Its like sometimes I’ll have times when I’m afraid to talk to anyone because they will judge me and even when I force myself to talk to them I feel as if I’m not myself. I’ll sometimes be afraid to talk to my own parents because they will judge me or I won’t be up to their standards. Ive felt like this all day and I force my self to talk to people when my mind is telling me to just say "Go the fuck away I can’t talk to you right now because my mind is not in the right place and you are going to think I’m boring or weird". I will avoid my phone for days at a time because of this. Like right now I’ve been procrastinating to go to the gym because people I know go around this time and I’m absolutely terrified to talk to them right now. Sometimes making eye contact is actually painful to do but I force my self to do it anyways. I always have little self-conscious thought in my head, like "is she looking at me?", "Do they think the way I walk is weird?". Ive never came out with stuff like this any one because I’m afraid of looking like a pussy. I feel way bottled up.

But then sometimes I’ll feel amazing and want to talk to everyone. I just feel like I limit my true potential. I make all my friends around this time and make plans and everything but then I realize that I’m probably going to feel like shit again and want to tell everyone to fuck off again so I try to contain my self. Like I have this glass ceiling that I know what I want but I just can’t bring my mind to get me there. I try and figure out what triggers this and I can’t, some times I think its self confidence issues and when a girl acts nervous around me it boosts me up. Sometimes I think its my sinuses or overtraining in the gym.

As bad as it hurts me to admit it, I think I’m a manic depressant.

The past couple months Ive been contemplating seeing a shrink but I just can’t bring myself to be that self-degrading. Its like I get the thought of people looking at me in the therapists lobby and think "Look at that guy, all those expensive clothes and muscles yet hes a fucking wuss for being here". Ive come to the conclusion that my conscious compass is severely fucked up and I’m not quite sure when people are thinking bad thoughts about me are false or real. All I want to do is be able to feel comfortable around my own family at Thanksgiving and Christmas time.
Well I just smoked a cigar like a fucking boss watching movies in my jacuzzi. I’m starting over tommorrow and I’m just going to be my mother fucking gangster ass self.

Its exactly all this fucking faggot self loathing that I’m doing that is bringing me down when I have girls blowing up my fucking phone and I’m not picking up because "I’m afraid I’m going to say the wrong thing". Fuck that.

Lick my ass everybody, I’m going out on top.
Doesn’t sound to me like you have bipolar disorder. Have you pretty much had a hard time being around people because of your fear of being judge?
How do you feel in your close relationships (friends, girlfriends)?

Well I’ve had bestfriends ever since I was a young lad so maybe thats the problem. I always had someone I would go to but as a kid I would lie about everything and even through high school some. I figured since I had nothing to talk about I would lie about stuff to get other peoples approval but as I got older I figured this wasn’t the way to get friends at all.

As of right now it just feels extremely awkward to be around my best-friend but at the same time we kind of say we are best friends just to say that. I honestly deep down inside want to just get him the fuck out of my life but for some reason I still am attached to him no matter what, every conversation Ive had with him is extremely weird and boring and I find myself talking just to talk.

Girls I can make good friends with but then I never pursue the friendship because I feel as if they are going to find out that I’m really actually boring and have nothing to talk about so I pretend like I don’t want to talk to them and for some odd reason this just makes them want to talk to me more. I hate it when I girl tells me that she loves me or gives me a compliment because as stupid as it sounds I feel extremely vulnerable.

Also the majority of the time I feel as if girls only like me for good looks and style rather then the real me. I feel as if no one on earth knows the real me and it makes me feel extremely lonely.
I can relate to bits and pieces of your posts.

I would start seeing a therapist asap, it really can do wonders.

I hope you get that because you think you’re not worth it, you present yourself as someone you’re not really and thus people don’t really get to know you.

I think you should see a psychologist though. My uneducated guess would be something along the lines of an avoidant personality disorder :
But yeah, see someone, you’d benefit from it.

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I need some cheering up quick though… I haven’t eaten in over a day. I tried but just makes me feel sick. right now im on the caffeine (morning) and alcohol (at night) diet
she said "no, never" or "no, not now"?

btw, nobody’s going to be able to cheer you up. if she’s for you then hang in there. but if you’re not for her then, as painful as it is, you should get out.

well I guess its kind of in between no never or just not now.

here is a short summary.

we had some bad times. nothing really that bad (no cheating or anything) and she even admits they werent really bad. but for some reason she cant get over it. Even though our relationship has been great for a while.

she says she cant do it until she takes care of whatever her problem. I found out she has even gone to counselors over this.

She came to the conclusion something is wrong in her head that the only way she could get over this was to just break up and hope that completely ending the relationship. Then getting back together after some amount of time starting a "new" relationship. Of course with the chance that during this break she will decide to just completely end it.

It all sounds really weird to me but I believe what she is saying. I dont think she is just trying to mess with me. But at the same time Im just kind of stuck here by myself waiting…
You are a chump if you believe what she is saying.

What she told you is a load of shit.

fixed.
if thats the case you should really reconsider what youre doing. I think marriage is one of those things you should only do once. No need to rush

I agree. Im more so just taking this a normal break up. Havent talked to her since. If she’s for real about this then its something she has to figure out on her own

good for you. Don’t make the first attempt to contact her either.
get your money back from the ring and take a vacation with buddys
I dont really have the option of vacation or meeting people. I just got back from a vacation so it will be a while before the next. Im also in my last year of gradschool trying to finish up my thesis so I can defend it by the spring (this means 12hr+ workdays, everyday)
Then focus on yourself for awhile. You can think about marriage when you finish school.
1. Sorry
2. Don’t wait around for her
3. Focus on yourself for a while
4. Let her contact you
consider yourself lucky for getting out when you did…as bad as it sucks its better this way than if she said yes and it fell apart shortly thereafter…ask me how i know
You just keep doing your thing, and give her some time to think about it. It might be just the initial shock of your request that she is taken aback. Don’t give up hope yet, the ball is in her court basically, and its quite a big decision as wel, so its ok to give her some decision time. No need to push her, once again give her some time to think about it, and maby within a decent short amount of time ,she’ll turn around.

Whats an appropriate amount of time? I’m still going to just keep up my daily routine anyway but just wondering.

You shouldn’t be thinking at all about any amount of time for her to "think." You need to move forward as if you two are through. Focus on yourself. If she comes back in 4 months you will then have the choice if you want her back or not.

I’m more skeptical in this thread, I think like a lot of women she is intrigued by another man and wants to explore that before "settling" on you.
keep busy

If you find yourself sitting home alone and beginning to think about her, go out and do something. Call some buddys and grab some food, go to a movie, go walk around the mall, etc…

Yeah thats the plan. I was kind of pissed off that I missed my morning workout yesterday. I made up for it today. working 12+ hours a day helps out a lot too.

We dated almost 3 years. The more I think about this the more I realize that I’ve been in a similar situation before with a different girl and I got to be the guy just sitting and waiting. I really hope that is not the case with her though. She has always been a very caring and honest person so I really think she is serious about this.
If I had proposed to my girlfriend and she said no our relationship would probably end right there for good, I really don’t see how a relationship can recover from something like that. Return the ring and move on with your life I say.

My father proposed to my mother 3 times before she said yes and they had been dating over 2 years already. She said, "What is the rush? I’m not going anywhere." On the 4th asking she finally said yes and 35+ years later they are still together

It depends why she says no.

I agree in certain situations it could end up fine, but this doesn’t sound like one of them. I do find it odd that she said she wasn’t going anywhere, but didn’t want to get engaged though.

Because not everyone feels engagement and marriage are something that have to happen. They were happy not engaged and just dating. They also were (like the TS) finishing school/important jobs and there was no rush. They finally decided it’d be best to get married when they had some money saved.

why are you giving him false sense of hope?

You have to assume the worst in these types of situations or its just going to prolong the pain and confuse him more and possibly have him ruin the situation when he calls and talks and does whatever.

If someone told me straight out that my girl wasn’t coming back it would have helped a great deal.

Let me give you some advice that your feelings are going to make you ignore:

Never, EVER, believe what a woman tells you. Always, ALWAYS believe what she does to you. Her actions speak much louder than any of the shit that comes out of her mouth.

Do you really want to be with a woman who has these issues? Do you really believe that what she is telling you means that you have a healthy foundation with which to build a marriage? Do you really believe that these serious issues can be resolved in a matter of months?

First of all, it takes YEARS for some people to resolve issues like this (whatever they are, they are serious enough to make her not commit to you).

Honestly? I think she is just using you as a placeholder and she has low interest in you and is hoping something better comes along before the pressures of society forces her to settle with you.

Get out of this now and move on to a woman who is willing to treat you right and give you the commitment you deserve.

In the meantime, focus on your flaws and try to correct them.
I agree mainly with what everyone has said here.

But, can you explain what "her problem" might be?
I don’t know if she’s told you in great detail but that could be a really clear indicator of whether there’s a future or not.

Yeah I’ve been meaning to do that but I’ve been keeping myself busy.

Now that I look back I pretty much got by in the relationship showing her the minimum amount of love. Enough to keep the relationship going but I later learned that it really bothered her. This was for maybe the last two years. Of course I did nice things for her but I will agree I could have done more.

We almost broke up about 6 months ago over this. She explained it to me and like I said after thinking about it I can agree with her. Since then I really made the effort to change things and even she says things have been great since then.

A couple of months ago we some how got to talking about getting married and I told her that was something I really wanted. (up until now I had pretty much refused to talk about this). So she was very happy. She told all her friends, parents, and we even looked at rings a few times.

We had a talk around a month ago as she said that she really want to get married but that it would be nice if I wait to ask her for a little while so she could get close to finishing school (this means 6-12months) but that it was up to me when i do it.

We are both in gradschool so we are pretty much at our stress limit at all times. I graduate in about 9 months and she has another year or so. She wanted to wait since she said that the stress of planning a wedding would be too much to when she was just starting gradschool.

