So my girlfriend of 2 years is in Japan. She’s going there for school and she’ll be back in like late July (she left in the beginning of Sept.).

Absolutely everything was going fine until about two weeks ago. Now I completely trust her, and she’s not the type to cheat on me, and I’m not the type to cheat on her. But she’s met someone from our city (from Edmonton in Canada) in Japan, and he’s on an exchange too, he’s about 3 years older than her.

Now, I didn’t get a chance to talk to her all weekend, and I talked to her last night. She spent the entire weekend with this douchebag, drinking whatever, I wasn’t really paying attention to what she told me they did, just the fact that it was just her and him. So to "reassure" me that she wouldn’t cheat on me she fucking tells me about how he has a girlfriend in our city and how he’s been dating her for two years, whatever, great. Puts my mind to rest, but then she tells me that he’s in an open relationship with her. She says how he’s after some random chick in Japan anyway and how he wouldn’t go for her.

So now I’ve spent the whole day fucking pissed out of my mind, I’m so fucking angry, I wish I could get to this guy and rip his fucking gonads out through his fucking mouth.

I’ve said absolutely nothing to her, last night after I found this out, I became distant slightly and just kind of brushed it off as not having enough sleep.

1) I trust her, and thinking rationally she wouldn’t cheat on me…. I hope.
2) I don’t want to say anything so that she breaks off this friendship with this guy because she doesn’t have many friends in Japan. Her japanese not being that great and all.

But, I don’t know what to do, when I became distant she’s like "Don’t be jealous" and continued to talk about this guy.

I’m not sure if it’s me but she fucking talked about how we’re SOO similar, and how I’d get along with him.

I don’t want to be fucking angry and jealous but I can’t fucking help it and it undoubtedly effects my conversations with her.
All I am going to say, is be as informed as possible, but dont push her on it, cause that’ll just "push her" away.

Also, based on my first, and last LDR, I thought the same exact thing about cheating. My ex was the last person ANYONE thought would, and she did. I hate to sound like a downer, but the truth to reality hurts more then thinking otherwise.
Get passport
Buy ticket to Japan
Buy souvenir Jap short sword
Pay lover boy a visit
????
Profit
I’d like to mention that you should never be pissed off with the guy (unless he was harassing her or something), it’s your girlfriend’s job to tell him to back off, not his to stay away.

Another thing I’d like to mention is that you put yourself in a really bad situation by accepting this long distance thing. Out of curiosity, how long have you been together? and how old are you?
Shitty situation. I understand your frustration, I’ve been in similar shoes. You say you trust your girlfriend but I’m not so sure you do. I think you’re smart enough to know not to trust anyone fully. At the same time, you know nothing is as unattractive as insecurity so you haven’t said anything to her yet.

The way I see it, you can either…
A) talk to her and let her know how you feel.. and risk throwing the relationship out the window because of lack of trust
B) ignore it.. and let it secretly eat you up inside
C) play the jealousy game… start writing girls on facebook and have them reply back, etc.

I like this idea. It’s full of win and anger – satisfaction.

I am 20 years old and we’ve been together for 2 years, it’ll be 3 years by the time she comes back.

Anyway I talked to her about it because bottling up my anger is not an option and I think that whole jealousy thing is really unhealthy.

Also she successfully reassured me for the time being, and as it turns out that guy’s girlfriend over here is fucking pissed off. (So much for open relationship.)

But, I don’t know, I think my anger was natural, considering I care about her and all…

Sigh, I fucking hate LDR, and all the shit in entails, but I still want to be with her when she comes back.
without trust, a LDR is going to be fucking miserable. you have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no way she’s going to cheat on you no matter what happens. you have to be able to say to yourself "lol, this douchebag totally wants to bang her but sucks for him, she’s with me." if you can’t trust her that much then i can’t see the relationship being successful.

i was in a LDR with my bf for a year (we live together now), and the thought of him cheating never even crossed my mind. it’s a nice feeling when you don’t have to think about that stuff at all.
I love how he is a douchebag when you know nothing about him. Just because he happens to exist there with your gf doesn’t mean you need to hate him. She is the one either inviting or accepting invitations to go out with him.

The problem is that instead of being happy that your gf is no longer lonely in a new country you are being selfish just because he is of the opposite sex. Do you even know what this dude looks like? What is he is a complete troll and your gf just needs a friend?

Like eveyone else said, LDR’s are hard, and they’re even harder when you don’t trust your SO. If this is the kind of thing that is going to rip your insides out you’re better off ending it so you don’t have to think about it. Because at the rate you are going your phonecalls to your gf are only going to get more vicious on your end. In other words, if you don’t cut the anger and jealousy issues she’s going to become less attracted to you and be more likely to look elsewhere, even if just for a moment.

from everything you typed, no you don’t.

my advice, tell her very matter-of-factly, "hey, I know I shouldn’t, but I feel kind of threatened by him being there and me not." it’ll start a conversation that should be healthy for both of you.

or she’ll just stop telling you about him but continue to hang with him and it’ll drive you even more nuts. take your pick.
1. if you are going to be mad at anyone in the situation, it should be your gf, not this other dude. yes, it would be dick of him to hook up with her knowing she is with you, but he would not be the one cheating on you, she would.

2. she is alone in a new country half a world away from home, doesnt know the language that well and has no friends. OF COURSE he is going to be the one and only person she talks about if he is the one and only person she knows. you are just pissed because he turned out to be a male. and just because he is male does not mean she will cheat.

try being honest with her, telling her how its hard to hear about another guy getting to spend all this time with her when you miss her so much and wish you could be there with her instead. i’m betting she will feel the same way. then be realistic. if you cause problems, she will have more of a reason to want to stray, or even break up with you.

and have you planned to go see her while she is there? seems like it would be an awesome opportunity to see a new part of the world with your gf as the tour guide, and a nice chance to see her before july.

Yup, I suck. Well thinking about it rationally she’s done NOTHING to make me think she’ll ever cheat on me. But I guess I’m so insecure that I think she’ll cheat on me anyway.

But yeah I just had a good long conversation with her about how I feel, I made sure I was calm and not angry while talking to her. And I’m going to try to be as cool about this (so tempted to insert insults here) guy, so she’ll tell me about him and I’m in the loop.

@Kiri
Yeah, I really really want to be able to do that, and I’m usually pretty good about trust. Just the fact that she’s spending a lot of time with this guy and how he has an "open" relationship with his girlfriend. Just makes me think the worst of him and makes me think he’ll somehow try something. Again… my insecurities ftl.

@iwishyouwerebeer
Well, I saw his picture in one of her albums she put up on facebook, and he is pretty good looking. That aside, considering what she’s told me of his interests, we WOULD get along, but I am selfish and this horse shit is my fault. Is it bad that I always need some kind of reassurance from my g/f? I seem to always look for it… Failsauce. Anyway, I’m going to fucking cut the bullshit because I really care about her… >< And I haven’t done too much damage, just been kind of distant.

@vodkacollins
Yeah I told her how it’s hard, but I’m going to make sure to tell her to still keep me in the loop. Also I am going to visit, but because of school and money, I’ll be visiting the last month she’s there.

Thanks a lot for the advice guys…. It really did help and now to just deal with my own insecurities, which will probably fix all the anger and jealousy bullshit.

I didn’t say you suck. says it all…….

IMO It’s better to know when she goes out with him so I’d say you’re making the right choice. But then again, if you trust her you could ask her not to tell you about anything she does with him and then you’d not have a reason to get jealous *and* (since you trust her) you’d know she’s not banging the guy so in theory you could sleep easier (in theory).
Alright some updates.

So I talked to her about this a bit and then after reading your responses here. I realized that I was doing more damage then good, so instead I opted to be as fun as possible and try to enjoy our conversatinons/time. Everything started to get back to normal, I felt secure and didn’t give a shit about this guy.

I know my girlfriend goes through these phases where she doesn’t know about our relationship, has doubts…etc. (I think that’s normal, especially considering how I’ve been acting recently…) Anyway she hasn’t said she loved me in a long time (~3 weeks), and it’s normal for us to just be like "I love you, good night" or whatever. So thinking I’m on a roll, everything’s good, I decide to ask her about it, she brushes it off as not being able to say I love you to a computer (we use skype ><). Conversation continues, I’m trying to be as cool about it as possible and just keep it as a healthy conversation… (I honestly don’t even know what’s healthy in a relationship anymore after talking to a friend about this conversation.)

So after a while she tells me that she doesn’t love me anymore but she still wants to stay together because apparently she’s gone through these phases before during our two years and that it’s "normal" for her. (The other times I knew something was wrong and pressed her about it, she’d brush it off and after a while it’d go away everything would be back to normal, so this explained it.) I was naturally upset that the reason for some of our problems before was because of this. I called up a friend and asked her about this.

She told me straight up that I invest way too much in the relationship emotionally and make her my life. That I stop doing a lot of things that I normally do when I date her.

Digression/Back-story:
She broke up with me in march and we were apart about ~3 months, at which point she calls me up and asks to hang out/talk. I have a choice between her and another crazy girl (like emotional issues that would make even my insecurities seem trivial), to pursue and came to this forum for help, of course… iwishyouwerebeer gives me the good advice of not going for either and just cutting them out of my life. I follow that advice for a good two weeks, at which point my girlfriends parents need some help with something (there really cool people, her step dad is the dean at the university… which is IMHO the coolest job ever) I go to help and end up talking to her for a bit… we end up getting back together… which looking at it now was a mistake.

Anyway, during those 3 months away from her, I started reading again, playing games hardcore again…etc.. I got back in touch with friends who I hadn’t talked to in forever… I never really thought about how much she affected me until my friend told me. (Love is blind??) Also I give her whatever she wants, she says jump, I say how high. I’m a sick jealous fucking dog.

So I think that the reason why she doesn’t love me is that… I’m a bitch and don’t give her a challenge. Really the only thing that I do that she doesn’t like is be jealous.

I’m not sure if the relationship is salvagable but considering all the damage done, I just want to learn from this and move on… I’ve never broken up with someone, but I’m not sure if I want to… My friend says do it, but if I’m too scared / lack the gonadal fortitude, I should just phase her out of my life slowly, and once were pretty distant just break it off. This would be easy because it’s long distance and I can just talk to her less and less.

But what I really want is for this shit not to happen again… so for now, I want to try to be that challenge so even if it falls apart hopefully I learn something. It might seem trivial to you, but I can’t even seem to make friends anymore, I get bored of them so easily.

**All of this… just to ask, what the hell IS a healthy relationship? What does it look like, fuck, as a guy if I have a problem with something, should I be saying it straight up? Or does that make me look too weak and insecure and thusly unattractive. I know this may seem trivial, but how the fuck do I get my balls back in a relationship, or in future relationships how do I keep them? I think if I address that I won’t be so jealous anymore. How much time do you spend with your SO..etc. What is unhealthy!?

Sorry for length…. and answers much appreciated…

Cliffs: Last paragraph is the important one **

Thanks
A good relationship is about being together, but allowing eachother to be able to do their own thing. So instead of becoming a victim of the paranoid, show that you have a life of your own to live. But here is my take on your relationship.

She left you to rot and die where your currently residing, think about it she leaves you for like 9 months, surely the person who loves you wouldn’t want to be away from you for 9 months right? So even if it was for college reasons, its an unacceptable occurance in the relationship and worst of all , she says she doesn’t love you, this is only strenghtened by the fact that she is trying to see other guys. You have been to possesive of her, and you have to learn that you can only love someone , not take her hostage and imprison her. And you are overly jealous, so in my take on this you have chased her away with possesiveness,jealousy and clinging on to her. Let it be known that a girl doesn’t go with a guy so the guy can be dependant on her, she wants to be able to depend on you. So here’s my advice:

The only way to undo a wrong step you made in life that lead to you making a mistake is to take two steps backwards, and make the right step from there into a good choice. Break off the relationship, re-evaluate your life, and instead of limiting your life to two girls, start exploring your oppertunities and start building your life into a good direction.
I didn’t have to read that whole thing. I read until she said she wasn’t in love with you and stopped because there’s nothing else that needs to be said.

You need to end it. Use this year she is gone to get over her. You’re not meant to be

Edit: Bleh, just went back and read it all and got anry because I remember you now from a few months back. If I had remembered you from the start or you mentioned these past issues I think the advice in here would be a lot different.

Look, I know it’s not what you want to hear but your relationship is not healthy. It wasn’t healthy months ago. It’s not healthy to fall out of love with your SO a few times during a relationship. I’ve been with my bf for over 2 years and there was never ever a time that I fell out of love with him. It’s called not actually being in love. Sure, maybe you aren’t a challenge for her and that takes away from her attraction to you, but at the end of the day if she truly loves you that doesn’t matter. She’s not keeping you around because she thinks she’ll fall in love with you "again" She’s not dumping you because she loves the constant attention she gets from you. She knows that especially right now while she’s on another continent alone that if she needs someone to talk to you’ll drop everything for her just to chat.

She possibly will cheat on you, now that I know more of the real situation I wouldn’t put it past her at all.

