I’ve missed you around here! How’s everything with the little lady?
Italy! I hope you’re not overdoing it with all the siteseeing, you need to stay well my friend.

I’d be having the time of my life is I were there.

I was just thinking about you, glad you had a good time at least.

Italy is more of a 2-3 week visit place, honestly. Staying there for months on end can get kinda frustrating…
3 months and already homesick? Enjoy the opportunity. Not many people get the opportunity to live in another country for 3 months. Italy is a nice country. Once you’re back home, you look back and wish you had made more of the opportunity. Man up.
Thanks everyone. Yeah, I’ll be coming back, probably next year for a few more months. I’m coming home with some really exciting ways to hopefully get well. I’ve spent months here and my girlfriend has helped me study and try a lot of new things that I never would have done.

I’ve posted pictures on my myspace for everyone to see if anyone cares. My latests blogs also tell about my trip and things I’ve done.

Cool man….hope you feel better soon and welcome back to the good ole US of A.

I don’t mean a dick, but spending 3 months in Italy is actually a lot harder than it seems. I’d know because I’ve lived there on and off for the last 4 years, with one year-long stint, and several in the 4-8 month range. Doing something like that is so completely and totally different from a vacation, not only because it’s just so much longer, but also because it’s more real. When you’re on vacation, everything is really charming, and great, and wonderful, and you’ve got a return date. You know when you’ll be seeing your family/friends/SO. When you live somewhere for months on end, things start to get a little bit tougher, because everything becomes more real. The actual weight of the time you’re spending there starts to sink in (especially if you’re working), and naturally you start to miss the important people in your life. It also makes it tougher to deal with the frustrations of everyday life (and in Italy, there are plenty). My advice? Don’t do the whole ‘counting down the hours’ thing, because it’ll just make the hours seem that much longer. I do agree that you have to make the most of the opportunity, but the most important thing is to stay positive. If you start getting negative and thinking about how homesick you are, you won’t get much done at all, and you’ll end up depressed…
Just out of curiosity, which part of Italy?

I had a boss from Trieste. She goes apeshit after spending a month there. Nothing gets done within any time frame. Nothing. That’s why trash is STILL piled in the streets in suburban Naples after several months.

She moved to the states when she was 10 or so, so now she’s as American as apple pie. I travel a lot, I hate and love America… there’s really no place like home.

MB, I must have missed it, but why did you go there again?

Exactly. It’s impossible sometimes…

I spent 6 months in the Netherlands, have been to over 15 countries, and now, will be living in Japan for 3 years. Like I said, man up. It’s all about what you make of it. Then again, I’m not really one to get homesick. I love traveling. I’m speaking out of experience, dick

Hahah, we’re in a similar boat, I’ve been all over the world as well! I guess we just have different views on this kind of thing (although I do agree that you need to make the most of the opportunity!), but then again, Italy was the only place that I really felt that way about, hahah. Homesickness was something that I’ve learned to deal with over the years, but it took me a little while. Since I was 15 (so, for the last 5 years or so) I’ve been home for longer than two months TWICE, so I’ve had my share of experience with that, haha

Also, I have to admit that I’m jealous that you get to live in Japan!

Metallic has the advantage that he is with his girlfriend. I came out to Japan 2 weeks ago. Can’t speak the language and don’t know a single person, but I’m loving it. I have to agree with you about Italy. I only visited Italy, and Rome was the only place that got to me. Can’t exactly put my finger on it. Maybe it was being Asian and traveling around with a blonde Russian girl. We got stares everywhere we went. Walk into a restaurant or store, and the whole place would stare at us. Got to be a bit unnerving. Thought I was going to get into fights, especially, on the trains, because guys would stare us down bad. So, I can’t really say what it would be like living in Rome. Didn’t get that in Florence or Venice, though. It’s strange how I’ve been to more countries than States back home. Nothing beats traveling. Gives you a whole different perspective about life and about the States. Even with all our problems, we really do live in a great country. Now, I can’t stand how people complain and whine about the smallest things back home. Things that are a privelidge (sp?), but people think are rights.

You’re also not disabled. Being away from my care providers my doctors, my friends — it’s terrifying, but I had to do it. I had to take a risk to feel alive. I’m glad you’ve had all those opportunities and lived them to the fullest.

It’s true, this country has a lot of awful things happening. It’s a lot like the United States politically now. The political leaders are puppets of the Mafia. They run everything here. You’ve seen "The Departed, Godfather, Good Fellas" — while the exact events obviously are fiction, the activities of The Sopranos, and these movies is exactly what these people are doing. Toxic waste has been dumped all over the streets, trash everywhere in South Italy. The country is in trouble, and facism is gradually returning.

Also, they don’t even acknowledge that Lyme Disease exists here, but a there are tons of people sick with it! And there is no one to treat them. It’s all over Europe too, and the UK, Sweden, everywhere.

I agree. I love and hate my home, but everywhere seems to have it’s good and no so good parts. Denmark is perhaps one of the few places that is nearly perfect right now. Good luck getting in though.

