I was down in Hong Kong and Guangdong, China last week… lady I know introduced me to her friend who really had a thing for me. She just flat out told me since I don’t think she knew how else to approach it. This girl’s from Zhuhai, mainlander tried and true. Thing is.. I really liked her, too. Now I’m back in the US and we’re 13 hrs away…. Not a huge thing, this is 2008.

She speaks moderately good English so I can get points across to her via MSN or email but here’s my main question:

I know next to nothing about Chinese "courtship" customs, ie, what is acceptable/not acceptable but also, I have no idea how to even proceed.

This is a weird question, no doubt… we’re both on opposite sides of the planet but the last thing she said to me was basically"keep in touch.. I really like you" when she gave me her MSN info. Sure beats cell phone charges…

I’m as white as snow and don’t know a lick of Chinese. I have a lot of Asian American friends but they’re all ABCs.. not China-Chinese.. my other friends who are "Chinese" are really from Taiwan which is like comparing the US to South Africa due to their post-1949 history, so they’re really no help.

Need advice! Anything? TIA

My girlfriend is from Italy. It’s different there too. The key is learning! Get yourself a lonely planet guide for learning Chinese, learn the language. The book also teaches you about customs, sex, everything.

Use cheaptickets.com to buy flights. You can stay 3 months at a time, and she can do the same probably. Or you can just go back and forth based on your finances.

Me and my girl do it.
Is that guy that was going to meet a girl in China off the internet still around?
my girls from vietnam and it’s a culture shock to be sure…

i’d think twice about asian culture, it’s much different than european/white culture

I mean this nicely…but why bother?

You’re way far apart…what are you expecting to come of this?

you’re right… that’s a big thing.

The world is small and it’s a 15 hr flight though

Being serious… distance isn’t a huge problem but trying to figure out such cues are… thanks for the replies.
it would be hard to read cues, if she speaks moderately good english. she might not know how she is saying it, or how you would take it, or give u the wrong idea

i dunno what advice to give you.. i dunno if this is something that can work out taken the distance as well as the language

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I get really anxious when I’m with a girl I desire. I’m not talking about super attractive or girls I think I can sleep with, women that I look at and know instantly that she’s cool, and I want to be around her right now, and probably tomorrow. I can only assume by this is triggered by some cue which I interpret as favorable qualities (sexy, femininity, composure, and straight dark hair), and it makes me flip. I triggers something that makes my heart pound, and I short circuit into a mechanism where I want to leave the situation.

When I look back on those incidents, I realize that I should just relax, slow my speech, and tell the woman what I want to tell her. "You seem cool, lets go do XYZ this week. Give me your #."

I compensate by leaving the situation, or freaking out enough that its a self-fullfilling prophecy, like "there is no way this woman really wants anything to do with me, she’s just sitting here, listening to my shit, hoping I’ll leave but she’s just like me, polite and caring, so she doesn’t want to crush me. She won’t answer when I call anyway."

Can anyone lend some advice on this? I can change behavior, but I can’t seem to change over-powering, self-destructive though.
Well everything that you do in life requires a positive attitude. A plant needs time to grow, if you stamp with anger on the seed, screaming ‘you will never grow’ and killing thus the seed and possibility to become a plant. Then you can never accomplish any growth. Give yourself a chance each and every single time you try.
It’s the "fight or flight" response… at some point in your life your brain associated this with attractive women, so now when you are near an attractive woman it goes off and since you can’t fight her, you want to flee.

I don’t know how to tell you how to learn to control this, or how to "reprogram" your brain. I haven’t figured it out myself.
Didn’t we just have a thread like this a few days ago? Man, you’re setting some very unrealistic expectations on yourself.

From reading your posts, and this is just my observation, it seems like you will deem anything less than a girl saying "You’re so incredible! We are perfect for each other. Let’s fuck," as a failure (I’m not saying you would be unhappy if you didn’t get sex. I’m just making a point).

Those thoughts would not exist if you did not care so much about what the girl thinks of you. Who cares if she thinks you’re lame? You’re not going to be able to make everybody happy all the time, so why care? The Dalai Lama is probably the most peaceful man alive, but every move he makes disconcerts China. John McCain, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton have millions of people who love them, but they have the other half of the country that hates them. They don’t back down from who they are (usually — sniper fire can be traumatic), and look how successful they are in life. Abraham Lincoln was a man of virtue, and the South hated him. Martin Luther King Jr. was a peaceful man with a wonderful dream, and plenty of people hated him.

