-aced my oral exams
-loving the hell out of the car I just bought as I sell the other one. it feels good to have a car that’s actually fairly reliable and didn’t have to be a Honda/Toyota.
-looking forward to another good weekend
-reassigned to a family practice clinic for a few weeks, totally laid back compared to the hospital.

your turn… ready, GO
I actually think your post is the first in its kind in here.But I guess its good to have a positive thread, just write it down your problems as well ,anything still needs to be fixed in your life?.

-Got a ~33% raise not too long ago.
-Moved in with my GF and things are going well.
-Parents moved out to the west coast so I get to spend time with them.
-Was going to sell my car, but realized how much I love it and want to keep it. (02 WRX)
-New couches coming this month
-haven’t taken a "vacation" in over 10 years, planning a 2 week vacation in january to go snowboarding

Umm thats everything off the top of my head
- Did well on 2 of my 3 exams the first month of school
- Dad helped me out financially so I don’t have to work 40 hours and do school full-time, I’ve only gotta do about 20 now, which leaves me tons of time to study
- Health is actually really good compared to how rough it’s been over the summer
- I’ve learned to cook; it’s not saved me much money, but it’s a lot more fun to eat something you actually made
- Comfortable with myself finally. I wanted to drop some weight but decided school needs to be my focus and when I graduate in May, I can work on that. I’m not by any means fat, but I’ve got some to lose.
I’m about 3-4 months away from finally being debt free… then I can continue on with my life and start having fun again.
I needed this thread!

Just got my college degree!
I have an amazing supportive family, especially my mom, who’s my best friend
Just started going out with my buds again, as well as meeting a lot of new people.
Getting Healthy, finally cut down on my junk food and eating a lot healthier and lost weight!
Also started running, my goal is to run the Rock n Roll marathon in may

Y’see folks, this is why I need to graduate!

32 hours of clinical + 14 hours of lecture + all the time needed to read books + the time needed to complete projects/do research.

I could cut all that out and spend 3 hours a day in a gym 5 days a week, running every day, and still not come close to being as time-consumed as college requires.

I thought there was a thread like this sometime in the last year… lol. Anyway, plenty of stuff to fix. But nothing I’m not fervently working on. Physical fitness, self confidence, mental aptitude in my work, friendlier demeanor, some credit card debt etc.

A lot of it started to fix up when I started my program over the summer. Some examples… it took a pretty serious threat from the chair of my program to fix years of attendance problems (going back to high school and junior high, even), and less serious but eye-opening feedback from my clinical coordinator about my shyness on rotations translating to laziness. Gone, just like that, and it’s starting to radiate to other parts of my life.

(I figured this stuff belonged in its own thread, though.)

I’m toying with the idea of doing a distance bike ride from here to St. Louis… about 90-100 miles
Although I have a lot of bad stuff going on right now…

-I have plenty of money for the first time in my life
-I’m defending my thesis in the spring
-I’ve networked my way into a few contacts at my dream job
-Since Im newly single ive noticed that quite a few girls I know are asking to hang out with me
off the top of my head:

-finances are in order
-loving my new car
-loving my new phone
-my trip to europe is only month away
-things are looking well for my new career, which will hopefully begin in december
-until then, current job is dandy
-still enjoy having my own place
-good friends that i see/talk to often
-supportive and loving family
-in good shape and my distance running is coming along nicely
-no drama in my life (get my fix from "the hills" )
-it’s fall, so my favorite shows are back on, as are college football and basketball soon enough

all in all, it’s been a great year for me and the future looks bright

i’m assuming you’re talking about the rock ‘n’ roll marathon in san diego? i ran that in 2006, and it was a hell of a lot of fun!

you didn’t ask, but make sure your practice runs include hills. the course included a ton of interstate ramps, etc, and was a little for me and the group i was with. then again, we all came from orlando, and it’s relatively flat around here.

Yeap, In San Diego. I was actually avoiding hills in my runs because I hate them lol, they make me want to stop . Hopefully running with a friend will help me with those dam mountains.

I always start things and never finish. I going to freaking run that marathon.
1. I have a loving family that I still talk to daily.
2. I have a clean bill of health
3. I have food on the table
4. I have money in the bank
5. I have a loving girlfriend
6. I have a roof over my head.

these are the things that are going well for me.
1) Completely Financially independent from my family at the age of 19, all while in college.
2) Loving BF that cares about me and I care about him.
3) Getting an apartment together in December with him.
4) Have a car that I absolutely love.
5) Have a lot of good friends in my life who I know will always be there for me no matter what. True friends.
6) I’m healthy AFAIK.
7) Finally no longer a super skinny bitch, gained some muscle and size and now can defend myself if the occasion arises.
pretty laid back going to school now
work is more fun but there is more to do, which means i have to work harder
becoming more social
having some fun i guess

could be better
- I have a wonderful boyfriend, family, and friends.
- I am healthy.
- I have a roof over my head, and will be moving to a new apartment soon.
- I’m not dirt broke….yet.

By the way, this thread was a good idea. I’ve been stressing out about stuff lately, so this helps me think more positive.
Well I got a good job, making more than I have ever made in my life,
I’m living in a nice large city(Charlotte) and i’m truly happy here other than not knowing anyone…
My ex(?) is not being a bitch about child support.
I’ve started seeing a therapist to help me with my problems.
I’m trying asses the damage of all the crap that has gone on the last 3 years and am trying to fix it?

thats all thats good..the rest is shit..

Gray
-istill have my job
-got my own vehicle(new)
-live with roommates
-visited Europe(not yet im leaving on 10/16)
I love these threads. I haven’t seen on in a while.

Let’s see, things going well…

I have an SO who is really supportive and kind. I’d be really lost right now if I didn’t have that kind of love in my life.

I have a car. And while its an 11 year old junker, it was a gift that was given to me at a time when I was in a really tight spot. I’m super grateful for that.

I have a great job that I love and get paid well for. I’m finally able to save some money and take care of a few things, and it feels great.

It’s fall I love fall. Almost time to go to the pumpkin patch and the corn maze.
I’m finally starting to feel more comfortable in my new college surroundings (friends, classes, etc.)
I have an amazing girlfriend that I get to see one or two days out of the week even though we’re 45 minutes apart at school.
I’ve aced every quiz and exam this year to date.
I get to come home soon for Thanksgiving and Winter Break and see my friends that I’ve missed and FINALLY feel the cold and the rain again (yeah, I know, weird, but it makes me happy)
My family is amazing and, even though my mom can stress me out a lot, they’ve really rallied around me and supported me as of late.
I’m celebrating my one year with my gf at Disneyland soon

oh no! believe me, you should at least do a little bit of incline [if you're running on a treadmill].

keep up the good work! don’t stop! believe me… the feeling you get after crossing that finish line is absolutely amazing. you literally feel invincible… at least i did

good job starting now. i started training in late january 2006, and the race was in june 2006.
here are a few of mine…

1) i have an awesome job that i absolutely love & i was recently offered a promotion. after some serious negotiations, i turned it down because i didn’t feel as though i was offered enough money [ie what i feel i am worth]

2) i am communicating 100% better in all types of relationships: work, personal, & romantic [as evident by number 1]

3) i recently received a call about a job offer i had in the works… … i really hope it works out!

4) i have changed a lot over the past 5 months, and i’m totally psyched about that

5) i have amazing friends and family.

6) i am embracing all the changes that are goin on in my life.

7) the past few weekends have been absolutely fabulous!

hehe…I’m also excited about the new fall season of my fave shows. i’m about the final season of ER, tho…
No more school since May (although my new job is exhausting and Im the bitch on the bottom of the food chain)
Electrician at a tire plant (although theres a recession)
Just bought a house on some land (even though its nigger-rigged and Im going to work myself to death)
Have a girlfriend (even though I avoid her)
1)

In fact, I find this thread only more depressing.

It probably could be even worse, but absolutely nothing is going well, and I’ve become so apathetic to that to even care.
Just started development of a commercial property which will be ready next summer. So now I know where I’ll be living likely for the rest of my life. There was talk about moving camp to FL or MD but I’m happy to stay in CA just because it’s less risk. In the meantime I’ll be looking for a part time job because I put all of my money into this.
Oohhh, are we all done with this already?

I’m in a pissy mood, but, I can still think of other things that are going well. I’m rotated over to the orthopedic clinic and my new preceptor is spectacular.

I think one of my classmates is going to introduce me to her roommates to help me get over the last girl, who sort of left me feeling used. It’s funny because I used to think I wouldn’t mind being used sexually, but it’s pretty weaksauce

I’ve been getting close to 100% on my last three written & practical exams.

My bubble wrap costume is a hit
Close to finishing my masters in computer science, specialising in artificial intelligence. Thats about it, the rest of my life is more or less a failure.

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It’s a matter of will. I was like alot of people here too, but I changed that.
Eh. I dunno about you, but my will has caused me to be out of any serious relationships since 2002. Sometimes you just gotta be irrational with someone who knows how to deal with it before you can get anywhere.

Preach much?

Why are you screaming about what other people should or should not do?

Its failry decent, I wouldnt call it screaming. Some people need to hear it.

No related posts.

Get back and at about 10am I sk the guys goibng to the shop to get some beers, flash the wallet with a million Ruppees notes (back from iNDIA), dude gets about 18.