So I managed to wait about a month… which may have been a bad thing but she said she was planning on telling me about her break up idea last weekend anyway.

Her reasoning is that for some reason she cant get past the times that I didnt show her enough love. Even though she admits that the last 6 months or so have been the happiest she has ever been.

She talked to friends about this and went to a few counselors over this and came up with her idea that if she totally break off the relationship and then we get back together she will be able to forget.

Thats the short story. I’m still not really sure if I buy it but in the mean time Im just doing my own thing.

In a nutshell: Low interest in you.

Probably saying shit so she doesn’t hurt you.
I’d say her fear is pretty valid honestly. The whole time of engagement and right before engagement is always very exciting. They say women are their happiest when engaged and men tend to be very excited about the engagement to the point that they forget any problems the couple has. What your gf is thinking right now is "what if the second we get married he gives up on me?" To be honest, I’d probably feel the same way she does. I certainly wouldn’t want to convince myself I was about to make a lifetime commitment to a guy who couldn’t even shower me with love during the first few years of us dating.

Not trying to rain on your parade, just giving you another woman’s opinion on what she could be thinking. Though if it were me I have absolutely no agreement to the idea of breaking up just to try and get back together later as if it would solve anything. To me that’s just another way of saying, "Let’s be single. I’ll date a few guys and see what they are like. If I don’t feel anything like I do with ______ then I’ll know our relationship is the one."

Thanks I appreciate your view. I agree that I think this is a bad way to do this if in fact she is really serious about it. I could understand saying "no we need to wait longer" so that she could see if my new attitude is going to last.

To be honest I always loved her a lot. She was always saying how great of a girlfriend she was because she was so low maintenance which is really probably what started the whole thing. And I was always worried that if I do really nice stuff for her early on she was going to start to expect that from me all the time.

Had she brought this issue up a longtime ago we probably wouldnt be in this situation though

dawt.

it might be over, it might not.

if she’s genuinely honest, she’s doing the best thing for both of you as a whole.

She can focus on herself, and you do the same. If when she gets over it she decides ‘well let’s try this again’ – she’ll get ahold of you. Until that day happens, just keep movin forward…so if it never does – you’ll never have to stop and start over the moving on process.
I got this email from her today this morning.

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to talk to you yesterday. It was completely insane
and busy. I realize I’ve fallen behind in a lot of things for classes and
am kinda freakin out right now. I hope that you are doing relatively
ok.Today is going to be another crazy day but I will seriously try to call
you. I want you to know that I’m not like pushing you away or whatever, I
just am so freaking busy right now that yeah – I dono – I have to get ready
for class now but I’ll try to talk to you later.

Now what I dont think im replying to it. But I guess I would answer if she calls

This is good. Don’t reply. Let her call you.

The fact that she is reaching out to contact you shows she cares and I’m sure she’s also partly worried that you aren’t trying to contact you every second. If she finally contacts you and says something along the lines of "why haven’t you called?" just very calmly (make sure you say it calmly and non-chalant) say you wanted to give her the space she asked for.

and then, because she’s so oblivious to your feelings, say "…………….and i think we need some time apart" and decide you’re not going to contact her or reply to her attempts to contact you for at least two weeks.

This almost seems counter productive but I think its a good idea.

I’m trying to understand the effect of doing this from her point of view. Maybe the point is to show her that I’m not just going to be one of those emotional support guys that to wait at the sidelines?

I also forgot to add to the story that we did spent nearly a whole day together after we broke up. I was staying at her place for the weekend when we broke up(I live 150miles away while in school) and I already had a few drinks that night so she wouldnt let me leave although I did try.

The next day we talked a lot and I found out that part of her worries were that I just changed so quickly and she didnt understand why or if it would last which is understandable.

I had a good explanation for why I changed so quickly and she said that really changed her though on the whole situation. She said that she was hopeful that this break idea would work but not to confidant (maybe a 5 out of 10 chance) but after I talked to her more she was a lot more hopeful (more like 7-8 out of 10). But who knows.

Wow, so I was right

Yep. Aren’t you always?

Yes, this is true….. I’m kidding. But I am a little shocked that she really confirmed that is was about your affection’s changing or worrying that they will change. Honestly though I don’t know how to play this. Ultimately it’s your life. Part of me thinks taking 2 weeks from her would be good for you…but at the same time if you want to be with her it doesn’t really equate that you would stay away from her when her main concern if how you feel about her.

In other words part of me thinks you’d be fine doing what you are doing now. Focusing mainly on yourself, giving her space and letting her contact you, but making sure she knows you aren’t contacting because you respect her wishes to have space and you are there for her

I talked to another girl today and she had the same conclusion. That I should give space but that at the same time I should make sure the she knows that its not because I dont love her anymore.

Her suggestion was dont talk to her but at the same time try and do something nice for her to show that I still do care like send some flowers to her place. sounds like a good idea to me..

I agree, I think that’s a nice idea. If she is stressed about school that’s a very sweet gesture.
Well she called just called and we talked for an hour or so. She still said that she is hopeful that this can work but yet still has doubts. She said that yesterday she felt really happy because she finally broke up with me since it has been something that has been worrying her for a while. But that its probably just because it let a lot of stress off her mind. She tends to do this where she will be really happy one day then sad the next.

She said that she would like to come spend the weekend with me in two weeks and I agreed.

I brought up the idea of not talking anymore if she though it would help her do this and that maybe we dont talk until I see her in two weeks. She said she doesnt know if she could go that long but maybe in a few days. She is going to try to not talk to me for two weeks but said she might call if she feels that she is ready to.

So thats the plan. I’m just going to try and somehow keep my mind off her for the next two weeks.

that doesnt sound so good. if her reaction is to feel good that she finally broke up with you, that means shes not actually happy when she is with you. and if thats the case, you should not be wanting her to come back. you want to be with (and marry) someone who feels awesome with you.

i’m hoping you wrote it out wrong, or mis-quoted her, but if thats what she actually said, i think thats a bad sign

I didnt look into it too much. She did admit that is probably just the stress of trying to figure out if she wanted to break up or not. And that finally making a decision either way took all that stress away.

She also tends to that. She has days where she is really happy then the next day she gets really depressed. (she is on meds for this but still happens)

Also, I dont know it it helps or not but she is a psychologist so I think she tends to really think about things. Maybe to much so sometimes.

But anyway I did flat out ask her if this is just over for good. That if she had already made up her mind it would be much easier to just do it now. And she said that it is not over and she still want to try and make this work.

I’m probably being too optimistic though..

Wait so this other girl said don’t talk to her but send her flowers and give her more attention? I guess proposing to her showed you didn’t care at all

It kinda sounds like she wants the best of both worlds and she’s trying to keep her options open right now in case she doesn’t find someone better she’ll have a fall back. If it were me I’d leave her and tell her when you decide what you want come talk to me but I can’t promise I’ll take you back. I know its hard but be strong man there are plenty of other women that won’t jerk you around.

I completely agree.

You are putting the ball in her court and telling her that it’s ok for her to treat you the way that she is.

Do you honestly like just being someone who she goes to when she only wants to?

What about your feelings throughout this whole thing? What about all of the stress that this situation is causing YOU?

She doesn’t give a fuck.

You’re giving her all of the power and letting her control the entire thing and you’re doing nothing but laying down like a doormat and letting her treat you like shit.

Get ahold of yourself.

This is a perfect way to handle it.

Just because she has some shit to figure out doesn’t mean you have to lay down and pay for it as well.

True, and also avoid that "I am not ready yet" bullshit excuse.
I’d almost guarantee if you found the time to meet other people and start dating and SOMEHOW she finds out you’re doing this…. she’ll want you back in a heart beat.

Eh, I don’t know. I do believe that she could be interested in other men, but maybe she DOES have some psychological issues she needs to work out. Not knowing those issues makes it difficult to for me to judge but if she’s seeing therapists she obviously has a lot going on in her head at the moment.

Just hang in there. Do your daily routine, don’t try to contact her, just let her know that you love her and you’ll be there if she changes her mind. If she does just want to be a whore and explore other men, then well, at least you didn’t marry the wrong girl. But if she does want to work on herself first, then give her time.
all right im drunk but fuck! i cant do this… I just wish I had a reason to hate her like my other ex. but she has helped me more in life than anyone else i know… i cant stop thinking about how i fucked this up so much. I still havent called her yet though…

my most recent ex set the bar pretty high when it comes to "showering me with love." i have settled for much much MUCH less in previous relationships, etc, and i sure as hell won’t do that again.

you didn’t give us any examples as to what you’ve done for her, so i’m just taking your word on that.

i don’t understand how breaking up with you and starting over one day will help this situation. is this the only issue between the two of you? is it possible that there’s something else that’s bothering her?

if showing your love and affection is the only issue at hand, i think staying together and working through this would be the better solution than breaking up. in fact, if it were me, i would’ve brought up the idea about looking into couples counseling. communication is the most important thing in a relationship, and i think that every couple could benefit from counseling.

actions speak louder than words, regardless of what sex you are!

agreed. always turn a negative situation into a positive one in your life. there’s always a lesson to be learned.

recently i planned and got us a free trip to hawaii that we took in august. her parents got us the hotel. i got us the tickets for free. we live about 150miles apart while in school but she did live with me this summer. part of this is that in the summer when she lived with me I didnt spent enough time with her. I had to spend a lot of long hours at school working but honestly if I could do this again I wouldnt have even gone to gradschool

I try and send her flowers and random messages as often as i can. everytime i drive down there to see her I try and do something nice for her. (bring her a small gift or just make her a nice dinner).

i think part of it is that she doesnt realize that being a gradstudent means insane stress and that ive managed to make time to talk on the phone to her every night and to see her every weekend. to do this means I put in 60+ hours of work mon-fri. So that i can just drive down to see her and spend a whole weekend just hanging out. She is just starting her first semester of gradschool right now so she is starting to understand that.

wow… you sound like a good boyfriend, imo…

i’ve been in a few ldr’s, and the distance was 10x greater than that of you and your gf, so i can relate. i think you’re doing a fine job. if this is more than what you’ve been doing in the past, then you definitely need to keep this up.

with that said, your gf needs to be a little more understanding and realize that your grad school studies come first. she should be proud of you, not hold it over your head!
Heres a small update:

She ended up calling me yesterday and we talked for a few minuets nothing serious just small talk. It was kind of weird and awkward since we have pretty much talked everyday since we met about 3 years ago. Then just out of no where no talking for a week or so.