I’m visiting my girlfriends family. Which is a whole other beast. Her father is sick with Lyme (I can tell), but refuses to get treated. He has all the psychiatric symptoms, the abdominal pain, joint problems, fatigue when awakening. Long story, but he loves tending to his garden, and I think he got it there. I caught a nymph tick crawling up my girlfriends leg while we were at a small gathering. It was the size of the period at the end of this sentence. I’m costantly watching for them, you know? They’re the primary carriers of the illness (s). Everyone flipped out when we saw it, and we left! They know this disease well.

I agree, it’s a great country. Too bad our health care system is shot. At least in Italy you can get all your medications and testing for free, but the testing isn’t even accurate for most things.

Too bad my condition is so controversial, the insurance companies won’t cover me, even though I have insurance. They claim that long time antibiotics don’t work for Chronic Lyme Disease, yet antibiotics have been the only thing that have worked in the 21 years that I’ve been trying to get help. I’ve done a lot of treatment, and only tetracycline and a few others have helped.

It’s the same in other countries too. They all follow the IDSA guidelines. The infectious Disease society of America. They were just investigated by the attorney general of connecticut for anti-trust violations. Basically any doctor who believed, based on the available scientific research, that Chronic Lyme Disease exists (Persistent infection), was not allowed to serve on the panel which formulated the guidelines.

Medical doctors and insurance companies use the guidelines to give or deny care!

The investigation concluded on May 1st, and here is what they said:

(1)Reference:

I realize I’m talking a lot about my situation and health here, and I hope it doesn’t bother anyone, but it’s had such a significant impact on my trip, and it’s also a reason I am homesick. I wouldn’t be homesick if I wasn’t stuck inside most of the time and I wouldn’t be stuck inside if these bastards weren’t breaking the law and keeping scientific research suppressed in order to profit financially.

So while stuck inside I’ve been writing letters to politicians over these issues with the illness, and trying to get bills passed to fund research to help solve the problem. Now I’m finding out the IDSA has been lobbying the man (Frank Pallone of NJ) and have him in their pockets. So he refuses to let the bill pass.

It’s a lot of stress having people standing in the way of your recovery, and having such a nice trip affected by that fact.

I absolutely agree. One of the biggest reasons I’ve taken this trip is because I am sick, very sick at times. I physically and neurologically/psychiatrically am affected directly by this health problem. I’ve been encouraged by family friends and my counselor to "consider" getting out of the house, to make a trip, so that I feel I’m living, that I’m seeing the world a little.

Being sick with Lyme is a lot like being in prison. You have your books, your three square meals (If you’re not vomitting them up), and you have a little place to exercise. Beyond that, you don’t like using the phone, light sensitivity and sound sensitivity, as well as "confusion" make going outside a huge activity, overwhelming in-fact.

So being here, has been a massive challenge. Treating my illness has also been hard. When on treatment, antibiotics primarily, I turn into a hermit, and I become a bastard for awhile until they kick in, which can take awhile. I can’t have "any" relationships and very minimal interaction with people during these periods. The only way I can stop this behavior is by stopping treatment.

Can you imagine living like that, and having to pick and choose when you treat, just so people won’t abandon you? Being in Italy has been hard for all those reasons.

I love that I had the balls to do this, and I did see a few things, but in total of 3 months, I’ve spent less than 2 weeks outside.

It’s true. And even though my life at home is just as mundane, so is being here. It’s "charm" wore off after a month and a half. If I was well, I’d have gone non-stop and seen everything. It’s a great country to visit, but like anywhere else, it becomes "the same" after awhile.

Thankfully I don’t do those things, but regardless still end up with the symptoms. I make the best of it, and the best of it is very limited and restricted. I accept that, but it’s made me more homesick because I’m confined a lot.

I want to start my antibiotics back up. I feel sicker now because I stopped, but I didn’t want to have to go back on them. There is nothing anyone can really advise or do for me — but just sharing this helps. It’s so sad to me that I have missed or had so many great opportunities only to watch them fritter away while I’m ill.

I’m just south of Milan. I’ve been there, to Turine and Genoa. I wanted to go to Florence but I couldn’t physically handle staying there for a few nights, so we decided to wait until I return next year.

Sorry for all the complaining, but it really is hard.
^^ Sorry to hear about your condition . Had no idea. Hope everything works out.

It’s alright man. A lot of people here knew I was leaving on this trip and that this stuff was a major issue of concern to me. I just wanted to let everyone know that it was hard, but I still did it. I made it through it so far!

Can’t be anymore frustrating than being at work getting your intelligence insulted and wanting to slit your wrists

(No I am not really going to do that, but I am really fucking tired of some piddly shit going on )

Your positive attitude is overwhelming.

Sorry to hear work is going so poorly for you.

It’s easy for Americans to complain about shit here but for a "first world country" Italy is more like a second tier developing country where nothing gets done right at all and crony capitalism is the soup de jour.

It’s a nice place to visit but any Italian with an education is taking off and heading elsewhere in the EU and abroad pretty quickly.
Sorry I dont give a shit if you are homesick or not you are in an opportunity I will never get and would kill for.

Your like the woman with a loaf of bread under each arm crying because she has no ham.
im glad to hear everything is alright. even though i dont know you i hope nothing but the best for you man! keep it up.
I’ve been hearing about the trash situation in Italy. Can you give a perspective about what is happening over there with the trash?!