I crash oiut Ii’m 5 foot ten other dudes 6 foot 4, hge’s smaking mr with a full biottle of beer. The other guy 44 who we can call Simon is punching me.

Had to make my excuses to go to the toilet, locked the door to try to get out of the window. Simon breaks down the door and I had no choice but to go for him qwith a bit of broken mirror…..bounced after that.

Sorry, noi aspell checker here, no lightts and it’s about 35C AND 95 hUMIDITY,

I was also thinking something along those lines
uh.. wow, wtf?

you killed someone with a mirror in russia on new year’s day?
I hope this is trolling, regardless should probably be deleted.

so if someone is truly and genuinely disturbed. not just that "i have ennuis" bullshit we all suffer from once in a blue week. we prolly don’t close their thread

What he typed is completely non sensical, and if he’s serious, he just admitted to stabbing a guy in the face with a piece of a broken mirror.

I’m just thinking it’s trolling, personally, hell idk.
This is the guy who says he has schizophrenia, just so you all know.
maybe this thread was describing a flashback of his then, I don’t know (just saw the disorders he listed in the father thread). Either way, hopefully all is well and he can either explain, or this thread’ll just go to the bottom.

And he was last trapped in India, trying to get new meds from the docs in the UK.

Ohhh.. Makes sense now.

Poor guy.

No, I went back to a party, woke up on a chair with one guy bouncing a bottle of bud off my head and another smacking me off the face.

I had just traveled for 40 odd hours and had been drunk at new years.

I I was told to give them my money, I say ok, just let me use the toilet. I get in, lock the shitty little snib and look to escape from the window.

No chance, two stories up, no foot holds, I jump I get screwed.

Now this fuck wkwhit, lets call him Simon had a gf who broke a mirror in the bathroom. He must have tossed everything into the bath. I pick two pieces up.

He breaks down the door, I show him what I have, He goes for me. I take a swipe and cut his neck.

Fuck him.

After that one piece had flown and I ran after the guy to get a good quick way out.

It was a council Estate so, all looks the same. I had to stay at the same door for a few minutes for emergency services…….cool but Forensics went in.

Other way around I thought?

Last I thought it was meant to be a forum for people to have their personal problems taken seriously.

Well done in turning things upside down to suit your own silly comments.

This is not a flashback. I worry when it will it will play in my head 5-6 times or whatever an hour.
is this a joke mod edit; nope it isn’t , it just needs a more clear explanation from the op
Work hard to get your life back on track. Don’t use any alcohol anymore, and try to rebuild your life. From what i last remember you went with your dad to the psychiater in order to talk about your mental problems.

What you clearly need to distinct is those things which are benefitial for you, and those things that only bring you down the drain, and steer away from those.

Killing is an absolute no,same counts for torture because if you look at the overal picture it only makes things worse. You, especially you should not make your life worse now then it already is. You’ve got enough problems you need to tackle together with a therapist one by one, and change your life dramatically into a positive constructive world.

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so i met my wife in november of 2004. i had just broken up with the last in a string of asian chicks (all filipinos, actually). i had seen [ill just say wife] around my apartments from time to time, mostly in the parking lot going to or from her apartment (which i didnt know which one it was, it was out of my view). eventually, i ran into her at the mailboxes. i thought he had a man (as i had seen her driving more than one vehicle, and was sure i had seen her coming or going with someone), but i didnt care that day. as i said, i was just off an asian, and felt like hitting on someone. she was happy to flirt back, and we parted from the mailboxes.

some time passed, and i think it was about january when i finally saw her again. this time, we met at the laundry. i forgot something i needed, and asked if she wouldnt mind watching my stuff for me while i ran back to my apartment. she readily agreed, and when i came back, we had quite a long bit of conversation.

a bit more time passed, and soon i saw her outside cleaning out her car. hmm…. there are 2 kids with her… not good…. but since i already had some raport built up with her, i went over anyway (maybe i was obliged, since i was back from cleaning my own truck anyway). turned out, the older kid was her little brother, but the 16 month old was her son. cute kid too. ok, not bad, i thought. so i asked got her number, and soon we made plans. this would have been february, and we went out to dinner saturday, the saturday after valentines day.

by march, we were a couple. turns out, she admits that the mailbox, agreeing to watch my stuff in the laundry, and cleaning her car were all contrived by her for opportunities to talk to me. apparently, i was "the cute guy with the awesome red truck" in the apartments, and she cant believe shes here, with me. thumbs up, so far.

so, some funny things that a white man learns about hispanic women. 1) apparently, many of them prefer to sleep in same bed as their children.

so time passes, and im thinking about asking her to to get married. shes smarter than any of the other women ive dated. she was done with her crazy partying all the time, and she was much more mature (thru the terrible loss of her first son, killed by another man she was with at the time, this was many years before she and i met) to the ways of the world. she just didnt seem naive.

so i was ready to buy a ring, but my yearly camping trip vacation was here. i was on my way out of town, and she called me crying. she had just wrecked her car. i was about 40 miles away, sitting in outbound dallas traffic, but i turned around immediately, and came to her aid. her car was mangled on the front, but were able to drive it home.

i was already in love with her by this point. instead of vacation that day, after i got her home to my apartment, i left for a while, and went and found a diamond ring, and spend my vacation money on that. i bought it back home and proposed to her, and she accepted on the spot.

as i recall these details from a few years ago, i cannot remember if i already knew this other VERY important detail, but when she told me, it didnt matter, i was already 100% committed to her and her son. but as i said, i dont remember if i already knew, or if she told me this day, or soon after, that she was an illegal immigrant. she was brought here when she was 5, and has lived here, gone to school here, had children, and fallen in love here. 18 years, here illegally. as i said, this wasnt an issue for me. i did realize what a challence it would be to overcome this, but i was committed.

so, late 2005, we got married. we honeymooned in san antonio in a posh honeymoon suite over looking the riverwalk. we got back to dallas, life was grand. we had upgraded to a larger apartment, which we painted together right before we moved in. her son now had his own room, because i kind of imposed a ‘white-people-tradition’ on her.. that kids dont sleep in momm and daddys bed. it didnt seem to be a problem.

a few months into it, we finally reach our first test. we were piss poor, but her mom was having some sickness that wasnt going away in a normal amount of time. her deadbeat husband apparently wasnt giving her money to go to a doctor. we had a few hundred bucks put back, and i loved her mother dearly, and would not have denied her our gift. but i was silently outraged that her moms husband was refusing to take care of his responsibility. why were we to be forced to do his duty? this was causing a rift between my wife and i, because i was questioning her mom’s husbands duty, and that taking care of this in his place was going to put an undue financial burden on us, when this clearly should be resting on another responsible party. in the end, her moms husband stepped up and did the right thing. my wife and i got thru it, and i think (i hope) she learned that my first loyalty is to her and her son and our security, and then to anyone else who needs our assistance. and the whole thing was not that i wasnt willing to take care of her mom, but that this burden really should have fallen to someone else. anyway, we got thru that.

more time passes, im making more money, and i upgrade us again from our 800 square foot apartment, to one that is 1400, and in a really nice part of town. we originally both lived in the a ghetto part of town, mostly hispanics, some blacks, but a fiarly low income area. by the time we moved, i was carrying my pistol around with me when i walked around at night, and thats not right i decided. so i moved us to a totally pimp apartment on the other side of town. life was good.

so, im a full time systems administrator. i have a lot of computers, and this was nothing new to my wife, since the first day she visited me. i do spent a good bit of time at the computer when im home. rarely playing games, but 95% of the time im working on skills that i can turn around and market back to my clients. not long after we moved to our new huge apartment, i was promoted at work. the funds that were being used to pay for our apartment, were now covered by my higher income, and more budget opened up. about a year after that, i also opened up my own consulting business, and started taking jobs on weekends, and weeknights. our income sored from about 65K, to 100K. almost all our debts were paid, and we dreamed of owning our own house.

between all that, were vacations, trips to my parents house for holidays, huge hispanic birthday parties (both at hour house, and attending at her million family members). life was just generally good.

but about 18 months ago, we finally hit a snag. she was tired of the time i spent on the computer. she was probably right, im sure it was getting to be 3-4 hours a week night. but my consulting business was really taking off, and i was working my ass off to pay for this lavish lifestyle that. anyway, she was apparently ready to leave me, but at the last moment she changed her mind. she didnt tell me exactly what was wrong, but that it had something to do with how much time i spent on the computer. oh well, general-explanation was all i got. i curtailed my computer time right there, cold turkey.

over the next few months, when i would head to the computer room, she would say "… there he goes… to that computer again!" to which i would show visible intent to not go there if she really needed or wanted me to do something else, but it was always "nah, im just joking baby, you can do some computer a while, ill call for you when my spanish soaps finish". hindsight 20-20, this was probably a hint… but i dont deal in hints. i say what i mean and i mean what i say, and i suppose i expected my wife to do the same.

so more time passes. weve been talking about having a baby during 2007, and in october, we were visiting my parents house in houston. we sat in my old bedroom, and had a very intimate talk about our year, getting over that problem we had, and how that if we always communicate and work together, there will be no problem we cant ever get thru. we were both on the same page, and decided that january of 2008 we would start trying to have a baby. we were both sure we were as solid as can be.

so by now, we pretty much have our routines.

