It is hard because I am not always depressed or irrational. I think it is anxiety. I know I am getting better but I worry it is only temporary and that I think is kind of showing how this whole thing works.

I don’t know if this sounds dumb or if anyone can understand but I feel like this irrational, depressed state is like, more normal. I feel odd trying to be happy about things. I don’t like myself a lot of the time when I get too happy because I act like a dumb ass half the time. I like myself but I have horrible self esteem. Does that make sense? Everything seems like a contradiction with me lately.

I decided to write tonight instead of running to my boyfriend to make everything better. I cling to him. It is bad. If I try not to cling it almost makes things worse. The whole day I knew something wasn’t right. When he text me good night I almost lost it and I’m not 100% sure why.

I am getting better and making progress. I don’t want to see someone. When I am happy it is pretty pointless. I have a very hard time talking about my problems. Even something like this takes me forever. Its like I have a million thoughts in my head but I can’t say them. I don’t know if I am too afraid, or if I feel like they have to come out perfect? Is there something in your brain that translates thoughts into words because it feels like that part of me is totally broken.

I used to fight with my ex when we were going out and everything I said wasn’t literal. I would say he was yelling at me because he was mad and lecturing towards me and he would take it as voice level and correct me. Stuff like that, constantly, made me second guess my speech and eventually he would frustrate me to not saying much of anything.. Fights turned into lots of silence with little exchange and I hated it. The problem is I do it now and I see my boyfriend getting mad at the silence just like I did. He wouldn’t correct me like that. He isn’t as literal. I don’t know why I do it.

I don’t feel like my last relationship was good for me. Honestly I don’t feel like I was appreciated like I should have been. I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend now. I miss my ex and I don’t know why really. I don’t like, miss him like heres a hug and a kiss lets stare into each others eyes. I miss the friendship we had. I miss how it felt to come back to Rockford and sit in his living room on his couch with him and do whatever. I miss how last Halloween we decorated his house and watched a movie while trick or treaters came up to the door. I miss his cat soooo fucking much I loved her. I miss a lot about him. It feels sooo fucking awful to say that because I never want to go back with him and that feels awful too. When we broke up I was convinced he was the only one.

Its too much to handle. The other day he wrote about how awful his life has become. He told me he missed me. I think maybe in a lose sense looking at a profile of mine set him off. I don’t think he meant, I miss you and I know I can’t have you. I think he just misses me and I can feel his point so well.

He could be such a fucking asshole. He really could sometimes. I want to tell him that. I want to tell him how bad he hurt my feelings sometimes and he doesn’t deserve me. I want to tell him no girl should be treated that way for some of the things he did. But then there is this totally extreme opposite end where we kind of clicked in a whole different way than my current boyfriend. It is like two way different situations and I like the one I have better now so I don’t know what it going on.

Sometimes I just want time to think but in taking that time I am potentially like…… Hurting things. Tonight I really want to talk to my ex. Last night I did too and I don’t know why. I don’t want to see him I just want to talk.

I guess I am worried this is one of my episodes.. I am just depressed again and I am not thinking clearly. If my boyfriend was here I think I would be happy which I hate. Why would him being here suddenly change how I feel. Why do I want to talk to my ex?

I think I really need friends to talk to about stuff.. But I don’t have any.. My one friend I could talk to I don’t want to because she is kind of over opinionated and doesn’t hold back things.. Last time she gave me her opinion of someone, which no one else agreed with, it hurt my feelings a lot and kind of damaged our friendship. I don’t want to throw anything out there and I don’t know that I always trust her opinions.

I just need to vent about this.. I mean I want to hear what anyone has to say about it but maybe getting it out to someone will help me. I don’t know why I chose to say what I did about my ex.. I guess maybe that is an issue I don’t talk about much.. I’m not always upset about that…. But I guess I am now because I am crying about it to you all.

Thanks for listening.
Imagine yourself a cave with a lake in it, the surface of the water is totally undisturbed. This is the perfect emotional state of a human being to be in, not like a boat on a raging storm being swept away towards all sides.

The way to achieve this is to lead a stable life. You are unstable because you are insecure, but what is insecurity, it is a lack of direction. You need to think more in black and white, although its true there is a grey area that area is most of the times insignificant in life.

There are only three directions in life, down where death lies, stay where you are and go in circles, or up where an improved life lies ahead, the first 2 are worthless and lead to nowhere, this is important because it means you can set the course of your life, to the only direction that is valuable ,namely upwards towards into progress. It doesn’t matter from there on wether you win or lose in life, you simply keep on following the positive course, that way you can ALWAYS be confident no matter what happens, because you know that going for gold in your life is the only right way to live.

So the only direction you need to go is UP.

Previously in order to fill up your lack of direction you clinged onto your bf, you tried to steer away from that unsuccesfully because you keep seeking confirmation of your life in others. No more.

You need a life of your own. But how? You need a foundation of yourself, you need to establish yourself as the person that you are, and the good thing is you are yourself already. And as time passes by , life will chisel you into the person that you are, your experiences belong to you. Meaning you are your own person, who doesn’t have to cling to others. You see, you can love others, but they aren’t your prisoners,you can’t hold them captive. You therefore need to come to the understanding that, although you can share your life with someone, in reality everyone is walking their own path in life.

I don’t suffer from insecurity because i have a ‘do or die’ approuch. I mean in life you an only ‘try to make the best of the situation’ , what more can you ask from yourself?,nothing so that’s why you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, rather you just go for gold in life, and even if you do the wrong thing and so to speak die in the process, you learn from that and you’ll move on to make an even stronger come back. This is why you never have to be insecure. Life is pretty much like a boxing game, what point is there to be afraid getting hurt, You are going to be hurt for sure by the opponent called life, so might as well give it your all, and land as many punches as you
can back on your opponent.
I can’t offer any good support right now because we’re both depressed as fuck but you’re not the only one out there. Keep your head up and try not to be as hard on yourself.

I completely agree with you sadly. It’s not normal to be like this. It is normal to be happy…or not happy but at least not sad. Just like content with life and happy in the way you’re going and the future it holds. I think if you have a plan for your life and are working towards accomplishing your goals that you will be much happier in life.
I think you are right about making my own life. I have been working on it and I am improving a lot in doing so but saying it again helps reinforce that for me.

Sometimes I think of myself as totally portable.. Like.. I used to pack a million things to go someplace because I worried I wouldn’t have something I needed when I got there. Sometimes I go someplace with nothing and it feels good. That may sound so dumb but it helps distinguish me as a person. I no longer depend on things and I can let go. Thinking about that, or being reminded of that, makes me feel better actually. Its like all I really need is myself at times and anything I need beyond that will work its way out.
I just depend so much on others for everything, and when I try not to the anxiety overwhelms me. In class I started to try and let go, if I fail I fail. In my art I have a much harder time doing that. My life is kind of like my art. I never "finish" anything because it is always too light. I am afraid to commit to drawing anything dark because I might ruin it all. Which makes sense because my one studio class I hate now because it makes me sad when I am there. I just now kind of figured out why. It frustrates me.. It defeats me… Just like depending on my boyfriend defeats me.. Or not having my own life defeats me.. I dunno.. I guess just let go.. but that is so much easier said than done.

I think for me it is best not to think about the future. I want the future so bad because I feel like in many ways it will help me. I have no doubt the future will be a better, all around change for me from my present conditions. I wont have to rely on unstable circumstances. I can build a life around me because I will have a basis to do so whether I have someone else in it or not.

However I get caught up in this future life I lose sight of now. I contrast and it puts now in a dark spot. But at least I know life will in ways be easier later for my whole life if I stay on track and finish out school whether I use my degree or not.. I will always have it. And you will always manage to find a way through life right?

I think the majority of my previous posts were made before I came to the conclusion that I have to stop worrying about things I can’t change in the present because it was about the future. Now it hits me that I have no present really because I always looked at the future. Oddly you do have to work at having a life.. It doesn’t just happen.. I don’t know.. At least I think that is kind of weird. When you are little you just think of life as something that just happens.. But life was easier then too I guess.. Life was new and exciting with less to worry about and more to do..

Now I’m rambling.. But thank you I agree, life should be this medium where you can stop and recognize you are sad or happy in the moment. Not an emotional whirlpool like I am right now. The future does look promising and I am proud of my choices. I just have to get there..
I think we’re in similar situations. Stuck looking into the future when our present time needs the fixing. We are both kind of upset with where our lives have gone after getting out of our childish "fake world" and entered the "real world" as young adults. I also kind of feel the same about college/degree….not sure if I will even use it, but I feel like in today’s world you NEED it if you are planning on being successful. Not saying that if you don’t have it, you will be unsuccessful, but it is a good boost in the right direction. The hard part though is finishing college and getting through it all. But all that is FUTURE, we kind of need to worry…well not worry, we need to not worry but work on improving our present time and make our lifes as happy as possible by doing things we enjoy. Mix together things you HAVE TO DO, in order to benefit your future (work, go to school, pay rent, etc.) but also include things you WANT TO DO (go walking, biking, talk to friends, party…in moderation. I think that could be yours and mine problem, we need to introduce into our lives positive things that we want to do in order to relieve the stress of the things we have to do in order to support our future.

I hope that makes sense. I’m really fucked up right now…depression, night time, and popped some pills, sadly…I need to get help.

Oh and whenever I talk to people about personal things, I like to introduce myself.

I’m Dietrich, what’s your name?

I am Allison. I think we are in a similar boat in that aspect. Its just hard for me to be happy about doing things I like. I could make time to go walking even if it meant penciling it in sadly.. But I don’t know if it would make me happy anymore. It wouldn’t make me happy unless it was with someone else.
Maybe I am a lost cause and I was made to hang off of other people but I really hope not. I think I am going to borrow a computer game or something from someone and play that in down time. I know gaming isn’t the most highly looked upon hobby but I guess that is caring what other people think. I used to play the sims and I got into it for a chunk of time. If I had something more fun in my free time I might not wander so much in thought?
Games are fun. I would play games but I feel like I never have time. I feel that my day is so short and so much time is spent doing things that aren’t benefiting my life going forward positively. Well they do benefit me because they have to be done but I hate doing them. Things that waste my time: running, lifting, eating, showering, laundry, cleaning my room. All of those things combined probably eat up 4-5 hours of my day, every day. They are necessities in my life but if I didnt do them I could accomplish a lot more in life.

Games do help you kind of step out of the real world though. I used to play WoW when I was a nerd and it helped me detach from my fucked up life and have fun every night.
You sound like my fiance & I combined … he’s got the crazy manic episodes & the depressive periods. I had the ex who I clicked with but who was an intolerable dick.

He’s sensitive about his speech, too. Definite self confidence issue.

You’re a worthwhile person. You’re strong. You may not feel it but these ups & downs don’t make you weak. The racing thoughts that you can’t get out of your mouth/fingertips are just you trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense. Fragments of thoughts & feelings that aren’t being put together. The anxiety that comes between the highs & lows pushes you to frantically take in details from your environment – but for what purpose? None. It’s a natural response but in the wrong context. It’s more of an emergency response but the off switch isn’t there for you so you become emotionally exhausted until depressed, sleep some of it off & feel ok for a while before something sets off the crazy anxiety response & you start again. Run-on sentences, oh my.

The best way to deal is to keep your adrenaline up. The more often you’re able to channel that anxiety into something active that energy will be used in a more appropriate manner & thus won’t drive you so crazy.