I think you are best off dumping her and using this humongous distance to your advantage…Not having to see or hear from her for a year will help you immensely.
dude, whether she cheats or not is up to her, nothing you can do or say will change that

if she does, you’ll know right away and you can break up with her

see? there are two possible outcomes, one over which you have no control so there’s no point in getting mad, and for the second you know the outcome absolutely, so there’s no need to worry

if you’re worried then it’s a product of you being either insecure that she would leave you to be with a douche, or that she might actually be a cheating whore. in the first case, suck it up, in the latter, maybe you shouldn’t be with such a person

well, for starters, a healthy relationship does not include falling out of love with someone and staying anyway, especially multiple times. nor does it include not saying "i love you" to the person you are with if it is a normal thing to do, and her excuse that she doesnt want to say it to a computer is bullshit. if skype if your main way for communication at the moment, then skype should be the main place you read "i love you" from each other.

as for healthy amount of time spent with an SO…it all depends. my SO and i live together and we carpool to work, so we spend a lot of time together. that doesnt mean that we dont each have our "me" time as well. so if your "me" time is non-existant, then thats unhealthy.

you need to just end it with her now. she is far away where you wont have the chance to run into her at all, so this is the best and easiest time to posisbly do this. stop all communication with her, dont just slowly back off. step up to the plate and do something for yourself this time, not for her

Being able to communicate with someone and tell them how you are feeling and for them to care and understand and really take your feeling into consideration. The continued desire to share and compromise with your partner on any issue to reach a resolution when a disagreement arises. Someone that you continue to be intimate with(cuddling, kissing, sex, hugging one of those daily) and doing everyday nothing with them and finding enjoyment in it. That is my idea.

She cheated on you, straight up.

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I’m broke. Worst financial situation i’ve ever been in. I don’t get along with my mom for the most part but I live with her and my step dad while in school which, barring me finding a better job soon, means i’ll get done in Feb. of 09. I’m seeing a psychiatrist for the first time in my life on Tuesday.

As i’ve posted in here before, I have anger management issues, they are up and down. When im broke I hate my life, when I have money im happy. Even then I have a short fuse, i’ve gotten in more fights than I ever wanted to get into.

I feel like im depressed right now. Seems like nothing has an effect on me. Florida loses, whatever. My bank goes into negative this past weekend because I was lied to, I got pissed off for an hour and was back to whatever.

I’ve seen people on here talk about leaving the country or whatever to start over and I got to thinking about it. I know someone that lives in Canada and said I could come and live with them. Is a female. I just figured, if I have the chance, i’ll pack up, head to canada no matter how much people claim it sucks, an throw the peace sign to Atlanta and United States as a whole. New phone number, new country, new address, find new friends….start over. Right now i’m in a never ending battle working jobs I hate, being around people that lie to me non stop, friends I don’t actually think care. I just want to hit the re-start button. I’ve also SERIOUSLY considered suicide the past 2 weeks. I have plenty of drugs at my disposal.

So, OG is looking for advice. I think the most excited and happy I get right now, is when I think about leaving everyone and everything behind and starting over.

BTW, Im in school for massage therapy, as I was originally planning on going to college but im in such debt I figure that may be out of the question. I can make money rather quickly anywhere knowing what I know and have been trained so it’s not like it would take me long to make money no matter where I move IMHO.

I’d finish school first.

Secondly, will moving change your circumstances? I know your feeling, as I’ve felt this way before, back when my life was in shambles. The thing is, moving won’t fix anything for you, and can likely increase your problems.

You need to take an inventory of your life, figure out what’s missing, and take steps to address them.

One step at a time, ignore the rest which you can’t do anything about, and before you know it things will be better.

If you have major time sinks, such as WoW or whatnot, I highly recommend quitting them or at least suspending them until things are better.
Finish school and then move. Keep in mind that the things that plague you here probably will anywhere else (esp moving somewhere so similar to the US). But a change in scenery can help.
Nothing puts my mind back on track better than getting out of this place for a bit.

well its not like anything bogs me down.

I work four 10 hour shifts a week monday through thursday.

I have school at night from 7 to 10 tuesday to thursday and clinic 2 times a week on sunday in the afternoon.

Maybe 2….3 times a week I will stay at my best friends apartment 20 minutes from here because we go out on the weekends and he doesnt drive, but his brother usually pays for all the alcohol, gas, or entry fee for me being the most sober of the bunch. I enjoy dancing and doing that sort of thing but now that looks rather dead because the club that I have been going to for a year has changed their DJ around and the music and its just gotten bad. Not many good clubs in Atlanta and im not really a bar guy.

I play NCAA 2009 on XBox 360 maybe 2…3 days at the most…a week for 1,…MAYBE 2 hours a day.

So it’s not like im doing that a lot.

I’ve taken my own anger management "course" multiple times. Each time I feel like im making large improvements but something will eventually happen that sends me back like 3 years. Right now I feel about as hateful as I did 4 years ago when i was near my worst. The only real difference is I can control my temper for the most part, unless you really tick me off.

I’ve gone back and forth with myself for the last 2 years about if I want to stay in Atlanta or not. Don’t like the traffic, don’t like the amount of people moving here, don’t care for the weather and the lack of rain that forces water shortage laws to go in effect. We have the most ridiculous laws on gas/oil that has forced the city into a state of mayhem right now because of the shortages in the city.

Like I said, obviously my temper will follow me. But i’m a bluntly honest and straight forward person. There really isn’t a person I would bite my tongue around at any given time, which hurts me, but at the same time, I really don’t lie to people. But, I feel….or seem….to be a giant target for people to let off their utter bullshit to. I’m also a failure with women lately, 3 dates in a month, 3 failures. This was before my financial crisis this past weekend.

So I just feel as if a complete scenery and state change would do me better. Make new friends, start over. It’s hard to work on my anger management and temper right now because it seems like that is what everyone around my expects. If im being nice to people and im not being an asshole than people think something is wrong with me, I basically resort back to it all because its like thats what people expect out of me. I need new friends, people that expect me to be nice and NOT happy when im an asshole.

but since YOU are going then the problems YOU have are going to go with YOU.

running isn’t going to leave them behind.

fix yourself before you do anything else.

so what did the psych say?
shit i expected. it was actually a social worker, basically the same thing to me except she cant give the drugs i probably need.

she made a good point, dont latch onto the money and live my entire life around it. but its hard when you’re 3 weeks late on a car payment and its getting close to repo time, just lost a job, and dont have money for gas to go look for another job.

i think when i do find a job, ill be alright. hopefully. i need to make a fake server related resume tonight

and as far as me considering suicide last week, she had a interesting way of making me look at my life next time i think like that and her idea works….so far

good luck w/ everything

ill need it
I don’t know why but i have this strange feeling you should try living in France for a while. The people over there are enjoyers of life, although still hard work needs to be done to get your life in order there, i feel you might be a lot more happy in Europe. But anyway for your anger issues i would try the second thought thing. When your first thought is, ‘i wanna kill that person’, you stop. And then put a second thought ‘negativity leads to nowhere, so why should i get angry? Its useless’ , basically the point is that you push the foot in a conditioned way on the brakes in your brain every time you have an anger attack and turn the right cheek instead of getting into a fight, you’ll steer away from them, just walking away and don’t want to get involved. That’s a much better approuch then what you usually do, namely putting oil on the fire, making things rather more bad then good.

Suicide is not a way how you deal in a mature way with problems. Asking for help as you did now is a better and mature way, anti-depressants are only symptom supressors, and not problem solvers. You want to deal with the root causes of your problems, otherwhise they just keep coming back. Simular counts for going abroad, although it is indeed true that a different location can mean different better/worse oppertunities. You have to understand that your troubles travel along with you, the reason: Its how you approuch things in life that matters. A succesfull approuch is constituated in its behaviour. If i give a smack into the face of a police officer, im bound to get kicked to the ground and arrested. If i cooperate, i will face a better convo and walk away. So its just a silly example to emphasize how one action createds a reaction that is unsuccesful, and in the second one a reaction that is succesful.

Every action has consequenses, you have to make sure that you stay calm and reap positive consequenses for yourself always remember that.

Next is that you shouldn’t rely on people, what love will you think to receive from hugging thorn bushes? Especially when you are in a selfish enviroment, you’d better beware not to automatically accept everybody’s ideas, because big chances are that they are only out there to forfill their own lives, not to seldom at the cost of walking over other people’s dead bodies. Remember trust is something to be earned over time, don’t give it all automatically, let them work for it.
i dont give out trust easily. like i told the social worker, my problem is i have unrealistic expectations from everyone i meet. so im working on that.

the problem im running into now, is this. i already have someone to stay with in canada. room and all.

im in massage therapy school in georgia, i have until february when im planned to graduate.

the issue is these hours are not transferable. even in the province id be staying in, they dont have massage regulations to practice privately, but soon, from my research, they will have a nationwide certification that requires 2000 hours. my training will net me 750 hours. but right now, it doesnt matter. and in georgia you have to renew every so often and so forth and so on.

so a side of me says quit and head to canada now. which i cant do anyways because i dont have the money to even make the drive.

the logical side of me says to stick it out, finish the school (if i can, im so financially fucked i havent made a payment in 3 months). that way if this doesnt work out in canada and i head back to atlanta i have something to fall on. then of course, as im extremely analytical, the other side of me says if i succeed and everythin between us goes well in canada, all that time i spent here at the school and waiting is useless.

and until she told me i can stay with her, i could have moved to california and been happy. i guess i just have this mindset about 20 years of failure in georgia. when im on vacation, im happy. of course i am, its vacation. but its like, the minute i hit the georgia borderline heading back to atlanta, i get hateful again. i dont feel that way if im still in florida or tennessee, but once i hit georgia, angry. its like i know my life full of financial failure, bullshitting friends, etc…etc…is just waiting for me.

its why i want a new place to start over. start clean. talking to her, seems to me i will like canada. right now, my 2 emergency room visits are owning me. my credit is bad. im sick a lot because i cant afford to get extended surgery and shit done on my to fix my sinus problems. in canada, health insurance is dirt ass cheap. cost of living is cheap. right now, it fits what i need and ive never had a problem adapting to new places. like i told her, i can stay at a friends house, i never complain. too noisy? i dont care. too dirty, ill clean the bitch up . my ability to open up to people and make friends is actually a lot easier than you might expect considering some of the threads ive made on here, just right now, ive closed that off because i know i wont be around for much longer.

what do YOU do for your friends that they dont do for you? you always complain about how everyone is fake and shit but is it really them being fake or BSing you or is it your unreasonable expectations??

if you dont call ppl, go see them, talk with them…why would they do the same for you???

i consider us friends but i only hear from you when you need something….but that does not bother me…bc well im here and if u wanna hang out you will call… i invite you over every so often you chose not to come over…so i what to tell you man but moving is a temporary solution to a fucked up problem…

i think by seeing someone is a step in the right direction… good luck and if u wanna talk give me a call…

i call most of my friends when i want to hang out. not a big talker on the phone unless im drunk

like saturday

like with ATL crew, I hate driving some of the lengths i drive to hang out with people when all of ATL crew knows i have little money, but no one is willing to come to a meet ITP or closer to OUR area. Its always that kennessaw area. im willing to come to the next party you throw at your house regardless.

and honestly man, ive wanted to move out of atlanta for the past 4 years like REALLY badly. it goes back and forth, but in reality, i considered moving to florida with some OTers back 4 or so years ago before i was financially fucked.

seems to run in my family

my mom was born in connecticut, ditched it right when she graduated high school, dad left the north when he got done with college, my step dad headed south with no idea of where he was going when he graduated college in ohio.

they both feel like a scene chance is necassary. i havent talked to my dad about it yet because i dont want to talk to him abot it over the phone.

i know im not going to run from my anger issues, that shit will follow me around regardless until i target in on killing as much of it as i can. i realize that 100%. i just want a fresh start. i cant afford my own place here in atlanta. i can’t afford to split rent right now with anyone in atlanta. shit id struggle if i lived with 3 other people right now because of my debt building up.

of course, my debt will follow me, but at the same time, im not going to have to pitch in on rent for a few months up north until i get my feet settled. cost of living is cheaper. their gas is cheaper (for now). i have a better oppurtunity up north to turn my financial situation around as well as work on my attitude away from a city ive disliked being in for as long as i can remember, but BIG time disliked for the past 4 years.

I ask myself though, and im sure everyone does, outside of my family, who in the fuck would honestly miss me when i leave?

my friend ray and his brother, i hear from neither of them for weeks until one of us wants to go to hole in the wall and then ill get a phone call. ill call ray every other week but the convo is short lived as shit. 2 minutes max it seems unless football is on. so ive gone back on texting him only because we dont talk much outside of football and females.

all the people in the club that enjoy seeing my up on stage dancing, i know none of their names, they dont know mind. thats my fault, and theirs because neither of us have put the care into asking. so i dont cry over that, but it leads me back to wondering, if they never saw me again, would they realize i was gone?

i say no, a lot. but once again, i think a lot of it is because i have unrealistic expectations of other people that i NEED to work on. It just seems difficult when i live with people ive wanted to move away from for a year in a city i dont like living in.
.

NP man and i knew that what i said in the thread was kind of harsh but i was being honest with you just like i always have been with you.

no we’re not best friends but we are friends and if you need something or just want to chill i am here for you man.

i got love for ya you ornery bastard. as for this weekend i will know by the end of the day whether or not im going to Alabama for my dads 50th birthday to take him fishing. i will address the post in the asylum when i get to work and have time.

if i end up staying here this weekend ill watch the game with you amanda/ayden permitting.

I am going to post this in the asylum bc i think it shows growth and some insight into your situation and i think the other posters in that sub forum could benefit from knowing what you said in this pm.

seriously.

a change of scenery isn’t always bad but your problems will follow.

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The story is as follows:

This primarily involves 2 "friends" of mine, both of whom I went to high school with and have been fairly close to since then (I’m 25 now).

Friend A – I live with
Friend B – Is closer with friend A than me, but we’ve spent quite a bit of time together. The only reason he’s around any more lately is because of friend A.

So, June 2, 2007… we plan a round of golf with a bunch of buddies, a BBQ in the afternoon and a trip down to some bars in the evening. Obviously there is alcohol being consumed all day long. Fast forward to the end of the evening… we (A, B and myself) take a cab from the bars to friend B’s house to drop him off, fully expecting to continue taking the cab home where A and I live.

