yeah, so like the title says, I’m getting pretty tired of living. Not because my life is bad or anything; I have an awesome wife, and we’re more or less comfortable financially, but life is just boring as fuck and there’s not really anything that makes me happy.

I’ve realized that I have a lot of "things" that we have accumulated over the years that I’ve been buying to fill some sort of happiness void in my life. In the past 7 years we’ve had over 20 cars, a few motorcycles, moved to a different city, lived in 7 different houses or apartments and we recently bought a house. However, none of these things have made me "happy" for more than a week or two, then the newness wore off and everything was boring and uninteresting again.

what is the point of doing the exact same thing every day without getting anything out of living? It is like I am just going through the motions of life and faking happiness. I don’t consider myself depressed, because I don’t "feel" depressed, I just don’t really give a flying fuck whether I get killed on my way to work or win the lottery, everything is just "meh". Nothing positive, nothing negative, just "meh".

almost 2 years ago I realized that I was pretty much done being alive, and I thought it was because I was morbidly obese (5’10, 326lbs) so I started going to the gym and eating better and ended up getting down to 210. We started doing a lot more things outside (bought a kayak and go kayaking and also go hiking and stuff) While I feel a lot better physically, I still don’t really see the point in living, what is the point? I’m 28 years old and the only think keeping me from /myself is the fact that I don’t want to hurt my wife or my family

what the fuck is wrong with me?

but, why?

I’ve talked to counselors before because I was a fucked up little kid, but I’ve generally been the same since high school. I used to have a really bad temper, but I realized that nothing is important, and life REALLY sucks if you go through it all pissed off at everything. However, the whole "fuck it" attitude sort of backfired when cool shit also started to not matter

really, i just don’t give a shit about anything one way or the other. All of it is entirely pointless and inconsequential.

Why not? How could trying something new hurt?

Going to a therapist as a child is a lot different than going as an obviously depressed adult.

it is easier and cheaper to just talk it out on OT

and I’m not depressed, I just don’t care about anything. I just don’t see much point in continuing to be alive. I’ve experienced pretty much everything I have any interest in, I’m pretty much done.

Well OT isn’t a professional, far from it

Just out of curiousity, what all have you experienced? I get the feeling you are against trying new things outside your immediate comfort zone.

we’ve got 3 cats and a bunch of fish

I took acid a while back and in the middle of my trip I broke down and started crying because at that point there was NOTHING I wanted more than to be a daddy

then I got kind of scared because what if like everything else I’ve ever wanted and got then got bored of after a month. A kid is a huge responsibility, there is no going back on that one…

we’ve been to cancun and did that whole thing, I went to college, we went hiking in the redwoods in california, we went and visited someone special in BC and had an AMAZING time (literally best time of my life), I’ve been all over the country with my dad growing up as a kid, I got really involved with the texas a&m sports car club and then with dailydrifter down in houston. I had a badass turbo 240 that was awesome at drifting and then became a badass track car for the guy that bought it from me.

Like I said, I’ve done pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted to do

Maybe that’s the kind of responsibility you need. It’s something new that WON’T get boring. Just imagine all the time and energy you can invest in raising a human being. I don’t know what kind of person you are but I’ve always looked forward to the dad part in my life. I can’t wait to get to mold my own kid! If everything else is boring in YOUR life, why not bring joy and excitement into other people’s lives? You might be surprised how it will affect you.

honestly, that’s almost the exact same thought that I had.

my wife and I talked about it after that trip I had and she got off her birth control meds and now I’m rawdogging her.

we’re definitely not trying to get her pregnant, but if it happens it happens and we’ll deal with it. Ultimately it would be best if she didn’t get pregnant until february or march, that way she would be done with grad school by the time the kid arrived.
sorry if this was already answered but have you talked to your wife about your feelings? Like really talked to her about it?

I wouldn’t count on a kid to fix your life

about my feelings of emptiness and perpetual blandness?

no, not really.

I think it could go either way. Unimaginable win or incomprehensible fail.

you should;

I’m kind of in the same quarter life crisis boat; and i’ve been having health issues that have been kicking my ass. I’ve finally got a surgical consultation this week.

