Few years back, I probably made a thread in here when my ex g/f left me.
I moved to Cali because my mom moved there, got a job, made friends, was having an awesome time.

Dad kicked me out for unknown reasons, probably because I took his old job, but he quit anyway so whatever.
I had been seeing this girl I met shortly after my ex left me, kind of a rebound fuck but she wasn’t the first I had sex with after my ex left.

I had planned to live on a boat in cali, but with my boss only paying me $300 a week, I couldn’t afford to live there. Rather than look for a job or apartment or being somewhat of a responsible human being I called this girl and she told me to come live with her. I didn’t know if that would work, but she travels for her job so she was gone all the time. The novelty of that I did like, but I didn’t want to just use her.
I got a job like right after I got to Texas with this company, and they started bouncing paychecks and I just stuck around like an idiot because I was making some money. We moved out of houston further north and I left that job because everyone else had left at that point as well.
I found another job, but it was shitty, they didn’t pay overtime and I wanted to stay in my field (audio/video installer).
She got a job offer in Alabama and I moved here with her, I have no job now, I’ve been applying everywhere I can think of, I wanted to stay in my field but now I don’t care. I applied at a grocery store for fucks sake.
She told me she’s tired of supporting me, and doesn’t want me to be here since I’m not bringing in any money.
She’s crying and so am I, I didn’t want to be a fucking failure and I am.
She doesn’t want me to go, doesn’t want this to be over but either way I have to go. I feel like if we take a break, we won’t get back together anyway so we are just going to end it. Unless I get a job phone call this week I’m moving.

I just had to rant to someone.
I should mention that I’m 30, and have no college education. I have plans to fix that, but that hinges on me getting a job where I move to.

Hey, things could be worse, you’re not me.
My advice is to be there were the oppertunities are.

There seems to be oppertunity in Alabama but you have to 24/7 search for a job, now is not the time to be kidding around. Just say to your gf that you are going to do everything in your power to get a job, and will leave the house if she really wants you to, but that in the meantime you’ll be out searching for a job. Show her that you are serious, not just with words, but 100% action as wel. You have too many posts on OT, you need to understand that doing important things comes first > having fun its that you have to ensure you are doing the right and the responsible thing here. I can only give you guidance to get thru this, but winning the war is up to you.
Right now, you need to take any job you can get, regardless of field. Once you have enough money coming in to pay your bills, you can start looking for a better job (either in terms of pay or liking the job).

And as far as the living together/relationship….this probably killed it. Once you get some money coming in, look for a different place to live, get some roommates you aren’t involved with. Then you and she will have to see if the relationship can be rebuilt or not.
I was in a similar but better situation than that about 3 years ago. All I can say is…

I know you’re 30 but we had a 34 year old in our division. Yes it will suck, you’ll be 34 being bossed around by little bitch 20 year olds that are higher rank. But if you pick a decent rate you can get a lot of good experience out of it and some good education.

If you do choose this route. Since you have audio/electrical experience already I would recommend the rate ET/FC/IC or something similar. I really hate it at times but it’s a steady and guaranteed paycheck, I’ve gotten to see some really fucking cool places, I’ve gotten some good training out of it. Talk to people in The Barracks or feel free to PM me if you want more info. Don’t make the decision lightly… I don’t hate this palce but I wish I had known somethings I know now before I joined.

As far as your relationship… your financial situation is undoubtedly a contributing factor to your problems. Like was said above, get a job, any job. You’d be surprised how much a good server or bartender can make (maybe a bar tending license/classes would be beneficial?). Just don’t get stuck in that field and get out of it as soon as possible. Basically, you say your making an effort to get a job but do you spend a lot of your time sitting around at your house? Just the simple act of being out looking for a job might give her more faith in you and give you some more time. You need to start bringing in bank.

Finances are definitely a killer of a lot of relationships and marriages.

I hope that if you start college, you will finish it.

When I used to work with older junior college students, they would always tell me that they wanted to finish school. For the most part, many do not finish and most seem to drop out.

Suggestion: What about garbage man? Military?

She doesn’t want me in military, but now that this is going to be over I may consider it.
I’m just going to get something that I can do, and take night courses at a community college if they will transfer so it will be a little cheaper since I’ll have to work and go to school.

I want to make something of myself, but trying to get myself motivated to do that is hard for me. I feel like because I am 30, I’ve wasted my life and won’t amount to anything.

The thing that hurts me is that I don’t think I love her, I don’t even know if I can say it, my ex and I told each other that we loved each other but I don’t think I ever did and I didn’t want to tell this girl that I did if I didn’t.

Even if I get a call back this week for a job I think it’s best if we do split, with her being gone for work so much, I never see her and I do miss her when she’s gone, and when she’s home it’s only for a few days.
I miss my friends terribly, and the though of moving to be with them is a happy one, but I just feel like shit again because I’ve fucked up another relationship and I never wanted to hurt her. I hate myself so much right now, I should be sleeping next to her but I can’t sleep, I just pace back and forth crying.
Sorry for ranting again, doubt it helps me to type it out but whatever.

More than likely wisconsin, thought about moving back to Houston but I think that’s a good idea.
Last post for a while because I’m moving on friday.
My truck started shifting weird the other day and I think my trans fluid is burnt, I do not have money to drain and re-fill this fluid and if this trans is broken I don’t know what I am going to do.
I have not gotten any sleep lately, I stay up so late and cry my eyes out.
I can’t stand myself and that I’m such a failure, I hate myself for what I’ve done to her. I had a chance at something really good and I just fucked it all up. I might as well be a fucking drug addict.
I felt the same way when my other ex left me, part of me knows or wants to know that I will get over this, but the other part of me wants myself to suffer emotionally for what I’ve done or not done to her.

I really feel like I should just end this. I don’t know why I should get over her? What’s the point? I want to be a better person because of her, I want to be a better person to her and be with her. And I can’t even tell her I love her because I’m don’t know if I do or not. How the hell am I supposed to know? I keep hearing that you’ll know if you do, and I don’t want to say it and not mean it.

You don’t have to respond to this, I’m just putting my thoughts out because I can’t go to sleep crying and wake her up.
I think u should not worry about a relationship until u can manage yourself.
IF she wont support you, and is not willing to support you through this time, she is just some sleeze. Get away from her. Either go to the military or find a broke ass job. I know u can get a job at McDonalds or some store, just for the time being, who cares about status. Get the job, live in your truck if u have too.. Save money and start going college. Get ur AA, and get a desk job.. If thats not for you, join the military… With the situation u have, u better stop feeling pity for yourself and get going. your 30, have no edu., and no job… there are many ways to come up..

for ex… A football player walked onto his college team. HE had no family, or money to pay for school. He worked out his local grocery store and lived in his truck… He showered and hygiened at his school gym. He made it out of college to the NFL….now has not a worry in site..

Its time to get up and realize reality dude. You can do it

I really don’t think that’s fair.

The gf may simply NOT be able to support herself and another person.

You don’t love her. You are just lost in life right now and are clinging to anyone who shows you affection.

Ending your life wouldn’t solve anything. Life isn’t easy, you’re supposed to figure it out. When bad things happen they tend to happen all at once, but the trick is to not freak out every time something new and horrible happens. No one rewards the weak. You learn to take pride in yourself the more you fight for what you want.

What do I suggest? I first suggest you get a sheet of paper and pen out. Instead of staying up all night crying and feeling guilty you should put all your apologies and feelings into a letter. It’s up to you whether you want to send that letter to your ex or keep it. Many times after you write the letter you don’t even have to give the letter to your ex because you already feel so much better writing it all out.

Other than that do you by any chance have the money to seek some kind of therapist?

Well, I am not neccissarily talking about financial support. It sounds like she wont support him in any way, shape or form. I dont know the full story, but if she needs to move on, let her do so. You could use mental support. Find some friends to see if they can help…. Jus dont give up man.
take a beer baster, fill it with corona, and inject it into your ass, while recording and posting on the internet for some internet money?
hopefully you remember that thread, otherwise I’ll just seem like an ass
From the sounds of it, she’s not someone you care about really, so you shouldn’t be living with her anyways. You need to find someone you do care about (eventually).

It might be time to suck up your pride and apply for welfare and go to workshops to find work. Also, there are temp agencies which are generally an excellent way to find immediate work and immediate cash. I’ve got through many a tough time while unemployed by working for temp agencies.

As for the military, what does it matter whether she wants you to or not? You need to fix your own life, first and foremost. If joining the military is a good option for you, and something you’d like to consider, then by all means, do so.

That said, given that you’re 30 years old, they may not want to take you, so speak to a recruiter before you make any definite plans.

Do try to go the officer training route, where they pay for your schooling. Sure, it involves guaranteeing time in service, but, as an officer, you’re less likely to get shot at than a non-com
You sound EXACTLY like my friend, only difference is that he isn’t living with his current gf (yet).

But he too, is frustrated at lack of job opportunities and when he gets them, places find excuses not to hire him. I told him to change his field and stop looking for so much money considering he has a year, limited, experience in IT and no education at all… but he expects to be handed at least 60 grand a year *sigh*

On top of this, he lives at home with his mom, his stepdad and grandparents still at age 31 and he mooches off his gf as well, she’s paying for his health insurance, writing checks for him in hopes he pays her back (he still owes me $600 as well.. I stopped lending 2 years ago) and paying for his food/clothes. Sounds like he found a sugar momma…

So in essence, if could be MUCH worse. What is holding you back in the job market? Are you black balled or something?
Work for a distributor. I work for a beer distributor and we are ALWAYS looking for people. I work for a beer distributor and we are selling beer out the wazoo and we can’t find extra help!

Jump on the trucks or merchandise a grocery store!

Yea, however the part you that I didn’t get to post cause thread got locked was that I didn’t do that, I lied and got that other chick to do it with a tampon tho

To answer the other posts, I’ve looked, maybe not as hard as I should have, but I have looked and turned in applications and called and get nothing.
I feel worthless and I can’t see the point in going on.

I’m going to sleep. Sorry..just needed to write stuff out I guess.

yeah, you told me it in another thread though

oh, and go to temp agencies

seriously

best choice for you right now
Suck up your pride and take a job, any job, for the sake of having one. It may not be glamorous but hopefully it will pay the bills until something better comes along. Flip burgers if you have to, just get it done and get back in school.
If your girlfriend was supporting you then you are a bum, sorry.

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I just went on a great vacation in the San Francisco / Sonoma, and I can’t stop thinking about that part of the world. However, I know it will be difficult to make enough money to get by there. It might actually be worth it to be around new types of people.

I’m 27-years old, and I feel static like I don’t have much of a future aside from doing the same shit over and over, year by year, while living in one part of the world. I feel particularly like I’ve been meeting the exact same woman, over and over for the past decade, regardless of how I alter my behavior…which probably means I’m not altering my behavior, lol.

Is all this crap illogical?

Spent my whole life living outside the Washington D.C. area. Went to visit Yosemite and Tahoe on vacation 5 years ago, moved to Tahoe 6 months later. Im pretty damn happy about the decision.
I have that urge too, and I just moved to Rochester, NY last September. Now I’m moving to a small town an hour away for an engineering internship. I’m excited about it but also a little worried since it is a town of 6,000 people. Not sure what I’m gonna do with my free time over, especially meeting people my age (20s).
I moved from N. Idaho to Georgia 5 years ago.

A move is refreshing, though hard. Go for it. Worst that can happen is you decide to move back, right?

Arent you close to the Adirondacks? Should be tons of fun up there if you like outdoors.
I’d feel that way if I lived in Texas

But seriously, I’m from California and I cant wait to move back one day. As Led Zeppelin says, "the West is the best!" But I also live in Florida now and love it. I personally can’t stand Texas, Oklahoma, and I could never actually live in New Orleans.

I’d say think about it if you actually had the money and knew what you would do there for work.
I’ve lived in CA most of my life, but have moved around a lot. I spent about a year in Florida and didn’t like it much. I mean I had a blast and all, but I had never felt so home sick before.

The first time I traveled alone I went to Pennsylvania and Ohio. I could see myself living there and also North Carolina and Maine.

Sometimes change is good, but be sure that you’re running to and not away from something.
I would love to move out of Texas…not because I hate the state [I love it here] but because I feel like I need a huge change in my life. I hate the feeling of stagnation.

