I advice you to lay your life on at least 3 things, so that when in a horrible event soccer falls away, you have another hobby or goal in life to hang onto.

I’ve also had it that i put all my money on helping people which i love most, but i got diseased because i didn’t take care of my own life, and because my sole reason of life was taken away from me i’d attempted suicide.

I know now that was ‘not’ the way to go, clinging your life on one goal is wrong because when the gods strike down on you and you run out of luck, what are you going to do?

So its ‘ok’ to have soccer as a main goal in your life, but you need to ‘back your life up’ with other things. Wether its bowling, tennis, or constructive professions like programming , carpeting, engineering, i know you’d rather have soccer, however don’t allow yourself to fall in the same trap of depression as i did, i had nothing in life exept helping people,anything else wasn’t good enough and made me feel miserable. Now i’ve learned to see pass that and think ‘there’s more to life then helping people ‘ , you’ve also got to think like ‘there’s more to life then just playing soccer ‘, the world will continue to spin even if you can’t play soccer anymore, this is gutwrenching to swallow, but its better to allow yourself some time to accept this, and adapt to at least 3 other professions or hobbies, then to suffer when soccer falls away. Try to spread your risk, bet on 3 horses instead of 1, that way you’ll have something to look forward to, instead of looking down when 1 horse dies. this is me speaking out of true life experience, it was as hard for me to accept as for you to not having to play soccer, i now have more things that i can life forward to see and do.

One more advice, take care of your body and give your body all the time to heal, and be carefull with playing soccer, its really prone to get your body injured, so don’t make all too much of sudden moves that will rip everything apart again.

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I go to the same club every saturday, it’s free and I know a lot of people. Me and a friend of mine are basically the dancers in the place. Not hired, not "technically", but….we dance. A lot. No BBAy, just hip-hop. I live in Atlanta, so do the math. The clubs we go to have stages. One upstairs has a big stage, down has 2 small side stages.

I’m white, he is black. This isn’t exactly important but….we gel together well and bounce off each other. I draw the most attention because…well…i’m white and know how to dance. I’m also 6’5" 190 so that helps.

The past few weeks i’ve been adding to my "skill set" and have gotten bigger and bigger crowds of people watching me and my friend dance. My issue is that I will notice, and spot, women staring all night and I won’t bother to approach and say anything.

Now, naturally, I am:

Short Tempered
Angry
Reserved/Slightly Shy

I am going through some anger management right now. Working on my temper. Like a waitress at my job said "I think you mean well and have a good heart, honestly….but you just suck at controlling yourself." She is right, to a T. Someone pushes me, i’m punching them. Someone talks shit to me, i’m punching them. My point is that for all the attention given to me, it should be easy for me to break this horrid 4 month sexless drought i’ve been in. I’ve considered contacting 2 of my previous fuck buddies, but I can’t bring myself to it. I find it so much easier to meet women when I end droughts, but right now, it’s the hardest drought ever.

Right now, I don’t want to find a date in a club. I just want to fuck. I’ve hit a wall. I don’t understand how I can stand in front of 30-40 people watching me dance while more then half are females, some waving and what not, and I won’t do a damn thing. If they come up on stage or stop me when I walk by, i’m fine. Over the last month i’ve gotten 3 numbers, I was just stood up each time.

I don’t really know what to expect from this forum as I don’t post here, but i’m not going to look for some PUA garbage on the internet. Honestly, I think this is more to do with my anger management than anything. Ever since i’ve taken a strong approach to controlling myself better 2 months ago, I’ve found it unbelievably difficult to be out going with people I don’t know unless you approach me. Before, I found myself more out going.

I’m lost.

Seriously. Thinking of this makes me angry and as I tell my friends, puts me into "beast mode" where I just want to look for a fight. I already expect to go into work @ 6PM tomorrow angry just by thinking about how I suck at approaching, or lack thereof, women.

Knowing how to deal with Anger and Girls are basically 2 different issues, and getting them under control is basically an art in its own.

You need to re-direct the anger into doing constructive things. Consider anger as extra energy that needs to be released. Hit the gym, go jogging,play golf or tennis so that you release that extra amount of steam
that you have stored inside of yourself. That way you build up muscle and release excessive anger while your at it.

When it comes to girls, dont go with them just for sex, although i understand you, i know that doing that stuff will just bite you back in the end. I firmly believe that you shouldnt play with human lives like that. Act like a man and be serious about what you do. Go with a woman for a serious relationship.

In terms of approuching them, stop thinking (what if this or that happens that will ruin it) , think like this

Its a win win situation, if you ask a girl out and she says no, then you can never blame yourself for not trying, if you ask her out and she says yes, then you ve got a date. Fear just imprisons you, and that causes the frustration that makes you angry.

I mean look at it, you fear to get rejected, as a result you dont get a date, and as a result of that you get angry. All this stuff is connected, so the moment you stop your fears, is also the moment you can stop your anger.

The best way to do this is the following, you know many people think too much when it comes to asking girls out. Just put your mind on zero and go for it.
I suck at giving advice but I just wanted to tell you something so hopefully you try to focus on the good side of things instead of on the bad side, because that’s all you’re doing.

Feel fortunate you have an ability to dance and draw attention, especially from women, and feel fortunate you know they stare. Feel fortunate that the waitress could see past everything and know you’re a good person. Not a lot of people nowadays have that ability.

Some people, like me, can’t attract anyone for shit and have no visible talents, and nobody appreciates whatever you have going on. And that, my friend, is what really sucks. Eight months without sex here.

I got a gym membership 2 weeks ago. Ive been wanting to gain weight and I also figured I would use it as some anger management control. I took 3 days off to let my body rest and heal, but thus far the management side and releasing stress and anger is slow.

I’ve basically hit a mental block period with PEOPLE in general. So when it comes to females, it’s 5 times worse.

I had my hopes set high for a blog, have a .com, OT Sports crew enjoyed reading it, traffic was slowly increasing.

Then I got really sick, a nasty sinus infection and I put it on the back burner until I got 100% so I could rest and relax and not sit on my computer all day typing.

The problem ever since i’ve gotten better is i’ve hit that mental block. Or, writers block. I havent logged into my site in ages because I can’t think of what to write. I can sit on OT and go off on a whim, but when it comes to jotting down subjects to type about for my blog I hit a road block.

My point….is it sucks.

I went on a date with a 39 year old, i’m 24. I figured I didn’t have much of a chance (this was a month ago) for a 2nd or 3rd date because of the age gap and I was right. The thing I took out of it was that I knocked the rust off as I havent been on a meaningful date in like 6…7 months prior. But, a week later, once again, mental block.

The sad part is it’s getting so bad i’m getting to the point of drinking alcohol more often then not, even at work, just so I can be more sociable with customers when i’m behind the bar (bar back, not a bartender). The only places I am in my groove where I can open freely seems to be a basketball court and a bar during a football game when everyone has the same agenda…to watch the game and meet people.

I’m brutally honest with people, there isn’t a lot of sugar coating going on when I talk to someone. But when I leave work or my house or a friends house and go to a bar, a club, the mall….I can see a girl, know what I want to do or say, not feel nervous, as I walk over i’ll forget shit. And even if I open my mouth and get 3 sentances out, i’m back to square one in 2 minutes as I hit a mental block of what I wanted to say and then it all comes back to me 2 minutes after I ran her off with silence. This happened on St. Pattys day, had a girl all over me but my mental blocks killed any chances of anything happening and I went home alone.
Not to be a dick but you only have one simple problem – although the solution is not at all easy or simple.

You are a slave because you can’t control yourself. I’m not going to sugar coat it with BS like "anger management", what you need to do is to control yourself. In the end, that is the only control any of us have and being a slave to yourself means that you are also a slave to others because it is extremely easy to control someone who cannot control him or herself.

