I hate feeling somewhat like a nut case when it comes to this crap, but I cant seem to shake away some feelings leftover from my first love, no matter how hard I seem to try.

Basically, what this dream is, of me driving at night someplace, but it’s me and a passenger. Its a women, who’s face I never see. The only visual thing I can clearly remember, is that it’s an average looking female, wearing all red.

Throughout the car ride, she is challenging me and questioning my actions and judging my first and only relationship. It was constant, I constantly answered and then it would be something else, "why did you do this, how come you did that!?" in a scolding manner. Towards the end of this "dream," I somehow end up sitting somewhere (no longer in the car), the whole area I am in is just black, pitch black, with what appears to be a single spotlight pointing towards me, where I can only see the women standing near me.

Pause here for a second, before I finish it up. For that past few months, Ive built my own "wall" if you will, a sort of "better then you" type ego when it comes to women. I cant really describe it. I feel it’s my only defense to keep myself from getting attached to anyone person I guess, to protect myself from getting hurt, I dont know.

Going back to the dream. It usually just ended with her asking "why did you love her?", in a more compassionate tone, and that was it. I never answered, well, until last night. I answered, "because she gave me something that I have never truely had in my life; comfort, compassion and the understanding of real love towards me." I know this is getting cheesy as fuck, but this is what really shook me up.

Almost instantly after saying this, she appears next to me, dosnt say a thing, and just presses my head into her chest and just holds me in manner that was meant to "comfort." Yea, seems kind of stupid, right? Well, the thing that made me feel shaken up, is that I felt it, emotionally. I have never felt so vulnarable before by anything since my ex. I haven’t felt this way since then. It was a taste of it. Its hard for me to explain, but if you can comprehend what I am trying to say, then I hope you understand, cause I’m having a hard time myself right now.

I woke up, and the feeling was, and still is, fresh in my mind. So much so, that I actually almost broke down. All day, Ive just been not myself. If I had to make some sort of sense of it, my best guess is that it is really a reminder of what I really need or want in my life; the feeling of comfort and security.

Ultimatly, I feel confused and wayward right now about this seemingly insignificant dream. Never in my life have I had this kind of effect from a dream.

Bah, I dont know what else to say about this. Consider me crazy if you want
Have you ever talked to anyone about your ex? Have you ever sat down and had a deep conversation with one of your friends? your parents? or your relatives?

It seems like you’ve been bottling up a lot of emotions from a relationship that you deemed extremely important to you, but you have not let go of. Do you have problems sharing your emotions with other people? Is your relationship with your mother weak or fragile, or non-existent?

To be honest, sitting here and listening to what you had to say, I could almost conclude that you never really felt close to anyone before. And this girlfriend helped you break that and be close, but it ended up in rejection.

We all get rejected: it’s part of the relationship. I just had a break-up with my last girlfriend, and I was basically told she never really liked me. So, six months of nothing. But ya know what? I understand that, and I know it’s time for me to move on and keep on going. You can’t dread about the past forever. You need to start looking to the future.

And don’t worry, you are NOT crazy.
Still think you need to look into the free therapy at your school.

In all honesty, yes, she was really the only person Ive ever been close to. I love my family as I feel I should, but I am not close to them as other people may be with their families. To make it easier to understand, I feel my ex knows me better then my actual family does.

Ive tried to talk to someone else, but it just dosnt work or "feel" right. If you knew me in person or me my whole life, I always keep my emotions and deep feelings to myself, unless angry towards something, I never physically show any of these emotions. I just cant, but it was only her that was actually able to get me to actually open up about anything. However, it wasnt enough for her, she felt I was always holding back, when in reality, I just dont know how, making her feel as if I was pushing her away.

I honestly do not want to have these left over feelings anymore. Ive been masking them with a false ego, and its the only way I know how to keep them from getting to me. I dont feel the "pain" from it, but I certainly remember how it did feel at some point, and what happened in my dream really echoes what I really yearn for.

Ive always been the "loner’ type, small group of friends, thats it, really. Never really followed the crowd, but I’m not a rebel type either. I just do my own thing and always have been.

I dont like having to talk about my ex, but these subconcious feelings and emotions are remnents from her, and I feel forced to be reminded of that

I would have been but I havent had anything like this affect me since then. I think I’ll be fine now. Just a wake up call, I guess

You’re not fine. Therapy will help you continuiously work and vent your feelings. You think you’ll be fine now but you’ll continue to have these depression bouts. Stop being afraid of therapy, you need to open up to people. You said yourself that you’ve always had a hard time with it.
If you don’t have a friend that is willing to sit down and talk with you, I would definitely suggest checking out your school to talk to some kind of psychologist about what you’re going through. There is nothing to be ashamed about.