I agree. I feel like i know everyone here. I want to be in a new culture. Its like you grow up wherever because that’s where your parents decided to raise you, once you grow up, you need to pick a location / culture with what you’ve become.

Exactly! I adore the culture here in Texas, I do….but even if it’s just to another city in TX, I need a new atmosphere. I can’t wait till I can save up enough money to move….
DO NOT move to Marin/Sonoma. I can assure you of this.

I’m a graduate of a HS in that area. Look at my location, i’m long gone.

I don’t miss it nor would I even move back if I had the chance to.

SF is cool if you have that kinda money. My friends there like it.
Dissatisfaction with your situation isn’t always a bad thing. The people who don’t feel it (or bloack it out) wind up doing the same thing because it’s easy. It’s not very fulfilling though.

If shit isn’t to your liking, change it! It’s a pain in the ass butit sure beats feeling like you’re suffocating. I know – I flipped my whole life upside-down about a year and a half ago.

It was early 2006. I was pretty well established in a good (if not great) job. My setup was not bad in its own modest way. I had plenty of cash – bills were always paid with no trouble and I had plenty of play money too (perhaps too much – I didn’t realize how much I was spending until I started saving for the move ).

Even with the financial situation, I just wasn’t happy. I liked my job but I couldn’t see it being a career for a number of reasons. One, there were other things I’d rather be doing. Two, I had pretty much maxed my earning potential at that company. So I decided to change it.

So here I am. 2200 miles from where I was and starting over. It isn’t easy – right now I’m temping for an embarrassingly small wage while I try to forge a new career. Believe me, living with no buffer cash is fucking scary. I don’t even care about the spending money so much. All the same I’m trying. I know I’d hate myself if I were still coasting at my old job. Things are starting to happen, so hopefully the money will come soon.
Hmm…I’ve thought about living in different parts of the country and in fact, I might move. But you know, moving simply to satisfy "The Grass is Greener" syndrome is kinda silly to me. I mean living anywhere has it’s positives and negatives.

But you travel a lot with your job so perhaps you have more data on these other locations than I do. I dunno, if I’m moving anywhere, it’s either to Denver or Dallas.
I moved to NC from NH on a snap decision with $600 to my name. I stayed with a friend for a while, and then met my now husband. If I hadn’t made that snap decision to move my life would be entirely different. I wouldn’t be financially stable, I wouldn’t be married and I certainly wouldn’t be getting ready to try having a baby. I’d at most be a hair dresser living in an over-priced apartment in a boring ass town.
You only have one life. Do what you feel compelled to, just have some sort of back up plan (even if it’s living in your grandma’s basement) just in case you decide you don’t like it or everything goes wrong. You never know what’ll happen or how it can change your life until you do it.
I say do it.

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stop torturing yourself by checking up on her. shit will get better, it always does. seeing a therapist would definatly help. I wish i had done it sooner, i wasted so many years battling my demons on my own. the help is there, it will make you feel better, faster. GL.
You have the power to turn it all around. You have the power to create a life of your dreams. You want to quit but don’t….this too shall pass.

It’s in our darkest moments that we come face to face with who we are and it’s in these moments that we can make enormous changes in our lives.

I think you need help and support through this time and I agree, you need therapy. You can also go get some books from the library. One I would suggest is by Anthony Robbins called Awaken The Giant Within. It’s a fantastic book that will teach you how to make big changes in your life.

You are not the only one that has been in this kind of situation. I have too, not a divorce but I was so close to bankruptcy that it was amazing I made it out without one. I had to realize that I didn’t know shit and I needed to learn how to live in this world. When I was soo fucking miserable and alone and broke, I sold the one valuable asset I had left….a police scanner. It was like a $500 scanner and I sold it for $250, I think. I took that money and bought Anthony Robbins "Personal Power" tape program and that started me on my journey.

Now on that journey I happened to discover that I was also an alcoholic and I needed help to treat that fucking disease. None of this was easy but I’m so glad I hung in there because life can be really beautiful.

I’ve been through hell on earth and came out the other side a better man. You can to. It’s totally worth it and I hope you’ll make the choice to carry on.

Good Luck and God Bless.

you go on because it is what you do. most people have a shit life with a shit future. it is a sad fact but it is still better than not existing at all.

you just have to look at all the little things that make you smile. that’s all life really is. the little things. the things you know you would miss if you never got to experience them again.

trust me i think about not going on a lot. it always hangs over me like a cloud and sometimes i lift my arms begging the lightning to strike me. you just have to find one reason to go on. that’s all you need.

hang in there sweetie

I started seeing one last week but cannot get into see him again for about 2 weeks. Not sure how its going to help

She is my wife, I love her more than I love myself. All I ever wanted in life was someone like her and to be moderately successful and now she is gone and if I dont pass this work test, Im out of a job. With no job, no dual income and my debt I will never escape so there is no point in going on.

yes there is!

You can escape…even if it all turns to shit. You can declare bankruptcy if it gets bad enough. You can also try to cut back on expenses and work your way out of it.

There’s a lot to live for….overcome something as huge and smothering as a mountain of debt is an amazing feeling. I’ve been there and done that.
you’ve been living your life for your wife, start living life for yourself. you deserve someone better.
thinking of war helps, take a look through a WW2 gallery, take some time to realise that no matter what the hell you think you are going through now, 1000′s and 1000′s of people before you have been through much worse just so you have the chance to live today freely.

ok, so you’re not competing with the rest of the world in terms of glamorous lifestyle, but you’ve got to start small when you’re rebuilding your life, and when you succeed, you’ll have much stronger foundations to your character than those who have never had to deal with and conquer problems.
I gotta ask; what did you do, or not do, that caused all of these things to happen? Since it is your life, you must be implicated somehow. So what did you do wrong? And what can you do differently?

no no. no one has to do something wrong. Right and wrong are merely labels, try to think of what you can take away from the situation, try to learn and better yourself because of it. but first comes grieving, take your time brother no need to rush these things.
get over it i used to live in a storage shed with nothing but a case of beer and a sleeping bag.

things get tough sometimes, they only get too tough if you decide to make them that way
Here’s how I think of things. There is no point to life. Therefore I can make whatever I want out of it whenever I want, however I want (Within reason of course).

If you don’t like the past learn to forgive and let go and then move on. This is the toughest part but a good way of thinking about it is that the past, just like the future, only exists in your mind. If you are hung up about something it’s because you let it. You will be worm food soon enough, don’t be foolish and kill yourself now.

Here’s some shit to put your mind on the right track:

1832- Lost job and defeated for state legislature
1833- Failed in Business and as a farmer
1835- Love of his life died
1836-Had nervous breakdown
1838-Defeated for speaker
1843-Defeated for nomination for congress
1848-Lost renomination
1849-Rejected for land officer
1854-Defeated for US Senate
1856-Defeated for nomination for Vice President
1858-Again defreated for senate

1860- President Lincoln

Now these are just footnotes on his tough life but he learned from his mistakes and obviously didn’t dwell on the past in a negative way or else he woudln’t have tried, and failed, so often.

Completely off subject, but Lincoln never attempted to be a farmer.

But Lincoln is always an incredible example of someone who was brought up with nothing and achieved what many consider success.

… oddly enough sounds kinda like fun. i live my life for new experiences, and that sounds like quite an experience.

Shit. I didn’t write it though and I’ve lived in Canukistan for 24 years so you’ll have to forgive me on missing some details of American history.

Why do people think they have the only true history of someone or something. Isn’t it possible that he did try to be a farmer and you just haven’t read that book or heard that story?
Listen clearly.

All things will come to pass.

This, as remarkable as it seems, is a potent time of self discovery. This is when you can learn the most about yourself.

So what if we lose our job? When one door closes, another one is opened. Something must die in order for something to be born.

You are probably just really, really tired by the sounds of it. And I have felt that tremendous weight. Had I known now, then, I would have used those terrible experiences as extreme self observation.

You are becoming very identified with the situation. We cannot be like that, we cannot identify with these chemical messengers, this will get us killed.

If you find that you are becoming very identified with the cowards door out – suicide – please give yourself a half hour, please allow yourself to contact multiple people, and please notify the authorities.

Yes, they will take you to a safe place, and if you cooperate, you will not be getting out of there until you get your head clear. There are other ways of clearing your head other then a gun.

That is important. Do not give yourself time to identify with terrible things, if you feel the push to leave life because it is so terrible at a given time, please contact someone to rescue you.

I cannot recommend any more then that, because first sir it is imperative that you give a shout for help so we can find you, in the dark cloud you are in. I cannot hear you from here, however others can, I recommend 911.

Do not let the darkness that is hell surround you and choke you to death. It is all but an illusion, one that seems to have no end!
You kept threatening to leave her, so she left you instead.
Every time you tell a woman to leave you make them feel a little less loved and a lot less self worth, you can be damned sure you’re not the only one in pain right now. She won’t want anything to do with you for a long time.
You will find someone else and won’t make the same mistakes. Life goes on, life gets better.

Of course it’s possible, but I’ve read many letters that Lincoln wrote himself expressing how he had absolutely no desire to ever be a farmer.

There has to be some point of convincing. To me, his own words are very convincing.

I always thought he grew up farming and couldn’t do it because he hated it so much.
I’ve always wondered (keep in mind this is completely coming from a logical standpoint and not an emotional one at all) that if one was suicidal, why not just entirely devote your life to benefiting others? If you’re ready to die, you obviously don’t care about what happens to you, so why not help others (greater good)? Go make someone else happy.

That might even release some feel-good chemicals and make you want to live again.

edit – I’m sure tho that if one is suicidal, they probably don’t care about other people, much less themselves, and therefore wouldn’t be inclined to dedicate their life to benefiting others. Depression chemicals in the brain and such.

That’s exactly right.

When I say he "never had a desire to do it," I mean he didn’t like it even when he was forced to do it by his father. Once he broke away from his family and went out on his own, he didn’t want to farm and he didn’t think much of his farmer father either.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned so far in life…it’s that negative thoughts results in negative events. When you sit around and sulk about how terrible your life is, you aren’t accomplishing anything, you’re digging yourself deeper.

I used to be in the same boat, I felt like all the shit in the world rested on my shoulders. I was one class away from failing out of college, I was in a deteriorating relationship of 3 years (girl cheated on me), and I wasn’t getting along with my parents. Literally overnight, I had an epiphany and decided that I was going to quit with the bullshit. It helps to realize that no matter what is going on in your life, most people out there probably have it worse (you have a place to live, you live in a country where there’s more opportunity than many others, you’re healthy). No matter what happens in your life, you will still have problems to deal with. If you win the lottery tomorrow, your problems won’t disappear. The difference between those who live happily, and those who don’t, is completely controllable with your mind.

Think positive, and good things will happen. When something negative happens, take it as a lesson learned. Instead of wasting your time crying about it, understand what went wrong and use it to improve something you still have control over…your future. I know it sounds really fucking cliche, but I can vouch for it because I live by it. I’ve since graduated college, I moved out of state to a place I feel I’ll live for the rest of my life, I have a new girlfriend of almost 3 years that is a perfect match, we’ve bought a house, stable job, and I’ve never been happier.
If you’ve ever been in a position in your life where you just can’t take any more, you just have to get through the next second, and the next second after that.
Michael Novak

go for it and tell me how you liked it

I lived like that for a while and thought it was a blast because I knew that it was temporary (Well it wasn’t certain to be temporary but I was naive so it made it fun. Everything just turned out right).

dude sounds like you need a hooker and i just poped my cherry

Congratulations, keeler, you’ve grasped the concept of relativism. (NOT relativity.)

However, I think we can all agree on a common definition of a good life being one that you’re happy with, so if his life is not the way he wants it to be, then he has clearly done something wrong. I want to know what it is; I want him to tell me what he’s done, and what other people have done, that have resulted in his life being so miserable, because until he defines what is wrong action, he can’t start to take right actions. It doesn’t have to seem like a good idea to me — maybe shooting heroin three times a day is what he’s always wanted to do with his life — but as you so aptly pointed out, he has a definition of right and wrong, and he needs to start doing what he thinks is right. I’m just trying to make sure he know what that is.

That cannot possibly be your first post. Are you really that stupid?