As for the men – if they don’t fulfill your needs then why carry on? If you’re not getting what you need then of course you’ll be depressed. You know you’re doing something that’s not right for you & that’s not a happy thing.

It always hurts to be alone but if you cut yourself off from opportunity you’ll never be able to take on the best options available to you. Talk to people. It may feel fake & awkward but if you succeed in keeping up with a few people you increase the possibility that they could introduce you to Mr. Right. That’s what happened to my fiance & I, anyway. I got in touch w/an old friend from HS online. My fiance worked w/her husband. They invited him over, introduced us & we were instantly inseparable. We each needed companionship & were able to fulfill that need for one another.

Sorry if what I wrote is way off base.
I just had the shittiest night like.. I am so down right now. I wish people didn’t have to feel. I know people would be like.. happiness is a feeling but if you didn’t know what you were missing… I don’t know…

I am happy with my boyfriend… I just want to be alone and that is probably the dumbest thing for me to say right now. I kind of in a way need him more than ever but I just drift myself farther away and make it worse.

Being without him would feel horrible. I’d probably fuck more up than do good and I don’t want to lose him. My ex lost me that way. It isn’t fair to take breaks to either person. I just… want to stop thinking..
It’s more important that you’re fair to yourself. If you really want to get past whatever’s going on w/you you’ve GOT to set some priorities to follow through with & they need to be in your own best interest – not tied to what you think other people need.

Related posts:

1. Subconsciously dealing with emotions Well, Im at it again, apparently. Ive been having an...
2. living in the "moment" with emotions I’ve learned a lot of things about myself in the...

Sigh, I guess it might just be the change in my environment. I’m a freshman in high school and it’s so easy to just be hanging out with people and just completely forget about the work. I used to be able to push myself all the time in HS because there were fewer distractions. Guess I’ll just have to adopt work then play instead of play then work. Unfortunately, that’s gonna kill my social life as I’ll be in the library most of the time. Plus some days I barely even have time to do anything else but study. I am trying to train for a 5 mile race in March but its just not happening. I ran xc and track in HS and worked hard in those but right now, I just have no more motivation.

Oh well, I guess grades are the most important thing.

EDIT: I also realized that I don’t get satisfaction out of accomplishing anything anymore. I used to feel great satisfaction when I’d get a good grade or finish a hard workout or do anything correctly, but now I don’t really feel anything when I do these things. Hell, I’ve lost interest in most things even the ones I used to love doing. I feel very all the time.
Do u mean ur a freshman in college cuz u said u were already in highschool?

Either way ur ahead of most people with the college thing. Ur gonna have ur bad days, take em in. When u can def go for a run tho. Clears ur mind and vents out energy

Doh, stupid mistake. I’m a freshman in college. I have been trying to get in a run everyday now. I still am having problems with motivation though. I just don’t get the same sense of satisfaction that I used to get from HS. In HS, I was working towards the goal of getting into a good college which seemed to motivate me. But right now, I just don’t have any motivation to do anything because I no longer get the good feelings associated with completing them. I feel like it’s just work after work after work and after school it’ll be the same, working constantly (since it seems like the good jobs require you to work 80+ hours) with no end in sight.
once u slack off once its a slippery slope from there. try to keep on pace no matter what.
Try exercising ‘completing long term projects’, it will help you train into doing things over prolonged periods of time.

Related posts:

1. I need motivation to get better. My life is so dull and boring. I feel a...
2. Man I just have no motivation these days… I’m going to be a senior in college with decent...

You need to get into the state of mind that your education is important and is costing you or your parents a shitload of money. While you may not be making the payments now, when you are outta school and cant land a job because you performed poorly in school you will kick yourself in the teeth for squandering your education over an extra hour of sleep.

I wake up at 515am every morning for my job and aside from some tea or an energy drink, making a living is motivation enough for me.
i literally throw myself out of bed. my alarm goes off twice, once for me to semi wake up and hit snooze, the 2nd time for me to really get up. i dont really open my eye until after i go to the bathroom and brush my teeth. it never has gotten any easier for me, and the fact that its completely dark at 6am makes it even worse right now
I want to do good in school, so I have no choice some days
I do well in school though haha, thats the funny part. And it’s me who is paying for it. I receive $0 from my parents.

I guess its just because it was a stupid class I said fuck it…I wish I had a more important class on T/Th mornings.

Moreso I was just looking for tips on how to wake up…like have a countdown, make coffee/tea/hot chocolate when you wake up, lots of alarms, etc. I have only my phone’s alarm right now and I hate that son of a bitch so much…it just goes beep beep beep. The weird thing is though sometimes I wake up like 5 seconds before it starts to go off.
I was like you once. I thought 9am was "really early". I worked 2nd shift, got up around 10-1030 in the morning, stayed up til midnight.

Guess what time I get up for work now? 5:30. AM. Why? Because I have to be at work at 730, out the door at 630 so I can get to the parking lot and catch the shuttle to work…

Do i wish I could go back? Actually, no. It’s somewhat of a pain to get up, but it’s nice to get out of work at 430 and have time to relax in the evening or be social if I want.

However…it really comes down to age. In college, it’s the norm to sleep in all day and stay up all night. Once you get out of college and working, it’s no longer the norm.

And like someone else said…when you’re working full time, you are motivated to get up for the money and benefits…college is harder because you don’t have any tangible motivators for going to classes.
A stern threat from my department chair did the trick.
Yeah I think it’s because anything before 10 AM in college is like dead. Its completely silent and there is basically no one awake. I hope to take some later classes next quarter. For now, I try to go to bed "early"….early to bed for me is before midnight…that is a rare occassion though.
Because class = a job. And you guys obviously know all about me…lol I didn’t make this thread to get critiqued…I made it for tips on how the fuck to wake up haha.

I thought that would help me when I was a freshman… it only made the problem 10x worse

Yeah ahah then I’d end up sleeping in even later and going to bed even later…fawk. I think once I move out of the dorms and into my apartment I will go to bed earlier…here it seems like there is always something going on at night to keep me up.
I take a nap in the afternoon so for me its just getting through the day
1st alarm is set an hour and a half before I need to get up so I can hit the snooze at least 7 times before I have to drag my fat ass out of bed. 2nd alarm is set to the last possible moment before I have to get up. First alarm is the radio, 2nd is a buzzer.

I HATE that buzzer. I try to make sure I’m up before that fucker goes off

Oh, and I also use one of these when I’m at the SO’s house so I don’t wake him up

When that thing starts vibrating under your pillow, you’ll never get back to sleep.

There are better ones here

yeah that didn’t help either. my neighbors ended up being way too fun.
I’ve trained my body to wake up at the same time everyday, and I NEVER use the snooze button.

My body knows once that alarm goes off I need to get up. As long as your body knows that it needs to start moving once your alarm goes off and you have your alarm set at the same time throughout the week (Including weekends), you don’t even need the alarm anymore

And yes, I’m a college student too… anything before 9 is empty

As a matter of fact, anything before noon is usually empty
Lol, I wake up at like 5:00AM on MWF, 9AM T/Th and then on weekends I have to catch up on sleep and am usually drunk/hungover so I wake up at like 12-2PM.

well, no wonder you can’t get up or sleep.

Find a consistent time that you can get up EVERY day. Your current sleep schedule is confusing as hell for your body.
Today was epic fail. Woke up at 5AM, went running, came back, start doing HW in bed, next thing I know I’m 100% asleep and I wake up at 3PM. SHIT!!!!!!!!

I used to that shit in college. Now I wake up at 5am or 4am everyday. I work 4 days a week at 6am and the day I don’t work I’ll take it easy in the morning, but I make sure to get out of bed. However, my body now wakes up at 5am regardless of alarm clock or not, kind of sucks on vacations.
Here’s the deal.

If you want to wake up early, you have to go to bed early. It really is that simple.

I’ve also read somewhere that the BEST sleep you can get is the sleep you get BEFORE midnight.

I’m in the same boat as you (except I have a job and I don’t sleep in as bad as you do–I’m usually like 15 minutes late for work).

Essentially, it got to the point where my boss had to give me a verabal reprimand and is going through the steps if I fuck up anymore, so I’m FORCED to get up on time or face going down the steps of correction towards getting fired.

Here are the things I’ve done that have worked for me:

1. Buy a new alarm clock. You’ve conditioned yourself to sleep in to your normal alarm clocks, so now you need a new sound that you are going to train yourself to listen to.

2. Go to bed BEFORE midnight NO MATTER WHAT. Seriously, even if it’s 11:30 (which is when I go to bed now), you have no idea the difference that that makes. Like I said, your best sleep is going to happen before midnight, so I suggest going to bed on weeknights as early as 10:30 or 11 PM.

3. Drink two large glasses of water before going to bed. Trust me, this is the most effective thing I’ve done to date. Nothing like having to piss like a ten-peckered billy goat to get you out of bed.

4. Wake up at the same time EVERYDAY. Even on the weekends. Now here’s the trick, on the weekends you don’t have to STAY up, but you do have to wake up and go through your daily rituals as if you were going to class. It’s the habit of waking up at that same time everyday that you are going for. When you’ve gone through your routine (piss, shower, eat breakfast, whatever), feel free to go back to bed.

5. Reward yourself for good behavior. Every so often it’s nice to wake up and go "hey, i deserve a reward for this." This is going to sound stupid, but I LOVE McDonald’s breakfast (particularly their bagels). So every couple of weeks, when I wake up early enough and have been doing well, I reward myself with going to McD’s for breakfast. I know that’s a retarded reward, but it’s given me SOMETHING to look forward to. I hate my job, so the fact that I hate my job makes me not want to get up to go to it. But if I give myself a reason to get up or a reward once in a while, it helps immensely.

6. This is going to sound off the wall, but it worked for me. Practice getting up. I know it sounds stupid, but it works. What I mean is, for the next couple of evenings, set your alarm for a minute or two ahead of the current time, get yourself down in your bed as if you are going to sleep, and close your eyes. When the alarm goes off, IMMEDIATELY jump out of bed, shut it off, and go through the motions of your morning routine. Do that for 20 or 30 times, for a couple of nights. You’ll be surprised at how effective it is because it’s essentially training you to jump out of bed automatically whenever you hear your alarm, and it worked very well for me.

7. Finally, WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GET USED TO HITTING SNOOZE. Snooze is a death sentence for people like us. When you train yourself to use snooze, you are only making the situation work. When you set your clock fast to "trick yourself" you are only making the situation worse. All those little stupid things you do, are only making things worse. Set your clock for the EXACT time you want to get up (not early, don’t set your time fast or anything like that) and then GET UP when the alarm goes off and resolve to never hit your snooze button ever again.

I’m going to try this. Right now it’s having two alarms on both corners of my room so I HAVE to get up out of bed to turn them off. But on the desperate occasions… I get up out of bed, turn them off and then hop back into bed
get one of these, i got mine for ~15 on ebay

the quote is incorrect: you can set it as a normal alarm clock
^ Don’t try that gimmicky shit. All you are going to do is conditon yourself to where the only thing that will get you up is something extremely loud.

Seriously, all you’ve got to do is follow my advice and train yourself to respond to your alarm clock.

Yeah, I got so bad that I had two alarm clocks–one by the bed and one across the room. And I conditioned myself to jump out of bed, hit snooze on both alarms and then jump back into bed.

Make sure you follow all (or at least most) of what I said in that post. All the stuff combined will almost ensure that you’ll always get up. The most important parts to follow, though are to never hit snooze, go to bed before midnight (but preferably 10:30 or 11), and get on the same exact sleeping schedule everyday. If you don’t do those things, then you will battle the mornings everyday for the rest of your life.