Again, I’m not trying to be a dick or to shrug off your problems and concerns but this is the way I see.

I know I need to control myself, but trust me, people don’t control me. People at my work fear me. People at my school won’t even attempt to.

Small example:

I tell my boss i’m not happy with him scheduling me 3 days, I tell him if happens again im done working there. He says "fuck josh, i’ll give you what you want, 5 days? fine, just don’t shoot me."

Like I said, I couldn’t tell you the last time someone "controlled" me. It’s not because i’m afraid to see the truth, but because people know my mindset and I have the label of being a fighter in my group of friends.

When I enter my club, they will ask me "no fights today, ok?"

I hate it. But like you said, I can’t control myself. And I don’t know how to control myself.
i feel you on the no pua deal

my advice would be to stop masturbating

if you see women as your sole sexual outlet, everything should take care of itself

i used to have a horrible temper like you when i was younger btw

you can control yourself. you are choosing not to.
If you just want bedroom action from women, you already know what to do. I flipped out earlier this week, then went out with a buddy and I was back on the horse.

When I go into the spot, I always have approach anxiety on the first one. Then I flip the switch, and I talk to every woman I see and just run game on them. Just say whatever the fuck you want, whatever is on your mind. Don’t run the shitty, tired routines. Look at them in the eyes, realizing that you are about to give them the best viking fucking of their life. Get yourself thinking that you’re unstoppable. You can cut out at any time, just walk off.

You’re a fucking dancer. You have the moves to sweep the women up, so use it. Take control and own the room. Don’t do the PUA crap if that’s not you. Its not me, I just talked about what I wanted to on saturday night to 9 sets of women and went home with 4 numbers. I ejected early on every one because I’m not comfortable having sex today, maybe in a few days I’ll scoop one up and take her back to the house. You’re in control of everything you do with women once you harness what you already have, and use it.

good points.

I suck at PUA routines. I’ve tried them, i’ve spent hours reading up on them, doesn’t fit my personality. IMHO, PUA are general liars and bullshitters. I don’t know PUA and I make it a goal to not become friends or associates with them. I’m just to honest and up front to bullshit people.

I’m like you, I talk about whatever I want to talk about, I just change it up a bit with women.

Thing i’ve been working on is being more aggressive at bars and clubs with women. Instead of asking about what they are doing in a week, I ask what they are doing when they leave the club. I used to think that it came off stalkerish/scum baggish like, but I haven’t had any problems thus far. Just being stood up, but they don’t come off freaked out.

#1, I won’t stop masturbating. Not yet.

#2, i’m sure I can control myself. I just feel like it’s chemical related in my head. I don’t take meds, I don’t want to take meds. But even when I start to get pissed off about something and I start to talk myself out of getting pissed off or why I should calm down…I continue to get pissed off. If not double pissed off just because i’m trying to calm myself down. My friends know not to calm me down, it just pisses me off even more. And it always has a chemical/mindfuck feeling to it.

When I fight, I get tunnel vision. So,

this has been a good week as far as controlling my temper goes.

The problem is for every 2….3 good weeks I have of controlling myself, I run into a problem one night on the town, a fight, altercation, something….that sets me back 6 weeks.
I wish I had opportunities to meet women. All I ever do is go to school (tech school with like 95-98% male enrollment) and work. Plus I live in the middle of nowhere so its not like theres any big bars or clubs around

that must really suck. I need the big city.

You have to psych yourself up. If you can own the room, realize it, then its already been communicated, and you can stop asking women for phone numbers and dates, and start telling them.

We’re all liars and bullshitters, PUA guys are just fucking losers who need to find hobbies. However, you can learn from them. Imagine if you had the skills they do, and a real personality to go behind it.

Yea, thanks. That’s why I asked, maybe to have someone re-enforce this shit into my head. Like saturday I went to the club alone because all my friends pulled out and want to wait for my BDay Saturday. I considered leaving but I told myself I’ve been becoming to co-dependent. I won’t go to the club unless a friend is with me. so I went inside, and then by the 3rd song, sober….danced. Had a group of really ugly women never leave me alone, 2 ugly black women…never leave me alone…and some guy buy me a drink.

I hope this is a sign that I got the ugly women out of the way for my birthday party.

Either way, I do need to remember that I basically run the entire dance floor when I go to clubs. Even if I go to larger black dominant clubs, I run shit. I just need to stop being shy and go after females I see constantly staring.

I’m not one to diagnose myself, but from reading up on Bipolar definitions and cases on the internet, I don’t have it. I’ve also never seen a doctor. But I just don’t carry the normal bipolar tendencies. I think i’m more hateful than Bipolar people are.

It sounds to me like you’re overreacting to the possibility of being controlled by other people. Your boss tells you you’re only working 3 days and you want to work 5 days, that’s control — or rather, it could be percieved as control. I would say it is, since technically he gets to decide whether you work or not.

So I would suggest two things: 1) figure out who "the man" is that originally held you down, and deal with them directly instead of taking it out on everyone else, and 2) accept that you are one of 6 billion people and every single one of them has the capacity to end your life if they see fit, and try to keep them from wanting to do it.

Meh, i’ve been at my job for over a year. He gave newer people that work slower than me 4 days. I told him the last time that happened I quit, but an ex-manager convinced me to come back. I told him that if it happened again I will quit again, the only difference is I won’t come back.

He gave me 4 days this week, I also requested 4 days off, but he made me work saturday. I even told him this week is the exception to the rule because its my birthday weekend.

I’d venture to say finding some "ultimate" guy who has "held me down" will take years of therapy because there is no possible way I can think of some shit like that on my own while posting on OT.
Your description of your temper is exactly like mine is (especially the tunnel vision).

I learned to control it. I have never had to take any medication.

You say you won’t stop masturbating. Why? Its not forever. Try it for a week or so. You can always start right up again.

If you aren’t horny, you are less apt to approach chicks. Its that simple.

Good point. I’ll give it a shot this week considering my birthday party is on saturday and i’m going to get pretty shit faced. at the damned bare minimum i need to walk out with some numbers to show some progress.

my temper is better now than it was 2 years ago. it’s better now than it was just ONE year ago.

Like I said, the problem is i’ve fallen back on my anger and temper so much that when I go a few weeks without any issues, I run into that one day where something happens and the "2 steps forward, 3 steps back" saying comes into play. Or whatever the correct saying is. It happened to me about 2 weeks ago. Everything was fine, and then I was grumpy, angry, short tempered, and snapping on people at work. Ever since then, i’m fine. But I fall back on my anger/whiny brashness still too often.
I found a good way to cope with it.

Why do men get nervous around woman they want to have sex with? The reason is they CARE about what the woman will say and how she will react to him.

Instead of going to a woman with the idea of ‘i want sex and dating her’ simply stop caring about wether you will succeed or not having a date with her, if the pressure is gone you’ve got nothing to lose afteral. That way you show you have a life of your own to live, which is a bonus attraction for woman.

Honestly stop caring what woman will think of your reaction, just talk to them to have a great time. Talking was never meant as a form of torture.

It might sound silly but if you have Winamp, just listen to the Comedy Channels for 1 hour each day, you laugh a lot and you’ll see how wonderfull talking and humor is to have a great time. That way you wont have a mental block and actually can have a lot of fun while talking to woman,just for a laugh

good solid points all around. when i get back from the mall tonight i will substitute some comedy channels from shoutcast for game sound from the 360.

mod edit: trust me i know what i am saying
Most people are too lazy to control their temper because of their upbringing. Noone encouraged them to not act out….so they learned early on that if you act out, you get some pay off.

