I feel depressed and brainless.. any hope for me?

Once again I’m feeling depressed and down about myself. I basically reduced myself to a piece of crap who doesn’t
deserve to be living and breathing amongst everyone else. On my way home today, I imagined myself to be a ghost.
I was hoping that someone would accidently crash into me so I could leave this world. Funny enough, a car almost
swerved into my lane head on.

I feel that I’ve missed out on a lot of stuff in life like learning how to talk to people and do everyday tasks.

Instead of listening to my dad or learning from others, it’s now biting me back in the ass hard. Even as a kid, I
would rather play my video games rather than see what was going on in the rest of the world.
Perhaps it’s because of my mom who always told me to be quiet? If I was acting out of place, I was told to stop.
Maybe I took it too seriously and decided not to do anything at all anymore? What confused me the most was when
I’d do stuff around my parents and their friends, I was told to stop or stay quiet. But if it was another kid,
they were praised and given lots of attention for being themself. I think this is what messed me up a bit.

The point is, my dream is to one day make people laugh without even trying. I want to be able to talk with great
rhetorical skill and gain a vast knowlede in a plethora of different areas. To be able to find someone to love
and receive love back equally.
In real life, I feel I’m as dead as a door knob. Ocassionally, I have my moments of brilliance in some
situations, but they are few and far in between. And sadly, I’m still stuck in my own insecure ways from growing
up as a teenager. I still prefer to be alone, yet I know it won’t get me far. I’m still stubborn and worry more
about how people perceive me in their minds instead of staying true to myself.

Just today, I felt extremely stupid in one of my college courses because I wasn’t "getting it". Here, in my mind,
I’m thinking "why am I not going as fast as the other students?". It feels as if my intelligence is either
slipping or it’s not as great as I thought it would be. Perhaps I’ve been lying to myself and I’m not exactly as
smart as I thought I was? I don’t want to be the brainless dolt who people clown on and that’s a nightmare to
think about.
I believe I’m close, very close to being "brainless" right now. I’ve lost a good chunk of my personality
throughout the years due to a lot of changes. I’ve become very introverted and self-centered too.

Now that I
think about it, I think these feelings were and are very destructible. They basically ravaged my well-being and
I’ve become part of the "sheeple" who are apathetic and uninformed.
I need to be able to break free of these insecurities and maybe rebuild my character? I need to be independant
and shake off the feelings that my parents are always hovering around me, watching what I say. Even though my
parents speak their minds and couldn’t care less about what I say (hell, they praise me whenever I speak
anymore), I still feel extremely uncomfortable speaking my mind around them. Actually, I feel extremely
uncomfortable speaking my mind about anything because of the fear of being judged. I’ve been quiet for so long,
some of the words that come out of my mouth are probably ridiculous. If I don’t bother saying anything at all,
then people will percieve me as a snob, but probably not an idiot. And sadly, I do prefer the former at least.
Another example of why I find this life perplexing: A guy at work seems to be very dynamic and naturally funny.

All I do is spout random crap that gets a few chuckles now and then. This seems to be the only place where I can
let my imagination run to the ground and be a true dumbass. However, lol, you can’t keep spouting dumb crap
forever and this is where my act runs dry. I can’t use any facial expressions because my face won’t allow it. I
can’t think of anything deep to say as I don’t have enough information to elaborate on a subject. I simply don’t
have the imagination or social skills to keep a conversation going. And this is where I just want to go home and
curl up in a ball.

I’m really, really close to just calling this life "quits". I’m just about done trying to figure out why I am the
way I am. Just about done typing up long boring posts like this and feeling self-absorbed in my own little world.
Done trying to stay quiet and shut up so that others can do the talking for me and get all the attention.

just about done wondering if I’m different from other people. Done with being closed off and materialistic. Done
with feeling alone and confused about what a woman is. Crap like this should have been taken care of long ago. I
should be graduating from college and having parties right now. I feel eons behind and utterly disgraceful to be
able to talk about this. And this is why I believe my life was a failure from the get go. I really should just
end this life when there’s no point in dragging it out.
There are a lot of essensial things you need to understand and that you currently lack. You don’t lack these things because you are brainless, but because you lack life experience that allows you to put your past into perspective. For instance.

When a mom or dad tells his kid to be quiet. Its not because they hate them or want them to be forever quiet. Its because what they are currently doing is out of place, its to show and learn kids they only need to voice themselves at the appropriate times. You as a result however felt yourself completely out of place, and have shut yourself off completely ever since.

And this was actually a period of time where you would have started learning to voice yourself. As a result of your past experiences you must learn to voice yourself right here right now.

What confused me the most was when
I’d do stuff around my parents and their friends, I was told to stop or stay quiet. But if it was another kid,
they were praised and given lots of attention for being themself. I think this is what messed me up a bit.