If you follow my advice, you can actually condition your body to wake up before the alarm clock ever goes off.

it gives me fish burps

dispatch would call and tell me to get my ass in; i’d fall right back asleep and not even know i talked to them

The best thing that ever got me out of bed in the mornings was moving my alarm clock. When it was next to my bed, I would just keep hitting snooze and sleep in. Moving it across the room and turning the volume up will force you out of bed to shut it off. From there you may as well just get ready for your day because you’re now up and out of bed.

even enteric coated ones? they have a coating that’s slow to dissolve so that you won’t get fish burps

LOL that’s quite the article you got there…I’ll give it a try. Thanks.

not to mention, it would be a great way to damage your ears…or really annoy others if you slept anywhere but your own place.

Yeah, I’ll be living in an apartment with my SO in a month in the same bedroom and he would KILL me if it went off at like 5:00AM. I wake up to pretty much anything anyway…my phone alarm is not like super loud or anything. Sometimes I’ll wake up, turn it off, then see my bed and climb back in and be like "I’ll get up in 5 minutes…" and then in 10 seconds I’m asleep again. Then I’ll wake up in like 35 minutes and have to rush to class.

Well, yeah, since I’ve failed at pretty much everything in my life, I usually have some sort of advice based on my own experience with said failure.

The "practice waking up" came from an online article about sleeping (Steve Pavolina is his name I think). The rest of it was just my own trial and error shit and stuff that has helped me and worked for me personally.
Truth

throughout college, i had quite a few 730 am classes. some were 4 days a week! i agree, sometimes it was hard, especially if it was cold. [on cold ~40ish degree nights here in orlando i would leave my windows wide open because i love to snuggle with lots of blankets ] my problem was making sure i’d wake up to hear my alarm . i’d usually just set 10 different alarms on my cell phone.

i guess it was easy for me because i knew that if i didn’t go to class and get the notes [some classes i recorded the lectures --- pchem, advanced analytical chem], there was no way that i would pass the class. also, it’s a real waste of money, imo.

i now get up between 4-5am at least 2-3 times a week. i have a ~1 hour commute to work. what motivates me? i would get fired if i showed up late, and i absolutely hate being late. it’s rude.
I’m pulling an allnighter…bad idea, I know…but it was like 1AM and I had TONS of energy and had caffeine recently, so now its 3AM and I have to be up at 5AM so I was like might as well. Gotta work on some homework anyway.
Fuuuucckkkkk….all nighter failed miserably. I really need to get my head back in the game and work harder at school in general. I work really hard and get my work done 95% of the time, but that 5% is really lacking and is really going to fuck me over big time. There’s always like 3 projects/tests in a class or so….so if you miss one you’re like fucked.

Related posts:

1. My boss gives me her work so she can leave early and come in late I work at a newspaper editorial office and was hired...
2. Finding your soul mate in your early 20′s or after 30..whats the difference Is there a difference at all. Lets say there are...
3. I might lose my job. Anyone have an unusually hard time waking up? Ive been looking up online and apparently I may have...

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,
when 24 hours in a day is not enough
remember this recycled story:

"The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Beers"

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items
in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a
very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with

golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They
agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open
areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if
the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the
jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once
more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous
‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar – effectively filling the
empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are
the important things—your family, your children, your health,
your friends and your favorite passions—and if everything else
was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your
house and your car.

The sand is everything else—the small stuff. ‘If you put the
sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the
pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your
time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the
things that are important to you.

‘Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children . Spend time with your parents.
Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take
your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to
clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls
first—the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The
rest is just sand.’

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer
represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’
The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.’
aunt lucy? you registered here?

since you’re going to post these here, can you please stop emailing them to me?

My dearest nephew, since you don’t write back and never visit

FUCK YOU!

XXOO,
Auntie Peg

Related posts:

1. I need your help – what should I do? Im worried to say the least, I dont want to...

I have a new house that I have been trying to renovate, and I have a wonderful wife and beautiful 16mnth old boy.

I’m feeling like it is all a bit much, but I can’t do much to reduce my workload.

I am looking for brilliant ways to reduce my feeling of being overwhelmed.

ideas?
Organize, plan, implement plan, reassess plan and revise depending on results/work completed/new factors, begin process over again.

I know it sounds simple, but it always helps me.
For example, you say your trying to renovate the house. Set out a "things to do in a week", "things to do in a month", etc or something similar for all the stuff you need to do, how much it will cost, the time/labor involved, all that stuff. Maybe even try a spreadsheet or something to keep it all together. That way, you know whats coming, can prepare for the next step, and (most importantly) can see the ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ and have a goal.

Then you’re not just looking at "renovate whole house" and instead have "install new bathroom fixture" or whatever and it makes it look and feel like ‘less’ work even though the end product is the same.

Same thing goes for work – set lesson plans, dates for tests/essays and that kind of stuff so you know that on a certain day your students have a test and you’ll have more grading to do (thus dont plan on retiling the floor or something the same week).

Set deadlines for things that need deadlines – again, it helps with the planning aspect, but dont worry about it for things that dont actually need them- that just creates too much pressure. Even if your plan doesnt always work out perfectly, thats fine – and remember to remind yourself that this is ok. You’ll almost always have something pushed back/forward but you still have a plan so you know whats needs to happen and can always rearrange but you’ve gotta start with something.
Renovate what you need to have to be able to make it thru the winter/school year… but save the rest for later (next summer) when you have more time to dedicate to finishing up the renovations.

The wife will probably bitch about them not getting done but communicate with her that you’re feeling overwhelmed and that you plan to finish it up after the school year.

Work hard enough to get your work done, but save some energy to play with your son. You don’t want to miss spending any time with him because they grow up fast.
good advice, thanks! This is all stuff I know, but sometimes you need to be reminded.
Another good thing to do is to set priorities, always make sure you work away your main goals first, then do the other outlining jobs you still have to do. Im also thinking that maby you could find an expert and let someone else do the renovating of your house for you. Have a good look on what other side-jobs someone else might be able to do for you, to save yourself some time.

Related posts:

1. Overwhelmed. Over. Whelmed. Let me just start out saying thank you to those...
2. Becoming overwhelmed…how to deal with it? When I have all these racing thoughts and I have...
3. Feeling numb So I’m kinda new at this and I’ve been lurking...

I’m making a decision to begin a treatment tomorrow that is in opposition to my specialists opinion. I stayed with this specialist because my research lead me to him, I trusted him, and over 6 years his treatment was partially effective in targeting the infection we presumed was the cause of my suffering. I think we were partially correct.

I suspect there is a piece of the puzzle my specialist is missing and so I’ve gone again in search and drawn a pretty solid hypothesis. It is a "guess" at best, but a guess with very real circumstantial evidence supporting it. I will be using an antibiotic, I will attempt to attack an infection called Bartonella, often a co-infection spread along side Lyme Disease which is carried by ticks. Medical science is in extreme flux over both diseases, as to whether they exist or not in chronic form. Regardless, the fact is — antibiotics work in my case, so it’s a bacterial infection, but it appears to be deep rooted and resisting improvement with the Tetracycline. Some symptoms specifically have improved greatly, pain, muscle cramps, fatigue, joint pain, but the digestive and psychiatric symptoms have only improved perhaps 25% relative to the others.

It is my suspicion that if I use an antibiotic which this Bartonella like organism is extremely sensitive to, I should improve pretty quickly. The improvements should be psychiatric, (mood, cognitive, dreams, sleep, memory, behavior modulation) as well as digestive (Upper digestive disease, and lower — but inflamed, often painful, and bloated). Bartonella is known for causing both as it’s primary symptoms.

The drug is Levaquin, which is a very dangerous drug when used for more than 2 weeks. I have managed to convince one physician to prescribe and take responsibility for the treatment, and another to blood test every 2 weeks. Neither of them is my infectious disease specialist. They’re depending on me to make the right choice. The treatment will last 3-4 months. I’m terrified. I have used Levaquin in the past. I used it via IV while hospitalized and then orally for two weeks upon leaving the hospital. My health improved drastically after using it, within a months time I suddenly could walk more, go outside longer, etc. The problem with my hypothesis is that I was also using IV Vancomycin, Oral Pencilin, and Bactrim all within the same period of the Levaquin. I suspect based on my research that neither Pen or Bac contributed significantly to the improvement, as neither targets Lyme or Bartonella very much. However, IV Vanco attacks Lyme quite harshly, thus that could have been the cause of my improvements. Levaquin on the other hand could have been the cause of my improvements as my psychiatric, digestive as well as other physical symptoms improved. Either drug could have been the cause. Now, the factor that led me to narrow down further to Levaquin was that during the use of IV Vanc and Oral Pen, I developed an allergy to one of them. None of the doctors know which one since I was one both at the time. So, going back to both isn’t a wise option, — Oral Pen would be useless, but IV Vanco might hold the key. Regardless, I can’t return easily to it as the risk is much higher than going after the Levaquin first.

I certainly hope this makes sense.

I have done my research, consulted my other physicians and I’ve gotten an array of responses, mostly positive. I am informed. My physicians feel that we’re on the cutting edge of science, that medicine can’t tell me what to do at this point, I have to experiment based on the best possible data available, and so I am. I am fortunate I have support from people willing to possibly do harm, to take risks with me. I absolve them of the consequences of treatment should they be a poor outcome, including death.

Making this decision is hard on me, and I wanted to tell you all that, because I need support. I don’t know whether the treatment will work. I know my presumption is reasonable enough to warrant the attempt. I know the risks, and I’m nervous. Have I said that? You know I really am! Going against the only doctor who has helped me, and improved my health is enormous. He and I had a discussion recently, and I told him there may come a time when I will have to — in spite of my trust and respect of him — choose to oppose him in some cases and make decisions on my own. I told him "You are a fantastic physician, you have saved my life, but you have not cured me, and that you told me you could do. Clearly we now see that you can not, having spent 6 years fighting this war. He agreed, he could not say that was in his power anymore. and I said "While you may not have all the answers, you’ve certainly become someone I depend on and debate the process with regardless of whether I follow your instruction. Until now I have done everything your way willingly, I will likely need to take risks you don’t support." His response was simple "You’re right, I can only work within the framework of good science, and you’ve reached that limit. You’ve done everything in your power and I’ve tried my best as well. I don’t have the answers now."

So that day has come.

It is unfortunate I don’t have all the answers and have to make a decision like this alone (ultimately it really is alone since no one else knows what to do either), but sometimes that is necessary in life. Sometimes we can do our very best and still lose. I prefer this not be one of those times.

Thank you for reading, and perhaps even empathizing.

1: Starting a new dangerous treatment that may answer the questions as to why I have not improved as much as I should have over the last 6 years.
2: I’m afraid.
3: My specialist who has helped me improve my health does not support my hypothesis. He has hit a wall and admits he doesn’t know what else to do. I’m 50% improved most of the time, but still disabled.
4: I managed to get support from other physicians based on my presentation to each one. They saw merit.
5: I have the drug, and begin tomorrow.
6: Please support me, whether with stories of your own risks you’ve taken, or times you had to stand alone when others told you that you were wrong (And you ended up being right).

Wow
I am totally speechless.
You are such an inspiration!
And even though I don’t know you nor talked to you on OT before, I am so proud of you for having such great strength to do something like this.

If you ever need support or just someone to talk to you, you can always PM me.. it would really be an honor to talk to someone like you.