It’s very similar to monkeys, lions, bears and any other wild animal. If they get away with a behavior long enough, no matter how destructive, it becomes a habit.

Old habits are hard to break…..especially alone because it’s so easy to break a commitment to ourselves…..afterall, we’re the ones that made the commitment so why can’t we break it when we want to? This is why so many people break their New Years resolutions.

Character building exercises and imposing discipline on ourselves usually always feels like punishment. However, IMO this is caused by a simple lack of motivation to change.

Anthony Robbins has an excellent program for pushing us to change in ways we never thought possible. He also provides motivation for these changes and helps us help ourselves. You can find his books and tape programs at most public libraries.

If you want to stop acting out in anger, you must learn new ways to deal with stress. You must learn new ways of interacting with people and you must learn new ways to deal with set backs in life. Guess what slick….we all have to do this.

However, most people would rather bitch on this forum about how anger and life are so uncontrollable and they just can’t help themselves. Now that I’ve given you suggestions to follow, the question is, will you continue to bitch or will you go out and find solutions to your issues?

Me personally, I give no value to bitchers, whiners or complainers. I’m not perfect….hell far from it. I’ve had to bust my ass to overcome my drinking problems and all sorts of other shit….but I wanted a different life and I’ve created that. So I know it’s possible….if one is properly motivated.

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"Trad" or traditional rock climbing

House/Jungle DJ
Back country Snow Biking
Gold panning / gem collecting
Drums
Vertical Caving / Technical Spelunker
Song writer
widdling
Yeah but see most have some natural talent, I have none. Im not good at anything. I thought I would be a good dad and that my point in life was to have a family to take care of and now thats gone.
Take off the blinders, the whole world is in front of you.
Doesn’t always have to be an obvious talent like playing an instrument or knowing how to cook.

You can be a quick learner.. maybe you’re good at telling stories.. or something you haven’t found yet.

Everyone’s good at something.. unless you sleep 24 hours a day.
You’ve got to work at it man.

I’m pretty jealous of my little brother. He’s a NATURALLY talented tennis player. I mean, his body is perfect for tennis. He’s lanky, his reach is long, he can sprint and his arms are bowed just perfectly to play tennis. He rarely ever trains but he kicks the ass of every kid in the region.

I can do a lot of things, but I’ve had to work like a horse to be nearly as good with any of the things I can do. But it’s my life’s goal though, to just have a lot of skills. I like to learn how to do new things and I’m just naturally good at learning really fast. I try to force myself to learn at least 3 new skills a year. I set a goal and then my steps on how to achieve them.

For example, last year, I set my goal to learn how to speak spanish semi-fluently, weld and drive rally sprints. Those were my goals.

So I took spanish classes twice a week in the evenings. Then I went to one of my friends who is a welder and apprenticed him on the weekends for an hour or so. And I bought a AWD Civic for $150, played some rally simulation games then just went out and learned on private roads and went to rally cross when they had them.

I suffer from a lack of a social life, but it was important enough for me to learn those skills.

This year, I want to learn how to pick a lock, play the guitar, shoot a bow, and ride a horse. And I’m taking the appropriate steps to learning how to do that.

I’ve been doing this since I was 8 years old.

Things I know I’m very good at:

- Martial arts. I’ve been training since I was 8. Judo, Juijitsu, Tae Kwon do, Boxing, Muay Thai, kickboxing, wrestling.
- Computers. I’ve been working in the IT field for about 5 years now dabbling in everything.
- Driving. Auto-cross, track and rally for a few years now.
- Welding. Played around and then seriously took on skills last year.
- Art. Been doing sculpting since I was 11.
- Woodworking. My grandfather was a very good woodworker, I have been doing it since I could hold a tool.
- Acrobatics. Been doing gymnastics since I was 10.
- Dancing. Ballet, Jazz, Tap, Hip-hop. I’ve been doing all of them since I was 14.
- Singing. Was in choir all throughout school and had private lessons.
- Calligraphy. My parents made me take calligraphy classes when I was young.
- Ice skating. Parents put me in figure skating classes when I was 6, I skated for 2 years.
- Swordsmanship. Been practicing everything from Fencing to Kendo since I was 10.

It’s a lot of stuff and I have had to devote a LOT of time to all of it. Like I said, I don’t have very much time for a social life because of it. But I enjoy learning all of these skills. If you aren’t naturally talented then you have to really work hard at it.
Aside from writing, fitness, and being all-around flexible with IT, I have nothing else going for me.
A friend explained the following recently and it seemed to adequately clarify some of my confusions throughout life. So think of intelligence as being on a scale from 1 to 10 with 10 being the highest, smartest people. (This explanation also applies to any talent).

Let’s say that at level 10 are the people that are truly gifted. These are the prodigies, the people that just have it. People with photographic memories, the musicians that are able to master an instrument at a very young age and others like Einstein that seem to have supernatural intelligence. There are many examples of these people throughout history but generally they are gifted well beyond normal levels of aptitude. They truly are the best of the best, even if they don’t fully utilize their talents throughout their life.

On the other end of the spectrum are the truly dense. These people exist at the 1 and perhaps even 2 on the scale. These are people that simply aren’t able to comprehend even the most basic logic. It’s unfortunate that people exist at these low levels but there are some that truly do. We can put the severely mentally retarded, those with physical injuries to the brain and anyone from Arkansas in this category. Ok…I’m just kidding about the people from Arkansas.

Then there are the people in between these two extremes. Looking at the top of this group, they would exist between 7 and 9 on this scale. These are people that have varying levels of intelligence and talents. Some are smarter than others and many seem to be truly gifted but one thing seems universal with this group, they have to work hard to realize their success. While their hard work and previous successes fuel more hard work and more successes, they do have to work really hard to get to the top.

For much of my life, I’ve confused those people in the 7 to 9 range with those in the 10 range. The good news, there’s lots of good news. First, most people will don’t and will never exists at the extremes. Next, we can reach much higher than we ever thought possible with hard work. Finally, don’t confuse those in the 7-9 range with those in the 10 range. Those in the 7-9 range simply worked very hard to get to those levels.
I play guitar at an intermediate level, but would definitely ask the genie (you know, three wishes) to give me musical talent to play just about any instrument expertly. To me, that would be one of the greatest things I could hope for.

I’d also wish I had more talent as an author, and was able to write novels and make a good living doing it. Few things make me more envious than reading an excellent book, knowing that I just couldn’t put one together myself.

I also wish I had a talent for language. I think it would be amazing to be able to speak numerous languages fluently.
Thomas Edison once said, "Innovation is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration"…..or something like that….at least I think it was Edison.

Ok…well someone, somewhere in history once said something like that and if they didn’t, someone should have……so I’ve done so now…..so there.
There is no such thing as talent.

Only people who practice more than someone else.

While you’re busy jerking off they’re probably busy drawingdoing whatever it is they’re good at.

That doesn’t explain prodigies….like kids that are 5 years old playing the violin better than professional musicians.
If you don’t have a natural talent you have to create your talent like the rest of us. I started learning to program in middle school and today I run my own business because of it. I didn’t have a natural talent for programming (unless you count being highly logical and/or mostly using the left side of my brain) and I just put a lot of hard work into it and became pretty good at it. I just decided to focus on something that I was interested in. Do you have any hobbies?

It always makes me laugh when people tell me that I’m lucky to be self employed. There was no luck involved, only hard work.

You know what they say, luck is the coming together of preparation and opportunity.

My brother is insanely successful yet I hear so many people say he’s lucky. Fuck that, he was sacrificing and working his ass off while they were in the bars drinking away their college years.
ya im in the same boat.

i feel my best talent is just being bad at everything.