Off topic, but I’m loving Japan more and more everyday. The women are absolutely gorgeous. I’ve never dated an Asian, so it’s going to be a new experience. I don’t think I’ll ever date a white woman again. You should see how damn short some of the skirts are that the Japanese women wear. They love to show off their legs, and their is no hint of cellulite. Must be something in the water back in the States that make women so fat and cellulite prone. 80% of the white women I see here are overweight. Must suck to be them to see all these gorgeous, fit Japanese women everywhere!!!!

wait till you get to know them.. you’ll wanna gouge your ears and brain.

Trust me on this. I’ve been there a bunch of times, dated j-girls, best friend is out in yokohama and his gf was a nut case…. hopefully their dad will approve of them dating a white devil.

It’s all good. I have come to the conclusion some are unhappy with themselves so they are just trying to make me unhappy. Too bad. I give NO apology for being satisfied with myself, my life, or any venture I choose to take on.

Why do you want to come back to Springfield anyways,

Enjoy yourself!

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The possibilites seem to be (in my mind):
1.) attention
2.) self loathing
3.) Peer pressure/acceptance
4.) omgwtfbbq

She lives with her mom in Texas and I see her at spring break, christmas and summer. During spring break, she had a few slits on one wrist. Her mom knows about it but hasn’t gotten serious about counseling or anything.

Is cutting something that is in vogue? My daughter claims she is the only one in her school doing it and she isn’t looking for attention.

Fuck man, she is my baby, it kills me to see her deface herself like this.

She needs to talk to someone about that. Counseling or peers, whatever it is she needs some form of help. This is not normal behavior.
Dunno what to tell you man, I think slitting your wrists is very serious, and should be handled properly. I don’t see how one justifies doing it without there being something seriously wrong. I don’t think the fact that she is young is a good enough reason to accept her doing something like this. (peer pressure, attn, etc)
If I were you, I’d be doing something to figure out why she’s doing it, and stop it. It is NOT normal.

She doesn’t claim to be suicidal, just emo. Somehow she thinks cutting is a type of release.

I hope a parent of an emo kid shows up here.

So…..she will be here on May 31st (and staying for almost 2 months). I should set up a weekly meeting with a psychologist for while she is here?

She talks about it like it is just no big deal at all. It is so fucking weird. I would love to know who put these fucked up ideas in her head.
Self cutting is actually fairly common, my girlfriend used to do it. She cant really explain why, she wasnt trying to kill herself or looking for attention or anything. Like you said, some kind of release.

This idea was put in these people’s head though. Because when I was a kid, no one did this shit. They found other ways to release their pent up emotions.
look up "self-injury" on wikipedia. this behavior is not the problem itself but a symptom of emotional problems/distress. it should be taken seriously. according to my understanding, this is less about suicide and more about releasing tension and frustration.

i don’t think you can really support the claim that no one did that when you were young…

Let me rephrase. "Cutting" seemed expotentially less prevalent amongst the teenagers 20 years ago in my estimation.

will do.
I always wonder why one would slit their wrists to release the tension when they can just get off and not have any permanent damage. Doesn’t it suit the same goal?

When you say "get off" you mean masturbate or have sex?

I don’t know about that. I just don’t think it was known about or accepted. I have spoken to quite a few counselors about this (good friend and nephew were both doing this) and one of the major reason given for this was that the ‘child’ felt helpless. Voiceless. Not in control and unable to deal with or express that.

I would recommend counseling. I know a lot of people think of that as a bad word, or admitting a weakness or whatever… but it will truly help this girl deal with whatever it is that she is going through.

Masturbation would be the most likely substitute. I mean, what’s the point of cutting yourself for some "release" of tension when you can fill your brain with endorphins repeatedly without any scars?

I don’t think they are looking for endorphins.

cutting is bad enough, but she is playing with fire on the wrists.

Thighs or something if she has to cut. I know that’s not a real solution, but it could easily save her life.

Check this site out and follow some/all of the suggestions/advice given:

This "cutting" seems to be the physical embodiment of a child that is discontent with the world around them/their place in it and is often attributable to a broken home/disrupted family life.

She’s your child, talk to her and encourage her to talk to you. Just be ready for anything that she might have to say, and I do mean anything, and don’t discriminate or express distaste with whatever she has to say…, remember, she’s internalizing her inability to find anyone in her world to discuss her problems with, the conflicts and contradictions she sees in the world unfolding around her, and allow her to vent without passing judgement on anything that she’ll have to say.

She wants/needs to be listened to and to know that what she has to say counts for something. Essentially, just be her Dad.
If it’s a way to release tension… maybe she could find other ways to release tension.

Playing sports?
Taking Karate/boxing/whatever classes?
Something exhausting is always the best imo.
It releases the built up tension from not dealing with her emotions. There is something that is causing her so much pain, that she doesn’t know how to deal with it. Another cause may be that she just feels numb, and does it just to feel anything; even though it’s pain. Cutting is a very serious problem and requires counseling. She needs to talk about whatever her pain is and feel the emotions, only then will she be able to find a better way to release her tension.

IMO it’s not weird for her to talk about it like it’s no big deal, she’s crying out for help. You can minimize this and think it’s strange but you’re likely to wake up to a dead child. Minimize this at your own risk.

If I were in your shoes, I would have a long talk with her mother and get my daughter into long term counseling and perhaps in house therapy.