Not that I was totally living for it.

Right now I am starting to go through these feelings of ending it again. I have court coming on Wednesday and I have a feeling that I will get served divorce papers that day. I made it through my probationary period at work but now its like, why the fuck bother. What do I have to look forward to? I am totally alone. I come home each night to an empty house with everything that reminds me of her. I think about all that I have done for her and all the fun that we have had and then now to know that she is making plans to move on without me. And I cannot even contact her. What do I do? I cant focus on anything, I joined the gym but havent gone yet. I think of it as pointless. Im rambling here but I just do not know why I should keep on enduring this shit.

Not sure how to respond to this except I try not to think about it but I cannot stop, its how my brain works. I cant stop thinking of the failure.

After I got my DUI in January I had that same epiphany, I decided I was going to just be happy. I did everything that I could to be happy and look at things differently. As I did that I tried to get Megan to do it with me and she resisted. She kept saying that she would make changes and never did. That is what pushed me over the limit that night I got arrested.

Plus now its like I lost her income. Now Im not going to be able to pay bills and to make more than the minimum payments so how the hell will I ever go and make it on my own. Its like this just totally fucked me and all my plans for the future.

If I had my way I would relocate, get out of here and move to TX, NM, AZ, AL somewhere in the good old South. Maybe I could float out a resume or two and see if someone would re-locate me.

You cannot force yourself to stop thinking. You must observe the relationship between yourself and the world around you to become self aware, and by becoming aware you stop the thinking.

Thinking leads down no good roads. Thinking is a waste of time, and only has an occasional use here or there.

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I look through the receipt jar and find this…

Look a little more closely…

This leads me to a search under the bathroom sink, turning up a POSITIVE test she had stashed in the back of the cupboard.

Why hasn’t she told me? Should I tell her I know? Suprise her with flowers? Let her tell me when she wants?

wtf?!? I’m not sure what to do.
shit tests are 18.00 now anyways man on a serious note she may be waiting for the right time to tell you i dont know wats the receipt dated in any case im not really sure what i would do definitly talk to her about it at some point but not sure what u would say
She probably bought one of those two or three packs. Hell, I would. I’d take test after test if one came back positive. SO would come home and there’d be a fucking pile stacked on the sink with me sobbing LOL.

In any case, give her her space. If she doesn’t tell you in a week, bring up how she’s acting a little weird, she seems stressed, letting her know you’re there for her.

Now I hate to be the one to ask this…but would your wife consider an abortion? She may be deciding if she wants to keep the child or not. Or maybe she’s waiting to get a blood test before telling you.

In any case, give her a little time and a little space. She probably has some stuff to work out with herself.
I concur with the above post on this. Give her time to tell you. Don’t pull it out of her because she might not be ready to let you know.

If she doesn’t let you know within a couple weeks, then bring it up. Heck, just ask her if she’s feeling all right and that she seems on the edge lately.
When’s the date on the receipt? Maybe she’s just waiting to tell you till she’s really really sure and has gone to the ob/gyn to have a blood test done. Have yall been planning/talking about/want to have kids?
If I were you I’d just wait a bit and see what happends. If this is a good thing for yall, she might be planning on telling you in some really cool/cute way so dont steal her thunder and ruin it.
If you havent been planning on having kids though, thats different, but I’d still wait a little bit to give her a chance to tell you.
I mean, its not like you guys have been abstinant and now you’re finding this, right? That’d be a whole different story.
the optimistic side of me says that she is planning a nice dinner or something with the surprise announcement

the pessimistic (driven by reading OT and it’s massive distrust of women in general) side says that she is hiding it for a reason

which would occam’s razor cover? the first one – she hid the test rather than threw it out – if she were unhappy about the test results, she would have destroyed all evidence.
My sister took a test, found out she was pregnant and then surprised her husband
Maybe she wants an abortion…in which case surprising her with flowers may not be a good idea.

Exactly. A lot of women (at least from what I’ve heard, I’ve never been pregnant) save the first positive pregnancy test they take as a ‘momento’ and sometimes include it in things like scrapbooks and babybooks.

.

I was going to say I doubt abortion is an idea since she saved the test. Women notoriously do that when they are excited over the baby. I bet she wants to surprise you….or is terrified and planning how to tell you.

Either way, I think surprising her would be a bad idea. Either wait or just excitedly say you found the test.
OH MY GOSH YOU’RE GOING TO BE A DADDY!!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Don’t tell her you know, otherwise you’ll never know if it’s someone else’s.
The receipt is from April 8th, two days ago. I checked.

I’m still torn. I can’t imagine why this would be a bad thing for her, but I don’t really know what she is thinking right now.

Oh man, it’s hard to keep my mouth shut.
Tell her this….

"Hey honey, you know, I ran into my old friend Chris’s ex-wife at the mall today. Did I ever tell you about him? One day on his way home from work, his car was pummeled by a diesel and he was killed instantly. His wife got the call about an hour later while she was at home planning a creative way to tell him that she was pregnant. She always said that her biggest regret was not telling him as soon as she found out. Perhaps if he would have known earlier, he wouldn’t have gone to work and would still be alive to see his baby. Wow! I couldn’t imagine living with that burden."
It’s not yours. Nah, I’m just kidding, but seriously, give it a week or two — see if she comes out with it, unless you don’t trust her and think she’d do something you’re worried about (Like abortion?).

Two whole days? Seriously dude, just wait. I’ve known girls who’ve waited a week past the first pregnancy test date to tell their husbands/SO’s.

winner!
I would imagine if she REALLY didn’t want you to know she would have gotten rid of the stick and shredded the receipt
She’s in the kitchen making dinner right now…

She thinks I don’t know. BUT I KNOW….

Oh yes, I know….

It’s really hard not to say something.
LOL you’re killing me. She’s probably waiting to see her gyno to make sure. Has she ever been pregnant before?

Hang in there Ace. oh, and act really surprised when she tells you Don’t blow it.

Occam’s razor says that she hasn’t told you because she doesn’t know yet.

Does anyone know if pregnancy tests turn positive if they sit too long?

Unless you put the test back in the exact same spot you found it in, she already knows you found it.

The test was just bought two days ago, and is nowhere near the expiry date (I checked). I put it back exactly as I found it. I did, however, keep the receipt for evidence.
I meant will a used test turn positive if it sits too long.

Doubtful. It responds to the presence of a hormone that is either there (pregnant) or not (not pregnant).

If the test is positive, it’s because the pregnancy hormone is in her urine, not from sitting with piss on it for a few days.

No they won’t.

Additional note for everyone: Pregnancy tests are 99.999 percent accurate, based on WebMD, Medline. If it’s positive, she’s pregnant. However, being the skeptic that I am, I would buy a second test and see a doctor for blood testing too.
Personally, I would hang back, enjoy the fact that you are going to be a father, but don’t attack her for not telling you. You never know she very well may be trying to think up some way to surprise you. Don’t fuck up something you’re not sure of.

Yes, they can due to evaporation lines.

Pregnancy test results are not reliable unless viewed within about the first 10 min.

what happens when she drinks it?

You can have a glass of wine while you’re pregnant.

That may be so but 99.9% of western women nowadays won’t touch any alcohol while preggo.

Eh, I doubt it’s that high a percentage. There are a lot of shitty ass mothers.

Most people are skeptical about this stuff anyway (wether they get the result they ‘want’ or not), which is why almost all pregnancy tests come in packs of two

Yeah, but it depends on what kind of test it is and what the symbols are. Some have a "-" for not pregnant and a "+" for pregnant, some have a "=" for pregnant and a "-" for not pregnant, some have a gd smiley for pregnant and a frown for not pregnant, so its hard to say they’ll "turn pregnant" if they sit too long – they just might not have the right kind of lines or something after that long…. but youre right they might not be accurate any more

Noted. I didn’t explain myself clearly. I meant there is evidence that you can drink a little bit and statistically not affect the baby but most mothers that are decent in the western world don’t care, don’t know and/or won’t touch it.

i strongly believe in a glass of wine a week while pregnant. its good for you

says vodka_lover

fixed
Just wait and see. Do something nice for her to show her you care about her. It might make her decision to tell you whats up a bit easier. If she is pregnant, she may be worried about your reaction or not know how to say it. As mentioned above, she could be considering abortion. If she doesn’t say anything in another week or so, or if your going to explode holding the secret, mention you’ve noticed she’s been acting odd the past little while and prompt her to tell you if anythings wrong.

Came in to post this. Seems everyone else missed it? Lol keep ups posted. My sister is having her baby sometime in the next week or two I am so excited

Maybe it was you who peed on the stick and it turned positive so you have testicular cancer?

(joke)

Let us know how it goes. I hope there isn’t anything sinister behind it

Good thing I’m up north then.

It’s prob not a bad thing, unless she thinks you might think it’s a bad thing. But I’m sure, as mentioned before, she is just waiting to surprise you.

Dude, he didnt mean western as in California or Texas
she could be cheating on you and doesnt want to tell you cause she thinks the baby isnt yours or is not sure either way.
Any updates on this man? we’re all hanging off our seats
She’s hiding it from you because she doesn’t want to get an abortion.

So the longer she waits without telling you, the less likely an abortion becomes.

It pisses me off how many guys are just total doormats — you are letting your woman get away with LYING and deceiving you.

Whatever, it’s too late for you, clearly she already has your nutz in her purse if this is acceptable behavior. Congrats daddy, no go chain yourself to a desk because you are going to be giving up your paycheck for the next 18 years.
UPDATE…

I asked my wife point blank, and she said she was just waiting to make sure. Later that day, she went to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, and started bleeding while she was there.

She WAS pregnant, now she isn’t.

Sucks.

I’m married for 5 years to her, with her for 8 before that, own a condo and both have 2 good, full-time jobs.

We are more than capable and ready to handle a baby.

She has had a miscarriage before, and didn’t want to get anyone excited, and it turns out she was right to do so.

You are an idiot.
I’m so sorry. That’s heartbreaking.

I hope that you are successful when you’re ready to try again.
Oh no, that’s devastating. How are you both coping with it all?
We are doing OK. It’s time to see some specialists and see if there is some sort of issue that is causing her to miscarry.

She’s had at least 2 miscarriages, and thinks she may have had a third between the other 2.

A few people we know who had similar problems went through some sort of anti-biotic therapy for the woman, which apparently helped them a lot.

We’ll see…
I’d probably fall apart if that had all been happening to me, I’d just completely die inside.

If she’s turned a kind of crimson colour with the hugs she could probably do with a little more squeezing, go for a nice bright purple.

Have you had any children together before?

No children, just bad luck.

Thanks for the well-wishes guys!
Hopefully the specialist will be the barer of ‘this is easily fixable!’ news.
Here’s hoping your luck turns around.

Dot!
Yeah. It’s not like the parts don’t work at all, it’s just that the embryos haven’t remained viable.

Got my fingers crossed…

Why would you even consider your wife cheated on you if you have been together that long.

My wife had a miscarriage and was put on Progesterone supplements when she got pregnant the next time. Basically she just had a lack of progesterone development which means that the embryo wouldn’t attach correctly and therefore become unviable.

Best of luck
My aunt went through the same thing. She and my uncle tried for about 10 years while married, went through treatments….came out in the end with two healthy little boys.

Good luck. Hope it turns out well for y’all

wtf are you talking about?

Good info. Thanks!

We need all the hope we can get! Thanks!
Everyone who prays is praying for you, everyone who wishes is wishing for you, and everyone who smiles will smile at the thought of your dreams coming true.

I’m in a mushy mood *shh*
So so sorry to hear this My prayers are with the both of you

Dont give up hope man. My sister had 2 miscarriages. She is now on baby #3 and actually due tonight/tomorrow! It was rough for our family for a while but now shes going to have a healthy baby boy!
Oh God, that’s so terrible. I’m sorry things turned out that way. I agree with the above, miscarriages are never a certain sign that you won’t be able to have a baby. Good luck.

Holy sugary-teeth-rotting-sweet batman. I think I just became a fuckin’ diabetic thanks to you, shit, where is my insulin?!

even after my wife would test positive with an at home test, she still went to the gyno to get tested.

i take it this wasn’t a planned pregnancy? How do you feel about having a child?

edit: oh wow, sorry.

