She said No….

I asked her to marry me and well yeah like the title says.
Ill fill in the long details later after I get home from work.

I need some cheering up quick though… I haven’t eaten in over a day. I tried but just makes me feel sick. right now im on the caffeine (morning) and alcohol (at night) diet
she said "no, never" or "no, not now"?

btw, nobody’s going to be able to cheer you up. if she’s for you then hang in there. but if you’re not for her then, as painful as it is, you should get out.

well I guess its kind of in between no never or just not now.

here is a short summary.

we had some bad times. nothing really that bad (no cheating or anything) and she even admits they werent really bad. but for some reason she cant get over it. Even though our relationship has been great for a while.

she says she cant do it until she takes care of whatever her problem. I found out she has even gone to counselors over this.

She came to the conclusion something is wrong in her head that the only way she could get over this was to just break up and hope that completely ending the relationship. Then getting back together after some amount of time starting a "new" relationship. Of course with the chance that during this break she will decide to just completely end it.

It all sounds really weird to me but I believe what she is saying. I dont think she is just trying to mess with me. But at the same time Im just kind of stuck here by myself waiting…
You are a chump if you believe what she is saying.

What she told you is a load of shit.

You are a chump if you stick around hoping to begin a "new relationship". She’ll start a new relationship sometime, just not with you.

What she told you is a load of shit.

fixed.
if thats the case you should really reconsider what youre doing. I think marriage is one of those things you should only do once. No need to rush

You are a chump if you believe what she is saying.

What she told you is a load of shit.

I agree. Im more so just taking this a normal break up. Havent talked to her since. If she’s for real about this then its something she has to figure out on her own

good for you. Don’t make the first attempt to contact her either.
get your money back from the ring and take a vacation with buddys
I dont really have the option of vacation or meeting people. I just got back from a vacation so it will be a while before the next. Im also in my last year of gradschool trying to finish up my thesis so I can defend it by the spring (this means 12hr+ workdays, everyday)
Then focus on yourself for awhile. You can think about marriage when you finish school.
1. Sorry
2. Don’t wait around for her
3. Focus on yourself for a while
4. Let her contact you
consider yourself lucky for getting out when you did…as bad as it sucks its better this way than if she said yes and it fell apart shortly thereafter…ask me how i know
You just keep doing your thing, and give her some time to think about it. It might be just the initial shock of your request that she is taken aback. Don’t give up hope yet, the ball is in her court basically, and its quite a big decision as wel, so its ok to give her some decision time. No need to push her, once again give her some time to think about it, and maby within a decent short amount of time ,she’ll turn around.

Whats an appropriate amount of time? I’m still going to just keep up my daily routine anyway but just wondering.

You shouldn’t be thinking at all about any amount of time for her to "think." You need to move forward as if you two are through. Focus on yourself. If she comes back in 4 months you will then have the choice if you want her back or not.

I’m more skeptical in this thread, I think like a lot of women she is intrigued by another man and wants to explore that before "settling" on you.
keep busy

If you find yourself sitting home alone and beginning to think about her, go out and do something. Call some buddys and grab some food, go to a movie, go walk around the mall, etc…

keep busy

If you find yourself sitting home alone and beginning to think about her, go out and do something. Call some buddys and grab some food, go to a movie, go walk around the mall, etc…

Yeah thats the plan. I was kind of pissed off that I missed my morning workout yesterday. I made up for it today. working 12+ hours a day helps out a lot too.

We dated almost 3 years. The more I think about this the more I realize that I’ve been in a similar situation before with a different girl and I got to be the guy just sitting and waiting. I really hope that is not the case with her though. She has always been a very caring and honest person so I really think she is serious about this.
If I had proposed to my girlfriend and she said no our relationship would probably end right there for good, I really don’t see how a relationship can recover from something like that. Return the ring and move on with your life I say.

My father proposed to my mother 3 times before she said yes and they had been dating over 2 years already. She said, "What is the rush? I’m not going anywhere." On the 4th asking she finally said yes and 35+ years later they are still together

It depends why she says no.

My father proposed to my mother 3 times before she said yes and they had been dating over 2 years already. She said, "What is the rush? I’m not going anywhere." On the 4th asking she finally said yes and 35+ years later they are still together

It depends why she says no.

I agree in certain situations it could end up fine, but this doesn’t sound like one of them. I do find it odd that she said she wasn’t going anywhere, but didn’t want to get engaged though.