Thread starter just mentioned my talent: taking up space. And I take up a LOT of space.

Just kidding, I have no talent. Even at taking up space. And I have nothing going for me at the moment.
I find it’s more rewarding to learn a talent, rather than just being born with one.

I naturally have a very nice singing voice, but I don’t do anything with it. Sure it’s handy when I show off here and there for friends at karaoke or some bullshit, but other than that my singing doesn’t define me.

I’d be much prouder of myself if I had no clue how to play guitar and I made myself learn.
sort of, but only because that means i can be really really good at something without even trying or putting in any effort. it allows me to be lazy and not come off as such. on the other hand, those that tend to have a natural knack for things, tend to do them more often, so they’re practicing that skill set a lot as well.

then again, i’ve never tried to just be good in one area. i’m sort of a "jack of all trades, master of none". i like having a bit of knowledge about everything and being able to hold my own in any given arena. it allows me to blend in and experience a bunch of different things, which is part of the reason why i’m trying out new things to begin with. if i come across something i like to become good at, then i try out and at least become decent in that arena. same thing applies to stuff that i realize i don’t know, i’ll do my best to learn about it.

it could be arrogance, but i feel that if i really apply myself to one area, i’ll become really good at it. perhaps not on the level of a prodigy or expert, but above average at the very least. it’s just that i really have no interest in reaching that level in most areas of life.

No related posts.

There are people that are worse off than you… those are the below average people…

you know i know that and i say that to myself many times. but really, that’s just not good enough. being mediocre is just not good enough. i really can’t tell if it’s not good enough for me or for my parents, but it’s just not good enough, period. i feel the need to be known for something great. i really don’t need the multi million dollars, and the fancy cars (im not into cars). but i crave recognition. that’s not saying that i am an attention whore. i dont go into tantrums and cry in front of everyone to steal some sympathy. in fact it is quite the opposite. i always try to put on a happy face when im out, and i reserve the mellowness for when im alone.

i hate the mood swings. when im feeling down, i start comparing myself to everyone and somehow i just end up somewhere around the bottom. then i avoid people out of shame. then im ok again after a couple days of being alone. it’s fuckin ridiculous and pathetic really. i even say that to myself when im being a loner "this is fuckin pathetic, get the fuck out of the house and do something fun!" but i just cant help it. id rather just sleep and play piano by myself during those days.
To folks like you i always say:

Instead of living in the shadow of your father, step out of it, into the sun and have a shadow of your own reflection to look upon.

Its not your voice that’s speaking Godzilla, its the voice of your father whom you seek approval with that is giving you this artificial black hole in your soul. You want your fathers love, which you translate into his recognition.

Its time that you say to yourself: I don’t need my dads approval, that’s the trigger that makes you go into circles, and its the only way to jump out of that vicious black hole of despair.

I will give you some decent advice that a disabled handicapped person told to me. As you might know disabled people are in far less ‘priviliged’ lives as you are and that person said ‘never look upon the things you don’t have in life, always look at the things you do have.

You see Zilla, if you never look back to your own life and say ‘im satisfied with what i have’, then you can never be happy.

Its ok to be striving towards new things, but not out of the feeling that stems from dissatisfaction, rather then a natural need to improve yourself for the sake of the quality of your life.

Be at peace, you are ok for who you are.

that’s true. it’s all true and i know it’s true. but it’s just so hard for me to ignore my dad’s expectations. he’s given so much to me i feel that it’s only fair that i give him something back.

Stop making yourself feeling guilty for something that you aren’t to blame for. Its your dad who’s wrong doing has put expectations on you , you see your dad needs to love you unconditionally , not ‘ i only love you if you reach this and that goal ‘, its proposterous. You need to ignore it listen Zilla, you need to be all you can be not for your dad but for yourself , as said you need to step out of his shadow and have a life of your own in this aspect, the thing is , sometimes people (families in particular) seem all to walk on the same path of life, but in reality you are walking on your own path of life. That’s why you need to start having your own goals for yourself for you. Start defining yourself instead of letting others(even if its family) making a definition of who you are for you. Its wrong man, you’d just end up in being a copy of the wishes reflected of your father, its not you its your fathers voice speaking

‘this is what i myself would have wanted to do in my life but i failed, so now im trying to put my expectations on my son, so he can achieve what i’ve failed to accomplish in my life’

Fuck that shit, let your dad accomplish his expectations with his own life instead of saddling you up with his crap. Its your life you are your own judge,jury and executor of it, now start living it free from guilt in a way how you want to live it.
i feel the same way about mediocrity…seems I can’t really ever find something I’m the best at
Nor is that something you should expect , with 6 billion people on this planet there’s always at least one nut case that would devote his/her entire life on playing tetris,backgammon,soccer,tennis, etc etc , my advice is to stop focusing on these people, its like looking at how the grass is greener at your neighbours place, but in the mean time you forget to take care of your own grass that’s rotting, instead of wasting time with envy start working on making your own grass green. Again stop looking at others, you have been given your own boat, but you are the one who has to paddle towards the finish line in order to gain a victory not onto others, but a victory over yourself.
Stop trying to beat others accomplishments, just try your best to be yourself.

It might sound corny, but I felt the same way as OP and I got over it by realizing that there are people in my life that I love and respect that thinks I’m special and a good person.

Having loads of money and having a talent that people admire doesn’t really mean anything and it certainly doesn’t reflect who you really are as a person imo.

damn.. that’s some deep metaphor…

Everything.

If you want those things so badly, then why not focus on having them instead of focusing on not having them, and or someone else having them while you don’t.

Did you know that whatever you think about most is what you experience in terms of emotions and your emotions then in term represent whether or not you’re on the right track in your life regarding whether you’re experiencing what you want, and being who you choose? If you think about what you don’t have and how others always have what you don’t — then that’s exactly what you get, because it’s what you think about! You’ll continue to want, want, want, and be unhappy.

Why not think about how fortunate it is that you’re associated with someone who has done so well. Why not think about the fact that you can have those things too. You might not know how to get from point A to point B, but you do know how to begin, and that’s by simply focusing on what you truly want.

Do you want those things because you think they’ll bring you joy, happiness, or status? Becareful, because they won’t. You have to start with being joyful, grateful, and appreciative of things. Do you want those things because they’re something you’re passionate about and thus constantly thoughtful about? That’s the only way. Then out of your gratitude you’ll be able to choose and have those things instead of the constant jealousy, wanting, needing, and envy that you have.

What matters in life isn’t what others want for you, but rather what you "create" for yourself. What is it you want? Inevitably your future is entirely dependent — in respect to your "financial wealth" upon whether it’s something you actually care deeply for.

Perhaps the reason you’re so discontented is because you feel that to be validated in your existence, society, family, even relationships, that you need to be or have something other than who you are?

Don’t you know that the only way to be happy is to do what brings you joy? Having validation is nice, but at what expense? That you have to be something that you don’t want to be, in order to be appreciated, loved or otherwise respected?

Why can’t you be respected for whereever you are in your life, and in the process of becoming whoever you’re aiming to be? If others don’t respect it, who says you can’t!? Perhaps you’re mediocre because you know these things deep down and are resistent to becoming who others want you to be, but at the same time, you might be short changing yourself by also denying yourself the things you can have and create.

Start from within, who do you want to be? Look at what you’ve created so far. Your entire life is the sum of your prior choices and actions, as well as experiences. The "good" things and the so called "bad" — if you’re unhappy, it could be a lot of things at work causing it, but perhaps what I’m saying is a very likely part of it. What do you want? What do you already have that you’re grateful for? Think about it, think carefully, because that’s inevitably what will create the next moment preceding this paragraph, that will create your future!