I hope you find the cure, and all the answers that you’ve been so long searching for. And I hope you continue to be as strong (or stronger) in fighting your illness.

And if the mod can create a sticky here where you can keep us updated that would awesome!
If a sticky can’t be made for some reason, then please update us (or me) with whatever you come up with.

Good luck and my prayers are definitely with you.
i hope you have done your research and follow the doctor who gave you the script’s instructions to the T.

I hope it works out for you.

While I respect your overwhelming response of support (thank you), I feel that if you were to step into my shoes you would realize that breathing is as natural to you, as fighting this war to regain my health is to me. It is hard to see myself as inspiring, because I am simply "learning to breath." I do appreciate if others get something out of my misfortune and my willingness or ability to try to overcome those obstacles, but I am by no means grateful or happy to have endured it. And in that, I wish I weren’t inspiring, at least not in this way.

Thank you. I think I understand the value of talking about these things.

I feel so inadequate. Isn’t that ironic and a bit sad? I don’t see strength, I see exhaustion, years lost, relationships torn apart, and a loss of control over my own behavior. I know literally what it’s like to go insane, to live inside a mind which is no working. A biological infection, consuming me, and causing me to yell at people I love, act strangely, to be irritable and cruel, self centered, and entirely a miserable human being. I did not choose these things, they were the result of damage being done to my body and brain, but I still had to be responsible for the results, because that is life, and that is the limit of which others can understand. Imagine yelling at someone you love — being entirely irrational — and knowing it while you’re doing it, but not being able to stop. Knowing you’re losing your mind, and literally parts of yourself, yet entirely unable to isolate the behavior. You can’t compartmentalize this illness, not like other conditions. It attacks everything. There is no place to hide, not even in your mind.

I am deeply hateful and disturbed by what I’ve fought. I do not take credit for my survival. I think my survival was fortunate, often a result of intervention from people, books, or external events I witnessed, which again often were by good fortune. The only part I’m willing to take any credit for is that I made a conscious decision to stay alive at all cost, to finish the war in one of two ways. I either win, or lose, and if I lose — the condition either must kill me, or I will go to my grave into old age fighting the illness.

The other option was suicide, which is extremely common among patients with this illness. People judge suicidal patients, but until it happens to them, they can’t possibly understand that the feelings aren’t necessarily a reflection of character. I have a very strong character, I know my sense of self which is waiting for me beneath this dysfunctional body and mind — I’ve written it down, like copying a hard drive of the mind, onto paper. I’ve written down who I am, when small glimpses would appear. It’s not commitment, passion, or anything other than pure desire to survive which led me to do that. I had to find away to keep my psyche in tac even while it dissolved.

Thank you. I do not want this thread to have a sticky, but I will update it. It will be hard on me to do so, but I have to write an update everyday anyway. I really don’t want to die. It’s just not who I choose to be at this time.

Faith, that’s a whole other battle field that I’m struggling with.

Thank you, for all the advice or knowledge I’ve ever taken, or given — I’ve not for one moment avoided with full passion to take my own advice first and to master it, before expecting anyone else to.

It is an irony that I’m taking a script from someone who has not idea why he’s giving it to me, beyond a guess — a shot in the dark based on some data that could easily be distorted by numerous variables, and yet — he’s taking the risk.

The instructions are simple:

1: Take broad spectrum probiotics each day, separated from the time of the antibiotic by 3 hours each way.
2: Take the rest of my medications as instructed.
3: Use 500mg Magnesium a day to avoid tendon rupture (Levaquin causes this in some cases), as well as 500mg x 1 of the Levaquin, and finally the proton pump inhibitor, which increases the strength of the Levaquin in fighting the Bartonella — otherwise known as Nexium. I must take that separately from my morning drugs, as I already take another antibiotic — Tetracycline, prescribed by the Infectious Disease specialist.
4: Last but not least the prescribing doctor recommended testing my blood once per month. I did one better and recommended every 2 weeks instead. The risk of kidney failure, liver failure, brain damage, and damage to the immune system as well as joints are all major concerns with long term use of Levaquin, so I think even greater monitoring is wise.

I would say I’m doing my best to adhere to the recommendations on the use of the Levaquin, but as far as whether I "should" be using it to begin with — that’s where no one agrees. Nobody knows what is right or wrong. It scares me, but I am committed and will find away to detach my feelings once I begin. I can’t be afraid the moment I pop that first pill in 6 hours.
As you guys show support, please be aware I will express feelings at length about whatever is said. I obviously am in a position where I need to really be self centered, and that may mean pulling apart what you say to express how I am feeling. I need to do that, to center myself. It has nothing to do with any of you personally. It helps me to talk at people, not merely to them in situations like this.

Thank you, I just began the first dose. I read the pamphlet that came with the medication to make sure I didn’t miss anything and sure enough, I did. I’m glad I’ve constantly reviewed everything.

What I missed was this: You have to take the Magesium supplement 2 hours away from the Levaquin. I totally forgot about that. So I was able to take the Levaquin aound 8:30 a.m. and now I’ll take the Mag at 12.
Update: I will not be pursuing this therapy. I’m extremely upset. I’m not upset so much that I am unable to pursue the therapy, but rather that the one physician who has improved my situation greatly has made it abundantly clear he may no longer be my doctor as a result of pursuing this proposal. I sent him an update today before making any further decisions, and his response was strong enough to warrant discontinuation.

I am shocked, very anxious that he may no longer treat me, but I don’t believe I made poor decisions. I had to make sure I’d covered my ground and made a solid attempt. I needed to make the right decision.

Here is Dr. D’s response:

Thank you for the note/update; I appreciate that you have to make some of your own decisions, but I can’t condone the use of Levaquin for treatment of Lyme disease or any of the coinfections, as there is no credible data currently available in that regard, and I remain concerned about both the known risks of neurotoxicity and tendon damage.

You are welcome to transfer your care to Dr Cooke and continue under the care of your PCP, but I will not be able to prescribe additional tetracycline while you are on Levaquin.

Please also note that I will not be able to respond to patient emails in the future.

Best wishes
Dr Donta

My response:

Dr. D,
Treatment for Lyme is more important than using the Levaquin. I thought you may not be comfortable so I e-mailed the update today to confirm your opinion. I will not pursue that protocol. I appreciate the candid
response. I would prefer to continue working together.

Sincerely,
Michael P.
All I can say is – "Do not fuck up."

Whats else you want us to say?

Good Luck.

If I was going to continue, that’s about the best advice anyone could give me. I appreciate it, because it was really all about morale.
Good luck Metallic. I dont post much in here but I always read your posts.
Suffering from physical problems is never good.

Thank you, I appreciate your response. I’ve chosen to abandon this new treatment.
Your doctor is probably worried since the effects of the therapy are unknown.. and that is very scary.

I think you made the right decision by sticking with your doctor.. especially since he’s been treating you for so long, and you have shown some improvement with him (?).

But please do continue to update us with your illness in either case.

Thank you for your post. Yes I have improved. I was most certainly going to die had my specialists (Lyme Disease) antibiotic therapy not worked. I had seen so many doctors and no one knew what to do, and those who did think they knew what to do either wanted me on psychiatric meds, or steroids. They kept diagnosing me with so many things, but none of them had solutions, nor were any of their treatments working.

This doctor has improved my health to a point where I’m split, nearly 50/50. It’s not enough to live a good life, but it’s not enough where I’m in agony or going to die. I’m caught in a sort of limbo. I look and appear entirely healthy, yet my symptoms are strong enough to prevent me from being functional in a consistent way that allows me to pursue goals, schooling, etc.

It’s a very unhappy place to be, but it’s far better than death. I am terribly concerned now. He may not wish to continue working with me. It is clear he is angry, though restraining himself. I’m sure it is hard to say what he’s saying to a patient he’s worked with for 6 years. Firing a patient is tough for health care professionals, but it’s also hard to fire them from my point of view, since I’ve had to do that a lot in my life.

My anxiety will settle once I get a clear response from him whether he’ll continue working with me and whether his response over "E-mail" was a coincidence applicable to all patients, or a slap in the face aimed at only me.
I think you made a good choice also. It was probably hard for you’re Dr who has been treating you to hear you wanted to try something else. I think it put him in a hard place also. If anything went wrong, it could have been a liability to him. He probably felt torn between continuing with a patient who hes been seeing and probably cares about, and having a possible death or something else bad associated with a dangerous treatment.

Either way, I think you made a good decision.

I’m real sorry about your limbo state though. I can only imagine being well enough to apear well, but ill enough to not be able to function. You say you’ve been sick for 29 years. How old are you now if you don’t mind me asking? I’ve read up on some Lyme Disease websites, and many say treatment normally "cures" it, and the course is only a few weeks. I’m curious as to how this has been taking so long. Was it not caught early enough for it to be treated succesfully? Don’t mean to pry, just curious.

You so accurately reflected exactly what I felt. Thank you for that. I feel quite alone even though I know I have support, so it helps reading this from someone else.

I think so too. I don’t like to flip flop, but I have to gauge the views people hold constantly in regards to this. I’m in a bad position.

That is where the controversy is. There are two separate medical "camps" in regards to Lyme Disease. One group says Lyme is hard to catch, easy to cure. The other group says it’s an extremely persistent infection which resists antibiotic therapy, and requires chronic antibiotic use to overcome the illness or — in some cases — suppress the illness to prevent the patients suffering. I’m sadly in the second group. I was not diagnosed soon enough. I was 9 years old when I was infected (1987), but I was not diagnosed until 2002. I’ve been ill since age 9, I’m currently turning 30 shortly. I won’t ever accept that there isn’t an answer, but I have to constantly weigh and balance cutting edge views against the backdrop.

If only I could somehow find an answer. I search endlessly. I’ve studied relentlessly and I still can’t solve this problem. The key is in some for of antibiotic, but one which is effective entirely does not appear to exist.

Go to Wikipedia and read up on Lyme Disease there, and you’ll get the full picture. You’ll be shocked, it’s disturbing.
Thats a long time to not catch it. What were the diagnosis’s for those 15 years? Man that must have been frustrating. Did they end up asking "Have you ever been bitten by a tick?" And you remembered 15 years ago you were camping or whatever? I had no idea the NE was so effected by lyme. I lived in North New Jersey for 13 years as a kid and I would run around in the woods, do normal kid stuff. Scary to think about now. I’m in a slightly anxious state right now. In reading about Lyme, I was side tracked by an article on Bell’s Palsy, read symptoms of that for about 45 minutes, so now I’m in a bit of a nervous state, so I’m gonna hold off on the Wiki of Lyme, lol. Hypochondriacs should have blocks put on any medical website, lol.

It was awfu. I fought tooth and nail to get the correct diagnosis. It turned out Lyme causes all these symptoms and these are common misdiagnosis or secondary diagnosis underlying Lyme.

Manic Depression, Clinical Depression, Anorexia, ADHD, Crohn’s Disease, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Acid Reflux, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mood Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Insomnia, Hypoglycemia, Kidney Stones, Hypochondria, Anemia, Chronic Lyme Disease.

Here is the progression of symptoms. I’ve kept records of everything:

I had been bitten by ticks, however I didn’t remember the exact tick that bit me. I remember coming home from camping in Rhode Island, and I came down with the most diabilitating fever and pain in my legs. It was clearly connected as my health continued declining from that point forward. It happened within 2-3 weeks of returning from camping.

