I think I’m writing this because I believe it will help me come to terms with my thoughts, my feelings, and it will give me something grounding to fall back on. Maybe I will look back at myself and shake my head for being such an idiot. Maybe I’ll be glad I preserved a moment in time where I thought a certain way about certain things in life. Either way, the reason I’m writing this is selfish, although I do write it without embarrassment if someone I know were to accidentally find this, and really find out who I am.

I feel like, without exception, I am almost always constantly deceitful on some level. There is this inner part of me that I don’t let anyone see, and people talk about defense mechanisms and ways around which we all cope with being hurt, and those preventative steps we take. I think maybe why that’s why I want to write this, as a relief from that. Even now as I write this I quickly tab away out of fear of someone walking by, so I still hold this away from everyone else. For now, it’s much more comfortable despite my saying I wouldn’t care if someone found this, to take measures that no one DOES find this. And there are layers still, beyond this writing, of myself which I will most likely never reveal to anyone, as I see them as too dark, too personal, and too painful and scary to face. I also struggle to find a reason why some of these layers would even be worth surfacing. After all, most people hold their dark parts inside and get along life just fine, I think. Then again, other people can get along in life just fine without writing to themselves as a way to cope with the unreality they feel their life has become. But there you have it.

I will, as an exercise, do my best to not go back and re-read what I’m writing until after I’ve completed my thoughts or felt satisfied with what I’ve put down in the present tense. More like eating to my fill versus writing eloquent exposition.

It’s hard to really start this thing. For now, all I can say is that I feel for someone so strongly, I can easily and safely say that I have never felt this way about anyone in my life ever, and that for now it is impossible for me to imagine ever knowing anyone as absolutely perfect as she is.

Also, if I were to divulge this to nearly anyone I know, it would ruin my life and destroy a network of foundations and trust.

I worry over obsession, and against my predilections I try and tell myself I am not obsessed. But then I begin to question what the word obsession is even referring to. It’s often used as an insult, and is always seen negatively. Reframing it to something like “infatuation” doesn’t change the feeling itself, and I find myself on a search for a word that I think aptly describes what I feel. Due to circumstances, I feel the need to search for the right word, or phrase if the case may be, to describe my feelings for this person.

But, even while typing this, I have a conclusive word in mind. I search for other words not because I think there may be one more appropriate, but because by exhausting all other possibilities, I may rest my head on the one word I already know is the answer, and do so more comfortably. I want this comfort because it gives me grounding, a foundation, assurance knowing that what I feel is real. It’s also interesting to conclude because one can never know this feeling unless you experience it for yourself (though all emotions are this way), but it is so rare, and so intense, that when it comes along it makes all other emotions pale in the corner. You get sad and laugh at the same time, because it’s just like people say: it really is a drug. A badass drug.

I’m giving up the search for another word. I know the word.

It is love. I love her. I need time to stare at that sentence and let that sink in.
_______________________________________________

It is a pretty pathetic sentence.

Looking at the sentence, and feeling the emotion, there is no comparison. Anyone who has felt it can most likely relate. I’m finally grokking how clumsy words are.

It took 26 years, and a slew of relationships ranging from one night stands to completely committed, to finally truly know what everyone is talking about when they talk about love.

And despite how intimately close we are, and even the look I sometimes catch her send my way, I am not allowed to have her. It makes me want to throw up, but I barely eat lately.

Even now I question how real what I’m feeling is, and all I can say is I’ve felt the sting of high school crushes, the hurt of college love, and even the pain of being cheated on. But I’m realizing that everything leading up to this is completely eclipsed by what I feel now.

I’ll explain more in following posts.

At least work is distracting.
Hi Catch

I’ve felt the same way about somethings and when I search inside myself and really think about the bad things then those things will run over and over again through my minds eye. They will sit ferment and will destroy you and put you into this negative state.

I was in a really bad relationship, I was engaged to this girl who I was deeply in love with and she left me and I thought my life was over. This was because my life was focused mainly around her and helping her. So what happened after was I took control of my life and thought of all the positive things and what I wanted out of life.

So I really feel for you and I think if you search inside yourself you will find what you really want out of life and guess what… YOU CAN GET IT!!!
The only advice I have at the moment is: make sure you’re not just in love with the idea of her. While performing this analysis, keep in mind that she too has an inner being she doesn’t show just anyone, and that part of her you cannot know unless she’s already showed it to you. If there hasn’t already been that moment of "oh wow, she’s telling me things she never tells anyone," then there is still something about her you don’t know. This doesn’t invalidate your feelings, but it does mean they they are not as well-informed as you may imagine they are. After all, it is very hard to consider the magnitude and significance of things (in this case, her innermost secrets) that you don’t know about, and it’s much easier to ignore the blind spot and assume you know everything there is to know. Again, that doesn’t make your feelings invalid, but it does mean you should continue to harbor at least a little doubt about whether you really love her or just your idea of her.

