Another part of the issue is my twin sister, and moving back in with her. She’s super successful, is doing college, and working a great job at Aflac. She’s never lived on her own, so she wouldn’t understand that the economy sucks.

She’s one of main the sources of my lack of confidence. She was ready for kindergarten before I was, so I had to go all throughout school with the "Better" twin being a grade ahead of me. My family would always be like "Why can’t you be more like your sister?" She got a car way before I did, she got a job way before I did, she’s always had a lot more friends, even if they are a bunch of lame squares, and she never lets me live any of it down.

My sister is assertive and good at memorizing things, and she has a strong work ethic. I’m passive, forget things all the time and rarely feel motivated.

I can have an intelligent conversation, stay calm in situations, and never freak out about anything. She still has jumping and screaming fits, sees the world to be about nothing other than herself and freaks out over everything. She screams bloody murder whenever she stubs her toe.

She made good grades and all the teachers liked that she made them, but thought she was kind of a bitch. I made bad grades and the teachers were my best friends.

She listens to Panic at the Disco, I listen to Tool. Etc etc etc

She LOVES the fact that she does better than I do, and she rubs it in my face every time I see her. Just the thought of passing her in the hallway and watching her smirk at me, the failure who had to move back in with mom makes my stomach hurt.

My landlord / roommate told me I can stay as long as I want and he won’t kick me out, but I don’t want to be a freeloader and abuse his hospitality. I made up my mind about moving back if I don’t find anything.

Is it really that bad?
I’m about to move to LA from Austin this weekend.

I feel that I would be more of a failure to myself if I didn’t give it a shot. If I had to move back because of no choice, at least I gave it a shot.

You gave it a shot. That’s all you could ask of yourself. You are not a failure for taking a chance.

And don’t compare yourself to anyone.

I had a friend who moved across the country and he was scared of failing….basically because a few people told him that if things didn’t work out he failed. I basically told him that many people wouldn’t have the balls to up and move and start all over in a new state.
yes it is a failure, but you learn far more from failures than you do successes. If you need to, move home, learn from your failure, and continue on.
also, it took a lot of bravery and risk to do what you did. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, that’s the nature of life. Failure or no, it’s still better that you did it than if you hadn’t
No dude.

I graduated in 2003 and had been living away from home since then. In January of 08 I moved back home while I saved up a little bit more to buy a condo. I was 28…

… and then I got laid off and ended up not buying the condo and I still live at home. lol

But I’m moving out in the next week or two
The problem is you are comparing yourself to your twin sister, the problem also is that your family is comparing you to your sister.

YOU ARE YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE!!!.

How about bringing the power of your life back where it belongs? Namely in YOUR HANDS. If you allow others and yourself to compare yourself to your twin sister or to anyone, you just become an emotional soccerball for others to play with.

Its like this. YOU work on YOUR life, and your sisters works on her life.

Right? So that means you are responsible for your own succes in life. So start defining yourself , EARN YOUR OWN SUCCES and anything what you recieve in life. Instead of comparing yourself, because while you are looking over the fence on how the grass is ‘greener’ somewhere else, you are neglecting your own grass that has become black and rotton. STOP LOOKING OVER THE FENCE TOWARDS OTHER GARDENS!.

Tend to your own garden and make your own grass green. And things will improve for you.
If your landlord is fine for you to stay and won’t kick you out, then why not give yourself just a little bit longer than a month?

I wouldn’t see it as a failure to move back home, more that it just didn’t work out. It took balls to move away in the first place.

It’s easier said than done but you need to stop comparing yourself to your sister.
shit happens you have to do what you have to do. and if your sister has never lived on her own she has no say in anything what so ever so who cares.
Well, it looks like you’ve run out of options, so you’re going to have to move back home. At least you got out and tried to live your life. Use the opportunity to save some money and set a goal for yourself to be able to move out as soon as you can. Find a job and get an apartment when you feel that you can make rent. Your sister is trying to inspire you through competition. As much as you may hate it, she is a great source for advice as far as career and ambition goes.
offtopic here but alexqzilla, that username text is hilarious.

She feeds on her own ego. She can’t wait for me to fail and come back.
Look you need to stop caring about being a faillure or not, you have to try to make the most out of your life, you start living for yourself while helping others on the way. Its YOUR life, you get those grades on school for who? For yourself, not for your mom , not for your sister, but because you work on behalf of YOUR life. Stop caring about what others think of you.

Even tho you are twins, you walk your own path in life.

Beat her up like a good brother should do

While what you say is true, this is the stuff I routinely bullshit myself with that I can only tell myself so many times. I want to believe it deep down, but I don’t know how. I did poorly everywhere my twin succeeded, and there’s no way around that to me.
Its because you have been brainwashed by your family up till the point that it has become a self forfilling prophecy. Both you and your sister do the same math test.

you: Omg my sister always wins,i can’t win i might as wel give up.
her: Ha, im going to win and do everything to beat my twin.

My friend, there is no honour in giving up, in the above example its clear that your twin sister is going to win, the question is why? The answer is:

Because the power of your will has no ambition to feed it. Nor a need to CRUSH your opponent/obstacles that lie in your path.

There’s nothing ‘magical’ about your sister, its YOUR ATTITUDE that needs correcting.

You basically have ‘nothing’ in terms of past gained successes to support yourself on, which has brought your confidence to an all time low. NOT ANYMORE!.

You are going to have a DO or DIE attitude, anyone who says you can’t do it including yourself may burn in hell, if a person doesn’t support you in your life, tell them to get the hell away from you, even if its family. You don’t
need people who bring negativity in your life, the people who say you can’t , you won’t , and will never succeed.

How can a seed grow if there’s a person constantly stamping the seed back into the ground? Its impossible. A plant needs good circumstances to grow. It needs good soil, water,sunlight and all kinds of productive growing factors.

Your family isn’t , they should never have compared you with your twin sister, you should have been loved for the person who you are, stop allowing them to mold you into your twin sister, you are not her, never will be, and glad to it. Because it means you are the one in control of your own destiny.

Your life may either be a succes/screwed , but it will be defined by YOUR HANDS ,and not by someone else. You should never allow others that power.

Start defining your life, and Stop saying you can’t, you CAN TOO!. There’s nothing extra ordinairy about your sister that you cannot achieve. With Hard work you can beat her.
I have failed on so many levels more than either of my sisters. i’ve worked really hard on getting over caring about what other people think.

I’m finally living life for my self, not what i thought my parents wanted me to be or do. I own a very small business, but it gets me bye, and I am beholden to none. and i had to move back in with mom and dad for a while when i first got it started.

Success as defined by American society and media is not the meaning of life. Its happiness. Material possessions may make some people happy, others its like chasing the dragon: bigger house, better car, hotter wife, etc.

If you can identify yourself and find happiness, the real meaning of life, you’ll be fine no matter what happens, and then you can really start to experiment and fail your way forward.
check out "the art of happiness". best book i’ve ever read. changed my life. took me from one of the the darkest places i’ve been personally and brought me to new levels of personal satisfaction.

100% agreed.

My sister is KINDA like this, not a lot but a bit, and I gave her shit for it. But in the end I moved out too, only about 30 km away tho and so far its been 4 months and I find that (from my parents) she is envious of me and I think it’s great to rub it in her face too. From here on in I’m only hoping to improve…

If you have an option of staying at your apartment to look for a job, do it… If all fails try getting 2 part time jobs? Not sure how much your rent is or what not.

I never hit her back until we were 17, then I broke her jaw with a "Suppressed Rage" punch. Haven’t hit her since.

I’ve been looking for a part time job for months, and I can’t keep abusing his hospitality. I’m giving myself until the end of September.

You’re right, I just need to believe it for myself.

I wasn’t being serious. Don’t beat up your sister. They’re only annoying when they’re young.

Only fools believe, wise men know for sure.

I give advice based on facts. I don’t give advice based on beliefs. That’s why you should accept these things for facts into your life its not some hocus pocus. Again as i said there is no magic to it. You can beat your sister based on cold hard facts, like you should.

LOL a smack on the head to let her know her place wouln’t hurt

I was also being serious though.

I find that females like to cross boundaries sometimes, this is one of them. She isn’t respecting you. If my sister run her mouth off in my presence I’d let her know I’m not tolerating it, if she ignores it, then it’s not my problem anymore.
It’s all easy to say but fuck, man, she’s getting her masters in marketing and her bachelor’s in English and all I have is a GED with hopes to start at a community college soon
In life, you will always be able to find someone that’s doing better than you in whatever area you’re comparing. I guarantee you that if you had a bachelors you say, well I don’t have a masters, if you have a masters, you’d say, well I don’t have a doctorate, if you have a doctorate, you’d say well I’m not making $X or living in Y neighborhood or not a member of Z country club or whatever.

Look eventually you’ll have to realize it’s futile to compare yourself to others because all it does is make us depressed and feel like failures. However, this comparison is a choice. You may not think it is but it totally is. Change what you focus on.

Also, why go back to Georgia? If the economy is crap in Cali (something which I highly doubt) go to somewhere else. Move around till you find a job. You likely want to move back home with mom because it would be easier and you’re lazy. This laziness is one reason why your sister is accomplishing more than you. However, you can push yourself to not be lazy and start accomplishing things yourself.

The choice is yours? Do you really want to go through life as a victim?

I in no way want to move back in with my mom because life is too hard and I’m too lazy to deal with it. I want to continue to stay out here and work my ass off and be a functional member of society. I’m doing all I can to find a new job out here, but I can’t keep stacking up rent debt no matter how motivated I am. I had a lot of shit going on when we were kids, and she pulled ahead of me fast, and stayed there. Quit pretending that failure is always the result of laziness, it’s not. I was working full time and going to school until I had to leave my job.

This post is inconsistent with your original post when you said:
"I’m passive, forget things all the time and rarely feel motivated. "

I don’t flip out at people, panic, start yelling and make a scene, and yeah, I rarely feel the motivation to do a lot of things because they feel hopeless, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t force myself to try.

Fair enough and perhaps I was a bit too harsh on you. I apologize for that but I don’t think moving back home would be healthy for you. It might be necessary but if there’s anyway to avoid it, even if it means moving to a different town with jobs, that would be better IMO than moving back home.

Related posts:

1. sometimes I feel like I need to pack up and move to the other side of the continet Like I haven’t been living because I’ve never lived anywhere...
2. I’m in a tough spot in life v.feel like a failure I don’t really know what to go, where to do,...
3. Gf wakes up, but temporarily can’t move I got out of the shower on Saturday morning and...

I just went on a great vacation in the San Francisco / Sonoma, and I can’t stop thinking about that part of the world. However, I know it will be difficult to make enough money to get by there. It might actually be worth it to be around new types of people.

I’m 27-years old, and I feel static like I don’t have much of a future aside from doing the same shit over and over, year by year, while living in one part of the world. I feel particularly like I’ve been meeting the exact same woman, over and over for the past decade, regardless of how I alter my behavior…which probably means I’m not altering my behavior, lol.

Is all this crap illogical?

Spent my whole life living outside the Washington D.C. area. Went to visit Yosemite and Tahoe on vacation 5 years ago, moved to Tahoe 6 months later. Im pretty damn happy about the decision.
I have that urge too, and I just moved to Rochester, NY last September. Now I’m moving to a small town an hour away for an engineering internship. I’m excited about it but also a little worried since it is a town of 6,000 people. Not sure what I’m gonna do with my free time over, especially meeting people my age (20s).
I moved from N. Idaho to Georgia 5 years ago.

A move is refreshing, though hard. Go for it. Worst that can happen is you decide to move back, right?

Arent you close to the Adirondacks? Should be tons of fun up there if you like outdoors.
I’d feel that way if I lived in Texas

But seriously, I’m from California and I cant wait to move back one day. As Led Zeppelin says, "the West is the best!" But I also live in Florida now and love it. I personally can’t stand Texas, Oklahoma, and I could never actually live in New Orleans.

I’d say think about it if you actually had the money and knew what you would do there for work.
I’ve lived in CA most of my life, but have moved around a lot. I spent about a year in Florida and didn’t like it much. I mean I had a blast and all, but I had never felt so home sick before.

The first time I traveled alone I went to Pennsylvania and Ohio. I could see myself living there and also North Carolina and Maine.

Sometimes change is good, but be sure that you’re running to and not away from something.
I would love to move out of Texas…not because I hate the state [I love it here] but because I feel like I need a huge change in my life. I hate the feeling of stagnation.