What you need to do is you need to find someone you’re able to sit down with, and explain your deepest, darkest secrets, and be able to trust them enough not to tell anyone. It’s hard to find someone like this, but when you do, you will never be able to thank them enough.
Well luckely this is one of the more easier to explain.

To those who hurt us: we close ourselves.
To those who love us: we open ourselves.

Love is a let go in which we expose ourselves in a volunerable way. 9/10 that your dream was not an instance but a spiritual induced one, by an entity who wants to know why you ‘solemnly expose yourself only to an ‘exlusive’ person’. The reason is because you are a ‘reserved’ person, which you basically described as being a ‘loner’. Which isn’t ‘really true’, you are simply a person who doesn’t want to go out in the field and ‘get hurt’ as a result you’ve build this barrier around you, and only those who are not only compatible with your personality but also who are not out with an intent to hurt you can enter your life.

These people would be the people that have been good for you , but these people also get a special place in your life like your mother and father, that wouldn’t be so much out of the ordinairy , but for a person like you these people almost have like ‘shrines’ in your heart. So a little bit more about the woman in your dream.

Faceless spirits are that because they are covered by negative experiences, not necessarily because they are negative entities themselves.

A core principal in the spirit world is that you have to love everyone in an equal manner. Your incredible exclusive and almost nitpicking preferences into whom you love have sparked this spirit into asking you a ton of questions on why and where this exclusive behaviour of yours comes from. It basically stems from ‘self protection’ and because your world is so ‘tiny’.

So there’s basically 3 important things you need to learn.

You need to be like a castle gate closing yourself to bad people/things/events, and open yourself up to good people/things/events, if you let the enemy into your castle they will only end up destroying it(even if its family), and leaving you crying over the ruins.From there you can keep on crying, or rebuild your life, i advice you to rebuild your life.

The only thing you learn from being introvert is that you need to be extravert,living a life as a hermit is wrong because Introvertism is a path towards lonelyness, at one point the lonelyness would become so bad you would be screaming for company anyway, so you want to steer away from leading a lifestyle like that.

Expand your world: You’re missing out A LOT in life, if you don’t put yourself out there in the field, although it is true that you won’t receive love by hugging thornbushes, life is more like going thru a minefield, where you try not to get blown up by bad experiences and try to reach the finish line.

The meaning of life is love everyone and everything. Although it is good to be exclusively ‘the one’ for your special loved one, and stay 100% loyal to that loved one, try to expand your ‘general love’ towards more people and more positive constructive things. The life of an introvert loner is particular in that it is a lifestyle that is lead in order to shield and protect themselves from hurt from the ‘outside world’. But reality is that you can’t live in a box forever, you’re just stopping your own physical and even more important spiritual progress. I urge to stop the loner lifestyle, not because its anything against you, but because you can’t grow with a ‘living inside of a box’ lifestyle.

Thanks

Just got alot more going on then I really thought.

As for seeing a therapist, Im not sure yet. Its not because I’m afraid, but I dont think I can or will be able to automatically open up to him/her. Ive realized I can only speak so much, and then keep the deeper stuff to myself.

As for what you say about "expanding your love" to everyone….I havent said anything about this yet, but I feel its more relevent then anything else to say it.

Lately, Ive been having a weird feeling to find another girl, for more the reasons of what this topic is about. Not only am I seeking this form of "comfort," but I have a yearning to be able to just be a sort of "protector" or a sort of "hero" to a girl. I cant describe as to why, I just do feel that way. Saying this aloud only sounds kinda of cheesy and stupid. I guess for a lack of better word to describe this, I want to be a "chivalrous" man (I feel that word is overused for somereason..)

But thats how Ive honestly felt this past month, really. I guess Ive just been watching too many animes lately which show this type of person, but who knows.

As for the dating thing, Im not going to try anymore. Im just going to live and see if my fate allows another love in my life.

I say go to a therapist man, its helping me…I’ve been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist… the psychiatrist in 20 minutes figured out I was bi-polar and explained moments I’ve had in my life with great clarity…the therapist is helping me with codependency and my self image. I’m finally starting to realize my ex is crazy, and i’m not the bad person she made me out to be…and that I miss the love, not her…anyway get help man, it will make you better off..now if I can just stop thinking about it all the time..