Cutting oneself isn’t normal, it’s a sign that things are really wrong but the person doesn’t know how to deal. Get them help dealing.

Good luck and God Bless.

You know one person that did this so obviously it’s fairly common?

Get a grip….it’s not healthy nor is it all that common. It is however, a sign that things are really wrong.
In the past month of college I’ve met 2 girl who told me that they cut themselves. Both of them gave me an almost identical reason in that when they cut they feel like their problems are being relieved. In my opinion one of them has serious mental issues and there’s nothing I can do to help her. But the other girl is much more reasonable and hopefully I’ll be able to talk to her and find out another way she can go about relieving stress. They both make sure to put the cuts in places that people won’t see. Both admit that they started cutting on their arms until their parents found out then they started putting the cuts in places not visible with clothes on. So I suggest that you don’t hound your daughter about cutting herself or she’ll probably just put them in places you can’t see and just tell you she stopped.

I lol-ed.
The fact that her mom isn’t doing anything about it will possibly make things worse.

In my experience people cut when they are trying to feel something, anything. Something is going on.. Since she isn’t trying to hide it 100% then she is consciously or not asking for help. She needs to talk to someone.
Want me to show her how to rip her toenails out instead? It’s less visible and more satisfying.

I knew a kid that did that when I lived in Canada.. He did it to his fingernails too and would then color the skin black.

It always creeped me out but I felt bad for the guy too. That shit looked like it HURT.

13

I wish she would too. When she is at my house it is non stop sports, but that culture doesn’t exist at her mom’s house in Texas, where she is most of the time.

She says her life there is hell and all she wants is to come to my house. She has never cut herself while at my house.
like others have said, get her some help. if she is openly telling you and her mother about this, its a cry for help. she may not be trying to kill herself, but the location of the cutting might lead to that very thing accidently.

hopefully if she is willing to tell you that she is doing this, she will be willing to go speak with someone about issues that might be causing it.

and give her love and support (which you probably do anyway). it worries me that her mom doesnt seem very concerned. it very well could be for attention if the mom barely notices

The mom took her to a counselor like once or twice. She is a single mom who has alienated her relatives and has 3 kids. So it is likely logistically difficult for her to get my daughter to counseling.

I think based on what you guys have said here, I will arrange for her to see a counselor while she is here for the summer. It is the best I can do I think.

i think it is somewhat normal behavior but is not healthy behavior
People cut because physical pain > emotional pain. Its a form of stress release for those daily life problems that won’t go away, or in other words your daughter is depressed about her daily life problems,

Its a situation like this , if someone called you an asshole, you’d brush it away as the person isn’t worth your time listening to, that’s the normal way people would deal with it.

If someone would call your daughter a bitch on the other hand, she’d get angered and frustrated, and because she can’t place or redirect the negativity in a good way , she’d get emotionally stressed, and to down that emotional stress, she would start cutting herself in an attempt to release some emotional steam.

Its worthless of course , its like people drinking booze wanting to make their problem go away but it doesn’t work, because cutting,drinking,anti-depressants etc etc are problem supressors and NOT problem solvers.

She needs to work on the root of the problem, and definitly needs to see a psychologist, and you also need to convince her to coooperate with the psychologist in order to tackle her mental problems.

Input = output

If the surroundings are fucked up, then she gets fucked up. Your little girl is like a sponge absorbing all the negativity in her life without knowing how to deal with it, she’d better learn fast on how to defend herself, and how to release her emotions instead of making it a murder hole and start cutting.

Speed is of the essense , the faster you work on it, the more likely she’ll recover. Removing the depressing factors, and stabilizing her enviroment as wel as strenghtening her self image, are important.

I say it always like this. Imagine if you are stuck in a room, what helps better, crying and cutting or a key to get out? Make sure your daughter gets help, and works on finding the key to unlock the door of her problems, tackle the root not the symptoms.

a model citizen as always you toenail ripping tent dweller
Dude, you are not equipped to deal with this. Get her to counseling.
I’d love to give advice, but just reading the thread alone makes the hair on my body stand.

Good luck, man.
I know this is a serious thread, and I agree that you should definitely take this seriously and seek professional help for her and talk to her yourself first but ummm LMFAO @ this….

I believe that seeking professional help for your child is necessary. Self-mutilation can be steamed from numerous things, including depression, anger, self-loathing, family problems, etc.

I’ll reply with more of something that might be able to help you through PM.

I came to post just this.

There are several reasons why people self injure. Some people do it because they claim they feel emotionally numb or dead inside. When they physically hurt themselves, they feel physical pain. While its not the same as emotional pain, it is still a feeling. People who engage in self injury for this reason claim to feel alive while they hurting themselves. To them, any sensation is better than no sensation at all.

Some people use self injury as a form of self punishment. They feel worthless or useless and as punishment for who they are, the self injure. Statistically, people who self injure as form of punishment also have other addictions like sexual, drug or eating disorders.

Some people use it as a way to manifest their emotional pain into physical pain. People who engage in self injury for this reason are not able to express or manage the emotional pain they feel. For someone who has maladaptive coping skills, emotional pain becomes extremely distressing. Knowing that emotional pain tends to last longer and hurt more than physical pain, they change their pain from something they don’t understand to something they can effectively manage. For them, a broken arm is better than a broken heart.