EVERYBODY gets criticized. All of those people I listed are comfortable with who they are (except Hillary), and look at what they became.

Nobody is liked by everybody all the time. Be okay with not being liked by every single girl. Who cares if she thinks you’re annoying? That is simply her opinion, and the majority of the girls probably won’t think that. If they DO think that you’re annoying, I would bet that 99% of the time it’s because they can sense how much you care about what they think.

Through approval-seeking, you’re giving your power away. It seems like your self-worth is in the hands of the girl you are talking to.

It is okay to be you, man. Most of the girls you talk to are too busy worrying about what you think about them to have critical thoughts of you.

sorry. I work on this shit every day. I’ve been thinking about it so much that I’ll probably get fired soon…but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m not sleeping, I force myself to eat, and haven’t turned on the TV in a couple weeks. I’m old, and I’d like to change myself now so I can enjoy what I have left in the data realm. Sitting up in my apartment alone is not what I want.
It’s about self confident. You automatically assumed that if a girl has attractive qualities, she’s better than you. So you go into a mode where you feel like you lost even though you haven’t even begun. Try to think of her as a person who’s no better than you or anybody. Instead of focusing on your flaws, think about your great attributes. It’s all in your head, there is nothing unattractive about you on the outside. You have the money and good look but if you don’t have confident, they mean nothing. If you think you are better than them, they will pick it up. And it goes the other way around too.

I understand what you mean. As a brand new single Dad, full-time employee, and full-time student, I don’t have much time to go out and socialize as much as I used to. I get extremely lonely sitting here in my house. I still try to make it a point to go out once or twice a week though. Sometimes it doesn’t happen, like right now

The only reason I mentioned the "Haven’t we already had this?" is because I would hate to see you fall into the trap of only talking about this stuff and not actually putting it into action once you’re around people. It can be easy to read get advice and have it make sense to you, yet once you get in social situations the anxiety rises and remembering all of the stuff goes out the window.

I’m not saying that’s what happens to you, but just be aware that it’s a possibility.
nah, that’s what happened to me. I went out and talked to girls like crazy on saturday, monday, and tuesday, then it hit me on wednesday. I look at all these pictures and shit around the house that reminds me of the last girl, and it crushes me. I’m not wired for the dating mentality, and when women leave, it hits me hard and I don’t know how to "stand-up" or generally not be crushed.
can anyone recommend an e-book that will inspire some sort of self-confidence so I can get over this fear and the feelings of depression from women leaving me and thinking I have no options?

I can’t even move, but I want out of this shell. fucking shit I want out of this fucked up feeling all the god damn time.

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It seems like a good idea, but i won’t be getting paid too much and the program i looked into, i actually have to pay for a contract… it’d be equal to a four months salary over there.

anybody who has taught abroad want to give me any input?

(just to mention, i’m new to over seas teaching- i would normally think i would not have to pay for the contract… maybe i might have just read it wrong)

My friend has done it for 2 years over in Asia. Best years of his life he says.
i have known a few people who have done this and loved it. one guy stayed in europe teaching for 5 years he was so happy with it.

i dont know any details about it, but they said it was the experience of a lifetime. just for that, i would go for it if i was you

where are you looking at going?

hey, irvine. i go to uci

i’m looking into going to asia, anywhere besides japan.

do you know how he got into the program?

there is an orientation for the study abroad program at my school, the lady said there should be info about the teaching abroad program too…

i graduated from there 4 years ago….damn that makes me feel old

my future mother in law actually works in the extension office at uci and was debating doing the teaching abroad as well. she seemed to get a ton of info from uci, but im not sure where exactly, and she was looking at costa rica.

do you speak any other language already? i think they wanted her to take a class before she went to help with the language

i don’t speak anything fluently, so i’ll just go with no. most likely though, if i were to be dropped off there, i would be able to communicate just enough to find food and buy things. finding a place on the other hand…

haha, i dont think they drop you off and expect you to figure it out. from what i hear, the programs are pretty complete and organized. i think they have places for you to stay. they might want you to take a basic language class, but no matter what, surrounding yourself with the new langauage for a year, you will figure it out. my brother was in spain for 3 months and came back speaking fluently because he had to.

im jealous you have the guts and the good sense to do this right out of college. i would love to do something like this, but i wasnt daring enough when i graduated, and now i have bills and other things keeping me here. this is the best time of your life to take a trip like this.
thanks, i was having doubts. i probably can just pay back my loans right after school is over and just leave. i have to take a class most likely to prep for it.
I don’t mean to thread jack, but I have a similar question as well(and I’m currently an UCI undergrad also hahahaha!)