Friend B comes up with the idea to drive us home, which is about a 10 minute drive straight down a 90km/h highway. This was obviously not the smartest move, but he was fairly insistent about it and tends to do this sort of thing quite often (I’ll come back to this). Anyway, we get around the corner from his house where he goes to enter the expressway. The roads in the area are under construction, so in his infinite wisdom he grabs a construction pylon from out of the drivers window of his car and continues to drive down the onramp dragging this beside him. Upon entering the highway, he lets it go and immediately there are lights behind us as he nearly took out a cop car with the thing. Needless to say, we get pulled over… he denies having drank anything but gets the breathalyzer and blows over. Car gets towed, he goes to jail for a few hours, loses license for 90 days.

Fast forward to now. After a few court dates, the trial is set for February 12th. He wants friend A and myself to visit with his lawyer this Wednesday night and has concocted a totally fabricated version of events that he’s trying to get us to recite at his trial. Friend A being much closer to him now, even moreso due to some other circumstances I won’t get into… seems more than happy to oblige. He confronted me last night about this issue and it got fairly heated. Lying under oath is not something that I am taking lightly. My point to him was that both friend A and I were in the car and saw the same things — if he is willing to go out on a limb for you and recite the fabricated story, then having me do so as well is only going to increase the potential for the prosecutor to find some holes in the story. I have yet to be subpoenaed for this trial and have said repeatedly I don’t plan to attend unless I am.

I’m having a tough time with the moral side of this, mainly because he has a long history of bad judgement, driving drunk, run-in’s with the police (mostly minor issues) and so on. I’ve since come to realize that I am mostly done with being associated with either of them. Friend A is moving out of our place at the end of this month and I’m looking forward to being done with them. I’ve recently gone back to school for my MBA part-time, and it’s time to cut out the party animals.

Thoughts? Thanks in advance

Then don’t go. Or better yet, go, and tell what really happened. You have to do what you feel is right.

And as for your friend…if he makes bad choices, he needs to learn to deal with the consequences of those choices.

Next time he asks about this, give him this simple answer:

No

Thanks… I told him to give me the lawyer’s address and I’d meet him there Wednesday. I haven’t heard from him yet and if I don’t before later I’m just going to tell him outright I’m not getting involved.
theres no moral issues associated with keeping your friend from having to waste 5000 dollars. lie your ass off.
you are a shitty friend if you dont. a truly horrible horrible friend. you either put him into about 5k debt, or you help him just stay out of debt or even jail.

morals have to include understand the results of your actions

here is what you are faced with

Freind A: $0
Friend A: -$5000

You: Lie
You: Honest

you just told him to let his freind donate 5k to the government, what if he has kids? student loans? a mortgage? or a car payment or anything else?

i totally disagree. you need to either be a friend or dont be a freind, theres no half way there.

ive got too many people who have gotten owis in iowa city and elsewhere to know that you dont learn anything from getting arrested, you learn you should lie your ass off every time.

The guy was stupid enough to drive while intoxicated…why the hell should he get out of it?

If he has loans or shit…TOO BAD. That’s his problem.

If he got himself in debt 5k on a credit card, would you still want him to get out of it?

And for the record, anyone who is stupid enough to knowingly drive drunk is not going to be my friend, or would stop being my friend at that point. Same for if a friend asked me to do what is being asked in this situation.

the OP’s friend should have considered the results of HIS actions…not to mention, what if the OP does lie, and gets shot down in court or charged with perjury? Wouldn’t he be fined or perhaps sent to jail?

Then the OP’s friend is being a bad friend, by your logic.

He’s already paid out the ass for this.

There’s no moral issues here? What about the families of people who have been killed by drunk drivers? What about the need for him to learn a lesson? What about lying under oath?

Believe me, it was only a matter of time before something like this happened to him. He already has friend A to tell his version of the events… If I decline to do the same, he’s no further ahead or behind.
I would not go to court and lie under oath for anyone – not even my own family. It could land you in hot water as well if you are found to be lying. You may lose your friends for doing what is right, but if they are asking you to do something that is not right, then perhaps they aren’t really your friends.

. I wouldn’t lie under oath. And I agree with you that it is time to cut these friends out of your life. You don’t want to get into any other trouble because they’re being immature guys. Best wishes and good luck.

exactly, hes already been punished. why not help him out.

Its not a matter of time before he kills someone, that argument is bullshit. Ive been drinking and driving since i was 14… *(i dont anymore)… i did when i was 14 b.c if i was drunk and my mom picked me up, i had my permit and if i didnt drive she would know what was up.

see what the lawyer has to say at least.

well this thread would be considered evidence of perjury. perjury is near impossible to prove or charge.
and most lawyers wont risk their licenses to get someone off on an DUI.

It’s not my place to judge whether or not he’s been punished… that’s for the court to decide.

I won’t comment on your situation, but certainly the advice coming from you needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

Yes, perjury is likely very hard to prove or charge. But 0% chance > 0.1% chance.

yea it is your place to judge that. its your moral code. which seems to mean if your friends down forget about him

whereas i would rather do anything to keep my friends out of trouble…. jail and fines are wasted resources in my book. its not justice if you dont hurt anyone to begin with
i truly dont see how anyone equate the legal system = justice.

it doesnt. jail for pot/non violent crime/ anything that doesnt hurt someone doesnt = justice

a fine doesnt = justice either, it just means more money going out of your friends pocket

Let’s put it this way:

If he went through a RIDE program and blew slightly over while driving me home, I’d legitimately feel bad because it just as easily could have been me or someone else in that position. I’d go to court and do whatever I could to help him out.

However, that wasn’t the case as I outlined above. Now I am being asked not only to lie about how much he drank, but his reasons for the pylon incident which was 110% his own fault.

For the record, I drove his damn car home the following day after it was impounded and spent the following 90 days giving him rides so everyone could still hang out.

He’s had his license back since September and he’s still drinking and driving… albeit not to the same extent, but the lesson needs to be learned. He’s been in countless accidents due to his careless driving, had speeding tickets and so on. He can’t keep getting a get out of jail free card.

(And for the record, he’s not facing jail, just a license suspension and possible fines)
when you live in a society and reap the benefits of said society, it is your _moral_ responsibility to abide by the rules, just like anyone else, whether they be in your mind "just" or not. If you do not agree with said rules, take extra precautions to not get caught, or avoid the situation altogether (i.e. not driving down the road with a pylon out your window). Friend B is horribly irresponsible and this situation could’ve been easily avoided. Although I think it should be said that original poster and Friend A should have "insisted" on taking the cab home in the first place, but that is neither here nor there. I think if you don’t want to lie, you shouldn’t have to and it is your duty to tell the truth if subpoenaed..just my 2 cents

I agree fully.
don’t lie under oath. people who drive drunk deserve whatever shit happens to them.

Let’s hope he learns his lesson then.
You have to do what YOU think is best.

I for one have never drove drunk or rode with anyone who has been drinking. Whatever fines your friend has to pay and has already paid, well, there is a thing called consequences for our actions.

I don’t believe I would be able to lie for anyone in a court of law or anywhere else for that matter. Morally speaking I believe to lie is rude, disrespectful, and plain wrong.

You really have two options. You can either go to court and tell the truth, or don’t go (unless you receive a subpoena) and disassociate yourself from these people. Ultimately, you have to do what you think is right, because you are the one who has to live with that decision.
I’ve had three cousins, on three separate occassions, killed in motor vehicle accidents because the other motorist(s) were intoxicated.

Want to talk about morals? How about the thought of defending a possible future vehicular murderer? Yeah, it’s farfetched, but it’s a possibility.

Those who drink and drive are irresponsible, moronic, and complete waste of the oxygen we breathe.

You have a head on your shoulders, don’t succumb to others bullshit. Do whats right.
im sorry about your cousins, but….

a possible future murderer?

so by your logic everyone with a gun is a future murderer kuz people who own guns sometimes murder people! give me a break. yea its farfetched.

No, by my logic people who drink and drive are possible murderers. What, am I wrong? Come with me to the cemetary, I’ll show you how farfetched it is.
no by your logic people with guns are possible murderers, come with me to a cemetary and ill show you how far fetched it is.
Yuppy is simply wrong about this.
Sometimes we forget that there is such a thing as right and wrong, black and white.

This thing is really, really simple.
If you are subpoenaed and tell the truth then you are morally in the right and have nothing to worry about in the realm of legal problems.

If you go and lie and he gets off.
And if he kills someone while driving while drunk.
You are a part of that. Legally you will bear no responsibility, but morally … morally you got to live with yourself.
Malicious,

Do you want to reinforce bad behavior?

I would not recommend offering any attention to life-threatening acts of stupidity, "friend" or not.

If one of my friends does something stupid, I hang up the phone.

Its the fastest way they will learn.

Most of the time the person wakes up and realizes "shit, we can’t play xbox anymore, its time to stop being dumb"

If they don’t, its no loss.
If a close friend of mine asked me to lie under oath to save one of his friends and I said no, and he left it at that – I wouldn’t be mad. He respected my morals and everything would be fine between us.

However, if he kept asking, pressuring or worse yet started yelling at me, I would be offended and outraged.

Black & White case with me.
I fucking hate drunk drivers. I would testify against his ass. It’s illegal for a reason. Other people’s lives were in danger. Fuck him, he needs to learn a lesson.

w/e; if you lie for your friends you are a loyal and true friend.

thi is a fucking misdemeanor, stop making it murder. save em some money/fines/suspension time
Just to clarify, it was the driver himself who asked me to recite a fabricated story… not the other friend.

The two of them are joined at the hip and from what I understand he didn’t even think twice about saying he’d do it. They are both a couple of morons

He tried to relate me doing him this favour to a bunch of stuff he’d done for me in the past (installing a garage door opener, helping me work on my car, helping us move, etc.) I couldn’t help but laugh that he thought this was on the same level.

Anyway, thanks everyone for your input. I was curious whether I was being a shitty friend by my reluctance to lie on his behalf.

Is it bad that I hope he gets everything that’s coming to him?

I’ve lied for my friends about trivial shit… this is not trivial, and the fact that you think it is tells the whole story for all of us.

Alright.

I’m following. Smart move so far.

You put yourself in danger by driving with him. I hope you never do it again. What he did was foolish, and could have severely injured himself or someone else. The consequences of a DUI are getting more severe as time passes and I believe they should.

You are making the right decision to not lie, nor support that process. However I can’t tell you whether you should or shouldn’t attend the trial or take the stand. Think about what could happen if he doesn’t face the consequences? Can you imagine someone’s daughter, mother, brother, father, sometimes child — dying or severely injured in a car accident because he chose to drive under the influence? Can you imagine yourself the type of person who defends or even invests any type of relationship with someone who would do such a thing — making a mockery of justice and the laws which protect you and I?

To be honest, I would probably go to the trial, but this is just me, and I’d take the stand for the "Prosecution" and when it came time to answer questions, I’d tell the story "exactly" the way it happened. I’d make sure it was told so that he would pay the price for what he did, in order that he is prevented from doing it again.

Party animals are fine, criminals are another story. There is no moral consideration here. If you lost someone to a drunk driver or they were injured, there would be no god damn moral issue. He has a history of it, he needs to be stopped. This isn’t about loyalty or ratting someone out — this is about saving potential lives and keeping your own character intact. Imagine him behind the wheel killing your mother. That smug look on his face in knowing he’ll try to get away with it.

You’re already involved. You were there, you know the truth. If that man kills someone down the road, you’ll be partially responsible — perhaps not legally, perhaps not even morally by the judgment and opinion of others, but you can bet your ass you’ll know it inside, and it’ll stay there.

He’ll be ahead by your omission of the truth if you stay quiet.

He was trying to manipulate you. If I did this, then you’re obligated to do that. Fuck that.

There is no friendship when one person isn’t befriending the other. He ended this friendship long before you did.

I absolutely agree. If he has drug problems, alcohol problems whatever — I hope he gets help, but I also hope he pays dearly for the choice he mad.
Oh and just for the record:

drinking and driving is trivial.

As long as no one gets hurt. If you cant walk you cant drive. but if you can walk and talk fine, may be a little buzzed and can concentrate on the road, then its not a big deal.

People die drinking and driving when they drive like idiots, not when they decide to obey the speed limits and drive safely home. just kuz your drunk doesnt give you a free pass for driving like a retard… but just kuz your drunk also doesnt mean you should be grouped in with those retards every time

you are nobody’s real friend
Guess not… told him not long ago I wouldn’t be telling anything but the truth at his trial and to let me know if he still wanted me to attend the meeting with his lawyer tonight.

Obviously he said no, then of course followed it up by saying our "friendship" was over. I said I didn’t need "friends" like him and wished him the best of luck.

Case closed.
Mostly I like you Yuppy.
Mostly you seem to have your head on straight.
Mostly.

DUI is not trivial. The only way you are going to learn this is when someone close to you is seriously hurt by another drunk.

It would be fun to shove this thread in your face when that happens.
You know, you are here crying cause your Dad is dead and looking for support. Instead of giving you support we just yell at you and rub this thread in your face.

Truth is, assuming your Dad isn’t killed tomorrow I will forget about this thread. I am a pretty sympathetic guy and will probably be the first person to show you some sympathy.
Pity.

No.
Cause he needs to see some repurcussions for his actions if he is ever going to learn a lesson about how he is acting.

i went out partying in hollywood one night. i saw a guy drive his car into the center island. it was a rice rocket and the guy drove it up the fucking curb on the center median. i thought he was injured so i parked on the side of the road and watched him for a minute or so. he didnt move at all so i got out and ran over to the car to check on him. the guy passed out and was sleeping. he shattered the front passenger window it wreaked like booze inside.

being buzzed is being under .08. anything more is illegal and illegal for good reason.