I dunno. Why can’t I??? It’s hard to be content with anything when I feel like people are looking at me like I’m a loser for being 2 steps behind them…

I understand what you’re saying man. And I know exactly the feelings you’re talking about.

The truth is you aren’t a loser. Losers don’t care about themselves, or about trying to feel better. Only someone who cares and wants to live a higher quality of life would reach out and say the things you have.

Those who judge you, looking at you like you’re a loser are ultimately fools. For they’ve failed at character, humility, respect for others, and have failed to identify that fact. Of all the things in this world, character matters most. You can lose all the money you have, and you’ve really lost nothing in the grand scheme of life. You could lose your health, then you could say "Hey, I really lost something." — but if you lose your chacter? If you lack character? All is lost. That’s a quote you need to remember about those who judge you. A human being of character doesn’t judge someone for where they are in their own growth process. An old man should not laugh at a 20 year old for being 20 or for being naive, a toddler should not laugh at an infant for not yet walking or talking, as it will come in their own time.

It’s like a high jump analogy. These people set a mark, and tell you that if you don’t reach it, you’re a loser. Not knowing that you dont’ have to particiate or prove anything to them, in your ignorance you run and attempt to make the jump. When you do they say "Oh lucky, ok let’s see if you can make this jump, and they raise it even higher." They’ll keep raising it until you can’t hit the mark anymore, and even if the jumps you’ve made would have been considered amazing or great to someone on the outside looking in, those who kept raising the bar will tell you that because you didn’t meet "their" expectations that you’re a loser.

Never judge yourself by someone else’s yardstick, or else you’ll spend a lifetime chasing your tail in the sun where you don’t belong.

How can you ever be good enough to someone who has already decided you never will be? So the truth is, it doesn’t matter how far you excell, they’ve already decided your fate. It takes no effort at all to judge someone, but it takes all the effort in the world to play by their rules. Do not play games you can’t win.

Of course you crave recognition, you’ve basically been told by your family through indirect acts and words that you’re worthless and unlovable unless you’re doing something prove otherwise. They don’t give it unconditionally, or merely as a result of your existing in this world, and that’s a failure on their part.

Anyone who calls that love is selling a counterfeit version. That is not love.

Beating yourself up, striving to achieve anything undere these banners you carry will never bring you what you’re ultimately looking for. And that’s self love, respect of self, recognizing your’e whole, and valuable simply because you exist. Nature thought well enough of you to allow you to take up space in this world and no one else can deny that fact so why do you not see that?

If you want to be great, you must abandon the expectations of others. You must do what you love of your own accord simply for the passion of it. What I see is someone who only wants to be great and to have recognition because he hopes his parents will "recognize" him. There is nothing wrong with wanting that, but it is unhelpful to attempt to get it without understanding the reality behind it. You must accept reality as it is.

That is inevitable failure. Until you recognize this, you’ll continue to suffer. If you want to overcome this and can’t do it alone, then consider counseling.

If you want to show your respect to someone who you believe has done a kindness to you, do a kindness in return. I have found that to help another you must help yourself, to love another you must love yourself, to "give" to another, you must give to yourself.

Give yourself a break, give yourself some respect and some encouragment. If you want to give, give because you have a passion for it, not because you feel obligated! That’s not a true gift.

No related posts.

Fast forward to last night. I went in to turn in some sort of paperwork they needed since I quit and her friend tells me that her dad just hung himself a week ago. This is the first thing Ive heard about this. Im really thinking about seeing if she wants to go out or something because I feel really sorry for what shes going through right now.

I just dont know what to do.
As far as dating, it’d be unfair to both of you if you had absolutely no physical attraction to her. Especially if it’s a pity date.

I dont know. Im so screwed up its not funny and I cant even get a date. I havent gotten any action in like 2 years. Now somebody is interested in me and I cant get past the fact that shes not really good looking or something. Even though a guy Im friends with told me one day that even hed fuck her, and hes got a really hot girlfriend.

I just think I have a problem with letting anyone get close to me. My dad used to beat me and I think that may have something to do with it
First of all…if you are not attracted to someone due to their looks…does not make you a bad person, it just means that that person is just not "your type".

Secondly, do NOT just go out with this girl out of sympathy. Right now she is probably very vulnerable and could possibly become way too attached to you which would create an even worse situation for her and you.

Just be a friend to her. Let her know you are there for her if she needs a friend, but make it VERY clear it is only friendship that you are offering her.

I guess I couldn’t tell you why you’re not attracted to her. It’s not wrong of you to judge on looks because like I said, there has to be some baseline physical attraction or a relationship of any kind won’t stand up. With that said, do you really not find her attractive in the slightest?

Either way, I still think a pity date is a terrible idea, though you could ask her if she wants to hang out as a friend. But that may get messy since she might be into you AND she’s vulnerable.
Problem is, yestderday I saw a girl about same type and I probably would have hit it, but since I know this one girl likes me, I dont know if Im making excuses or not so I dont have to get close to anyone. Im all screwed up. Its like Im always expecting people to hurt me now, so Im always very skiddish, sometimes even with my friends.

If you start off as friends with this girl and start getting close to her that way, who knows, you may actually become attracted to her in the future.

I was abused as a child and I also had problems with letting people get close to me (in fear of being hurt over and over again). Going to counseling really helped me out. Now I am a great mom of 3 beautiful children, an incredible nurse, and am currently with the best man in the world. None if this would have been possible if I had not gotten help. You really have to get yourself right and love yourself before you can get involved with anyone or else you are just doomed for hurt.
Profile pic. Im no Adonis

On the left

Seems reasonably attractive in the first pic… but that doesn’t alter what’s important which is YOUR attraction to her. If you think you have an issue with pushing people away, I’d make damn sure of it considering the feelings involved.
Thats not her in the first picture. Thats Unite my hatred’s sister. Shes in the 2nd pic. Im on the right in the first pic
LOL, that makes sense now. I dunno, she doesn’t seem like my physical type, but that is a horrible angle (I thought girls had this down to a hair now).
She looks more than a bit overweight to me.

If you’re not attracted to her, you’re not attracted to her. Plain and simple. don’t waste your time or hers.
Personally I don’t find you shallow or in the wrong. She’s not a "little overweight," she’s fat. I don’t respect that nor would I be attracted to it either, no matter what her personality.

I find it shallow to date someone solely based on ther looks (i.e. "that girl is a 10. She’s dumb a rocks and annoying…but a 10, and I’ll never get hotter).

You can’t help what you are attracted to. Never settle for anyone just because you are lonely or don’t think you can do any better.

I would steer clear from her, if her dad hung himself doesn’t mean you have to date her out of pity. my advice: don’t get involved not even one bit. Seriously.
people who keep in shape may be implicilty vain, but i’d prefer a girl with some vanity over one with poor self-discipline.
I’d stay away from that…. You could do much better
you’re definitely better looking than her.
she actually has a cute face though.. if she lost some weight i think she could be pretty hot.

Fuck yeah.

Would it be shallow to date someone based on the fact that I think our babies would be gorgeous? I mean, thats kinda natural instinct, isn’t it?

don’t go out with her because her dad killed himself

also, if you aren’t attracted to her, then you aren’t attracted to her. That’s the way it is

I’ve noticed many people who go a long long time without sex suddenly seem to raise their standards. Do you watch a lot of porn?

going out with someone soley because of their appearance is shallow, but it’s a valid criteria to date someone.
Looks can change, personality is the long term trait I’d be looking at. I guess at your age, looks played a bigger role in it than it does at my age now. Obviously, you have to be somewhat attracted to her. I mean, if you think shes ugly, shes ugly, and it won’t work. But, she doesn’t seem "ugly" to me, so if she has a great personality, Id stay friends with her and see where it goes. Heres a fun little thing from my graduating class from my old middle school in NY.