I agree. I feel like i know everyone here. I want to be in a new culture. Its like you grow up wherever because that’s where your parents decided to raise you, once you grow up, you need to pick a location / culture with what you’ve become.

Exactly! I adore the culture here in Texas, I do….but even if it’s just to another city in TX, I need a new atmosphere. I can’t wait till I can save up enough money to move….
DO NOT move to Marin/Sonoma. I can assure you of this.

I’m a graduate of a HS in that area. Look at my location, i’m long gone.

I don’t miss it nor would I even move back if I had the chance to.

SF is cool if you have that kinda money. My friends there like it.
Dissatisfaction with your situation isn’t always a bad thing. The people who don’t feel it (or bloack it out) wind up doing the same thing because it’s easy. It’s not very fulfilling though.

If shit isn’t to your liking, change it! It’s a pain in the ass butit sure beats feeling like you’re suffocating. I know – I flipped my whole life upside-down about a year and a half ago.

It was early 2006. I was pretty well established in a good (if not great) job. My setup was not bad in its own modest way. I had plenty of cash – bills were always paid with no trouble and I had plenty of play money too (perhaps too much – I didn’t realize how much I was spending until I started saving for the move ).

Even with the financial situation, I just wasn’t happy. I liked my job but I couldn’t see it being a career for a number of reasons. One, there were other things I’d rather be doing. Two, I had pretty much maxed my earning potential at that company. So I decided to change it.

So here I am. 2200 miles from where I was and starting over. It isn’t easy – right now I’m temping for an embarrassingly small wage while I try to forge a new career. Believe me, living with no buffer cash is fucking scary. I don’t even care about the spending money so much. All the same I’m trying. I know I’d hate myself if I were still coasting at my old job. Things are starting to happen, so hopefully the money will come soon.
Hmm…I’ve thought about living in different parts of the country and in fact, I might move. But you know, moving simply to satisfy "The Grass is Greener" syndrome is kinda silly to me. I mean living anywhere has it’s positives and negatives.

But you travel a lot with your job so perhaps you have more data on these other locations than I do. I dunno, if I’m moving anywhere, it’s either to Denver or Dallas.
I moved to NC from NH on a snap decision with $600 to my name. I stayed with a friend for a while, and then met my now husband. If I hadn’t made that snap decision to move my life would be entirely different. I wouldn’t be financially stable, I wouldn’t be married and I certainly wouldn’t be getting ready to try having a baby. I’d at most be a hair dresser living in an over-priced apartment in a boring ass town.
You only have one life. Do what you feel compelled to, just have some sort of back up plan (even if it’s living in your grandma’s basement) just in case you decide you don’t like it or everything goes wrong. You never know what’ll happen or how it can change your life until you do it.
I say do it.

Related posts:

1. Am I a failure if I move back in with mom? I moved to California from Georgia about a year ago,...
2. Is the entree really not as good without something on the side? I’ve been with my g/f for 3+ years now. She...
3. i feel like a child at 27-years old When I’m talking to women, I feel like a child...

Basically the girl I got pregnant in December is having twins (just found out they’re fraternal, not identical) and I do not want a relationship with her. Fuck, I’m not even close to being ready to have kids. I feel like I’m just getting started in life and can barely take care of myself and now two kids are on their way being born out of wedlock.

She has no family here whatsoever. I have my Mom, brother, and sister. We’ve talked about moving in together but that isn’t really an option anymore. I’m still talking to another girl, who knows about this girl being pregnant, and I have rather strong feelings for her. So the preggo woman is still on the fence about moving to California where her family is. So am I just going to be a source of income and not have a chance to be a father because of her decision? Kind of fucked up IMO……which is why I told her to have a fucking abortion in the first place. She’s totally against that……..which I can’t really blame her in a way, but when it’s an ABSOLUTE mistake and you and this person were NEVER serious whatsoever, it should definitely BECOME an option.

Fuck, I don’t know what else to say. Let me hear what you folks think and I’ll answer whatever I can.
well that sucks. get a paternity test and you might not have to have a relationship with her ever.

but really you gotta grow up, in a hurry. who knows in a few years you may be happy to have those little bundles of joy.

if she moves though, thats just fucking wrong and evil in my book… at least if you are trying to be a dad….

like in juno

girls know the baby once its inside them; men dont know the baby until its born and they see it
You’re in the same position me and my boyfriend are in. In our case the chick that got preggo was a fuck buddy and completely insane. We found out she was pregnant about a month into our relationship [she was about six weeks at that point]. I ended staying with him and it’ll be two years on St Patty’s Day for us.

It’s hard, man. I’m not gonna lie, and that’s from the "other woman" point of view. I wish she had had an abortion but that’s just me being petty. If it’s not an option for her, then don’t push it.

It is kind of fucked up that if she moves you won’t have a chance to be there for the kids like it seems you want to….but it’s also your own damn fault for having kids out of wedlock. It wasn’t your decision to not have an abortion, but it was your decision to stick your dick in her.

Have fun with the child support payments. Going through court is a bitch.

All in all, man…. I know what you’re going through.

I just spoke with the girl I’m with now more about it and she’s being completely cool about it letting me know that it IS my situation and not hers and that it won’t affect us. Even though if we are together as long as you and your boyfriend have been I am sure she will be fine with the kids.

I also have a feeling that she thought she was going to "trap" me with this shit…which really shouldn’t be surprising.

I’m not 100% sure how child support works if she moves out of state but if she stays here I will get 50% and can deal with the rest. Hopefully I’ll get to be there for my children but I have a feeling she’s going to bolt to California.

this.

I suppose the mom-to-be could consider giving up the babies. But if she doesn’t want to do that, I don’t blame her at all for considering moving back with her family. You’re already concerned about the next woman, not about the life changing event that is about to take place, and want no relationship with the mom. That sounds kind of selfish to me. She’s going to need a lot of help – one baby is a lot of work, two means no sleep ever for a single parent.

It’s unfortunate that you are in this situation where you have no say, but you helped get yourself here. You’re going to be responsible for these two children now before any others whose conception is planned and wanted.

I’m sorry if that sounds harsh.
Ok.

First and foremost, it’s time to grow up. You made a choice and the consequence of that choice ended up in pregnancy. Now you have to deal with that consequence.

You sound like the type of father that isn’t going to be involved in his kids lives, so her moving to California to be near her family IS probably in the best interest of her children.

But as their father, you need to take up your responsibility and take care of your kids. No, there is no way you should move in with this girl at all. You aren’t happy together, and you are into the other girl anyway. There is NO shame in not getting with the mother of your kids, so LONG as you always put your kids first and take your responsibility for them.

don’t be a fucking deadbeat. If she moves to California, then figure out how visitation is going to work, because you would be a real piece of shit if you had nothing to do with your kids. Man up, and take responsibility. Don’t leave a couple of kids with issues about why their father doesn’t want anything to do with them. Do you have any idea how HARD that is on them?

As for child support, each state has a calculator for it. It’s mainly based on what YOUR income is and what HER income is. Other things factor into it, like if you are paying for their insurance that’ll reduce it slightly. That kind of thing. In my case, I have two kids, and my child support is roughly 28% of my NET (not gross) income. No, that’s not how they calculate it, but it’ll give you an idea of what you’ll be paying.

Encourage her (your pregnant girl), be there for her while she is pregnant (regardless of the issues between you), and NEVER EVER forget that she is the mother of your children. What happens to her affects YOUR kids. Remember that.

In short, it’s time to stop whining about abortions and her moving, and grow up. It’s also time to figure out what would be the BEST for your kids as far as location is concerned. And finally, SUPPORT your fucking kids and be in their lives. Else, you’re just like every other deadbeat out there.
Honestly, I don’t have any sympathy in this situation at all if you two didn’t go out of your way to not have her pregnant. You know, contraceptives.

But as it goes, you’ll more then likely end up paying for child support if you’re claiming yourself as father of these children and no, you don’t have to sign their birth certificate as father of the child. You should probably get a paternity test just in case she’s been screwing with other people. After you get the results then you can sign it but let me tell you, it’s going to be legally binding.

You should probably sit down and talk to her about the options that are out there and have her think about her situation right now. Like, does she have a good job? Can she support herself and two children, even with the child support that you may be paying? Will she be able to make ends meet plus some, or is she going to be living pay check by pay check?

Then bring alternative solutions to this like giving the child up for adoption. If she’s still in the early stages then she could definitely do this: meeting up with potential parents, getting to know them, and shit, if she’s serious about this they’ll pay for her necessity expenses like food. This is probably the best alternative if she isn’t ready to have kids and don’t want an abortion. If she does do this then both you and her will give up your parental rights to the adoptive parents and matters of visitation rights will be up to them.

In any case, good luck. I hope your current interest is empathetic towards you and the situation.
So now will you wear a condom?

It’s obvious you won’t be a very fit father. The girl you knocked up would be best moving towards her family who will actually help her out. As long as you aren’t a total deadbeat father and see the kids here and there you’ll live.
its amazing how if you want to be in your kids life bitches do everything in their power to fuck that up, if you dont want shit to do with your kids, they’re on fucking Maury Povich and shit…good luck with all that.

So moving to California to BE NEAR HER FAMILY TO GET THE HELP THAT THIS GUY SOUNDS LIKE HE ISN’T GOING TO GIVE HER, is trying to fuck him over?

It’s a VERY common thing for a girl who is having a kid to want to move back close to her family. Finding out you are going to have a kid is pretty overwhelming news at first.

I’m glad to see that the majority of views don’t match this one. I was fearful that it might. Hopefully M.E. isn’t anyone’s role model.

Viper had it dead on (and better because it was from a dad’s POV)

I think you read it completely wrong OR you are crazy

yes, and obviously gay marriage is to blame for this couple spitting in the face of the traditional family unit and spawining twin bastards in the holy irises of God.

and it was a joke…rooted in truth…

…again it was a joke (rooted in truth), and i have legions of followers so…FEAR MY ARMADA!
Maybe it was a joke. If so then —->

But it was in no way rooted in truth.

i agree it doesnt apply to this situation…but through observation of people i know, it fits like a glove…not an OJ glove.
First, how old are you? You said your just barely starting in life and can barely support yourself. I hope your in school and if not you need to enroll because its gonna be hard trying to land a good job with out an education. You don’t have to be with the mother of your children to be a good father. Asking her to have an abortion is being selfish. You can’t deny their right into this world regardless of what financial and emotional state your in. I don’t blame her for wanting to go back to Cali. You guys aren’t together so why would she stay somewhere that she doesn’t know anyone. She needs to be with her family, babies are hard to take care of much less two. She needs all the help she can get. It is your obligation to help her financially as much as you can, not only that, try to be in there lives. Be there when she gives birth at least, put your name on their birth certificates. Be a good role model, visit as much as possible. Trust me, you don’t want to miss out on them growing up. You will regret it when you and they are much older. Start planning and looking for better jobs and/or focus on an education. Don’t say you can’t do it because i’m working a full time job taking 3 classes in college and taking care of a 2 year old by myself. It is possible.
Make sure you get a paternity test and don’t sign the birth certificate till the results are in. She may think you’re accusing her of being a whore, but you need to know for sure that you’re the father if the two of you weren’t in a relationship at the time.
Oh, btw, if you’re wondering why I’m advising against you signing the birth certificate is that… you’re going to be royaly fucked if the kid isn’t yours.
I think she’s going to have to move if all her family is back in Calif. I don’t think you have a choice, frankly.

You and her need to come to a real agreement really quickly, otherwise your ass is going to get summonsed to Family Court in LA County and forced into an arrangement you’re not going to ever want to get into.

Even if it’s basic such as some preliminary support agreement and visitation rights. Problem is that if both of you agree to split and never talk again, there’s nothing from stopping her from walking into Family Court and screwing you so badly, it’s not even funny.

Not trying to be a buzzkill, but this is very, very serious for you, whether she wants you in the life of the kids or not.
I find it sad how many people don’t trust that these kids are his. He obviously didn’t wear a condom and isn’t telling us exactly how it went down, but I’d like to think not every woman sleeps with numerous people and gets knocked up.

He hasn’t told us if they were even dating when she got knocked up. You should always get a paternity test if you weren’t in a relationship or if the relationship is under 6 mo, at the very least.