Yes, Lyme Disease is a very serious problem in the NE as well as other areas. The problem is that people are often misdiagnosed. So people with MS, Fibro, CFS — all sorts of things, could actually be infected, but they simply aren’t getting diagnosed. Testing is very inaccurate for Lyme, so it’s hard to pick up objectively.

Yeah, Hypochondria can be very hard to deal with.

Man, half that shit I get just from eating fajitas.
Whats odd is that almost all of those are very common for people with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). I have had almost all of them.

A

Thats a list of your things that I also have had since my anxiety started in 2003. Just kinda weird that we’ve had many of the same symptoms.

Then perhaps it’s not generalized anxiety disorder. You’d know if it were more serious though, as you’d become disabled and the symptoms would gradually worsen.

I’m guessing the severity is worse for you on alot of those though. Like, everyone gets muscle cramps, headaches, nightmares, irritability, etc. But, Do you think the severity of the symptoms you were getting are above the average level?

Yes, but that’s also one of the reasons for the controversy, because people infected with Lyme often don’t have those symptoms to the level I do, but they’re still infected, but they are dismissed by doctors — as though it’s all in their head. That’s what happened to me. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed correctly and put on long term antibiotics that I began improving. It took years of therapy to even see consistent results where I knew I was on the right track.

No he didn’t. I really hope he does. I think he’s very angry with me. He probably feels insulted even though he says otherwise. I don’t think he thought I’d really go this far to make my own way.

Hopefully he’ll return my phone call and we can talk it out. My goal is to get well. His goal is to get me well and he’s invested a lot of time in getting me this far, so it must have felt like a slap in the face, especially knowing how dangerous the treatment is, and his experience with it.
Do you believe this doctor is invested in seeing you through this disease?

And if so, do you believe this doctor is familiar enough with the area to be able to see you through this disease.

And lastly, assuming the above two are true, when can you expect a significant remission of symptoms to the point where you are essentially either cured or at least asymptomatic?

Good luck to you.
Its normal for a human to fight and do what he has to do to survive. If a treatment is working 50%, I don’t think it was wrong that you went looking for answers and options, I think its on more of a personal level, which it shouldn’t be.

When I was in therapy for my panic attacks, I went for about 9 weeks with little to no improvement. I told my therapist I didn’t want to come anymore because I was going to try seeing a hypnotherapist. He laughed. When I asked why, he rolled his eyes and said "Hypnosis? OK, good luck with that one." I walked out. He was only making me 1% better, and that 1% was only because he said I wasn’t the only one with this. I was hypnotised ONCE and I have only had about 6 or 7 panic attacks in 5 years. Thats going from 6 or 7 a DAY for a long time. I still worry, think irrationally, and have some mild anxiety and hypochondria, but I can live with it and improve it. Before, I was desperate, scared and about to check into a hospital. About 4 months later, I went back to that therapist to tell him I was cured of my panic attacks from hypnosis and next time someone wanted to take another route, not to laugh at them. He seemed annoyed.

But, I think its normal for us as suffering humans to always seek out ways of getting healthy. I don’t think it was rude or wrong of you to want that other 50% back. I think it was rude for this to turn personal in the eyes of the Dr, because thats where I believe the tension is coming from. That and the liability. But anger? I don’t think thats justified.

Yes

Sadly I don’t think anyone is, there is too much they don’t know objectively, but if anyone is going to find an answer, he’s certainly in the top tier.

Originally it was to take 18 months, but when 18 months came and went and I hadn’t seen any improvements he simply said, "It’s unfortunate, but that’s how it is with some patients. We’ll keep going because you will see improvement eventually" of course I was bitter and said "When, seriously, when?"

I doubted his ability for a long time, doubted the diagnosis, doubted the treatment. I was so sick and I’d spent so much time researching, that I had no where else to go. I’d seen 150 + doctors. It was so painfully sad, no one had an answer beyond "I don’t know, a misdiagnosis, or a vague diagnosis only labeling a small portion of the overall disease (Acid reflux as an example, or Depression). I spent 3 1/2 years "not" seeing any meaningful results. So not only did 18 months go by, it ended up taking 30 months to see "something". Then, right around 2005 we did a round of IV antibiotics and that seemed to kick it up a notch, and I began noticing that the Tetracycline was now also working. We had chipped away enough to where I actually began to start feeling better.

When I began seeing days where I was 40% functional, I knew I was on the right track. When I was able to shower myself, and brush my teeth consistently, and I could walk around without a cane. When I began going outside for brief periods I really felt I was on the right track. When I saw 50%, I absolutely felt confident. I even peaked sometimes where I was around 60%. I could lift weights, ride my bike, do push ups. I still had a lot of symptoms and cognitive problems were always ongoing, but I was "better" — however peaks don’t last. He told me they wouldn’t, that it’s a gradual chipping away process, but then you backslid as the infection takes hold again. Gradually the infection load is reduced, but it persists.

I am improving, but we’ve invested so many years. His answer is always consistent and always the same. "Persistence is key with Chronic Lyme. It’s extremely slow, and I understand that, but keep going."

He’s been right about everything except that he could solve the problem within the original time frame. He told me that I’m unfortunately one of a small percentage who just don’t respond well to the available treatments.

Thank you Johan. I’m really desperate for an answer, but not a foolish one. I felt good about my idea, but I most certainly didn’t know where it would go and I refused to lie or hide anything. People were giving me all sorts of advice. Take the med, but don’t tell him! No fuckin’ way was I going to do that. Our relationship was solid and I trusted him enough to always be forthcoming.

In the end, I figured as long as I could stay with Dr. D and do the Levaquin, I could take the risk and if it worked, fantastic, if it didn’t I could continue on as I had. Dr. D however as you can see was seriously concerned about the danger, and he should be. He was so concerned that even though another doctor prescribed it for a different illness, he was still going to drop me! I was concerned too, but I was willing to take the risk, but I am "not" willing to do it if that means losing Dr. D.

Exactly. I’m sure Dr. D knows that. He surely felt offended, but also extremely concerned I think, because he knew I was serious. He needed to scare me I think. He has never been so curt and cold before. It was a clear hardline.

Scoffing at things which aren’t fully understood but which can do no harm is not wise. It’s a different story when you’re hooking up electric jumper cables to your nut sack thinking it will cure Cancer. Believe it or not people do things like that.

I’m skeptical about a lot of things, but being cynical is foolish.

My mother told me she could see both sides. She explained what she felt was going on with him. After she talked to me I was more willing to embrace his view. He’s certainly pissed because he saw that in-spite of his prior advice about pursuing this avenue I still arranged everything and managed to actually get the prescription. He also thinks — I’m sure — that by getting the prescription from Dr. C (Another doctor who indicated he could use Levaquin for Inflammatory Bowel Disease) that it was deception as a way to get the medication.

Dr. D and I need to talk directly, that’s what it comes down to. He won’t call me though until he is both available and not pissed.
Dude…levaquin is not dangerous. I suffer from chronic sinus infections that only levaquin gets rid of. I’ve been on it for over a month several times with no ill effect.
Dr. D responded finally. Here is what he said:

Thank you for your response.
If you feel like you’re at a plateau, we could try adding azithromycin and amantadine to the tetracycline. I think the azithromycin will be ok regards Crohn’s, but we’d have to wait and see. Otherwise, it’d be the tetracycline by itself for another few months.
Let me know if you want to try the added meds.
Best wishes for the New Year
Dr D

——

Notice he was warm and interested in my feelings. This is how we’ve always interacted. It’s always been amicable. We talk about things, you know?

My response to him:

Dr. Donta,
I appreciate the fast reply as well as your intensively persuasive
response. I realize my safety was your main concern and thus you responded
as you did. I do want to apologize to you if it seemed I was offensive in
arranging the planning and discussion of Levaquin as I did. I had no
intention of going off on my own with another physician if it meant being
disrespectful to your authority and the effort you’ve invested in my
treatment. I was extremely sensitive in explaining that to each doctor,
especially Dr. Cooke. I just needed to find out what everyone thought, as
they are my "team."

Had Dr Cooke told me the Levaquin would be used for Bartonella alone, and
that he would prescribe it, I would not have accepted it. It was pure
coincidence that he also used the drug for Inflammatory Bowel disease and
since I’d been complaining he prescribed it. Frankly I had no idea that
option existed for inflammatory bowel. I knew Flagyl and Cipro were
commonly used in fistulizing cases and that’s it. I would never undermine
or be devious in respect to your opinion and try to coax anyone on my team
into prescribing a dangerous medication.

You’ve gotten me a really long way, but there is a long way to go. I know
you know how to get me to the finish line, and I know you know I’m not
incompetent or unobjective. I may be desperate, but I’m not a fool. I hope
you respect and trust me to make the right decisions, just like I am making
this decision to continue with you in light of your hard-line warning of
Levaquin.

And of course I was entirely forthcoming in my update to you as I’ve always
been — in discussing exactly what I was doing or going to do prior to
making decisions. Your opinion was ultimately the most important and so I
listened and accepted it.

I will begin the azithromycin and amantadine. If you would fax the
prescription to the same place you’ve been filling my Tetracycline I would
appreciate it. Tell me how you want the medication used.

Sincerely,
Michael Parent
Good luck man – I’ve been through some crazy times these past almost 2 years. Strongyloides horrible staph infection gallbladder out every test under the sun hang in there I just started Cipro for 2 weeks

I started Cipro first then I got to Levaquin a little later then augmentin and then prednisone so much crap but here is to getting better!
OMG, I am so sorry that I missed this thread when it was originally posted.

I could call the doctors I mentioned before to you and get their opinion on the Zithromax and amantadine if you like. (As well as the Levaquin, just out of curiosity).

I know that you and Dr D have built a long standing relationship with your health. I am sure the reason he responded in the way he did is because if the Levaquin cause any serious damage then he would feel somewhat responsible. I know it is very difficult for any GOOD doctor to threaten to fire a patient (especially one they have built such a good repore with) but they will do whatever is necessary (tough love thing) to ensure the well being of their patients.

I am very glad that the two of you can work past this and continue to try new and safer ways to treat your illness.

I can not even begin to imagine what you are going through or how you are feeling. I want you to know though, I am here if you need someone to talk to or lend that helping hand in any way I can. You may feel alone with your illness, but you are not alone when it comes to support.

Hell, even if you are just angry and need someone to yell at/to, PM me (I’m really good at not taking things to heart when someone is angry and lashing out…lot’s of experience with that in the field I’m in.)

I know this is not the way you want to be an inspiration to others, but you have to remember, to go though any struggle and not give up and continue to fight, that DOES take a lot of courage and strength and that in itself is truly inspiring to others to not give up no matter how hard the battle.

I wish you all the luck Metallic, even though I don’t know you personally, you seem to be a very good and caring person and you deserve the best that life has to offer you. Again, if there is anything I can do to help, please do not hesitate to let me know.

Don’t worry about it.

Levaquin is a no-go, but I have been using the Zithromax and Amantadine. I’m about 2 weeks in and I’m getting a Herxheimer reaction. I feel like shit. You can ask the doctors about their opinions on that combination if you wish. Always interesting to hear from others.

You’re right.

I won’t stop until I beat it. I’ve had to take risks and go in the direction that was likely to have the best probability of giving me a solution. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong.

I’m fine really. This has been a battle for 2 decades and the worst is over. I’m on the upswing, it’s just a matter of how long it’ll takes until I’m functional and consistent. This last two months I’ve been disabled and homebound.