Hot chicks everyone wanted to date:
Chick 1: Has a mustache now. seriously.
Chick 2: Boney and anorexic looking.
Chick 3, 4, 5, and 6: Single, drinking every night.

"Ugly" chicks no one wanted.
Chick 1: Very pretty, married, 1 kid
Chick 2: Was fat, but lost a ton of weight. looks good.
Chick 3: Married to a good looking guy
Chick 4: Ugly turned into exotic model looking.

So, I wouldn’t base your jugement solely on her weight. I mean, you can lose weight. Maybe shes insecure about her weight, maybe she wants to lose weight, maybe she would be interested in playing tennis, going to the gym, or eating at an organic restaurant sometimes. I’m not saying date her and try to turn her skinny, but I’m saying chances are, she isn’t happy with her weight, and if you look past that and it turns out she’d love to have a gym partner or a tennis partner, maybe she could lose some weight. Once again though, I’m not saying date her and try to get her to go to the gym right away as a prerequisite….

Dating someone hoping they’ll change is always a recipe for disaster, no matter what the circumstances.

If he feels no attraction for her, then he should not date her. Be friends? Certainly. If at a later time an attraction develops, then he should date her.

.

. For the rest as well
don’t do it
i did it once trying to be a nice guy
we knew alot of the same people and i became the asshole that just fucked their friend and didnt care about her

bad news either way, once you realize its not what YOU want its too late to get out of it easy lol

Yep. Been there done that

Didn’t end badly for anyone. Just don’t go there. Unless there is some physical, as well as mental/emotional connection it will not end well.
If you feel shes great in all other aspects and her looks are the ONLY reason holding you back, in my opinion thats a bit shallow, but like i said, in my opinion. You cant help who you are attracted to. I personally think there is more to a person than looks.

Now if (not saying this is the case in your situation) if someone wont date another person, even though they like them and there is an attraction, but because they think they will get shit from others as the person they like is not up to societies standards, thats bullshit.

I think shes cute.

your second case does denote shallowness. The first case doesn’t. Someone’s appearance is a prime factor in whether or not you find them attractive. If you don’t, then it’s not shallow to not want to date them. Why on earth would someone date someone they weren’t attracted to?

The only reasons I can think of for that are all shallow reasons (money, etc).

In your second case, where someone likes and is attracted to someone, but won’t date them because they’re worried what others think, then that is shallow (in most cases).
oh, and I think she’s horrendously ugly and wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole
No problem here; half of my criteria for someone is based entirely on looks.

Haha, coming from the guy with the pinkey anime chick that looks like she was attacked by a bag of skittles in his avatar, lol.

anime?

Also, you should see my fiancee

You’re attracted or you’re not. Even if their looks are the sole factor holding you back, if you just don’t find yourself interested in them, then you don’t. There’s no shallowness to that.

If he hated everything else about her BUT her looks, THAT would be shallow.

She’s kinda gross, by the way.

Who cares if you’re shallow or not. You only live once so do what makes you happy. Just be nice to her and be a friend. But you really should take her pics off this forum. She’ll probably never see them but you never know whose on this forum that may no her through school or whatever.

k

since this is the Asylum, he’s relatively safe

It’s the principle of that matter. Do you really think she’d want her picture on a public forum like this on the net? Chances are she wouldn’t so it’s disrespectful to do so.
NEVER pity date anyone, for any reason. It just wastes both your time and the other person’s, and someone ends up getting hurt. With her father having just passed away, this is the worst time to even get involved in anyway.
Not dating her based on looks alone is the most shallow, fucked up thing ever.

Looks shouldn’t matter. Hang out with her. Get to know her. If you like her PERSONALITY then date her for that. Looks will fade… You could date a skinny 10 and after a year she could gain weight, stop wearing makeup and "let herself go" or that same skinny chick could have a world of issues and you could find her in a puddle of vomit on your bathroom floor. Dating a chubby chick with low self esteem will actually help IMPROVE her self esteem and who knows, she could be hot in a few years but why the fuck does it matter?

I hate shallow OTers.
Also ask yourself this – Are you worried about YOURSELF getting judged for liking/dating a "fat chick" or are you honestly not attracted to anything about her?

it’s not shallow to not date someone you feel no attraction for. Yes, personality matters – a lot. I’d say it matters more than appearance, but appearance does matter.

Would you date a really nice guy if he never showered, wiped his ass or cut his hair?

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I’m dying inside. I am lonely. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up almost a year ago and it broke my heart. It was a mutual thing, tried to work through some bumps in our relationship but it wasn’t working out. We ended it on good terms. We were together for 7 years. I thought she was my soul mate.

Here I am a year later, so depressed and sad. I do my basic day to day things (take care of my house, laundry, take care of my dog, talk to family members and a few close friends, go to work) and every so often go out for some drinks with co-workers and friends. I try and get out there, get noticed and just feel things out. I am not used to this "single" thing so I am not the most open person. Unless I really feel comfortable (or have some beers in me) I won’t go up to a girl unless I know there is interest.

I thought there was some interest from a girl at work (I posted a thread about this) but I’m not really sure. She’s a little younger (about 5 years) and she works for me. She goes away to college so this doesn’t seem to have any serious relationship potential.

Either way, I have come to the realization tonight that I am depressed. I always have bags under my eyes, I never want to get out of bed, I usually just want to be alone and I miss that companionship you get from a relationship. I’m sure there are others out there that have gone through this and I’m just curious how to get out of this. I’ve already got the "just get out there, stop talking to the ex" bit and for the most part I don’t talk to my ex all that much. We were best friends prior to being boyfriend/girlfriend so it’s not that easy.

I am sorry for such a long post but I am at a loss here. I feel like i’m wearing my body away and I do not feel healthy (I’ve lost about 20 lbs over the last 4 months) … I am 6’1" and I went from about 205 to 185.

185 at 6’1 isn’t really bad, but that’s besides the point.

You told me in your last thread that you aren’t trying to put yourself out there. Like I said before, you can’t just go home or go to work and expect your next love interest to fall in your lap. Life is not that easy and you need to get that through your head.

Do you have any friends? If not, that’s the first thing you need to work on. If you do have friends you need to get out of your house some nights.

I really appreciate you always responding to my posts.

I have been going out a bit more lately. I guess I feel like I should be going out all the time. I’d say at least 1-2 nights a week I go get dinner/drinks with co-workers and friends. I spend alot of time with my family (parents, grandparents, sisters, nieces, nephews, etc). I am very close with my family and like to spend as much time with them as possible.

I understand that love isn’t going to fall in my lap. I guess I just don’t know "how to meet that next special person" because I am too closed in or those I do find myself a bit interested in (work) are just a bit to far fetched.

Well that’s good. Hell sometimes I’m lucky if I get out one night a week, then again when I was single I probably went out a little more. But anywho, I think it’s also great that you are family-oriented, says a lot about your character, but unfortunately I’m sure you know hanging with them also doesn’t get you women.

When you go out for drinks to socialize withyour friends do you go to nearby bars/restuarants? Do you tend to just stay put right in your own little group of friends? Branch out a little. Either try to strike up a conversation with a girl in the bar you find attractive or suggest a better bar

Have any hobbies?

Thanks for the suggestions. I am heavily into sports (playing them, watching them, etc). Honestly, that’s one of the qualities this girl at my work has. She is very into sports (watching, playing, etc) and I love that about her. I am an active person (or try to be). I try to take care of myself, eat healthy, etc. Most of the time it works but sometimes it doesn’t.

What sports do you like to play? Do you ever actually play them?