Been there chief. Confirm paternity, then when the results come in showing it’s yours, you’ll have no excuses. Be prepared to be responsible. It’s your obligation as a human being, unless of course you want to feel bad about yourself for the rest of your life.

e responsible and proactive, and understand the circle of concern (COC) vs. circle of influence (COI) – What can I "change", and what can I "do" in my circle of influence. I have no control over people, places, and things directly in the circle of concern, but I can expand my influence by being "self focused".
e "Self Focused" – but not "Selfish – Principle Centered – keeping the focus on myself and core ideals, values and my roles.

If she has the kids, you have to decide whether you’re going to abandon them or not, because you can’t be apart of their lives but have no relationship at all with her. You can’t have both. However, that relationship doesn’t necessarily need to be romantic, but you should be on good terms with her.

You may not feel you’re ready, but obviously you were, since you had unprotected sex (I assume). Relax, it’s not as painful or as hard as it sounds. It’s like a new pet, a new, very very very important pet. Hehe. Kids are great, but you have to have the right support system from family, friends and have a good relationship with the girl or her family too. When everyone shares the burden, kids are much easier to deal with.

You just said the pregnant girl has no family. Does she or doesn’t she?

That logic doesn’t work too well from the point of view of the future human being who will reflect back on that. You should be very careful about the choice you make on this issue. It’s also important to work with the girl on the issue, not against her. Attacking her, getting angry with her — none of that is going to be useful. You’re a dad, period. Right now you’re a father no matter whether she has an abortion down the road or not.

My opinion is that you need to understand that children do no destroy futures. You can have kids and still do the things you’d like to do. I would stop being negative and start thinking about the positive things this experience can bring into your life. Going with the flow helps solve problems.

She didn’t make him wear a condom so she is no better than he is. They weren’t in a relationship so there’s no reason to assume that she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else.

Related posts:

1. Girl..Pregnant I just needed some advice. I’ve worked with this girl...
2. What Should I Do? v.Wife is PREGNANT and hiding it! My wife has been acting weird lately. Anyway, I got...
3. Has anyone ever dated a girl after she was already a friend with a bf? I know this happened with my cousin. Basically, she had...

Now I think about it every day, and can’t stop thinking about going back or moving there, which is not really an option and not the best decision.

Is this normal, for 6+ weeks?

yes

well thats good then…. so why the depression? And who says its neither an option nor your best decision?
the happiest people on earth are not the ones who work the most

this is one of my favorite stories. (this isnt my favorite version, that ones on the wall @ Jimmy Johns)

That’s why I’m in my current job. I want to have enough money to go to the track with the miata, buy good wine, eat at good restaurants, and still pay rent. If I didn’t have to worry about getting the miata inspected in California, and made enough to own a house, I’d be in SF right now.

copy- paste

that was a great story… I’m in engineering program in a very tough university.. i have like 35 hours of class every week (compared to like 12 classes all the other students take compared to engineering)… and it’s so much work and that we are expected to work 60-75 hours a week after we graduate for years….

anyways i always thought i wanted to go to music or something… but my parents are typical-foreigner parents and because i used to do good for some reason in elementary school, they always pushed for medical or engineering school..so here i am.. and can’t do much about it… 2 years into the program ftl.. and i don’t have the guts to change at all
yea dont get me wrong, i dont have the guts either ;-p

haha… i was worried maybe you were gonna tell me that i should just go to mexico and start fishing or something
Wait, I thought you were no longer talking to/seeing that girl? You caved?

Not at all, actually I found it kind of silly when he last said he was never going to talk to her again just because her ex bf helped her move or something like that. I just wanted the story…

You do kind’ve always say fuckit move on to the next one

maybe you’re right just sayin

I only say it when necessary, like in your case!

Anywho, back to the thread boys…black jesus, it’s really common to have an amazing vacation and not get over it, especially if it happened to happen at a crucial time in your life (like yours did). My trip to Europe pulled me out of a HUGE slump months ago and it was all I could think about for months afterwards-I still talk about it now. You can’t let it affect your every day life though and make you forget you need a normal lifesyle. The best you can do is plan another trip.

Having something you love to look forward to is worth living IMO. Right now I count down the days at work until my cruise in April. Once that is over I will be counting the days til my trip to see my sister and nephews, etc.

I realized that when she was gone for a week, something snapped in me and made me think about horrible shit all week for no reason. I automatically pictured her banging a bunch of random dudes and theorizing how she should generally be a terrible person, which she hasn’t shown to be yet. I still feel like this is going to be really really bad when she gets back today, but there is no reason to feel that way. Its just a horrible gut feeling that I’ve probably developed from past relationships.

Like right now, I’m seriously thinking, "I wonder if when this chick meets one of my friends, she’ll feel compelled to sleep with him. Then, should my buddy and I just tag team her, or should I cut her off."

lol, i’m mental.

hehe yeah I know!

If I was a good looking girl like you I wouldn’t think anything of it and I would go out and play the field.. but im not.. im a guy who can’t cherry pick any gal he wants like you.. so I try to make it work even though it’s inevitably going to crash and burn anytime.

I dont like being alone heh
6+ weeks is a bit long.. I feel a bit shitty for a few days after I return if my job isn’t causing me to freak the hell out constantly….

frankly, I can pick up any slut in a bar. I work in politics and I’ve sold cars and bartended, so I can talk and make a sell, and I’m 5’11 190lb and about 10% fat, and I’m financially comfortable…its getting a woman who can tie her own shoes which is the problem.
I usually get it really bad but just for a few days.
I usually get it because I don’t really have any friends and I rarely do exciting things. I think it’s the idea that I was around people I liked and doing fun things and that it won’t happen again for a while is what depresses me.

no shit?

Damn

=
I feel that after that week, life can get no better. That week was a high-water mark, and it haunts me now. I worry that every sense of enjoyment will be overshadowed by that week’s superiority. Hell, I can’t even go back there and replicate it because the first time is always the best.

Wah.
I’m thinking about deleting all my pictures and giving a way all the high-res shit I had framed because i think about that trip every day. I don’t even really turn on the tv, stopped listening to the radio, and stopped reading. I now just sit in my house with a 94+point bottle of wine, turn on the Sonoma radio station I fell in love with, light a couple candles, and drink myself to sleep…lol.

sadly, my tastes are a little more expensive than the fisherman’s and the new yorker’s.

i’m gonna email this to my friend though becaause she needs it.
Yes dude, that’s pretty unusual in my opinion. That vacation was like 1% of your entire 365 day year. If that’s all you’re thinking about, you should really try to find things to do locally… or figure out why that’s all you think about. What’s wrong with today that stinks so badly that you keep looking back on those 6 days? Why not plan vacation part 2 in a few months at a different location so you have something in the future to work toward?
Things were SO down in the OP’s head for such a long time.

Then he started an upward swing and became somewhat happier.

But suddenly adoring life for 6 days made a huge impact against the backdrop of his past.

Now he thinks there was something special about those 6 days that explain how happy he was… ah, those 6 days. The good ol’ days.

OP, IMO that kind of experience isn’t some once in a lifetime deal. In the last year I’ve been extraordinarily happy for weeks or months on end.

This makes sense. Unfortunately that girl is not talking to me apparently, so I’m in the shitter again. I really want to establish a pattern where I have the ability to land decent women. I’m not talking about picking up hot chicks in a bar, I want someone to hang out with. I don’t really feel like that’s a possibility, plus I no longer have the option of traveling anymore because I pretty much can’t go alone. So I’m back to drinking so I don’t have to think about my life, delaying the inevitable, but at least it gets me by. I thought I had really done it this time, I thought I had learned to change my attitude and enjoy life. It looks like I was wrong. I don’t want to be like this forever. I don’t want to look back on that week as the high point of my life. I want more.

I traveled all through Europe alone and it was amazing that way. Stop telling yourself no.

I’ve been on 3 trips alone, and I did europe for 3-weeks alone too. I’m tired of being alone all the fucking time. I’ve done my time. 8 years was enough.

Well I don’t understand. You had friends on that trip, did they disappear?

two are married and the other two might as well be married. Meh, I’m just whining like a faggot now. I don’t really care to go back to the person I was 6 months ago though. I guess I’m back to solitude and track days again. At least I’ll have a scary fast car this time.

I think if I could establish a pattern where I was able to attract decent women who actually liked me, I’d feel better about things like this.

its not really worth it. Basically I met a chick, thought I was doing things the "right" way with girls for the first time in my life, and it turned out to be a big mistake to go on the trip because although the signs were there, a emotional disparity was my downfall. Now I’m fucked, again. My only hope is to wait another 8 years to find a chick who wants to be around me so I can book another vacation and have the same shit happen again. I guess I only have like 5 more vacations in my shitty life.
so I should probably take these pictures down, right? I mean fuck, its been 2 months; time to stop living in the past.

You’re right

Easier said than done. Its so hard to find "fit" women who don’t exploit their power.

Pictures from the vacation? If you can’t bare to look at them that’s kind of sad. I have pictures up from all my vacations so I can happily daydream about them and remind myself to look forward to another.

That’s true.

Don’t resent women for their power, though… that is bitter and small-minded. Their power is not intrinsically good or bad, it all depends how they use their power.

You chill out

You mind your own business?

I look at them and think about how awesome the trip was, but how I’ll never be able to replicate that again. Everything was perfect for that trip. I had a cool girl, all of my friends, super inexpensive, and just absurdly fun.

I don’t see how any vacation will ever compare. I’ve been applying for jobs out there, trying to move.

Rar! Seriously though, you need to chill. Be productive

One thing I like is that your feelings of depression don’t have floaty, vague, mysterious causes. You have certain very specific beliefs that produce a lot of anxiety, and you can express the reasons for your anxiety. I hate it when people just "feel sad". What is that?

Anyways, you’re not thinking clearly about this but I have to do some work so I can’t find the skip-in-logic right now.

I have a pretty thick skin for haterade.

I don’t know why you would think I’m giving you hate, I’m TRYING really really fucking hard to get you to look at the positives and you refuse to, so I honestly give up because I don’t get the point really. If you just want to be negative and mope around like you did for months again then so be it. You might do well with a self ban.

Related posts:

1. ok, so my life is officially crazy v.random girl for my vacation I was not excited about going to the wine country...
2. Constant Depression for no (good) reason… Background info: - Physically abused as young teen a lot,...
3. is apathy and depression the same thing? because while i openly admit i am severely apathetic about...

I’m not feeling to good today, actually it’s my stress. I knew I was a stress case, but my MH doctor wrote a lot of things that she never told me about in my disability qualification letter. I wonder if she is hiding anything else from me? She knows that I’ve educated myself off and on in psychology for the last fifteen years. I think because of that she is not talking to me very much, except for how I’m feeling and if I’m taking my meds.

I’m really worried to death and it hurts my stomach when that happens. I know exactly what this stuff means in the letter, but maybe I’m reading to much into it? This is the letter that so wrote.

To Whom It My Concern:

This regarding Mr. ****** (DOB 10/21/67) who is a patient of mine at ****** for Mental Health. He has a diagnosis of Panic Disorder, Manic Depressive Disorder NOS and Attention Deficit Disorder by history. He has a long history anxiety, panic attacks, depressed mood, problems with attention concentration and short term memory. He has problems with poor impulse control, anger and difficulty maintaining interpersonal relationships. His situation is worsened by his chronic homelessness, poor financial situation and lack of occupational identity.

All these issues make it difficult for **** to work in a competitive labor market. They have plagued his his entire adult life and make it difficult for him to find and sustain employment, compelling him to apply for disability.

Man that’s a lot of stuff. What do you guys think about a letter like this?

What do you mean?

If you died, would you want the world calling it that shit?

Ten bucks is the only thing I’ve truely spent on myself for the past 5 years. I got the money from ads on a blog that it no longer.

Yep! 40 minutes left.
need more backround info.

are you really that homelessness have a poor financial situation ?

where are you posting from. etc..
Some libraries have 4 hour internet and others have only one.
damn i should do that, seems easier than working, broseph

I live off of $140 a month general assistance and that is all. With my car insurance, gas and a small fine. I have no money left. This is why I’m desserately appy for disability so I can have some stability in my life.

The process takes three years and is unbelieve the buerocracy that is involved. It’s not like the old days, you have to hire a lawyer and fight it in court.

this should be stickied for all non AV fags
jesus no wornder you only have 226 posts you muyst get bored of ot after like 10 seconds

I coudln’t afford to look for work if I wanted to. Think about it. gas is 3.50 and I only get $140 a month with bills to pay.

I don’t understand the comment, but yes I spend very little time online.
it will take a while but when you get ssi it will be retroactive.

you will get a big ass check to blow on drugs.
Dude, are you shitting us?