"You will not perjur yourself so that your friend can get away with a DUI, therefore you are a shitty person."
how does make any sense?

he refuses to even meet with the lawyer. who will tell him to not lie

this guy refused to even goto the meeting to learn what its all about.

more than likely the meeting was about HOW TO ANSWER the questions, instead of WHAT TO SAY.

lawyers wont risk their licenses getting barred for some punk with a drunk driving infraction

this meeting was probably a standard practice

because in law, you dont ask questions that you dont know the answers to.

I never refused to go, I simply told him I wouldn’t be lying under oath and left it up to him as to whether he wanted me there knowing that… which he said he didn’t.

Their case would look really great when friend A got up there and told the fake story and I went up and told the truth

here’s the thing. would your friend take a bullet for you? probably not.

at the end of the day, you’re the one who needs to live with this not him. by the way it sounds, it seems like he’s more or less a person you grew up with and is acquainted through him like that.

bottom line is do whatever is going to make you sleep at night. if you go up there an lie, and then worry the next 2 months if you are going to be prosecuted for lying under oath then its not worth it. if you can live with that, go ahead.

by the way, $5000 is not that much money. its not going to devastate his life if he has to pay that fine.
5k is a lot of money for most people who get OWIs. it took a friend of mine over 2 years to pay off the owi he got driving my car home from the bar

No, it’s really not. I’ve had 3 friends killed and one paralyzed in the past 18 months in separate incidents involving drunk drivers. The last one, the guy blew 0.9. Drinking and driving is in no way whatsoever trivial and I cannot understand why anyone would think it is.
Yuppy, you’re skimming the story and living by standard.. Stop being so ignorant and read.

I actually find one flaw with this analogy.

You have two type of gun owners:

Type one: People who research the gun they purchase. Take a gun safety course. Then go to a firing range and practice with that gun until they are comfortable with it and are able to shoot dead on target. These type of people, in the event of someone entering into their home, will grab the gun and identify loudly that I have a gun and not afraid to use it if you do not leave. Or, at the VERY least, get a good visual on the person in their home BEFORE shooting. (this is taught in gun safety, I know for sure cause I took the course)These people can be compared to sober drivers.

Type two: People who are afraid of being attacked or having their home broken into. They go get any gun at random, keep it loaded, and never practice shooting it at all. (Don’t laugh, I have seen this happen). Then the day comes that maybe their SO or teenage child tries to quietly come home at a late hour. This person grabs the gun in a panic (not being able to think clearly) and ACCIDENTALLY shoots and kills their SO/child. This person can be compared to the drunk driver.

So just because it is UNLIKELY that your loved one would come home late without you knowing it (you could kill someone while driving intoxicated)doesn’t mean it CAN NOT happen and why would you want to risk it even if the chances are slim??????

but you have 2 types of drunk drivers, the one who can handle his liquor and the one who cant. thats like saying im going to shoot someone when i go hunting possibly everytime.

if i slam 10 beers, get up and take a speed limit trip home, i shouldnt have to worry about getting pulled over and having my life turned upside down.

whereas if someone gets drunk, drives home @ 20 mph over the speed limit, and is swerving, they should have hell to pay.

i just wish i could go get drunk, and call for a police escort home without getting into trouble. it would prevent both unnecessary risks for me and the pubic and then i could wake up and have my car at my house. thatd be sweet.

how hard is it to arrange to have someone to be a DD? Or call a taxi?

at your logic.

The issue is, there isn’t 2 types of drunk drivers, there’s infinite types of drunk drivers.

The effects of alcohol on reaction time, etc. have been proven again and again. Add the variability of human nature into the equation, along with other factors like weather and road condition. You can drive home at the speed limit, but when some kid on a bike jumps out at you and you’re so tanked you can’t react quickly enough, then you’ve got a problem.

The reality is, people have been drinking and driving forever and they will continue to. Cracking down on it will reduce it somewhat, but there will always be someone who will continue to risk it.
Very simple.

When you meet with the lawyer, tell him you will only speak the truth about what happened on that night. The lawyer will remove you from the witness list, plain and simple.

No need to go on trial or take the stand

maybe he shouldn’t have driven drunk

you know, drunk driving fines are absurdly easy to avoid.
Just to follow-up, his lawyer called me Wednesday night and I returned his call yesterday.

He asked if I would be available to attend the trial to tell my side of the story. I let him know that I was aware of the version of events that my "friend" was planning to present and told him that I wouldn’t be saying anything except what actually happened. I said my presence would be detrimental to the case. He seemed quite taken back, and said "That’s shocking… and surprising" as if he actually believed the story he had been told. He thanked me and that was it… all of 30 seconds.

Anyone know what the usual deal is with defense lawyers and fabricated stories? I figured that the guy had to know some or most of the facts were being twisted…

I know NOTHING of the law. We have people in law school in this forum.

But common sense…
the defense lawyer is there to serve his client in the same way that any professional is there to serve his client.

If his client walks in the door and says, ‘This is how it happened….’ I would imagine that the lawyer wouldn’t be motivated to argue with the guy. Well, he would be, he would be motivated to challenge the guy in the way that he thinks the prosecuter would challenge the guy. But to look at the dude and say, ‘You sir are a liar.’ doesn’t really seem to be in the lawyers best interest.

As such, it might take a slap in the face (like what you did) for a lawyer to wake up that the client isn’t being honest with him.

First of all…good for you for sticking up for what you believe in no matter what the consequence. I for one respect your decision.

I think some defense attorney’s are just out for the money or how many wins they can achieve …I mean seriously, have you ever heard about how they make rape VICTIMS look like the actual CRIMINAL???? Don’t think for a minute those attorney’s don’t "know" the truth!!!
Cause God knows a rape trial is just a formality.

Why would a woman make up a story about rape? Get real. If people actualy did things like that, don’t you think it would eventually hit the ivy league colleges and the media? Why haven’t we ever even heard of someone that fabricated a rape charge.

Nope.
If he has a dick, you must convict!

Girl power!

Keep the sarcastic stupidity out. Nobody said that a woman won’t make up a story about rape…

ok nancy grace

most supposed rape victims are criminals: Falsifying reports/drug use/sodomy/perjury/
And the conclusion to the story, he got off on the charges somehow… as I expected he would because that always seems to be the case.

At least you’re not caught up in any of it, then.

And now he has another opportunity to hurt someone.
i don’t care if it’s my brother

if he got a dui, it’s on him.

people who get dui’s, or even don’t get them, but do dui, are fucking idiots, and need to be slain.

too many people die from thsi shit. if you think you’re responsible enough to drink, you should be responsible enough to not drink.

are you serious?! that’s light punishment. tell your friend to relax, this shit ain’t a big deal.

don’t lie for your friend. make him eat the shit.

Whatever you do, do NOT take Yuppy’s advice
@Malicious,

I have been in a similar situation with a friend who reminds me of your friend B. He always drove drunk, cheated on his girlfriends, did stupid shit and lied, etc. etc. ad infinitum, and eventually I got tired of bailing him out. It was a conflict for me, because we were CLOSE friends, really really close but eventually I couldn’t take it.

He cheated on his girlfriend and asked me to corroborate his alibi. I had done this before for him but I just couldn’t do it anymore. We don’t talk so much anymore.

It just happens that way – people turn out differently over time. I hate the thing where to be a real man/a real friend/accepted you are expected to back up somebody who really isn’t even a good friend of yours when they do some stupid fucked up shit like homeboy.

With respect to your situation specifically – DO NOT LIE FOR HIM. Perjury is fucking serious and could have disastrous long-term effects. And plus – how does your friend ever expect to get out of anything after what he did was so over the top?

what.the.fuck.?!

wtf are you crazy?

you just pull stats out of your ass!!

It’s all about who you know…..

duke lacrosse

and that only makes news b.c it was a race issue…. it happens a lot thats why the conviction rate of rapists is rather low

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The reason that I’m away from her now is that I finally moved out on my own last year…my sister lived off and on with me during that time as well, but I moved to Canada to be with my fiance and my mom is angry at me. She forbid me to go, so once I told her I’m not coming back, she disowned me. (Not the first time.) Lately it’s been back and forth…she -might- come to the wedding and bring my sister, but most days she’s still angry and sarcastic, so I don’t think it’s going to happen.)

This is my mom

My sister

Me, my sister and Shane last summer

Me and my sister

Cliffs: I moved, mom disowned, might never see little sister again, HURT.
I don’t really know what to say, but I wish you and your family the best of luck. Sounds like you’ve really been through a lot of really tough times.

that sucks, glad to see youve been able to turn your life around through all this….

Thanks for the support; it helps.

But I want to bring her with me! She’s got 9 or so more years before she can escape the insanity…no, HELL, that is our family. If my mom would let me take her I’d raise her…I’ve talked to my fiance and he agreed with me. But she won’t let me take Abby…she’s got too much pride to admit she can’t handle it. I don’t know how to help her…either of them.

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picard.jpg

5 years going into college and probably 2 more to go, I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m like out of gas – I can’t move forward any longer. I feel like life is passing before my eyes with a wave of younger classmates sitting beside me. Is this a common misconception? Is this depression? What is this feeling?

Has anyone else gone through this? I know this has been brought up randomly before, but I just wanted to bring it up in a thread

I’ve been in the same rut before, and for me it was about looking for a path I wanted to follow. I leapt into university after completing high school, and it was the biggest mistake.

Find out what you want to do, either with your current education or something different. Set goals you want to achieve, and most of all know where you want to be after your done. Dont get stuck finding a job in your current field because you have the degree, 10 20 years down the road your going to kill yourself slaving over a job you never wanted.
Well, did you ever settle on something you wanted to do with your life? You sure as hell can’t expect college to help you define it, most of what you learn in college is completely unreflective of what professional work is actually like.

I actually have. I’ve defined my goals a long time ago, ever since I got into computing. Throughout my recent years of actual work I’ve gone through many different types of techical jobs, though not too involving and not requiring as much skill, as I am only 23 years of age and in school. It did, however, gave me a ton of insight on what to do. Desktop Support seems to be what I am fitted to do. Whatever else I think, I cannot swing away from Desktop Support. At the moment, I personally support a network of people who depend on me for peronal and business computing needs. I don’t offer my support at a cost because I am creating efficient ways to provide advice, (a lot of) troubleshooting and repair, and just staight general info on technological trends. My real job, however, is a part-time DBA Assistant. Ironically, Desktop Support was what I did when I was 12 years old when my uncle slave-labored me into it at his Windows-based computer sales/repair store back in the early 90s.

The thing that bothers me is my lack of actual experience that I can put down, i.e. a degree. I’m shittin’ bricks looking at jobs that I find very capable of doing but lacking that degree. 5 years of college and I haven’t found anything remotely close to what I am going for. Course electives are set so that you take them at the very end of your under-graduate studies which I find rediculous. I’ve got about a semester and a half before I am able to take those so that’s pretty nutty.

I know the feeling very well. My first degree took me 8 years to get and the last 2, I didn’t know anyone at school anymore. My friends would ask me to go out in the evenings and I couldn’t….I still had to study. I wanted to….badly but I just couldn’t.

I remember feeling very down. Like I was trapped in a life I didn’t want to live. Like things would never, ever get any better and that I was completely worthless. I never thought I would amount to anything and I honestly didn’t know what the fuck I wanted to do with my life.

I was so confused that I simply drank…..a lot.

I worked my way out of this but it wasn’t easy and it took awhile. Looking back I realize why I got to this place and it’s mainly due to a couple of factors:
1) not learning that it’s OK to follow my dreams
2) not learning that it’s OK to change my path, even if I’m far down the path.
3) not learning that very often when I want to switch paths, it’s simply due to laziness and really what I need to do is stay the course.
4) trying to live up to other people’s expectations of me
5) losing a brother and a dad in less than 2 years and not knowing how to cope with grief.
6) not wanting things to change. I remember when grunge rock hit the scene and I remember thinking….why? I love 80s music and I really didn’t see a reason to change. Looking back, this feeling was enhanced by #5.
7) being far along in a degree and not wanting to have "wasted" all of that previous education….something I find kind of silly today….no education is ever wasted.

So there was a lot of shit contributing to my feelings.

One thing I would suggest, spend time exploring ideas of a career that you would like. There are plenty of book and most colleges/unis have career placement offices. They can give you test to help you figure out what you like to do and what you have aptitude for. Then the really difficult part comes….you have to have the courage to follow your dreams.

So I pushed though my degree and I honestly didn’t have the skills to compete with other new graduates. I did the minimum to get by and I wondered why noone would hire me. I struggled and worked shitty jobs but my brother finally helped me and got me started on a career that I enjoyed. It was brutally hard tho and I could have easily given up….like you sound like you are ready to do….but I didn’t.

I gained valuable experience in that job and stayed there for 8 years. During which time my salary steadily increased and I so did my lifestyle. I was able to buy my first house and was generally loving life.

I also found that I loved, absolutely loved working around and with computers on a very technical level….not just excel and word, I wanted to program.

So after we sold the company, I went back to uni to pursue a degree that I wanted….computer science. This time around it was much different. I worked my ass off because I was interested. I pushed myself hard to get the best grades I could. I constantly turned down offers to hang out with friends because I wanted to learn and gain even more knowledge.

I ended up graduating with a very high GPA and just landed a kick ass job.

Now it’s taken decades for me to get to this point. Don’t do what I did….learn from my mistakes. Learn to follow your own voice and you’ll be much better off.

Few things in life suck worse than being trapped in a life you hate.

Good luck and God Bless.

This will only get worse as you age. Why? Because a BS used to be sufficient but not anymore. Most of the great jobs go to people with masters degrees. A HS diploma is a joke these days and everyone knows it.

Yeah the "hoops" that colleges/unis make you jump through can seem very ridiculous indeed but it’s part of the game. You want a degree? Then you have to do the dance. It’s OK….we’ve all been there.