Because not everyone feels engagement and marriage are something that have to happen. They were happy not engaged and just dating. They also were (like the TS) finishing school/important jobs and there was no rush. They finally decided it’d be best to get married when they had some money saved.

why are you giving him false sense of hope?

You have to assume the worst in these types of situations or its just going to prolong the pain and confuse him more and possibly have him ruin the situation when he calls and talks and does whatever.

If someone told me straight out that my girl wasn’t coming back it would have helped a great deal.

well I guess its kind of in between no never or just not now.

here is a short summary.

we had some bad times. nothing really that bad (no cheating or anything) and she even admits they werent really bad. but for some reason she cant get over it. Even though our relationship has been great for a while.

she says she cant do it until she takes care of whatever her problem. I found out she has even gone to counselors over this.

She came to the conclusion something is wrong in her head that the only way she could get over this was to just break up and hope that completely ending the relationship. Then getting back together after some amount of time starting a "new" relationship. Of course with the chance that during this break she will decide to just completely end it.

It all sounds really weird to me but I believe what she is saying. I dont think she is just trying to mess with me. But at the same time Im just kind of stuck here by myself waiting…

Let me give you some advice that your feelings are going to make you ignore:

Never, EVER, believe what a woman tells you. Always, ALWAYS believe what she does to you. Her actions speak much louder than any of the shit that comes out of her mouth.

Do you really want to be with a woman who has these issues? Do you really believe that what she is telling you means that you have a healthy foundation with which to build a marriage? Do you really believe that these serious issues can be resolved in a matter of months?

First of all, it takes YEARS for some people to resolve issues like this (whatever they are, they are serious enough to make her not commit to you).

Honestly? I think she is just using you as a placeholder and she has low interest in you and is hoping something better comes along before the pressures of society forces her to settle with you.

Get out of this now and move on to a woman who is willing to treat you right and give you the commitment you deserve.

In the meantime, focus on your flaws and try to correct them.
I agree mainly with what everyone has said here.

But, can you explain what "her problem" might be?
I don’t know if she’s told you in great detail but that could be a really clear indicator of whether there’s a future or not.

I agree mainly with what everyone has said here.

But, can you explain what "her problem" might be?
I don’t know if she’s told you in great detail but that could be a really clear indicator of whether there’s a future or not.

Yeah I’ve been meaning to do that but I’ve been keeping myself busy.

Now that I look back I pretty much got by in the relationship showing her the minimum amount of love. Enough to keep the relationship going but I later learned that it really bothered her. This was for maybe the last two years. Of course I did nice things for her but I will agree I could have done more.

We almost broke up about 6 months ago over this. She explained it to me and like I said after thinking about it I can agree with her. Since then I really made the effort to change things and even she says things have been great since then.

A couple of months ago we some how got to talking about getting married and I told her that was something I really wanted. (up until now I had pretty much refused to talk about this). So she was very happy. She told all her friends, parents, and we even looked at rings a few times.

We had a talk around a month ago as she said that she really want to get married but that it would be nice if I wait to ask her for a little while so she could get close to finishing school (this means 6-12months) but that it was up to me when i do it.

We are both in gradschool so we are pretty much at our stress limit at all times. I graduate in about 9 months and she has another year or so. She wanted to wait since she said that the stress of planning a wedding would be too much to when she was just starting gradschool.

So I managed to wait about a month… which may have been a bad thing but she said she was planning on telling me about her break up idea last weekend anyway.

Her reasoning is that for some reason she cant get past the times that I didnt show her enough love. Even though she admits that the last 6 months or so have been the happiest she has ever been.

She talked to friends about this and went to a few counselors over this and came up with her idea that if she totally break off the relationship and then we get back together she will be able to forget.

Thats the short story. I’m still not really sure if I buy it but in the mean time Im just doing my own thing.

I agree mainly with what everyone has said here.

But, can you explain what "her problem" might be?
I don’t know if she’s told you in great detail but that could be a really clear indicator of whether there’s a future or not.

In a nutshell: Low interest in you.

Probably saying shit so she doesn’t hurt you.
I’d say her fear is pretty valid honestly. The whole time of engagement and right before engagement is always very exciting. They say women are their happiest when engaged and men tend to be very excited about the engagement to the point that they forget any problems the couple has. What your gf is thinking right now is "what if the second we get married he gives up on me?" To be honest, I’d probably feel the same way she does. I certainly wouldn’t want to convince myself I was about to make a lifetime commitment to a guy who couldn’t even shower me with love during the first few years of us dating.