The reason is ‘difference in parenting’, basically (as you said its related back to your mom) your mom tells you to shut up. (Maby your mom only sees what you do/say as an annoyance?) but i think other parents don’t educate their kids to always shut up, you have to see it like this. If other kids are playing and would be doing the same thing as you, and get praised, then its because THEIR parents DO encourage their kids, and because your parents can’t say or do anything against those other kids, they just play along with the other parents and praise their kids. This is the result of a public facade and nothing else. My advice is not to blame your parents for their lack of parenting and encouraging you in this. At one time i had done the same but its time/energy you need to invest into yourself, blaming is pointless because no matter how much you blame , your life won’t become better as a result, in reality life is what you make of it.

You know , computer games are just another form of addiction, in that it makes you go around in a circle, and just like a carousel , you’ll have a lot of fun, but its getting you nowhere. The only way to get off it is to jump from it, and do something that is postive and constructive for your life.

Here is another part where you go wrong.

The point is, my dream is to one day make people laugh without even trying

Life does not work like a hotel roomservice, and even then you have to do an effort to call them. Anything that you want to achieve in life will cost effort. You need to do a LOT more effort to achieve things then you are currently imagining. Life is swimming or drowning, continues effort has to be made to swim, otherwhise you’ll drown. Start making a rescue plan for yourself.

At the moment you feel empty and brainless, but why is this so? Its because you are only looking over the fence at how the grass is greener in somebody elses garden,this while you are leaving your own grass to become rotting,disgusting and brown.

Tend to your own garden, and stop looking at other neighbouring gardens, your life is too short to waste time on what are people are, what other people do, and what they think about you. Again tend to your own garden.

My idea for your life is this. Start reading a LOT of books, and stop intereacting with your parents, especially your mom is a person you want to steer away from, anyone who doesn’t support you in your life is someone who you can miss like a bad tooth acke.

Put at least 3 times more effort in your studies then you are doing now. Remember first things first. IMPORTANT THINGS > HAVING FUN. You need to get the important things in your life arranged first.

For you that would be.

-setting goals.

Study hard for a good career. After you graduate become a stand-up comedian. (keep the continues investment thought here) Just write down good jokes, and memorize them. Then during work time, tell them and make people laugh, keep doing that for the rest of your life. If you memorize your jokes, you won’t be spouting junk at work. Have a serious underlying base, but a surface that’s a lot of fun with humor in it. Listen to comedy central on Winamp for 1 hour a day. And you’ll become a lot more fun and intereactive. But that listening is something you have to do every day, otherwhise it fades away.

Try to talk a lot to people , and start conversations by asking some random questions, and when a convo dies out, ask a question again, you learn from that and you’ll get a lot of intereaction from that.

The only thing that you learn from being an introvert is that you have to be an extravert, introvertism leads to lonelyness and isolation, this is what is currently making you feel dead. My advice is to go out there were the people are, like a shopping mall. Shopping malls are great in that they have a lot of oppertunity where people can talk, and its a gathering place so you meet a lot of them. You can try your jokes on them, that way talking isn’t a form of torture, but a way to have a great time.
Thanks Darketernal, everything you’ve said has made a lot of sense.

I should read lots of books, it’s about damn time I put information inside my head rather than block anything new out. But as for my parents, they really do mean well most of the time. On the other hand, we’ve fought a lot and had many disagreements when I was growing up. I wasn’t the little kid with an innocent aura around me anymore as I was growing older. It’s tough being so quiet for so long and then being forced to speak up only to hear something weak come out. I need to have that wit and courage to defend myself in certain situations otherwise I’m going to continue to get trampled over.

Is it truly okay to be myself? This is one of the last areas where everything’s a blur. On one end, I’m afraid to be told to "shut up" or "stop" if I’m doing something wrong. For some reason, I hate being told to stop, because not only was I told this as a kid many times, but because I hardly ever do anything at all anyway. Perhaps I’m just too stubborn and need to shake that feeling off? lol.

I want to be able to tell jokes, speak out loud and be assertive without looking like someone who is too serious or weird about things. Instead of looking at how others act in amazement at how great they grasp things, I want to be as animated as everyone else. I’m tired of looking at others speak and have fun, but when it turns to me, I just agree with what’s going on and don’t add anything. I wonder if anyone I know is scratching their head about me?

A few last things: What does it mean to look at something in "black and white"? I know I need to be told what is right or wrong otherwise I feel very confused. Since I know little about myself and the world as it is, I have trouble making decisions. I need to have rules it seems so I feel comfortable. I believe I heard someone say that people like rules because they don’t have to "think" about anything or make decisions for themselves.

Also, what is the definition for "friend"?

I’ve lost many friends throughout the years and I feel really afraid to make new ones. It’s been a long time since I’ve called anyone a friend that I believe it’s lost its meaning. Please explain to me what a friend is and when it is appropriate to call someone this word. For example, I hang out with a group of people at lunch everyday. We laugh and have fun all the time. Is it appropriate to call them "friends" if it’s just at lunch only? I don’t want to come off weird or be rejected with them. Being alone for so long, it gives me an uneasy feeling to be close to anyone. I only refer to everyone as "acquaintances", but I want more than that.