Hell I already had a BS in accounting when I returned to study CS. I still had to take 105 hours (124 is a full degree from scratch) because the Uni had changed so many things in the 10 or so years since I graduated.

So we put up with the BS classes so we can get to the really interesting ones. I tried to knock as many of these shitty classes out early so I could get to the "meat" of my degree faster. It’s hard but you just have to push through….this is one reason why BS degrees have value.

It shows that you can set a goal and accomplish it. It shows that you have the ability to stick to difficult and unsexy projects. It shows that you have the ability to learn.

I can assure you….all of these lessons will be repeated though out your life. Work isn’t always fun nor is it easy. Very often is frustratingly difficult and employers look for people that won’t flake out. This is why it’s important to have degrees….because it lends credibility to your name.
I started college in fall 2003, finished spring term 2004, couldn’t continue because I failed prep math twice and the third time would of cost 1000+ (out of state charge) ended up going to technical school to get A+,N+ and MCSE. Finished that worked for 2 years in Various IT Jobs. I wanted to goto a art school because the focus/ more in depth on art courses rather than general ed. But Couldn’t Afford them. fast forward to fall 2007, I finnally found a place that would test me if i had a disability in math and found out that i did. So I was able to sign up to school for spring 08 term and not have to take a math course with it. So I have about 2 1/2 to 3 years left of college left and I plan to finnish and get my degree. Better late than never!
Just tredge through the degree and get on with your life. You will probably never need 90% of the information you learned at any of your jobs but that piece of paper will get you into tons of areas. After you graduate you start at the bottom and depending on your experience you can get into any field you want, the degree doesn’t matter. It only matters to get you in the door for the job.

Also, if you find yourself at age 29 or 35 and unhappy with your career and path in life, just change. You will be fine. In most fields, employers don’t care if you have 10 years or 15 years experience, so you can completely change careers even in your 40′s and still get high up by your 50′s. Most jobs can be learned in a few years but the majority of the skills are transferrable to any job. Also, those that are interested in what they do take little time to get where they want.

Wow, that reads like an afternoon TV special.

chubby, i’m in the exact same position.

i’ll tell you my problem and lemme know if it rings a bell.

all my life I’ve never been hot or cold. I’ve been lukewarm about everything. i went into whatever direction my parents pushed me, or something like that, albeit dragging my feet. i had no intention behind my actions. i packed no punch.

now is the time to be HOT or COLD. pursue the things you love, drop the things you hate like a bad habit. reinvent yourself. do the things that ENERGIZE you.

chub:

You’re just in a rut right now. I’m in the same position as yourself but I completely stopped going to school last fall. I really don’t know what to do either. I started off at a top engineering school fall 2001, attended a community college for 2 years to get my GE out of the way and figure things out, thought I figured it all out and attended a school renowned for its Neuroscience program (double majored neuroscience/psychology) on the other side of the country for 3 years, and now I’m back home.

I just don’t know what to do. Like Hsugh Knight, I’ve always been "lukewarm" about everything.

I know I’m not stupid. I got into two great schools. I nail every interview that comes along (I applied for various jobs just to practice my interviews). But no matter how charismatic I come across, or how qualified I am for any job; ultimately, the absence of that little piece of paper has hiring managers looking the other way. I’ve had actual recruiters tell me that also. The reason why they look for that is that it shows commitment. It looks bad on paper seeing yourself start a program and not follow through.

Although unlike yourself, my age has been overshadowed by a senior citizen in some of my classes (tuition is free for senior citizens in Canada). He he so I guess in a way, seeing that little old lady gave me some hope for my future.

I read a statistic somewhere: the common working class citizen will change their career an average of SIX times before settling with something. The way I see it, people like you and I are doing this earlier (or more often) than others.

Good luck man

Coottie:

Great posts, good to know someone in the same situation pulled through.
Jcrash, can’t you try entry level stuff and work your way up? degrees are usually a substitute for experience.

B.Eng is a personal goal

ive been a sr for the past 3 years. i cant seal the deal…..

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Okay, so two months ago my SO broke off a two year relationship. Basically because she doesn’t want to be tied to one person, she wanted to do whatever without having to worry about me.

It was very sudden, odd and on the phone, things were going fucking amazing up until that point. She normally didn’t get along with my friends and right before she broke up with me, it was my birthday. She got along very well on my birthday with my friends, maybe that was a sign.

So I told her I would get over her much more easily if we had NO conversation for like two months and then we could get together for dinner and figure out what the fuck went wrong so I could have closure.

During those two months she kept contacting me and every single time I kept reminding her that, "it’s more painful for me this way" or I just wouldn’t respond to the texts or pick up the call.

I even deleted her off facebook so if she went into a relationship I wouldn’t have to see the "is in a relationship with" update thing. I just really wanted to get over her and move on.

During those two months, school first took a bit of a dip and then got better like it hasn’t been in the two years that I was dating her. I "found" myself again, I started writing again and I started reading again. I really felt like myself again, I started having a lot of friends, like I used to….etc.

Life was going fucking amazing. I wasn’t that happy since before I met her. I realized that no matter what, I can’t get myself in a stupid fucking relationship like that again.

So, a week and a half ago, I met this girl, a friend of a friend, (btw, I’m 20, my ex is 18, and this new girl is 21) and we were at a club so I couldn’t really talk to her, but I ended up dancing with her and shit like that. She was with somebody (I later find out it’s her "fuck buddy", they were never really in a relationship, just messed around and made out…etc.), so I kept my distance, although with alcohol I did end up kind of grinding against her. I’m never that bold.

So, a few days after that we end up at the mutual friends house with a bunch of other friends playing video games (GTA4 ftw) and about two hours in, we go off to the other room and end up talking for a good 4-5 hours, and then we end up crashing at the friends house in the same room and during the night have sporadic conversation when we’re both awake. In the morning I drive her home, some more conversation. We really click, we’ve been through similar shit, we’ve got very compatible personalities.

So, on the car ride I invite her to my cousins birthday party that’s going to be at my house, tell her it’s going to be small, and whatever, mostly video games.

So I pick her up the day for the party, and we all go see Iron Man first and later on we go to dinner, me being the fucking FOOL that I am, I drink a LOT at dinner, (Canada, legal drinking age 18!) we order two pitchers, and I’m the only one who really drinks beer. And I’m cheap, so the other two people who are drinking beer drink next to nothing, while I finish the rest and end up getting pretty drunk.

Go back to my house, we’re all just chillin, doing whatever, games, you know. I continue my drinking, because I’m a fucking retard. She gets tired and goes to sleep in my bed, I can’t remember how it happened, but she somehow said I could sleep in the same bed as her. I’m like "hahaha", walk out of room, sit down go "what the fuck?" I’m a really conservative guy, I’ve only ever had 1 girlfriend, 1 kiss, 1 EVERYTHING, with the previous girl. I’m hammered by this point and sometime later on, I go to the bed and sleep beside her.

She tells me she likes me, I can’t respond for a good 20 seconds because the words won’t come out right, and I tell her I like her too. I give her a hug. We end up groping… And although NOTHING happens, we do end up kind of making out and doing the whole dry humping, rubbing shit. Completely removing any innocence out of the word "hug". She’s completely sober and tells me about her "fuck buddy". I of course, keep making out because I’m not thinking rationally.

She’s a virgin (I don’t care) and by "fuck buddy" she means like making out, fooling around, I don’t care or know what.

So in the morning, I’m sober, but we still kind of fool around and then we sit and talk for like 3-4 hours. She says shes confused, doesn’t know what she wants to do…etc. She has trust issues with males because of her father….etc. Completely understandable. I tell her, I want a relationship, and I only do serious relationships. To me relationships aren’t about sex, it’s about companionship. (I’m totally not a man, I know)

So I’m like, whatever, I’ll be her friend, back off a bit until she figures things out.

Next day, the ex texts me, saying that she REALLY needs to talk. I’m like, okay whatever, I call her. She says that the next day is the exact two months and I said we’d have dinner. I tell her, that I realized that she was bad for me and I don’t want anything to do with her. Before that she doesn’t say it outright but from the way she said it "I broke up with you so you could find yourself, and now you have–"…etc. I figured she wanted to get back together with me, I’m like FUCK THAT. And end up being a dick and she gives me the voice-quiver / repressed cry voice towards the end and when we say goodbye. My friend who knows her well and she got along with the most says that she most likely wanted to get back together with me.

Whatever, I wouldn’t get back together with her anyway.

Next day I go to the new girls place, again reinforcement that she’s confused. I get along with her family VERY well (which is important to her). And then right before I’m about to leave, we have some conversation, and she tells me how she’s going on a date with some girl (how she maybe thinks she’s gay), reinforces that she doesn’t want to be bound.

Today, she texts me, we text back and forth. And then she finally texts me saying: "hahaha i just wanna make out with u n then talk to [you] about life while drinking chai n then go home n know i am still a free woman n i can do that again. Hahaha"

I wouldn’t mind if she got bored of me, and the relationship broke off, it’d be a learning experience, it’d be fun, whatever. But as long as it’s a relationship, I don’t want a friend with benefits.

And before that she was like "we could have raunchy sex and my mom wouldn’t mind, she loves you" type thing. So, I’m pretty sure I could have sex with her, and it’d be a notch in my belt type thing. But I’m not like that. FUCK!

BITCHES BE CRAZY.

So… I haven’t responded to her, I’m tempted to just let go and just screw around with her, but my rational self is like… no fuck that. So… guys, what do you think? I’m young, I should let loose and fuck around? Or what.

Cliffs
-> Viz_Ru is not a Man, but a giant Vagina. Also a drunken retard.
-> Bitches be crazy.
dude don’t meet girls at a club, a lot of them are some crazy ho’z
that is an insane story. i don’t even know where to begin. to be honest, sounds like the beginning of a shitstorm. i would be careful.
Here is all that has to be said from that mess:

1. Stop talking to your ex. You were finally moving in a positive direction without her in your life. She only wants you back because no one better has come into her life and she misses the attention from you now that it is gone. She’s not in love with you; she’s just 18, stupid, and needs validation from you. Continue to NOT talk to her or answer any of her calls and texts.

2. New girl has a lot of issues, probably too many issues than someone of your limited relationship experience can handle. You should most likely let her go. She’s not ready for a relationship with you (which is what you want) and she has trust issues with men to the point where she’s convincing herself she is bi. More importantly she keeps flat out telling you she’s not ready for a commitment, so move on!

3. You keep saying you are against having a casual sexual relationship but then you contradict yourself saying you’d be "fine" if she basically just used you for a relationship that would obviously be sexual. In other words you would basically force her (and moreso yourself) into thinking you were in a relationship so you didn’t feel guilty when you and her got it on. You are trying to convince yourself just because a new girl is in your life and you’re not used to being single. Stay single. Experience being 20 years old with no ties. You have many years to try and settle down.

I lurk on this forum a lot, b/c of the break up, and consistently you give amazing advice.

Thanks a lot. <3. Better advice than most of my friends. ("Bang her and move on!")

I talked to my sister and realized a few things, of my limited experience with the opposite sex, (about six months before my ex, I just started figuring out how to actually be sociable and make myself look good) all the people I’ve interacted with have in some way or another insinuated they just want me for sex.

When me and the SO broke up the first time (1 year ago, for about 1 month, I was VERY distraught and got back together with her, first break up, didn’t know how to deal with it), I still talked to her, and we ended up having sex, or me eating her out or whatever and afterwards I’d feel very used and be an emo bitch.

Or randomly some fucking chick would come up to me and insinuate that they wanted to suck me off or something. (Happened twice, once at the place I worked)

Now this.

Am I doing something wrong? I’m going to take your advice and stay single, because lol, mentally my options looked to me like:

a) Mess around with Girl 2.
b) Tell girl 2, no. And look for serious relationship.

Just staying single sounds better than both of those.

But just out of curiosity, wtf is wrong with me. I should have been born a horn dog.

Btw thanks for the advice/comments so far.

Thanks I also give better advice than your friends because:
1. I’m more experienced most likely
2. I’m not thinking with a penis

Most guys think the best way to get over someone or to move on is to fuck everything that moves, but from all that I’ve learned the most important time in your life to learn who you are and what you want is from age 18-25. A lot of people, like yourself, get into LTR in highschool that carry on into college. Once they break up they are lost. They’ve been Jack & Jane for so long they never learned who the fuck they are! The problem is instead of them taking the time to have fun and enjoy being single (which can be amazing) they don’t know any better than being in a relationship so they jump right back into one and usually it’s with someone they aren’t even compatible with. In your case you’re not compatible with this new girl. Yes, you’ve chatted for a few hours and have some things in common, but you are both very different in what you want and that will most likely never change, especially not any time soon (nor should you change in the first place). You have been making such great progress after your ex and you even recognize that!

You’re not doing anything wrong. Just because you have standards and don’t want to have casual sexual flings does not make you "weird" or "not a man" or even "stupid." Everyone has standards and one day you will meet a girl who doesn’t just want you for sex and she will be blown away that you have such high standards. It will make her feel special and that is rare.

Stay single hun. Have fun! College is such an amazing time. Most people will tell you they wished they has been single throughout college because you get to do what you want and learn about yourself. Also, you might want to consider casual dating. This doesn’t mean you have to sleep with anyone, but just going out on dates will help you learn how to talk to women.

Stop talking to Girl 2 and your ex, you’ll be much better off.
You seem to think that the only 2 options are either fuckbuddies or serious relationship and that’s not how it works. You can date this girl, fool around, do all the couple shit but still be free to date other people too. There’s nothing wrong with casually dating someone and it’s not a slutty thing to do. You don’t have to commit to every single girl that you have a mutual attraction to. It’s much better to date around while you’re young and get to know lots of different women and find out what you really want in a relationship.