Not trying to rain on your parade, just giving you another woman’s opinion on what she could be thinking. Though if it were me I have absolutely no agreement to the idea of breaking up just to try and get back together later as if it would solve anything. To me that’s just another way of saying, "Let’s be single. I’ll date a few guys and see what they are like. If I don’t feel anything like I do with ______ then I’ll know our relationship is the one."

I’d say her fear is pretty valid honestly. The whole time of engagement and right before engagement is always very exciting. They say women are their happiest when engaged and men tend to be very excited about the engagement to the point that they forget any problems the couple has. What your gf is thinking right now is "what if the second we get married he gives up on me?" To be honest, I’d probably feel the same way she does. I certainly wouldn’t want to convince myself I was about to make a lifetime commitment to a guy who couldn’t even shower me with love during the first few years of us dating.

Not trying to rain on your parade, just giving you another woman’s opinion on what she could be thinking. Though if it were me I have absolutely no agreement to the idea of breaking up just to try and get back together later as if it would solve anything. To me that’s just another way of saying, "Let’s be single. I’ll date a few guys and see what they are like. If I don’t feel anything like I do with ______ then I’ll know our relationship is the one."

Thanks I appreciate your view. I agree that I think this is a bad way to do this if in fact she is really serious about it. I could understand saying "no we need to wait longer" so that she could see if my new attitude is going to last.

To be honest I always loved her a lot. She was always saying how great of a girlfriend she was because she was so low maintenance which is really probably what started the whole thing. And I was always worried that if I do really nice stuff for her early on she was going to start to expect that from me all the time.

Had she brought this issue up a longtime ago we probably wouldnt be in this situation though

1. Sorry
2. Don’t wait around for her
3. Focus on yourself for a while
4. Let her contact you

dawt.

it might be over, it might not.

if she’s genuinely honest, she’s doing the best thing for both of you as a whole.

She can focus on herself, and you do the same. If when she gets over it she decides ‘well let’s try this again’ – she’ll get ahold of you. Until that day happens, just keep movin forward…so if it never does – you’ll never have to stop and start over the moving on process.
I got this email from her today this morning.

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to talk to you yesterday. It was completely insane
and busy. I realize I’ve fallen behind in a lot of things for classes and
am kinda freakin out right now. I hope that you are doing relatively
ok.Today is going to be another crazy day but I will seriously try to call
you. I want you to know that I’m not like pushing you away or whatever, I
just am so freaking busy right now that yeah – I dono – I have to get ready
for class now but I’ll try to talk to you later.

Now what I dont think im replying to it. But I guess I would answer if she calls

I got this email from her today this morning.

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to talk to you yesterday. It was completely insane
and busy. I realize I’ve fallen behind in a lot of things for classes and
am kinda freakin out right now. I hope that you are doing relatively
ok.Today is going to be another crazy day but I will seriously try to call
you. I want you to know that I’m not like pushing you away or whatever, I
just am so freaking busy right now that yeah – I dono – I have to get ready
for class now but I’ll try to talk to you later.

Now what I dont think im replying to it. But I guess I would answer if she calls

This is good. Don’t reply. Let her call you.

The fact that she is reaching out to contact you shows she cares and I’m sure she’s also partly worried that you aren’t trying to contact you every second. If she finally contacts you and says something along the lines of "why haven’t you called?" just very calmly (make sure you say it calmly and non-chalant) say you wanted to give her the space she asked for.

and then, because she’s so oblivious to your feelings, say "…………….and i think we need some time apart" and decide you’re not going to contact her or reply to her attempts to contact you for at least two weeks.

This almost seems counter productive but I think its a good idea.

I’m trying to understand the effect of doing this from her point of view. Maybe the point is to show her that I’m not just going to be one of those emotional support guys that to wait at the sidelines?

I also forgot to add to the story that we did spent nearly a whole day together after we broke up. I was staying at her place for the weekend when we broke up(I live 150miles away while in school) and I already had a few drinks that night so she wouldnt let me leave although I did try.

The next day we talked a lot and I found out that part of her worries were that I just changed so quickly and she didnt understand why or if it would last which is understandable.

I had a good explanation for why I changed so quickly and she said that really changed her though on the whole situation. She said that she was hopeful that this break idea would work but not to confidant (maybe a 5 out of 10 chance) but after I talked to her more she was a lot more hopeful (more like 7-8 out of 10). But who knows.