Thread about how to use Paypal.
Another thread talks about you possibly getting an STD after a long night of partying?

You are correct, but the drugs you are mistaken.

sell vehicle, ride bus. ???? profit. Then get a job.

That written to make a point that very few got here. I was psychoanalysing some of you.

How do we know you aren’t doing the same thing now?

I sleep in my car, and lets not get off track about the letter and my anxiety attacks and manic drepression etc.
San Jose, California… unemployed with $140 a month. Are you a mexican? Go hop on the back of some trucks…

Be cause I don’t plan on comming back to this forum. I’m going to forget forums altogether and get a basketball for the park.

wat

that sucks. how old are you?
BTW, there is no way in hell that the letter is real. There is a typo "is is"

You’re telling me that your doctor didn’t proof read it first?

yeah, hes bi-polar for sure.
How does that make you any different from the rest of people in California?

Yet you have a post that says you just purchased this?

That shit is like $70, brah.
I have pretty much the exact same diagnosis, yet I still work for a living
So how did you get to this point? What happened that got you from a functional member of society to applying for disability insurance?

You should be posting this in the Asylum forum, not the Main…more sympathetic audience imo.
Main forum –> Asylum

Asylum rules apply from here forward.

aawwww

weak
now that we are in the Asylum..

other than disability, has anyone mentioned a cure or some preventative meds?

like to stabilize you or something?

.

I think she’s accurately explaining in a conscise way what she’s observed during the appointments you’ve had. That is her job, to analyze you, and based on her experience.

Is anything she said untrue? I doesn’t look untrue to me, and in-fact that letter is fantastic in terms of applying for SSI. It’s a great letter for that purpose.

Just ignore him, he’s ignorant.

Absolutely agree, I went through the same thing. I was disabled in 2000, but didn’t receieve approval until 2004. So that’s 4 years I lived barely scrapping by.

Once he can afford healthcare through Medicare, he’ll likely improve substantially. He’ll have access to better counseling services, medications and doctors.
It’s also possible she’s trying to help you out and put a few extra things in there that could or could not be part of your problems. That way you have less problems continuing with SSI.
My question is, are you using this as a "get out of jail free card" or are you getting help to actually overcome all this stuff? I haven’t seen a single "problem" that cannot be cured or managed with medication and therapy. I mean really…. getting disability for panic attacks? I get anxious fairly often, but, I can still make it into work. Work actually helps me, because anxiety is only as powerful as you let it be. The more attention you give it, the worse it is. When I’m on break, if I feel anxious, I’ll go back to work and it’ll get better because my mind isn’t on it.
i suffer from anxiety and bipolar disorder. i would qualify for disability due to my inability to hold jobs because of my anxiety and bipolar disorder combined (going into depressive phases). so what did i do? i went on a new medicine. i seem to be a lot better now. try something new with the money you get from ssi.

With that logic it’s like a person like me telling you there is no such thing as panic attacks because I never in my life have had one.

What now?

There are millions of people who suffer with problems that a medication and counseling can’t help — in-fact medications are the 4th leading cause of death in the U.S. They save a lot of lives, but they take a lot too. And counseling while obviously helpful to millions is also unhelpful to many as well.

His situation isn’t your situation. He applied for disability and wrote about it on OT because it’s obviously more severe than your downregulated, short-sighted, minimized, condescending version of "panic attacks." (JMO)

I’m glad doing something helps you manage your panic problems, but psychiatric problems aren’t something you "think away, or wash away while cleaning a toilet." People can have infections and other diseases causing those attacks as well as other problems which certainly dissolves your quote of "anxiety is only as powerful as you let it be.", so it’s important to not minimize a case and show compassion and remain open minded.

This "We’re all capable/all powerful" thing isn’t truth. Reality is, people get sick with things they often can’t control, just as much as those they get sick with and could have prevented. It’s not my place to decide which is which.
IMO this should be deleted as I think it’s a hoax.

There are multiple typos in the "doctors" letter.
Well maybe they sent him a paper letter and he retyped it?

I dont remember asking you a god damn thing

that sounds very logical. like he was trying to transcibe it

This is the asylum not the main forum, it would be wise to change your attitude immediately.
Hey brother.. appeal this and hire a lawyer.

If you do a bit of research, you’ll find that most lose their first SSI attempts. This is common.

Why do you care?

By the way, sorry if I came off arrogant in my last response to you.

Is he going to read a post that says "Get a job" and then think "Great idea, why didn’t I think of that!" ??

Why ask him a question that you know he can’t answer, since he obviously isn’t "him." We try to offer advice and suggestions, but only the person asking can "fix" their problem. The Asylum is meant to help people fix their own problems or at least point them in a direction that can help lead them to someone more experienced/trained that can offer counsel.

Related posts:

1. New Mental Health Forum Hey guys, I just wanted to tell everyone that there...
2. What sort of doc should i see for panic attacks? i have experienced panic attacks since i was in high...
3. Getting past anxiety, and opiates… I have posted a couple times in here before, but...

Or would you simply be going to the college because she’s going to that particular one?

Short answer: Don’t base your life around someone else. Base your life around YOU.

You would be extremely foolish to give up scholarships at good schools to go to a school with no scholarship, just to be with your gf.
yeah. Occidental was always my first choice when I was considering schools. But, it’s really hard to turn down a school like Northwestern when they make it economically possible. My girlfriend and I did not talk to each other at all when we were applying to schools (to prevent the whole basing life on other people thingg) and it just so happens that our first choices were 15 miles apart. But, now I’m having second thoughts. I love her so much but I don’t know if I’ll get another chance like Northwestern.
No.

I’m starting to learn that college and significant others don’t mix. Trying to plan your life around someone else’s just isn’t worth it. You’ll end up losing yourself in the process and regretting it.

If it’s meant to work out, it will.

to be perfectly honest…the good school and scholarship should take priority.

You could go to the same school as her, but if you broke up (and many many couples from high school break up once college comes around), you’d be kicking yourself.
assuming I go to Northwestern, should I try to keep the relationship going (long distance) or just call it quits? God, it sucks even typing that
Trust me though, you’ll meet someone in college and they’ll blow your mind and you’ll want to plan your life around them.

Stop holding out on high school fantasies.

Keep it casual. It CAN work, but college can change people for the good or bad…

Go where YOU want to go.. If she’s your destiny, it will work. And yea, that sounded lame but it’s true.

break it off cleanly. One less stress to deal with.
remember if you are in an LDR that means that you will both be cheating on each other. *gasp*

just learn to not worry about it and never talk about it.
I also agree that you should go where the money is and when YOU want to go. BUT, I go to school with my boyfriend. We just happened to transfer to the same school because we both changed our majors. Before being together for this past year in school we had a long distance relationship last year. It can work, you just need to do what feels right for you.

(no we don’t live together, we have different majors so we are not in classes together and we have separate jobs)
You hear the horror stories and scoldings for a reason.

Go to college where YOU truly want to go to college. Not just the college your girlfriend is going to. If your relationship is strong then you can survive without each other at the same school. If it is not strong you will eventually move on from one another and actually grow up as an independent person.
You know, SOME HIGH SCHOOL RELATIONSHIPS DO WORK TOO

since the views here are overwhelmingly negative on that subject… i gotta stick up for that

Its hard, women want to go out and slut around, guys want to be pimips, wwhatever. it happens

Sure they do. I think most of us are trying to point out to the OP that you should just never choose where you go to college based on the fact that your high school SO is going there.

my best friend in high school went to college down the street. since she still had all of us near her, she didnt have to make an effort to get to know a lot of people at her school because she already had her friends around. i think she missed out on some great friendships and experiences by having us here as a crutch. everyone needs to experience moving away and being on their own at some point.

and you should pick the school that is best for you because of $ and acedemics. the girlfriend should never be a deciding factor. you can try to make it work long distance, but i will tell you from experience, long distance is horrible, and we were much closer than a 5 hour plane ride away. dont let missing her and wondering what she is doing in LA distract you from meeting new people and enjoying everything chicago has to offer
hey guys thanks so much for all your feedback. This Sunday I fly out to Chicago to check out Northwestern and then to Cali to look at Oxy and USC. I’m really excited because I feel like the visit is the most important part in choosing a school. If I choose to go to Cali, it will not be because my girlfriends is there (at least that’s what I tell myself, but who knows if that’s really the case). I mean, I try to think that, even if I do go to Cali it’s not like I’m making a lifelong commitment to this relationship… I’m just going to school in California, no big deal.

If you go to the same state as her that is not bad, it’s if you choose to go all the way there to the same school she is attending…because she’s there that is a bad idea.

But good luck. Considering you got accepted into those 3 pretty great school you will learn a lot just by visiting them and their cities. Choose the one that you think best fits your needs. Northwestern is an amazing school, not to mention that Chicago is extremely awesome. However, I am originaly from SoCal and USC is not only in one of the coolest areas filled with all sorts of things to do…but the name alone can get you places (same with Northwestern).

Just out of curiosity, where do you live now? What school is your girlfriend going to for sure?
I live in Seattle, I have my whole life. I’m really excited to get out of town so I barely even considered in state schools. It’s been a dream of mine for a long time to go to LA for college, but, same with Northwestern. She is for sure going to Pepperdine, which is about 35 minutes from Occidental and about 25 minutes from USC (if my LA friends and mapquest aren’t mistaken). I got into the Communications school at both USC and Northwestern (which are like TOPS in that field). But, after being Editor in Chief of my school’s paper and studying journalism at Brown I kinda feel like I want a liberal arts education (which is where Occidental comes into play) first before I go into a pre professional program like Annenberg at USC or the School of Comm at Northwestern. I also got into NYU but I’m not considering it for undergrad.

Wow Good for you man. I was a Communications major and yes, Northwestern and USC are both excellent for that. In fact, both are in cities that are excellent for that field as well. No matter where you choose you are in for a great great adventure!
If the college you want to go to is the same as she does, then why not. Don’t go just because she is there. My best friend did this and ended up transferring back after one year, even though they were still together. Naturally they broke up halfway through the next year, but he was much happier he transferred.

Also, go to a good school in what you want to study. He was a business major at a liberal arts school
NO or YES wont make a difference.
if you are in love with her, and the college you guys chose is decent, then go for it. if you stopped liking her, which you prolly will, or the other way around, you guys will break up. remember, college break ups arent as painful.

well at least not with that decision, but you should be willing to move if you are with the person you plan to marry (and they move for a job or something)

Well yeah…but that’s far from the situation of this 18 year old kid posting.

Either way, I think he gets it now and will choose wisely (for himself).
Occidental is in my home town.

I had never even considered the possibility of going to Northwestern. If they offered me a full ride I’d take it hands down.
Go where you want to go. Not your friends, not your g/f. Seriously.. put yourself and your career before others.
do you want tos ee her have sex w/ another man? if so, please do go.

Related posts:

1. I’m 17 and not excited about college. I have a great family life. I have great friends....
2. college…future…yikes 20 years old, living at home, finished with 2nd year...
3. Fuck College… I have only been in one serious relationship that started...

Why is it a competition? Something that’s important to you is probably fucked up. This is really important to me because its been a problem for my all my life, and its only getting worse. Sure its just women, but the sole reason I’m here is because some guy was good enough to bang some chick and forgot to pull out and bam, black jesus was born. I won’t ever have the chance to experience love or whatever again, I think that’s fairly important. Think about being socially mute, its like everything around me is a prop, not real, a game, and for some reason I can’t manipulate them the way I’m supposed to.

I did not mean to make it a competition and yes its important to me because I have also been having trouble with this all my life.

This is not true, find a therapist. If you cant afford one go through the county health services. You wont regret it.

I’ve been through this. I make too much money for the sliding scale. I make decent money, but they don’t have a mechanism that compensates for my $861 student loan payment that royally fucks my life.
I’d say it has less to do with maturity and emotional development, and much more to do with self-esteem issues.

I’d be excited to hear about your successful/failed social interactions you have. What I mean is you could keep a log of every social interaction that you care about, and afterwards, write down how you think it went.

I did this while I was in therapy, and although I spent hours telling my therapist how confident I was, she could easily point out a ton of sentences I would write down that actually showed a deep insecurity that even I didn’t realize I had.

This way, we could hear your thoughts at the time and help you realize your self-defeating thoughts. Every time you make a thread, it’s probably just a summary of a million thoughts you’ve had recently. These types of problems are better cured from the root.

It’s just a suggestion. Perhaps you could start up a thread and just post it in whenever you want.