Thanks, but seriously I’ve had my cheese and my whine and spilled my guts in the past to people who had no answers. No one could possibly understand what this condition is like except those who endure it, so I don’t talk about it emotionally. Everything is intellectualized and debated

If I have something to say about the deeper feelings I have I say it to one or two people, or my doctors and counselor.

Of course it’s not the way I want it. If others are inspired, good for them. I don’t want a pat on the back for surviving.

"Let the right say I was wrong, let the weak say I was strong, it won’t be long, until I’m gone beyond the setting sun." – JF

In the end, I’m just using what I was given. I’ll do it until I die. Everyone is doing that, given their model of the world. Weak, strong, right, wrong, we all meet the same fate.

I do what is in my best interest, it’s just a coincidence that other people are influenced by it. Either I’ll accomplish the results I’m trying to create or I won’t, but I hardly deserve it more than you or anyone else. You get what you get, and you use it to your ability.

I sincerly hope this medication cures you, and that your recovery will be fast and safe from here on. I look forward to reading your updates.
I just wanted to add to the thread, although it’s past due, that it looks like you’re really doing your research rather than sitting around and being depressed about your situation and I really wanted to commend you on that. For someone who is weak from your condition you sound like a really strong person. My prayers are definitely with you and keep us updated you’ll be on my mind and in my heart.
Stay strong and positive. I hope you find a therapy that works for you.

I just had a bite from a tick a few days ago, I found it within 3 hours of it attaching it’s self and it’s now being tested. I’m on the westcoast, so only around 2% of ticks carry lyme. I’ll be fine though.
Good luck man, I think your taking the correct approach being pro-active, its exactly what my friend OT’er Steve Cronin did that landed him a diagnosis for a lymes infection (of which you helped him a great deal insofar as I can tell)

Best of luck

Yeah, Steve’s case bothered me quite a bit. I was confident in the diagnosis, but at the same time very worried that he wasn’t responding to earlier treatments. A lot of people here on OT, in his personal life and in his medical visits to physicians were telling him the diagnosis was basically wrong or they kept pushing other alternatives. Not only did it bother me, but it was very hard on him, he didn’t really know what to do and was being pulled back and forth. I think he took a big risk coming to Massachusetts, and spending the type of money he has to chase what others for the most part said was a ghost that some one he didn’t know on Off-topic was adamant about. I knew he’d respond to an antibiotic, I just wasn’t sure which one.
Wow, it’s too late for me to read the whole thread right now, but I read the first couple of posts and want to say something before I go to sleep. I had no idea man, though I see you post in here all the time.

I hope it works out for you sir.
I hope the day when you are free of this nightmare comes soon.

My troubles are tiny in comparison to yours, and your challenge has helped me gain some perspective on it. I thank you for this, and I once again wish you good luck.

Ever seen the Shawshank Redemption? It got me through my hardest times, perhaps it will help you as well.

Cheers.

Maybe I’m just having a bad day, I don’t know, but I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. I hate this fucking disease, I hate that I’ve done everything in my power to beat it, and I hate that it’s hurting so many people.

I just need to say this, I need to yell and scream and just get angry. I’m so frustrated! I’m really really fuckin’ frustrated. And it’s not even about the letters, it’s just — it’s so overwhelming. It literally brings tears to my eyes how awful my life has been because of Lyme, how awful it must be affecting other people, and I feel so powerless sometimes to protect myself, never mind others, from what it’s done. I just want the pain to stop, and I want to fix the pain others are feeling — but I can’t do it all, I can’t expect that. I can’t even expect that I can fix myself. It hurts so God damn much.

I just, I don’t know — I just needed to say how I felt here, because it hurts a lot facing this. I’ve fought for so many years just to survive and I suddenly feel so weak. I don’t feel like the "strong" person everyone tells me I am. I feel tired, weak, exhausted. I feel like breathing takes more energy than I have right now.

I know somebody with Lyme disease. She is very young (~21). She doesn’t know I know she has Lyme. I’ve heard her talk sometimes about being ill all the time and hearing it made me very, very sad.

You’re trying to raise awareness, and this woman’s concerns are … what, exactly?

There’s a great deal of pain in the world, some from nature, some from simple selfishness, some from religion, but there’s a lot of good and a LOT of potential for good.

It silently breaks my heart every time I hear of someone else with it. I don’t show it much, but that’s what happens.

The quotes above in my last post with the bold, include her letters. It’s not even that she’s off. She’s accurate in what she’s saying – I’m just so overwhelmed by how to do the project. I guess her letter triggered my feelings. It brings up the truth that hundreds of thousands of people are affected when I do this project. People who are really hurting, you know, and I don’t want to fuck up and make it worse.

I just want to be apart of the good for once. You know? Make a difference and not be consumed in the process.
It a new day, and I’m pissed off as usual. I’ve been on the Azithromycin and Amantadine for about a month or so. I feel like shit, and I’m having my doubts as to whether it will work.

God I’m frustrated. Just needed to say that. I’m trying and trying to make this work but it appears I have a limited amount of options.

1: Stay with Donta, hope for the best with whatever treatments he tosses my way.
2: Spend some money and get expensive blood testing through specialty labs which lack credibility but may tell me more about what I’m facing and why I’m not improving.
3: Find a new doctor who will in most likely hood charge me a lot more, and I won’t be able to keep up financially which will lead to my bankrupcy.

I’m in a shit position. My girlfriend asked me today "Would you be willing to go behind your doctors back and treat other medication that may work?" I simply said I couldn’t be dishonest like that, not as long as I have a working relationship with him. If that relationship ends, then fine, but I won’t be deceitful.

I’m trapped in a fuckin’ prison, and I can’t seem to get out.

So, you have seen no improvement at all?

I know this must be very difficult for you right now. Sometimes we run into a dead end and we just have to turn around and try to find the next aisle to go down in the maze. It can be very frustrating but eventually we can make it through. You are NOT defeated here. There is a solution, you just haven’t found it YET. I know that you WILL find the solution because you ARE strong and you will not give up the fight right?

You know I have been told by several doctor’s before that when a doctor has a patient for a long period of time, they (unintentionally) become too close to the patient and their circumstance. When this happens they sometimes try to hang on to the patient, try other things they are not really sure about, or can’t admit (due to either ego or feeling like a failure) they have run out of ideas because they truly want to help their patient. Unfortunately, this can ultimately hinder or even harm the patient. This is why, when you have a serious illness and your MD seems to have run out of ideas, it is a wise to seek out a new doctor to get a fresh perspective and possibly new ideas on methods of treatment. This can be a very scary thing to do because of fear of the unknown and fear of getting your hopes up only to be let down again. However, when it appears that you and your doctor have reached some sort of plateau, you have to ask yourself if you are willing to remain only 50% better and accept that or do you want to take the risk of being let down again to have some sort of chance to actually get 60-90% better or possibly cured?

I truly wish there was an easier way to deal with your situation or better advise I could give you to help. Hang in there, don’t give up, you will win this fight (I have faith). Only you can decide what path to travel at this point, however if you need someone to lean on or a helping hand along that path, remember you have friends and family that care about you to lend you those things if needed.
No improvement that I’ve seen Punky but it can take awhile longer, and you’re right. And Z, thanks for writing me back. I’m looking at alternative testing sites now, trying to find labs that I believe can do the job correctly to test for somethings that may have come along for the ride with the Lyme Disease.

It’s possible a co-infection is present that just isn’t being resolved. It could be something else entirely. I’m financially trying to work out the issue now.

Related posts:

1. entering eating disorder treatment tomorrow hello all, i don’t usually post here–sorry i haven’t been...
2. How long is an unopened bottle of rum good for? It’s Captain Morgan. I bought a 750 ml tonight but...
3. I need advice on comforting my g/f my g/f and I are both young (24) and I...

So about a week later she started "the time of the month" and has gone super depressed. SHe lays in bed, doesnt want to do anything and isnt communicating as much as I would like. I figured it would end but its now been 7 days and its beginning to bum me out and make me depressed. So I am half tempted to call the DR and go back on zoloft because I would really like to feel good again. At the same time I feel like I could be fine if I dumped the gf.

I do like her. I just want her to be happy. I think that if I dumped her I would be happier than I am right now. I dont really want to do that because I am sure she is going through more than she is telling me.

Regardless I feel worse than if I had been dumped and dont know what to do

Then what the fuck are you waiting for? Be a man, if she’s holding a lot of info from you, why should you care? If she would only tell you when you threaten to break up with her, theres a big trust issue you need to deal with.

Dump her. You already know you’d be happier. Just do it.
Maybe you guys are spending too much time with each other. Take a break
well she hasnt talked to me properly in 3 days. She wouldnt answer any of my 2 phone calls yesterday.

I sent her a text message this morning (because thats the only fucking thing she knows) and said "Whats going on, are you ok?"

I got "I dont have time to deal with this right now" and basically Im done.. As much as I like her. I think shes got issues bigger than I want to get involved with

Ok, so you were on Zoloft, it was causing sexual dysfunction, so you talked with your physician and discontinued treatment. Outside the bedroom everything is was going well.

So she’s menstruating and experiencing depression as a result, is this correct?

So because your girlfriend is unavailable, you’re feeling depressed as a result? You don’t have other people in your life, or other activities to take part in while she’s going through this period (literally)?

Are you depressed because you’re suffering depression or are you depressed because your girlfriend is dealing with her monthly cycle?

Let me get this straight. You’re telling me that you would be fine, and could go without medication, if you exit this relationship? Are you also saying that your girlfriends biological health issue is causing severe strain between you two, or only you?

Just not when she’s struggling with her health, is that correct?

People aren’t always happy, they suffer health problems, traumatic events, sadness, grief, and sometimes PMS and other associated female related problems. You do understand this, yes? Or is it that you simply can’t accept it?

Is there fighting going on between you two during this depressed period of hers? What is the relationship — simply on pause?

What do you suspect she’s going through, and what exactly about how she’s behaving is causing depression in you? What do you think it is? I need to have the full truth and the whole story to be of any help here.

What do you mean? It really sounds like you want out of this relationship for more than the reasons given. What is going on here?

It sounds like you just flat out don’t want to be in this relationship because she’s dealing with something that came up recently. Have you considered telling her something like this:

You: Listen, I know you’re going through something right now, and I understand that, however you’re not communicating with me, and that’s not acceptable for me. As a result I no longer want to date you. I hope you recover, and it’s very unfortunate that you were unable to be open with me and to communicate with me.
Her: I was open. blah blah
You: I don’t feel like you were, and what I feel is enough for me to make my decision.
Her: Fine, blah blah blah
You: Take care.

Obviously this example is oversimplified, and assumes she’ll lash out. However she may not. I just think it’s important for you to also communicate honestly and completely. This way you can walk away and have better relationships. It’s good practice so you’re clear about your needs and what you want.

If this works out, fine, if it doesn’t — you were clear and honest, and that’s a strong benefit to your character.

Let me know what you end up doing or saying.

I spoke to my massage therapist today and we came to the conclusion that she has someting going on and the best thing I can do is support her. So I decided I’m going to send her flowers saying very little in the card and if she comes around. great. If not. its over. She isnt even answering when I call anymore

Sounds reasonable to me.
I am on depression medicine that can cause sexual disfunction.
My doctor has always told me that it was alright to take a vacation from that med.
He said that if I wanted to be in tip top shape then schedule it like 48 hours in advance. Stop taking 2 days before.

It works.

The trick is to not go more then 3 days without taking it.

Naturally it is the sort of thing you should talk to your doctor about.
Another option is Wellbutrin. It does not cause sexual side effects if I’m not mistaken, increases energy, decreases depression and attention deficit issues as well as improves memory and cognitive function. You can look it up.