This almost seems counter productive but I think its a good idea.

I’m trying to understand the effect of doing this from her point of view. Maybe the point is to show her that I’m not just going to be one of those emotional support guys that to wait at the sidelines?

I also forgot to add to the story that we did spent nearly a whole day together after we broke up. I was staying at her place for the weekend when we broke up(I live 150miles away while in school) and I already had a few drinks that night so she wouldnt let me leave although I did try.

The next day we talked a lot and I found out that part of her worries were that I just changed so quickly and she didnt understand why or if it would last which is understandable.

I had a good explanation for why I changed so quickly and she said that really changed her though on the whole situation. She said that she was hopeful that this break idea would work but not to confidant (maybe a 5 out of 10 chance) but after I talked to her more she was a lot more hopeful (more like 7-8 out of 10). But who knows.

Wow, so I was right

Yep. Aren’t you always?

Yes, this is true….. I’m kidding. But I am a little shocked that she really confirmed that is was about your affection’s changing or worrying that they will change. Honestly though I don’t know how to play this. Ultimately it’s your life. Part of me thinks taking 2 weeks from her would be good for you…but at the same time if you want to be with her it doesn’t really equate that you would stay away from her when her main concern if how you feel about her.

In other words part of me thinks you’d be fine doing what you are doing now. Focusing mainly on yourself, giving her space and letting her contact you, but making sure she knows you aren’t contacting because you respect her wishes to have space and you are there for her

Yes, this is true….. I’m kidding. But I am a little shocked that she really confirmed that is was about your affection’s changing or worrying that they will change. Honestly though I don’t know how to play this. Ultimately it’s your life. Part of me thinks taking 2 weeks from her would be good for you…but at the same time if you want to be with her it doesn’t really equate that you would stay away from her when her main concern if how you feel about her.

In other words part of me thinks you’d be fine doing what you are doing now. Focusing mainly on yourself, giving her space and letting her contact you, but making sure she knows you aren’t contacting because you respect her wishes to have space and you are there for her

I talked to another girl today and she had the same conclusion. That I should give space but that at the same time I should make sure the she knows that its not because I dont love her anymore.

Her suggestion was dont talk to her but at the same time try and do something nice for her to show that I still do care like send some flowers to her place. sounds like a good idea to me..

I talked to another girl today and she had the same conclusion. That I should give space but that at the same time I should make sure the she knows that its not because I dont love her anymore.

Her suggestion was dont talk to her but at the same time try and do something nice for her to show that I still do care like send some flowers to her place. sounds like a good idea to me..

I agree, I think that’s a nice idea. If she is stressed about school that’s a very sweet gesture.
Well she called just called and we talked for an hour or so. She still said that she is hopeful that this can work but yet still has doubts. She said that yesterday she felt really happy because she finally broke up with me since it has been something that has been worrying her for a while. But that its probably just because it let a lot of stress off her mind. She tends to do this where she will be really happy one day then sad the next.

She said that she would like to come spend the weekend with me in two weeks and I agreed.

I brought up the idea of not talking anymore if she though it would help her do this and that maybe we dont talk until I see her in two weeks. She said she doesnt know if she could go that long but maybe in a few days. She is going to try to not talk to me for two weeks but said she might call if she feels that she is ready to.

So thats the plan. I’m just going to try and somehow keep my mind off her for the next two weeks.

Well she called just called and we talked for an hour or so. She still said that she is hopeful that this can work but yet still has doubts. She said that yesterday she felt really happy because she finally broke up with me since it has been something that has been worrying her for a while. But that its probably just because it let a lot of stress off her mind. She tends to do this where she will be really happy one day then sad the next.

She said that she would like to come spend the weekend with me in two weeks and I agreed.

I brought up the idea of not talking anymore if she though it would help her do this and that maybe we dont talk until I see her in two weeks. She said she doesnt know if she could go that long but maybe in a few days. She is going to try to not talk to me for two weeks but said she might call if she feels that she is ready to.