Gray

Aww, I’m so glad you are going and are having good results
The big question here is: How is your relationship with your mother?

you talking about me or the op?

actually my mom died 2 years ago…never really got to deal with it either, I guess one of these days I will…after I get thru dealing with the loss of my first love..and many other things..

Gray
I honestly dont know how to respond.

My relationship with my mother is alright I guess. We aren’t close, but we aren’t too distant from each other. I just never have been the "family type." If you want me to expand on it, I guess the only thing that my parents clearly have done, has always placed me "2nd" to my brother. Perhaps, you can say my lack of closeness with my family is because of this reason alone.
I guess I have another possible reason for this kind of "experience" that may have be initiated it. I didnt want to say this before, but its that I know for a fact that I will have to see my ex again in person.

For those who dont know, I was in an LDR, in which she left me shortly after visiting her. I’ll spare the details, but later found out she cheated on me the week prior.

Its really been bugging me, I guess it’s really because the last thing she said to me in person, when I was leaving to go home, was "I’ll be waiting here for you." Ive been thinking about this alot lately because Ive started realize that I will have to deal with her in person again.

The reason for this, is because we met in an orchestra, to which both of us have strong relations to. We’ve been asked to even staff trips and the like when we are around. I know that I’ll be attending a few concerts and the end of the year banquets, etc. One thing I am pretty sure about, is that my mother is still talking to my ex’s mom, because both are volunteering to help the orchestra’s organizational stuff.

Its hard because I know the director’s and head staff dont really know about the break up. We were in a way considered the "model" couple with them there, aside from my former, and extremly sexist female brass band director. Another thing thats going to hurt is that I made a good friend. He is only in the 6th grade, but incredibly mature, you would think he was in his mid teens. He always looked up to me and her while there. From what Ive heard, he dosnt have many friends in and out of school, so he really took a liking to us. Several times, he and his family tried to have us vacation with them at their place in the Key’s. I know he’ll be able to understand when I see him again, but its not going to be easy telling him that we are no longer together.

So, its not a matter of "if," just "when." I guess I’m just doing this to myself

Honesty, in a way, yes. Its not because I necessarily dont want to, I have more things I have to worry about, then this. This seems to only come about while Im completly alone and able to just think to myself. Its just not as big of a problem in my life right now in comparison to my responsibilities

Granted, Im able to talk about this here, but in reality, Im not sitting here going mad. If it gets to that point (which I doubt it will) then I’ll make an effort to get my sorry ass to one. My primary reasons right now are:
-Financial
-School
-Time

Another thing is that I dont want to have to explain to ANYONE why Im seeing a therapist…

Then you never would I’m in the process of finding a new therapist. I’m not sitting here going crazy or depressed ripping my hair out, I just love that I can go once a week to talk about the issues deep down that I see really effect my actions and decisions with a completely unbiased, unjudging person
You’re still scared

If you are in college, most colleges have therapists on campus, for free, to the students. As well, they work around your schedule: if you have a lot to do one week, they can push it back to another week.

And you don’t have to explain to anyone why you are seeing someone: it’s hard to get through problems on your own. It’s not as bad as it seems.

But i’m not trying to pressure you into it. If you don’t want to do it, don’t let us tell you what you need to do. You know you better than we do and it’s up to you to figure out how you want to solve this.

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Okay, so two months ago my SO broke off a two year relationship. Basically because she doesn’t want to be tied to one person, she wanted to do whatever without having to worry about me.

It was very sudden, odd and on the phone, things were going fucking amazing up until that point. She normally didn’t get along with my friends and right before she broke up with me, it was my birthday. She got along very well on my birthday with my friends, maybe that was a sign.

So I told her I would get over her much more easily if we had NO conversation for like two months and then we could get together for dinner and figure out what the fuck went wrong so I could have closure.

During those two months she kept contacting me and every single time I kept reminding her that, "it’s more painful for me this way" or I just wouldn’t respond to the texts or pick up the call.

I even deleted her off facebook so if she went into a relationship I wouldn’t have to see the "is in a relationship with" update thing. I just really wanted to get over her and move on.

During those two months, school first took a bit of a dip and then got better like it hasn’t been in the two years that I was dating her. I "found" myself again, I started writing again and I started reading again. I really felt like myself again, I started having a lot of friends, like I used to….etc.

Life was going fucking amazing. I wasn’t that happy since before I met her. I realized that no matter what, I can’t get myself in a stupid fucking relationship like that again.