I would be interested to know why you "can’t have her." Last time I checked, you can have anyone who wants you to have them.
You are feeling ‘vulnerable’, and the fear of getting hurt has made your heart a murderhole, full of emotions that want to get out of that ,and emotions which need to be expressed in order to keep your sanity.

However what you need is a safe haven to dock your emotions at. This can be done with very trustworthy friends or here in the Asylum as it is moderated to guide and protect your emotions.

The most important thing is not to become a prisoner of your fear, fear is a prison with an open door, its better to go thru the pain and move thru that door so that you can move on with your life, then to put your life at a hold and become stagnant in the place were you are.
A huge part of my fear then is admitting to myself that according to my own judgments and standards, and indeed the standards of others, I am a huge piece of shit.

I am currently in a relationship in which I have become emotionally disconnected from my paramour. I think she’s great, and I love her and, no bullshit, I want her to be happy. When I say emotionally disconnected, it’s like I feel for her, and I still have empathy and even certain thoughts about what she’s going through bring me to tears as I feel what she feels….

But I just don’t "love" love her like I used to, and it scares me. I’m not in denial, but I am protecting her from this thought, because I don’t think she deserves to hear that she’s done nothing wrong but none the less I don’t love her like I used to. To hear that would devastate her, and she’s in such a fragile position as it is, and this gets into where I’m a big piece of shit.

I have known that I don’t love her how I used to for a while now. I wasn’t sure before, and when i get so torn up thinking about her sometimes I don’t know that I’m sure now, but I don’t think I’m a 100% sure kind of guy.

I’m a piece of shit because she has just graduated with her B.S., and will be leaving the country at the end of July to teach English in another country, and I am using this event as an excuse to break up with her. I plan to spell out the reasons why it won’t work, many of which I believe to be true: the hour differential between us, our mutual unavailability due to work, the expense of travelling there to see her weighed against my own current needs to finance my education, the general level of stress we’ve both been under, and the fact that if we stay together (despite the fact that I don’t feel AS deeply, the depth is still there) it will hurt me to have the expectation of someone and constantly be let down/let them down with absence. I do this too knowing others who have had too difficult a time maintaining a relationship they already felt shaky with once it goes long distance.

I perhaps have a strange way of coming to my own conclusions. One of the primary assurances I’ve leaned on in my efforts to understand how I feel has been to ask myself a question regarding children. Now, I have no plans any time soon to have kids. I am neither emotionally nor financially prepared to introduce a little half-version of myself to the world. But I know I want kids one day, and posing this question benefits me in thinking about my relationship long-term. I have never wanted to say it, and I don’t think I ever will tell her.

But, I ask myself, when I look at her, do I see the potential mother of my children? There is no wavering in my mind’s immediate response: no. A flat, no.

I have brought up the fact that she’s leaving and I don’t know that we will work out, and she acknowledges what I’ve said but doesn’t address it… it is a strange feeling.

And I can’t tell if it’s because I had been so stressed out with her and was already emotionally distant, or my interactions with others satisfying my emotional needs caused me to become emotionally distant…

But all I know is that every day I feel like I’m living a lie and putting on a happy face so that she doesn’t have to live knowing that I am a terrible person. We will break up, she will be upset, but I’ve done my homework and know that this will be best for her, as she will get swept up in another culture and really won’t have time to be too heartbroken, and won’t sit around torturing herself over our disconnect. I honestly think this timing is the easiest way for her to move on.

Meanwhile, I had been fostering a friendship that I did not realize I felt so strongly about, and don’t know what I could have done other than avoided it altogether… but it’s so hard to turn away from what you see as possibly the best thing to walk into your life. Mutually being in separate relationships (at the time) helped to maintain respectful distance, but cultural differences clouded knowing whether or not certain interactions were appropriate. I would catch myself occupying too much of my thinking toward "how can I make her laugh?" and even now, no matter how bad I feel about the overall situation, cannot help but feel completely just… at peace when I’m talking with her. My slow realization at how deeply my feelings had been growing kind of happened in a rush, though the feelings themselves had been developing over the course of six/seven months since meeting her…

And once again, it’s how she looks at me. I would stake everything on that look, but there are complications… and yes I feel so vulnerable.

More to come, and being able to write this out just makes me feel immensely better. I’m honestly shocked.

Too, I appreciate the reassurance.

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