monday-friday, leave at 715am, drop son at school, i drop her at her job, and i work until 415. at whch time i drive to pick her up, and then to school to pick up son. get home about 515. cartoons for son while either make love or prepare dinner. after dinner (heh, sometimes frozen or ordering pizza!), bathtime for son. after bath, she would sit down to spanish tv. i dont speak a lick of spanish, so that was my time to head to the computer room. there he goes on that computer again.

weekends, we would usually get up early on saturday, and by about 9am i would drive her and son over to her moms, to spend the day doing whatever it is they do. they would sometimes go shop, sometimes go visit other realatives, etc etc. she rarely asked me to come along, so i would usually go back home and nap in the silence, or tinker on the computer or my classic pickup truck.

sundays, we would usually go to church, and get home and relax. last few months we would work intrips to chuckecheeses or trips to the park, or other things we could do as a family. she of course has her hobbies too, scrapbooking and other artsy things like that.

but in january of 2008, she starts going on these emotional up and downs. shes ready to leave, shes totally in love. shes ready to leave, shes totally in love. she’s also been text messaging alot lately with an old highschool friend, who he liked her when they were young, but nothing ever happened becuase they always had others. they were just friends now, and i never had a reason before to not trust my wife. mistake? *shrug*

so first quarter of 08 my wife just starts all this strange behavior. she wants me to change to one of these real cheap cell services here in town. she wants to go to the old clubs she used to go to , with her girl friends. she feels trapped and restrained becuase she doesnt have her own car to drive anymore.

oh yeah… a quick story about the car. she was ticketed for no drivers license, no insurance. $465. her car was wrecked, we sold the hulk for $1000, but we still owed like $3600 on it. Texas surcharched her 2 tickets 3 more times, so by the time that was all done, we were out $4400 bucks, and her car was a write off. more on this later.

so finally, end of march, she comes back, and shes sure that shes in love, and being with me is the best place for her to be, and that im the only man who has never beaten her, never mistreated her, and has taken real and honest care of her. she said ‘im ready to have a baby with you’

but i hit the brakes right there. im too level headed to bring a child into this world with the uncertainty our relationship has displayed recently. i told her, that now im the one who needs time. i need to observe her and see at least a month (really more, but i said month to make it easier) go by of no more of these up and downs. and no, it wasnt her period doing it, as it happened like 4 times in 2 months. it was a real emotional rollercoaster for me, and it was so draining. my coworkers could see my exhaustion.

so speaking of odd behaviors of my wife, she had started getting on the internet more and more. i had been telling her, "that you have to watch out with people on the net. they are usually misrepresented, and are usually there in a predatory mode. just as long as you understand that you cant trust people, and as long as you dont do something to dishonor me or our marriage, i have no problem with you enjoying and using the internet". or something along those lines, like im not going to watch over you every little thing you do. i trusted her, out of love.

getting thru march, its time to renew our lease on our apartment. we agreed, that we would do one more lease, and use the time to save up downpayment on a house. that summer of 2009, we would finally have our dream, and hopefully a child would be arriving soon after that. so the 31st of march, i signed us a new 14 month lease, in our $1250 a month apartment. 31st of march… remember that for in a bit.

april rolls around, shes been getting more and more distant. ive really been making effort to take her out on dates, shopping trips, etc etc. financial times have finally gotten better again. we took on some debt in the middle of last year, now was the time that entertainment budget was opening up again. probably from march to the end of april, i spent $2500 on going out, gifts, family outings, (and stuff for son too). basically, the things i had promised, were coming to fruition.

but things were still not going well. for the month of april, the possilbility of seperation keeps coming up in conversation. if it happened, would we do it as friends and not enemies? i was not keen on the idea at all, and usually i would counter with if you could even ask if were going to be friends or enemies, surely you must be thinking about it already. she never said one way or the other. i continued my devotion to her, however skeptical these bits of conversation were making me. we were making more and more time alone (with son at baby sitter) so we could work on being in love again, and the first friday of may, we had a really really really good date. best, most romantic weve had together in months. but even while we were out, she was still worried that if something happened, that i would hate her. i kept telling her that thinking like that is defeatist, and that we should be working on the here and now.

that friday night we got home to our apartment really late, and we fell into bed together, naked, in each others arms. both exhausted, we went right to sleep. we woke up in the moring, and went straight to pick up son. i confided in her that i wished we had made love the night before, that i really needed her touch badly at that time. our sex life has never been unpleasureable, but lately, ive really felt a lack of affection from her. the glass had been pretty empty lately, and that night, the time would have been right for romantic love. either way, im not a sexaholic, and i felt that just going to sleep was appropriate that night.

saturday the 3rd, we went and spent time with her brother. played basketball at the park, played on the playground with son, yet again, another really good family day. but by the time we got back home again, wife is back in her disparing mood again.

here is another thing. son has been going thru a real disobedient phase lately, both at home and school. hes been a real terror on his teachers. at wifes request, she wants no more spankings (which he really only got for especially horriffic behavior), and wants to change to another method of discipline. i also make some changes in how in interact with son, since i tend to be aggressive when he gets in his "ignore momy and daddy" attitude. i layed off that totally. other things too, i cringe at the way son just eats or spills everything he eats… over the carpet instead of the table. but again, at wifes request, i stopped saying anything about it since she said it was really causing a problem with her. again, this is information im getting, and immediately reacting to in a manner that she says will please her. anyway, sons behavior has been atrocious, but even showing his face to her, she would drop whatever she was doing, and shower him with hugs and kisses. i had been noticing this, and was noting to myself that its been forever since i got anything like that from her.

sunday, i drop her off to visit familiy. typical sunday. im home, doing whatever. that night, she actually calls me to come with the family, they were having a cookout. now that was really REALLY odd, based on how shes been acting towards me lately. she actually WANTS ME???? at first i was happy, but when i arrived, i knew why she called. her mom was there. obviously, she had not talked to her mom one bit about whats going on. at the party, there was a shortage of chairs, and when we shared one, she still sat right ont he edge, 4 inches between us. i actually had to tell her that regardless of whats going on between us, maybe we should act a little but like the couple they expected us to be. that was pretty painful to have to promt her on how to act. at this point, i now know what is up.

that night, she offers herself to me, but i declined. i said that there is too much distance between us right now, and that im unable to make love to her, that i know shes not into it right now. she replied that its a wifes duty to make her body available to her husband. i told her i didnt need her body, i needed her heart. i think that night i went to sleep on the couch, but after a few hours of not being able to sleep, i slipped back into bed (but staying over on my side). this was the first night that we didnt sleep body to body. we ALWAYS slept body to body, and it was fairly painful that we were obviously already seperated.

that morning, not much was said, in the house, or on the way to work. dropped off son, and when we got to her work, i let it out.

"take the car seat, as i wont be home tonight. the apartment is yours until you decide whats going on". i was sheading tears as i said these words, but i felt there was nothing else i could do. ive been to marriage counseling, ive read books on relationships, ive consulted my pastor at church. she came to one counseling session, and read the first 38 pages of one book. nothing else. i was just emotionally exhausted and couldnt take it anymore.

she looked a little in shock that i was doing this, but didnt complain. that afternoon, i went home with a coworker and stayed at his place that night. that was all monday the 5th of may. the next day, i sent her a text message, that i was going by the apartment to pick up shampoo and a few other things i forgot, at lunch time. while i was there, i did something i have never EVER done, the entire time we’ve been married. at a loss of understanding of exactly whats going on here… i searched her computer.

im a professional systems consultant, so it wasnt hard to undelete this and that and bring back the evidence of what she had been doing. since mid march…shes been emailing guys on these social networking sites, with little notes that are less than proper for a married woman. there were 4 or 5 of those little flirty remarks, but then on the tuesday morning… the 2nd day i was gone… she got up early and took some underwear pics and emailed to someone. "these were taken just for you".

i was fucking crushed.

she had allowed me to take pics of her many times, she was so beautiful. i never shared them with anyone, to me, this was just an extension of the intimacy between us. the fact, that she had shared something that was supposed to belong exclusively to me, was a horrific thought to me.

i called the office, and had the locks changed. i had the garage codes changed. i printed out all these emails and such, and waited for the end of the day. i didnt feel quite so bad about changing the locks, becuase after i messaged that i was going home, she said ‘thats fine, im staying at my moms tonight anyway’. so i met her at her office, and asked to speak to her. she looked nervous, and asked do we really have to do this at my work? everyone was already gone anyway, so i said "that inside my truck, no one will have to hear what were talking about".

she gets in, and i ask, "so, red bra and panties today?" she instantly looked like a deer in headlights.