So thats the plan. I’m just going to try and somehow keep my mind off her for the next two weeks.

that doesnt sound so good. if her reaction is to feel good that she finally broke up with you, that means shes not actually happy when she is with you. and if thats the case, you should not be wanting her to come back. you want to be with (and marry) someone who feels awesome with you.

i’m hoping you wrote it out wrong, or mis-quoted her, but if thats what she actually said, i think thats a bad sign

that doesnt sound so good. if her reaction is to feel good that she finally broke up with you, that means shes not actually happy when she is with you. and if thats the case, you should not be wanting her to come back. you want to be with (and marry) someone who feels awesome with you.

i’m hoping you wrote it out wrong, or mis-quoted her, but if thats what she actually said, i think thats a bad sign

I didnt look into it too much. She did admit that is probably just the stress of trying to figure out if she wanted to break up or not. And that finally making a decision either way took all that stress away.

She also tends to that. She has days where she is really happy then the next day she gets really depressed. (she is on meds for this but still happens)

Also, I dont know it it helps or not but she is a psychologist so I think she tends to really think about things. Maybe to much so sometimes.

But anyway I did flat out ask her if this is just over for good. That if she had already made up her mind it would be much easier to just do it now. And she said that it is not over and she still want to try and make this work.

I’m probably being too optimistic though..

Wait so this other girl said don’t talk to her but send her flowers and give her more attention? I guess proposing to her showed you didn’t care at all

It kinda sounds like she wants the best of both worlds and she’s trying to keep her options open right now in case she doesn’t find someone better she’ll have a fall back. If it were me I’d leave her and tell her when you decide what you want come talk to me but I can’t promise I’ll take you back. I know its hard but be strong man there are plenty of other women that won’t jerk you around.

Wait so this other girl said don’t talk to her but send her flowers and give her more attention? I guess proposing to her showed you didn’t care at all

It kinda sounds like she wants the best of both worlds and she’s trying to keep her options open right now in case she doesn’t find someone better she’ll have a fall back. If it were me I’d leave her and tell her when you decide what you want come talk to me but I can’t promise I’ll take you back. I know its hard but be strong man there are plenty of other women that won’t jerk you around.

I completely agree.

You are putting the ball in her court and telling her that it’s ok for her to treat you the way that she is.

Do you honestly like just being someone who she goes to when she only wants to?

What about your feelings throughout this whole thing? What about all of the stress that this situation is causing YOU?

She doesn’t give a fuck.

You’re giving her all of the power and letting her control the entire thing and you’re doing nothing but laying down like a doormat and letting her treat you like shit.

Get ahold of yourself.

This is a perfect way to handle it.

Just because she has some shit to figure out doesn’t mean you have to lay down and pay for it as well.

True, and also avoid that "I am not ready yet" bullshit excuse.
I’d almost guarantee if you found the time to meet other people and start dating and SOMEHOW she finds out you’re doing this…. she’ll want you back in a heart beat.

Eh, I don’t know. I do believe that she could be interested in other men, but maybe she DOES have some psychological issues she needs to work out. Not knowing those issues makes it difficult to for me to judge but if she’s seeing therapists she obviously has a lot going on in her head at the moment.

Just hang in there. Do your daily routine, don’t try to contact her, just let her know that you love her and you’ll be there if she changes her mind. If she does just want to be a whore and explore other men, then well, at least you didn’t marry the wrong girl. But if she does want to work on herself first, then give her time.
all right im drunk but fuck! i cant do this… I just wish I had a reason to hate her like my other ex. but she has helped me more in life than anyone else i know… i cant stop thinking about how i fucked this up so much. I still havent called her yet though…

I’d say her fear is pretty valid honestly. The whole time of engagement and right before engagement is always very exciting. They say women are their happiest when engaged and men tend to be very excited about the engagement to the point that they forget any problems the couple has. What your gf is thinking right now is "what if the second we get married he gives up on me?" To be honest, I’d probably feel the same way she does. I certainly wouldn’t want to convince myself I was about to make a lifetime commitment to a guy who couldn’t even shower me with love during the first few years of us dating.