My aunt and uncle had a similar experience, but came out with 4 boys and a girl.

OP: best of luck as you two move forward with whatever treatment they give you.
My mom had two miscarriages before she had me..then six years later she had my little sister. I’m in my 20′s and my sister and I are both healthy and happy. Best of luck you will be in my thoughts.
I know it’s a bit early now that y’all are just now starting to talk to doctor’s about possible conditions and treatments…but have y’all discussed adoption at all? You should probably at least begin that conversation.
After reading the first few pages I was about to say that some women think that it is just them that get pregnant and end up taking weeks to tell their partners that they are pregnant. Some buy personalised beer with labels, others t-shirts and what not. I don’t understand it. You both fall pregnant, it shouldn’t be hidden from the dad at all – unless of course there is bad blood and then you ask why are you sleeping with the guy.

Then I read further and that sucks I think your wife should have let you in on it. Regardless of wanting to be sure or just seeing what happened, she should of let you share the joy and the pain with her.

Good luck in the future
i came in to post that if the test shows shes pregnant she can still get her period.

My gf’s friend thought she was pregnant and told her bf who flipped out on her saying if she keeps it they ruined there lives (17/18 lol) But she apparantly got it.

I’m so sorry to hear that

I hope you get a little Jr. in the future!

It has been talked about, and neither of us are really sure what we think of the whole idea. It’s not something to enter into without being fully committed to the idea.
BTW, thanks for all the well wishes! It really is appreciated.

Good luck finding someone to take you seriously.
My wife had 2 miscarriages before being able to carry the baby full term. We are due on May 4th.

The thing about the miscarriages that just drove me up the wall is that I couldn’t find anyone that was willing to look into WHY she had 2 miscarriages back to back.

Even the most compassionate doctors just shrugged there shoulders and were like, ‘Thems the breaks.’.

A lot of things make me happy about this pregnancy, but the short of it is I don’t know if I could have taken a 3rd or a 4th miscarriage.

I’m glad y’all have at least talked about it a bit. Communication is key with situations like this. Wish y’all the best!

This is not the main forum.

My bad.. i didnt realize. sorry, hopefully everything works out.

Oh wow, dodged bullet.

My husband and I went through a similar experience having multiple miscarriages and nobody could tell us why. We’re both relatively young and healthy, all the parts worked but it just wasn’t happening. We gave up trying for awhile because it was starting to get so frustrating and depressing. About 2 years later we got totally surprised . I went to the Dr. because I felt a lump in one of my breasts, they hurt so bad and I thought I had cancer or something terrible,(never had any of the normal pregnancy stuff like nausea, this was my only symptom) but instead I found out I was actually pregnant with our adorable little boy Jake. He is happy, healthy and the spitting image of Daddy.

Good luck to you and your wife.

i was hoping for a happy update but i will send positive thoughts yalls way. there are lots of things to try to help get pregnant. all the best for yall.

READ the update!
at least she’s eating healthy

@ best buy cheese

Im sorry to hear this mate. Remember, MOST women have at least one miscarriage, and many women have several, before they have a baby. Hang in there.
Been there about three months ago dude. Miscarrying is rough all-around. Like you mentioned, most women have had a miscarriage in one way or another in their life. Most don’t even know it.

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The possibilites seem to be (in my mind):
1.) attention
2.) self loathing
3.) Peer pressure/acceptance
4.) omgwtfbbq

She lives with her mom in Texas and I see her at spring break, christmas and summer. During spring break, she had a few slits on one wrist. Her mom knows about it but hasn’t gotten serious about counseling or anything.

Is cutting something that is in vogue? My daughter claims she is the only one in her school doing it and she isn’t looking for attention.

Fuck man, she is my baby, it kills me to see her deface herself like this.

She needs to talk to someone about that. Counseling or peers, whatever it is she needs some form of help. This is not normal behavior.
Dunno what to tell you man, I think slitting your wrists is very serious, and should be handled properly. I don’t see how one justifies doing it without there being something seriously wrong. I don’t think the fact that she is young is a good enough reason to accept her doing something like this. (peer pressure, attn, etc)
If I were you, I’d be doing something to figure out why she’s doing it, and stop it. It is NOT normal.

She doesn’t claim to be suicidal, just emo. Somehow she thinks cutting is a type of release.

I hope a parent of an emo kid shows up here.

So…..she will be here on May 31st (and staying for almost 2 months). I should set up a weekly meeting with a psychologist for while she is here?

She talks about it like it is just no big deal at all. It is so fucking weird. I would love to know who put these fucked up ideas in her head.
Self cutting is actually fairly common, my girlfriend used to do it. She cant really explain why, she wasnt trying to kill herself or looking for attention or anything. Like you said, some kind of release.

This idea was put in these people’s head though. Because when I was a kid, no one did this shit. They found other ways to release their pent up emotions.
look up "self-injury" on wikipedia. this behavior is not the problem itself but a symptom of emotional problems/distress. it should be taken seriously. according to my understanding, this is less about suicide and more about releasing tension and frustration.

i don’t think you can really support the claim that no one did that when you were young…

Let me rephrase. "Cutting" seemed expotentially less prevalent amongst the teenagers 20 years ago in my estimation.

will do.
I always wonder why one would slit their wrists to release the tension when they can just get off and not have any permanent damage. Doesn’t it suit the same goal?

When you say "get off" you mean masturbate or have sex?

I don’t know about that. I just don’t think it was known about or accepted. I have spoken to quite a few counselors about this (good friend and nephew were both doing this) and one of the major reason given for this was that the ‘child’ felt helpless. Voiceless. Not in control and unable to deal with or express that.

I would recommend counseling. I know a lot of people think of that as a bad word, or admitting a weakness or whatever… but it will truly help this girl deal with whatever it is that she is going through.

Masturbation would be the most likely substitute. I mean, what’s the point of cutting yourself for some "release" of tension when you can fill your brain with endorphins repeatedly without any scars?

I don’t think they are looking for endorphins.

cutting is bad enough, but she is playing with fire on the wrists.

Thighs or something if she has to cut. I know that’s not a real solution, but it could easily save her life.

Check this site out and follow some/all of the suggestions/advice given:

This "cutting" seems to be the physical embodiment of a child that is discontent with the world around them/their place in it and is often attributable to a broken home/disrupted family life.

She’s your child, talk to her and encourage her to talk to you. Just be ready for anything that she might have to say, and I do mean anything, and don’t discriminate or express distaste with whatever she has to say…, remember, she’s internalizing her inability to find anyone in her world to discuss her problems with, the conflicts and contradictions she sees in the world unfolding around her, and allow her to vent without passing judgement on anything that she’ll have to say.

She wants/needs to be listened to and to know that what she has to say counts for something. Essentially, just be her Dad.
If it’s a way to release tension… maybe she could find other ways to release tension.

Playing sports?
Taking Karate/boxing/whatever classes?
Something exhausting is always the best imo.
It releases the built up tension from not dealing with her emotions. There is something that is causing her so much pain, that she doesn’t know how to deal with it. Another cause may be that she just feels numb, and does it just to feel anything; even though it’s pain. Cutting is a very serious problem and requires counseling. She needs to talk about whatever her pain is and feel the emotions, only then will she be able to find a better way to release her tension.

IMO it’s not weird for her to talk about it like it’s no big deal, she’s crying out for help. You can minimize this and think it’s strange but you’re likely to wake up to a dead child. Minimize this at your own risk.

If I were in your shoes, I would have a long talk with her mother and get my daughter into long term counseling and perhaps in house therapy.

Cutting oneself isn’t normal, it’s a sign that things are really wrong but the person doesn’t know how to deal. Get them help dealing.

Good luck and God Bless.

You know one person that did this so obviously it’s fairly common?

Get a grip….it’s not healthy nor is it all that common. It is however, a sign that things are really wrong.
In the past month of college I’ve met 2 girl who told me that they cut themselves. Both of them gave me an almost identical reason in that when they cut they feel like their problems are being relieved. In my opinion one of them has serious mental issues and there’s nothing I can do to help her. But the other girl is much more reasonable and hopefully I’ll be able to talk to her and find out another way she can go about relieving stress. They both make sure to put the cuts in places that people won’t see. Both admit that they started cutting on their arms until their parents found out then they started putting the cuts in places not visible with clothes on. So I suggest that you don’t hound your daughter about cutting herself or she’ll probably just put them in places you can’t see and just tell you she stopped.

I lol-ed.
The fact that her mom isn’t doing anything about it will possibly make things worse.

In my experience people cut when they are trying to feel something, anything. Something is going on.. Since she isn’t trying to hide it 100% then she is consciously or not asking for help. She needs to talk to someone.
Want me to show her how to rip her toenails out instead? It’s less visible and more satisfying.

I knew a kid that did that when I lived in Canada.. He did it to his fingernails too and would then color the skin black.

It always creeped me out but I felt bad for the guy too. That shit looked like it HURT.

13

I wish she would too. When she is at my house it is non stop sports, but that culture doesn’t exist at her mom’s house in Texas, where she is most of the time.

She says her life there is hell and all she wants is to come to my house. She has never cut herself while at my house.
like others have said, get her some help. if she is openly telling you and her mother about this, its a cry for help. she may not be trying to kill herself, but the location of the cutting might lead to that very thing accidently.

hopefully if she is willing to tell you that she is doing this, she will be willing to go speak with someone about issues that might be causing it.

and give her love and support (which you probably do anyway). it worries me that her mom doesnt seem very concerned. it very well could be for attention if the mom barely notices

The mom took her to a counselor like once or twice. She is a single mom who has alienated her relatives and has 3 kids. So it is likely logistically difficult for her to get my daughter to counseling.

I think based on what you guys have said here, I will arrange for her to see a counselor while she is here for the summer. It is the best I can do I think.

i think it is somewhat normal behavior but is not healthy behavior
People cut because physical pain > emotional pain. Its a form of stress release for those daily life problems that won’t go away, or in other words your daughter is depressed about her daily life problems,

Its a situation like this , if someone called you an asshole, you’d brush it away as the person isn’t worth your time listening to, that’s the normal way people would deal with it.

If someone would call your daughter a bitch on the other hand, she’d get angered and frustrated, and because she can’t place or redirect the negativity in a good way , she’d get emotionally stressed, and to down that emotional stress, she would start cutting herself in an attempt to release some emotional steam.

Its worthless of course , its like people drinking booze wanting to make their problem go away but it doesn’t work, because cutting,drinking,anti-depressants etc etc are problem supressors and NOT problem solvers.

She needs to work on the root of the problem, and definitly needs to see a psychologist, and you also need to convince her to coooperate with the psychologist in order to tackle her mental problems.

Input = output

If the surroundings are fucked up, then she gets fucked up. Your little girl is like a sponge absorbing all the negativity in her life without knowing how to deal with it, she’d better learn fast on how to defend herself, and how to release her emotions instead of making it a murder hole and start cutting.

Speed is of the essense , the faster you work on it, the more likely she’ll recover. Removing the depressing factors, and stabilizing her enviroment as wel as strenghtening her self image, are important.

I say it always like this. Imagine if you are stuck in a room, what helps better, crying and cutting or a key to get out? Make sure your daughter gets help, and works on finding the key to unlock the door of her problems, tackle the root not the symptoms.

a model citizen as always you toenail ripping tent dweller
Dude, you are not equipped to deal with this. Get her to counseling.
I’d love to give advice, but just reading the thread alone makes the hair on my body stand.

Good luck, man.
I know this is a serious thread, and I agree that you should definitely take this seriously and seek professional help for her and talk to her yourself first but ummm LMFAO @ this….

I believe that seeking professional help for your child is necessary. Self-mutilation can be steamed from numerous things, including depression, anger, self-loathing, family problems, etc.

I’ll reply with more of something that might be able to help you through PM.

I came to post just this.

There are several reasons why people self injure. Some people do it because they claim they feel emotionally numb or dead inside. When they physically hurt themselves, they feel physical pain. While its not the same as emotional pain, it is still a feeling. People who engage in self injury for this reason claim to feel alive while they hurting themselves. To them, any sensation is better than no sensation at all.

Some people use self injury as a form of self punishment. They feel worthless or useless and as punishment for who they are, the self injure. Statistically, people who self injure as form of punishment also have other addictions like sexual, drug or eating disorders.