"and who, is [someone]@yahoo.com?" she was caught. she went into defensive mode, and was fairly argumentative to the fact that i told her i was going back to the apartment to stay, and that she would need to call me ahead of time if she were going to be there.

wednesday, i stayed home from work, pretty much unable to function. i shed many tears that day, just still in shock that my wife would look for fullfillment from other men. even if there was no physical affair, there is still an emotional affair happening.

thursday, i filed for divorce. even on the 29th of march… she knew she was already done with this marriage in the middle of march (that was when the emails started), but still she kept her mouth shut and didnt say anything about me signing a 14 month lease on our apartment. on the 2nd… the day of our wonderful date, she sent an email to someone stating that "her former still doesnt want to believe that its over". so painful. "her former".

so a few days later, she comes by to pick up some stuff. she was very very nervous for me to be there, and pretty much just packed while i watched. i wasnt mean to her or anything, and was trying to just get her to finally talk. she did. she finally lets out whats wrong:

im not fun enough.
im always too serious.
im not paying enough attention to her and son.
shes not free to do what she wants, since she doesnt have a car.

these are the things she would not tell me 18 months ago, but she did give me another chance. now, shes telling me how to make her happy… but shes not willing to try to work it out anymore. what a fucking rip!

i told her that having fun is half her job too. shes allowed to make recommendations on where to go tonight, what to go out and do. but never one word out of her ever.

i told her im sorry, but im a man with responsibility. i have a wife who is an illegal immigrant, and every day i have to live with the fear that she will be picked up and deported. i have a small business to run, as well as a managerial postition at my 9-5 job. we have bills out our ass that have to always be paid on time, and budgets have to be maintained in order to continue to not be called by collectors (i was last called by a collectors over a year before she and i met… due to me being SERIOUS… *shrug*). i am unable to ever be irresponsible.

not paying attention. shes got me there. even tho i dont speak a lick of spanish, i would try to get out of the computer room and try to watch, but sometimes i would just stay in the room until she was done. i know i could have played with son some more, but i was working on that with the other parenting changes i had recently made. those changes were solid for a week now, and while i didnt expect them to make up for how ever many months of unhappiness for her, i did hope they would hold some weight with her. but,they didnt matter as far as she was concerend.

finally, her car. yep, its law in texas that you have drivers license and insurance if you want to drive. she has had the drivers license book forever, and even went as far as getting a permit in late 2005, but it never went any further than that. maybe i should have pushed her harder i dont know, but i also let her be free to be her own person. at any rate, i had made a promise to buy her a vehicle, and that time was coming soon. if she had her license, it would be hers… if she didnt… well then i would have 2. and then we would have a vehicle suitable for our new larger family. but she said that without a car, shes not free to just show up at my office and bring me lunch, or just go out and surprise me with this or that.

also, slightly unrelated, i also never called her during the day at her work. im not a mexican man, and i dont need to call to check up on her every 30 minutes. i wanted her to feel trusted, and wanted her to know that i didnt feel the need to keep her chained down or anything like that. apparently, this other guy friend from highschool… has been doing just that, and he has been "paying attention to her", instead of me. well for fucks sake, i can either trust her unquestionably… or lose her to another man who calls her all the time.

so shes back in some run down apartment, same block as we used to live on actually. i went to her a few days after she got in…. shes got that cheap cell service she begged me for months ago (the same one her friend is on.. now texting is free *rolls eyes*). i told her that id like her to come back, and lets work on this properly. that i can make all this disappear, her new apartment lease, her cellphone contract, everything thats a financial block, and come back home and lets work this out. she wouldnt budge, and asked me to respect her decision for the path shes on.

crushed again, i did. i only brought it up one last time, as she moved out her final boxes, and i said how much i regret filing for divorce. did we really mean for all this to get this out of hand? she said "i dont think so". but she still signed the final decree of divorce, and left. (we did have some time of forgiveness the previous time she was there to pick up boxes, for the things that had gone wrong in our relationship…)

so a few weeks have now passed. i went to the apartment manager, and told her whats going on, and at first, she wouldnt budge on the contract. $6000 to buy out, withouht hurting my credit. damn these texas housing contracts. however, a few days later, she comes back, and says that even tho shes not authorized by her boss, shes going to change my least to end on july 31, not sept 09. thank god!!! she didnt even change my rent rate to month-to-month. holy cow, thats a blessing from god, right there if i dont know one! ive since been working with a realtor, and im about to make an offer on a house (bad timing for the wife to leave, i guess).

so now, wife is acting all wierd again. shes being nice and polite. i asked her recently how her apartment is, and she replied "well its not the palace i was living in, but it was all i could afford". she swears shes not seeing anyone, especially that guy-friend from highschool. im not sure i believe her. i dont know why a woman would leave a non-abusive household, earning what we earned together, to trade it for a shit-box lifestyle without having another man to go to. doesnt make sense to me.

unfortunatly, things keep popping out of cabinets that belong to her. i had a hard enough time convincing her that shes entitled to a fair share of our belongings. she was ready to just forfit everything to me (well, the stuff that was hers before we got married she was taking, but i wanted her to at least have half of the stuff we accumulated together). i added up the total of our 3 bank accounts, and drew out an amount of half the cash (which was about 800 bucks… not much to go on for long). i took her a box of stuff last saturday, and just the 2 minutes i was there, put me in a depressive mood. ive been dreaming of her a lot lately too… and these dreams are all good outcomes for our marriage… and to me, all impossible and fictitious. its really painful.

she has also started signing her text messages to me… with the endearing nickname i used to call her. shes either trying to make sure she doesnt get cleaned out of my heart, to make sure her spot stays available… or shes torturing me.

i dont know how ill ever be out there in the dating world again after this. heh, debating now if i should actually even post this. *shrug*
a little bit about me "holding her down" and making live and honor the laws:

before we got married, she never filed a tax return… typical of illegal immigrants. after we got married, i made her start filing.

before we got married, she used her bogus social for this and that, apartment applications, her job, whatever. after we got married, its ITIN on the tax return, and that bogus social is used for nothing else (for the duration of the time it would take to get her immigration status resolved).

but the big one, was my absolute refusal to let her drive without drivers license and insurance. before we married, she just drove her car whereever, without any consideration for what the law says. most all of these examples, i think im finding, that this is just theway the illegal people think.

living lawfully is something thats important to me, and me forcing her to live the way a US citizen does… apparently was a real problem for her.

at least, thats what she says at least. she states that she has no faith that she will ever be a citizen (likely referring to congress lack of activity on the immigration reform).
I thought once you got married that she wouldn’t have been an illegal alien anymore? Once you marry a US citizen you too become a US citizen… or is that not the case anymore?
What you have been going thru isn’t uncommon. Im not blaming you, i just want you to know that for a woman ‘ being together ‘ means everything. And it has got nothing to do with logic, but you ‘spending time behind the computer’ was what made her cheat on you.

Your logic reaction would be. ffs i was doing that for us, for our lives.

You need to understand that her reaction was emotionally illogical to you, but for her, the moments you spend time behind the computer ‘should have been devoted to the time you should have spend on her’.

What you need to understand about woman , they need emotional stabilization and in order to reach this they need to be tuned into an emotionally satisfying setting. So its not about how rich you are, or in what palace you live or how many cars you have that’s important. Your complaints aside because we’ll talk later on that.

Because (and i know it sound fucked up beyond belief) you violated and placed the computer on top of your priority list as opposed in her view as putting her in nr.1 place. Was enough reason for her to emotionally break up with you , see it something as ‘ oh if you can do as you please and spend time on your computer then im allowed to talk to other guys ‘.

You know our family house has been thru something simular in some lines as this. My dad would go upstairs and sit behind the computer, and my mom would be left alone in the room. She felt lonely, but as opposed to your wife, my mom did something different. She dragged my father out of his room and demanded to spend quality time together, no more computer after 9 o clock.

Red im going to tell it to you honestly, this is something you cannot possibly anticipate if you haven’t been thru something like this before. This is a matter of having complete insight , if you knew

im not fun enough.
im always too serious.
im not paying enough attention to her and son.
shes not free to do what she wants, since she doesnt have a car.

In advance, then you might could have saved the relationship a few months ago. You are NOT to be blamed for this lack of insight, she is the one who should have related those feelings towards you, so both of you could have worked on it.

In other words, SHE HAS A PROBLEM, not you. And this is were the frustration begins because anyone who is not you cannot be controlled by you. And that presses on the problem in the relationship of not communicating. And with communicating i don’t mean talking, you two obviously did that , but about conveying her honest feelings towards you.

In terms of effort you did much much more then there was every to be expected in terms of effort,time and sacrifice so for Gods sake don’t start blaming yourself.

Now on how to proceed: You did the right thing by divorcing her, you did not act too quickly about it.

Your complaints were valid, in your situation in order to get stability in your life, you did all the right materialistical and logical moves on how you put things into place into your life. You’ll get a A+++ on that.

But here comes the real problem that men often have, naive and narrow minded. Naive because we think we are in control of the entire situation, while in reality we have no fucking clue on what the girl is thinking or what is happening. Seeing how you gave your wife access to the internet shows how you also fall into that catagory, you know we sometimes look at how backward and primitive Islamic cultures are for not allowing woman to even go outside , the men do that for exactly this kind of reason, namely to prevent that the woman will take off with another guy, and that’s why they forced the woman to wear headscarves just so that other men don’t give those woman attention. Now you dont have to go live in a cave just yet, but you have to understand the concept of self protection. A dog without a leash runs everywhere where it wants, including into the places where it isn’t allowed to be.And Narrow minded in the sense that men don’t pick up subtle hints woman drop, you are also straight forward and being that is just perfectly fine on many area’s , but not when it comes to a womans emotional feelings.

I also changed my thinking. I needed to stop thinking. What you see is what is happening: to ‘ there’s a lot of stuff going on behind my back, that i don’t know off’, that you need to beware off. Its not good if we go into paranoia mode, but we need to be extremely good at information gathering, we need to know as exactly as possible what is going on in the situation before things escalate, in order to prevent really bad stuff from happening.