How much would teaching abroad for a year or two help for med. school/pharm. school application?
zotzot!

i don’t think teaching abroad will help any. teaching abroad is a IOP-non study program. it might help you if you were using a IOP or an EOP program instead. I have no idea though.

it technically probably wouldnt help, but its going to look good that you took a break between degrees and went and did something like this. dont they want you to have some work experience after undergrad?
I had a friend that just up and left for China. He knew 1 person there that spoke the language. Claimed it was the best time of his life but as I questioned him more and more, I realized it wasn’t a life that I was even remotely interested in.

Not only that, his traveling stories seem all exotic and cool but really, it’s just life with different surroundings. Also, after I got used to all the cool stories about it, out came the not so cool stories. Stories of losing track of his friend that spoke the langauge, stories of him, while drunk, misplacing his passport and return plane ticket and his the terror that he’d be imprisoned in a foreign land where he didn’t speak the language.

I’ve learned to not be swayed by all the cool stories….there’s more to the experience than that.
I’d love to do it, but I’m a geek and a sociologist at heart.

problem is, I’d love to get my pay in China.. fuck I’d live like a king

my boy lives in Hong Kong… pay there sucks and the place is so fucking expensive….
What company are you looking at this through? I’ve been invited to apply through Allestra Recruiting on my college’s job website, but it seems shady. Both China and South Korea are the places offered.
What are your values in these areas?

For some, it is a great opportunity. For others, it was a lamentable waste of time.

No one can tell you what you desire, however it is easy to trick yourself into thinking what you really want.

your pay in korea should be at least double than in China when converted to USD, just an FYI.

And they should pay for housing in both places.. got a couple funny stories about the "school housing" in China….
I know a girl who in taught in Italy for a few years and she hates it here now lol…

I say do it

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I hate being single.
you dont seem too distraught.

just hang out with your buddies. increase the amount of time you spend doing whatever your hobby is. do NOT get a rebound girl. do NOT get back with the ex either; you were destined to break up.

hopefully you learned a few thing about yourself and life in general when you were with her.

its hard, with all the memories, and being cordial and what not, but you’ll get over it.

Thanks folks.

Yea I know what I need to do but I suppose I’m just a bit intimidated by it. I keep having the thoughts of what if she was the "right one" and such. When I dated her I didn’t go out much at all so I also have a lot of social catchup to do which is a bit scary as well. That and being able to fall asleep right away would be nice.
Hey, if she was the one, it would have worked out, so chill. Look on the bright side man! Summer time, and time for fun and be able just to chill
Being single is awesome. You can do whatever you want to do and concentrate completely on improving yourself and having a good time…

I think that at 29, I am finally ready for a serious relationship, and that I wasn’t ready for the ones I had in my early-mid 20s. I am simply a completely different person now than I was then; even if I would have found "the one," I probably wouldn’t like her as much now that I’ve grown a bit.
This is having a really crazy affect on me. I spent a 40 minute drive yelling at myself, I can’t eat and I just break down crying all the time (I’m not usually the crying type). I just really can’t get my head on straight.

I just broke up with my gf of 2 years as well. She was my first. Even though it was my decision it was still very hard on me. I didn’t even want to touch the things she’d moved around in my house simply because she had put them there. I also cried a lot. As the days go by though I’m realizing more and more how much I’m better off without her. It will get easier.

Thanks, good to know.

Been there done that, I’m kind of in one of those general states of mind right now because of so much uncertainty in stress with my life, getting a job, a car, long distance girl trouble, being completely broke, bored, feel like a failure, being a waste, etc.

I’ve been walking around for hte last week with extremely high levels of anxiesty, stress, and onsetting depression.

Sounds like me right now.

To clarify on how we broke it up (to answer an earlier question) I call it mutual bc I semi-knowingly drove it to the breaking point and she made the call.

I spent an hour on the phone with her last night basically laying myself out there and asking her to give us another shot but it really sounds like she’s totally given up. So now I really don’t know what to do next, I’m just kinda going through the motions right now.
I would suggest cutting off contact with her. I tried to do the friends thing but she couldn’t do that without getting attached. Girls will say they can do it, but as usual they don’t know what they want.

I have never been able to do the friends thing and I don’t expect it to start here.