As I’ve said before, I just really don’t want to see you fall into the trap of taking advice and forgetting it once you’re out in social interactions.

excuses = rationalization

you work hard enough and you can find one

everyone here is pretty much tired of hearing about whatever my problems are.

I might start writing all that shit down…but at this point I’ve pretty much cut off interacting with people all together. I’ve effectively given up, again. I guess I’ll wait another 8-years and maybe the pattern will continue.

well, you can also look at motherfucking reality. I don’t understand what the fuck why everyone thinks this is so simple. My options are to either not pay rent or not pay my student loan. $436 per month is a large chunk of money for me. I don’t see what’s so difficult about I DON’T MAKE THAT MUCH MONEY PER MONTH!!!!!oneoneone

64,997 posts I think your interacting enough.

Have you thought of calling the loans office to see if they can provide you with a "grace" period?

nothing about reality is simple, Good luck.

forums are my only real communication with people, aside from that I just sit around my apartment or go out alone and make an ass of myself.

The grace period is not an option. I could go back on deferment but all that interest compounds monthly and my payments keep going up and up. The way it sits now, after all my bills (I’m not talking about cable TV or shit like that) I have $288 to buy gasoline and food with.

This post alone is a perfect example of why a journal would help you.

You have no idea if people are tired of hearing what your problems are. You can’t assume to know what people think. When observing another person’s words or actions, people with depression/anxiety assume to know much more than they actually do know.

Your self-defeating thought here on this board tell me that you probably constantly have the same self-defeating thoughts in social situations too. "She probably has a boyfriend," or "She probably wouldn’t like me," or "That date went terrible! She won’t want to see me again."

You would be completely surprised if you knew what people actually thought. Most people have the same insecurities as you, just on a larger or smaller scale.

You could say "I have a feeling that people on this message board are getting tired of hearing my problems." That would be an opinion, and you would subconsciously accept it. However, when you state it as a fact, as you did, you subconsciously accept it as a fact. If you were talking to a girl and said to yourself "She isn’t interested in me," then the battle is over. You have already lost. A fact is a fact.

The world isn’t always as you think it is. I freaking love Star Wars, so I’ll quote Qui-Gon Jinn and say "Your focus determines your reality." Stop focusing on the "facts."

I disagree. I know I’m not exactly intelligent, far from it. I sure as hell wouldn’t assume my muddied opinions of my experiences were more accurate than an opinion of someone who is capable of maintaining relationships and has a successful social life.

I’m not exactly the most intelligent person, if I were I’d probably be making more money, have more friends, and not be in this thread right now. I respect everyone’s advice here.

I’m so worried every time I speak to anyone, but especially with women who are high in demand and where I have tons and tons of competition from people who look better, are taller, more "pumped", better cloths, better hair, more intelligent, more conversational. I don’t want to annoy people. I don’t want to be the weird guy who won’t go away. Until I spend some more time in the gym, get better cars, buy a house, and do a bunch of other shit, I’m not going to do well with women.

You’re approaching it like they have to approve of you. Something to keep in mind:

They already know the kind of man they like, and you’re already the kind of man you are, so they already know whether they like you or not, they just never had to think about it before. All you’re doing is finding it out; all the prep work happened over the course of the past 27 years, there’s nothing you can do now, so just let the chips fall where they may.

I typically approach it thinking, "I hope I know what to do so the don’t figure out that I’m a miserable fuck."

I know its futile and I have to "let the chips fall," but I really am tired of spending all my time alone. It gets so old. I’m so fucking lonely.

Social interaction is just like anything else: it can be improved with practice.

He can develop more confidence and self-esteem and absolutely be the type of man most girls want. He isn’t "stuck" with what he has.

100% of his failures are in is head, caused by catastrophic and self-defeating thoughts. Some people do get better, and he is obviously intelligent enough to be one of those who overcome the problems, whether or not he will admit it.

There is something he can do about it, and he can start right now.
That’s the wrong approach, Socrates. I agree that superficial stuff can be improved, but on the whole, it’s safe to assume he’s the person he wants to be because he likes being that person, so he will always default back to who he "really is" when it comes to important issues. So it’s better not to present a facade that makes him look like someone he isn’t, only to get into one potentially-successful relationship after another that fails because he was lying about who he is.

Seriously, if he just accepts that he is who he is and she likes who she likes and there’s no changing either one, it becomes a hell of a lot easier to get rejected, because you didn’t do anything wrong, you just didn’t match up at all and so it wouldn’t have been worth the effort to try anyway.

I prefer to apologize (humorously!) for having no game whatsoever. Surprisingly, they usually relax a lot when I say that, because it means they don’t have to try to read between my lines to decipher meanings that aren’t really there.

One thing women will never forgive is a guy who thinks he’s a miserable fuck. You’re not a miserable fuck, you’re just weird. Of course, if you’ve based your entire life on the notion that you should be like other people, then yes, I suppose you are a miserable fuck — but those people whom you have let dictate the standards of your life are going to die too, no matter how fantastic they are at being cool, so their opinions really aren’t worth more than your own.

Unless you’re drunk, stoned, half-naked, and living in a cardboard box in an alley, your approach on life has clearly met with some success. So you don’t need to continue wondering whether you’re "doing it right". The only right way is the way that works, and there are lots of ways that work. Yours is, presumably, one of them.

If you enter into an interaction with a woman confident in the fact that your personal history proves you’re not a complete failure, and that you and she are both the way you are because you like being that way, then it becomes a lot easier to get rejected over and over until you find someone who likes your worldview, because, as I said, you didn’t do anything wrong in the first place.

I’ve been reading some self-help on becoming alpha, and taking control of my life…but I keep fucking failing every god damn time.

It really hit hard to when I was going to a club, which I really didn’t want to go to, with some friends on saturday. There were 5 chicks my 4 friends picked up at another bar, so when we went to another bar that doesn’t let single guys in unless they drive maseratis. My buddies couldn’t even convince this girl to tell the bouncer that she was with me so I could get in the club. She couldn’t fucking bring herself to slum it and just for an instant tell a random person that she was associated with me.

This is what I don’t get. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. My old roommate and her husband agree that they’re perplexed and don’t know what my fucking problem is. At this point I’ve pretty much made up my mind that I’m done trying socially. I have to accept that whatever the ailment is, I won’t understand it or be able to do anything about it. I will be alone for the rest of my life. There is no getting out of this, its the way it works.

I’m like one of those guys who weighs 140lb, and has to go to an adult arcade to experience women. I’m the guy who doesn’t know his neighbors because he never goes in or out of the house to meet them, and its a good thing he doesn’t because then they’d be creeped out and move. How the fuck did I become the scary rapist guy who sweats and has bad hygine? I’m like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite. Its kinda sad. I’ve been driving the track car because my daily driver is broken. I only have the driver’s seat in, and for the last 2 weeks, this hasn’t been a problem…lol.

He can’t accept who he is, because that is the whole problem from the beginning. The underlying source or problems with people of low self-esteem is because they don’t have the "I’m okay with being me," mindset. Instead, they think "I should be this type of guy so others will accept me." If Black Jesus could simply say "I’m all right with who I am!", then he wouldn’t have any of these problems. He wouldn’t feel he has to have nice things in order for women to like him.

When you say "it’s safe to assume he’s the person he wants to be because he likes being that person," I see a very different picture. Does Black Jesus seem like he likes himself? Do depressed people ever really like themselves?

I’m not saying he should try to change his personality, his beliefs, or any of the things he likes. I don’t mean to make it sound like I want him to create a facade of who he is. I’m not talking about Pick-Up Artist stuff and lying about who you are or any lying whatsoever. I’m simply saying he should try to recognize these self-defeating thoughts and beliefs, and change them. Those are very possible to change.

I agree. I’m not alright with who I am, I do not want to be me. Me sucks. No one wants to be around me, especially women. Women have always fucked with "me."

I realize that I’m incredibly negative. We had a new employee in the office that told me last week, "what happened man? I’ve been here like 4 months and I’ve never met anyone so consistently negative all the time. At first I thought it was funny, then I thought you were looking for attention, but now I wonder if someone in your family died."

I had a really good week when I went on a vacation with a random girl back in January. It was awesome. I’ve been motivated to speak to women since then because I want to feel like that again. I couldn’t remember what it was like because I haven’t had a date January, 2000. Now I feel like a Heroine addiction every time I talk to a girl and she instantaneously shits on me.

Yes, that was a bitch move on her part. However, that was just her, and plenty of other cute girls would have helped you out.

However, it sounds like you didn’t know this girl. It’s not like she was a really good friend and did this to you. How can you take it so personal when she doesn’t know anything about you?

The only thing that really means is two things: 1) She is a bitch, and 2) You aren’t good looking enough to get beautiful girls interested in you by looks alone. Fortunately, 99% of men out there aren’t good looking enough to get women interested in them based on looks alone. As you already said you are doing, keep going to the gym and improve yourself as much as possible.

There isn’t really anything I can say to give you the courage keep going back out there and trying again. If Abraham Lincoln gave up as easily as you, I’d probably have someone here to make my lunch for me right now.
That just makes it sound even more like you need approval from everyone.

I already told you, if you’re making money and you’re not getting thrown in jail every weekend and you’re not strung-out all the time, then your take on life is valid. So stop feeling like it isn’t.

- – -

You know what I did to break free from needing validation? I lived all by myself for months, didn’t see anyone, rarely called anyone on the phone, and wrestled with why nobody ever wanted to pro-actively show an interest in me. Eventually I just concluded that it’s because I wasn’t giving them any reason to notice me. I don’t deserve attention, there’s six billion people out there for other people to look at. You gotta do your own thing, preferably in public, and try to attract attention that way. Nobody’s going to pro-actively want to notice you and think you’re cool and go out with you. You have to show that you’re worth paying attention to, by doing something that catches their eye. And if nothing you do is that sort of thing, then at least enjoy doing it by yourself.

To tell you the truth, socialites are all alone too, because they’re all only pretending to pay attention to each other so others will pay attention to them. It’s all a game.

hahahahaha, that’s fucking great. I’m going to use that.

After my ex and I split up in January, I spent the next couple of months sitting at home wondering why my social life sucked. Sometimes I thought "I must not be the exciting guy I once was, or once thought I was."

However, I started calling friends more and more and getting invited to parties. Most the times, the people at these parties would love me and want to hang out again.

Had I not made the phone calls to hang out, I wouldn’t have realized that I was an amiable guy and people really enjoyed hanging out with me.

I agree with you, but if there’s 6B people out there, and 1/100 have the qualities desire by other people, then shouldn’t I adjust my desired goals to something realistic like solitude.

I guess if anything I can discuss this here, and not really worry about people flipping out. I’ve been thinking about suicide again, but not like everyone else does. I don’t want to kill myself, its kinda like I should. Does this make sense. I want to succeed at this and have friends but more importantly, I want a woman in my life. I’m not talking about a wife or GF for me to drive crazy with neediness, I want to be able to go out with a girl, or have a girl come over once a month or so. That’s not an option though, and I’m tired of living like this where I constantly feel like I’m fucked up. Its not normal to be totally unable to attract women. I don’t want to give up, I want to have a desire to win at this. But logic is telling me to stop attempting because my success record is so poor. Its like death is the most intelligent option for me, it will stop all the shit-emotions I’m tired of, but I don’t want to quit, I want to feel something again. Is that totally absurd? I should kill myself, but I don’t want to. You’ll probably never hear that again.

My buddies are going on another trip to the wine country at the end of this year, and I want to go, but I’m not going alone. That’s 6-months away, basically I have 5 months to find a girl that I want to take with me. I want to be happy like I was on that trip to the Wine Country. I forgot what it was like to feel like that. I really did. Now it haunts me.
You know, I think you’re a pretty cool dude.. But damn bro, it’s like you solve your issues then resort right back to the same ones.

Practice what you do when you’re happy / fulfilled more often, the outcome won’t always be so negative.

I’m not trolling but I seriously LOL’d when I read this… just the way you wrote it made it funny.

But, that is the only reason why any of us are here. Being a planned baby or unplanned doesn’t define who you are… you define who you are.

I can relate to you more than you know… I am 27 and have only had 1 girlfriend in my life which was back in high school in 1999. I have been working on changing my life though.

First you need to change your way of thinking. You sound like a negative nancy, and no one likes to hang out with negative nancy’s. Becoming more positive about things will help change your mentality.