I can only feel for you because this is more of a future warning then something that helps your current situation. For your current situation i want to say this. At this moment you just want your wife back, emotionally you are extremely strongly bonded to eachothers heart.

My advice tho is to proceed onwards to a life without her, although incomprehensable now, in the long run you two can never trust eachother anymore. I think it also was displayed into the kids behaviour, on not ‘knowing’ who daddy really was, plus having the fucked up genes from his demonical father he has a good likelyhood of probably going to end up being just like his real father.

In reality you are better off without this shit happening to you. What you need now is a cool of period ,were you keep working on improving your own life, and breaking off all contact with your wife.

I definitly suggest you go into theraphy and continue to vent your stories and frustrations in here, its good to let steam out every now and then so to speak.

In the long run if you are ready again and searchin willingly, there will be another woman in your life who is ready for you and worth all the time and effort you put into your future.

Much love and support from the Asylum crew, keep hanging in there, even tho its hard, we are here for you.
It’ll go easier on you if you pack up the things you still have that remind you of her. You don’t have to get rid of them if you don’t want to, but getting them out of your sight will help. Also, rearrange your furniture.
yeah im trying to completely cut off contact, but that wont be possible, at least in some minimal forum, until next tax season is over.

i always justified in my head, that im doing computer stuff while shes watching spanish tv (that i dont understand anyway). she surely didnt see it that way.

right now, i have all her pictures turned around backwards so i dont have to see them day to day. there is actually still a picsframe on out bedroom wall, but its behind a door, and i cant see it.

i did continue to see our marriage therepist after the seperatation, but when i told her that "im ok, im making it, im back at work", she told me im wrong for feeling ok, that im holding in my anger. our session ended early, and she didnt reschedule me. i guess imthe devil or something. *shrug* whatever.

i wish i could rearrange our furniture. im only in this apartment for another 60 days, ill manage until then. the stuff i bought for us is much too large to fit any other way and still be able to walk (or much too heavy, in our bedroom furniture). but, thats still a good idea

like i said, the worst thing for me right now is that when she needs to text me, shes signing it with her nickname i gave her (something moderately inappropriate to be using anywhere but between us… certainly not something i think she would tell her mom or anyone else… and im sure her new man would not want to call her something that was special between her and i)… which makes no sense for her, since she told me to respect her decision, to be using anything other than her real name with me.
wow, sounds like some of you actually read my story. thanks
Dude, I dont even know what to say. I hate reading about things like this, it makes it REAL. I read your entire story and just imagined what it would be like if I were in that situation, even easier since im a sys admin and own my own consulting biz. All I have to say is you must be one mentally tough man, I would have already lost it if I were you.

Stay strong, and hopefully things work out best for you. Seems as if your marriage may have gone bad, but from what you have said it sounds like you know how to make good decisions in life. Its cliche, but it really is all a journey and your true test of character is how you deal with things along the way. Props to you.
I don’t understand the problem with you being on the computer when she would be watching soap operas? Did she expect you to watch soap operas together? Sometimes you need a break from each other and her watching soap operas while you were on the computer was that break. But next time you do need to watch how much time you spend in front of the computer.

2 people can fall out of love almost as quickly as they fell into it. I know it hurts but you need to accept it and move on and meet new women. You can’t let it bring you down.

I don’t mean to pry but how was your sex life? You used the term "make love" or "making love" so it sounds like your sex life was pretty bland. Read the thread in the Vaginarium about "making love", women don’t like that term.

You took care of her and her son and made sure they had a great place to live and food to eat, so it had to be something else. If she was looking outside of your marraige for other guys, experts say that women cheat for emotional reasons, so she must have been trying to fill an emotional void in your marriage.

She is being nice to you now because she didn’t want to hurt you but she didn’t know how to tell you that she wasn’t getting the sexual attention that she needed.

It is hard to make a woman happy to the fullest because women are indirect communicators. They communicate with men by dropping hints. Us guys feel that our SO’s should come directly talk to us if something is wrong so we can work it out. But it just doesn’t work that way. Women expect us to pick up the hints and fix something that we don’t know is broken.

Stay cool
*shrug* we did have sex a lot. and i always did the things that bring her to orgasm. sometimes we were just fucking to fuck, sometimes we were passionately making love. we rarely did it the same we did it the previous time. some afternoons we would get home and put a disney movie on for son just so we would immediately get some time for bedroom.

i dont think it was sexual attention, because she didnt have her own car to drive around in. i would take her everywhere she needed to go, every day. it would have been very very difficult for her to be having a physical relationship with someone else (of course im not saying it was totally impossible). and while she did allow me to photograph her totally nude, she was timid enough that when i grabbed her butt in the store it would embarrass her, and the pics she took for the other guy were underwear only.

anyway, she claims she was never sexually dissatisfied, but i guess who knows really.
I think she’s doing both to you. She’s pulling at your heart strings to keep a space available for her, and she’s torturing you.

I think she’s just found out how good she got it with you. She was irrational, and did things on impulse instead of being open and communicating with you on how she was feeling and what she wanted from you and instead of coming out with compromises on how to work things out, she took the initiative to cheat on you–even after you handed her forgiveness on a silver platter.

Don’t let her pull on your heart strings, and pack away all those things that remind you of her. Put them in a box, and hide them in the closet, in the attack.

Stay strong, and keep doing what you’re doing. It sounds like you tried to give her everything, and she turned it away because you were working hard on making a life easier for her and her son.

Don’t let her play around with you emotionally… :hugs:
i tell you what, my cat dabney has been a real trooper thru all this. her dedication and loyatly and undying love for her poppa, has really helped me get thru this.

its almost like she has been able to sense there is something wrong with me lately, and has been by my side everyday the past month. i mean, she usually always follows me around the house anyway, but she has been in my lap or whatever every moment possible.
awww kittah awwww

There are always those out there who will always love you! (i.e. kittah!)

thank you for that. many of my RL friends have been saying the same thing, but believe me its a good feeling to hear it from a stranger.
It didn’t sound like he spent an unreasonable amount of time on the computer to me, but who knows. She sounded like the one with the major problems. She doesn’t know how to communicate. If you can’t communicate you can’t maintain a relationship. DON’T let her back into your life. In fact I’d suggest cutting off contact with her completely. You’ll find someone else. Good luck.

well, my son’s grandfather is a citizen because he married a citizen and i live in Garland.

ive been to so many immigration lawyers over this. she had been here illegally so long she didnt have any options. if i would have married her in el salvador and then brought her here, it would have been a different story.

right now, here only option is to declare, allow herself to be deported, and then if we were still married, i could write letters to the american consulate in el salvador and plead with him that i am unable to function in society without my spouse, that im going documentably insane, and that i am unable to parent her son properly without her here.

after that, if they believe me, it can be a little as a year and she can legally enter the country and get into process. otherwise, if they dont believe me, you can legally enter the country for like, 10 years.

of course, she has family members who get deported, and they show up 9 months later, here illegally again of course. thats no way to live IMO, and i never considered that type of thing an option.

doesnt matter a hill worth of shit now, tho.
actually, my wife has stated that she fears that i will call immigration on her as vengence for hurting me.

she watches too many telenovelas.
I’ve been there brother. I can certainly relate.

It will probably take quite some time, but it WILL get better.
You did the right thing filing for divorce.

And I don’t think that searching her computer was wrong, either. It lead you to objective truth.

the computer, technically, belonged to me however, i gave it to her in our division of possessions, since i likely wouldnt be using it.

I read your entire story from start to finish and as soon as i started reading about how you purged her computer and found the pictures that had been sent, I was just as crushed. I am appaled that a woman in her stature would do this–especially to a man that loves her as much as you do. I aspire to be like you some day. A man that can work his ass off AND make time for the only person that I love. You truly are idolized by myself and others i’m sure. I want you to know that I am here for you in the many months to come. I know that you can overcome this hard-ship. She doesn’t deserve you, sir. Good luck with closing on your house and this will take time. Although I am only 21, I am grateful that you posted this so that i can learn from this as much as you learned when you typed it. The tears that you have shed became the pages of knowledge that i am increasingly obsessed with learning and absorbing. We are ALL here for you my friend. Good luck.

realistically, i would probably do at least 2 hours on weekdays (reciprocated by my wifes at least 2 hours of tv shows that i would have no intrest in watching), and probably 4-8 hours on saturdays or sundays. at least some of these sat or sunday hours, would be while wife and son were out visiting family (and i would be home alone). but i was never unavailable to my family during any of those hours. son was constantly coming to talk to me, and i would turn to talk to him back every time (etc etc). its not like i was zoned out or anything. honey-do jobs and tasks were never ignored, i was up out of the chair if my wife ever called. EVERY TIME my wife was cleaning or something, i was out of my chair asking if could help with something. "what i can i do to help you babe?" EVERY single time, without fail. i constantly told her that its not fair for her to take care of all the chores in the house, and me to just piddle around not doing any household work at all, that she could ask of me anything, and she would get my assistance and participation, immediately.

tasks such as vacuuming hte rugs, cleaning the cat litter, and taking out the garbage, were exclusively handled by me, every time, without promting (altho sometimes i would let the carpet go an extra week before i would do it again… *shrug*, we really didnt track a whole lot of dirt in our place). i also pretty much always washed my own laundry, got my own coke or beer, got my own snack. i DID NOT consider my wife to be my slave or servant. once every blue moon i would ask my wife to bring me a drink, and when she did, i thought that was the most special thing ever, and i was so thankful, and always mindful not to abuse such a wonder thing from (what i thought was) a wonderful woman.