Some people use it as a way to manifest their emotional pain into physical pain. People who engage in self injury for this reason are not able to express or manage the emotional pain they feel. For someone who has maladaptive coping skills, emotional pain becomes extremely distressing. Knowing that emotional pain tends to last longer and hurt more than physical pain, they change their pain from something they don’t understand to something they can effectively manage. For them, a broken arm is better than a broken heart.

Get your daughter in therapy. Find a doctor (PhD or PsyD, it doesn’t matter which) who is skilled in working with both young girls and self injury. Their experience is key. Ideally, they should use a humanistic approach (commonly known as client-centered therapy) and if they claim to have an eclectic approach, be skeptical and check their credentials. Meet with the doctor first. Interview the doctor way you interviewed her pediatrician when she was an infant.

Hug your daughter. Talk to her. Don’t be angry or upset when she reveals some shocking and painful information, because she most likely will. Communicate communicate communicate. Don’t be afraid to ask your daughter questions. Too many times parents side step serious issues like this because they are afraid that talking about it will only propel the child further. That’s not true. She wants to be heard and understood so give her your time and attention. Talk to her and show her how to effectively manage her emotions. Other people have suggested physical activity and that’s a super great idea.

Its so unfortunate that her mother is acting so blase, regardless of how she really feels. Way to step up for your daughter. You’re a good dad Good luck and Godspeed to you both My thoughts and prayers are with you both

If this is true then you might want to talk to an attorney about getting primary custody of your daughter. There might be many things she’s not telling you about what goes on when she’s living with her mom.

Regardless, my heart goes out to you and your daughter. I’ll keep you both in my prayers and I hope you find her the help she needs. Please don’t minimize her actions because she talks about them in casual ways. It’s good that she feels comfortable enough with you to tell you those things but her actions are an indication that things are not going well in her life….in fact, it’s an indication that things are very wrong.

Good luck and God Bless.
^^ Listen to this one. He’s right and he gives good advice.

About 10% of the population from what I can find. It is a sign that something is wrong, she doesn’t see it that way because it relieves whatever stress or lack of emotion she is dealing with.

Sports or some other form of ‘release’ may not satisfy whatever she is looking for. I would be wary to assume that she never cut herself while at your place. I am sure you are a great father and that somehow if she did cut herself at your place, it would be your fault. You cannot think that way, that will make it worse, make her go into hiding with it so that you don’t feel responsible for her actions.

10% is no where near "fairly common". That’s actually quite rare.
This is a post I made a few years ago. I repost it every now and then when the topic arises. I think you’ll find my words useful.

Yeah I’m interested too

wow. im 20 and ive never had the balls to actually slit them. pretty pathetic considering how miserable and fucked up i am

Nope it just shows that your body is functioning fine, i personally extremely dislike pain most likely just like others, i wouldn’t add additional pain to my already painfull life by doing stuff like that, as i don’t like to get hurt.
She is NOT going to look at you and say, ‘This is a suicide attempt.’.
Then again, if she does ever say that you need to take it seriously.

She needs help. Good talk therapy. Get her Mother on the horn and find out why Mom isn’t taking it seriously.
Ummm, I know how she feels…when I was in highschool(it’s not easy at all for girls developing and we get NO breaks from peer pressure, friends, life, etc, etc..) I also cut myself. It does help in a weird way…I am NOT saying that it is alright nor should she be left alone about it BUT I know how the kid feels, it releases an emotional pain you can’t deal with…and it’s usually b/c they are depressed (i was for years). You get this build up of multiple emotions(usually anger, sadness, insecurities) and the only way to sort them in that state of mind is to physically hurt yourself…it gives a temporary sense of relief, TEMPORARY that being it usually gets to that spot again where you have to do it again…and again and even years down the road

INTERVENE!!! I finally had to breakdown and go on depression medicine and get help from an outside source to help me deal.

For your kids sake (she may be upset with you for getting involved) but in the long run it’s for the best and for her health, happiness and safety!

That’s why she does it. The feelings are unbearable, she can’t express them or tolerate them, cutting is a way of coping as it releases the feelings.

It is an expression of feelings that can’t be verbalised, a physical distraction from the physical sensations of anxiety which are frightening and unpleasant. There is also a release of hormones that helps calm the distress.

She needs help to learn to verbalise her feelings and find healthier ways of coping with distress. Do not give her web links, self harming is common and contact with others via online forums can make things worse due to peer pressure. Do not stop her cutting, it is the only way she has of coping, but get her help to minimise harm until she can stop.

Most kids out grow this habit, meanwhile, other than therapy, lots of cuddles and understanding will go a long way.
My ex had had wrist marks… Turns out she cut herself when she was younger, kinda like a release, she said it started with her parents divorce… She didn’t do it anymore when i was datin her

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so i met my wife in november of 2004. i had just broken up with the last in a string of asian chicks (all filipinos, actually). i had seen [ill just say wife] around my apartments from time to time, mostly in the parking lot going to or from her apartment (which i didnt know which one it was, it was out of my view). eventually, i ran into her at the mailboxes. i thought he had a man (as i had seen her driving more than one vehicle, and was sure i had seen her coming or going with someone), but i didnt care that day. as i said, i was just off an asian, and felt like hitting on someone. she was happy to flirt back, and we parted from the mailboxes.

some time passed, and i think it was about january when i finally saw her again. this time, we met at the laundry. i forgot something i needed, and asked if she wouldnt mind watching my stuff for me while i ran back to my apartment. she readily agreed, and when i came back, we had quite a long bit of conversation.

a bit more time passed, and soon i saw her outside cleaning out her car. hmm…. there are 2 kids with her… not good…. but since i already had some raport built up with her, i went over anyway (maybe i was obliged, since i was back from cleaning my own truck anyway). turned out, the older kid was her little brother, but the 16 month old was her son. cute kid too. ok, not bad, i thought. so i asked got her number, and soon we made plans. this would have been february, and we went out to dinner saturday, the saturday after valentines day.

by march, we were a couple. turns out, she admits that the mailbox, agreeing to watch my stuff in the laundry, and cleaning her car were all contrived by her for opportunities to talk to me. apparently, i was "the cute guy with the awesome red truck" in the apartments, and she cant believe shes here, with me. thumbs up, so far.

so, some funny things that a white man learns about hispanic women. 1) apparently, many of them prefer to sleep in same bed as their children.

so time passes, and im thinking about asking her to to get married. shes smarter than any of the other women ive dated. she was done with her crazy partying all the time, and she was much more mature (thru the terrible loss of her first son, killed by another man she was with at the time, this was many years before she and i met) to the ways of the world. she just didnt seem naive.

so i was ready to buy a ring, but my yearly camping trip vacation was here. i was on my way out of town, and she called me crying. she had just wrecked her car. i was about 40 miles away, sitting in outbound dallas traffic, but i turned around immediately, and came to her aid. her car was mangled on the front, but were able to drive it home.

i was already in love with her by this point. instead of vacation that day, after i got her home to my apartment, i left for a while, and went and found a diamond ring, and spend my vacation money on that. i bought it back home and proposed to her, and she accepted on the spot.

as i recall these details from a few years ago, i cannot remember if i already knew this other VERY important detail, but when she told me, it didnt matter, i was already 100% committed to her and her son. but as i said, i dont remember if i already knew, or if she told me this day, or soon after, that she was an illegal immigrant. she was brought here when she was 5, and has lived here, gone to school here, had children, and fallen in love here. 18 years, here illegally. as i said, this wasnt an issue for me. i did realize what a challence it would be to overcome this, but i was committed.

so, late 2005, we got married. we honeymooned in san antonio in a posh honeymoon suite over looking the riverwalk. we got back to dallas, life was grand. we had upgraded to a larger apartment, which we painted together right before we moved in. her son now had his own room, because i kind of imposed a ‘white-people-tradition’ on her.. that kids dont sleep in momm and daddys bed. it didnt seem to be a problem.

a few months into it, we finally reach our first test. we were piss poor, but her mom was having some sickness that wasnt going away in a normal amount of time. her deadbeat husband apparently wasnt giving her money to go to a doctor. we had a few hundred bucks put back, and i loved her mother dearly, and would not have denied her our gift. but i was silently outraged that her moms husband was refusing to take care of his responsibility. why were we to be forced to do his duty? this was causing a rift between my wife and i, because i was questioning her mom’s husbands duty, and that taking care of this in his place was going to put an undue financial burden on us, when this clearly should be resting on another responsible party. in the end, her moms husband stepped up and did the right thing. my wife and i got thru it, and i think (i hope) she learned that my first loyalty is to her and her son and our security, and then to anyone else who needs our assistance. and the whole thing was not that i wasnt willing to take care of her mom, but that this burden really should have fallen to someone else. anyway, we got thru that.

more time passes, im making more money, and i upgrade us again from our 800 square foot apartment, to one that is 1400, and in a really nice part of town. we originally both lived in the a ghetto part of town, mostly hispanics, some blacks, but a fiarly low income area. by the time we moved, i was carrying my pistol around with me when i walked around at night, and thats not right i decided. so i moved us to a totally pimp apartment on the other side of town. life was good.

so, im a full time systems administrator. i have a lot of computers, and this was nothing new to my wife, since the first day she visited me. i do spent a good bit of time at the computer when im home. rarely playing games, but 95% of the time im working on skills that i can turn around and market back to my clients. not long after we moved to our new huge apartment, i was promoted at work. the funds that were being used to pay for our apartment, were now covered by my higher income, and more budget opened up. about a year after that, i also opened up my own consulting business, and started taking jobs on weekends, and weeknights. our income sored from about 65K, to 100K. almost all our debts were paid, and we dreamed of owning our own house.

between all that, were vacations, trips to my parents house for holidays, huge hispanic birthday parties (both at hour house, and attending at her million family members). life was just generally good.

but about 18 months ago, we finally hit a snag. she was tired of the time i spent on the computer. she was probably right, im sure it was getting to be 3-4 hours a week night. but my consulting business was really taking off, and i was working my ass off to pay for this lavish lifestyle that. anyway, she was apparently ready to leave me, but at the last moment she changed her mind. she didnt tell me exactly what was wrong, but that it had something to do with how much time i spent on the computer. oh well, general-explanation was all i got. i curtailed my computer time right there, cold turkey.

over the next few months, when i would head to the computer room, she would say "… there he goes… to that computer again!" to which i would show visible intent to not go there if she really needed or wanted me to do something else, but it was always "nah, im just joking baby, you can do some computer a while, ill call for you when my spanish soaps finish". hindsight 20-20, this was probably a hint… but i dont deal in hints. i say what i mean and i mean what i say, and i suppose i expected my wife to do the same.

so more time passes. weve been talking about having a baby during 2007, and in october, we were visiting my parents house in houston. we sat in my old bedroom, and had a very intimate talk about our year, getting over that problem we had, and how that if we always communicate and work together, there will be no problem we cant ever get thru. we were both on the same page, and decided that january of 2008 we would start trying to have a baby. we were both sure we were as solid as can be.

so by now, we pretty much have our routines.

monday-friday, leave at 715am, drop son at school, i drop her at her job, and i work until 415. at whch time i drive to pick her up, and then to school to pick up son. get home about 515. cartoons for son while either make love or prepare dinner. after dinner (heh, sometimes frozen or ordering pizza!), bathtime for son. after bath, she would sit down to spanish tv. i dont speak a lick of spanish, so that was my time to head to the computer room. there he goes on that computer again.

weekends, we would usually get up early on saturday, and by about 9am i would drive her and son over to her moms, to spend the day doing whatever it is they do. they would sometimes go shop, sometimes go visit other realatives, etc etc. she rarely asked me to come along, so i would usually go back home and nap in the silence, or tinker on the computer or my classic pickup truck.

sundays, we would usually go to church, and get home and relax. last few months we would work intrips to chuckecheeses or trips to the park, or other things we could do as a family. she of course has her hobbies too, scrapbooking and other artsy things like that.