Secondly stop putting the pussy on a pedestal. If you go into interactions with women thinking you’re inferior to them they will sense this and you will have no chance to spark attraction. Alpha males never see themselves as inferior and all the alpha males I know have stuck their dicks into a lot of pussy.

What hobbies do you have? Do you workout at the gym? Lift weights and cardio training? Can you play the guitar? Have you thought about learning martial arts? I have been going to martial arts class for a few years now and it has boosted my confidence in all social situations. I even go to the gym and lift weights and jog/bike. Working out releases endorphins that give you a natural high. When I was a kid I was the happiest I have ever been and realized it was because I ran or rode my bike everywhere. Kids nowadays sit inside playing video games and don’t get much exercise and they are all emo and depressed.

If you like music, you should learn to play the guitar. Take leasons, it will give you something to do on a week night or weekend. I had a chubby friend that loves playing music and was in band in school and played other instruments but started learning to play the guitar teaching himself. It was amazing when he would bust out the guitar at parties and start playing and the girls at the party would flock around him with thier pussys swooning. You could see the wet spot thru their pants He could have had sex with a lot of those girls but he was the ‘nice guy’ type so he would never hook up with them.

Start living your life doing things you want to do. You will become a happier person and a more interesting person. Also look into some books and publications on improving your social skills. There are many out there. Also keep in mind that some pickup artists teach some things that can also improve your social skills. Sometimes when trying to meet women you may have to open a group of girls or a group with girls and guys mixed. Knowing how to open a set can help improve your confidence.

my conception comment was not about planner pregnancy, it was about having the ability to make that happen, women choosing men to sleep with.

I don’t just put women on a pedestal, I consider myself substandard. I’m the worst at everything I do. I may be 5’11" 194lb at 12%, but I still feel like Urkel. I have the worst physical aspect in every category, worst car, worst apartment, worst furniture, worst opinions, and everything else. Its like limited # of friends to me a favor by hanging out with the retarded kid who nobody likes.

There have been 2 nights in particular where I could really hook with women. I can open just fine, I just can’t get over the logic that I’m totally random, they know what I’m doing, and why would they want to talk to me when I have the least to offer of any guy in that room? I don’t see why any of these women want me to interrupt them and speak.

It’s most likely a lack of development.

My problem stemmed from my childhood. 2 things were wrong when I was a kid. First I was cute as hell when I was a kid. I got compliments from everyone, and I had girls chasing me around all the time. I never had to work for attention from girls it just always came to me. Then when I hit puberty, I got hit with the ‘fuck your good looks up stick’. I wasn’t the cutest kid anymore and when you get into middle school and high school, everyone’s social skills start to develop and you can’t get by on good looks anymore unless you are a hot girl with big tits and a nice ass.

Then when I was in middle school and high school, my parents were extremely religious, and they were scared that any interaction I had with a girl would lead to me getting some girl pregnant. So they suffocated me and never allowed me to go to parties, dances, or other places where you develop social skills at a young age. I couldn’t even have a girlfriend and when I got my first girlfriend in my senior year of high school all hell broke loose and my parents hated it.

So I was never able to develop the correct social skills to interact with women. I can hang out with guy friends and socialize just fine, but when a woman is near by my mind goes blank and I don’t know what to talk about. Maybe your situation is the same.

We can only work on improving our social prowess, and keep our heads up that we still have our 30′s ahead of us. Just remember women love older guys for various reasons. You probably have seen many guys in there 30′s dating young hot big breasted women in their early to mid 20′s. I know I have seen my share. So at least I have something to try and achieve when I hit my 30′s.

You gotta try to adopt the winners mentality. When you see sports reporters interviewing athletes before a big game and they ask the athlete who is going to win they always say they or their team will win. If they said that they are probably going to lose, they will never win.

You do have the ability to make anything happen. You do have many things you can offer women. Women do want to talk with you.

Think like a loser and you’ll be a loser.
Think like a winner and you’ll be a winner.

why? I don’t see why any woman would want me, some random loser, talking to them. Even if I weren’t a random loser and were just "average", they still wouldn’t want me speaking to them. I don’t know what any woman would want from me that I could give her.

I’m never tired of your posts because you write them very, very well.

It was uplifting when you were happy because you’re usually so unhappy, but to be honest, I like the posts when you’re up as well as when you’re down… it’s always good stuff.

I think the main thing is that your thoughts always make a lot of sense to me. There is something about the way you describe the things in your life – be they happy or sad – that hits home.

Your humor, insights, ideas, advice, compliments, reality-checks, listening skills, etc etc etc.

You’re an intelligent human being with ideas and views that perhaps could intrigue many women. If you can make a girl laugh and feel good, you need not much else to offer.

every guy has that shit though. I know I’m whining like a faggot at this point, but there is no reason any woman is going to want standard options which you listed for me, when she could have some guy who is ultimately superior. There is no point in even trying to start this game if I’m not the best available.

I know that’s probably going to piss a lot of people off, but why should I even talk to these women if ultimately they are just going to use me as a placeholder until some guy with bigger arms, better hair, a better car, more entertaining perspective, or whatever comes by? It might happen in the first 5 minutes I’m talking to them, or it will happen after we’ve been married 5-years. Either way they’re not going to be happy with what they have even if they are so inclined to use me to entertain them for the meantime.

Just like the last girl. We were together like a month, I thought I played all my cards right…then, before I had a chance to fuck it up, she upgraded and I never heard from her again. Not a single fucking word. I don’t want to fucking deal with that again. It happens like that all the time. Its no that I did poorly, fucked up, was mean, or lacked entertaining qualities, I just wasn’t good enough and never had the type of relationship which warranted a response. I don’t even have enough worth as a human being to get a fucking phone call letting me know its over, "no date tonight or ever, I found something better, and it wasn’t difficult because you’re slightly below average and pretty much any guy who shows up will do better than you."

This is called "projecting thoughts on to others" and if you continue to do this you will never change. Everyone is is a loser and average, its just how you display yourself. Believe it or not there are other people out there like you including a SO or two if you look hard enough.

that was the craziest for me. I haven’t been happy like that in at least 8-years, if ever. Its like for a moment, life wasn’t in a dungeon. I enjoyed some things. Its like a got a glimpse of something I wasn’t supposed to see, because now its something I want to replicate but I’m incapable, so it makes me miserable.

you’re right, but you could still get a 10.

a girl’s interest in you has nothing to do with "qualities". it’s like playing basketball or riding a back or, most accurately, like learning a video game. when you miss the hoop it has nothing to do with who you are as a human being. it has to do with how you handled the ball! you don’t quit a video game when you lose. you lose 10 times until you get the general movement down.

since your inner game is so incredibly, horribly fucked, why don’t you just focus on outer game? it’s a skill set, you can learn it. yeah, you’re a miserable wretch and you suck in every way and so on, or whatever else fucked up shit your mind is making you believe right now. but fortunately, attracting women is something you DO, after practicing; not something you are.

POSITIVE outer game only. there’s a website for that, which I can link you to, not the one I PM’ed you, but a different one.

This is false, get it out of your head and the first step is over.

the pattern over the past 8 years is irrefutable.

You have to allow yourself to change or you will keep going in circles.

but how do I change the most basic part of my life? Everything I do, every day, is based upon the reality that everything comes to an end, and everything I enjoy will soon go away and I’ll be left with nothing. How do I change that learned behavior with the contrary, and somehow create an ideological shift that will actually take?

Therapy.

Contrary to what’s been said, I think you’re setting yourself up for failure by completely ignoring your "inner game" and only focusing on "outer game."

Yes, if you went out and just started approaching a crap ton of women a day, or better yet, took the "stylelife" challenge and did Style’s "Get a Date in 30 Days" thing, your confidence absolutely would go up. It is very possible that after many attempts, you would have some success and your confidence would skyrocket. That is a solution.

However, because of your depressive tendencies, you seem to focus on the negative stuff and rarely on the positive. That means, you could go on 5 great dates, then have 1 bad date, and you would be tore up over that bad date wondering "why the fuck didn’t she like me?" I’ve been through the whole "PUA" trip that most of vaginarium is still going through. I read "The Game" way before 99% of those guys. I used to talk to a ton of those guys through PM’s, and the reason you don’t see me post in there much more is because many of them are keyboard jockies who are deeply insecure. Once you become confident in who you are and your game, trading tips and ideas on how to pick up girls seems less appealing. I spend my free evenings out socializing, not reading about socializing. The reality is that not all dates are going to go awesome, and you’re going to get rejected a lot. Because of your focusing on the negative, only focusing on your "outer game" could be even more disastrous to your self-esteem. From what I know about you, that one rejection would fuck you up and you would have a huge set back.

I think it would be much more beneficial to you to find a way to get therapy, whether it be paying a therapist or even finding some free therapy group. A therapist can really help you realize how your mind is your worst enemy and stop you from thinking these negative thoughts. However, if you still want to read the PUA stuff, I don’t think that is a bad idea. It helped me out a lot and I did get 500% better with women because of it. However, therapy helped me out in ways that David DeAngelou couldn’t. All the openings in the world couldn’t fix the insecurities I developed because of my absent father and emotionally-wrecked mother. But, when it becomes something you’re talking more about and not doing, like much of the vaginarium it seems, it can be a problem.
I just went to the gym and totally flipped out. I couldn’t get find the playlist I wanted in the mp3 player, so I smashed that pos. Then I got even more pissed off because my shoulder hurts, so i just left. One of my cars is broken, the other has fucked up exhaust, its horribly uncomfortable, and I’m tired of all this shit and its making me fucking insane. Everything is compounding right now: girls, subaru, miata, student loans, travel for work, not wanting to work out but making myself, the insurance company not returning phone calls, women blowing me off, being fucking lonely, not having enough money…its all hitting me in the balls right now. I really don’t want to live like this anymore. I think I’m going to get drunk.

WTF do I do now? I have this fucking insane level of anger right now, almost safe to say that I’ve never been angry like this before. I really want to hit more stuff, burn the fucking place down, jump off a building, fucking something. I need to release all this anger and have no fucking clue how to do it.
Get hammered or something man! That’s always a good way to calm down after a bad day. That’s what I’ll be doing in about two hours at the bowling alley with some friends!

I feel like that every fucking moment of my life. It’s gotten to the point where i constantly ask people who I have somewhat of a connection with "in your honest opinion do you think I’m annoying" they usually tell me no but then I say something like "you can be completely honest with me, you won’t hurt my feelings" then they usually tell me that if i keep asking them that question then I’ll start to become annoying. I don’t know I don’t find it hard putting myself out there and making friend, but I do find it hard keeping friends because I feel like I’m bothering people when I try to reach out. I hate feeling like this but every time I try to make steps to change this I get the same shitty feeling that I’m bothering people and I tend to just lose touch.

It’s because he’s working it out logically, but not applying it to his real life.

Good. You’re finally getting to the point where you have the necessary drive to do something about it.

I got angry too. And I spent about a month drunk whenever I had free time. It’s all part of the grieving process.

Just roll with the punches man. We’ve all had shitty conversations/meet-ups with chicks and knew we blew it, no need to act like she would’ve been the one had we done it right.

Just be yourself because one day down the road you’re going to have to be, and better for it to never be than for her to realize she liked you for all the wrong reasons.

If you’re having issues with conversation, just talk to pretty much everyone you come into contact with, just a brief conversation and try to find things to ask other than "what’s up?" "how you been?" and "gee, would you look at that weather." Notice things about chicks, their shoes, hair style, whatever… mention something about it, or make a joke, ask a question.. just make conversation with as many different people as possible
I’m still wigged out angry. I’m going to take this week off from the gym…I went in there last night and I was just too insane to lift.

to cap things off, a dipshit in an a8 decided to cut me off bad, then brake check me, then swerve over into my lane almost running me off the road, then point and laugh at my car. I tried to get him to pull over so I could shoot him, but I had no luck.
I really, really, really have a powerful desire to scrounge up some money, pack all my shit up, and move after finding a job in northern California. I feel static and there are too many negative experiences here that I want to leave behind.