Anyway, that is all for now. I really thank you for listening. I still don’t know a lot about this even though it’s been with me this whole time. I’m thinking to myself "should I give myself some praise?" or "do I take time to look inside myself to see what makes me feel better?". Not even sure what to do, but I’ll try.
Ok what book are you reading now , (just checking because you must ensure yourself that you always practise what you preach)

Also don’t ‘just’ read a book(although its better then nothing) , read the books that are ‘the best’ on the market, and only those books that add important value to your life, and not those with info that won’t be required in your life, you’d want to read effectivly.

It is ‘ok’ to have rules, but remember rules are ‘guidelines’ they are not ‘absolutisms’, rules aren’t absolute because they have been created by humans, for performance reasons, they should be abided by not always by all means.

That being said, it is perfectly ok to be yourself in your own mind. What the worlds wants to see from you is an entirely different thing.

For example, you are a black person, you are totally ok with this. But other white people rather not see you because they hate black people. The only thing i want to learn to you with this example is :What you are is not always what the world wants. From there you can life two different lifestyles, live in the way how the world wants to see you, or be yourself and defend yourself against the unwilling world. The best thing in my experience is just to blow along with the wind on the surface, but underneath being yourself. But try to be yourself if possible at all times. Being untrue to yourself is like lying against yourself, it doesn’t feel comfortable at all.

Instead of defining your life by letting others tell you what is wrong and right, you need to define for yourself and for your life what is wrong and right by thinking for yourself, preferably over others doing the thinking for you. Your life is what you make of it, and thats why you need to be more assertive and do a lot of effort to not just absorb what you gain in a book,or daily life, but also create your own opinion about it.

Imagine you read a book about plants, something saying like ‘this is a beautifull plant’, and ask yourself the question, is it really a beautifull plant? , what do YOU think about it. Everything needs to be questioned.

The definition of a real friend is a person who steps into your life when you are in trouble, that’s also the moment were you see your fake friends walk out.

A real friend is someone who’d love and help you unconditionally without gaining nothing in return.

In reality that really doesn’t exist, most of the time you have to sacrifice something in order to gain a friend in your life. People are just like monkeys, if there’s nothing to gain, they won’t come into your life.
Hmm.. I’m not reading any books right now and that’s where my problem lies. The last book I did read was about starting conversations with other people. It helped only a little bit, but didn’t make my mind "click" or anything. Also, I was getting into a book about winning arguments, but I got side-tracked and left it alone. It’s at the school library, so I might check it out again.

I’m still confused about the "friend" thing. I really want to know *when* I can call someone I know this word. Are the people you eat lunch with your friends or just acquaintances? This is what’s keeping me from getting too close to anyone because I’m a little fearful of losing them later on. It’s like "what’s the point" to me.
I’m just going to reply since I’ve noticed no one has. I would consider the people you eat lunch with acquaintances but if possible try to see them outside of work. Then they could be seen as a friend. Try to find the person you are more closely comfortable with and see if you can hang out with them.
1. You aren’t different. Hell, I went through what you are going through when I was a teenager. And I’ve seen countless others with the same situation. It feels like you are different, but you aren’t any different than the rest of us. So don’t worry, you’re not a freak or weird or anything like that.

2. The greatest cure for depression that I know of is getting active. The more active you get, the more physical exercise you get, the better you begin to feel about yourself. In fact, it’s been theorized that by not being as active as you should, that your body goes into "hibernation mode" and you begin to get depressed. This also explains why you aren’t "getting it" in class and you feel slow. Because when in "depression mode" your body shuts down or reduces all unnecessary funtions, only the most vital are kept active, and you actually begin to "decay".

My point is, that the first move you want to make is to get up and get active. Irregardless of what you do now, it’s probably not enough. I’ve never known a depressed person who works out/exercises 6 days a week.

And that’s exactly what I’m telling you to do. Pick up a copy of "Younger Next Year" by Chris Crowley and Dr. Henry Lodge. Follow Harry’s rules and watch and see if you don’t start feeling more confident. If you don’t, then it’s likely that you are part of a unique group that actually NEEDS medication and professional help.

But I’d lay a fiver down to say that if you got up, got active 6 days a week, and stuck to it that within 3 months your depression would be GREATLY reduced and your confidence would be greatly increased, and that your mind would be sharper and you could understand things a tad easier.

And by "active", I don’t just mean joining a gym (although if you can, you should). I mean walking/jogging, biking, hiking, playing sports, etc. Whatever you can think of that gets you active for about 45 minutes to an hour a day.

That’s your first and most important step.

Your second step is to watch what kinds of foods you are eating. If you aren’t eating healthy, you are fueling your depression as well. Some foods have a negative affect on your body, and in turn feed into your depression. So quit eating the crap and be healthy.

Finally, you need to join ONE club or volunteer at least once a week. Connect with people (even if you resist at first) and force yourself to get involved with something.

On top of all that, look inside yourself and remember the things you enjoy doing. Find your passion and start doing it (whether it be a hobby or career is immaterial).

You want to fix this, then you need to get proactive and take control of your situation. If you try all these things for an extended period of time (6 months or more) and your moods don’t change, then it’s likely you need more professional help and should see a psychiatrist.

But, like I said, I’m willing to wager that you just need to take the bull by the horns and start getting active and making things happen in your life.

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