but in january of 2008, she starts going on these emotional up and downs. shes ready to leave, shes totally in love. shes ready to leave, shes totally in love. she’s also been text messaging alot lately with an old highschool friend, who he liked her when they were young, but nothing ever happened becuase they always had others. they were just friends now, and i never had a reason before to not trust my wife. mistake? *shrug*

so first quarter of 08 my wife just starts all this strange behavior. she wants me to change to one of these real cheap cell services here in town. she wants to go to the old clubs she used to go to , with her girl friends. she feels trapped and restrained becuase she doesnt have her own car to drive anymore.

oh yeah… a quick story about the car. she was ticketed for no drivers license, no insurance. $465. her car was wrecked, we sold the hulk for $1000, but we still owed like $3600 on it. Texas surcharched her 2 tickets 3 more times, so by the time that was all done, we were out $4400 bucks, and her car was a write off. more on this later.

so finally, end of march, she comes back, and shes sure that shes in love, and being with me is the best place for her to be, and that im the only man who has never beaten her, never mistreated her, and has taken real and honest care of her. she said ‘im ready to have a baby with you’

but i hit the brakes right there. im too level headed to bring a child into this world with the uncertainty our relationship has displayed recently. i told her, that now im the one who needs time. i need to observe her and see at least a month (really more, but i said month to make it easier) go by of no more of these up and downs. and no, it wasnt her period doing it, as it happened like 4 times in 2 months. it was a real emotional rollercoaster for me, and it was so draining. my coworkers could see my exhaustion.

so speaking of odd behaviors of my wife, she had started getting on the internet more and more. i had been telling her, "that you have to watch out with people on the net. they are usually misrepresented, and are usually there in a predatory mode. just as long as you understand that you cant trust people, and as long as you dont do something to dishonor me or our marriage, i have no problem with you enjoying and using the internet". or something along those lines, like im not going to watch over you every little thing you do. i trusted her, out of love.

getting thru march, its time to renew our lease on our apartment. we agreed, that we would do one more lease, and use the time to save up downpayment on a house. that summer of 2009, we would finally have our dream, and hopefully a child would be arriving soon after that. so the 31st of march, i signed us a new 14 month lease, in our $1250 a month apartment. 31st of march… remember that for in a bit.

april rolls around, shes been getting more and more distant. ive really been making effort to take her out on dates, shopping trips, etc etc. financial times have finally gotten better again. we took on some debt in the middle of last year, now was the time that entertainment budget was opening up again. probably from march to the end of april, i spent $2500 on going out, gifts, family outings, (and stuff for son too). basically, the things i had promised, were coming to fruition.

but things were still not going well. for the month of april, the possilbility of seperation keeps coming up in conversation. if it happened, would we do it as friends and not enemies? i was not keen on the idea at all, and usually i would counter with if you could even ask if were going to be friends or enemies, surely you must be thinking about it already. she never said one way or the other. i continued my devotion to her, however skeptical these bits of conversation were making me. we were making more and more time alone (with son at baby sitter) so we could work on being in love again, and the first friday of may, we had a really really really good date. best, most romantic weve had together in months. but even while we were out, she was still worried that if something happened, that i would hate her. i kept telling her that thinking like that is defeatist, and that we should be working on the here and now.

that friday night we got home to our apartment really late, and we fell into bed together, naked, in each others arms. both exhausted, we went right to sleep. we woke up in the moring, and went straight to pick up son. i confided in her that i wished we had made love the night before, that i really needed her touch badly at that time. our sex life has never been unpleasureable, but lately, ive really felt a lack of affection from her. the glass had been pretty empty lately, and that night, the time would have been right for romantic love. either way, im not a sexaholic, and i felt that just going to sleep was appropriate that night.

saturday the 3rd, we went and spent time with her brother. played basketball at the park, played on the playground with son, yet again, another really good family day. but by the time we got back home again, wife is back in her disparing mood again.

here is another thing. son has been going thru a real disobedient phase lately, both at home and school. hes been a real terror on his teachers. at wifes request, she wants no more spankings (which he really only got for especially horriffic behavior), and wants to change to another method of discipline. i also make some changes in how in interact with son, since i tend to be aggressive when he gets in his "ignore momy and daddy" attitude. i layed off that totally. other things too, i cringe at the way son just eats or spills everything he eats… over the carpet instead of the table. but again, at wifes request, i stopped saying anything about it since she said it was really causing a problem with her. again, this is information im getting, and immediately reacting to in a manner that she says will please her. anyway, sons behavior has been atrocious, but even showing his face to her, she would drop whatever she was doing, and shower him with hugs and kisses. i had been noticing this, and was noting to myself that its been forever since i got anything like that from her.

sunday, i drop her off to visit familiy. typical sunday. im home, doing whatever. that night, she actually calls me to come with the family, they were having a cookout. now that was really REALLY odd, based on how shes been acting towards me lately. she actually WANTS ME???? at first i was happy, but when i arrived, i knew why she called. her mom was there. obviously, she had not talked to her mom one bit about whats going on. at the party, there was a shortage of chairs, and when we shared one, she still sat right ont he edge, 4 inches between us. i actually had to tell her that regardless of whats going on between us, maybe we should act a little but like the couple they expected us to be. that was pretty painful to have to promt her on how to act. at this point, i now know what is up.

that night, she offers herself to me, but i declined. i said that there is too much distance between us right now, and that im unable to make love to her, that i know shes not into it right now. she replied that its a wifes duty to make her body available to her husband. i told her i didnt need her body, i needed her heart. i think that night i went to sleep on the couch, but after a few hours of not being able to sleep, i slipped back into bed (but staying over on my side). this was the first night that we didnt sleep body to body. we ALWAYS slept body to body, and it was fairly painful that we were obviously already seperated.

that morning, not much was said, in the house, or on the way to work. dropped off son, and when we got to her work, i let it out.

"take the car seat, as i wont be home tonight. the apartment is yours until you decide whats going on". i was sheading tears as i said these words, but i felt there was nothing else i could do. ive been to marriage counseling, ive read books on relationships, ive consulted my pastor at church. she came to one counseling session, and read the first 38 pages of one book. nothing else. i was just emotionally exhausted and couldnt take it anymore.

she looked a little in shock that i was doing this, but didnt complain. that afternoon, i went home with a coworker and stayed at his place that night. that was all monday the 5th of may. the next day, i sent her a text message, that i was going by the apartment to pick up shampoo and a few other things i forgot, at lunch time. while i was there, i did something i have never EVER done, the entire time we’ve been married. at a loss of understanding of exactly whats going on here… i searched her computer.

im a professional systems consultant, so it wasnt hard to undelete this and that and bring back the evidence of what she had been doing. since mid march…shes been emailing guys on these social networking sites, with little notes that are less than proper for a married woman. there were 4 or 5 of those little flirty remarks, but then on the tuesday morning… the 2nd day i was gone… she got up early and took some underwear pics and emailed to someone. "these were taken just for you".

i was fucking crushed.

she had allowed me to take pics of her many times, she was so beautiful. i never shared them with anyone, to me, this was just an extension of the intimacy between us. the fact, that she had shared something that was supposed to belong exclusively to me, was a horrific thought to me.

i called the office, and had the locks changed. i had the garage codes changed. i printed out all these emails and such, and waited for the end of the day. i didnt feel quite so bad about changing the locks, becuase after i messaged that i was going home, she said ‘thats fine, im staying at my moms tonight anyway’. so i met her at her office, and asked to speak to her. she looked nervous, and asked do we really have to do this at my work? everyone was already gone anyway, so i said "that inside my truck, no one will have to hear what were talking about".

she gets in, and i ask, "so, red bra and panties today?" she instantly looked like a deer in headlights.

"and who, is [someone]@yahoo.com?" she was caught. she went into defensive mode, and was fairly argumentative to the fact that i told her i was going back to the apartment to stay, and that she would need to call me ahead of time if she were going to be there.

wednesday, i stayed home from work, pretty much unable to function. i shed many tears that day, just still in shock that my wife would look for fullfillment from other men. even if there was no physical affair, there is still an emotional affair happening.

thursday, i filed for divorce. even on the 29th of march… she knew she was already done with this marriage in the middle of march (that was when the emails started), but still she kept her mouth shut and didnt say anything about me signing a 14 month lease on our apartment. on the 2nd… the day of our wonderful date, she sent an email to someone stating that "her former still doesnt want to believe that its over". so painful. "her former".

so a few days later, she comes by to pick up some stuff. she was very very nervous for me to be there, and pretty much just packed while i watched. i wasnt mean to her or anything, and was trying to just get her to finally talk. she did. she finally lets out whats wrong:

im not fun enough.
im always too serious.
im not paying enough attention to her and son.
shes not free to do what she wants, since she doesnt have a car.

these are the things she would not tell me 18 months ago, but she did give me another chance. now, shes telling me how to make her happy… but shes not willing to try to work it out anymore. what a fucking rip!

i told her that having fun is half her job too. shes allowed to make recommendations on where to go tonight, what to go out and do. but never one word out of her ever.

i told her im sorry, but im a man with responsibility. i have a wife who is an illegal immigrant, and every day i have to live with the fear that she will be picked up and deported. i have a small business to run, as well as a managerial postition at my 9-5 job. we have bills out our ass that have to always be paid on time, and budgets have to be maintained in order to continue to not be called by collectors (i was last called by a collectors over a year before she and i met… due to me being SERIOUS… *shrug*). i am unable to ever be irresponsible.

not paying attention. shes got me there. even tho i dont speak a lick of spanish, i would try to get out of the computer room and try to watch, but sometimes i would just stay in the room until she was done. i know i could have played with son some more, but i was working on that with the other parenting changes i had recently made. those changes were solid for a week now, and while i didnt expect them to make up for how ever many months of unhappiness for her, i did hope they would hold some weight with her. but,they didnt matter as far as she was concerend.

finally, her car. yep, its law in texas that you have drivers license and insurance if you want to drive. she has had the drivers license book forever, and even went as far as getting a permit in late 2005, but it never went any further than that. maybe i should have pushed her harder i dont know, but i also let her be free to be her own person. at any rate, i had made a promise to buy her a vehicle, and that time was coming soon. if she had her license, it would be hers… if she didnt… well then i would have 2. and then we would have a vehicle suitable for our new larger family. but she said that without a car, shes not free to just show up at my office and bring me lunch, or just go out and surprise me with this or that.

also, slightly unrelated, i also never called her during the day at her work. im not a mexican man, and i dont need to call to check up on her every 30 minutes. i wanted her to feel trusted, and wanted her to know that i didnt feel the need to keep her chained down or anything like that. apparently, this other guy friend from highschool… has been doing just that, and he has been "paying attention to her", instead of me. well for fucks sake, i can either trust her unquestionably… or lose her to another man who calls her all the time.

so shes back in some run down apartment, same block as we used to live on actually. i went to her a few days after she got in…. shes got that cheap cell service she begged me for months ago (the same one her friend is on.. now texting is free *rolls eyes*). i told her that id like her to come back, and lets work on this properly. that i can make all this disappear, her new apartment lease, her cellphone contract, everything thats a financial block, and come back home and lets work this out. she wouldnt budge, and asked me to respect her decision for the path shes on.

crushed again, i did. i only brought it up one last time, as she moved out her final boxes, and i said how much i regret filing for divorce. did we really mean for all this to get this out of hand? she said "i dont think so". but she still signed the final decree of divorce, and left. (we did have some time of forgiveness the previous time she was there to pick up boxes, for the things that had gone wrong in our relationship…)

so a few weeks have now passed. i went to the apartment manager, and told her whats going on, and at first, she wouldnt budge on the contract. $6000 to buy out, withouht hurting my credit. damn these texas housing contracts. however, a few days later, she comes back, and says that even tho shes not authorized by her boss, shes going to change my least to end on july 31, not sept 09. thank god!!! she didnt even change my rent rate to month-to-month. holy cow, thats a blessing from god, right there if i dont know one! ive since been working with a realtor, and im about to make an offer on a house (bad timing for the wife to leave, i guess).

so now, wife is acting all wierd again. shes being nice and polite. i asked her recently how her apartment is, and she replied "well its not the palace i was living in, but it was all i could afford". she swears shes not seeing anyone, especially that guy-friend from highschool. im not sure i believe her. i dont know why a woman would leave a non-abusive household, earning what we earned together, to trade it for a shit-box lifestyle without having another man to go to. doesnt make sense to me.