Get your daughter in therapy. Find a doctor (PhD or PsyD, it doesn’t matter which) who is skilled in working with both young girls and self injury. Their experience is key. Ideally, they should use a humanistic approach (commonly known as client-centered therapy) and if they claim to have an eclectic approach, be skeptical and check their credentials. Meet with the doctor first. Interview the doctor way you interviewed her pediatrician when she was an infant.

Hug your daughter. Talk to her. Don’t be angry or upset when she reveals some shocking and painful information, because she most likely will. Communicate communicate communicate. Don’t be afraid to ask your daughter questions. Too many times parents side step serious issues like this because they are afraid that talking about it will only propel the child further. That’s not true. She wants to be heard and understood so give her your time and attention. Talk to her and show her how to effectively manage her emotions. Other people have suggested physical activity and that’s a super great idea.

Its so unfortunate that her mother is acting so blase, regardless of how she really feels. Way to step up for your daughter. You’re a good dad Good luck and Godspeed to you both My thoughts and prayers are with you both

If this is true then you might want to talk to an attorney about getting primary custody of your daughter. There might be many things she’s not telling you about what goes on when she’s living with her mom.

Regardless, my heart goes out to you and your daughter. I’ll keep you both in my prayers and I hope you find her the help she needs. Please don’t minimize her actions because she talks about them in casual ways. It’s good that she feels comfortable enough with you to tell you those things but her actions are an indication that things are not going well in her life….in fact, it’s an indication that things are very wrong.

Good luck and God Bless.
^^ Listen to this one. He’s right and he gives good advice.

About 10% of the population from what I can find. It is a sign that something is wrong, she doesn’t see it that way because it relieves whatever stress or lack of emotion she is dealing with.

Sports or some other form of ‘release’ may not satisfy whatever she is looking for. I would be wary to assume that she never cut herself while at your place. I am sure you are a great father and that somehow if she did cut herself at your place, it would be your fault. You cannot think that way, that will make it worse, make her go into hiding with it so that you don’t feel responsible for her actions.

10% is no where near "fairly common". That’s actually quite rare.
This is a post I made a few years ago. I repost it every now and then when the topic arises. I think you’ll find my words useful.

Yeah I’m interested too

wow. im 20 and ive never had the balls to actually slit them. pretty pathetic considering how miserable and fucked up i am

Nope it just shows that your body is functioning fine, i personally extremely dislike pain most likely just like others, i wouldn’t add additional pain to my already painfull life by doing stuff like that, as i don’t like to get hurt.
She is NOT going to look at you and say, ‘This is a suicide attempt.’.
Then again, if she does ever say that you need to take it seriously.

She needs help. Good talk therapy. Get her Mother on the horn and find out why Mom isn’t taking it seriously.
Ummm, I know how she feels…when I was in highschool(it’s not easy at all for girls developing and we get NO breaks from peer pressure, friends, life, etc, etc..) I also cut myself. It does help in a weird way…I am NOT saying that it is alright nor should she be left alone about it BUT I know how the kid feels, it releases an emotional pain you can’t deal with…and it’s usually b/c they are depressed (i was for years). You get this build up of multiple emotions(usually anger, sadness, insecurities) and the only way to sort them in that state of mind is to physically hurt yourself…it gives a temporary sense of relief, TEMPORARY that being it usually gets to that spot again where you have to do it again…and again and even years down the road

INTERVENE!!! I finally had to breakdown and go on depression medicine and get help from an outside source to help me deal.

For your kids sake (she may be upset with you for getting involved) but in the long run it’s for the best and for her health, happiness and safety!

That’s why she does it. The feelings are unbearable, she can’t express them or tolerate them, cutting is a way of coping as it releases the feelings.

It is an expression of feelings that can’t be verbalised, a physical distraction from the physical sensations of anxiety which are frightening and unpleasant. There is also a release of hormones that helps calm the distress.

She needs help to learn to verbalise her feelings and find healthier ways of coping with distress. Do not give her web links, self harming is common and contact with others via online forums can make things worse due to peer pressure. Do not stop her cutting, it is the only way she has of coping, but get her help to minimise harm until she can stop.

Most kids out grow this habit, meanwhile, other than therapy, lots of cuddles and understanding will go a long way.
My ex had had wrist marks… Turns out she cut herself when she was younger, kinda like a release, she said it started with her parents divorce… She didn’t do it anymore when i was datin her

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So anyways, the next day (today), she instant messaged me saying that she feels weird about last night, as in she made it completely sound like I forced myself onto her and she was kinda freaked out and a little scared, even though she was the one that ended up kissing me.

So what is it that she’s doing??

Am I a sick, perverted asshole that read all the wrong signs?

or is she just using that story as a crutch to make herself feel better about cheating on her bf with me?

Sorry if the story is confusing.

Who cares?

She’s seeing someone else, but probably not over you yet. You’re not over her yet. You’ve got a recipe for disaster.

Stay away from her, or you’re just going to be in for more frustration, confusion, and drama.
You were a rebound/interim guy. It sucks but its true, head for the hills.
I guess it’s bad to feel glad for your sufferings.

You know she has a boy. Let her find some other guy to cheat on, never be the one.