We have talked a few times in the last day and I dont even try and ask her to talk about US. I did notice that she got jealous when I told her something that a girl from school said to me (the ex doesnt like this girl for some reason).

Guess I will just have to see how it goes this weekend.

I’m not exactly sure why she is coming to visit me (its a 3 hr drive). I hope its to try and work this out with me. But just to be safe I already packed all her crap she left at my apartment for her.

Well, it kinda sounds like typical behavior of somebody who has another person she’s talking to and is feeling him out while leaving you on the string.

It’s likely that she could be making the drive up to break up with you.

That’s worst case scenario.

agreed. weekend’s over. i’m dying for news
Man, walk away. If it is meant to be, she will come back to you. My fiancee and I broke up a year and a half ago for similar reasons. I spent months trying to get her back, a year actually. Right when I was about to give up, she came back to me. Mind you, I did date other people in the meantime. If she comes back to you, then you guys were meant to be. Otherwise let her go.
Well she stayed at my place the whole weekend and it went pretty well. Not as good as it could have been but oh well. She pretty much acted as if she was still dating me whole weekend so it was cool but kinda weird too.

She got to my place on Friday and we went out for dinner and drinks. Went back to my place and talked a lot and watched some movies. She is still sticking to her original story that she really wants it to work out with me. She told me that since we broke up she has been happy. And that she needs to figure out why she is happy not being with me. She said that she does not think its because I’m gone but more so because the stress of the whole situation is gone somewhat.

We did pretty much the same thing on Saturday. Out to eat, some drinks, then went back to my place and finally has some amazingly good break up sex. Her friend picked her up on Sunday and I guess she was crying a lot on the ride home.

After she left I went and got my money back for the ring. Then went out and got a bunch of new clothes and a new ipod to distract me for a while.
Right now we don’t really have any plans on seeing each other for a while. I might be staying at her place for the weekend when I go visit family for thanksgiving.

She sounded really serious about the whole break up and then get back together thing still. But I’m not really counting on it. I’m going to take viper’s advise and work on being happy with myself for now and if at some point in the future she decides to come back then I’ll deal with it then.
She said she has been HAPPY since she broke up with you…LMAO cut off all contact with her, she’s playing you like drum!
I’m glad you got the money back for the ring It sounds like you are doing really well considering you are both not together. Maybe this time apart has kind of made you realize you can live without her. I think your idea to just live for yourself is a good plan
You have to be the man and make the final decision to break up and stick with it. She’s torn between wanting to break up with you and not wanting to be alone. You don’t need to stop talking to her but it’s a good idea not to visit too often. Say "It’s not meant to be, but I’ll recover."

Yeah I’m doing alright. It might be the drugs though.. I went to the Dr last week for something totally unrelated and left with some depression drugs. I’ve only been on them a week but maybe they are kicking in..

I just plan on concentrating on myself. The last really hard break up I had I ended up working out a lot more and lost 60lbs. I’ll have to think of something to improve upon for myself for this break up.

good for you.

i totally agree with everyone. you should concentrate on yourself. if i were you, i wouldn’t even think about the thought of you two getting back together. i’m not saying you have to jump into a new relationship if/when that presents itself, but just don’t have thoughts about her on the front burner. for the record, i’m not totally discounting the idea, but actions speak louder than words! if she were into you, wouldn’t she make more of an effort to fix all her issues?

maybe i’m the only one, but i was kinda when i read the post about still seeing each other/hanging out. it seems like she’s getting the better end of the deal, imo. she’s not attached to you, still gets to talk/hang out with you, and you two recently had sex. either she wants to break up with you or she doesn’t. seems like she’s a little bit of a committment phobe.
The more I reflect on this situation the more I realize that she messed up plenty of things that led to this. There was a thread in the main forum about crazy girlfriends and after reading other peoples stories I noticed that my ex would fit right in there.

I agree though that even now if she still wanted to work stuff out she would be making the effort. I haven’t heard from her in like 3 days except a text message or two. I’m not counting on anything right now. I already boxed up all the pictures and anything that reminds me of her.

I’ve been keeping myself very busy which is also helping me get over this. Put in a few 15 hour work days in the last two weeks and went out drinking with friends a few other days. Right now I’m actually feeling pretty good.

Good shit bro.

Sounds like you’re taking off the rose colored glasses and seeing your relationship for what it really was, which generally happens once you break up and have space for yourself.

This is good because you need to realize that it’s not right for her to try to dick you around, but it’s also not right that you allow yourself to be dicked around.

it seems as though she’s happy with the way things are right now. i’m not saying that it needs to [or should] be "your way or the highway," but she needs to make more of an effort. in fact, if she cared about you and deep down wanted to be with you, she would make more of an effort.

i’d say be honest with her and let it go.
I have another update:
Just a little more background on her first. She is in gradschool for psychology which involves her doing a lot of counseling of other people but also means she has to get counseled by other psychology gradstudents a lot too.

I got a weird text message from her yesterday. Just when I though she didn’t care at all and I was getting over her. It said “I probably shouldn’t tell you this but I really love you and you’re such a great person.”

We ended up talking over my lunch break for a while. I guess she had been getting counseled earlier that day and through that process realized that she really wanted to be with me. She said that out of all her friends she realized that I am the only person that has always been there for her and the only person she can really trust. She also said she is totally not happy anymore at all.

She also realized that one of the big problems of our relationship wasn’t that I didn’t show her enough love (that is still part of it) but that she didn’t tell me when things bothered her. She pretty much said that she never wanted to bother me with her feelings because she thought I would get mad at her. So we came to the conclusion that the reason I thought everything in the relationship was great is because she was hiding any problems she had and acted like everything was great until the little problems she had turned into huge ones.

Anyway, we are still not together. She said she still needs to deal with other issues she has and I’m becoming quite content with being single for now anyway (the attention I’m getting from girls right now is great).

I believe in marriage etc but I think it should be for the right reasons and not just from the perception that ‘marriage will fix things – we’ll be together and everything will be okay’ (to the original poster, I’m not alluding that you think this way, just saying in general). If she has issues she needs to deal with them first. See how it goes, I mean if she says she still loves you and may still want to be with you, don’t let her go just yet.

Current boy is ready for marriage and seems to think everything will be okay if we do. I’ve explicitly said that we have a lot of issues we need to deal with first before we even think about going down that path. Doesn’t mean I want anyone else, nor does it mean I don’t love him. It just means that marriage is that important to me that I want to think long and hard about it first because I really only want to get married once…

She thinks a lot like you do.. I know that she really wants to make sure that she only get married once. I think that part of why she wants to make sure that she knows why she acted the way that she did.
So just a little up date in case anyone is still reading this crap.

I called her up yesterday and told her I was just sick of her back and forth shit between telling me she really loves me one day then hates me the next. I said I was sick of her fucking with my head and I told her I don’t want to talk to her anymore. I said maybe in a few months we can see if we want to talk but until then I dont want to hear from her. She freaked out and started crying a lot. I was pretty cool about the whole thing and didnt even cry.
good move. whatever happens, this will move things forward.

remember, whatever happens is for the best. It always is.
If this helps her focus and you get married, great. If she decides to break it off, that’s also great.

The only bad things are stasis and ignorance.
Update on her next move.

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-aced my oral exams
-loving the hell out of the car I just bought as I sell the other one. it feels good to have a car that’s actually fairly reliable and didn’t have to be a Honda/Toyota.
-looking forward to another good weekend
-reassigned to a family practice clinic for a few weeks, totally laid back compared to the hospital.

your turn… ready, GO
I actually think your post is the first in its kind in here.But I guess its good to have a positive thread, just write it down your problems as well ,anything still needs to be fixed in your life?.

-Got a ~33% raise not too long ago.
-Moved in with my GF and things are going well.
-Parents moved out to the west coast so I get to spend time with them.
-Was going to sell my car, but realized how much I love it and want to keep it. (02 WRX)
-New couches coming this month
-haven’t taken a "vacation" in over 10 years, planning a 2 week vacation in january to go snowboarding

Umm thats everything off the top of my head
- Did well on 2 of my 3 exams the first month of school
- Dad helped me out financially so I don’t have to work 40 hours and do school full-time, I’ve only gotta do about 20 now, which leaves me tons of time to study
- Health is actually really good compared to how rough it’s been over the summer
- I’ve learned to cook; it’s not saved me much money, but it’s a lot more fun to eat something you actually made
- Comfortable with myself finally. I wanted to drop some weight but decided school needs to be my focus and when I graduate in May, I can work on that. I’m not by any means fat, but I’ve got some to lose.
I’m about 3-4 months away from finally being debt free… then I can continue on with my life and start having fun again.
I needed this thread!

Just got my college degree!
I have an amazing supportive family, especially my mom, who’s my best friend
Just started going out with my buds again, as well as meeting a lot of new people.
Getting Healthy, finally cut down on my junk food and eating a lot healthier and lost weight!
Also started running, my goal is to run the Rock n Roll marathon in may

Y’see folks, this is why I need to graduate!

32 hours of clinical + 14 hours of lecture + all the time needed to read books + the time needed to complete projects/do research.

I could cut all that out and spend 3 hours a day in a gym 5 days a week, running every day, and still not come close to being as time-consumed as college requires.