I take things a day at a time and I know things will eventually get better.
Do you travel much? Have you considered getting rid of everything and jumping into a different lifestyle? Say, sell eveything off, buy a sailboat, and sail where ever you feel like going.

that’s a pretty cool story. I’ve been through the whole "ego death" thing with both an acid trip and a salvia trip, but never an actual NDE.

salvia scared the everliving motherfuck out of me, and acid made me believe in the idea that consciousness is everlasting and that our body is just a temporary vessel for it to live in. Another reason I don’t want to /myself is because I don’t want to screw my chances on seeing what goes on after our bodies die. I’m pretty sure that once you/yourself, that’s it because you made a conscious decision to no longer live.

you couldn’t pay me to go into the gulf on a sailboat, much less an ocean.

besides, there is no conceivable way that I could afford to do something like that.

Sure you could. It’s actually pretty cheap.

if we sold everything we owned, we would still be at least 50k in the hole thanks to student loans and credit cards.

So disappear.

she’s too attached to her family for that to happen. Maybe if the shit hits the fan, but right now disappearing isn’t an option

then what? do all of life’s problems magically disappear after a vacation?

no, I sure as fuck wouldn’t expect them to.

I went berserk when I read that quote.

I almost have the same feelings as you! It is so frustrating. One time I went on a very good trip and I was like so what?! I couldn’t really get excited by anything. My main problem is motivation I think, but I dont think it is your case. cause you already have done a lot and they just didn’t satisfy you as much as you thought they should do!

I think we should try to teach ourselves to enjoy stuff, I don’t exactly know how though! Maybe this time when you are walking in nature take a moment to find the beauty in it, or the next time you see your wife try to think how much you think she is beautiful and how much you are happy that you are alive and with her or stuff like that. I got a phase like this which was much harsher than what I am in now. I couldn’t care about anything! that situation was hard to bear really and I remember I suddenly found something that I couldnt be careless about: children! I found I can always love children and enjoy being with them, then I came into the recovery path and started finding other stuff in life more beautiful and enjoyable.

I hope my words made sense to you! becuz it is hard to write all those feelings down sometimes.

Nothing dissappears, you will just have a different outlook on them.
I’ve only read to this post.

You ARE depressed. You may not *feel* depressed but everything you said in these first few posts points that way.
Maybe lead your life for the sake of others and you’ll realize that your happiness and your fulfillment most likely comes from the happiness/contentment you bring others.
Depression & apathy aren’t the same.

Interesting you say you had temper problems … I can see my fiance in exactly the same place as you in a couple of years. He’s been doing a lot to get the temper & rage under control because it hurts the relationship, but I have considered the possibility that he needs that in order to feel period.

I know I depend on anger to manipulate myself into feeling quite often, but I’ve got some weird brain junk going on.

I’m feeling due for an enlightening psychedelic experience myself. Can I ask what about salvia was so freaky? I only had one bad experience (Of several uses) & I swore that the trip itself permitted Salvia to communicate with me and it scolded/warned me for not using it in a suitable manner.

There is much to be said for adopting new lifestyles. Existence in civilized places doesn’t always fulfill people the way they need to be fulfilled.

Something I’ve noticed about myself is that I can’t move past my big problems without certain factors in my life being exactly as I need them to be. Like love, my home, my family … I finally found the kind of person who can love me the way I need to be loved & a home that lets me feel like I’m really at home, but there’s some shit w/my family that I think about CONSTANTLY. Kind of obsessed w/problems, I guess, but if there’s some shit you can solve & put out of your mind to improve your appreciation of life itself then your feelings ARE important & you ought to put some more effort into resurrecting them.

I ramble. Sorry.
I think you need to devote yourself to cause and devote your life to something that will outlast it.

What I mean is, you are not fulfilled with your life and you are bored because you don’t really have anything you are passionate about. Your life is probably "textbook". It’s simple. There are no challenges. There is nothing to look forward to. It’s all routine.

The happiest people you will ever meet are the people who are devoting themselves to something they are extremely passionate about. I mean, that’s part of the reason why religion is so popular…because the ideals are something for people to focus their creative desires on and it’s a way to focus on something that’s more concrete and more "eternal" than the shit that’s around us that we recognize as "futility".

And don’t worry if you don’t have any idea what you are passionate about. Just start trying things, man. Break out of your comfort zone though. For instance, try volunteering at a children’s home. Do as much as you can to be around kids actually. Why? Because kids have a zeal for life that most adults lose. At some point we "grow up" and in growing up we forget what was really good about life.

my modus operandi

will not recommend it to others, 404 fulfilling

I figured you would find this thread

salvia was intense because I literally left my consciousness and got to see another version of me in another time die by drowning.

scared the FUCK out of me, seriously. I went into the trip all then came out of it soaked in sweat from head to toe (I was literally dripping) and on the verge of tears.

the other stuff you said about not feeling because I don’t deal with anger anymore kind of makes sense. If you don’t care about anything it is really easy to not get pissed off, but really difficult to be happy.

life just sucks because I have everything I need and have no reason to bitch but I still feel empty inside and it annoys me that I don’t feel like I’m supposed to. If all life is is this for the next 50 years, I don’t really want to have anything to do with it.
oh, and I talked to my wife about this a couple of nights ago and she thought it was because I didn’t love her anymore.