You use shit seeds, you get shit trees. Then you get shit apples. I mean what were you expecting out of this one, mulligan?
shes trying to make herself feel better and blame you..
don’t give in to it… and don’t waste your time/energy.
Seriously, what were you expecting?

Nirvana, bliss, love, peace, happiness, to come from any of this?

Girl has serious boyfriend, they are official, she goes and knowingly cheats on him after she was cheated on, what do you expect to gain from your ex? A healthy, steady relationship?

The facts are crude. You set yourself up, and fell into an idiot trap.

We can help you out with advice such as, don’t have sex with your ex, don’t have sex with people’s wife to be, and all sorts of helpful advice.

But you’re not even clear about what you’re asking here. If she is making it sound like it was forced, I think you’re going to get your ass kicked by a pissed off boyfriend. You could even get false rape charges. Does that help?

My final thought: Stop making idiot traps. Stop falling in idiot traps.

No, I’m in no way looking to get back with her, I don’t even care in any way at all that she’s moved on.

I was just scared that she started to tell me that I sort of made her do it, but I realize now that she was just using that excuse as a crutch to make her feel better for cheating on her bf.

I didn’t want to be a sex offender I guess.

But other than that, I’ve got no emotional problems with her.
Good news, though.
Just the fact that she’s already forgotten about it and is talking to me and acting like nothing is wrong, even talking to me about her boyfriend, lets me know that she actually was lying when she told me that I scared her into doing it.

She was just looking for any sort of sensible solution to justify cheating on her new guy when she can’t take responsibility for her actions.
Get over yourself.

If your ex is dumb enough to date a guy like that (and you) then she doesn’t seem like the brightest crayon in the box.

Move on. You and her aren’t going to be "friends" and you are not moving on. Find a new girl to flirt and have sex with. Stop talking to her.

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-had a kidney trasnplant at 26, he’s 54 now
-2 years went into a coma, turned out to be liver failure (probably from the rejection meds, he’s not a drug/alcohol user)
-now is trying to get on the liver/kidney transplant list at UCLA
-is in the hospital about 4 times a year with the liver problems, which is extreme confusion/depression
-has lost 50 lbs over this time

Now he is in the hospital again and it’s worse this time and looks like he may not leave. It has been 5 days, which is usually about the time he gets out. His confusion is better, but his kidney function is bad. He has one test left before the transplant team makes their decision on his transplant…it’s an angiogram where they need to use contrast fluid, this could throw his into total kidney failure and he would need to be on dialysis…not sure of the effect on the liver. They are probably just going to end up doing the test because his liver only has a few months left as well as his kidney before he passes anyway, so the transplant is his only hope, so hopefully the test won’t do too much damage. Also, he’s getting a blood transfusion today because his white blood count is low.

Problem is that now he has really lost his will to live. Before he was so excited about the transplant and talking about going back to school to be a paralegal, and fixing up his car. It breaks my heart and we’ve tried to talk to him and say that he’s young and we need him still and my sister is only 19 and his mom lives with my parents, but he says we hate him, etc etc.

I really don’t know what to do, at all. On top of all of this, on the way to the hospital on Monday my mom flipped her car 3 times and totaled it. Luckily she is totally fine besides a few bruises, but obviously shaken up and very worried about eventually telling my dad about it.

ok sorry, that was a shitty summary, but it’s so complicated.
It sounds like he wants to live, but because hes been down this road soooooooooooo many times before its tough for him. He needs you to support him while hes goes through this even harder time. Just try to cheer him up and be on his side. Hopefully the docs will decide he does need the transplant soon.
Fuck Calisteph, I’m am so sorry What’s the best way we can support you through this?

pm me or aim me if you want to talk

Thanks, but I’m really more worried about him right now. He’s become really depressed/angry. He’s mad at us for not letting him go home. We tell him he needs another test to get on the list and he says he doesn’t care and he wants to go home and die.

I mean, it is hard on me. I’ve always been really close to my dad and I just can’t imagine my life without him in it, but right now I barely think of that, because I’m more worried about his mental status than my own.
You said he wanted to fix up his car. Maybe you can take a pic of it and bring it in for him to keep by his bedside. Getting excited about a passion and give him some motivation and drive. He’s way too young to be giving up.
I understand.

The last time my mom was diagnosed with cancer she decided after a few weeks of treatment that she wanted to stop all treatments and just come home to die. It was the most horrifying month of my life. I was too afraid to move- I would literally laid in bed for days.. not talking to anyone, not leaving my apt, just letting the days slip by. I felt like if I even breathed too deeply I would shatter into a million little pieces. I would beg her to keep trying- telling her my brothers and I needed her, that there was so much we didn’t know, how could we go on without her? It was excruciating. Just thinking about it actually became physically painful.

I don’t know if she really wanted to die or not, but after a very intense fight between her, my dad and my brothers, she started treatment again. I can’t even imagine enduring that for an extended period of time the way you have. You are very strong. I’m so sorry that you and your family have to live in that pain and fear everyday.

