My husband and I have been married 2 years next week and over the weekend he told me that he felt we moved too fast, getting married was a mistake and he "does not think we have anything in common and are better off as friends verse partners."

For the past few months I have been making comments on how we do not spend quality time together, our sex life dwindled to almost nothing, and he just did not seem interested – no hand holding, cuddling etc (in his defense he does not like PDA) however there was very few times we were touchy-feely at home.

Since not having anything in common was the basis behind this I asked him for a list of the things he enjoys talking about/doing and the only 2 things that I am not gun-hoe about are computers and soccer. Now, I know enough about computers to hold an intelligent conversation so that leaves soccer. After hearing the list I tried initiating some conversations about his topics – one of them being politics. Now, seeing as how he said he is interested in politics he did not know the basics of politics such as what a platform is, the difference between republican and democrat, etc.

He is being so contradictory and confusing and the politics conversation is just one example.

I have no idea what to think at this point. I am so hurt and angry all at the same time. He agreed to counseling, which I appreciate. I’m not even sure what I want at this point though. I obviously want to work this out (I believe we have communication issues, not hobby issues, which I think and hope can be helped) but part of me wants to just say f-it. If he feels this way now I am not sure a counselor is going to get him to see anything differently.

Sigh.
Honestly, I would just leave his ass. There are plenty of other people out there that will treat you better, and you know it.
The fact that he agreed to do marriage counseling is honestly a really great sign from him, he hasn’t lost ALL faith.

Can I ask how long you two were together before marriage?

We have been together 4 years total – 2 of those being married.

Interesting. I was expecting you to say something under a year, like a shotgun wedding.

I hate to try and stir the pot here but I worry there’s something else going on….
If there are no kids involved, I would just cut my losses.

As far as dating goes things were a little rushed – we moved in early, got engaged early, but our engagement was almost a year and a half.
I asked if there was someone else and he says no. We are young so I almost feel like he feels that he missed out when he was younger and now wants to regress and live the life he may feel he did not get to. If this makes sense? I keep hashing this out in my head trying to make sense of it all. So many of his actions are contradictory. He says one thing then does the complete opposite.

For example: I used to bug him about cuddling with me before bad and he hated it. So after our talk about divorcing I stopped cuddling with him – and low and behold he starts cuddling with me. Not that I mind cuddling – but if you complain to me that you dont like it then why initiate the very thing you complained about?

These seem like such small minuscule things when I write them down.

(and there are no kids involved)
He is just making up excuses but to me, what it sounds like is you guys got married too young and now, he wants to relive the bachelor years he never had.

It’s a great thing that he wants to go to counseling but counseling only works if you both want to work at it and are able to compromise.
I’m a pessimistic bastard, but is there the possibility that he is cheating on you? The "I love you, but I’m not in love with you" conversation is TEXT BOOK affair talk.
you want to be with someone that has to be brainwashed to be able to be with you?

same here.. the 2 years is kind of surprising and the fact that its worked another 2 and is now down the toilet.

When did things begin to spiral downwards? Do you fight? What do you fight about?

No, and that is where I am torn between trying to work it out or just saying "do what you want to do." I am very happy that he is willing to attend counseling, it shows effort on his part but provided we work things out and stay together I think this might always be in the back of my mind.

I don’t think he has an affair, I think it’s more that he wants to relive the bachelor years.

How old are you both?

Maybe its not the relationship and is in fact issues he needs to address within himself ..

Things were great at first – the honeymoon phase. Then when we moved in together we started having have arguments which have gotten worse and better. We go through phases – or so I thought. I actually thought that things had gotten better between us, our arguments had lessened. He said they lessened because he just stopped responding to what I had to say.

Things we fight about:
I have OCD which tends to be one extreme or the other. Ex: the house has to be really clean or not clean at all.

Money: We are very lucky to have what we have – however we grew up to different ways. I grew up with no money watching my parents choosing between electricity and water. He grew up spoiled getting whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. Therefore, I always worry about money because I believe that it can be gone in an instant where he doesn’t feel this way.

Quality Time: He works a lot. All Day at the office, and pretty much all evening at home. (He is in IT) I have been fairly understanding about this but I think that where "there is a will there is a way" so if spending time with me was really that important regardless of his work responsibilities he would make time. We have some time together, but for the most part it’s not quality time where we are connecting.

Trust: We both have broken each others trust throughout the relationship. I have actually gained trust in him over the last year or so – but ironically he doesn’t believe me. He still thinks I do not trust him. I think that my actions should tell him I trust him.

I could go on, but these are what I think are the major things.

One thing I can say is that things always get worse when I defend myself or am independent. Ex: I did not start to drive until I was 20 (long story cars scared the heck out of me) when I finally started driving and we purchased a car we had so many arguments about me driving. We have discussed this and he says it is not true. I have been told (and taken it with a grain of salt) that he has been this way for a while. I am good friends with his ex and there are a lot of similarities with their relationship and ours.

Edit: I am 22 and he is 26
While his reasons seem a little weak, his wanting to get out of the marriage is something huge.

And I just read "we have broken each others trust throughout the relationship". Just get the divorce. If the trust is in question, there’s no point to being married.

What were the trust incidents? What does he believe you say/do that indicates you dont trust him now?