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The possibilites seem to be (in my mind):
1.) attention
2.) self loathing
3.) Peer pressure/acceptance
4.) omgwtfbbq

She lives with her mom in Texas and I see her at spring break, christmas and summer. During spring break, she had a few slits on one wrist. Her mom knows about it but hasn’t gotten serious about counseling or anything.

Is cutting something that is in vogue? My daughter claims she is the only one in her school doing it and she isn’t looking for attention.

Fuck man, she is my baby, it kills me to see her deface herself like this.

She needs to talk to someone about that. Counseling or peers, whatever it is she needs some form of help. This is not normal behavior.
Dunno what to tell you man, I think slitting your wrists is very serious, and should be handled properly. I don’t see how one justifies doing it without there being something seriously wrong. I don’t think the fact that she is young is a good enough reason to accept her doing something like this. (peer pressure, attn, etc)
If I were you, I’d be doing something to figure out why she’s doing it, and stop it. It is NOT normal.

She doesn’t claim to be suicidal, just emo. Somehow she thinks cutting is a type of release.

I hope a parent of an emo kid shows up here.

So…..she will be here on May 31st (and staying for almost 2 months). I should set up a weekly meeting with a psychologist for while she is here?

She talks about it like it is just no big deal at all. It is so fucking weird. I would love to know who put these fucked up ideas in her head.
Self cutting is actually fairly common, my girlfriend used to do it. She cant really explain why, she wasnt trying to kill herself or looking for attention or anything. Like you said, some kind of release.

This idea was put in these people’s head though. Because when I was a kid, no one did this shit. They found other ways to release their pent up emotions.
look up "self-injury" on wikipedia. this behavior is not the problem itself but a symptom of emotional problems/distress. it should be taken seriously. according to my understanding, this is less about suicide and more about releasing tension and frustration.

i don’t think you can really support the claim that no one did that when you were young…

Let me rephrase. "Cutting" seemed expotentially less prevalent amongst the teenagers 20 years ago in my estimation.

will do.
I always wonder why one would slit their wrists to release the tension when they can just get off and not have any permanent damage. Doesn’t it suit the same goal?

When you say "get off" you mean masturbate or have sex?

I don’t know about that. I just don’t think it was known about or accepted. I have spoken to quite a few counselors about this (good friend and nephew were both doing this) and one of the major reason given for this was that the ‘child’ felt helpless. Voiceless. Not in control and unable to deal with or express that.

I would recommend counseling. I know a lot of people think of that as a bad word, or admitting a weakness or whatever… but it will truly help this girl deal with whatever it is that she is going through.

Masturbation would be the most likely substitute. I mean, what’s the point of cutting yourself for some "release" of tension when you can fill your brain with endorphins repeatedly without any scars?

I don’t think they are looking for endorphins.

cutting is bad enough, but she is playing with fire on the wrists.

Thighs or something if she has to cut. I know that’s not a real solution, but it could easily save her life.

Check this site out and follow some/all of the suggestions/advice given:

This "cutting" seems to be the physical embodiment of a child that is discontent with the world around them/their place in it and is often attributable to a broken home/disrupted family life.

She’s your child, talk to her and encourage her to talk to you. Just be ready for anything that she might have to say, and I do mean anything, and don’t discriminate or express distaste with whatever she has to say…, remember, she’s internalizing her inability to find anyone in her world to discuss her problems with, the conflicts and contradictions she sees in the world unfolding around her, and allow her to vent without passing judgement on anything that she’ll have to say.

She wants/needs to be listened to and to know that what she has to say counts for something. Essentially, just be her Dad.
If it’s a way to release tension… maybe she could find other ways to release tension.

Playing sports?
Taking Karate/boxing/whatever classes?
Something exhausting is always the best imo.
It releases the built up tension from not dealing with her emotions. There is something that is causing her so much pain, that she doesn’t know how to deal with it. Another cause may be that she just feels numb, and does it just to feel anything; even though it’s pain. Cutting is a very serious problem and requires counseling. She needs to talk about whatever her pain is and feel the emotions, only then will she be able to find a better way to release her tension.

IMO it’s not weird for her to talk about it like it’s no big deal, she’s crying out for help. You can minimize this and think it’s strange but you’re likely to wake up to a dead child. Minimize this at your own risk.

If I were in your shoes, I would have a long talk with her mother and get my daughter into long term counseling and perhaps in house therapy.

Cutting oneself isn’t normal, it’s a sign that things are really wrong but the person doesn’t know how to deal. Get them help dealing.

Good luck and God Bless.

You know one person that did this so obviously it’s fairly common?

Get a grip….it’s not healthy nor is it all that common. It is however, a sign that things are really wrong.
In the past month of college I’ve met 2 girl who told me that they cut themselves. Both of them gave me an almost identical reason in that when they cut they feel like their problems are being relieved. In my opinion one of them has serious mental issues and there’s nothing I can do to help her. But the other girl is much more reasonable and hopefully I’ll be able to talk to her and find out another way she can go about relieving stress. They both make sure to put the cuts in places that people won’t see. Both admit that they started cutting on their arms until their parents found out then they started putting the cuts in places not visible with clothes on. So I suggest that you don’t hound your daughter about cutting herself or she’ll probably just put them in places you can’t see and just tell you she stopped.

I lol-ed.
The fact that her mom isn’t doing anything about it will possibly make things worse.

In my experience people cut when they are trying to feel something, anything. Something is going on.. Since she isn’t trying to hide it 100% then she is consciously or not asking for help. She needs to talk to someone.
Want me to show her how to rip her toenails out instead? It’s less visible and more satisfying.

I knew a kid that did that when I lived in Canada.. He did it to his fingernails too and would then color the skin black.

It always creeped me out but I felt bad for the guy too. That shit looked like it HURT.

13

I wish she would too. When she is at my house it is non stop sports, but that culture doesn’t exist at her mom’s house in Texas, where she is most of the time.

She says her life there is hell and all she wants is to come to my house. She has never cut herself while at my house.
like others have said, get her some help. if she is openly telling you and her mother about this, its a cry for help. she may not be trying to kill herself, but the location of the cutting might lead to that very thing accidently.

hopefully if she is willing to tell you that she is doing this, she will be willing to go speak with someone about issues that might be causing it.

and give her love and support (which you probably do anyway). it worries me that her mom doesnt seem very concerned. it very well could be for attention if the mom barely notices

The mom took her to a counselor like once or twice. She is a single mom who has alienated her relatives and has 3 kids. So it is likely logistically difficult for her to get my daughter to counseling.

I think based on what you guys have said here, I will arrange for her to see a counselor while she is here for the summer. It is the best I can do I think.

i think it is somewhat normal behavior but is not healthy behavior
People cut because physical pain > emotional pain. Its a form of stress release for those daily life problems that won’t go away, or in other words your daughter is depressed about her daily life problems,

Its a situation like this , if someone called you an asshole, you’d brush it away as the person isn’t worth your time listening to, that’s the normal way people would deal with it.

If someone would call your daughter a bitch on the other hand, she’d get angered and frustrated, and because she can’t place or redirect the negativity in a good way , she’d get emotionally stressed, and to down that emotional stress, she would start cutting herself in an attempt to release some emotional steam.

Its worthless of course , its like people drinking booze wanting to make their problem go away but it doesn’t work, because cutting,drinking,anti-depressants etc etc are problem supressors and NOT problem solvers.

She needs to work on the root of the problem, and definitly needs to see a psychologist, and you also need to convince her to coooperate with the psychologist in order to tackle her mental problems.

Input = output

If the surroundings are fucked up, then she gets fucked up. Your little girl is like a sponge absorbing all the negativity in her life without knowing how to deal with it, she’d better learn fast on how to defend herself, and how to release her emotions instead of making it a murder hole and start cutting.

Speed is of the essense , the faster you work on it, the more likely she’ll recover. Removing the depressing factors, and stabilizing her enviroment as wel as strenghtening her self image, are important.

I say it always like this. Imagine if you are stuck in a room, what helps better, crying and cutting or a key to get out? Make sure your daughter gets help, and works on finding the key to unlock the door of her problems, tackle the root not the symptoms.

a model citizen as always you toenail ripping tent dweller
Dude, you are not equipped to deal with this. Get her to counseling.
I’d love to give advice, but just reading the thread alone makes the hair on my body stand.

Good luck, man.
I know this is a serious thread, and I agree that you should definitely take this seriously and seek professional help for her and talk to her yourself first but ummm LMFAO @ this….

I believe that seeking professional help for your child is necessary. Self-mutilation can be steamed from numerous things, including depression, anger, self-loathing, family problems, etc.

I’ll reply with more of something that might be able to help you through PM.

I came to post just this.

There are several reasons why people self injure. Some people do it because they claim they feel emotionally numb or dead inside. When they physically hurt themselves, they feel physical pain. While its not the same as emotional pain, it is still a feeling. People who engage in self injury for this reason claim to feel alive while they hurting themselves. To them, any sensation is better than no sensation at all.

Some people use self injury as a form of self punishment. They feel worthless or useless and as punishment for who they are, the self injure. Statistically, people who self injure as form of punishment also have other addictions like sexual, drug or eating disorders.

Some people use it as a way to manifest their emotional pain into physical pain. People who engage in self injury for this reason are not able to express or manage the emotional pain they feel. For someone who has maladaptive coping skills, emotional pain becomes extremely distressing. Knowing that emotional pain tends to last longer and hurt more than physical pain, they change their pain from something they don’t understand to something they can effectively manage. For them, a broken arm is better than a broken heart.

Get your daughter in therapy. Find a doctor (PhD or PsyD, it doesn’t matter which) who is skilled in working with both young girls and self injury. Their experience is key. Ideally, they should use a humanistic approach (commonly known as client-centered therapy) and if they claim to have an eclectic approach, be skeptical and check their credentials. Meet with the doctor first. Interview the doctor way you interviewed her pediatrician when she was an infant.

Hug your daughter. Talk to her. Don’t be angry or upset when she reveals some shocking and painful information, because she most likely will. Communicate communicate communicate. Don’t be afraid to ask your daughter questions. Too many times parents side step serious issues like this because they are afraid that talking about it will only propel the child further. That’s not true. She wants to be heard and understood so give her your time and attention. Talk to her and show her how to effectively manage her emotions. Other people have suggested physical activity and that’s a super great idea.

Its so unfortunate that her mother is acting so blase, regardless of how she really feels. Way to step up for your daughter. You’re a good dad Good luck and Godspeed to you both My thoughts and prayers are with you both

If this is true then you might want to talk to an attorney about getting primary custody of your daughter. There might be many things she’s not telling you about what goes on when she’s living with her mom.

Regardless, my heart goes out to you and your daughter. I’ll keep you both in my prayers and I hope you find her the help she needs. Please don’t minimize her actions because she talks about them in casual ways. It’s good that she feels comfortable enough with you to tell you those things but her actions are an indication that things are not going well in her life….in fact, it’s an indication that things are very wrong.

Good luck and God Bless.
^^ Listen to this one. He’s right and he gives good advice.

About 10% of the population from what I can find. It is a sign that something is wrong, she doesn’t see it that way because it relieves whatever stress or lack of emotion she is dealing with.

Sports or some other form of ‘release’ may not satisfy whatever she is looking for. I would be wary to assume that she never cut herself while at your place. I am sure you are a great father and that somehow if she did cut herself at your place, it would be your fault. You cannot think that way, that will make it worse, make her go into hiding with it so that you don’t feel responsible for her actions.

10% is no where near "fairly common". That’s actually quite rare.
This is a post I made a few years ago. I repost it every now and then when the topic arises. I think you’ll find my words useful.

Yeah I’m interested too

wow. im 20 and ive never had the balls to actually slit them. pretty pathetic considering how miserable and fucked up i am

Nope it just shows that your body is functioning fine, i personally extremely dislike pain most likely just like others, i wouldn’t add additional pain to my already painfull life by doing stuff like that, as i don’t like to get hurt.
She is NOT going to look at you and say, ‘This is a suicide attempt.’.
Then again, if she does ever say that you need to take it seriously.

She needs help. Good talk therapy. Get her Mother on the horn and find out why Mom isn’t taking it seriously.
Ummm, I know how she feels…when I was in highschool(it’s not easy at all for girls developing and we get NO breaks from peer pressure, friends, life, etc, etc..) I also cut myself. It does help in a weird way…I am NOT saying that it is alright nor should she be left alone about it BUT I know how the kid feels, it releases an emotional pain you can’t deal with…and it’s usually b/c they are depressed (i was for years). You get this build up of multiple emotions(usually anger, sadness, insecurities) and the only way to sort them in that state of mind is to physically hurt yourself…it gives a temporary sense of relief, TEMPORARY that being it usually gets to that spot again where you have to do it again…and again and even years down the road

INTERVENE!!! I finally had to breakdown and go on depression medicine and get help from an outside source to help me deal.

For your kids sake (she may be upset with you for getting involved) but in the long run it’s for the best and for her health, happiness and safety!

That’s why she does it. The feelings are unbearable, she can’t express them or tolerate them, cutting is a way of coping as it releases the feelings.

It is an expression of feelings that can’t be verbalised, a physical distraction from the physical sensations of anxiety which are frightening and unpleasant. There is also a release of hormones that helps calm the distress.

She needs help to learn to verbalise her feelings and find healthier ways of coping with distress. Do not give her web links, self harming is common and contact with others via online forums can make things worse due to peer pressure. Do not stop her cutting, it is the only way she has of coping, but get her help to minimise harm until she can stop.