my point being, that i was actively still participating in the goings on of the house, and not in a total zone out all to myself.

also, i dont always default to computer only, i do have other hobbies too. but computer, is my carreer, and it puts food on our table and a roof over our heads. just as an artist doesnt work only from 9-5, and any successful business man clocks anywhere from 50-60 or more hours in a typical week.

but none of this is saying i could have done less computer or paid attention more… if only it were asked of me, which it never was. as far as i was concerned, i was getting ready for my next string of hours billed at a rate of $120 an hour (which in 2007, i think i billed like, 84 hours on the side, working weeknights or weekends, i worked my ass off but turned good pay).

all that extra income i earned paid off tons of credit card debt, which was all hindering our plans to own a home. again, as far as i was concerned, i was working on the future we had agreed on.

i definitely feel that my wifes inability to communicate, denied me my chance to make any or every change that she could (but didnt) ask of me.
on the flip side of a lot of the above post, my wife also stated that im the only man who:

took her out of town on vacations
didnt constantly make her wait on me (drinks, food, etc)
cooked for her and son
helped around the house with chores, esp doing my own laundry
gave her a credit card(s) with her name on it
didnt beat or abuse her

i mean, she physically voiced that she took note that im different from every man she has ever been with in the past (but also, that im the only white man shes ever been with too).
and everyone, thank you, ive actually had 48 hours of no depression, and im sure its due to talking about it here, and hearing encouragements from all of you.
I read the story and first thought was this is classic woman logic at work. As men we are able to logically put facts on the table and make a life decision based on what’s the best route to go. Women on the other hand is all about emotions. Darketernal really puts it in perspective for me. I certainly think she made a decision that is wrong but at least now I understand why she made it. Her emotions are not being fulfilled and she went out of her way to find it. Another classic example is that she is now nicer to you because you are gone. The loving emotions that you used to give to her are gone and she is now acting on it to get fulfilled again. I will never understand women completely but from reading Vag and Asylum, I"m seeing a pattern that is starting to form. Just because you’re a good man and a good provder on everything else, that doesn’t mean she is fulfilled. A woman is most happy when she has all her emotion buckets filled, whether it is fear, love, anger, excite.
totally, 100% agree. but i cannot fullfill something if im not told what it is that needs fullfilling.
so last night, i ended up going to see my ex, so i could deliver another load of stuff to her. she had called me, and truthfully, her voice sounded very timid and unsure. i mean it was such a tone of voice, that my first question was ‘are you ok’ (as in, are you in trouble or hurt or something). she said no, but she asked about lots of the childrens medicine that was in the medicine cabinet… had gone totally overlooked. i told her i would pack it up and get it over to her. we agreed for sometime on saturday, but then i called her right back and said "how about i just bring it over now" (since my saturday was going to be quite busy with a full day of house shopping, and id really rather not deal with it after ill be exhausted anyway).

so i went over there and dropped off more of her stuff. we talked for a few minutes. shes so very nervous talking to me, so remoresful for breaking my heart, but she is still being very defensive of her position for choosing to go back to being single again.

i had a hell of a time getting her to calm down, and to understand that im NOT trying to talk her into coming back, only that im just trying to learn exactly what it was that caused her to be unable to talk to me. i actually already know what it was that prevented her communication… "she fears me".

fears me is what ive been trying to dredge out of her since all this occured. fear me how? ive never so much as even pushed her, and i think i raised my voice to her maybe 2 times in almost 3 years. did she fear getting a spanking on her bottom, like the boy did when he needed it? i really have no idea, but im sure its related to some form or sort of percieved vengence that i would exact on her or something. revenge for breaking my heart? again, ive never displayed any thought or action of vengence or the need for revenge or getback on anyone in this life. i have no idea why she would think such things of me. (like i said, she watches too much spanish telenovella dramas… which are brimmed full of this vengence crap, especially over love *rolls eyes*)

anyway, at this point im just trying to get her to relax around me so we can talk objectively about what happened. i am determined as possible to learn as much as i can from her about this so that whatever future relationship doesnt get affected by this. if i truly have some defect (which, 100% of my RL friends are unable to define), then she is the only one who can decribe how i can eliminate whatever the problem was.

we were mesageing back and forth this morning, and i was telling her basically exactly what i wrote above, and she replied back ‘spend more time with your family and not on the computer’, but i replied back ‘thats the part i already know… what i need to know is why you feared me to the point you couldnt talk to me about what was wrong’.

at this point im just trying to get my closure, so i can improve myself (*shrug* if there is even something definable that i can improve), and move on.
well, here is my update. last week, i think i actually went from tuesday thru friday, without any depressive feelings over all this. i had a fairly positive mental attitute about the future.

saturday, i went house shopping with my realtor for about 4 hours in the morning, then turned around and did a 3 hour consulting job after that. unfortunately, by the time i finally got home late in the afternoon, i was feeling the gloom again. much of it was on behalf of my friend, whos company i was consulting for… is going thru the same thing that led me to my divorce. he and his wife are also feeling the problems of falling out of love after many years, and while he is the one who is falling out of love (reverse of my situation), he is actively searching for ways to fix it. she doesnt feel like anything is wrong, and thus isnt motivated to make changes to make my friend happy again (also reversed from my situation). either way, it makes for seeing 2 people who i care deeply about, currently on the road to pain.

so since i have no family to take care of right now, weekends get lonely right now. i stared at my wall the rest of saturday and all of sunday, stewing over how my wife feared me, and what a monster i must be. how will i ever recover the carcass of how i am, to be something good for some other woman someday?

all these things going thru my mind caused me to be unable to remember if i was even going anything at all right, in our marriage. unfortunately, the only person i could turn to for encouragement on this issue… was my exwife herself. so i called her late last night.

she answered when i called, and at first was fairly aprehensive about talking to me. surely she feared i was calling to beg her back or talk about why she couldnt talk to me, but i assured her that my reason for calling was way beyond that. i really had to let down my own guard (because im the strong unbreakable type…) to tell her that i had been doing quite well until saturday afternoon, and what exactly i was dealing with in my head, that i was doubting my own existance as "a husband" that was worth having anyway.

she told me, that over all i was a very responsible man, that i always took care of the family properly (ie, cooking dinner, maintaining the household, things like that), i didnt treat her like my servant (ie i never asked her really to bring me a drink to the computer room, and i pretty much always did my own laundry), and that she even said that in the bedroom i was always pleasing.

she did say that she always felt guilty that she didnt do more to be more like a servant, reciprocating how i was always volunteering to help with cleaning, or if i was on my way to the kitchen i would always ask if i could bring her something. when she said she wished she had done more, i asked "so what stopped you?" she didnt know.

i did make it a point to tell her some of the ways that she was a good woman to me (well, of course i mean back before all the BS got in the way), and over all i think we both feel a little better for the wear.

ultimately, she did tell me that she has feared every man she has ever been with, and she wont ever stop fearing, and that her fear was not my fault. i still have a hard time grasping that with how lovingly i acted to her in all areas of life that she could still lump me into the category [as the man who killed her first child]. the loss of her child i know damaged her, but i never knew it went that deep as to translate to how she interacted with me as well.

oh well, over all i ended up getting what i needed, and that was some positive mental reinforcement that im still good. hopefully im on my way to my next string of days where i dont experience any down days (i know im not done with them, but id expect that as time passes, ill get more and more positive days between the negative days). so far, this is positive day number 1

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Brief pointers

1) Its obviously OCD, the entire family knows it, she knows it.
2) She has had this all her life, shes never changed her ways
3) She knows what OCD is, but wont admit to her having it (severe case too btw)
4) We have all tried to help her and set her up with prof. help but she has never wanted to cooperate. She never has and never will, my mother is incredibly stubborn. She wont even admit to having OCD, she claims this is normal.

5) Shes also 58 yrs old, so she will not be changing at all, which is upsetting but we all know we have to live with it.

She is basically a clean freak – she is obsessed! She always thinks everything is dirty 24/7 and needs constant washing. I could go on about this, but ill give some examples and Im sure you can get an pretty good idea just how bad her OCD really is. Its gotten to the point where we just have to live with it, as hard as it is to see her waste so much of her free time…well nothing we can do. We can only do so much.

- she goes grocery shopping everyday of the week, even if its just to buy one thing. She will not buy food unless she plans on eating it that day (again it comes down to her obsession about freshness). Uhh mom, thats what fridges are for? She buys bananas, she buys ones way too new to even eat…so she buys the green ones, which of course you will have to wait a week just to eat them.

- everthing she buys from the grocery store she sticks in plastic bags because according to her its dirty Not only that, but she will go the extra effort and tie knots…so not only does she waste more time, but she wastes even more having to undo it when it gets home. Ive gotten to the point now where I know she will come home every single day with groceries, so half of the time now I dont bother helping her put it away. I know that may sound a bit cruel and Im not tryin to be. But im trying to get her to learn.