Zoloft works for some people, but I’ve generally heard mostly negative things.

i was on that in 5th grade, no wonder i didn’t notice the difference.

i think my brother takes that.
oh yeah and all depression medicine is bullshit just lettin’ you know ok bye.
From this and the other thread you made about her in the Vag it sounds like your relationship is beyond over. Break up, get back on Zoloft, or do whatever you have to to make YOURSELF happy.

Clearly you have no idea how effective medications such as Zoloft are. Apparently you think you are better informed than people who have spent their lives studying medicine and the human brain. So either you’re just plain ignorant or you have the biggest superiority complex I’ve ever seen.

I take Zoloft, but I still get hard and all that good stuff. I didn’t even know it caused sexual problems. But yeah, give her some time and if that doesn’t work, break it off so at least you can be happy.

You can get hard with no problems. The hard part is getting off during sex. I never have and it BLOWS

You arent providing much help if you have no clue what she is going through.

I sent her a msg today.. We are done. Not because I want to be but because she wants it to be that way.
I guess ill say what I have in my mind.
I cannot blame you for having what you do on your plate. Thats something I cannot control. I have been pretty upset at what has happened lately. I obviously liked you more than I ever imagined I would, especially as quickly as things happened.
I am however upset that you havent told me what I did wrong or whats going on with you. I though we were close enough to have that kind of conversation but apparently I was wrong. I do miss you and would like things to be "cool" again but obviously there is something I do not know. If your interested in salvaging anything or would like to tell me what I did wrong, I would be all ears. You have my numbers.
Regardless I wish you and [your daughter] all the best for now and the future.

Why the fuck are you giving her the option of contacting you again? Why would you tell her "you have my numbers" and all of that, then say that you don’t want to be with her anymore?

You need to figure your shit out.

Related posts:

1. Taken off zoloft, prescribed lexapro So I was recently taken off of zoloft and prescribed...
2. Starting therapy, what should I expect I’m starting therapy this week. The plan was to start...
3. sad and bored What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t have...

So, I’ve recently been dating an amazing girl for the past 3 and a half months. She is younger, although probally more mature than I am. In short she’s everything I look for: smart, funny, caring, good looking, and exciting. And I can truly say that the past couple months of my life have been like nothing ever before….

However, every up has a down. She comes with some baggage. Serious baggage. In the past she has cut herself, and had problems dealing with her emotions – she has told me all this in confidentiality so I won’t be mentioning any names obviously. What worries me is today she cut herself again – it seems lately that she has been on another planet. Problems with her mom (she will be undergoing surgery on a tumor soon and they are very close), her parents (moving from the only home she has known), roommates and best friends, and little things.

I know I need to be there to support her, and to be the strong body for her to hold on to in these times, but sometimes it is so draining. She’s great in the sense that she can adapt and be alright "on the go" however it takes a lot of time to make her feel comfortable and safe. Meanwhile, I have leadership positions in various activities in school (not to mention all the actual work in school), and my own problems.

I guess the only thing I’m getting at is what can I do to help her and help myself? She makes me insanely happy, and we’ve been so open with each other that it blows me out of the water how close our relationship has become… but at the same time, it can be too intense on occasion. Are there any tips you guys have for helping your S.O out of rutts, or how to explain to them in a proper fashion that they need to shape up?

Maybe this was just an excuse to vent, as I haven’t been able to tell anyone about the stuff she has told me, and her troubles. You wonder sometimes if it’s all worth it. And writing it down right now, I can see it is.

Any tips about helping someone through difficult times would be appreciated. Should I tell her parents if she told me not to (do i want to break that trust?), or convince her to see a doctor? Thanks.

-unorth
You seem awesomely supportive and I think that’s so great. I’d convince her to go talk to someone if I were you. A lot of people have maladaptive coping skills- as long as she’s willing to get help and you want to continue on in this relationship, then I say do so. Find a way for you to go blow off some steam too- whatever that may be is fine, as long as it’s healthy

Good luck to you
I personally would let her know how her actions are affecting you. If you are as close as you think, it should be motivation enough for her to change.
Thanks Penny, I am already prety active in sports so I think that will be a good outlet for me to "vent" some more.

And I appreciate the insight too giz. I just wonder if she’s in too fragile of a state to accept that sometimes she is too much – almost like I don’t want to push her over the edge. I bet that just comes back to human nature, and people wanting to be "in control" of helping others. Am I selfish liking that I can support her, and not wanting to lose that. Too many variables.

I’ll keep this updated, and I’m seeing her tonight so we’ll see how it goes.

Great, I’m happy for you.

That’s terrific.

I’m very sorry to say this, but that’s a red flag on my list.

– Red Flags Avoid these people with these patterns: Abusive parents, abusive ex-husbands, abusive ex-boyfriends, alcoholism, drugs, talks about ex on first, second dates, negativity, disrespectful, confuses you, arrogance/condescending, Cheated in past, self-centered, Breaks Dates, Makes excuses, lies, cusses a lot, No Class, Inflexible, Distrusting, Bitter, Nags, gossips. Women who say something, but their actions and body language reflect different signals. Women with low self-esteem, fixated on money, or have psychological problems, or psychiatric problems. Remember, life isn’t fair. I personally fall into some of these areas, and I’d expect a female to be ruthless in cutting me off too if she felt I wouldn’t be a good mate for her.

Another unfortunate red flag:

–Never give advice to a woman you’re interested in or dating. You can listen, but don’t give advice, that’s what her therapist is for. (Notice at the end here of this rule? Therapist.)

Sadly, a girl in this position needs therapy. Cutting is a reflection of serious underlying problems. I’ve done a lot of research on cutting and other forms of self-injury. This isn’t a problem you can fix. I can assure you, you will sacrifice your energy like you’re dispensing aspirin, it may provide her temporary relief, but she will inevitably bleed out unless she gets help.

I actually wrote a very short story about this situation awhile ago. Here it is:

Unfortunately your relationship will end in a collapse upon itself if she does not get professional treatment. These relationships can not self-sustain themselves without it. I can provide you information in the meantime to be of support, but this is the best I can do:

I wrote this for another person on OT in 2004

I personally would not tolerate a relationship in which someone self-injured themselves. It’s too complex, and too dangerous to my emotional wellbeing, however I have been down these roads and I’ve seen what happens when I try to save the day or try to persevere. It doesn’t work. However, you are not me. You may be able to tolerate it, but based on what you’ve written here, I’m unfortunately going to have to tell you to back-up and detach to protect yourself.

I wouldn’t advise, or convince, nor would I inform her parents. Self-injury is a defense mechanism. If her parents are at all involved in the development of this mechanism, alerting them may strip her of the only control she has.

Rather, I would give her the information you’ve seen here, or find some research on the internet. Cutting + Self Injury can be of value. Don’t be surprised if you inform her that it would be in her best interest if she saw someone if she resists and doesn’t listen. She may do the opposite and agree with what you say, but still not listen. I’ve seen both cases. Rarely do cutters go for help when confronted, because the shame is extensive.

Let her ask you "What should I do?" or something of that sort, before you present this information. Let her be the one to choose, it will lessen the probability of her rejecting the help. The odds are still poor unfortunately.
Thank you for the help here Metallic.

The one part about "the majority of people who self injure tend to have specific personality characteristics: Perfectionism, unable to handle intense feelings, are unable to express their emotions verbally, have a strong dislike for themselves and their bodies, and can experience severe mood swings. They may turn to self-injury as a way to express their feelings and emotions, or as a way to punish themselves when other more obvious methods are not available to them, or they do not know what else to do." definetly touches home as it is very close to who she is and how she acts.

I think I will defininetly confront it with her, its just a matter of timing and when to do it. I appreciate all the information and help, and I can’t see it not being put to use. And yes, this may be bad for my own emotional well being, and sure it could end up being a waste of time in terms of the relationship in the future – but if I can make her life better, somehow, then I will definetly do that.

Will keep you posted.

NO!

you should get that girl some help but tellin her parents will get you dumped and then she will be worse off than before

I agree with you. If she needs help getting counseling or finding a support system, there is support on the internet, as well as through her school. If she wants other types of help, we can talk further. Remember, she’s not alone in this, there are a lot of people like her who have gotten thru it.

Cutters can get better, but it requires counseling. Finding the source of the behavior is necessary.
I am sorry to say that I don’t think you can do anything to help her because it probably doesn’t have much of anything to do with you. If anything, it sounds like you are one of the better parts of her life. It isn’t that your behavior is harmful and causal to her doing this to herself.

I have used multiple types of self-injury for a long time, and i barely even know why. It’s an uncontrollable urge for me, something that is so removed from the human experience as we collectively understand it that to try to rationalize it in English seems futile.

I have had multiple significant others who have pleaded with me to stop doing it, told me how it makes them feel, etc. and it really only makes me want to do it more because those conversations are extremely alienating and guilt-inducing.

The whole thing is terrible and you can’t fix it. So, the ball is really in your court in the sense that you need to decide whether or not you can deal with it. I don’t mean to say that she is not responsible for the wellbeing of the relationship, and that she shouldn’t try to make you happy by changing her behavior. But don’t hold your breath trying to wait it out until she stops, because there’s a good chance that she will either continue with cutting or shift her compulsion into other forms of self-injury.

It doesn’t necessarily work that way. Expecting it to is pissing in the wind.
Short update of sorts..

I found out the below info just two days ago, and was pretty shocking considering who I thought she was/her family was. Her mom hit her again last weekend. Apparently she used to be hit when she was a child, but it doesn’t make the least bit sense to me – they’re a well off middle class family, not super religious… It’s just so fucked up. She had bruises on her arm from where her mom grabbed her, and a bit of swelling on the head where she was hit.

Considering I’ve never even come close to this situation I was/am a bit dumbfounded as to what to say and do, but I just reassured her it was NOT her fault, that hitting is never right, and that she can always come to me for support. Was that the right move? I don’t want to set our relationship up so that I’m just being dumped on and dumped on over her life and problems but at the same time I want to be there for her.

Either way she promised me she would go to counseling or at least see someone over it – my only worry is timing. It should be alright if she does it after classes are over for this term, right?

Once again, sorry for all the questions, I just literally have no clue and don’t want to screw this thing up.

Cliffs: Found the root, not sure what course of action to follow.
TY in advance

Now you know why she cuts.

Never be your partners therapist. Be supportive, but don’t give advice or I promise you it will end poorly if you do. It likely will end either way, but you don’t want to make it worse.

She needs to be counseling on a regular basis consistently and indefinitely. Also, cutters always promise to go to counseling. They rarely keep their word.

You don’t have to worry about screwing it up. I assure you the abuse she’s endured has already ruined it before it even started. You can’t save her superman, but I applaud you for the effort. Also, be aware, a romantic relationship will likely not survive this. Be prepared to let go at any moment.

Related posts:

1. Feeling Overwhelmed Back at school teaching and I have an increased workload...
2. Becoming overwhelmed…how to deal with it? When I have all these racing thoughts and I have...
3. My kid is slitting her wrists My daughter is slitting her wrists. I am really not...

I was recently terminated from my job at a local transportation facility here in Cincinnati OH. Their reason behind the termination was simply a lack of work due to the fact that the company was losing business. I had only been with the company for 6 months and since I was the newbie basically, they let me go.

It has only been several weeks, but I am severely depressed about losing this job. I had just bought a new car, my fiance and I were saving up to buy a house come the end of the year, and now here I am, unemployed.