So, a week and a half ago, I met this girl, a friend of a friend, (btw, I’m 20, my ex is 18, and this new girl is 21) and we were at a club so I couldn’t really talk to her, but I ended up dancing with her and shit like that. She was with somebody (I later find out it’s her "fuck buddy", they were never really in a relationship, just messed around and made out…etc.), so I kept my distance, although with alcohol I did end up kind of grinding against her. I’m never that bold.

So, a few days after that we end up at the mutual friends house with a bunch of other friends playing video games (GTA4 ftw) and about two hours in, we go off to the other room and end up talking for a good 4-5 hours, and then we end up crashing at the friends house in the same room and during the night have sporadic conversation when we’re both awake. In the morning I drive her home, some more conversation. We really click, we’ve been through similar shit, we’ve got very compatible personalities.

So, on the car ride I invite her to my cousins birthday party that’s going to be at my house, tell her it’s going to be small, and whatever, mostly video games.

So I pick her up the day for the party, and we all go see Iron Man first and later on we go to dinner, me being the fucking FOOL that I am, I drink a LOT at dinner, (Canada, legal drinking age 18!) we order two pitchers, and I’m the only one who really drinks beer. And I’m cheap, so the other two people who are drinking beer drink next to nothing, while I finish the rest and end up getting pretty drunk.

Go back to my house, we’re all just chillin, doing whatever, games, you know. I continue my drinking, because I’m a fucking retard. She gets tired and goes to sleep in my bed, I can’t remember how it happened, but she somehow said I could sleep in the same bed as her. I’m like "hahaha", walk out of room, sit down go "what the fuck?" I’m a really conservative guy, I’ve only ever had 1 girlfriend, 1 kiss, 1 EVERYTHING, with the previous girl. I’m hammered by this point and sometime later on, I go to the bed and sleep beside her.

She tells me she likes me, I can’t respond for a good 20 seconds because the words won’t come out right, and I tell her I like her too. I give her a hug. We end up groping… And although NOTHING happens, we do end up kind of making out and doing the whole dry humping, rubbing shit. Completely removing any innocence out of the word "hug". She’s completely sober and tells me about her "fuck buddy". I of course, keep making out because I’m not thinking rationally.

She’s a virgin (I don’t care) and by "fuck buddy" she means like making out, fooling around, I don’t care or know what.

So in the morning, I’m sober, but we still kind of fool around and then we sit and talk for like 3-4 hours. She says shes confused, doesn’t know what she wants to do…etc. She has trust issues with males because of her father….etc. Completely understandable. I tell her, I want a relationship, and I only do serious relationships. To me relationships aren’t about sex, it’s about companionship. (I’m totally not a man, I know)

So I’m like, whatever, I’ll be her friend, back off a bit until she figures things out.

Next day, the ex texts me, saying that she REALLY needs to talk. I’m like, okay whatever, I call her. She says that the next day is the exact two months and I said we’d have dinner. I tell her, that I realized that she was bad for me and I don’t want anything to do with her. Before that she doesn’t say it outright but from the way she said it "I broke up with you so you could find yourself, and now you have–"…etc. I figured she wanted to get back together with me, I’m like FUCK THAT. And end up being a dick and she gives me the voice-quiver / repressed cry voice towards the end and when we say goodbye. My friend who knows her well and she got along with the most says that she most likely wanted to get back together with me.

Whatever, I wouldn’t get back together with her anyway.

Next day I go to the new girls place, again reinforcement that she’s confused. I get along with her family VERY well (which is important to her). And then right before I’m about to leave, we have some conversation, and she tells me how she’s going on a date with some girl (how she maybe thinks she’s gay), reinforces that she doesn’t want to be bound.

Today, she texts me, we text back and forth. And then she finally texts me saying: "hahaha i just wanna make out with u n then talk to [you] about life while drinking chai n then go home n know i am still a free woman n i can do that again. Hahaha"

I wouldn’t mind if she got bored of me, and the relationship broke off, it’d be a learning experience, it’d be fun, whatever. But as long as it’s a relationship, I don’t want a friend with benefits.

And before that she was like "we could have raunchy sex and my mom wouldn’t mind, she loves you" type thing. So, I’m pretty sure I could have sex with her, and it’d be a notch in my belt type thing. But I’m not like that. FUCK!

BITCHES BE CRAZY.

So… I haven’t responded to her, I’m tempted to just let go and just screw around with her, but my rational self is like… no fuck that. So… guys, what do you think? I’m young, I should let loose and fuck around? Or what.