My bf goes to the gym and plays random guys in racquetball. He also found an adult baseball league and we did an adult kickball league. Al very fun and great ways to meet people.
Get into some co-ed sports..weather it be softball or frisbee it’s a pretty good way to meet some people. Some coed teams get pretty serious but most of them just turnout to be big drunkfests.
Try to focus on why you broke up whenever you get depressed rather than all of the good times. I know it’s harder than it sounds but if you really focus on it, you keep from getting as down. Seven years is a long time to be with someone so I think it’s natural to still get down about. Keep your head up and you’ll be in my thoughts!

Thanks for the positive response. I play pretty much any and all sports from basketball, softball, football and tennis. It’s hard to find enough people to play all of them but most of the sports I play end up being with a bunch of guys. That’s great if you’re just looking to hang out but not for anything more than that.

It’s depressing because I was a big part of why we broke up. Our relationship wasn’t doing to well and I made a poor decision with another girl (I did not sleep with her). It was a weak point in our relationship and I made a very bad decision. The saying, "You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone" couldn’t be more on point in my situation. I took my girlfriend and our relationship for granted. I assumed it would always be there and I didn’t have to try anymore and this is what gets me down.

I’ve explored around and checked the online dating sites, I look around when going out to eat and going to different places with friends and I just try and picture myself with any of the girls that I see. I find myself constantly comparing them to my ex and it never works out.

Thanks for all the helpful responses.

hey man what happened in the past doesnt matter anymore dont need to dwell on it. all u can do is learn from it and advance. but seriously dont push yourself into NEEDING a relationship. i was in youre position at one point in my life and i realized that theres more to life than just a relationship. go do the things you like and eventually you will find someone compatible with you. its actually alot more simple than u think it is haha.

And I’m dead serious when I say start searching the internet for adult sports leagues in your area. You’d be shocked most likely at how many you find. And after that, start hitting Daytona Beach. You said you are close by and I mean my god…Florida is one of the best places in the world to meet hot half naked women on the beach in the summer!

You dont (and shouldn’t) jump into another serious relationship. Your last relationship was long enough and most likely the only one you’ve ever had. You just need to realize how many women are out there and how fun it is to date numerous one’s; guilt-free!

the solution is to start getting outside the house and do activities you enjoy. Hiking, rock climbing, biking, etc, whatever. You need to learn to enjoy your own company again. Once you’ve done this, finding another girl won’t be that hard

Thanks. You’re absolutely right. I have good days and bad days. Some times I have the energy to go out and do these things and some days I just want to stay in bed all day and not talk to anyone.

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my last job i worked at a bakery and whenever someone was showing me stuff they would give the look

one time someone was explaining to me very long windedly how to mix ingredients, and afterwards i just said "wum"

ever since then people started calling me wum or wummy, or mr. wumbles.

if someone tells a joke they make sure to explain to it me, or they don’t tease me like the others like i’m retarded or something.

one of the ladies even hugged once for no reason

what’s up with that?
maybe you come off as stupid, slow, and perhaps slightly mentally challenged? that’s a serious answer.

Well, I guess the first question is are you retarded? No, just kidding.

Are you the youngest?

watch this, are you kevin?

not the youngest at work but i am the youngest in the family

maybe people are reading my body language wrong?

I’m not super duper expressive. whenever someone talks to me i just look at them and let them get it all out rather than nodding my head like a chipmunk.

maybe they’re reading your body language wrong, or maybe your body language is wrong. if someone is nodding their head and saying "oh yeah that makes sense", then typically i don’t have to worry about whatever i’m explaining. if they’re just standing there, their eyes glazed over, deer in the headlights look…. i’ll probably re-explain things, or ask them if they understand.

ask your coworkers, they may be able to give you a better idea of whats going on. seeing as how 99% of OT has never met you, and no idea how you are in social interaction.

My guess?

You come across as being immature, insecure, or otherwise incapable of handling yourself or doing things yourself.

Stop focusing on HOW other people treat you, and focus on WHY they treat you this way.

But generally, people are protective of others because they seem like they need it.
at you being kevin

edit: forgot the actual input. if you just stare at someone, they are likey to think you dont understand or dont care. real world is about people skills, even if you arent 100% comfortable acting like everyone esle, you will have to learn it eventually
mods, I just realized this is the vaginarium. Can this be moved to the Asylum please

I wondered that too… it’s not really a response.
That’s how I’m like. Nobody knows how to diagnose it but the closest thing they’ve come up with is a mild form of aspergers. People don’t treat me like that so much anymore now that I’m older…they expect me to have grown out of it or just think that I’m a little off. So embrace it while it lasts
Since I don’t know you irl and have nothing to go off of besides your many threads I am thinking of a recent one where you asked people if they preferred a very expressive person versus one that comes off almost socially and emotionally retarded. In other words, it sounds like you come off almost ignorant. Maybe you don’t realize it, but you possibly make dumb expressions or have made dumb decisions in your past and now people treat you so

From the way you describe your body language, I would assume you were slow or at very least socially awkward if I randomly met you in the street. I work with a kid who is in fact very intelligent, interesting, and an incredible artist. However, he gives off this aura of an awkward lack of any self-confidence. He talks very quietly, never separates his teeth while talking, and many of his mannerisms and his body language are off.

Everyone at first thinks he’s odd, girls don’t go for him ever – even though, despite all this, he’ll still try to flirt with them – but once someone gets to know them, they develop a sort of babying, protecting friendship with him. Seriously, I wish I had the balls to tell him that until he changes his mannerisms, he’s going to be left in the dust socially.

I think there’s a parallel here: it seems either by difficulty or unwillingness to adapt to generally accepted social behaviors – you negatively describe nodding as squirrel-like, for example, yet this is a very normal action – you are alienating yourself from your would-be peers. At this point, it seems as though you have a decision to make: assimilate normal social behavior and be socially accepted, or continue to ignore it and be coddled by others who you’ve unwittingly convinced to think you have a deficiency of some sort.

The chipmunk reference alarms me, it leads to me think that perhaps you’re scared of losing some of your identity by adopting the body language that everyone else uses. I honestly hope, for your sake, that you are not so naive. Your body language is a communication tool, similar to language; would you define yourself largely by the language you speak? I’d hope no one would define themselves by language; how boring would you have to be for that to be a noteworthy characteristic? Just as someone wanting to be taken more seriously would work on their spelling or grammar, if you’re deficient in your usage of body language, you should seek to improve it. No one improves grammar or spelling by inventing it on their own; they instead adopt the generally accepted rules. Why not do the same with body language?
So I’m curious about the normal, socially competent crowd…did you become that way by just acting or copying everyone else around you?

Because when I do that it is extremely mentally exhausting. I hear from others though that being social is quite energizing.

I’m not sure if you’re mocking or serious, but I’ll go ahead and hope you’re serious so that I don’t look like a buffoon lol . I would venture a guess that it’s like any other learned behavior or language. Initially you internalize the rules – which seem unfamiliar and confusing at first, as you lack a total understanding of the rules – of the behavior by mimicry. Soon, you become familiar with the rules and begin to understand why and how they apply to situations. Eventually you come to a point where you have become comfortable and adept enough to bend the rules to suit your style and individuality.

This is just my personal opinion, put together after no more than a few minutes thought, and I am by no means qualified to make any of these opinions, lol. However, after reflection, my answer to you would be that yes, social behavior is at first mimicked, after which it is then understood and later individualized and improvised.

Thanks, that makes more sense. And yes, I was serious
The youngest in the family often get babied and too many things are done for them.

My family did it in the form of put downs. i.e.

"lets wait for your father/brother to make sure you did it right"
"no, you don’t know how to do it, ill do it"

etc.