I thought there was a thread like this sometime in the last year… lol. Anyway, plenty of stuff to fix. But nothing I’m not fervently working on. Physical fitness, self confidence, mental aptitude in my work, friendlier demeanor, some credit card debt etc.

A lot of it started to fix up when I started my program over the summer. Some examples… it took a pretty serious threat from the chair of my program to fix years of attendance problems (going back to high school and junior high, even), and less serious but eye-opening feedback from my clinical coordinator about my shyness on rotations translating to laziness. Gone, just like that, and it’s starting to radiate to other parts of my life.

(I figured this stuff belonged in its own thread, though.)

I’m toying with the idea of doing a distance bike ride from here to St. Louis… about 90-100 miles
Although I have a lot of bad stuff going on right now…

-I have plenty of money for the first time in my life
-I’m defending my thesis in the spring
-I’ve networked my way into a few contacts at my dream job
-Since Im newly single ive noticed that quite a few girls I know are asking to hang out with me
off the top of my head:

-finances are in order
-loving my new car
-loving my new phone
-my trip to europe is only month away
-things are looking well for my new career, which will hopefully begin in december
-until then, current job is dandy
-still enjoy having my own place
-good friends that i see/talk to often
-supportive and loving family
-in good shape and my distance running is coming along nicely
-no drama in my life (get my fix from "the hills" )
-it’s fall, so my favorite shows are back on, as are college football and basketball soon enough

all in all, it’s been a great year for me and the future looks bright

i’m assuming you’re talking about the rock ‘n’ roll marathon in san diego? i ran that in 2006, and it was a hell of a lot of fun!

you didn’t ask, but make sure your practice runs include hills. the course included a ton of interstate ramps, etc, and was a little for me and the group i was with. then again, we all came from orlando, and it’s relatively flat around here.

Yeap, In San Diego. I was actually avoiding hills in my runs because I hate them lol, they make me want to stop . Hopefully running with a friend will help me with those dam mountains.

I always start things and never finish. I going to freaking run that marathon.
1. I have a loving family that I still talk to daily.
2. I have a clean bill of health
3. I have food on the table
4. I have money in the bank
5. I have a loving girlfriend
6. I have a roof over my head.

these are the things that are going well for me.
1) Completely Financially independent from my family at the age of 19, all while in college.
2) Loving BF that cares about me and I care about him.
3) Getting an apartment together in December with him.
4) Have a car that I absolutely love.
5) Have a lot of good friends in my life who I know will always be there for me no matter what. True friends.
6) I’m healthy AFAIK.
7) Finally no longer a super skinny bitch, gained some muscle and size and now can defend myself if the occasion arises.
pretty laid back going to school now
work is more fun but there is more to do, which means i have to work harder
becoming more social
having some fun i guess

could be better
- I have a wonderful boyfriend, family, and friends.
- I am healthy.
- I have a roof over my head, and will be moving to a new apartment soon.
- I’m not dirt broke….yet.

By the way, this thread was a good idea. I’ve been stressing out about stuff lately, so this helps me think more positive.
Well I got a good job, making more than I have ever made in my life,
I’m living in a nice large city(Charlotte) and i’m truly happy here other than not knowing anyone…
My ex(?) is not being a bitch about child support.
I’ve started seeing a therapist to help me with my problems.
I’m trying asses the damage of all the crap that has gone on the last 3 years and am trying to fix it?

thats all thats good..the rest is shit..

Gray
-istill have my job
-got my own vehicle(new)
-live with roommates
-visited Europe(not yet im leaving on 10/16)
I love these threads. I haven’t seen on in a while.

Let’s see, things going well…

I have an SO who is really supportive and kind. I’d be really lost right now if I didn’t have that kind of love in my life.

I have a car. And while its an 11 year old junker, it was a gift that was given to me at a time when I was in a really tight spot. I’m super grateful for that.

I have a great job that I love and get paid well for. I’m finally able to save some money and take care of a few things, and it feels great.

It’s fall I love fall. Almost time to go to the pumpkin patch and the corn maze.
I’m finally starting to feel more comfortable in my new college surroundings (friends, classes, etc.)
I have an amazing girlfriend that I get to see one or two days out of the week even though we’re 45 minutes apart at school.
I’ve aced every quiz and exam this year to date.
I get to come home soon for Thanksgiving and Winter Break and see my friends that I’ve missed and FINALLY feel the cold and the rain again (yeah, I know, weird, but it makes me happy)
My family is amazing and, even though my mom can stress me out a lot, they’ve really rallied around me and supported me as of late.
I’m celebrating my one year with my gf at Disneyland soon

oh no! believe me, you should at least do a little bit of incline [if you're running on a treadmill].

keep up the good work! don’t stop! believe me… the feeling you get after crossing that finish line is absolutely amazing. you literally feel invincible… at least i did

good job starting now. i started training in late january 2006, and the race was in june 2006.
here are a few of mine…

1) i have an awesome job that i absolutely love & i was recently offered a promotion. after some serious negotiations, i turned it down because i didn’t feel as though i was offered enough money [ie what i feel i am worth]

2) i am communicating 100% better in all types of relationships: work, personal, & romantic [as evident by number 1]

3) i recently received a call about a job offer i had in the works… … i really hope it works out!

4) i have changed a lot over the past 5 months, and i’m totally psyched about that

5) i have amazing friends and family.

6) i am embracing all the changes that are goin on in my life.

7) the past few weekends have been absolutely fabulous!

hehe…I’m also excited about the new fall season of my fave shows. i’m about the final season of ER, tho…
No more school since May (although my new job is exhausting and Im the bitch on the bottom of the food chain)
Electrician at a tire plant (although theres a recession)
Just bought a house on some land (even though its nigger-rigged and Im going to work myself to death)
Have a girlfriend (even though I avoid her)
1)

In fact, I find this thread only more depressing.

It probably could be even worse, but absolutely nothing is going well, and I’ve become so apathetic to that to even care.
Just started development of a commercial property which will be ready next summer. So now I know where I’ll be living likely for the rest of my life. There was talk about moving camp to FL or MD but I’m happy to stay in CA just because it’s less risk. In the meantime I’ll be looking for a part time job because I put all of my money into this.
Oohhh, are we all done with this already?

I’m in a pissy mood, but, I can still think of other things that are going well. I’m rotated over to the orthopedic clinic and my new preceptor is spectacular.

I think one of my classmates is going to introduce me to her roommates to help me get over the last girl, who sort of left me feeling used. It’s funny because I used to think I wouldn’t mind being used sexually, but it’s pretty weaksauce

I’ve been getting close to 100% on my last three written & practical exams.

My bubble wrap costume is a hit
Close to finishing my masters in computer science, specialising in artificial intelligence. Thats about it, the rest of my life is more or less a failure.

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I had a 50/50 chance of dying when I was 14 (started when I was 12) but pulled through. Fuckin love doctors. I had a fairly serious case of Melanoma.

Anyone else a survivor?
My grandfather had lung cancer and he passed away I’ve also interned on an oncology floor at the local hospital, so I’ve seen how horrific it is first hand…

But congratulations on fighting it and surviving
Yea man the hospital was a very sad place. I shared rooms a lot when I would stay over for visits and more often than not the person I was next to was dying and had weeks/months to live. It was really sad to think that there was nothing a doctor could do for them. I saw a lot of the same faces obviously and then when you quit seeing their face it was hard to get over it — not knowing if they were OK now or had passed away. People who work at hospitals though are some of the best people in this world. They are always happy and take on a very emotionally stressing job and make EVERYONE’s day brighter because of what they do. I’d like to be a doctor but I’m honestly not smart enough.

Dude, don’t even. If that is honestly what you want to do, then pursue it. I know it’s difficult, but if you try very hard you can do it.

I don’t consider myself all that smart, but I’m applying to med. school this upcoming June. Hell, if I don’t get in I’ll get my masters and then reapply…I do this because becoming a doctor is what I really want to do and I won’t quit until I have that MD or DO after my name. For some people getting good grades/MCAT scores comes naturally, but for most people it comes down to how much they study/put towards it.

Basically, you want it? Do it!
I fail like every science class I’ve ever taken even after studying, talking to the teacher, office hours, extra help, doing all of the homework and then more studying and teacher help…thing’s like that just don’t really click for me. Instead of helping people medically I plan on being a police officer and hopefully after that a higher ranking job such as FBI, CIA, DEA or even just like a SWAT officer in a larger city.

Well, GL in whatever you decide to do and once again, congrats on surviving.

-Brian
Thanks. It still gets me down thinking about those days and the pain though…but the pictures of me with my nurses and doctors always make me happy because everyone is smiling and being really nice — trying to cheer me up. Those people are amazing. I should go by sometime and see everyone…I go there still every 3 or 6 months but haven’t really gone by to talk with EVERYONE in years.

- Dietrich
Ugh I cant even imagine having it, but I did need to get patches of skin removed because they thought I had a chance of having melanoma last year so they actually had to cut a chunk of skin and stitch it up to test me. Left me a nasty scar on my chest and leg. Kinda scary waiting for results. I am always worried I might still get it though.

I have also lost an aunt to cancer, and 2 of my other aunts have it now. I dont even want to get started on my friends parents who have it. Its like EVERYONE is getting cancer now…really though, it isnt a death sentience as much as it used to be which is good. But its still rampant and its sad
RIP. Hopefully your other two aunts can power through and put it behind them.
Sent an e-mail this morning out to my main doctor and the two nurses who were with me a lot. Just said Hi, doing well, thank you and you are wonderful people and that I’d love to get lunch or catch up sometime. I just got a reply from two of them. They still had a picture of me on their computer that they sent me. I want to give them a huge hug.