Not trying to rain on your parade, just giving you another woman’s opinion on what she could be thinking. Though if it were me I have absolutely no agreement to the idea of breaking up just to try and get back together later as if it would solve anything. To me that’s just another way of saying, "Let’s be single. I’ll date a few guys and see what they are like. If I don’t feel anything like I do with ______ then I’ll know our relationship is the one."

my most recent ex set the bar pretty high when it comes to "showering me with love." i have settled for much much MUCH less in previous relationships, etc, and i sure as hell won’t do that again.

you didn’t give us any examples as to what you’ve done for her, so i’m just taking your word on that.

i don’t understand how breaking up with you and starting over one day will help this situation. is this the only issue between the two of you? is it possible that there’s something else that’s bothering her?

if showing your love and affection is the only issue at hand, i think staying together and working through this would be the better solution than breaking up. in fact, if it were me, i would’ve brought up the idea about looking into couples counseling. communication is the most important thing in a relationship, and i think that every couple could benefit from counseling.

actions speak louder than words, regardless of what sex you are!

agreed. always turn a negative situation into a positive one in your life. there’s always a lesson to be learned.

my most recent ex set the bar pretty high when it comes to "showering me with love." i have settled for much much MUCH less in previous relationships, etc, and i sure as hell won’t do that again.

you didn’t give us any examples as to what you’ve done for her, so i’m just taking your word on that.

i don’t understand how breaking up with you and starting over one day will help this situation. is this the only issue between the two of you? is it possible that there’s something else that’s bothering her?

if showing your love and affection is the only issue at hand, i think staying together and working through this would be the better solution than breaking up. in fact, if it were me, i would’ve brought up the idea about looking into couples counseling. communication is the most important thing in a relationship, and i think that every couple could benefit from counseling.

recently i planned and got us a free trip to hawaii that we took in august. her parents got us the hotel. i got us the tickets for free. we live about 150miles apart while in school but she did live with me this summer. part of this is that in the summer when she lived with me I didnt spent enough time with her. I had to spend a lot of long hours at school working but honestly if I could do this again I wouldnt have even gone to gradschool

I try and send her flowers and random messages as often as i can. everytime i drive down there to see her I try and do something nice for her. (bring her a small gift or just make her a nice dinner).

i think part of it is that she doesnt realize that being a gradstudent means insane stress and that ive managed to make time to talk on the phone to her every night and to see her every weekend. to do this means I put in 60+ hours of work mon-fri. So that i can just drive down to see her and spend a whole weekend just hanging out. She is just starting her first semester of gradschool right now so she is starting to understand that.

recently i planned and got us a free trip to hawaii that we took in august. her parents got us the hotel. i got us the tickets for free. we live about 150miles apart while in school but she did live with me this summer. part of this is that in the summer when she lived with me I didnt spent enough time with her. I had to spend a lot of long hours at school working but honestly if I could do this again I wouldnt have even gone to gradschool

I try and send her flowers and random messages as often as i can. everytime i drive down there to see her I try and do something nice for her. (bring her a small gift or just make her a nice dinner).

i think part of it is that she doesnt realize that being a gradstudent means insane stress and that ive managed to make time to talk on the phone to her every night and to see her every weekend. to do this means I put in 60+ hours of work mon-fri. So that i can just drive down to see her and spend a whole weekend just hanging out. She is just starting her first semester of gradschool right now so she is starting to understand that.

wow… you sound like a good boyfriend, imo…

i’ve been in a few ldr’s, and the distance was 10x greater than that of you and your gf, so i can relate. i think you’re doing a fine job. if this is more than what you’ve been doing in the past, then you definitely need to keep this up.

with that said, your gf needs to be a little more understanding and realize that your grad school studies come first. she should be proud of you, not hold it over your head!
Heres a small update:

She ended up calling me yesterday and we talked for a few minuets nothing serious just small talk. It was kind of weird and awkward since we have pretty much talked everyday since we met about 3 years ago. Then just out of no where no talking for a week or so.

We have talked a few times in the last day and I dont even try and ask her to talk about US. I did notice that she got jealous when I told her something that a girl from school said to me (the ex doesnt like this girl for some reason).

Guess I will just have to see how it goes this weekend.

I’m not exactly sure why she is coming to visit me (its a 3 hr drive). I hope its to try and work this out with me. But just to be safe I already packed all her crap she left at my apartment for her.

Heres a small update:

She ended up calling me yesterday and we talked for a few minuets nothing serious just small talk. It was kind of weird and awkward since we have pretty much talked everyday since we met about 3 years ago. Then just out of no where no talking for a week or so.

We have talked a few times in the last day and I dont even try and ask her to talk about US. I did notice that she got jealous when I told her something that a girl from school said to me (the ex doesnt like this girl for some reason).

Guess I will just have to see how it goes this weekend.

I’m not exactly sure why she is coming to visit me (its a 3 hr drive). I hope its to try and work this out with me. But just to be safe I already packed all her crap she left at my apartment for her.

Well, it kinda sounds like typical behavior of somebody who has another person she’s talking to and is feeling him out while leaving you on the string.