While we are only hearing one sde of the story, I still believe there may be issues he needs to address within his own life before you two will be happy .. (ie. workaholic, perhaps some past trust/relationship issues that are playing out in this one as well, and him not liking you driving and becoming less dependant on him)

+1 for that.

If kids are involved then fight, fight, fight for the marriage.

If no kids are involved then whatever happens happens, try to keep it peaceful.

That being said HAVING A CHILD IS NOT A WAY TO KEEP THE MARRIAGE TOGETHER.
He is unhappy with you, and thinks the grass is greener somewhere else. You two have only brought arguments and distrust into eachothers lives. If there’s no basis of trust then that’s the end of any given relationship.

You’ve been changing yourself into something you are not just to suit him, honestly no man would expect from their wives to love soccer, not even computers. I honestly don’t think you should be doing that either, he should love you for who you are.

You know instead of asking him a list about what he likes, it would have been (although more painfull) better to ask him a list about what he dislikes about you.

Since you two are going to get marriage counseling i would ask him to make such a list and give it to the counceller and then the counceller could go thru these things with you, and see how you could form a better basis for future intereaction.

Reading all this, and knowing that the fights went on BEFORE marriage… I just don’t understand why you guys got married at all. It’s kinda obvious that you guys weren’t working out before hand.

How, I think he’s prolonging the inevitable.
i think if he is willing to go to counseling, that you should at least try. it doesnt mean that everything will be perfect, but it might help.

you said that communication is a problem with you guys, and that is a pretty major problem. i think you owe it to each other to see if this problem can be worked out and worked on to improve the relationship. if you try and you guys still dont click and are not happy, then end it. at least you gave it a shot and know that you each did all you could.

If it fails it’s all a learning experience. You are still only 22 and I’m assuming this was your first real serious relationship, so maybe you’d learn not to rush moving in, getting engaged, etc. Not blaming you at all, I hope you guys work it out but what is happening is so common I’m sadly not shocked he’s starting to experience "the grass is greener…"
My questions may seem a little dumb, but are you 2 in the crazy cycle? By this I mean are you not showing him respect and by not showing him respect he isn’t showing you love so you are constantly cycling with this issue?

At the core a man wants one thing more than anything else which is respect, and a woman wants to feel loved more than anything else. If this is the core of your issue the problem is recognizing this and breaking out of the cycle.

For instance:
For the past few months I have been making comments on how we do not spend quality time together, our sex life dwindled to almost nothing, and he just did not seem interested – no hand holding, cuddling etc (in his defense he does not like PDA) however there was very few times we were touchy-feely at home.

When making these comments you were actually disrespecting him most likely, you probably brought this up in a way which came off a dis-respectful in his mind. Him acting this way toward you made you feel not loved so it just cycles and cycles.

Same as here:
Now, seeing as how he said he is interested in politics he did not know the basics of politics such as what a platform is, the difference between republican and democrat, etc.

I assume from reading this as a guy you probably came off as dis-respectful in this discussion without even realizing it.

So the question is if you are in this cycle how do you break it? Someone in the relationship has to be the bigger person and try to break the cycle, the question is are you willing to attempt to break it?

All joking aside, the movie "Fireproof" coming out in 2 weeks is about marriages and the same exact thing you have happening, why it’s happening, and how to break it. It’s a Christian based movie, but you can take all the God references out of the movie and just focus on the core marriage issues it’s based on and watch it. If you can I would ask him in a very respectful manner if he would go watch this movie with you and you would greatly appreciate it if he did as your husband. (I watched it about a month ago)

Side note, in all the above I am not saying you are the issue here, or he is, but you need to recognize the problem for what it is and determine if you want to actually fix it.
Do the couples counseling. If you don’t you’ll wonder what would have happened if you had. If you do, you’ll find out whether or not you guys are meant to be together once and for all. At least that’s my perspective of it.
And for gods sake change the avatar, there’s no relationship worth killing yourself over. Do your best to avoid negative things, and try to mend your marriage together with him and the marriage counceller.

it’s been that forever, I have no intention that.

To everyone who responded, thank you. As of right now we are going to attend counseling and go from there. Since there are no children (and will be none – having them will not fix anything) I will go one day at a time. I’m on a roller coaster of emotions right now – but I’m beginning to see that whatever happens happens. I will only fight to a certain extent.

To the poster who posted about respect and the movie, thanks for the idea. I never thought of coming across as disrespectful but I’m sure I have before.

As far as the lists go – he did make two. One was what he liked about our marriage and his interests and the second was what he disliked.

Actually… Another thing you might want to check out is the "men are from mars, women are from venus" book… I KNOW I KNOW it may sound incredibly gay and corny if you haven’t read it, but I downloaded the pdf file(you can find it online usually) and started reading some of it, and I will say I haven’t finished the book. BUT, the first chapter is about how you say things and how they come across to the other sex, and how we each percieve and say things differently. It has helped me, I used to make comments with bf’s and guy friends about things like driving, and being lost and doing other "manly" things wrong(mostly in a joking manner) and after reading that, I realized that a lot of guys will take that to heart and a blow to their ego. I have since learned to phrase things differently, or just don’t say anything at all.

Its worth a check out anyways.
DUDE. You’re 22-years-old. Get out NOW while you still have your youth and a future ahead of you.
Does it not alarm anyone that she said both her, and his ex-girlfriend are good friends?

srsly

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