Anyone else effected or am I the only one? I thought more people would have replied.
Not me but my gramma was a breast cancer survivor. She got in her 60s, lived to be 89. She basically died of old age My mom is a two-time survivor. She got hit in 2000 and again in 2003. She lost both breasts. If she can make it to next spring without anything showing up in her tests, then she can come off her anti-cancer medication and be considered cancer free

My dad was hit with both colon and lung cancer when he was in his 60s. From diagnosis til death was less than 6 months. Having him one day and gone in such a short time turned my life and my mom’s life upside down. She was 52 and had always been a housewife, never had a real job outside of home. 6 weeks after he was gone she landed a part time job. I dropped school and went to work full time to help her with bills. The first year and a half really sucked, we both went through alot of emotional ups n downs, but we eventually were able to pick up and move on. She met a wonderful man 8 years later and married him. She got her 2nd bout of breast cancer 3 months later, and he was very supportive. He was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer but it was caught early so hopefully the treatment he is receiving will help. He was bummed upon hearing the C word, but for the most part he has a really good attitude and enjoys each day.
In on this, I beat lymphoma and have been cancer free for almost 3 years. The 14th of this month was my 1 year anniversary of the end of chemo.

I seriously love all my doctors and nurses after going through what I did, they are all such wonderful people and I’m actually kind of sad that I don’t get to see them much anymore.
my mom didn’t really have cancer.. but she had a brain tumor which required radiation treatment, brain surgery, and chemo for a while.

i remember she wouldn’t let me skip school to go to hospital with her for the surgery and i was sitting in biology class so scurrd
How does one get melanoma at 14? Were you outside a lot?

I’ve never heard of young people getting that (well, rarely).

Glad you pulled through.

Well I was diagnosed at 12 actually, but yeah…it is not always from the sun…it can be completely random. I was someone who was out in the sun a lot, but they didn’t say that was THE reason why. It all started from an irregular mole that was cancerous and spread from there. Melanoma is typically found in those who are out tanning a lot for their whole lives and then get it around 35-55 but yea, it CAN happen to anyone…wear your damn sunscreen I guess!!

frikkin dawt.

Grats on your 3 year anniversary!!

I plan on getting my "cancer-free" date tattooed on my back somewhere.
not cancer but had a benign tumor when i was 8 years old. they had to remove one of my adrenal glands. im 25 now
i had cancer on the top of my head when i was like 3..i just remember going into the doctor’s office and they put a toilet seat cover looking thing over me and i saw the yellow from the iodine on and it and my mom gave me a lollipop..

no more cancer.
I got testicular cancer at 23. I’m 31 now and am doing pretty well.

sounds like a simple basal cell removal. yay for lollipops.
I just got word that a homie of mine passed away this summer. When I was like 13 in the hospital he was like 14 almost 15. We both had melanoma, had the same shitty treatments and were hella good friends. Someone to look forward to seeing when you were in hell I guess. Anyway, he was told he was "clean" and started living his life again and left the hospital. I on the other hand was still there and this made me feel like I was going to die. He was the one who got to leave "early" in my eyes. I got super depressed then and wanted to kill myself. Apparently the cancer came back 4 years later and he had been fighting it ever since then….trying whatever new medicines there were and whatever else but slowly kept declining until he passed away. I never even heard about it until I Facebook’d him after thinking about it and found 100′s of wall posts about him passing away and a website journal of his life.

RIP.
Ever since reading about my friend I’ve had like permanent anxiety thinking about what if I have a second occurrence. UGHHHHHHH. Fuck me.

Hi-Five for the ex-Lymphoma crew!

I had Large B Cell Lymphoma in 2005. Been clear of it for now for 3 years as of Sept.
Hah…wow….this thread was ironically bumped.

I am going in today to the hospital to have more tests done after my biopsy came back with some properties of melanoma.

This would be the second time for melanoma before I turn 20 years old.

All I can think is I pray it is NOT melanoma, and if it is somehow, I hope it can be taken care of QUICKLY this time.
I lost my mom this year from lung cancer. Two week later we found out my wife has stage four lung cancer. It has already spread to her brain and liver. She just turned 51, I’m 52. Radiation seems to have taken care of the brain but we’re not sure whether to continue with chemo. The second round was a real ass kicker.

Cancer has seemed to become so rampant that I believe we will all get it someday if we live long enough.

I’m so sorry to hear that, I sincerely hope you guys can pull through.

I’m 23 and my mom just died from Breast Cancer in March, she’d just bought her first house a month before and was about to turn 50. It was/is really hard because she was the only really close person to me (no father or siblings). Sucks, but I try not to wallow..she’d want me to live my life to the fullest. She was a registered nurse for premature babies and all of her coworkers and patients came to her funeral. Even the parents of newborns that didn’t make it came to the funeral and announced how devoted and caring she was to their children while they were alive. All throughout her treatment (2 years of multiple chemos, radiation, double mastectomy, etc) she never complained one bit and went to work with a smile even when she was weak inside, she was very courageous till the end.

Here’s a pic of her and me when I was about 15/16.

She sounds like a very wonderful lady and I’m sorry that she has passed away.

It is people like her that make such a large difference in people’s & patient’s lives so subtly. It’s the little things that count when you are sick in a hospital.
I’ve got myself convinced I’m on the same path as my mom & a handful of others in my family.

Esophageal cancer is a huge killer in my family. I’ve got all the hallmarks already. My mom was diagnosed & treated about 4 years ago. Had most of her esophagus & stomach removed. She’s the first in our fam to be diagnosed & treated before it progressed.

Skin cancer has claimed a few … very few people in my family die from anything other than cancer.

Oh, goodie.

Congrats to those of you managing to cope day by day.

She really was, been missing her a lot lately. You’re right, I’d never known how much of a positive impact she made until she was gone and people told me. I’m so proud of her.

I’m glad you’re in remission, be as healthy as you can to stay that way.
I should get a confirmed appointment date for my surgery on Monday or Tuesday.

Then it’s just waiting until the surgery and then a waiting game for some more results. I’ll be fine though, I know. So it’s no big deal.
A friend of mine just found out her mom has lung cancer. Apparently they caught it early and it hasn’t spread elsewhere, but its still scary. She’s moving back home for a few months to be with her (we’re 23). No history of cancer in the family, no smoking, healthy lifestyle, etc. Shit sucks I’m scared for my friend and her family.

I’ve never given cancer that much thought before, no history of it in my family, never had anyone close affected by it before. I’m studying nuclear medicine, and now i’m surrounded by it every day. Its been a huge eye opener for me. For example, we had a 31 year old male in and he was just diagnosed with colon cancer. Had no symptoms, no history in family, etc. He didn’t feel anything until a couple weeks before they found it. Turns out it was stage 4 and metastatic and spread all over. He doesn’t have much longer to live. 31 freakin years old, out of the blue. Its motivating me to make sure and do things that make me happy while i have the chance.
Stage IV is fucked up. Hopefully he does not have too much pain.
I haven’t had it, but it’s rampant in my family on both sides. I lost my grandpa to it last year. He was the kind of guy that never got sick, never had to go to the hospital, etc., but last year right around this time at the end of October he went into the doctor and they found out he had lung cancer and that it was spreading. He passed away on December 10, so it progressed extremely fast. I’m just happy that my entire family was able to make it up to see him and my grandma at Thanksgiving, and he even made the comment that it was great to have everyone together for Thanksgiving (that was the first time it’d happened for probably eight or nine years.) I’m glad we were at least able to make him really happy before he passed. He smoked like 4 packs/day for 40 years and was a pretty heavy drinker for most of his life. He gave it all up cold turkey and didn’t touch it for the past 10 or 12 years of his life, but the damage was already done by then. He was only 66.

Both of my grandfathers died from lung cancer. I never met either of them.

God bless her and you. What a wonderful woman and such a loss to us all.

I’m just being all emo child. Don’t mind me or anything stupid I say.

I’m just kind of over this bullshit. Disrupting my peaceful life again.
November 28th, 2008 @ 12:15PM, show up at 9:30AM. WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Just checked my voicemail.

Goodbye cancer, we had fun, but it’s now time for you to die in a fire.

good luck
Thanks! I saw my Mom this weekend briefly but didn’t even tell her. I feel bad hiding it from her but I don’t know what I should do. I think she would be emotionally destroyed right now if she knew I had cancer again. My parents are currently going through a divorce and yeah…the house is already hectic enough. On the flip side, it seems like something I should not hide and should just be up front about…she’ll find out about it sooner or later and would probably be hurt that I felt I couldn’t tell her. Bleh. All I pray for is that it is over with, Nov. 28th at 4:15PM and I never have to deal with it again. I will be out of service for a while though…I’m going to need to take it easy for a few days after and somehow get to my finals also. By then I should hopefully be healed up enough where I can walk with no pain.

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PS. what it does to people is just fucked up.

whatever it takes to make more and more money.. i agree its horrible

it preys on peoples hearts

I agree with you to a certain degree, but I can’t really say that I hate holidays. I’m just really not that into them anymore. I don’t take Christmas very seriously, and only really care about it because it’s one of the few times of the year that I know for a fact I’ll be home and will have a chance to spend time with family and friends. I do despise the commercialization of the holidays, but I just don’t want to make the effort to hate them.
Just try to ignore all the madness, and you’ll get through it fine. It always helps to have like-minded friends, especially on some of the more ridiculous occasions, like v-day.

it pissed me off when i wasn’t single as well, digs like this are not part of this sub forum, check it at the door.

Oh thanks for telling me how I feel. You should really read forum rules.

k, lemme check them out

mod edit: yes please check them out, it saves me a lot of deleting, remember that the Asylum is an emotional hide-out, which means we have to preserve eachothers emotional state of balance.

Welcome to growing up, when you realize holidays are just another day, there is no tooth fairy, santa clause isnt real, and jesus was black. I keep the mysticism regarding holidays like christmas alive for the kids, and hope they enjoy the holidays as much as I used to. No need to get all angry about it, its part of life.
The only reason I like holidays is because you get days off from work/school.

its how fucked up people get that pisses me off. I am tired of bullshit and the amount of stress. Don’t fucking tell me about growing up. I run two decent sized companies and work part time for another. I know about responsibility, blah blah blah. Still doesn’t change the fact that they are over commercialized bullshit.