Most kids out grow this habit, meanwhile, other than therapy, lots of cuddles and understanding will go a long way.
My ex had had wrist marks… Turns out she cut herself when she was younger, kinda like a release, she said it started with her parents divorce… She didn’t do it anymore when i was datin her

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First off, I make roughly 2800-3000 per month

Rent for a 2 bedroom apt – 820(includes heat and water)
Electricity – ???
Monthly loan payment – 140
Student loan payment – 100
Food – ~300
Fuel for bike – ~$30
Fuel for car – ??? not much since I rarely drive it
Insurance – $120
Personal care – $40
Bike/car maintenance – $30
Cell phone – $40-50

Im sure im missing vital monthly expenses there. I guess if I could save $1000 per month I would be half-assed happy. Ive never really rented a place before, but I really don’t want roommates. I know I would save a lot of money, but I would not be as happy.

Is this doable for me? My bike is brand new and paid off, my car sucks, but it’s paid for. I have 20k in student loan debt and 4k left to pay on my loan. Am I taking on too much by paying 820 for rent? I don’t use much electricity so I assume that bill might be $50 at the most per month. Maybe a lot less?

I could live with roommates, but I have done it before and I usually end up being confined to my room because I don’t get along well with them. Or they are pigs. They steal your food from the fridge. And generally do stupid shit that just pisses me off. I have social anxieties which makes hanging out with the wrong people absolute torture for me. And note, my roommates were friends of mine before we lived together. So im not sure there is a way around it.

Also, I don’t have a lot of furniture. I have a double bed, a couch, tables. Im sure I could easily spend another $1000 furnishing the apartment.

Would just like opinions here

Oh, and most of my money is tied up in long-term investment funds. I have like 4k in the bank that I can access. And a steady job. My paychecks are $1400 – 1600/bi weekly. I have loads of free time to get a second job if I needed.
I make $12-$1300 a month, live alone in a one bedroom apartment, and put $100 in the savings account every month. I live in Iowa. Unless cost of living is tons higher where you live, I see no reason you couldn’t afford to live on your own.
It’s definitely doable. Why not get a 1br for cheaper?
yeah, unless there is absolute reason you need the extra room a single would be just fine.

the difference is not much it seems. A shithole 1 bedroom is no less than 650. A nice, respectable, newer building with a 2 bedroom is 820. Which works out to just over $2000 per year.

A nice 1 bedroom apt in the same building as the 2 bedroom, is 775. That difference is only 540 per year. I like the extra space. For storage if nothing else.

Cost of living here isn’t terrible. Things cost more than average, I think, but its not insane.
definitely doable, i have roughly the same income and expenses you do and am living quite comfortably on my own.

That’s a lot of $ to me, but it’s nice to have some space too. I’m looking to do the same thing. I’d ideally like my own apt but it’s going to be so much money compared to staying with my parents for free.
Sounds doable…and if you don’t like roommates, don’t do it. I too prefer living alone to living with someone and having to worry about their feelings (or mine when they’re pissing me off). It’s well worth the extra $$ (imo) to live alone. I also think you will be happier with a 2-bedroom as you will be able to get some of your extra shit out the way and feel like you have more room to live.

Plus, if you feel like you could save ~$1000/mo, you could probably easily put away a little less than that for a few months, drop some big payments on your 4k loan and pay that off within 6 months and then have that extra $140 to save/spend/etc.

edit: For budgeting, I (personally) would over-estimate gas and food. For some reason, I always spend more than expected there, plus with gas costs going up, you never know. You also have no miscellaneous or entertainment type costs budgeted in there.
What do houses cost in your area? $820 a month is a lot to just be pissing away, you might be able to get a house for the same amount of money. Something to investigate anyway.

he only has 4000 saved, which isnt enough for a downpayment

buying a house is a huge burden and He should pay his student loans off first before buying a house.

IF he’s in canada, housing prices in certain province are rediculous.

If he could find a smaller house with a second door he could rent the basment out.

But i dont see a problem with you living in a 2 bedroom. And i agree with you my friend lived in a 1 bedroom which was the size of living room + kitchen and one bed/

He moved into a 2 bedroom with a friend same building and it was literally twice the size.

I live in Alberta. ‘Nuff said

There are condos for rent in town, 1600/mth + utilities. its just not cheap to live here.

Im also looking at a basement suite. Might be sorta cool. That is only 650 per mth, utilities included. But its a one bedroom. I go to look at it this evening. Might be a complete dive though.
I looked at the basement suite today. Actually not too bad. Private entrance, utilities all included, 650 per month. Its got it all. Landlord seems like a cool shit too. I dunno. Maybe I will take it. I don’t think I can find a better place.
You should be able to do it, don’t forget cost of gas and water bills unless that’s included in rent. Also, do you have any credit card bills that you have to pay?
Definitely doable. I bring in around 2K/month and have a studio that sets me back 600 or so, plus all my other bills, and I’m not having to scrap by.
make a budget and live by it

i make less than you and was renting a place for the price you will be paying and afforded it fine

once he went up to 1200/month i was out of luck

in a 1br now at 700/month and have no doubt at all that i will be ok. my budget has me saving 300/month and like i said i make much less than you and have similar bills

I don’t have any credit card bills. For an apartment, the only added bill is power. I would change out bulbs and do the easy stuff to cut back. Its easy to keep it low. For a basement suite it is all included in the rent. And then internet I have to pay for and cell phone bill would go up a bit and cable if I got it.

Looking at my average month, I really don’t know what im spending money on. I used to save receipts and enter them, but I gave up on it.

I have organization problems which would be solved if I had space to myself. I used to be really good at budgets, but sort of gave up now because I don’t really have to space to comfortably do it.
Dude I’m a Newfoundlander, are you retarded? 650 for an apartment, SIGN LEASE NOW!!!

You know how much money you can make!

As a Newfoundlander I know more about Alberta then Albertans. We are built to be born here, move there for years to take your money and bring it back to the province. You no’ this.

Rent here is 500 single 600 double. I expect a place in Alberta to be 800+, now I know landlords charge us more because of where we come from.

You have a steal.

You’d be crazy not to take that place.

Well then again, I’m an Industrial Electrician, I’d rent free. No idea what you studied or make.
Also your food bill will go down once you buy a crap load of food…

I’m a Newfoundlander too

Part God eh? Glad to have known ya.

Sihn the lease. Make the mohney. Raise the kids ome’ tho by you dun wan ur kids smokin meth or some cracked out sheet out der in Albera, seriusly doh.
If you want to live in 2bdrm have a car that you rarely drive, why not sell it?
It’d be cheaper to get a rental or Flex/Zip car for the rare occasion you ought to have a four wheeled box.

oh yes by’e!

And I wont sell my car. I wont get enough money for it. Its worth maybe 500 bucks. And what is a zip car? Is that the car that is made in Canada but not sold here? And also, we need cars because sometimes its just not practical to ride the bike

You could just cancel insurance and let it sit maybe? Zipcar/Flexcar is not a vehicle per se. It’s a car share program.
have any money put away? with the way real state is right now you could own and pretty much pay the same month as you would for rent

A trailer park home in his province is capped out at 300k because people were charging more all the time.

Wat you talkin bout Willis?

Don’t sell because you will need it in winter.

Maybe kill the insurance. That’s risky though when you need it, chances are you’re just gonna drive.

I doubt you can get your cellphone bill much more, I worked for Rogers Wireless.

Other then that you’re figures are cut there for you, you will be paying that much every month.

You haven’t included entertainment or anything, but an internet connection includes all that.

Didn’t include net fee. Electricity will be around 100 dollars (liberal figure), Cell phone minutes will be going up so that plan isn’t so good anymore, I recommend VoIP unfortunately.

Yet another interference of private commerce by Government of Canada

Only in Alberta, however they are having a housing crisis and people are just abusing it. 300k is still a lot of money.

I like our part-social government. The benefits almost outweigh the taxes. I don’t have to work for 4-5 months out of the year because of our system. The other months of the year I’m loaded with cash. No complaints besides a shaggy medical system that needs restructuring due to loss of good doctors to the US, which I will admit, however there are still respected doctors here, and we just converted medical from 2.3 bill to 3.2 bill here in Newfoundland, so things are getting better.

That’s just the opposite of rich getting richer at the expense of poor.

The free enterprise rights of estate owners are being tampered with by the poor crying to the communism.ab.gc.ca

People have to work hard to get rich in Canada.

As opposed to a family name permanently being born with the golden spoon in it’s mouth.

That’s off topic though.
Sounds like you should be able to afford a place fine. Just make sure you keep at least 2-3 months rent saved up in case something unexpected happens.
I make (collectively) about 2K/mo, with a $1K/mo rent on a 1bedroom 650 sq ft apartment. You make $3K/mo. Yes, you can afford to live on your own
Well I got accepted for a large 1-bedroom apartment. I wanted two bedrooms, but this place I have is actually quite large. Large bedroom, large dining area, large living area, average size washroom. The kitchen is very small, but I wont complain about that. It also has a decent sized storage room.

Only downside I can see is that it doesn’t have a balcony. Oh well I guess. And no pets. I have a cat, but he will have a good home elsewhere.

Rent is 725/mth + power bills. Heat, water and hot water are included. I will be moving in on the 9th. Coincidently, on my birthday

I hope it goes well
IL+1 for giving up your pet, you couldve tried harder

lol, he will just stay at home with my parents. It was a family pet. Would have loved to take him with me, but couldn’t.

The only place that allows pets are townhouses. They are no less than 925/mth + all utilities

There is not a broad range of options here for places to rent. There is only about 15000 people living here.

You’re going to have to wait and save a bit if you’re going alone, with the way the market is right now. I’m in AB too, so I feel your pain, haha

I’m in Calgary, renting a 1bdrm 650 sq ft apartment for $1000/mo.

Thing is, it was quite ‘reasonably’ priced, when compared to what was available

I don’t get why Calgary is so expensive. Ednmonton is not bad. Fort Crack is just out to lunch. Areas like Cold Lake, Bonnyville and Lloydminster are decently priced. I live in Lloydminster. Jobs are plentiful here but there is also a lot of demand for housing. Just a few years ago a nice townhouse could be had for 600 a month. Now its like 1000.

Im growing sick of this town, but finally I have a decent job so I want to stick it out for a bit. Alberta in general is just a big rat race

calgary is expensive because we have a negative vacancy rate

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Problem is that I never had this done within the 61 days like I was supposed to. Am I going to get a criminal record because of this? Im sure I already have one for the pot possesion, but will this affect me when I want to travel overseas? Keep in mind that im happy never returning to the USA.

The USA is the most anal-retentive country in the world (except maybe Iran) when it comes to marijuana. They’re not going to care.

As for coming here again, you’ll be fine once the statute of limitations expires on your failure to seek therapy.

I doubt its JUST 5 years, border guards have separate records, and even if pardoned they don’t remove that record… I doubt you will ever beable to cross into the United States ever again.
Fuck the US government. If you don’t come here, no worries. As to your legal problems in Canada… call an attorney.
Posession of a plant? What were you thinking? Instead you should have bombed the crap out of Afghanistan and increased opium production by umpteen percent. That’s how you get into the "good" books.

What legal problems in canada? I’ve been busted 4 times with weed in canada. They just put me in the car, take my weed, search the car briefly, then let me go.

This experience has taught me how much the USA cares about drug control as opposed to how canada cares. Here, we don’t care if you have a small amount, the gov’t only wants to go after growers, dealers, etc. And we do a good job of it sometimes. However in the states, I cross with a small amount, they transport me in gas guzzling gov’t suv’s to the country jail and feed me while im there, for free. I just don’t get it. How much does the usa care about pot possesion? Im only scared because a maximim sentence for this can be 2 years in jail and I don’t want them coming after me, but at the same time, I really just don’t care to clean up my american criminal record.
If you like Canada, you should try England sometime. If the cops see you smoking a joint, all they can do is make you put it out on the sidewalk.

You think Canada would allow extradition? You think the US would attempt to extradite you?

over this incident? I would believe not….?
So you have no legal problems in Canada. You’re not concerned about extradition. You have no intention to return to the United States. And you do not believe that you have a substance abuse problem.

What exactly then are you concerned about?

I think he’s concerned about having a criminal record pop up should he want to travel abroad.

If he’ws ever been convicted of a misdemeanor or felony in Canada he may be denied entry to other countries aside from the USA. He already knows he won’t be allowed entry into the USA and clearly the OP is not worried about that.

To the OP: have you been tried and convicted of any crime? And yes, possession of weed is technically a crime in Canada even if most of the cops here don’t give two shits about it.

Sorry, thread update:

Ive been convicted of pot possession in Canada. But I think the judge was trying to scare me by saying it. This happened about 8 months ago here in Canada and last week I got a criminal record check and its clean on all 4 counts. Nothing to report at all. So based on this I can get my visa and travel freely. Or so im told by a lawyer. So I think its all good.

As for the USA, yea, who knows. I don’t hate USA or its people. I just hate it’s gov’t and its policies. Enough so that I never want to return. My lawyer told me that no one in the US administration will care enough about my charge to pursue it.
thanks for the awesome advice. But I hardly consider marijuana a drug.

It doesn’t matter what you consider it. All that matters is what the government considers it.

the law differs with your views on that and considers marijuana a drug. Wanna keep your nose clean? Don’t smoke it. Sorry.

The Rock says…

IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!!
Fine enough. But fact is that I already got busted and whats done is done. Saying that to me now doesn’t help.

BTW, I no longer smoke marijuana but im sure it wont matter to the US gov’t. Perhaps I could talk to a lawyer to see if I can get the counseling now and return to the US later. But I will see what the future holds for me

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but now that i have a God daughter, just how happy she gets when i give her a stuffed animal, toy, or just spending time with her or doing something nice for her makes me the happiest i ever been in my life, and it stays with me, and its not fleeting…when im down, i just look at a picture of her on my cell phone with a teddy bear i gave her, and things dont seem so bad…its really the only that has ever made me truely happy.

ok, im done…wow that was really gay
Life.