Back in january I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life, now I’m just going through the motions until I die.

I keep having these fucked up thoughts about just hitting a bridge at 150mph on my bike, or crossing over traffic and getting plowed head on by a gravel truck, or simply just jumping off of a bridge …. hmm, I guess I am depressed.

le sigh

I don’t do these things because I know it would crush my family, they’re so proud of me because I went to college and got a job and bought a house and didn’t become a fuckup like my cousins, but really I haven’t done anything special at all.

possibly?

darker tone here vs. initial post, but at least yer admitting the depression…your thoughts on the ‘therapy’ are along the lines of mine fwiw…maybe it was the person you were talkin to, maybe it wasnt, maybe its worth goin to another one, maybe its not…i havent…some of it cuz things can be looked at different ways and still be accurate, the views i have make sense to me, the other way of looking at it calls for too much disbelief, but then again thats me…just cuz i do something one way doesnt mean others should….may i refill your flavoraid???

wifes reaction….ya thats a danger of telling people, you end up hurting them, cuz they blame themselves, then second guess almost everything going on after that….

wrote up a longpost, reread it, and deleted it …the jist of it is that everything isnt as it always seems…LOTS of people are in the same boat, not that thats really at all comforting, or an excuse to not TRY to work thru w/e it is, but moar to put moar perspective on things…theres plenty of people that people (maybe you) consider special or done special things, and they dont think so, and inversely people who think theyre special and no one else does, and its not a competition, there are people better off than you, people worse off….and people putting on a great show…

in the past ive made a list of people who plead guilty of crimes, mostly against kids or pets, and got miniscule penatiles, so before i was gonna kill myself i was gonna at least do some good right, lol…but that was in my teens and twenties…will admit ive had vehicles in my lane and not moved, cuz hay if they hit me, Im worth quite a bit dead….logging truck was in my lane this afternoon, i didnt budge, he got over to his side jit…in the meantime, i like my dogs
I wonder if I might have experienced the same thing with the numbing of feeling because I tried to control my anger. I used to have MAJOR anger problems when I was 14/15, then I started to chill out a lot. However, I also don’t quite feel emotions like I used to. Basically, it seems like nothing really matters anymore because I adopted a "whatever" attitude in order to deal with my anger and maybe this suppressed my other emotions also? I think I used to feel a bit more happy and kind of "knew" myself a lot better before I started trying to control my anger. Sure, my social circle has improved immensley since I’m not raging all the time, but I also kind of feel like an emotionless zombie sometimes. I feel like I lost my sense of self. Fuck, is there anyway to control the anger without getting rid of the rest of your emotions? Medication of some sort? I still occasionally feel the rage build up inside me, but I never let it out anymore because I’ve learned to dull its influence on me so I don’t "feel" it so strongly and thus I don’t usually act on it.

It’s ok, lots of ppl do too

including your’s truly

Salvia has been the most unpredictable substance I’ve come across. Acid can be unpredictable, but mostly in terms of duration (In my experience.).

Mushrooms have been most enlightening/inspiring though I’ve appreciated the criticisms that salvia seems to influence.

I didn’t mean to say that you might not be feeling because you’re not dealing with anger. It’s a possibility, but there are possibly other things from your past or present that can be posing obstacles – not just the feelings you are avoiding, either. Things you might have to talk to other people about to work ‘em out. They could be the reason you started avoiding/not feeling anger or anything else for that matter.

Also, I’ve become incredibly bored with my circumstances when I’ve known that everything in my life is about to change. The change isn’t imminent because of plans in the works, I just sense that change is coming & everything becomes dull as I anticipate events that will lead me somewhere new. I had the feeling a couple months ago & am now waiting. The last time I had it it took several months for the change to come so I guess I have a month or more until things are turned around again. Last time I felt change coming I met my fiance. This time, I’m hoping that my health situation is next on the list so I can start living again.

Maybe you feel the way you do because you’re due for a big change or addition.

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