unfortunatly, things keep popping out of cabinets that belong to her. i had a hard enough time convincing her that shes entitled to a fair share of our belongings. she was ready to just forfit everything to me (well, the stuff that was hers before we got married she was taking, but i wanted her to at least have half of the stuff we accumulated together). i added up the total of our 3 bank accounts, and drew out an amount of half the cash (which was about 800 bucks… not much to go on for long). i took her a box of stuff last saturday, and just the 2 minutes i was there, put me in a depressive mood. ive been dreaming of her a lot lately too… and these dreams are all good outcomes for our marriage… and to me, all impossible and fictitious. its really painful.

she has also started signing her text messages to me… with the endearing nickname i used to call her. shes either trying to make sure she doesnt get cleaned out of my heart, to make sure her spot stays available… or shes torturing me.

i dont know how ill ever be out there in the dating world again after this. heh, debating now if i should actually even post this. *shrug*
a little bit about me "holding her down" and making live and honor the laws:

before we got married, she never filed a tax return… typical of illegal immigrants. after we got married, i made her start filing.

before we got married, she used her bogus social for this and that, apartment applications, her job, whatever. after we got married, its ITIN on the tax return, and that bogus social is used for nothing else (for the duration of the time it would take to get her immigration status resolved).

but the big one, was my absolute refusal to let her drive without drivers license and insurance. before we married, she just drove her car whereever, without any consideration for what the law says. most all of these examples, i think im finding, that this is just theway the illegal people think.

living lawfully is something thats important to me, and me forcing her to live the way a US citizen does… apparently was a real problem for her.

at least, thats what she says at least. she states that she has no faith that she will ever be a citizen (likely referring to congress lack of activity on the immigration reform).
I thought once you got married that she wouldn’t have been an illegal alien anymore? Once you marry a US citizen you too become a US citizen… or is that not the case anymore?
What you have been going thru isn’t uncommon. Im not blaming you, i just want you to know that for a woman ‘ being together ‘ means everything. And it has got nothing to do with logic, but you ‘spending time behind the computer’ was what made her cheat on you.

Your logic reaction would be. ffs i was doing that for us, for our lives.

You need to understand that her reaction was emotionally illogical to you, but for her, the moments you spend time behind the computer ‘should have been devoted to the time you should have spend on her’.

What you need to understand about woman , they need emotional stabilization and in order to reach this they need to be tuned into an emotionally satisfying setting. So its not about how rich you are, or in what palace you live or how many cars you have that’s important. Your complaints aside because we’ll talk later on that.

Because (and i know it sound fucked up beyond belief) you violated and placed the computer on top of your priority list as opposed in her view as putting her in nr.1 place. Was enough reason for her to emotionally break up with you , see it something as ‘ oh if you can do as you please and spend time on your computer then im allowed to talk to other guys ‘.

You know our family house has been thru something simular in some lines as this. My dad would go upstairs and sit behind the computer, and my mom would be left alone in the room. She felt lonely, but as opposed to your wife, my mom did something different. She dragged my father out of his room and demanded to spend quality time together, no more computer after 9 o clock.

Red im going to tell it to you honestly, this is something you cannot possibly anticipate if you haven’t been thru something like this before. This is a matter of having complete insight , if you knew

im not fun enough.
im always too serious.
im not paying enough attention to her and son.
shes not free to do what she wants, since she doesnt have a car.

In advance, then you might could have saved the relationship a few months ago. You are NOT to be blamed for this lack of insight, she is the one who should have related those feelings towards you, so both of you could have worked on it.

In other words, SHE HAS A PROBLEM, not you. And this is were the frustration begins because anyone who is not you cannot be controlled by you. And that presses on the problem in the relationship of not communicating. And with communicating i don’t mean talking, you two obviously did that , but about conveying her honest feelings towards you.

In terms of effort you did much much more then there was every to be expected in terms of effort,time and sacrifice so for Gods sake don’t start blaming yourself.

Now on how to proceed: You did the right thing by divorcing her, you did not act too quickly about it.

Your complaints were valid, in your situation in order to get stability in your life, you did all the right materialistical and logical moves on how you put things into place into your life. You’ll get a A+++ on that.

But here comes the real problem that men often have, naive and narrow minded. Naive because we think we are in control of the entire situation, while in reality we have no fucking clue on what the girl is thinking or what is happening. Seeing how you gave your wife access to the internet shows how you also fall into that catagory, you know we sometimes look at how backward and primitive Islamic cultures are for not allowing woman to even go outside , the men do that for exactly this kind of reason, namely to prevent that the woman will take off with another guy, and that’s why they forced the woman to wear headscarves just so that other men don’t give those woman attention. Now you dont have to go live in a cave just yet, but you have to understand the concept of self protection. A dog without a leash runs everywhere where it wants, including into the places where it isn’t allowed to be.And Narrow minded in the sense that men don’t pick up subtle hints woman drop, you are also straight forward and being that is just perfectly fine on many area’s , but not when it comes to a womans emotional feelings.

I also changed my thinking. I needed to stop thinking. What you see is what is happening: to ‘ there’s a lot of stuff going on behind my back, that i don’t know off’, that you need to beware off. Its not good if we go into paranoia mode, but we need to be extremely good at information gathering, we need to know as exactly as possible what is going on in the situation before things escalate, in order to prevent really bad stuff from happening.

I can only feel for you because this is more of a future warning then something that helps your current situation. For your current situation i want to say this. At this moment you just want your wife back, emotionally you are extremely strongly bonded to eachothers heart.

My advice tho is to proceed onwards to a life without her, although incomprehensable now, in the long run you two can never trust eachother anymore. I think it also was displayed into the kids behaviour, on not ‘knowing’ who daddy really was, plus having the fucked up genes from his demonical father he has a good likelyhood of probably going to end up being just like his real father.

In reality you are better off without this shit happening to you. What you need now is a cool of period ,were you keep working on improving your own life, and breaking off all contact with your wife.

I definitly suggest you go into theraphy and continue to vent your stories and frustrations in here, its good to let steam out every now and then so to speak.

In the long run if you are ready again and searchin willingly, there will be another woman in your life who is ready for you and worth all the time and effort you put into your future.

Much love and support from the Asylum crew, keep hanging in there, even tho its hard, we are here for you.
It’ll go easier on you if you pack up the things you still have that remind you of her. You don’t have to get rid of them if you don’t want to, but getting them out of your sight will help. Also, rearrange your furniture.
yeah im trying to completely cut off contact, but that wont be possible, at least in some minimal forum, until next tax season is over.

i always justified in my head, that im doing computer stuff while shes watching spanish tv (that i dont understand anyway). she surely didnt see it that way.

right now, i have all her pictures turned around backwards so i dont have to see them day to day. there is actually still a picsframe on out bedroom wall, but its behind a door, and i cant see it.

i did continue to see our marriage therepist after the seperatation, but when i told her that "im ok, im making it, im back at work", she told me im wrong for feeling ok, that im holding in my anger. our session ended early, and she didnt reschedule me. i guess imthe devil or something. *shrug* whatever.

i wish i could rearrange our furniture. im only in this apartment for another 60 days, ill manage until then. the stuff i bought for us is much too large to fit any other way and still be able to walk (or much too heavy, in our bedroom furniture). but, thats still a good idea

like i said, the worst thing for me right now is that when she needs to text me, shes signing it with her nickname i gave her (something moderately inappropriate to be using anywhere but between us… certainly not something i think she would tell her mom or anyone else… and im sure her new man would not want to call her something that was special between her and i)… which makes no sense for her, since she told me to respect her decision, to be using anything other than her real name with me.
wow, sounds like some of you actually read my story. thanks
Dude, I dont even know what to say. I hate reading about things like this, it makes it REAL. I read your entire story and just imagined what it would be like if I were in that situation, even easier since im a sys admin and own my own consulting biz. All I have to say is you must be one mentally tough man, I would have already lost it if I were you.

Stay strong, and hopefully things work out best for you. Seems as if your marriage may have gone bad, but from what you have said it sounds like you know how to make good decisions in life. Its cliche, but it really is all a journey and your true test of character is how you deal with things along the way. Props to you.
I don’t understand the problem with you being on the computer when she would be watching soap operas? Did she expect you to watch soap operas together? Sometimes you need a break from each other and her watching soap operas while you were on the computer was that break. But next time you do need to watch how much time you spend in front of the computer.

2 people can fall out of love almost as quickly as they fell into it. I know it hurts but you need to accept it and move on and meet new women. You can’t let it bring you down.

I don’t mean to pry but how was your sex life? You used the term "make love" or "making love" so it sounds like your sex life was pretty bland. Read the thread in the Vaginarium about "making love", women don’t like that term.

You took care of her and her son and made sure they had a great place to live and food to eat, so it had to be something else. If she was looking outside of your marraige for other guys, experts say that women cheat for emotional reasons, so she must have been trying to fill an emotional void in your marriage.

She is being nice to you now because she didn’t want to hurt you but she didn’t know how to tell you that she wasn’t getting the sexual attention that she needed.

It is hard to make a woman happy to the fullest because women are indirect communicators. They communicate with men by dropping hints. Us guys feel that our SO’s should come directly talk to us if something is wrong so we can work it out. But it just doesn’t work that way. Women expect us to pick up the hints and fix something that we don’t know is broken.

Stay cool
*shrug* we did have sex a lot. and i always did the things that bring her to orgasm. sometimes we were just fucking to fuck, sometimes we were passionately making love. we rarely did it the same we did it the previous time. some afternoons we would get home and put a disney movie on for son just so we would immediately get some time for bedroom.

i dont think it was sexual attention, because she didnt have her own car to drive around in. i would take her everywhere she needed to go, every day. it would have been very very difficult for her to be having a physical relationship with someone else (of course im not saying it was totally impossible). and while she did allow me to photograph her totally nude, she was timid enough that when i grabbed her butt in the store it would embarrass her, and the pics she took for the other guy were underwear only.

anyway, she claims she was never sexually dissatisfied, but i guess who knows really.
I think she’s doing both to you. She’s pulling at your heart strings to keep a space available for her, and she’s torturing you.

I think she’s just found out how good she got it with you. She was irrational, and did things on impulse instead of being open and communicating with you on how she was feeling and what she wanted from you and instead of coming out with compromises on how to work things out, she took the initiative to cheat on you–even after you handed her forgiveness on a silver platter.

Don’t let her pull on your heart strings, and pack away all those things that remind you of her. Put them in a box, and hide them in the closet, in the attack.

Stay strong, and keep doing what you’re doing. It sounds like you tried to give her everything, and she turned it away because you were working hard on making a life easier for her and her son.

Don’t let her play around with you emotionally… :hugs:
i tell you what, my cat dabney has been a real trooper thru all this. her dedication and loyatly and undying love for her poppa, has really helped me get thru this.

its almost like she has been able to sense there is something wrong with me lately, and has been by my side everyday the past month. i mean, she usually always follows me around the house anyway, but she has been in my lap or whatever every moment possible.
awww kittah awwww

There are always those out there who will always love you! (i.e. kittah!)

thank you for that. many of my RL friends have been saying the same thing, but believe me its a good feeling to hear it from a stranger.
It didn’t sound like he spent an unreasonable amount of time on the computer to me, but who knows. She sounded like the one with the major problems. She doesn’t know how to communicate. If you can’t communicate you can’t maintain a relationship. DON’T let her back into your life. In fact I’d suggest cutting off contact with her completely. You’ll find someone else. Good luck.

well, my son’s grandfather is a citizen because he married a citizen and i live in Garland.

ive been to so many immigration lawyers over this. she had been here illegally so long she didnt have any options. if i would have married her in el salvador and then brought her here, it would have been a different story.

right now, here only option is to declare, allow herself to be deported, and then if we were still married, i could write letters to the american consulate in el salvador and plead with him that i am unable to function in society without my spouse, that im going documentably insane, and that i am unable to parent her son properly without her here.

after that, if they believe me, it can be a little as a year and she can legally enter the country and get into process. otherwise, if they dont believe me, you can legally enter the country for like, 10 years.

of course, she has family members who get deported, and they show up 9 months later, here illegally again of course. thats no way to live IMO, and i never considered that type of thing an option.

doesnt matter a hill worth of shit now, tho.
actually, my wife has stated that she fears that i will call immigration on her as vengence for hurting me.

she watches too many telenovelas.
I’ve been there brother. I can certainly relate.