I feel like I am worthless and that I have let my fiance down because until I get a new job we won’t be saving much for our new house.

I don’t know what to do, I can’t concentrate, can’t enjoy many things of late, and I’m just bitter towards a lot of people and things. I want a job badly, but am afraid I won’t get one soon.

Sorry to bother you all, but I wanted to share.
It’s never a good time when you lose a job that way.. you feel like you’re worthless.. like you weren’t worth enough for them to WANT to keep you..

It’s ok though… I look at it like this.. everything happens for a reason… life goes on, just open up the paper, start over.. see what happens..

Try not to be so depressed, maybe your girl will see it and leave you..
When one door closes, another waits to be opened. Go and see what opportunity awaits behind the next door.

Hey man,
If you were showing up late, every day, hung over as shit, and clocking out early this would be entirely on your shoulders… but this isn’t the scenario now, is it. Just wanted to come in here and say at least this wasn’t because of something you did!! Keep your head up knowing this was beyond your control.
Good luck to you and your girl. This isn’t much I’m sure, but there is no shame in what happened to you. Get your name and face out there and make things happen.
Thanks everyone who has said something so far. mrchina you are absolutely right, I did nothing on my end to screw up my employment.

It’s the truth man, don’t be so hard on yourself Because of the circumstances, would you consider unemployment for the short term while you’re out getting your feet wet…applying for jobs and such? I mean, this is really what it’s for. You paid into the system. If it were me I’d have no problems going after it.

I am going to apply for unemployment, I need to because of some bills I have. It is a blow to your pride, I will tell you that.

Why is unemployment insurance a blow to your pride? Take pride in who you are. You are not your paycheck.

Seeking help where it is readily available is the smart thing to do.

You should follow this up with applying for 10 jobs tomorrow also. Apply for 10 the next day and 10 the next. You should keep up this pattern until you find another job.

You can sit around and cry about the circumstances or your can use that energy to find another job. Most people were looking for a job when they found their current one.

Most people have lost their job at some point. The people that bounce right back and start applying right away are the people the overcome obstacles in their lives…..they are the ones that won’t let a temporary set back wreck them financially because they are willing to work and won’t stop looking till they find it.

I know it’s difficult and unexpected and you feel bad. But you have to realize, there are no guarantees in life and most people will have to deal with being laid off/fired for whatever reason. Hell I was once fired because I was a bartender and I was drinking up all the booze.

So file for unemployment if you need it but don’t use that as an excuse to take a 3 week vacation from working. Get back out there and apply for another job….make that 10! Before you know it, you’ll be back to working again and have a whole different set of problems to deal with.

Good luck.

I have, I must have filled out 15+ apps on Monster.com and various other websites today. Plus called several contacts I have. I plan on doing the same tomorrow.

Awesome!

Good luck and hang in there. You’ll find something soon.
dude small steps

dont put pressure on yourself like buying a house and all that stuff in a 1 yr span. that’s a very lofty goal for 1 year. give yourself plenty of time to achieve major milestones like that. give yourself 3 years…..its one thing to save for a house but it’s also another thing if you dont enjoy the ride there.

just take small steps to get the ball rolling again and then everything else will come along at the right time. you dont take a house to the grave u know

I’m 24 and living at home, trying to save up to buy a house and move out. A lot of my income went to paying off student loans. I want to get out of here, I feel like a loser living at home.
eat some salad and steak it will make you feel better
if it doesn’t, eat more salad and steak until you DO feel better
this combination makes you poop daily
Everyone here is right in that you did nothing to cause this, so don’t worry! Unemployement Insurance is for people like YOU who were let go for no cause of their own who need a little help making it to that next job that will be even better than the last.

Everything does happen for a reason, and maybe the perfect job for you is just waiting around the corner. Good job in filling out those apps and getting a start. Just sell yourself and how wonderful you know you are to each of those employers and they will be fighting over you

And use this time to decide what you and your fiance need out of a job, and also use the extra time at home to show just how much you love and appreciate her.
Don’t worry! I’m sure you’ll find another job! Since you live in Cinci, you could try working at SkyLine Chili!

Thanks 08′er!!!!!!!!!!
you were laid off due to a poor business climate instead of poor conduct. Its not fun, but at least you weren’t flat out fired due to detrimental conduct.

It sucks, no doubt, but those things happen… Turn that frown upside down, take a very deep breath and move forward.

you’ll find another job… hopefully even a better one

Hopefully. I have my resume out on Monster and career builder, not too much in the way of hits right now, but I am in contact with several recruiters.

Related posts:

1. Any job is better than NO job…right? Agree or disagree? My cousin who is 26 is lazy...
2. My financial situation has me depressed Im 25 years old and really have nothing to show...
3. Alone and depressed. **VERY LONG READ**. Girlfriend of 7 years and I broke...

Girlfriend of 7 years and I broke up last July. To make a long story short, our relationship was a bit rocky and I made a mistake. It didn’t involved sleeping with anyone else but still a mistake nonetheless. We tried to work through it and things were up and down. About a year after I told my girlfriend about what happened between me and the other girl we ended up breaking up (last July). I’ve been so lost since then. I have not dated nor do I have any interest in dating. I’m ok during the day while at work but at night i’m extremely depressed. I go several nights a week without speaking to anyone or saying anything the entire night. I have a dog and honestly he sometimes is the only thing that gets me through the night.

I live in the house that the girlfriend and I purchased together. I cannot sell it because of the bad market right now or i’d be losing quite a bit of money so i’ve taken over payments all together and i’m doing fine with that. We talk off and on but i’ve tried several times to completely separate ties. We have known eachother a very large part of our lives and have been through ALOT. Friends death, family troubles and have always stuck by eachother. Whenever I begin to distance myself she notices and I can tell it hurts her. She’s dating another guy (they started dating about 6 months after we broke up so it’s not that she jumped right in. I know in essence I should just simply move on and cut all ties but it’s so extremely difficult to do this.

I’m so incredibly lost; I spend several nights a week crying myself to sleep. I sometimes just ignore any phone calls because I just cannot talk to anyone. When you’re in a 7 year relationship, you tend to focus alot of time and energy on your SO. Because of this, I don’t have many friends. I have work acquaintances and so on but not many true friends. Everyone is busy with their own lives and I don’t want to bombard them with my misery.

I feel bad posting on here because I feel like this is such a pity story and it’s so easy for others to just say, "shut up, quit whining and move on". I feel like a piece of me is gone. It’s been about 8 months since the break up and I don’t feel any better. Some days, I feel better and try and stay busy/active. I play basketball/football and just try and stay busy when i’m home. No matter what, when I lay down to go to sleep, I start to think. I think about us, how great things were and I just can’t let go of the feeling that we should be together. We were young when we started dating (about 17 and 18) but grew up together and had our other experiences during high school, etc.

I’m not the type of guy to go to a bar, pick up a girl, bring her home and fuck her. It’s not me and it will never be me. I don’t feel right even beginning to talk to another girl at this point as I just don’t feel I can give any respectable portion of my attention to her and that’s not fair to her.

OT: I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. I need help and I know this but don’t know where to turn, what to do, and how to do it.
You just have to cut all ties with the girl. Go to the gym, join coed sports leagues just do stuff to keep active that will keep your mind off the past.

Ive been there before..i know its tough
Have you tried talking to a counselor of some sort about this? Maybe you just need a bit of outside help to get you through this, especially considering the relationship was 7 years long. Someone who is impartial to the situation can help you get through the issues you’re having trouble dealing with.

I identify with this. My biggest issue right now is that I want someone, and respectable women who want relationships don’t typically congregate anywhere. lol

I went through a really hard break-up about 7 years ago, and talking to a professional helped me immensely. I still have difficulty with women, and haven’t had much in the form of a relationship, but life is livable.

when you have no one else to talk to, this isn’t a bad place to talk.
Thanks for all the positive responses. I feel at a loss with all of this. It’s as if I forgot how to "pick up women". It’s pathetic in a sense but understandable in the fact that i’ve been with the same girl for the last 7 years.

I have to much respect for women to date just to date or "to get some ass". I do miss the companionship though. It’s tough being home alone every night, no one to tell your day stories too and no one to spend time with whether it’s eating dinner or watching TV. This is by far the toughest point.

Some will say that I just miss the companionship but it’s not that. The two of us were a great fit, we were the same yet we had our differences (if that makes any sense). She fit my personality like no other person ever would. I know there are plenty of girls out there and I need to be more open to things but it’s tough at this point.

Again, thank you to all the responses so far. It is nice to know that you’re not "alone" in this world and I will say that OT has gotten me through many nights. It makes me feel like i’m not as "alone" as I sometimes think.
where in the philly area are you? I’m on the 202 corridor near Delaware.

Anyways.. yeah that shit’s rough… feeling lonely is the worst feeling I can imagine. It’s demoralizing to a level that cannot be explained, or at least it is to me.

I’ve been here. I had to read "the mystery method." Its corny, stupid, demeaning, and childish. But it works at giving people like you and I a weapon, tool,or a skill. You said yourself that you "forgot how to pick up women." Well this book will tell you how to do it, so the next time you want to talk to a girl at the grocery store, you’ll know to ask her some stupid shit to get her talking. It works.

It really starts working when you learn to align the social "keys" they point out, with your personality. I can entertain women now, and my friends too. I became unlikable in the last better part of a decade where I sat at home, and was pissed off at women because they didn’t come get me.

You have to go out and get the women, that’s just how it is. Like it or not, you must do this, they will not com into your house and take you away. So read those books, be smarter than most of the fags who read this stuff, use it respectfully and genuinely so you can have your pick of women to forge a relationship with. Don’t forget that the cool part about talking to 20 different women every night, is you get to pick the ones you want.

Go out and hand select the woman you want. The Mystery Method works when the users use the skills (not recited verbatim) in the book.
Staying in the house you two bought is why its still in your mind. Sell the house and sever ties.
I’d say try hanging out at a park or a coffee house for a while, write down your thoughts while you do it, girls thinks guys who write are artsy.
Artsy = hot.

Even if you’re not picking up the ladies by the dozen, you’ll have atleast gotten out of your house.

You say you have a dog? FANTASTIC. Girls love dogs, they love guys with dogs because that tells them you’re responsible enough to keep another living thing alive. Take your dog for a walk, to the pet store, to the dog park wherever. Meet other people with dogs, atleast there you’ll have human interaction.

I honestly don’t have any idea what ‘mistake’ you made, but I’m sure when you made it there was some reason concious or not that you made that mistake. There is always a reason for a relationship to end, and sometimes remembering why the relationship ended will help make you stop missing it so much.
I’ve been there. It’s not easy to adjust to "single life" when you were in a 7 year relationship. For me, surrounding myself with and reconnecting with friends and family helped a lot. Don’t build a wall and isolate yourself…being around those who genuinely care and support you will help you get through the days.

I hate to tell you this but you need to completely cut yourself from her if you want to move on with your life. Keeping in touch will only make it more difficult for you to move on. If it hurts her, it hurts her. You need to do it for your own good.

It’s normal to "grieve" for a while but just remember that life will go on and no matter how much you wish it was different, IT IS WHAT IT IS. You will need to learn to accept the fact that it’s over.

Related posts:

1. My financial situation has me depressed Im 25 years old and really have nothing to show...
2. Lost my Job, Depressed over it Hey fellow OTer’s. I thought I would drop in and...
3. I’m so depressed I’m almost non-functional. Second semester of my freshman year in college and I’m...