Woah there buddy. I know you said you were got angry about holidays, and there were some pretty cheap shots in the begining of this thread (now deleted b/c they were way outta line), but chill out. I think okita was just trying to put some perspective on things – Yes, holidays blow and one of the reasons is that when youre an adult (like most of us are), theres no magic in it anymore. It happends to alot of people, and alot of people feel (at least some degree) of the way you do, so there’s no reason to let it get to you. You said yourself it was irrational…

It just seems like a useless exercise that attempts to make people happy and just ends up getting people pissed off or hurt. I didn’t come in here to be here to spoken down to like I was some kid who just realized there is no santa. I picked up on that one at the age of 5 or so. My major issue is that when these big things go down people lean on me to make sure things happen. Or people come crying to me about this and that. I get enough stress as it is and for all I can tell the only real motivation to have these holidays in this country is to sell shit.
I used to hate all holidays simply because most of them are based on bullshit.
But as I got older and nostalgia began to kick in, I learned to appreciate my childhood memories of the holidays and all the commercial and all the stupid stress involved began to fade away.

Now I just cherish the memories of my childhood and all the stress and cynical commercialism kind of fades into the background.
I don’t look at the negative. I just enjoy the celebration. Everyday is Valentines day to me, or Christmas, or Thanksgiving — but on those particular days, others are more conscious, so I can share it with them.
i’m kinda in-between on the subject. i generally dont like the holidays themselves (not all, just some) but i like the residual that stems from it.

for example, i hate the "commercialized" holidays of halloween, vday, and xmas; but i like the resultant days off and the general "feeling" of the day. say what you will about the holidays themselves, but there are very few occasions where a great mass of people just have that palpable energy that you can feed off of. essentially, it’s the "spirit" of the holidays that i like.

the funny thing is, i don’t even celebrate the majority of holidays. growing up, they were never heavily emphasized in my household, so i never put much stock in them (case in point, i stopped observing xmas in elementary school). however, i still like that feeling of being witness to something "bigger," even if i’m technically not a part of it.

see I had a bad childhood and it did not impress good memories of these holidays to begin with.

Same here. I had the best childhood

Well if you don’t have fond memories yourself, maybe you can at least take some solace in that you know it’s all bullshit.
Something a lot of people never find out.
I know I feel kind of wiser than people that rush out Christmas shopping for instance just to get some meaningless material junk.

Maybe this sounds corny but try find out what the holidays mean to you.
I like the holidays not because of what they signify, but it can make me become closer to my family and loved ones.

I know a valentines Day is a cynical ploy by malls to sell more shit, but if I can find a gift that has some sentimental and deeper meaning than just a Hallmark card and give it to my girlfriend, and she loves it , it makes me feel good and closer to her.
What I think is funny, is that no one makes you celebrate the holidays a certain way. Some of you say its "made for money" or a Hallmark holiday. Valentines Day was first celebrated in the 11th Century. The government didn’t "make" it. They might have commercialized on it, but the holiday still has a deeper meaning, just like Christmas. Many have turned them Hallmark, but why do you have to? Understand the meaning of the holiday, and if you don’t wanna give gifts and flowers and waste money, then just don’t. How simple! Just spend the day around the house with your SO, and celebrate the day for what it was meant to be. Same with Christmas. If you don’t like the worlds materialistic view of Christmas, then don’t celebrate it that way. Sit around your house and pray and talk about jesus being born.

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this is going to be confusing as hell since i don’t remember half of the things she has done.

i have been a member to this trance website for about a year and a half and there was a female member who was also around where i live. (well, i live in nj and she lives in ny) anyhow, we started talking this june and i was talking to her everyday for about 2-3 years and we got so close that we used to tell each other all the shit that was happening in our life. i got to see her more than like 4-5 times in trance events that were happening around the city so i eventually met her.

after talking to her for couple of months, i noticed that she was flirty and that she was flirting with almost everyone from the website. after couple of months, i finally asked her for her msn ( i didn’t wanna ask her for a long time since the websites messaging system was awesome) so she told me that she was having a problem and that she was never able to go on msn. she also told this to several people from the website.

so around november, there was a big event (armin van buuren) and the night before that she told me that she would make out with me and she promised me that we would hang out at least for 10 minutes and dance and do other things so when i got there, i saw her with her friend and this other guy who was a promoter. she got in for free and she was basically with him the whole night and she didn’t even hang out with me. ever since that day, we started having this drama with her and we always used to fight but then end up talking to each other meanwhile, she told me and everyone else on the website that she didn’t have her phone since june.

out other fight was again after this huge event on thanksgiving. i was talking to her the day of the event and asking her if she was going to attend it and she wasn’t so sure about it. at the same time, she was talking to this other kid from nyc thru guestbook messaging which is where anyone can see what they type to each other. he invited her to over his place with her friends and 5 minutes later, she told me that she was pretty sure that she wasn’t attending it. couple of months ago, i found out thru someone else that there were rumors about how she gave him head and it was obviously that night. we once again got in a fight about why i wasn’t able to hang out with her even tho we were that close. eventually, we ended up talking. i also heard thru other people about how she was fake/flakey.

i don’t remember the other shits she has done to me but the last thing she did to me was like 2 weeks ago. someone hacked her myspace and sent me all her comments to her cousins ( i had her on my myspace but not her cousins) and aim away messages ( she also had me blocked on aim) and some of her comments consisted of talking to her cousins saying (give me a call……i’ll text you in the morning ..etc). before this hacking thing happened, she promised me that we would finally hang out wednesday which was 2 days after the hacking thing. so i flipped out on her saying what kind of fake bitch she is and how i was always stupid to go back to her and how she was just playing games and how i would make a topic about her and let everyone know what kind of piece of she is. she deleted me on myspace saying that i hacked her thing and then she was only online on the website for only like an hour or two everyday even tho she was online for hours before this happened.

so i started talking shit about her everytime someone mentioned her name and she wrote me a message about how i was being immature and bunch of shit. just 2 days ago, we started talking again and she promised me that we’re definitely hanging out next week.

i’m really confused. i had feelings for this girl ever since the beginning which is the main reason why always went back to her i do think that she is fake but then i don’t wanna accept it. why would she waste her time with me for hours every day for the past 6 months? i understand that she might have had me blocked on aim since she probably wanted to separate her real life friends with her friends from the website and the messaging system was really awesome (kinda like aim and other stuff) so i was okay with that but then why would she not give me her number? who wouldn’t have their phone since the summer? i also don’t get the fact that she is still talking to me after cursing her out and telling her bunch of shit in my last messages. i’m really confused.

i look like a freaking retard still talking to her after all but i have feelings for her and i’m just confused with what she’s trying to do. (i told her that i had feelings for her in my last message when i flipped out on her) and now i’m really wondering if she really is going to hang out with me next weekend.

Btw, i’m 19 and she’s 18. i forgot to mention that she e every time she goes clubbing and she pretty much tried everything.
it’s like i fucking lost my virginity to her lol i go back to her no matter what she does and she still keeps talking to me. i was never a jealous type of person and ever since i started talking to her and of course met her, i freaking changed.

she’s driving me to insanity. she’s on my mind every single second. i can’t even work anymore, my boss always asks me who i’m thinking off. i also got insomnia and i can’t go to sleep before 4 even if i have to wake up at 7 for work
she said she would make otu with you?? uhh

well heres what you do, either quit that forum and find a new one…. or just IL+1 her.

you dont need her shit, and if you dont think about her, it wont be a problem…..
and dude, if you had feelings for this girl by just meeting her over the net, the feelings you are having are not real to her, they may be real to you, but she doesnt care.

you really should stay away from this girl if shes whoring it up on the net anyway.. you want a girl who likes club promoters? no you dont. thats called a trashy club whore…..

u deserve better and will get it someday, once you put her behind you
You really need to move yourself passed this. She’s totally played you for a fool, and it seems that she’s done this before.

You’ve grown too attached to someone who obviously doesn’t care enough about you to even tell the truth or commit to even hanging out with you for 10 fucking minutes at a concert.

It’ll be best for you to simply forget her, like Yuppy said, IL+1.

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My first semester went well enough, but my the middle of my sophomore year I had stopped caring about… anything? We had 12wk semesters, one spent on campus and the next spent working at a co-op. During the school terms, I didn’t study, didn’t go out, didn’t like myself or what I was studying. I stopped being able to read clearly and comprehend, it was like I was in a fog all the time. Reading and the imagination had always been an escape for me, but that was gone. When we would have parties at the house, some nights I would try to be social but many others I would just lock myself in my room with the lights off, shut the blinds, and pray no one would try come in while I thought about dying. Things are still cyclical though, the blackness would get worse around 3/4 of the way through the term and I’d be mostly fine (by comparison) during my work terms. This is around when I found the asylum and starting reading some of the links and stories in here as a way to figure out what the hell was going on with me. I failed out at the end of my Junior year and moved back home. I blamed the school, my prof’s, and myself for being lazy.

I’ve been seeing a girl for the last 2.5 years, met her in college and we’ve mostly kept things up long distance. Its more of a friendship than a relationship, we’re both free to see other people but usually get together every 2-3 months. She’s also been the first person to truly confront me about my black moods, been a caring shoulder to cry on, and ear that would always listen, and convinced me I needed to get help. The point at which I finally snapped came between christmas and new years, in a fit of self hatred and pity I went into the cabinet where I keep all my old pocket knives from when I was a boy scout and tried to cut my wrists. Fortunately I wasn’t a very good scout and they were no longer sharp, but the realization that I had actually pulled a blade across my veins with the firm assumption that they were sharp has had me terrified for the last 2+ months.