Cliffs
-> Viz_Ru is not a Man, but a giant Vagina. Also a drunken retard.
-> Bitches be crazy.
dude don’t meet girls at a club, a lot of them are some crazy ho’z
that is an insane story. i don’t even know where to begin. to be honest, sounds like the beginning of a shitstorm. i would be careful.
Here is all that has to be said from that mess:

1. Stop talking to your ex. You were finally moving in a positive direction without her in your life. She only wants you back because no one better has come into her life and she misses the attention from you now that it is gone. She’s not in love with you; she’s just 18, stupid, and needs validation from you. Continue to NOT talk to her or answer any of her calls and texts.

2. New girl has a lot of issues, probably too many issues than someone of your limited relationship experience can handle. You should most likely let her go. She’s not ready for a relationship with you (which is what you want) and she has trust issues with men to the point where she’s convincing herself she is bi. More importantly she keeps flat out telling you she’s not ready for a commitment, so move on!

3. You keep saying you are against having a casual sexual relationship but then you contradict yourself saying you’d be "fine" if she basically just used you for a relationship that would obviously be sexual. In other words you would basically force her (and moreso yourself) into thinking you were in a relationship so you didn’t feel guilty when you and her got it on. You are trying to convince yourself just because a new girl is in your life and you’re not used to being single. Stay single. Experience being 20 years old with no ties. You have many years to try and settle down.

I lurk on this forum a lot, b/c of the break up, and consistently you give amazing advice.

Thanks a lot. <3. Better advice than most of my friends. ("Bang her and move on!")

I talked to my sister and realized a few things, of my limited experience with the opposite sex, (about six months before my ex, I just started figuring out how to actually be sociable and make myself look good) all the people I’ve interacted with have in some way or another insinuated they just want me for sex.

When me and the SO broke up the first time (1 year ago, for about 1 month, I was VERY distraught and got back together with her, first break up, didn’t know how to deal with it), I still talked to her, and we ended up having sex, or me eating her out or whatever and afterwards I’d feel very used and be an emo bitch.

Or randomly some fucking chick would come up to me and insinuate that they wanted to suck me off or something. (Happened twice, once at the place I worked)

Now this.

Am I doing something wrong? I’m going to take your advice and stay single, because lol, mentally my options looked to me like:

a) Mess around with Girl 2.
b) Tell girl 2, no. And look for serious relationship.

Just staying single sounds better than both of those.

But just out of curiosity, wtf is wrong with me. I should have been born a horn dog.

Btw thanks for the advice/comments so far.

Thanks I also give better advice than your friends because:
1. I’m more experienced most likely
2. I’m not thinking with a penis

Most guys think the best way to get over someone or to move on is to fuck everything that moves, but from all that I’ve learned the most important time in your life to learn who you are and what you want is from age 18-25. A lot of people, like yourself, get into LTR in highschool that carry on into college. Once they break up they are lost. They’ve been Jack & Jane for so long they never learned who the fuck they are! The problem is instead of them taking the time to have fun and enjoy being single (which can be amazing) they don’t know any better than being in a relationship so they jump right back into one and usually it’s with someone they aren’t even compatible with. In your case you’re not compatible with this new girl. Yes, you’ve chatted for a few hours and have some things in common, but you are both very different in what you want and that will most likely never change, especially not any time soon (nor should you change in the first place). You have been making such great progress after your ex and you even recognize that!

You’re not doing anything wrong. Just because you have standards and don’t want to have casual sexual flings does not make you "weird" or "not a man" or even "stupid." Everyone has standards and one day you will meet a girl who doesn’t just want you for sex and she will be blown away that you have such high standards. It will make her feel special and that is rare.

Stay single hun. Have fun! College is such an amazing time. Most people will tell you they wished they has been single throughout college because you get to do what you want and learn about yourself. Also, you might want to consider casual dating. This doesn’t mean you have to sleep with anyone, but just going out on dates will help you learn how to talk to women.

Stop talking to Girl 2 and your ex, you’ll be much better off.
You seem to think that the only 2 options are either fuckbuddies or serious relationship and that’s not how it works. You can date this girl, fool around, do all the couple shit but still be free to date other people too. There’s nothing wrong with casually dating someone and it’s not a slutty thing to do. You don’t have to commit to every single girl that you have a mutual attraction to. It’s much better to date around while you’re young and get to know lots of different women and find out what you really want in a relationship.

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