If that’s what you really want to do, go for it! Maybe new faces and new experiences would be good for you. But, you’ve got to get in a new mindframe to truly be at a better place. If you’re going to move, that’s awesome but you have to leave all the mental crap behind. If you don’t change your outlook on things it doesn’t matter how far you move, because it will be the same pattern.
Here’s something I’m translating only for you from a book on self-esteem in French :
People with a high self-esteem react emotionally in front of a failure but it doesn’t leave an emotional scar. They can face critics on sensitive issues or contradict them, they don’t really try to find out negative things about themselves (while those with low self-esteem or LSE do), they don’t feel that they have to justify themselves after a failure and think that many others would have failed too, they don’t feel rejected if criticized and have low evaluation anxiety. Success confirms their self-perception (instead of changing it like for LSE people) and they don’t think much about not being able to meet the standards or that success won’t last. They are excellent in certain specific domains and accept some weaknesses in exchange for this while LSE people prefer not to have any weakpoint and to be medium overall.

(Note that low self-esteem is the contrary on pretty much all points.)

Advantages = resilience and being able to face adversity (while low self-esteem can motivate to succeed and being able to listen to critics)
Disadvantages = can avoid listening to critics (while low self-esteem leads to suffering and anxiety).

Just some food for thought, gotta go study for now…

The difference between people who succeed with women and those who do not is not the rate of failure. It’s just that successful guys try and try again without making much of an issue of a rejection.

Failure can push some people to disengage from their goal (an extreme sensitivity of their behavioral inhibition system does this, it’s not ALL bad, it can be quite adaptative at times) while other will try harder (sensitivity of the behavioral approach system).
I really want to succeed, but everything I’ve experienced just in the past two weeks tells me to reevaluate my expectations. I want to shift my thoughts and be successful, I really do. However I can’t seem to make it stick.
God man you’re a fucking mess. I seen pictures of you before, you look great. You’re fairly tall, lean and muscular and you got HAIR, which I don’t.

Weren’t you living out of your car a few years ago? You had the drive to change you situation then. You have a lot going for you but you fail to see any of it.

yeah, I lived in the jetta for about 6 weeks, crashing at a few friend’s places, and showering at the university gym. I’m 5’11", 192lb, and about 13% after that bottle of wine last night. I can handle financial survival just fine…well, kinda, but I don’t know what to do about the intellectually growing and being sociable. I’m getting old, and I really want to get control of this so I can still enjoy my life.

lol that’s the truth. My old roommate does that… we all give him shit for it, especially when he flubs it up, but I know he’s the only one pulling a semi-regular stream of ass.

ok.

so you’re saying after you got successful with women, you finally patched up your inner game. because of therapy or whatever. but notice the order of events.

and socrates, i remember you going on ad nauseum about dating and i never thought your advice was particularly insightful. most of it was a play on the "hard-to-get" cliche. "show her your independence," and whatnot, which is rooted in insecurity, and fear, and an unhealthy obsession with the worst social aspects of human beings.

the advice you gave that was really disastrous was your application of game to questions of romance. ugh

the copious amount of ladiez advice you gave says more about how much you like to be an authority on the ladiez than anything else. and yeah, lots of guys talk the talk but don’t walk the walk, but i think you’re projecting that onto the vag… not everyone there is like that.

bj, I agree with socrates that you should see a therapist if you have the financial means. if you don’t have the financial means, then fuck inner game. think about it, attempting to fix your mental state yourself, that would be trying to fix your disfunctioning brain with that same disfunctioning brain, fixing an infected computer with an infected program. good luck

i think everyone is different, but from personal experience, drive can overcome inner game issues, and focusing on outer game forces the mind away from all the messed up thoughts that it feeds itself. why not learn that, in the meantime, seeing as your inner game is so royally fucked right now.
You just sit here and whine about that no woman would want to speak with you.

Why don’t you stop being such a baby and go transform yourself into someone they would want to talk to.
No one here will have a magic key for you that will solve your problems. Start taking responsibility for yourself.

I was able to get laid, yes, but I still felt insecure about who I was. Once I finally found a girl I liked and we became a couple, it became disastrous because my insecurities really started to show.

I became good at dating, which I think most people would after practicing the PUA stuff, but most PUAs have the ultimate goal of finding a girl to share their life with. Just because someone can be good at dating doesn’t mean they can have a healthy relationship. All the dating in the world won’t help a guy feel secure with a woman when all he has known his whole life is abandonment.

The advice I gave was stuff that I read about in PUA stuff, and then went out and applied in real life. I could care less if you thought my advice was insightful or not. I received a lot of PM’s from people asking for advice, and I was happy to give it. I can’t expect to please everybody, especially someone with an ego like yours who likes to confront people at every possible chance. You haven’t liked me since you tried to confront my English abilities, so I can imagine the preconceived negative attitude you already have of me even before you read my posts. Hence the fact that you’re attacking my old dating advice, which has nothing to do with what we are talking about right now. As soon as you get defensive, the good grammar and big words start coming out.

I made it a point to separate game from romance. I even openly admitted "I don’t know much about relationships." Now you’re just lying and attacking me.

What? Where is the logic in that?

Being bad with women made me depressed throughout high school, and I found ways to help me get better. I was extremely interested in the subject, and I liked talking about it. Some of the questions people were asking were situations I had been through, so I offered my advice. How can you possibly make the connection that me giving advice relates to my attitude towards women?

Do you want to know why I have the opinion I do of the vaginarium? It’s because many of the guys who seem to be the "authority" on dating advice in there are the same guys who were just messaging me months ago telling me how their dating lives suck and wanted to talk to me about it. I’m not saying the whole vaginarium is like that of course, but there are many.

If I knew what I was supposed to transform into, and knew how to do that, I would. Jesus fuck I’d love to do that.
Socrates, being in a relationship is what reveals insecurities of that nature; not seeing a shrink.

The disaster of my first experience with love is what made me capable of my current experience.

Btw, I guess I confused your romantic advice with Viper’s or someone else’s. Are you sure you never applied pick-up advice to romance?

I agree that my relationship revealed the insecurities. But, I wasn’t smart enough to understand it or know what to do about it. I was always confused because I would tell myself "I thought I was good with women….what the hell is the matter with me."

My first serious relationship was ruined because of my insecurities while I was deployed, and my second relationship was ruined was because I was so terrified it would happen again that I wasn’t able to get close to anyone.

I feel that I’m ready now, and the next relationship will go much better.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’re right; my relationships did reveal my insecurities. However, my shrink gave me the tools I needed to overcome them. I still have an emptiness because of my childhood, but I’m actually able to enjoy my day now and be happy.

edit: To be honest, I don’t remember 90% of the advice I used to give, but I do remember being adamant about not giving serious relationship advice. Unless I came in drunk one night and felt like an expert on relationships, I don’t think I would have given that advice.

Yeah I’d be asking for my drinks to be "shaken, not stirred" if we could transform into whoever we want to be!

What are you doing to find out?

reading, follow advice, and going through the motions with a fake smile.
and yet many guys who are less physically attractive and less successful professionally can talk to women with no problems and have their pick of women to date
and don’t turn to alcohol, or you may well have to add a drinking problem to your list of woes

i’ve done this, and lost the pleasure of casual drinking as a result

Try. Fail. Observe the successful person who jumps into the hole left by your failure. Learn from it. Repeat as necessary.

I’m not a bar kinda guy, but the huge advantage to bars is that they’re chock-full of people who don’t give a shit about you, so you can totally fuck up and nobody will remember the next time you stop in for a practice session. Eventually, you’ll learn how to keep their attention on you despite all the other distractions, and at that point, you can stop going to bars and start going to places with people you actually want to be around without worrying about making a fool of yourself.

Related posts:

1. Ex-gf from 12 years ago is doing quite well for herself, makes me feel like nothing Yeah, so today I found out my ex-gf from 12...
2. So uhh, I just realized how much $ I have spent the past 7 years… on having 2 different, "nice" cars, and it’s pretty damn...
3. Abuse as a child v. gonna fuck me in the head? I can’t believe I’m even posting this, no one knows...

I look through the receipt jar and find this…

Look a little more closely…

This leads me to a search under the bathroom sink, turning up a POSITIVE test she had stashed in the back of the cupboard.

Why hasn’t she told me? Should I tell her I know? Suprise her with flowers? Let her tell me when she wants?

wtf?!? I’m not sure what to do.
shit tests are 18.00 now anyways man on a serious note she may be waiting for the right time to tell you i dont know wats the receipt dated in any case im not really sure what i would do definitly talk to her about it at some point but not sure what u would say
She probably bought one of those two or three packs. Hell, I would. I’d take test after test if one came back positive. SO would come home and there’d be a fucking pile stacked on the sink with me sobbing LOL.

In any case, give her her space. If she doesn’t tell you in a week, bring up how she’s acting a little weird, she seems stressed, letting her know you’re there for her.

Now I hate to be the one to ask this…but would your wife consider an abortion? She may be deciding if she wants to keep the child or not. Or maybe she’s waiting to get a blood test before telling you.

In any case, give her a little time and a little space. She probably has some stuff to work out with herself.
I concur with the above post on this. Give her time to tell you. Don’t pull it out of her because she might not be ready to let you know.

If she doesn’t let you know within a couple weeks, then bring it up. Heck, just ask her if she’s feeling all right and that she seems on the edge lately.
When’s the date on the receipt? Maybe she’s just waiting to tell you till she’s really really sure and has gone to the ob/gyn to have a blood test done. Have yall been planning/talking about/want to have kids?
If I were you I’d just wait a bit and see what happends. If this is a good thing for yall, she might be planning on telling you in some really cool/cute way so dont steal her thunder and ruin it.
If you havent been planning on having kids though, thats different, but I’d still wait a little bit to give her a chance to tell you.
I mean, its not like you guys have been abstinant and now you’re finding this, right? That’d be a whole different story.
the optimistic side of me says that she is planning a nice dinner or something with the surprise announcement

the pessimistic (driven by reading OT and it’s massive distrust of women in general) side says that she is hiding it for a reason

which would occam’s razor cover? the first one – she hid the test rather than threw it out – if she were unhappy about the test results, she would have destroyed all evidence.
My sister took a test, found out she was pregnant and then surprised her husband
Maybe she wants an abortion…in which case surprising her with flowers may not be a good idea.

Exactly. A lot of women (at least from what I’ve heard, I’ve never been pregnant) save the first positive pregnancy test they take as a ‘momento’ and sometimes include it in things like scrapbooks and babybooks.

.

I was going to say I doubt abortion is an idea since she saved the test. Women notoriously do that when they are excited over the baby. I bet she wants to surprise you….or is terrified and planning how to tell you.

Either way, I think surprising her would be a bad idea. Either wait or just excitedly say you found the test.
OH MY GOSH YOU’RE GOING TO BE A DADDY!!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Don’t tell her you know, otherwise you’ll never know if it’s someone else’s.
The receipt is from April 8th, two days ago. I checked.

I’m still torn. I can’t imagine why this would be a bad thing for her, but I don’t really know what she is thinking right now.

Oh man, it’s hard to keep my mouth shut.
Tell her this….

"Hey honey, you know, I ran into my old friend Chris’s ex-wife at the mall today. Did I ever tell you about him? One day on his way home from work, his car was pummeled by a diesel and he was killed instantly. His wife got the call about an hour later while she was at home planning a creative way to tell him that she was pregnant. She always said that her biggest regret was not telling him as soon as she found out. Perhaps if he would have known earlier, he wouldn’t have gone to work and would still be alive to see his baby. Wow! I couldn’t imagine living with that burden."
It’s not yours. Nah, I’m just kidding, but seriously, give it a week or two — see if she comes out with it, unless you don’t trust her and think she’d do something you’re worried about (Like abortion?).

Two whole days? Seriously dude, just wait. I’ve known girls who’ve waited a week past the first pregnancy test date to tell their husbands/SO’s.

winner!
I would imagine if she REALLY didn’t want you to know she would have gotten rid of the stick and shredded the receipt
She’s in the kitchen making dinner right now…

She thinks I don’t know. BUT I KNOW….

Oh yes, I know….

It’s really hard not to say something.
LOL you’re killing me. She’s probably waiting to see her gyno to make sure. Has she ever been pregnant before?

Hang in there Ace. oh, and act really surprised when she tells you Don’t blow it.

Occam’s razor says that she hasn’t told you because she doesn’t know yet.

Does anyone know if pregnancy tests turn positive if they sit too long?

Unless you put the test back in the exact same spot you found it in, she already knows you found it.

The test was just bought two days ago, and is nowhere near the expiry date (I checked). I put it back exactly as I found it. I did, however, keep the receipt for evidence.
I meant will a used test turn positive if it sits too long.

Doubtful. It responds to the presence of a hormone that is either there (pregnant) or not (not pregnant).

If the test is positive, it’s because the pregnancy hormone is in her urine, not from sitting with piss on it for a few days.