I mean come on. Life can be great if you actually put forth effort to make it wonderful, and I’ve made mine wonderful. Everything in it is great, even the problems.
Money and sex are definetly up there.
Working on my car.
Kicking back and having some beers with friends i haven’t seen in awhile.
Going to the gym for a little bit to excercise.
Cigarette after a long day.
If a girl likes me thats always a huge happiness and confidence booster.

there’s always a lot of bad floating around i try not to think about it too much focusing on the happier aspects definetely helps mood and overall perception;
Reading/learning about and discussing economics and philosophy, my boyfriend, sex, wearing a really hot outfit and feeling confident, seeing something so breathtaking it feels like time has stopped, kittens, chocolate, Disney World, and daisies.
There’s a lot more, and a lot of things that make me sad too, but those were the ones that stuck out the most
Being around my friends and family when we’re just all in the moment is wonderful.

I’m also usually very happy when I’m in love.
What makes me happy is waking up next to a beautiful girl and giving her a kiss and watching her wakeup.

At least nothing has ever made me as happy as that..

When im grappling that’s another
life
people who are who they say they are
spending some QC (quality time) alone
having an SO/more friends to hang out with (which i have niether)
eating healthy
exercising (not the gym tho)
not drinking/doing any drugs (this ones gettin bigger as i meet more ppl that do)
going new places (alone especially its cool with ppl too tho)
having money to spend
keeping my own personal economy (and we all have one if u think about it) going
keeping my car running like it was the day i bought it
buying stuff i know i’l use
thats it (unless i think of something else i’l add)
EDIT: and good thread idea

whatever…you’re a hot as fuck, of course your life is great. You don’t count.
little bro

even tho helping him with hw takes forever and he never really seems to get it and he is really lazy to think at all

he is still the funniest kiddo i know, makes me laugh a lot and is really sweet, sometimes more than me

=)

My life was shit a few years ago. Me being somewhat attractive hasn’t gotten me anything really. I’m just happy to be alive when friends my age have already passed away.

Shutttupppp

god

I hate the cliche "Life makes me happy" crap..

You know! – C’mon now!

life sucks you should know this by now! heh

sorry to hear about your friends…how did you make the transition from shit life, to loving life?

.
there’s a lot of stuff that makes me happy:

setting and achieving goals i’ve set for myself
new experiences
helping others/teaching
a genuine kind act towards me
spending time with friends and family
quality alone time
being silly and acting like a kid again
learning new things about myself, life and the world around me
knowing that i have the power to change
talking about the goofiest things as well as serious topics
cartoons, funny movies, jokes…laughing in general
puppies

and many many other things

No man, I am thankful every day that I am alive. When you have a lot of death around you you learn to respect life.

It was a tough few years. I was severly depressed and hated myself, the whole nines. However I wanted to stay positive, I mean I wanted to fight to be happy again because my life was great prior to all the shit and the sudden death of my best friend, other friend and uncle. I just got my shit together. I once had thoughts of killing myself, but feeling the hurt of my friends nd seeing how it made me and other friends/family feel I knew I could never do that-on top of the fact that life can be great if you put in some work.

So lets see. I got on medication, only had a little bit of therapy. Went to the gym 5 days a week. Once I felt more confident about myself I started going out and trying new things. Joined some clubs in college and met new people tat I really liked. Got a new job where I met even more people my age that I liked hanging out with. The rest if history pretty much. I changed my attitude, my life and the people in it. I’ve fought hard for everything I’ve received, but it’s been totally worth it.

Start of with exercising, eating healthy and 7-8 hours a sleep/night.
This will do wonders for your physical AND MENTAL health.
You are what you eat.
Educate yourself, doesn’t have to be in a class, schools and colleges isn’t for everyone.
Find a passion and set goals for your life, and set them high. When it comes to finding out what you want to do; think more with your heart and less with your brain. I think that most people have a gut feeling what they want to do with their life, but people around them, fears and other obstacles are keeping them back.
Focus on the positive things in life, think of things that you are grateful for.
Don’t dwell of things that you can’t change and only change if you want to, don’t do it for someone else. If someone doesn’t like you for who you are, there is always another 7 billion people that you can make friends with.

In my own experience, i hit rock bottom and i got fed up with my life and i decided to change it. So pain was my drive out of misery.
I like setting goals and achieving them. It makes me happy when I help someone, and their life ends up improving significantly.

My family and friends — when they tell me how good they feel about me being apart of their lives, or that they enjoy various things I say or do for them — that also makes me happy.
The knowledge that I am blessed with health, wealth, and prosperity. Many people in this world are starving, beaten, ignored and underprivileged and still aren’t as miserable as some millionaires in this country.

I recommend the book "Become a Better You" by the popular preacher Joel Osteen. It really lays out a great foundation for people to be happy with themselves and to realize many facts that most people overlook or take for granted.
"I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful life…"

I LOVE my life Even after all the shit, and even when it sucks, even on the days when I just want to go back to bed until that crappy day is over, I love being alive and having my family and friends around me. Things that make me genuinely happy:

*Camping with my family. I love them
*Hanging out with my dad- especially going fishing with him. We have such an awesome relationship now. His sobriety is my greatest blessing.
*Bonfires on the beach with my oldest friends in the middle of summer
*My faith in God
*New flip-flops, Frisbee and cookouts
*Christmas eve
*Waking up to a kiss on the forehead from my bf
*Going to the drive-in with my best friend and horking down a cheese pizza and a pack of smokes with her.
*Staying up all night with my friend Rob- having a few drinks, jammin’ all night and writing songs.
*My best friend- another very big blessing. We’ve been inseparable for almost 12 years and no one in the world makes me laugh as hard as she does. A life without her would be like a life without water.
*Rock climbing
*Dancing
*My boyfriend. He’s so smart, has the kindest heart and I can be 100% myself around him. If I could live 1,000 lives, I’d live them all with him.
*Summer thunder storms
*Going to the zoo
*My 3 year old God daughter- best sense of humor of any person I’ve meet so far.
*Moon lit walks in the winter right after is snows.
*4th of July with my besties. No better time of the year.
*Reading a good book on a rainy day.
*Going on trips with the BF.
*Turtles & frogs. I dunno why, but seeing them always make me smile
*The way it smells before it rains

I could go on and on really, but that would be a huge list

im with beer here.
being in the ocean/surfing
playing baseball
being with friends
being right

Oh, I should also add that I saved up every paycheck (was broke too) to take two different trips to places I had always wanted to go. Those trips were the best things I’ve ever done.

ohhhh

That’s what I should do!

Definitely. I first took a trip to Yosemite. Not only was it by far the most beautiful place I have/ever will go, but it was so insanely serene and peaceful I literally came back a calmer person. People who live/work there tell you those who go are different people after being there, and I understand why.

Second was all over Europe. Best trip of my life. I can’t wait to go back. There’s nothing better than experiencing a million different cultures before your eyes and adjusting to them and realizing how different we all can be but still the same.

I cant tell you how immensely satisfying it is to to take a trip that you’ve always dreamed about and were able to save up for yourself. I just put a chunk of paycheck into an account every month for them.

did you go by yourself? i love traveling, i try setting up trips with friends but they either broke, in school, or just starting there careers and dont have the time to take off.
vacations. Work, friends, women, all that stressed me out. I recently went to Sonoma, drank wine all day, ate food all day, and posted up on a mountain and enjoyed stepping away from everything in my life for a moment, and drank some of the wine who’s grapes were growing in the hills beneath my feet. It was awesome to stroll through the vineyard with a glass worthth 98 points, and not want to be anywhere else.

Maybe when I get the turbo motor swap done in the miata I’ll enjoy going to the track again. Right now it really stresses me out.

Yosemite I had 2 friends come along. Europe I went all by myself and it was strangely better IMO. Because I got to do and see whatever I wanted to do/see. Traveling is the best. Going on a cruise in April for a week. Hopefully back to Europe or maybe Australia next year.

Australia is DOPE!!! the food is awesome, i highly recommend it. i’m planning a trip to Brazil, Jamaica, or Canada this year, all depends on how much i save up.

Meh, the only place in Canada worth visiting in Vancouver. I’d definitely check out Brazil. Jamaica is seriously insane, but if you like pot you will have a great time.

I can’t wait to go to Australia. Thanks to my trip to Europe I know a handful of Australians willing to let me stay with them for free.

I want to sex your face for this statement.
Happiness =

THIS IS THE JUDGEMENT OF THE RIGHTEOUS.
Eating. The reason I’m obese and not expecting myself to live past 30.

Are you serious?

You are so tiring.

I would say that women make me happy. Not just to piss people off, but because it’s true.

ok…sorry I appreciate the bigger picture.

you should never apologize for what you believe in

I don’t think she was apologizing. Sarcasm 101.

Snowboarding in Whitefish when the clouds are over the lake below. All you can see in the distance is other peaks as you are above the cloudline. The trees have this snow on them that make them sag and look like angels (A feature unique to this specific area) the air is still and it’s perfectly silent save for the sound of your board gliding on the champagne powder. Unreal.

Kayaking/canoeing.

Camping.

The first month in a relationship while everything’s still new.

Anything with friends/family.

Waking up early on Saturday in the summer. Nice weather and the sun’s already up at 7am and I make up some good coffee, cook a traditional eggs, bacon, etc… breakfast, get the paper and sit in my sunporch in my boxers and robe, crank up something like The Stooges/Velvet Underground/Sonic Youth and people watch. Only thing to make this better is said new girlfriend in a tight tanktop and boyshorts next to you.
Anytime I get in a state of "flow" where everything just seems to click. Also, breaking through a huge barrier or achieving a big goal.

The first warm day after winter is finally over. (should be happening soon)

I’ll just go ahead and agree to disagree.

Obviously when you’re in the moment of a big problem life feels like shit. I’ve just learned to really look at tehe positive to get out of said problem as quick as possible.

Find positives in a murder and you win a pretty damn big prize. Just for starters….

Things can be shitty, and not have any positives what so ever…

Edit: If you need to find justification in something to put it past you, so be it… but I find those people that go looking for reasons to look past what actually happened just can’t even cope with the problem in the first place. That’s okay, sometimes things are just so ridiculous that these mechanisms are necessary for some people, and I understand it…. but lets not forget what they actually are.

But…I haven’t murdered anyone, nor do I plan to. If someone close to me was murdered than obviously I would be devastated, but I’d still try to get through it in a healthy manner and still appreciate my life. When my best friend was killed I was a wreck for a long time, but I got through it and still appreciated my life more than ever.

I don’t see why you would fight me on how I feel about life…

I’m not fighting anything, but I just don’t agree with that statement. It’s a discussion board afterall…

It wasn’t up for discussion though…it was me stating how I feel about life, lol.
Vacations, especially to the West
Getting up at 3AM and hiking 20 miles

At least he was murdered quick! Right??!!!111!!11

I think you’re missing the whole concept behind a discussion forum. If you don’t want comments, save it for your journal.
My Family – I am constantly reminded of how much they mean to me and how much better my life is having them in it.
My Friends – People i can just be me around without fear of being judged, people who make me happy because they actually want me around.
My Car – I can be having the worst day of my life, a drive in my car with the top down will put everything into perspective and cheer me up.
Myself – When i get really down, when i feel like i am the biggest looser in the world, a voice in my head kicks on and yells at me for being such a bitch. I remind myself of the things in my life that are wonderful, and i remind myself that there is alot to be thankful for.

You seem quick to judge people on the forum, any particular reason? It would seem most people have been compassionate to your needs up to this point. Just an observation.

I’m not judging anyone. I’m also not saying I’m right or wrong… but if I don’t agree on something I’ll sure say something. It’s the internet, not a Kumbaya circle. No worries, I’ll be gone in a month anyways as that’s when my sub runs out. If you don’t like something, I suggest you flag a mod over and let them take care of it.

positive in murder? I’m sure the murderer is happy, and there might be someone who really didnt like that person and wanted to kill them but didnt have the balls, so they might be happy too…if the murderer gets caught, the police officer who catches him gets recognition, i’m sure the funeral home, the casket/flower companies, and the coroner appreciate the extra cash in there pockets. where’s my prize!

for some brains, it’s easier if you view things in terms of black and white absolutes.
playing baseball. i don’t think anything makes me happier

eh…im sure its a time saver.

gosh i didn’t realize that

Why does that make you numb? Playing music makes alot of people really happy
Coming home from the gym, scoring high on my tests, being liberal with the gas pedal, traveling/discovering new places and cultures for myself, getting messages from a date telling me what a great time she had (!), discovering music I’d missed out on, figuring out a new way to play different songs on the guitar… you know, shit like that
Spending quality time with my kid’s
Being in a very loving and healthy relationship
Being a great nurse and helping people out
Being the best friend to the people I care about
Basically life in general
Nothing really, or it’s really fleeting and not usually worth noting.

Closest I think to happy I seem to get now is reading up on new things, but that turns into more of an obsession than happiness.
hmm happiness for me

improving myself – whether its beating a personal record or accomplishing goals i’ve set for myself, the feeling of accomplishment can turn any bad day into a good one.

sleeping – I love it

making money – money make the world go round

traveling
Grilling some food
Picking up old electronics from the junkyard and bashing the shit out of them with a sledge hammer
Shrooms
Shooting beer bottles with a BB gun
Kittens
Illegal fireworks
Yelling "get a job!" from my car at pedestrians
Truckstop restaurants
Chopping down trees

Thanks…I needed a good laugh.
Just being alive makes me happy as fuck.
Seeing a beautiful woman.
Talking to a beautiful woman.
Flirting with that beautiful woman.
Playing computer games.
Going to the gym.
Playing sport.
Work.
Friends.
Sleeping.
Breathing.
Silence.
Food.
Life.

Also a good time is rolling around the ghetto mall parking lot until you see some kids in a car smoking pot, then rolling up next to them, pointing at them and screaming. Not words, just "AHHHHH!" with a frightened look on my face until they drive away.

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