It’s likely that she could be making the drive up to break up with you.

That’s worst case scenario.

agreed. weekend’s over. i’m dying for news
Man, walk away. If it is meant to be, she will come back to you. My fiancee and I broke up a year and a half ago for similar reasons. I spent months trying to get her back, a year actually. Right when I was about to give up, she came back to me. Mind you, I did date other people in the meantime. If she comes back to you, then you guys were meant to be. Otherwise let her go.
Well she stayed at my place the whole weekend and it went pretty well. Not as good as it could have been but oh well. She pretty much acted as if she was still dating me whole weekend so it was cool but kinda weird too.

She got to my place on Friday and we went out for dinner and drinks. Went back to my place and talked a lot and watched some movies. She is still sticking to her original story that she really wants it to work out with me. She told me that since we broke up she has been happy. And that she needs to figure out why she is happy not being with me. She said that she does not think its because I’m gone but more so because the stress of the whole situation is gone somewhat.

We did pretty much the same thing on Saturday. Out to eat, some drinks, then went back to my place and finally has some amazingly good break up sex. Her friend picked her up on Sunday and I guess she was crying a lot on the ride home.

After she left I went and got my money back for the ring. Then went out and got a bunch of new clothes and a new ipod to distract me for a while.
Right now we don’t really have any plans on seeing each other for a while. I might be staying at her place for the weekend when I go visit family for thanksgiving.

She sounded really serious about the whole break up and then get back together thing still. But I’m not really counting on it. I’m going to take viper’s advise and work on being happy with myself for now and if at some point in the future she decides to come back then I’ll deal with it then.
She said she has been HAPPY since she broke up with you…LMAO cut off all contact with her, she’s playing you like drum!
I’m glad you got the money back for the ring It sounds like you are doing really well considering you are both not together. Maybe this time apart has kind of made you realize you can live without her. I think your idea to just live for yourself is a good plan
You have to be the man and make the final decision to break up and stick with it. She’s torn between wanting to break up with you and not wanting to be alone. You don’t need to stop talking to her but it’s a good idea not to visit too often. Say "It’s not meant to be, but I’ll recover."

Yeah I’m doing alright. It might be the drugs though.. I went to the Dr last week for something totally unrelated and left with some depression drugs. I’ve only been on them a week but maybe they are kicking in..

I just plan on concentrating on myself. The last really hard break up I had I ended up working out a lot more and lost 60lbs. I’ll have to think of something to improve upon for myself for this break up.

Yeah I’m doing alright. It might be the drugs though.. I went to the Dr last week for something totally unrelated and left with some depression drugs. I’ve only been on them a week but maybe they are kicking in..

I just plan on concentrating on myself. The last really hard break up I had I ended up working out a lot more and lost 60lbs. I’ll have to think of something to improve upon for myself for this break up.

good for you.

i totally agree with everyone. you should concentrate on yourself. if i were you, i wouldn’t even think about the thought of you two getting back together. i’m not saying you have to jump into a new relationship if/when that presents itself, but just don’t have thoughts about her on the front burner. for the record, i’m not totally discounting the idea, but actions speak louder than words! if she were into you, wouldn’t she make more of an effort to fix all her issues?

maybe i’m the only one, but i was kinda when i read the post about still seeing each other/hanging out. it seems like she’s getting the better end of the deal, imo. she’s not attached to you, still gets to talk/hang out with you, and you two recently had sex. either she wants to break up with you or she doesn’t. seems like she’s a little bit of a committment phobe.
The more I reflect on this situation the more I realize that she messed up plenty of things that led to this. There was a thread in the main forum about crazy girlfriends and after reading other peoples stories I noticed that my ex would fit right in there.

I agree though that even now if she still wanted to work stuff out she would be making the effort. I haven’t heard from her in like 3 days except a text message or two. I’m not counting on anything right now. I already boxed up all the pictures and anything that reminds me of her.

I’ve been keeping myself very busy which is also helping me get over this. Put in a few 15 hour work days in the last two weeks and went out drinking with friends a few other days. Right now I’m actually feeling pretty good.

The more I reflect on this situation the more I realize that she messed up plenty of things that led to this. There was a thread in the main forum about crazy girlfriends and after reading other peoples stories I noticed that my ex would fit right in there.