No they won’t.

Additional note for everyone: Pregnancy tests are 99.999 percent accurate, based on WebMD, Medline. If it’s positive, she’s pregnant. However, being the skeptic that I am, I would buy a second test and see a doctor for blood testing too.
Personally, I would hang back, enjoy the fact that you are going to be a father, but don’t attack her for not telling you. You never know she very well may be trying to think up some way to surprise you. Don’t fuck up something you’re not sure of.

Yes, they can due to evaporation lines.

Pregnancy test results are not reliable unless viewed within about the first 10 min.

what happens when she drinks it?

You can have a glass of wine while you’re pregnant.

That may be so but 99.9% of western women nowadays won’t touch any alcohol while preggo.

Eh, I doubt it’s that high a percentage. There are a lot of shitty ass mothers.

Most people are skeptical about this stuff anyway (wether they get the result they ‘want’ or not), which is why almost all pregnancy tests come in packs of two

Yeah, but it depends on what kind of test it is and what the symbols are. Some have a "-" for not pregnant and a "+" for pregnant, some have a "=" for pregnant and a "-" for not pregnant, some have a gd smiley for pregnant and a frown for not pregnant, so its hard to say they’ll "turn pregnant" if they sit too long – they just might not have the right kind of lines or something after that long…. but youre right they might not be accurate any more

Noted. I didn’t explain myself clearly. I meant there is evidence that you can drink a little bit and statistically not affect the baby but most mothers that are decent in the western world don’t care, don’t know and/or won’t touch it.

i strongly believe in a glass of wine a week while pregnant. its good for you

says vodka_lover

fixed
Just wait and see. Do something nice for her to show her you care about her. It might make her decision to tell you whats up a bit easier. If she is pregnant, she may be worried about your reaction or not know how to say it. As mentioned above, she could be considering abortion. If she doesn’t say anything in another week or so, or if your going to explode holding the secret, mention you’ve noticed she’s been acting odd the past little while and prompt her to tell you if anythings wrong.

Came in to post this. Seems everyone else missed it? Lol keep ups posted. My sister is having her baby sometime in the next week or two I am so excited

Maybe it was you who peed on the stick and it turned positive so you have testicular cancer?

(joke)

Let us know how it goes. I hope there isn’t anything sinister behind it

Good thing I’m up north then.

It’s prob not a bad thing, unless she thinks you might think it’s a bad thing. But I’m sure, as mentioned before, she is just waiting to surprise you.

Dude, he didnt mean western as in California or Texas
she could be cheating on you and doesnt want to tell you cause she thinks the baby isnt yours or is not sure either way.
Any updates on this man? we’re all hanging off our seats
She’s hiding it from you because she doesn’t want to get an abortion.

So the longer she waits without telling you, the less likely an abortion becomes.

It pisses me off how many guys are just total doormats — you are letting your woman get away with LYING and deceiving you.

Whatever, it’s too late for you, clearly she already has your nutz in her purse if this is acceptable behavior. Congrats daddy, no go chain yourself to a desk because you are going to be giving up your paycheck for the next 18 years.
UPDATE…

I asked my wife point blank, and she said she was just waiting to make sure. Later that day, she went to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, and started bleeding while she was there.

She WAS pregnant, now she isn’t.

Sucks.

I’m married for 5 years to her, with her for 8 before that, own a condo and both have 2 good, full-time jobs.

We are more than capable and ready to handle a baby.

She has had a miscarriage before, and didn’t want to get anyone excited, and it turns out she was right to do so.

You are an idiot.
I’m so sorry. That’s heartbreaking.

I hope that you are successful when you’re ready to try again.
Oh no, that’s devastating. How are you both coping with it all?
We are doing OK. It’s time to see some specialists and see if there is some sort of issue that is causing her to miscarry.

She’s had at least 2 miscarriages, and thinks she may have had a third between the other 2.

A few people we know who had similar problems went through some sort of anti-biotic therapy for the woman, which apparently helped them a lot.

We’ll see…
I’d probably fall apart if that had all been happening to me, I’d just completely die inside.

If she’s turned a kind of crimson colour with the hugs she could probably do with a little more squeezing, go for a nice bright purple.

Have you had any children together before?

No children, just bad luck.

Thanks for the well-wishes guys!
Hopefully the specialist will be the barer of ‘this is easily fixable!’ news.
Here’s hoping your luck turns around.

Dot!
Yeah. It’s not like the parts don’t work at all, it’s just that the embryos haven’t remained viable.

Got my fingers crossed…

Why would you even consider your wife cheated on you if you have been together that long.

My wife had a miscarriage and was put on Progesterone supplements when she got pregnant the next time. Basically she just had a lack of progesterone development which means that the embryo wouldn’t attach correctly and therefore become unviable.

Best of luck
My aunt went through the same thing. She and my uncle tried for about 10 years while married, went through treatments….came out in the end with two healthy little boys.

Good luck. Hope it turns out well for y’all

wtf are you talking about?

Good info. Thanks!

We need all the hope we can get! Thanks!
Everyone who prays is praying for you, everyone who wishes is wishing for you, and everyone who smiles will smile at the thought of your dreams coming true.

I’m in a mushy mood *shh*
So so sorry to hear this My prayers are with the both of you

Dont give up hope man. My sister had 2 miscarriages. She is now on baby #3 and actually due tonight/tomorrow! It was rough for our family for a while but now shes going to have a healthy baby boy!
Oh God, that’s so terrible. I’m sorry things turned out that way. I agree with the above, miscarriages are never a certain sign that you won’t be able to have a baby. Good luck.

Holy sugary-teeth-rotting-sweet batman. I think I just became a fuckin’ diabetic thanks to you, shit, where is my insulin?!

even after my wife would test positive with an at home test, she still went to the gyno to get tested.

i take it this wasn’t a planned pregnancy? How do you feel about having a child?

edit: oh wow, sorry.

My aunt and uncle had a similar experience, but came out with 4 boys and a girl.

OP: best of luck as you two move forward with whatever treatment they give you.
My mom had two miscarriages before she had me..then six years later she had my little sister. I’m in my 20′s and my sister and I are both healthy and happy. Best of luck you will be in my thoughts.
I know it’s a bit early now that y’all are just now starting to talk to doctor’s about possible conditions and treatments…but have y’all discussed adoption at all? You should probably at least begin that conversation.
After reading the first few pages I was about to say that some women think that it is just them that get pregnant and end up taking weeks to tell their partners that they are pregnant. Some buy personalised beer with labels, others t-shirts and what not. I don’t understand it. You both fall pregnant, it shouldn’t be hidden from the dad at all – unless of course there is bad blood and then you ask why are you sleeping with the guy.

Then I read further and that sucks I think your wife should have let you in on it. Regardless of wanting to be sure or just seeing what happened, she should of let you share the joy and the pain with her.

Good luck in the future
i came in to post that if the test shows shes pregnant she can still get her period.

My gf’s friend thought she was pregnant and told her bf who flipped out on her saying if she keeps it they ruined there lives (17/18 lol) But she apparantly got it.

I’m so sorry to hear that

I hope you get a little Jr. in the future!

It has been talked about, and neither of us are really sure what we think of the whole idea. It’s not something to enter into without being fully committed to the idea.
BTW, thanks for all the well wishes! It really is appreciated.

Good luck finding someone to take you seriously.
My wife had 2 miscarriages before being able to carry the baby full term. We are due on May 4th.

The thing about the miscarriages that just drove me up the wall is that I couldn’t find anyone that was willing to look into WHY she had 2 miscarriages back to back.

Even the most compassionate doctors just shrugged there shoulders and were like, ‘Thems the breaks.’.

A lot of things make me happy about this pregnancy, but the short of it is I don’t know if I could have taken a 3rd or a 4th miscarriage.

I’m glad y’all have at least talked about it a bit. Communication is key with situations like this. Wish y’all the best!

This is not the main forum.

My bad.. i didnt realize. sorry, hopefully everything works out.

Oh wow, dodged bullet.

My husband and I went through a similar experience having multiple miscarriages and nobody could tell us why. We’re both relatively young and healthy, all the parts worked but it just wasn’t happening. We gave up trying for awhile because it was starting to get so frustrating and depressing. About 2 years later we got totally surprised . I went to the Dr. because I felt a lump in one of my breasts, they hurt so bad and I thought I had cancer or something terrible,(never had any of the normal pregnancy stuff like nausea, this was my only symptom) but instead I found out I was actually pregnant with our adorable little boy Jake. He is happy, healthy and the spitting image of Daddy.

Good luck to you and your wife.

i was hoping for a happy update but i will send positive thoughts yalls way. there are lots of things to try to help get pregnant. all the best for yall.

READ the update!
at least she’s eating healthy

@ best buy cheese

Im sorry to hear this mate. Remember, MOST women have at least one miscarriage, and many women have several, before they have a baby. Hang in there.
Been there about three months ago dude. Miscarrying is rough all-around. Like you mentioned, most women have had a miscarriage in one way or another in their life. Most don’t even know it.

Related posts:

1. Issues with pregnant girl I don’t even know what the fuck to talk about....
2. Girl..Pregnant I just needed some advice. I’ve worked with this girl...
3. So the wife is leaving me It’s a long story that I’m not explaining. I am,...

I’ve found that ending therapy can be both exciting and terrifying at the same time. The first time I quit, I did so because I just wasn’t learning anymore. I mean every issue I had I could figure out what to do…..now THAT was huge progress but I didn’t want to leave because I thought I’d find an issue I couldn’t solve. Then I remembered, I could always go back if I needed to.

So every time I’ve left, I just talked with my therapist and set an end date. I didn’t just stop going, it was also a process and I’m glad I did it that way.
i think it’s finished when you’ve accomplished the goals you’ve set for yourself.

Or when your therapist gets too close and you start to get annoyed/scared.

Oh I disagree….that’s when the real work starts.

Related posts:

1. Starting therapy, what should I expect I’m starting therapy this week. The plan was to start...
2. What to expect from a therapist / therapy. Hello all. Let me start by saying thank you to...
3. psychiatrist or psychologist basically the past few years i have been in a...

I didn’t even go through this when I Left my wife.

i guess i’m not looking for any help… I know what I have to do. But in truth i’m going to keep fighting to keep her and ultimatly end up destroying my soul. I’m just tred of being everyones second choice or "back up guy".

Thanks for lending me your mind…. Have a great day!
It sounds like a "fling" to me. She’s a middle-aged woman who probably doesn’t get much attention from men in her age group. She is looking for fun and she found it with you. Relationships with that much of an age difference typically don’t last in the long term.

I had a relationship once with a single mother in her early 30′s while I was in my early 20′s. Although the sex was fun and amazing, the relationship didn’t last because we were in different places in our lifes. That and she had an 8 year old and a 10 year old kid and I wasn’t looking to settle down in my early 20′s.

You’re still young, don’t get crazy over 1 relationship. Enjoy it while it lasts but realize that you will have several more relationships after this one until the day you grow old and die.
Your problem is that you don’t put order into the chaos. Look at your current life, and you will see that the overlapping situations are the cause of the problems which are currently messing up your life. , where you should keep things seperated. You should stop mixing them, because it makes you lose focus on what you want in life.

Its like having one leg in one swamp, and putting the other leg in another swamp, my advice: Only Do 1 thing(or swamp) at the time, finish what you start. Life sometimes is about falling, and then standing up and moving on again.

For instance with your ex-wife, whereas you keep the situation lingering and then see another woman you’re putting too much hay on your fork. Of course you want company but you should have ended your old relationship and divorced her, then give time to heal yourself ,before you moved on into a new relationship.

Same counts for your deployment, your in the army with one leg, and in a relationship with the other leg, do you see what i mean that if you do both you get torn apart? Because you are being pulled to pieces by all these different situations you are in simultaniously. You want to be with your love BUT you can’t because you are being deployed by the army. My dear man GO ONE DIRECTION in your life at the time.

You must learn that you can’t have everything in life. But on the other hand you can be happy with what you have if you look back to appreciate it. Every choice that you make in life has consequenses attached to it.

Therefore before making a choice THINK: What risks and consequenses are there to any given choice. In this case this married woman, has an attachment which is the husband.

In the end your happyness or misery is the result of the personal choices you make in life, that’s why i press you on the heart not to think light of the choices you make in life. THINK before you do and MAKE UP YOUR MIND on what you want, before going for the kill. Only do 1 thing at the time. End what you start and start again if something ends.

Exactly what I needed.

No related posts.