Just because she feels she has to waste time everyday going to the store just to buy one or two things, doesnt mean I should have to waste time everyday just to feed her habit. Am I being reasonable here? I dont mind her going to the store say a few times a week and I can help her with groceries, but every single day? Uhh I told ma already "Im sorry but I got better things to do with my time than to go to the store everyday"…even if its -40 out she still goes!!!! SHE IS CRAZY I TELL YA!!!! I used to help her with grocery shopping, but she insisted that I go more often and I told her I wasnt willing to. I mean whats the point! Just buy what you need for a few days in one trip! ARGH!!! So I stopped shopping for her altogether. If she wants to make a special trip every single day, then let her…its her problem. I want nothing more to do with this.

- she comes home from work everyday, first thing she does? Take a bath, get changed like a normal person? Nope. Eating something? Nope. Turn on the tv and watchin some tv? Nope. She goes right to the kitchen and cleans the sink for an hour. She does this again when she wakes up every morning. And she will do it again, after supper. Goes and cleans the sink for an hour.

- first off when she does this, she uses so much god damn dish soap, no wondering why she spends so much on soap and it takes so long to get it all down the drain. Ma, you dont have to use 20 pumps to wash a pot! It takes her 15mins to wash a single utensil, but yet half of the time she doesnt want to use the dishwasher Even if you use the utensil to open something and its not even dirty – its always dirty to her….so in the sink it goes

- So she washes the dish (15mins), then she will wash the sink after (another 15mins) and then wash the cloth (another 15mins) that she used to wash the dish and sink. Then she will wash the tap and outside ledges of the sink (another 15mins). Then she will wash the counter tops. (another 15mins). She does this at least 4 or 5 times a day…with each time taking at least an hour. . Basically everytime she washes a dish or bunch of them, she always goes through this habit of washing the sink and cloth and counter tops after.

I get so fed up watching her waste so much of her free time at the sink and hearing the water run non stop. I just ignore the fact that shes doing what shes doing and I always shut my door so I cant hear the water running. I know everytime we have company over, say people are tryin to watch tv…guess what we cant even hear it cause shes got the sink running at full blast She makes things so complicated when she doesnt need to.

Seriously, she might as well just keep the sink on 24/7…why even bother having a tap since she pretty much turns it on every 30 seconds when at home Nobody in the family knows why she does the things she does – like going grocery shopping every single day of the year…even if its just to buy one thing!!! Just get it the day before ma! Jesus, but she wont ever listen!!!

-
its just what she wants
EDIT: and JakobwithaK how are you?

Ya I know its what she wants, but it really annoys me when she gets on other peoples cases about not acting like how she does. Sorry, but I dont think anyone in this world is willing to go grocery shopping every single day, or spend an hour every time washing the kitchen sink.

Im alright and you?
not too bad my damn keyboard still wont work but the customer service is other than that waiting for this weekend to do some x-mas shopping for my gf (girl who is a friend )
EDIT: and i see what u mean now that would annoy me too
My dad is like this – except just the kitchen part. Ever since we renovated the kitchen he washes the sink and the countertops, but for about half an hour a day. Every day as well. It pisses me off to no end.

Best thing to do is move out.

I feel that one day when I do move out, I will probably avoid my parents like a plague. I know it’s mean but I just can’t stand them.
Take a shit in the sink?

At least she’ll have something to clean.

Sorry, that’s the best suggestion I have.

beginning to feel the same dads not too bad though
Get a DSM or an article about OCD and show her the list of symptoms so she can see an unbiased version of what OCD is. It’s "normal" to deny having a disorder and it’s "normal" to think that other people "don’t understand" so you best chance is to show her something which is not related and you can only hope that she’ll feel like she has it so that she decides to get help. There are meds for this if she doesn’t want therapy.

what do you mean your keyboard still wont work? lol

Ya well the first step to overcoming OCD is to admit you have it and she wont…we’ve all tried. So whatever we dont care anymore, we can only do so much. Well its a bit relieving to hear that there are others like her

For a dude to have this is extremely rare…very surprising too.

Did you try to put her with a list of the symptoms, and ask her to put a checkmark beside the symptoms which she has ?
My mom shops everyday too, nothing wrong with that. The running water would piss me off though, I like peace and quiet.
If you want to know true OCD, live with my room mate.

Every morning, his ritual is to do 15 push-ups with his right arm, and then 15 with the other. He then takes a chair, places his foot on it, and do push ups that way. He does this for about a good hour before getting ready for work.

When he comes home, the first thing he does is check that his food is in the fridge, that his things are on his desk, and that no one has taken anything. He believes that everyone has been eating all his food when he’s eaten it himself and that he just has a horrible memory because of his old age. I’ll take a picture of him when I get home, lmao.

He then walks around the house, looking confused, looking for stuff that either a) isn’t his, b) doesn’t exist, or c) he forgot what he’s looking for but still trying to look for it.

If he finds a pair of socks that isn’t his in the living room, he’ll walk around the house asking everyone if it’s theirs. He then does it again every thirty minutes until someone takes it from him.

He does dishes at 1 in the morning, and while things are in the dishwasher, he vacuums for about an hour.

When he comes home, he has to remove everything from the common room/living room. This means, if you have a book on the table, he’ll move it some where else. If you have a plate of food on the table, he’ll more then likely ask someone if it’s your food (like they know what you’re eating right? ) and if they don’t know who’s it is, he’ll throw it away and put the plate in the kitchen. If you have magazines on the shelf in the bathroom, and it’s for ‘bathroom reading’ then he’ll place it in your room. If you have mail, he’ll place it on the floor in your room instead of handing it to you or placing it on the desk in your room.

I remember about a week ago, I took some ibuprofen because my back was hurting and left the bottle on the table and forgot to place it back in my room. He took it and when I asked if he had seen it, he said that it was his. A few days later, still pretty annoyed and pissed about it, I asked him when he was going to give me my ibuprofen back. He looked at me and had this sort of … grin on his face and said that he found his other bottle and thought that it was his. Of course, me being me, and still fuming over such a thing, I told him to give it to me and when he gave it to me and didn’t apologize, I made a comment and… well… ¬_¬ … at the end I was being a total bitch but I don’t regret it. You just can’t take something from someone and claim that its yours. Not the first time he’s done this too, so of course I’d be annoyed.

He doesn’t talk much, so he’s pretty quiet, but when he talks, he doesn’t stop. A lot of the time, the only conversations you’ll ever have with him is when he asks, "Is this yours?"

If he’s missing butter, or cheese, he’ll ask if I took it. If say no, he’ll ask the SO about 30 minutes later and the SO will say no. He did this one time because apparently he was missing mozzarella cheese, and asked us both in general if we took it and my SO answered. In about 30 minutes, he came back to ask me and I looked at him and said, "No, we didn’t take your cheese. You came by and asked that already." His reply was because I didn’t answer it and only my SO did.

I told him that my SO and I eat together so if one of us did use it, we both would know. It’s ridiculous.

He moves everything so they’re even. Kinda like Monk… and he’ll place things just anywhere that’s not bothering him. Such as, he knows we use the dining table to do homework, reading, projects, writing and shit like that. At the end of the day, he’ll come by and move everything and look through everything and if it doesn’t seem important he’ll chuck it away. This means if you stayed up a while to do a project and leave it there whether it’s because the glue needs to dry or something, he’ll move it and break and won’t fess up or he’ll simply throw shit away.

He’s an OCD clean freak. We all think he’s on drugs that’s making him forget things although I don’t know of any drugs that will do that to you. He has a lot of energy until 3AM (when he usually goes to sleep) and then wakes up like two-three hours later.

OCD, obviously. Could be biological, most likely. Procedures do exist now to alleviate this symptom, but only in those who accept and consent.

Great cliff notes.

Severe, agreed. No there isn’t anything you can do except not be an accomplice to the process. You can do a professional intervention. You don’t have to take part is any activities associated.

The person with OCD can’t help their behavior. In-fact that’s part of the diagnostic criteria. Often individuals with this disorder try to suppress it, but fail to.

It’s acceptable to not help. However, you won’t get her to "learn" — she has OCD, which is primarily a biological condition if you believe the majority of scientists studying the condition. A physiological problem of the brain, not a chosen behavior. However, even if it’s psychological in nature, that too can’t be controlled without extensive Cognitive Behavioral therapy, and or medication. Even then, the patient isn’t fully able to control it.

No you certainly don’t have to take part. You can take part in helping a few times a week (or as you chose arbitraryily). You can set boundaries even though she has an illness, and you can tell her what you’re willing to do and not do.

That’s fine. However, I think you need to approach this from a different point of view. Calling her crazy isn’t going to solve the problem, but neither is trying to "get her to learn" — she has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

The point is she has to behave that way.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a most commonly characterized by a subject’s obsessive, , and related compulsions (tasks or "") which attempt to neutralize the obsessions.

There is a reason the sink itself was the chosen focus, in most probability an issue with food and food born illness or germs, including but not limited to food, dishware, food utensils and other items related to food.

Perhaps in the past somewhere, her mother or someone else had a related obsession or some type of abuse ocurred in which a relationship was formed with the food. The dynamics are not well understood in psychiatry or psychology from what I understand.

The focus (The sink) is not as important as the behavior itself.

She does. She doesn’t want to, rather she has to. Her ability to cope depends on the ritual.

Washing by hand is her ritual, the dishwasher is putting power in a machine, thus removing control. Without control of the ritual there is not relief. The relief may take hours, but it comes. It is the only way they’ve found that works.