You end up not knowing how to act up and get things done or how to stand up for yourself because you are convinced everybody knows how to do stuff better than you.

I’d recommend you just go out and do things. Preferably things where you can learn a skill. Good things to try might be woodworking, car repair, guns, cooking etc. Individual or 2 man sports like tennis, boxing, wrestling, etc are also good ways to build up your confidence and trust in your own abilities.

Also, learn about body language. Doing things like standing and waiting for someone to show you what to do will elicit protective or domineering emotions in people. Don’t stand at attention infront of someone like you are a private getting a talking to from his captain. Move about freely and don’t look to people constatnly for direction.

I was just confused. it’s an exclamation in the place of fuck, shit, etc.

wum? that’s funny… just say fuck or shit next time. People know how to react to fuck and shit… they don’t know how to react to ‘wum’…
1. Wum 6 up, 79 down
Exclamation expressing any emotion.
"You suck!"

"Wum."

In regards to being social and feeling energized, those people are most likely more extroverted than introverted. They gain energy from social situations. They start to feel tired when they are left alone.

You seem like a highly introverted person. These people get tired by social situations and gain energy when they’re alone.

I’m personally more introverted than extroverted, but I’ve learned that I just need to keep forcing myself into social situations. It definately gets better with practice, but I still feel like I have to get away and "recharge" occasionally because of my introverted nature. Don’t use your introversion as an excuse, learn to work past it and force yourself to be more social. You obviously are having problems with this so you need to fix those problems.

yea, pay attention to that 79 down rating
My best friend, I love the guy to death, but whenever I try telling him something or explaining something to him he responds with a really unsure "uh..huh" and stares blankly at me. I can’t tell if he understood what I said, or if that’s just his way of him confirming. Sometimes I’ll say a very short statement that doesn’t warrant a conclusion and he’ll respond with another "go on"-like gesture as if I wasn’t finished. He’s seriously the only person I know like this and its weird because he seems to get worse as we get older. He’s a smart guy too.
It seems people think you are an idiot of sorts, perhaps they think it’s one of those million conditions. You seem capable on a message board, except the fact that you do not have an avatar.

I think you are speaking from your head all the time. You do not speak from your heart. Are you passionate about anything? Or is life just a chore for you?

You need to speak from the heart. It gets people’s attention and is more "real".

First off, self observation, observing yourself from instant to instant, the relation between you and the object, while also observing the object. This is nothing passive, it is entirely active. That way you can learn about yourself.

Also, listen to classical music and stray from Afro-Caribbean music. Listen to it consciously, and also Native American flutes, Tibetan music, etc is also full of heart stimulating vibrations.

The lunar mind only reflects what is in the heart. The heart is like the sun and lights up the world.

I ususally cant stand anything you say, but this made me lol

Yeah I’m pretty introverted. When I go into social situations, especially with a group and I’m giving it my all and people in that group are doing much better than me, it’s really frustrating and discouraging. Once in a blue moon the opposite will happen and I’ll be the one commanding everyone’s attention, but overall I’m probably batting .100. And the even more frustrating part is when the stars seem like they are aligned and I am doing everything right and I’m feeling great, except it’s just not working and people aren’t responding positively.
I love all the pseudo-therapists on OT trying to diagnose this individual as if he’s sick or something.

Are you sure he isn’t doing Homer Simpson imitations?

I stray from the pack

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If this goes wrong and I lose too much range of motion, I won’t be able to pursue the career I want.
good luck.. i know how the night before surgery feels

Thanks. I know I’m over reacting to it, but I just keep thinking, what if what if what if something goes wrong and I lose range too much range of motion. I want to be a career fire fighter one day and that would be impossible without full function of my arm. What’s worse is it would be a lifestyle change because the operation is on my right arm and I’m right handed

I just had knee surgery last week and tried to act like the surgery wasn’t happening.

Worked pretty well. Just woke up, got dressed and stayed stoic and retarded. I did cry a bit when nobody was looking though.

Buut I know what you’re dealing with. Nobody knee what was wrong with my knee and the surgery didn’t do much, just removed floating cartilage. Still doesn’t explain why it was insanely hard to walk at times.

I’m just praying that physical therapy will heal things. It all you really can do ya know.

Thanks….I just got home and my arm is completely useless right now….the doc said that there was more damage then he expected and we’re going to have to see how things are over the next ten days. I’m scared

If they sent you home surely it can’t be that bad, right? You’ll probably be okay.
I know it’s hard… But you can only wait now, try not to think too much about it.

Bear in mind that the doctor is in a position where it is better for him to be pestimistic at this stage then optimistic.

Think about it like this.
He sends you home and tells you what he told you.
You sit tight for 10 days, you are gentle as all out, you go back to his office, he x-rays you and says, ‘Excellent prognosis. In 6 months you will be playing tennis.’.

This presents zero problems for the doctor. I mean, you aren’t going to get pissy over that.

But – if the doctor said to you, ‘Hey your surgery went well, you will be playing tennis in 6 months’ before he sent you home and then 10 days later said to you, ‘ummm I need to backtrack. Looks to me like you might have problems with the full range of motion…’ you are liable to freak the hell out.

So the doctor is in a situation where he is better off being just a bit pessimistic.
With the threat of malpractice and such over every doctors shoulders I really can’t blame them from being this way.

Sit tight, enjoy the pain pills, find someone to be at your beck and call.
In 10 days you will get a much more straight up answer then what you got straight out of surgery.

My Dr was way optimistic.

He told me I’d be fine to walk after the surgery and nearly 2 weeks later I’m still on crutches.

But your physical therapy is going to be the most important part of everything now. Find a good one, and don’t scream at him when he makes you do shit that hurts.
if you have a good doctor and get rehab afterwards, you should be fine.
people have full shoulder replacements and what not and can gain full ROM back after weeks of therapy.

physical therapy is crucial on the shoulder i must say though it’s tough, but listen to your therapist and you should be good
I had my labrum reattached (75% dettachment) along with a slap lesion (50% of depth) on my rotator cuff repaired and the best thing you can do is follow the prescriptive rehab to the dot. Follow through on your rehab with a PT and do everything they direct you to.

I wasn’t supposed to able to snatch ever again and now I can do about 100 kilos and keep getting stronger. I had my surgery about two years ago and for about a year I couldn’t do shit. But, all the hard work paid off. The first six months will suck, but after that it gets much better.
So how did it go? Hope it wasn’t as nerve wracking as you expected

The doc said there was a lot more damage than he thought so it took longer to fix than he expected. Beyond that, I can’t really give many details…I’m cooped up in bed trying to relax and stretching out my shoulder as much as I can…I go back next week and that’s when I find out everything
doctors and surgeons say that on purpose to make you more optimistic and encouraged to get it better. i had an acl reconstruction back in november and my surgeon fed me all those lines too. i was off my crutches and walking 2 full weeks before he thought i would. physical therapy IS going to hurt, im not gonna bullshit you. i came home from it some days and puked because it hurt so bad. that was also in part to the fact i wasnt taking alot of my pills, just so i could eval and see how much better i was getting by myself, without the help of pain meds. but the therapy, aside from the pain, will help you tremendously,not just physically, but mentally also. it makes you feel better about yourself seeing how much more you can do everday after therapy. thats about all i have though. dont get down on yourself when you start using the arm again just because you cant do a whole lot with it, keep pushing yourself and it will come back.
Hope your healing goes quickly!! Only thing I can tell you is to do all those exercises that pt gives you to do at home. When I had knee surgery I didn’t do them and getting back to normal took for.ev.er. Next time I had surgery I did all the at home exercises and I did a lot better.

Good luck!!

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