I never wanted to talk about it when it was happening either- I was far too worried about my mom and I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it anyway. However, if you happen to change your mind, we’re here to support you.
You can’t give up on your dad and you absolutely have to stay strong. Yeah I know I may sound like the typical person, but unfortunately I’ve been down that road with dealing with a sick parent. My mom was very sick. She had scleroderma, where basically it’s an auto immune disease that affects your internal organs and your body starts to slowly shut down. Last year starting in March all the way through August she went into the hospital 5 times. (Had open heart surgery, had a stent inserted, went through multiple x rays, angiograms, was hooked up to a ventilator for 2 weeks, etc.) She fought with my dad and me screaming that she doesn’t want to take her medications, that she’s sick and tired of all this shit and that she just wants to die. Everytime she went into the hospital, no one could do anything for her so she got sick of it all. She kicked the doctors and nurses out of her room, refused treatment, etc. How did I deal with all of this? I don’t know… I didn’t give up though. As much as I wanted to lash out on her and call her a selfish person I didn’t. I tried my very hardest to stay strong, to be by her bedside and talk to her even though she was unconcious encouraging her to hold on. Give your dad a reason to live. Tell him your future plans or what you guys could do together when he gets out. Bring him some stuff from home..pictures of his car, of his family, etc. Take breaks…walk out of his room and take a deep breath if he’s being really hard to deal with. Think of what you would want people to do if you were in his shoes. You need to also prepare yourself for the worse. Well you can’t actually prepare, but still, I think you know what I mean. I’m saying this from experience because unfortunately my mom didn’t make it through. At least I know that she isn’t suffering anymore and that’s the only thing that will keep me going. This is the best advice that I can personally give you. If you have any questions about anything let me know and please keep us updated.
The only thing I have to say is don’t tell your Dad about the car accident unless you are forced into it.
Your Dad has enough problems right now.

If the insurance company needs his signature then you tell him. When he comes home from the hospital then you tell him.
But for the exact moment.
Leave it be.

Good luck. Be strong.

No it wasn’t shitty at all.

I’m so sorry that you and you’re family are going through this right now.

I know, first hand, the frustration that comes from having a loved one that has lost their will to live. My dad went through a time like this yet he lived for 2 more years!! See my dad found my brother, after my brother had committed suicide (pistol to the head). It broke my dad emotionally and he just couldn’t go on. He didn’t want to….life was too difficult…..yet he lived for 2 more years.

I had to watch him go from being a normal, healthy man to someone who I couldn’t even have a conversation with. It was awful and I felt so powerless to help. I literally didn’t know what to say or do to snap him out of the funk he was in. It was so hard to not just rage at him.

If I had it to do over again, I would be much more pro-active in helping him deal with stuff. I would take get him doing some things like mild exercise. I would also add humor….a LOT MORE humor. I’d prolly take him on easy walks or even riding bikes. I would rent really funny movies that he used to like and just watch them when we’re together. I’d play more music he liked in the house. I’d tell him more…..that I love him and that I’m here for him.

Sadly tho, I can’t do those things because less than 2 years after my bro died, my dad died. That’s been 21 years ago and now, I’m much more assertive with those I care about. I did the best I could at the time but I now know, I could have done so much more. I just wanted God to fix him…I also didn’t realize how depressed he was. I mean I kinda knew but I didn’t accept it. I really just thought he would get better. If I had any idea that it might lead to his death, I would have done soo much more.

I don’t know if that helps or not but hang in there and I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.
update:

he’s a lot better mentally now. He wants the transplant, wants to live, tells me he loves me when I leave and is generally in a way better mood.

they’re doing the last test on Monday probably. Obviously it’s good that we’re moving forward, but now I’m so scared that he won’t pass or something and I’m just worrying about stupid things, like even if he does pass what if something happens during the transplant.

Uh…he’s been sick for so long, but when he was stable, but terminal, I could just put it in the back of my mind. Now it’s good because we were being proactive about fixing the problems, but obviously all the procedures are very dangerous.
Thanks for the update! I’m glad to hear your father is doing better Keep us updated as new news comes in and try to take care of yourself too
Yeah I’m also glad for the update and will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. Hang in there.
So my grandpa went in a few weeks ago for surgery on his bladder and yesterday at his follow-up appointment the doctor confirmed he has prostate cancer.

seriously… I don’t think it’s possible for a family to have more bad luck this week.

there really isnt anything we can say at this point. it’s just one of those things that you have to deal with. the similar feeling that everyone has is that you want to take some of the pain…as you feel guilty that they have to go through this alone. it will get better over time, but during this time, just focus on being there for them. when people go through stuff like this they tend to become really isolated and want to be left alone. the truth is that this is when they need support…even if they act like they dont want it, they need it badly!

good luck to you!
update:

He had his angiogram (heart test) and it came out pretty good except I guess one side of his heart doesn’t pump as hard as they would like. I’m really crossing my fingers that this doesn’t exclude him from getting on the transplant list. Still no word on the effect on his kidneys or whether he’ll need dialysis.

He was super upbeat for a few days and now he’s back down in the dumps. He cries a lot and says he doesn’t know how much longer he can take being in the hospital. I just try to hug him and say the DRs are trying to take care of him and then I ask him what he’s going to do when he gets out.
update:

the heart test excluded him from being able to get a transplant.

I’m kinda just in shock right about now.

I’m certain that this means more to him than he could ever express to you. He’s lucky to have a loving daughter like you to help him. We should all be so lucky.

I’m sorry to hear that his test excludes him from the transplant list.