It is very important you educate yourself on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, in order to alleviate your feelings of frustration. Understanding the condition will help you to see your mother in a different light. Rather than a monster behaving insanely, you’ll see her as a victim of an illness, and that may help you as well as her. Most people with OCD know they’re ill, but refuse treatment because they have no support, no "true" support. They feel that others think they’re crazy, and thus treat them like what they do or say doesn’t matter.

That’s the key word. That is why you struggle so much. See, the reality is, she "does" have to behave that way. From her point of view, she can’t exist without intense anxiety, perhaps even crippling to the point of a nervous break-down. She has no choice, else she would choose differently. See, even if you see other options, she doesn’t, therefore when you point out other options, they are vapor. They aren’t real for her.

The person who has a choice to change isn’t her. It’s you.

She listens, she just can’t stop. And the family will know once you read this article:

I recommend you and or others from the family consult and obessive compulsive treatment specialist, probably a psychiatrist. Find one who is primarily invested only in that disease. They will help arrange interventions, also the organizations for OCD can be of value. You’ll find most of this information on the link I gave you. Read up, and you’ll be able to help her. You have to understand by imagining what it would be like trapped in a mind that forces you to behave in that manor. Imagine how distressing that would be.
i’m just lol’d thinking of some poor woman frantically cleaning the sink all day

but that is relaly bad ocd. she needs help.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahahah

Someone who comes into contact with cleaning chemicals/soaps all day will eventually develop some form of dermatitis which isn’t good. And that matters.

She’s severely OCD. I could open up my DSM right now and probably check every single symptom for it with her. She needs help really bad man.

send her over to my place, it could use a good cleaning
tie her up on a chair?

get yr family to do this, its like quitting smoking, but sink cleaning
I work in a grocery store and can tell you from years of experience that shopping every single day is VERY common for a lot of people. Shopping twice a day is even common for many people. Not sure about the cleaning stuff :. I have OCD and wash my hands several times an hour. I don’t think this will change until you messy kids move out and leave her stuff alone. Put her on vacation and take her out to eat, break her habits.
It won’t change if the messy kids move out, it will only find another way in.

She has to make a willing choice to confront it. And the people around her need to respect how difficult that is.

Sorry about the situation, Jakob. It’s a tough thing to deal with.

Its getting worse, the sink is pretty much on every second when shes home. She literally spends all her time at the sink when home, aside from sleeping.

This thread title has changed from 3hrs to every single min when home.

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My two questions are

A.) the only ways I’ve found to cope so far are benzos and smoking pot, is this something I should share with the doc? (more specifically the benzos, I dont want to seem like i’m just seeking drugs)

and

B.) How the fuck do you other people deal with it when the attacks come? Usually I get so caught up in them and my thoughts begin racing to the point where I can’t think logically enough to help myself out of it

A) Yes, you need to tell your doc about both of these things. He/she really needs to know as much about your life and how you currently cope with these problems so they can truly help you. Leaving this stuff out is what gets a lot of people in trouble. Imagine if your doc prescribed something for you and it interacted badly with something you were taking but didnt tell them about…Also, these things affect your mood as well, so they will also probably affect how they help you.

A) Definitely tell him this. You can’t seek good treatment without being totally open. That is not the kind of stuff he’s going to judge you for or report you for.

B) There was a thread on this very recently but I’ll reply again. When I used to get my attacks (at least when they were at their worst and most frequent) it was extremely hard to prevent them. The best thing I could do was sit with my head between my legs and take very large breaths. Try as hard as you can to think of anything other than the attack itself or what might be causing them. Play out a baseball game in your head, anything. Also, if you are somewhere with a friend or family member try to have them talk to you. Have them ask you questions about anything just to keep your mind off the attack.

thanks for the reply

I was planning on mentioning that I’ve noticed when under the influence of pot I’m much less likely for an attack, I just didnt know if I should mention taking benzos that I don’t have an rx for

and I’ve tried everything you’ve mentioned during the attacks, nothing really helps that I’ve found yet once they’re triggered
You should tell your dr. Another thing, the drugs that you are doing, even though you may think are helping, are probably contributing to your anxiety.

You can try to talk yourself out of it by repeatedly saying "this too shall pass" or "this is extremely uncomfortable right now but it won’t kill me, the worse that will happen is that I will hyperventilate, perhaps pass out, but then I will resume breathing normally". "this is not life threatening, only feels that way’.

Something else I am trying to learn is refocus on my environment when I am feeling anxious i.e. what do you smell, see, hear, touch a chair and describe how it feels, things like that. Force yourself to focus on something other than your panic.

thats some good advice, I’m going to jot it down so when an attack hits i’m not fighting my own mind to remember it

It does help some dixie. Sometimes I just rub my jeans or my hand and try to describe the texture i.e. jeans, rough, nubby, lines, etc. Hearing, i.e. bird chirping, car, wind blowing, etc. Think and describe every little detail and keep doing it until you feel a bit calmer.
thinking about all these problems + going to the dr friday + some stress at work triggered a really bad one today, I ended up having to get up and walk out

my work doesnt help, I cant try and work through it because I deal with people on the phone who are pissed off because their entire four season’s hotels internet doesnt work and shit (i work in network operations) but that will change in August when I quit to go back to school

Dixie, when I use to get irrate customers on the phone, I would just hold the phone out and let them go off for awhile. Then I would say something like "I understand your frustration but yelling won’t help the situation" then I’d ask that they calm down so we can try and deal with this problem. Try not to take it as a personal attack (which even though you may not think you are, you probably are). If someone is yelling, we just tend to take it personal. It’s hard to talk to someone like that. If they want to continue yelling, keep telling them that the yelling won’t solve anything and that you will wait until they have calmed down. Detach from the situation as much as you can. This is THEIR problem not YOURS, THEIR anger, not YOURS. You are only there to help them solve it.

you wont pass out from an anxiety attack unless you forget to breath or have low blood sugar for some reason

just maintain a steady slow breathing pattern, concentrate on exhaling slow and longer then the inhale and get your mind off of your fears at the moment and you will disarm one from developing

.

I also take benzos, one of the only thing that helps. Instead of taking them all the time, I would take them at night as needed [when my anxiety gets really bad] or if I feel an attack coming on, this helps a lot. This is also because I’m on meds for other things, and it helps control it + a LOT of behavioral therapy to manage it. I barely need to take them at all anymore.

Also, are you seeing a GP or an actual Psychiatrist? You really, really need to see a psych or specialist and NOT just your regular doctor. Hopefully, they can work on some behavioral therapy as well which works wonders.

I’ve passed out from anxiety attacks before when I was younger.

I’ve had them so severe that I couldn’t control my breathing to the point I was asphyxiated and passed out.

going to a GP for a few other things and this on friday, might see a specialist next week
Have you ever tried intense exercise when you were having an attack? The one time I had what I think was an anxiety attack I was freaking out so bad that I didn’t know what to do. So I just went outside and ran as fast as I could for a minute or 2 till I felt like I was going to collapse and then just walked for another 20 min or so and I felt a million times better. Obviously that wouldn’t work if you are at work but if you are at home then give it a try and see if it helps
I almost lost my job over walking out last night in the midst of my attack

I hope between therapy and medicine I can get this under control

What do you do? Serve?

I blacked out a few times having attacks at school and in class

Once I ran out while a kid was giving a presentation and I was so embarassed I couldn’t walk in until he was doen and then had to ignore all the freaked out looks from everyone.

I work in network operations, basically I take calls from hotels/hospitals/stores when their wifi goes down and they need someone to do remote troubleshooting

Ahhh ok, that’s understandable. Sorry though Did you explain to them what happened? I think it’s the kind of thing you can’t get fired over, especially if you give proof you are getting help.

yeah I explained everything and it was obvious I was having a panic attack considering the hyperventilating, not making sense, trembling, etc.

I asked two bosses to leave, both wouldnt give me a direct answer so I just up and took off….I can bring them stacks of paperwork saying I have GAD, I’m hoping they do fire me over this

riding unemployment through the start of fall semester would be
check out the linden method book/kit thingy, i think you can get it on amazon, its expensive but it pretty much saved my life
I’d suggest avoiding antidepressants if a doc tries to steer you that way. Myself & others I’ve spoken w/about them have found them to reduce the ability to enjoy the things in life that make it worth living.

Getting fired could provide a healthy change of lifestyle. A big component of GAD is lack of coping mechanisms. Each & every stressor through each & every day adds up until you just fucking freak out. Simplifying your lifestyle is one form of behavior modification that can lead you to a more relaxed mental state … as long as you’re not completely fucked w/out the job. Unemployment is win.

People use homo terms relating to alternative medicine. I’ll just tell you that from the time you wake up ’til you ready yourself for sleep you ought to adapt a regime that keeps you grounded. If you let pressures from the outside world get to you it’s going to add up with your own internal dialogue & drive you nuts.

Find something to focus on throughout the day that will remind you that you’re doing a damn good job living life. No person place or thing should ride your ass & convince you otherwise. Pursue a regime that will help reinforce a positive sense of self & you’ll be on your way to instating a routine that will benefit you.

Drugs don’t fix bad habits.
updates:

Got an RX to xanax .5s, they help out a shitload…I’ve had three attacks since, none were bad thanks to the meds…

I’m also quitting smoking marijuana for a few weeks to see if it has any positive change (doc’s idea)

have an appt with a psych scheduled for a week from friday

Yay! Good job man.

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