God this just totally sucks.
Staying with someone just because you don’t want to be alone is no reason to stay together.

This is a good thing. Good luck! Use this time to work on yourself and fix your fear of being alone. You don’t always have to be in a serious relationship.
The problem is its not just that I’m afraid to be alone.

Every time I’m single though I do manage to convince myself I’ll never find another girl.

Well quit it
Thanks again all.

Talkin to her tonight, sitting her waiting for her to call and feeling like I’m gonna throw up.

before you pick up the phone watch this video a couple of times

um wtf
So its only really bad at night now, which is better I guess. I just wish it wasn’t such a horrible ordeal just getting to sleep every night.

I know what you’re saying. I’m going through the same thing. During the day it’s really easy because you’re doing shit, whether it’s school or work, but at night it’s different. I was used to sleeping with my SO at his house, or watching movies at night before bed.

It’s not as bad as it was at first. Just takes time I guess.

Youre doing better than me and she is still around right now, I am just in a long-distance deal and I don’t deal well with at all. I have that an some other issues going on right now, and I just wake up in the morning waiting to go to sleep at night

needless to say the days drag on for what seems like an eternity.
On the bright side, I get to go to China for an entire month on the 23rd. It should be a bit of a relief to be on the other side of the damn planet.
why dont more pool halls (I dont know of one) have fooseball tables.. that shit is awesome
I guess I’ll add to this thread, I am also going through the same thing. Broke up with my first serious gf last night . It really sucks, it’s all I can think about. Glad to know it gets better, and I also really wish I could get some sleep…

I just got some sleep aids thankfully.

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My relationship with this girl has always been bouncing off the walls. We hook up. Everythings good for a short period of time, and then we don’t talk for a long time. Or at least I try ignore anything that she does.

I spent last summer talking to her almost everyday on the phone for at least an hour. We both go to school in Michigan, but I’m from Maryland and go back for the summer. She freaks out whenever I leave. Anyways, expectations are a bitch. I expected that when we returned to school that we would’ve made our relationship official. I think I had always known that it wouldn’t have worked. I especially knew it wouldn’t have worked when I fucked a random chick the third night back in school.

She was the type of girl who was always in a relationship. I helped to encourage her independence. I was never needy, over protective or jealous. I wanted her to be her. When she told me that she wasn’t ready for a relationship,
that she needed more time to be single I was shocked. I mean, girl had the entire summer. I knew things were sketchy. Turns out I was right.

Fast forward those few months I stayed single throughout the year for the most part and enjoyed a few casual hookups and, in general, the single life.

In May I get a drunk dial from her. She confesses that she regretted us not actually getting together from the beginning of the year. She said I would have made a great boyfriend (maybe not given my own actions). Hindsight’s a bitch aint it? I didn’t fucking need to hear that shit. I was over it. It was especially hard since we have a lot of common friends and I see her fairly often. I mean the only reason I stayed even friendly towards her was because of our mutual friends.

She starts freaking out again because I am leaving for the summer. To make things worse, I am actually spending the summer in Shanghai.

Tonight I hear her voice for the first time in a month and that’s what she had to tell me. "Don’t freeaak ouuuut but I am kinndaa seeing someone." Last time she was "kinda seeing someone," we were also hooking up (although I had no clue about the situation. That alone should have been good enough warning. I didn’t listen to my instincts). We spoke for another hour so – in the same manner of tone last summer when things were open for a relationship. We were both about to get off the phone and she said "I love you." I replied "Uh huh." She asks if we are going to speak again soon. I don’t think so. I’m through with her shit.

Theres plenty of tiny Asian girls here to bang. Ex pats too.

Cliffs: Trust your instinct.
sounds like your head is screwed on straight, and that shes trying to reel you back in (scare you back in) by seeing someone else.
She’s trying to make you jealous and see if you chase her.

I’ve had an ex do that to me, I’m not sure how to pass that particular female test.

I also don’t understand what girls are looking for when they do that shit.

Maybe a female Asylum member that has acted like this before can clue us in.

She has alcoholic tendencies. Makes bad decisions. Tendency to use emotions to justify things (I dare say this is typical of a lot of women ). Whatever. Best part, she can’t even call me cause I’m in China.
I think that you should indeed listen to your gut feeling or inner voice, as it is usually right. All the could have beens and should have beens ,just let them go as you have to live with reality. This girl is the exact opposite of what you need, you want stability and security and she’s unstable and insecure, maby you should find a girl who’s more on the same frequency like you.

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