I’m not sure if this will help but one never knows. A while back I found a doctor that has scientifically been able to prove the reversal of heart disease. His research spans decades and he has documented many success stories. Here’s one of his books….I hope it helps.

Thanks for the rec…he’s going to the cardiologist soon to see if anything can be fixed to make hims eligible. The book doesn’t look like it really applies to him, b/c his arteries are clear and cholesterol is low…it’s to do with an irregular heartbeat and the way his blood pumps.
Oh ok…well perhaps you’re right. It might not be the best book. However, you can prolly find it at the library for free, if you’re interested.

I hope your dad feels better soon.
aww so update time

my mom had gotten that news from the UCLA transplant lady, who is "miss doom and gloom." When she got the written statement from them, it said he was denied because of his cardiac status that could be corrected with diarisis (sp), which means he has fluid around his heart and he needs either water pills or dialysis, which is VERY correctable.

Not nearly as bad as the woman made it out to be to my mom. And although I know my mom to be a drama queen, I’ve also meet the woman, and she is a downer.

So my dad has an appt with his primary and his kidney MD early next week, do onward!! And his spirits are much better with this news!
That’s AWESOME!! I’m really happy for you and your family.

Thanks for the update.
UPDATE:

my dad got on the transplant list!! Now he just has to get financial approval before he’s officially on the list and then as soon as all his numbers line up he’ll get a transplant!!

yay!

Congrats Steph! Hope it all works out for the best, you and your family are in my thoughts.
I hope things work out for your dad. I can’t even imagine the thought of losing one of my parents. Please keep us updated.
For those of you who don’t venture into the main I figured I would post an update in here as well.

main forum thread:

My dad had a cardiac arrest and a major heart attack on Thursday and Yesterday (Friday) we pulled the plug, as he had no brain function and was in a deep coma.

I’d like to thank you guys for all of your words of encouragement in this thread. I really wished things would have turned out differently, but he was a very sick man.
Aww I’m sorry to hear this.

You and your family will still be in my prayers.
i’m so very sorry for your loss.

you and your family will be in my thoughts.
I’m sorry

Much respect to him.

G
My prayers are with you, your family and your dad. I’m so so sorry for your loss

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I don’t feel the same way. I feel our communication has disappeared. I don’t want our relationship to end for her, our daughter, and me. I’ve been pouring my heart out to her constantly and telling her I want to work on things. I know love can rekindle and we can go back to how we were when things were great. Things can change and I’m willing to do everything I can to make that happen. To prove myself to her.

This has really confused her. She didn’t expect for this to happen, she thought I felt the same way and we’d just go our seperate ways. She’s told me she does have feelings for this guy and can see a romance happening. She doesn’t know what to do. She’s assured me that she isn’t going to start something new until we are completely over. She doesn’t see the guy at all except one day a week when he runs something at her work (a bar).

With this, I have no idea what to do. I’m trying hard to prove myself to her. I’m completely open and honest with her about my feelings and how I want to rekindle what we had and how I’m willing to do anything to accomplish that. But at the same time the fact that she’s confused about both of us really bothers me. I understand how a new relationship makes you feel– everyone loves that feeling of something new starting.

So what do I do? Do I continue to fight for her, show her I’m focused on us and our family, pour my heart out to her, do all those sappy romantic things I did in the beginning? Or do I just back off, leave her alone, and give her time to think about everything? I really don’t want to leave her alone. I want to fight for her with every bit of energy I have. But I don’t know if that’s helping or hurting my cause. And I’m sure this other guy is fighting for her too.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d really like to hear stories and how things worked out. I know I’m probably going to get a lot of "It’s over, just let it go." from you guys. But I feel like this is my last chance. I don’t want to lose my family.
Does she say she wants to try and work on your relationship?

Short answer, yes.

From what she’s told me she didn’t expect me to react the way I did which is why she’s confused. She can’t help but think that things will be good for a while and go back to how they were. That has happened in the past. I think that’s her main confusion on my side– the fact that she needs to think about her being happy instead of everyone else like she used to do.

I’ve told her that I want to go back to how we were when we started. I want to work on being that family where when our daughter is a teenager she’ll see us kissing and whispering to each other and she’ll do the typical teen reaction of "Ewww you guys, stop" when kids see their parents beeing cheesy.

Her main issues with everything now is our trust, wondering if things will be good then go back to being bad, and this other guy. She says if she didn’t want to see what would happen with us she would’ve moved back to her mothers last week.

If she is willing to work on your relationship then go get relationship counseling.

I have been pushing that, but she doesn’t seem to want to.

She saw counselor a few times earlier this year. She stopped because she didn’t see the point in going. She went, told her stories, and that was it. She didn’t see it helping. I explained that counseling doesn’t help instantly and it takes numerous visits before it works.

This is her main answer when I mention couples counseling. I’ve been trying to lightly push it. I currently don’t have insurance and I’m not even sure if insurance would cover it. How would I go about finding a good, but cheap, couples counselor in my area? I’m willing to pay for it.

Then she’s not really willing to work on your relationship obviously.

Going to couples counseling is different from a personal therapist. You talk about you both as a whole and how to work on trust, communication, etc.

Look in the yellow pages? Call around and see what they say it costs for non-insured patients.

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