It will probably take quite some time, but it WILL get better.
You did the right thing filing for divorce.

And I don’t think that searching her computer was wrong, either. It lead you to objective truth.

the computer, technically, belonged to me however, i gave it to her in our division of possessions, since i likely wouldnt be using it.

I read your entire story from start to finish and as soon as i started reading about how you purged her computer and found the pictures that had been sent, I was just as crushed. I am appaled that a woman in her stature would do this–especially to a man that loves her as much as you do. I aspire to be like you some day. A man that can work his ass off AND make time for the only person that I love. You truly are idolized by myself and others i’m sure. I want you to know that I am here for you in the many months to come. I know that you can overcome this hard-ship. She doesn’t deserve you, sir. Good luck with closing on your house and this will take time. Although I am only 21, I am grateful that you posted this so that i can learn from this as much as you learned when you typed it. The tears that you have shed became the pages of knowledge that i am increasingly obsessed with learning and absorbing. We are ALL here for you my friend. Good luck.

realistically, i would probably do at least 2 hours on weekdays (reciprocated by my wifes at least 2 hours of tv shows that i would have no intrest in watching), and probably 4-8 hours on saturdays or sundays. at least some of these sat or sunday hours, would be while wife and son were out visiting family (and i would be home alone). but i was never unavailable to my family during any of those hours. son was constantly coming to talk to me, and i would turn to talk to him back every time (etc etc). its not like i was zoned out or anything. honey-do jobs and tasks were never ignored, i was up out of the chair if my wife ever called. EVERY TIME my wife was cleaning or something, i was out of my chair asking if could help with something. "what i can i do to help you babe?" EVERY single time, without fail. i constantly told her that its not fair for her to take care of all the chores in the house, and me to just piddle around not doing any household work at all, that she could ask of me anything, and she would get my assistance and participation, immediately.

tasks such as vacuuming hte rugs, cleaning the cat litter, and taking out the garbage, were exclusively handled by me, every time, without promting (altho sometimes i would let the carpet go an extra week before i would do it again… *shrug*, we really didnt track a whole lot of dirt in our place). i also pretty much always washed my own laundry, got my own coke or beer, got my own snack. i DID NOT consider my wife to be my slave or servant. once every blue moon i would ask my wife to bring me a drink, and when she did, i thought that was the most special thing ever, and i was so thankful, and always mindful not to abuse such a wonder thing from (what i thought was) a wonderful woman.

my point being, that i was actively still participating in the goings on of the house, and not in a total zone out all to myself.

also, i dont always default to computer only, i do have other hobbies too. but computer, is my carreer, and it puts food on our table and a roof over our heads. just as an artist doesnt work only from 9-5, and any successful business man clocks anywhere from 50-60 or more hours in a typical week.

but none of this is saying i could have done less computer or paid attention more… if only it were asked of me, which it never was. as far as i was concerned, i was getting ready for my next string of hours billed at a rate of $120 an hour (which in 2007, i think i billed like, 84 hours on the side, working weeknights or weekends, i worked my ass off but turned good pay).

all that extra income i earned paid off tons of credit card debt, which was all hindering our plans to own a home. again, as far as i was concerned, i was working on the future we had agreed on.

i definitely feel that my wifes inability to communicate, denied me my chance to make any or every change that she could (but didnt) ask of me.
on the flip side of a lot of the above post, my wife also stated that im the only man who:

took her out of town on vacations
didnt constantly make her wait on me (drinks, food, etc)
cooked for her and son
helped around the house with chores, esp doing my own laundry
gave her a credit card(s) with her name on it
didnt beat or abuse her

i mean, she physically voiced that she took note that im different from every man she has ever been with in the past (but also, that im the only white man shes ever been with too).
and everyone, thank you, ive actually had 48 hours of no depression, and im sure its due to talking about it here, and hearing encouragements from all of you.
I read the story and first thought was this is classic woman logic at work. As men we are able to logically put facts on the table and make a life decision based on what’s the best route to go. Women on the other hand is all about emotions. Darketernal really puts it in perspective for me. I certainly think she made a decision that is wrong but at least now I understand why she made it. Her emotions are not being fulfilled and she went out of her way to find it. Another classic example is that she is now nicer to you because you are gone. The loving emotions that you used to give to her are gone and she is now acting on it to get fulfilled again. I will never understand women completely but from reading Vag and Asylum, I"m seeing a pattern that is starting to form. Just because you’re a good man and a good provder on everything else, that doesn’t mean she is fulfilled. A woman is most happy when she has all her emotion buckets filled, whether it is fear, love, anger, excite.
totally, 100% agree. but i cannot fullfill something if im not told what it is that needs fullfilling.
so last night, i ended up going to see my ex, so i could deliver another load of stuff to her. she had called me, and truthfully, her voice sounded very timid and unsure. i mean it was such a tone of voice, that my first question was ‘are you ok’ (as in, are you in trouble or hurt or something). she said no, but she asked about lots of the childrens medicine that was in the medicine cabinet… had gone totally overlooked. i told her i would pack it up and get it over to her. we agreed for sometime on saturday, but then i called her right back and said "how about i just bring it over now" (since my saturday was going to be quite busy with a full day of house shopping, and id really rather not deal with it after ill be exhausted anyway).

so i went over there and dropped off more of her stuff. we talked for a few minutes. shes so very nervous talking to me, so remoresful for breaking my heart, but she is still being very defensive of her position for choosing to go back to being single again.

i had a hell of a time getting her to calm down, and to understand that im NOT trying to talk her into coming back, only that im just trying to learn exactly what it was that caused her to be unable to talk to me. i actually already know what it was that prevented her communication… "she fears me".

fears me is what ive been trying to dredge out of her since all this occured. fear me how? ive never so much as even pushed her, and i think i raised my voice to her maybe 2 times in almost 3 years. did she fear getting a spanking on her bottom, like the boy did when he needed it? i really have no idea, but im sure its related to some form or sort of percieved vengence that i would exact on her or something. revenge for breaking my heart? again, ive never displayed any thought or action of vengence or the need for revenge or getback on anyone in this life. i have no idea why she would think such things of me. (like i said, she watches too much spanish telenovella dramas… which are brimmed full of this vengence crap, especially over love *rolls eyes*)

anyway, at this point im just trying to get her to relax around me so we can talk objectively about what happened. i am determined as possible to learn as much as i can from her about this so that whatever future relationship doesnt get affected by this. if i truly have some defect (which, 100% of my RL friends are unable to define), then she is the only one who can decribe how i can eliminate whatever the problem was.

we were mesageing back and forth this morning, and i was telling her basically exactly what i wrote above, and she replied back ‘spend more time with your family and not on the computer’, but i replied back ‘thats the part i already know… what i need to know is why you feared me to the point you couldnt talk to me about what was wrong’.

at this point im just trying to get my closure, so i can improve myself (*shrug* if there is even something definable that i can improve), and move on.
well, here is my update. last week, i think i actually went from tuesday thru friday, without any depressive feelings over all this. i had a fairly positive mental attitute about the future.

saturday, i went house shopping with my realtor for about 4 hours in the morning, then turned around and did a 3 hour consulting job after that. unfortunately, by the time i finally got home late in the afternoon, i was feeling the gloom again. much of it was on behalf of my friend, whos company i was consulting for… is going thru the same thing that led me to my divorce. he and his wife are also feeling the problems of falling out of love after many years, and while he is the one who is falling out of love (reverse of my situation), he is actively searching for ways to fix it. she doesnt feel like anything is wrong, and thus isnt motivated to make changes to make my friend happy again (also reversed from my situation). either way, it makes for seeing 2 people who i care deeply about, currently on the road to pain.

so since i have no family to take care of right now, weekends get lonely right now. i stared at my wall the rest of saturday and all of sunday, stewing over how my wife feared me, and what a monster i must be. how will i ever recover the carcass of how i am, to be something good for some other woman someday?

all these things going thru my mind caused me to be unable to remember if i was even going anything at all right, in our marriage. unfortunately, the only person i could turn to for encouragement on this issue… was my exwife herself. so i called her late last night.

she answered when i called, and at first was fairly aprehensive about talking to me. surely she feared i was calling to beg her back or talk about why she couldnt talk to me, but i assured her that my reason for calling was way beyond that. i really had to let down my own guard (because im the strong unbreakable type…) to tell her that i had been doing quite well until saturday afternoon, and what exactly i was dealing with in my head, that i was doubting my own existance as "a husband" that was worth having anyway.

she told me, that over all i was a very responsible man, that i always took care of the family properly (ie, cooking dinner, maintaining the household, things like that), i didnt treat her like my servant (ie i never asked her really to bring me a drink to the computer room, and i pretty much always did my own laundry), and that she even said that in the bedroom i was always pleasing.

she did say that she always felt guilty that she didnt do more to be more like a servant, reciprocating how i was always volunteering to help with cleaning, or if i was on my way to the kitchen i would always ask if i could bring her something. when she said she wished she had done more, i asked "so what stopped you?" she didnt know.

i did make it a point to tell her some of the ways that she was a good woman to me (well, of course i mean back before all the BS got in the way), and over all i think we both feel a little better for the wear.

ultimately, she did tell me that she has feared every man she has ever been with, and she wont ever stop fearing, and that her fear was not my fault. i still have a hard time grasping that with how lovingly i acted to her in all areas of life that she could still lump me into the category [as the man who killed her first child]. the loss of her child i know damaged her, but i never knew it went that deep as to translate to how she interacted with me as well.

oh well, over all i ended up getting what i needed, and that was some positive mental reinforcement that im still good. hopefully im on my way to my next string of days where i dont experience any down days (i know im not done with them, but id expect that as time passes, ill get more and more positive days between the negative days). so far, this is positive day number 1

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I see it like this, if you look at the global markets, the whole world is just begging for ground compounds like ,steel, oil, copper. So if i where you id get a good paying job as a ground product supplier. Look at what the market needs and play in on that demand.
So basically, screw the world, I’m making money so therefore I am happy?

I look at it differently. My sister has followed her passion and is doing a job she loves as an art consultant. The money is not great by any stretch but she loves what she is doing.

My cousin became an engineer for a mining company. Makes a shitload of cash but can’t stand what he does. Gets absolutely no job satisfaction, but turns up because the money is good and he needs to make the repayments on all the needless crap he has.

Which one of these do you more want to be?

And, for the record, I’m in the middle. Love my job and make good money doing it, but that destroys my point.
I think what Darketernal is saying is that if you don’t know what you want to do in your life, just go for the money, even if you’ll hate the job, at least you have money for your hobbies on the weekend.

My mom tells me the same thing (sorta) and tells me to save up and then enjoy it when you do figure it out.

Sometimes it’s just not possible to find a job you like that you can actually support yourself on. If that was possible, everybody would be a rockstar or a professional surfer.
I’m in the same boat. I have two more years left and have no clue what to do and I’ve been stagnating. I’m so apathetic it’s disgusting. What to do about it? I don’t know man I haven’t figured that out yet. I guess keep your head up and eyes peeled for something that interests you. Definitely don’t stay in one place. Move around and do stuff even if you don’t like it. That is the only way you’re going to discover something new that you might want to pursue. i.e. Study abroad, internship, weird ass job, travel

I’m not a christian but I might go with my Uncle to Africa for missionary work because you never know.

Yea, you just gotta keep trying things out. What major were you in college?

Hell, I’ll use my dad as an example. He did Biochem at UPenn then did Vet School there. Figured out he didn’t really want to go into practice, but he found his toxicology classes interesting so he talked to his toxicology professors. The one thing that definately made him get a PhD in toxicology is when he was just in the library studying with some friends and saw a toxicology journal out of the corner of his eye. He picked it up and found a guy working at Texas A&M that could use some help. Got in contact with the guy, moved out to Texas for a few years, got his PhD, moved back to PA and then found a job. It was all pretty random, but the thing is he pursued things. He was so set on being a vet, but he ended up working in the pharmacuetical industry.

Maybe try your college’s career center? They might have some tests or something to help you out? Although I don’t personally think those tests help that much since they’re so limited, but it’s worth a shot.

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