From early December to now, I’ve gone from happy about the future in which I think I’ve found my calling and finishing my first semester back in college with a 4.0GPA to brutally and at least at first, as much as it scares me to admit it, suicidally depressed to something in between. I hate getting out of bed in the morning, I haven’t been on time to work for nearly 6 weeks. I’ve lost my motivation for my classes, bailed on appointments to start my fieldwork, and avoided my first major paper. I’ve avoided writing my application essays to the two colleges I’m looking to apply to. I have a hard time falling asleep, anytime I lay down I think about death, dying, the finality of it all, how close I came to it, and how quickly life can be snatched away by disease, misdeed, or sheer accident. I’m tired of feeling this way, so I approached one of my professors on Monday who’s been an educator for 30+ years and was a counselor at several schools as well for a referral to someone she worked with. It was so hard to walk into that office and ask, I must have paced around the floor her office is on 5 times. Thinking about the people on here who’ve made the step, as well as what it means to my girl and myself finally pushed me in. She gave me a number to a doctor who’s office is near my house, and I worked up the nerves to call this afternoon to set up an appointment.
Good for you for making an appointment. You’re on the right track to getting help and eventually rising above this.

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So, fast forward to a few years down the line and we are "friends" (with of course, me still trying to pursue things subtly). So we were out the other night and she said to me "You know, you do more things now than you have in the past".

Now, this gets me thinking. I have done a lot of "dating" things with her and some husband/wife things with her as friends only. This is more than what we did when we were actually dating. Is it possible that she sees this and goes "Hmmm, he’s more fun and interesting when just a friend, there is no need to date him if he’s like this as a friend."

Let me give you guys some ideas of things we have done together since we started hanging out again in July 07:

-Went to local band together with friends, she got sloppy drunk, I took care of her.. she wanted to hook up, I didn’t.

-Had a small private pool party with mutual friends of ours, she spend the night (in same bed, I made two advances that were rejected but we were still close).

-Went to Atlantic City together for a weekend of gambling and dancing, met up with some friends there as well.

-She took me to the mall to help me update my wardrobe for work, etc. In return for the favor she did for me, I got her a new phone (don’t get me started, bad mistake I think but her old one was ready to blow up in her ear)

-Took her to a college football game in September (where I discovered she was dating some guy who was banging her, so I ignored her for a little over a month)

-We started talking again, we planned a Halloween Party together and spent 3 days putting to together and invited all of my friends and all of her friends (even guy friends of hers) and had a fun time..and yeah, she spent the night in same bed again.

-Went to friend’s house for sort of a fondu party, spent the night there.

-She invited me over for Thanksgiving with her and her family, to which I gladly went to have the second dinner.

-She helped me put up a Christmas tree this year, it was really nice and kind of felt good to do something like this with someone I care about and someone who shows they actually care.

-We put together a small get together for a combined Christmas and New Year’s party.

-I took her out for a nice dinner for her birthday

-I also took her out to a nice thai dinner in the city and a play, to which she thoroughly enjoyed

-She stopped seeing the guy, and in the process, I guess I got distant with her for a month.

-This past week she was texting a lot, etc.

-I took her to dinner at my family’s house and had my uncle do her taxes for her as well. We later met up with some friends for bowling.

Now, my question is this… How do I get out of this friendzone trap and am I doing too much with her as friends to make her not want to date me? Sometimes there is really heavy flirting going on there, but it doesn’t go beyond that. So methods I have tried:

-No contact route.. while she does eventually fall for this after a month of no serious contact, it’s just not right and honestly always has backfired on me.

-Dating other women.. tried this route as well. She actually openly suggested I continue to do so and actually has pushed me to do so. (I’ll post more on my dates since October)

-Her friend also pressured her at one point to go back out with me, she didn’t oblige at the time and I don’t think her friend helped by pressuring her.

How do I get from the ex-bf who still does things with his ex-gf like this to the guy who is banging her AND doing all these fun things with her (without playing stupid games, keeping our friendship and not worrying about pressuring each other to be in a relationship and taking things as they go)?
jesus you think too much

…just like me

You don’t. She has already rejected you quite a few times, when are you going to get it? She doesn’t want you to use her for sex. Why should she want to sleep with you when you don’t even want to date her? If you want to get laid go find someone else. Don’t ruin a good friendship just cause you want to get your dick wet.

I think you are mistaken. I *DO* want to date her.. but yet, she will go out and let some guy bang her without him really dating her at all. Anyway, all the above things I mentioned we did together, are things people do together normally when they are dating as well (and if they aren’t, then obviously the only thing that is left is kissing and sex). So I figure, that’s not what she’s looking for… she’s not looking to date someone, she’s looking for something with no strings attached.. when it really comes down to it, I want to date her and be the guy that’s in bed with her at the same time, but she has rejected that idea again for whatever reason. And no it’s not because I am just trying to get in her pants, I hardly ever try to do that, I’m always good to her, put up with her (and she knows it), despite what you are thinking my intention is. I’m not a guy who normally jumps in the sack with the girl, but I’m sick of this friend’s only bullshit when it’s clear we should be more. I’ve had at least 4 people approach me and ask me if we were bf/gf this weekend and then ask me why not and tell me we would be good together.. if I had my way, we would be, but it’s her decision that we are not.
She probably friendzoned you long ago and don’t see you that way… If you can’t see her as a friend, then it’s time to tie it off.
You’re too nice. Stop flowering her with all these gifts and everything else.

After you’ve done this space yourself out from the girl and take time to think and improve yourself. This one’s been done for a while and you still haven’t learned anything.

Welcome, my friend, to hell. She sees you as a friend — a good friend, sure, but just a friend. The advances you make are nothing more than an ego boost for her. If you can’t just be her friend, like she wants, you owe it to both of you to give it a rest. Sorry broseph.

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In early 05, I lost my step-grandfather. A week later, one of my favorite teachers also passed. 6 months later, it was my grandma’s time, I was really close to her. Thats 3 deaths within 6 months. Add that to the fact that, 4 days before my grandma passed away, I found out I had Hepatitis C from a blood transfusion as a baby. The medicine made me very depressed, on top of what was already going on. Over the next couple years, I thought I had finally beaten depression. Now, this. I really dont know what Im gonna do right now. Everything keeps fucking up in my life, and I cant do anything about it. Im really just ranting here.

It seems like Ive realized how bad this is before she has. I dont think its really hit her yet, that by the end of the summer, she could very well no longer exist in the world. Shes gonna try chemo, but Ive seen what that does to people, its not fun. If it were me, Id rather live out my last few months having fun, not laying in bed sick all the time. I dont really know what to think right now, I cant imagine how her parents and siblings must feel.

That’s awful news! What an unfortunate situation!

Life is painful, no doubt man. I can attest to that. Life is suffering at times, but without suffering, we have no opportunity for anything else. I don’t embrace suffering though, but I do think you need to live for something more. Just because their time is up, doesn’t mean yours is. Live, live, live — form bonds with people, form them for the time you have them, inevitably all things fail, all things die, everything fades to gray, and evaporates into the darkness.

Living is an honor to those who love us and those who did love us while here. You’re obligated to make a choice to decide who you’re going to be in relationship to these seemingly overwhelming losses, but that’s what life is man — it’s one big beautiful letdown. The pain, the rain, the loss and a cause, you choose whether or not the shadow proves the sunshine.

Is she giving up, surrendering peacefully, or planning to fight? Does she know she has options to treat the cancer beyond Chemo? Not everyone is competent in Cancer care. There are alternatives, there are incredible specialists with revolutionary new treatments. If she wants to — or you choose to, you can research late stage Ovarian Cancer and seek out the best specialist. There is usually always someone at the top of the field who knows and does experimental treatments which can turn the corner in miracle cases.

Some say believing you can win is enough, but I don’t like leaving things up to faith and higher powers. I prefer probabilities and possibilities, and time and time again, I’ve seen it’s possible to win a fight that everyone was sure would be lost, but I’ve also seen people who believed with no doubt that they’d win — and thus they did their best, only to lose. Me personally? I love a good fight.

If I was going to try Chemo, I’d say fuck that — I’d go after the best of the best treatments possible with the best specialists. I’ve seen what some call miracles — I know somewhere somehow there is an answer behind each, but whether it’s luck of the draw or full out belief in God, or the possibility of overcoming the impossible — whatever, people have done it.

So, there you go. We come here to make a choice about who we are now, and who we’ll be — we choose to live, we choose to die. Some of use don’t even know we have a choice, and thus it’s as though no choice existed at all — but our ignorance doesn’t change the truth.

Decide what direction to go, do it with 100% conviction. Whether it’s to live the last days of life fully, or to fight a war against Cancer. She can choose and you can help her do that.
To make you feel better. My aunt, was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer back in August of 2006 I believe. At the time, it was pretty serious. The doctors told her she had 6 months to live. My aunt, the strong willpower that she had, seeked every form of treatment that she could for this cancer. It’s been over a year, and she still lives today and recently, as of this past Thanksgiving, the doctors told her she was pretty much cancer free. She had her up and down moments through Chemo and all of that for over a year, but in the end, happiness helped her prevail over everything else. She was just glad she is alive and is still going strong today.

All I can tell you, is be there for your current gf as much as you can. Support her, help her get through this, etc. If you truly do love her, let her know this. She’s going to be going through some rough times, that much I can guarantee you. In the end, God will have a way of working things out and for you and her, I hope that both of you live a strong and happy life together for many years to come. Don’t give up, and make sure to encourage her as much as you can and not to give up on life or herself.
How sad, sorry to hear that considering I remember your past with women and go figure you find one you like and are happy and this bomb gets dropped. However, there have been people diagnosed with cancer who has lived til old age and certainly lived past the amount of time the doctors gave (in your case 2-5 months).

All I can say is just be there for her and try to stay positive.
Thats hella sad man
Im sorry for you and your girl..
i am so sorry, i will keep you in my thoughts. Hang in there.
I’m really sorry to hear this…. If she already hasn’t, I would try to urge her to get 2nd, 3rd and 4th opinions on options and possible treatments.