I’ve been keeping myself very busy which is also helping me get over this. Put in a few 15 hour work days in the last two weeks and went out drinking with friends a few other days. Right now I’m actually feeling pretty good.

Good shit bro.

Sounds like you’re taking off the rose colored glasses and seeing your relationship for what it really was, which generally happens once you break up and have space for yourself.

This is good because you need to realize that it’s not right for her to try to dick you around, but it’s also not right that you allow yourself to be dicked around.

The more I reflect on this situation the more I realize that she messed up plenty of things that led to this. There was a thread in the main forum about crazy girlfriends and after reading other peoples stories I noticed that my ex would fit right in there.

I agree though that even now if she still wanted to work stuff out she would be making the effort. I haven’t heard from her in like 3 days except a text message or two. I’m not counting on anything right now. I already boxed up all the pictures and anything that reminds me of her.

I’ve been keeping myself very busy which is also helping me get over this. Put in a few 15 hour work days in the last two weeks and went out drinking with friends a few other days. Right now I’m actually feeling pretty good.

it seems as though she’s happy with the way things are right now. i’m not saying that it needs to [or should] be "your way or the highway," but she needs to make more of an effort. in fact, if she cared about you and deep down wanted to be with you, she would make more of an effort.

i’d say be honest with her and let it go.
I have another update:
Just a little more background on her first. She is in gradschool for psychology which involves her doing a lot of counseling of other people but also means she has to get counseled by other psychology gradstudents a lot too.

I got a weird text message from her yesterday. Just when I though she didn’t care at all and I was getting over her. It said “I probably shouldn’t tell you this but I really love you and you’re such a great person.”

We ended up talking over my lunch break for a while. I guess she had been getting counseled earlier that day and through that process realized that she really wanted to be with me. She said that out of all her friends she realized that I am the only person that has always been there for her and the only person she can really trust. She also said she is totally not happy anymore at all.

She also realized that one of the big problems of our relationship wasn’t that I didn’t show her enough love (that is still part of it) but that she didn’t tell me when things bothered her. She pretty much said that she never wanted to bother me with her feelings because she thought I would get mad at her. So we came to the conclusion that the reason I thought everything in the relationship was great is because she was hiding any problems she had and acted like everything was great until the little problems she had turned into huge ones.

Anyway, we are still not together. She said she still needs to deal with other issues she has and I’m becoming quite content with being single for now anyway (the attention I’m getting from girls right now is great).

I believe in marriage etc but I think it should be for the right reasons and not just from the perception that ‘marriage will fix things – we’ll be together and everything will be okay’ (to the original poster, I’m not alluding that you think this way, just saying in general). If she has issues she needs to deal with them first. See how it goes, I mean if she says she still loves you and may still want to be with you, don’t let her go just yet.

Current boy is ready for marriage and seems to think everything will be okay if we do. I’ve explicitly said that we have a lot of issues we need to deal with first before we even think about going down that path. Doesn’t mean I want anyone else, nor does it mean I don’t love him. It just means that marriage is that important to me that I want to think long and hard about it first because I really only want to get married once…

I believe in marriage etc but I think it should be for the right reasons and not just from the perception that ‘marriage will fix things – we’ll be together and everything will be okay’ (to the original poster, I’m not alluding that you think this way, just saying in general). If she has issues she needs to deal with them first. See how it goes, I mean if she says she still loves you and may still want to be with you, don’t let her go just yet.

Current boy is ready for marriage and seems to think everything will be okay if we do. I’ve explicitly said that we have a lot of issues we need to deal with first before we even think about going down that path. Doesn’t mean I want anyone else, nor does it mean I don’t love him. It just means that marriage is that important to me that I want to think long and hard about it first because I really only want to get married once…

She thinks a lot like you do.. I know that she really wants to make sure that she only get married once. I think that part of why she wants to make sure that she knows why she acted the way that she did.
So just a little up date in case anyone is still reading this crap.

I called her up yesterday and told her I was just sick of her back and forth shit between telling me she really loves me one day then hates me the next. I said I was sick of her fucking with my head and I told her I don’t want to talk to her anymore. I said maybe in a few months we can see if we want to talk but until then I dont want to hear from her. She freaked out and started crying a lot. I was pretty cool about the whole thing and didnt even cry.
good move. whatever happens, this will move things forward.

remember, whatever happens is for the best. It always is.
If this helps her focus and you get married, great. If she decides to break it off, that’s also great.

The only bad things are stasis and ignorance.
Update on her next move.

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