I knew one of my friends needed to get treatment for a foot injury, the first doc told her that she needed it to get amputated. She went to another doc who was able to give her treatment for the injury, which she is now doing completly fine. May not be too related, but it may work for her. Either way, its a sad thing to hear
Update: She got a 2nd opinion, may not be as bad as it sounds. I dont know all the details yet, but theyre now saying it may not be Stage 4, could be even Stage 1-2, meaning it would be operable. However, this would mean she could never have kids, though thats not really a problem for her right now. Still, Ive been seeing her as much as I can, and I can tell she’s trying to not think about it, and just live life, which is what she should be doing.= in my opinion. Ill keep you guys updated.
just came in here to say I am sorry to hear about your girl.

I’m really sorry that you and her have to go through this.
I hope that it turns out to not be as bad as they first thought.
Terrible news to hear about anyone involved in your life. Just be there for her, and support her, and understand that she’s gonna be going through an emotional rollercoaster. Best of luck to the both of you.

Can she have her eggs frozen, or doesn’t that work as well as freezing sperm?
If she can’t have kids she can always adopt. I can understand being upset that you cant bare your own children, but there’s nothing more annoying when those people don’t even contemplate helping the millions of adoptable children. Just because you can’t have your own genes spread doesn’t mean you can’t be a wonderful parent to a child/baby who doesn’t have anyone.
FUCK CANCER!!!!!

Good luck to her, you and both of your friends/family.
My good friend overcame ovarian cancer three years ago, and the best advice i can give is to be there and be compassionate. Good luck. Hopefully you and/or her can get involved in a Relay for Life or some variation in the future!

Work towards the cure!

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I guess I might as well start from the beginning which is the perfect storybook life that I started with. The big house, loving family 2 parents, 3 kids, the happy dog. Big Christmas trees, thanksgiving with family and friends, country club visits, everything anyone could possibly dream of. Then, my dad got cancer. For 7 years we poured millions of dollars into his cancer treatment for him to finally croak when I was ten. I had lost my role model in life. My sisters and mother were also devastated but I was hit especially hard because we were best friends and he was my dad.

My mom’s family which was always pretty shitty remained so so that wasn’t much of an issue but his family turned on us and bailed so fast I didn’t know what happened. I still remember the day when they found out he died they called us late at night and were talking to the three of us (myself and my sisters) on the phone, blaming us for his death. Forcing him to work to support our lavish lifestyle and what not. I always sort of knew they weren’t the nicest people so while I was shocked, I wasn’t that shocked.

The part that shocked and hurt me the most up until that point was at his memorial and the following events. I delivered the Eulogy at his memorial. At the ripe old age of ten I stood in front of hundreds of people and tried to choke back the tears as I talked about how great a man my father was. I managed to get through my whole speech without crying and everyone there was in tears. After my speech every one of his good friends came up to me and pretty much one after the other all said they’d be there for me, to try and fill his shoes. Every boy needs a father, and I needed one then.

This, however, was nothing but talk. The invites to the big thanksgivings stopped. All of a sudden, they were to busy to take me to play golf or tennis or go to the country club with me. One by one, all of his friends who had swore to my face at his memorial that they’d be there for me disappeared. That didn’t help with my abandonment issues at all. My mom, who is a genius that borders on insanity began to cross that line without the counter that was my father. She began getting hardcore into her drugs and losing her grip on reality slowly year after year.

By the time I was in the 8th grade, she was basically useless. She never bothered to see when I came home, whether I did my homework, what my grades were, the only thing she worried about was that if I wanted to try drugs, to try them with her first. I guess it was sort of cool, the fact that I could do anything I wanted, but I really needed a parent.

I managed to do really well in school, during junior high school, top of my class, varsity in sports year round (Cross Country, Basketball, Track and Swimming) and participated in school musicals. Despite my being tall, athletic, intelligent and handsome, I couldn’t manage to get a girlfriend. This, I assume, was because I was too afraid of abandonment. I asked quite a few girls out but I did it so awkwardly I almost threw up. At the end of junior high school I developed gynecomastia (breasts in males) which happens to a lot of guys but goes away in a number of months since its based on fluctuating hormone levels; mine didn’t. The small bit of confidence that I had had before was completely gone. When high school rolled around I stopped doing all sports and quit participating in musicals because I was so embarassed with the way I looked, but at least I would be tall, my father was 6’6", and I had been tall my whole life.

Normally, that problem could be easily remedied with surgery but because I have moderate- severe hemophilia, no doctors would agree to doing the procedure as it would possibly kill me so this is a problem that plagues me 5 years later. I still maintained decent grades and I got into one of the best high schools in the nation. Obviously, without any self confidence whatsoever the girlfriend thing didn’t change at all and I still have yet to have a girlfriend and I’m now 19.

Unfortunately, to add to my unhappiness, I never grew. I’m 11 inches taller than I was when I was 8 years old. I used to joke that I’m the tallest person with a napoleonic complex at 5’11". Everyone always told me that I was going to be as tall as my father but I’m only as tall as my older sister.

I had a few "friends" in high school, more buddies than friends, but we’d hang out in school and one of them I’d hang out with outside of school sometimes, but we’d never go back to my house because I was embarassed of my mom and her bullshit. Anyway, fast forward to last year, senior year of high school, college applications. Everyone from every college was always stressing the overcoming obstacles and challenging adversity bit so I talked about a number of the difficulties I had overcome. I knew I didn’t have the best grades in the world but I did pretty well on my SAT’s and I hoped my character points would more than make up for my A- average. It didn’t. I applied to a bunch of schools and the only one which I got into was Boston University.

When 50% of your student class is going to an ivy, and you see people around you with lower averages getting into your first pick, ED school (MIT in my case) you get a little disappointed. I accepted the fact that I didn’t get in anywhere and I just planned to transfer after freshman year to somewhere I wanted to go. So I go to orientation and get everything prepared and I’m all ready to go and its mid august and I hear from the school that they hadn’t received the first bit of my tuition. I asked my mom and she told me that she wasn’t paying it. I hadn’t gotten into an Top tier school/Ivy so she didn’t feel obligated to pay for it. I wasn’t sure what to do and talked to a bunch of people and they told me to just defer for a year and so I did.

Fast forward to the middle of February, my 19th birthday. I learn that because my mom hasn’t paid rent in a few months she’s getting evicted and she’s moving in with my older sister, with whom I don’t get along, and that I better find a place to go because I couldn’t stay with her. So I have 2 weeks to pack up all my shit and find a place to live. All the money I had saved I spent on moving and paying my first months rent + security (I live in NYC and month to month rent is retarded). Unfortunately, without a college degree, and not really having any generic job experience, its been pretty much impossible for me to find a job. I play poker well enough but it doesn’t really cut it for me.

I’m sitting here, in my room, by myself completely alone in the world at 19 feeling like my luck just can’t get any worse but it doesn’t really get better. I hate the fact that I feel like this but I don’t know what to do. Every day that goes by killing myself just seems like a better and better option. If I could, I’d just change my phone number, take my clothes and computer and just fucking leave for some far off place and start over. I don’t really think I can afford to do that now. Every time I feel like I’m on the verge of something good happening, it all goes to shit.

I’ve tried to do that help yourself stuff but It just doesn’t work out after so many tries and I just give up. It was like that with getting a girlfriend. After 35 or so rejections without so much as a yes, I just stopped trying. Anyway, I don’t really expect any responses I just wanted to get this off my chest since I’m very closed off. Thats part of the problem for me with making friends. Either they complain that they don’t know anything about me and I’m too cryptic or I tell them about myself and they run the other way.

Thanks.
Don’t know what to say man. The best thing you can probably do is to pack up and move to a different town, so you can start anew.
You know what? Thanks!! Thanks for sharing all that. I know it was probably difficult but I appreciate you sharing all that. I never knew you were dealing with such challenges.

I really hope you don’t do this. Perhaps it’s difficult to see now but your pain will decrease with time and your experience will be invaluable to others in the future. Don’t quit 5 mins before the miracle happens.

I think you could but you’d have to postpone the dream of a uni education. However there are countries that will pay for their citizens to go to Uni, I think Norway is one but I’m not sure. Perhaps that’s an option for you?

Oh man….I actually remember this feeling quite well. In fact for years after my dad’s and brother’s deaths, whenever something good would happen, I’d think when is the shit gonna come? It was really no fun and I had a hard time accepting that there wasn’t a guaranteed shit train waiting on me. I realized I just had to live in the moment because there were times that were very good and nothing shitty came behind them…..but I kept looking for it. When I just tried to stay in the moment, just live in today, I was able to enjoy today’s successes without cluttering it up.

Ever listen to Anthony Robbins? He talks about Walt Disney who had to go to something like 95 banks before he found someone to loan him money to get started…..yes…..THAT Walt Disney (i.e. Disneyland, etc). Tony Robbins asks how many of us would have given up at 5 or 10?? However Walt said he’s not going to give up until there are no more banks…..even then, he’ll start over. He knew eventually, he would find one that would loan him money.

Don’t ever quit, don’t ever give up. I know it’s hard to see right now but your experiences right now are making you into the man you will become. Don’t stop that process. There are brighter days ahead. There are many ways to get a Uni degree….just don’t give up…..even if your experience isn’t "perfect" like you had planned.

Part of growing up is realizing our idealized, perfect lifestyles may not be possible. It was hard for me growing up around country clubs and wealth to suddenly have to live on my own is what I considered somewhat of a slum struggling to pay my bills and make ends meet. But you can do it. You can survive and you can prosper. You can turn that pain into the energy that will help you overcome those difficulties…..but not if you give up.

In making friends, I’ve always found it best to withhold all my "bad stories" or "sad stories" until a much later date. People don’t know how to deal with really awful shit and run away scared. So I don’t share that shit with them till much later.

Anyways, hang in there man. This too shall pass.
I just realized this was an anonymous thread. mod edit: lol

Oh well…same advice applies.

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