I hit a new low in my life today…not sure what to do…

So…basically me and my wife got married just last month…we are both in the air force same job but she is airborne and slated to go to nebraska…im a ground linguist and here at fort meade. we were told it would be no problem at all for me to switch to airborne within the next year and today i come to find out thats not the case…apparently they suddenly have no openings even though im a critical language. They arent going to let her switch to ground and come out here either….basically we got lied to hardcore and now have no idea how long it will be till we can be together. She is the most amazing girl ive ever met in my life and i love her more than anything, i dont think she can handle the distance which it seems as of now is indefinite

ive never been so depressed in my life…i came home from work today and literally just broke down…i dont really know why i wrote this …i guess i just needed to tell someone
Keep badgering whatever authorities need to be badgered and remind them that you’re married. The squeeky wheel always gets the grease
i have been…but i thinki ran out of options as of today….my wife is coming out to visit tonight too and i dont even know how to tell her this news

persist persist persist

good luck!!
my friend just left the military. general discharge after going AWOL
i really …ive never felt this bad ever …ever since i came home ive just been crying and staring at the wall…
Talk to your wife…maybe she can find the right people to speak to.
Did they ever give you anything in writing that said you two would be together?

:grouphug:

Hang in there brother.. Alone or together, I still respect and appreciate everything ya’ll are doing for us fine Americans.

Hang in there brother.
the thought of us not making it is really eating me away…i cant believe its a possibility ill be married for like 2 months and thats it….
Really, I’m sorry to hear that. Sounds like a horrible situation that I certainly don’t envy for one second. However it turns out, hopefully it ends up for the best. Don’t lose hope.

Having said that, I do have one question for you:

Just as a question, and not an accusation, is that the truth there? After all you said about loving her more than anything, you’re saying that you don’t think she can handle the distance? That sounds vaguely like a cop-out.

Like I said, hopefully, there’s some alternative that will allow you to be together. But if there really is no other way, you both have to be strong and optimistic. And in order for you both to be strong together, you have to be strong individually. Using the old "my partner can’t handle this" excuse, when in fact it is you who is struggling with this situation, is not going to lead to the best outcome.

Really, I’m sorry to hear that. Sounds like a horrible situation that I certainly don’t envy for one second. However it turns out, hopefully it ends up for the best. Don’t lose hope.

Having said that, I do have one question for you:

Just as a question, and not an accusation, is that the truth there? After all you said about loving her more than anything, you’re saying that you don’t think she can handle the distance? That sounds vaguely like a cop-out.

Like I said, hopefully, there’s some alternative that will allow you to be together. But if there really is no other way, you both have to be strong and optimistic. And in order for you both to be strong together, you have to be strong individually. Using the old "my partner can’t handle this" excuse, when in fact it is you who is struggling with this situation, is not going to lead to the best outcome.

no its not a cop out at all, honnestly its hard but i can handle it. But shes been down about it for awhile here about the whole situation. Maybe im overreacting a bit ….like i said shes coming out here tonight and will be here for 10 days…i guess we have a lot of talking to do

Fair enough. Either way, being as strong and optimistic as you can be is really all you can do to get through. If you go in with a defeatist attitude, fearing that this will be the end of your marriage, then this is going to be a miserable period for you that probably WILL lead to the end of your marriage. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, which is far worse than the bad situation by itself. Every fight that you have will end with "I knew this was going to happen."

The best thing that can happen here is that you don’t end up having to spend too much apart. The next best thing that can happen is for you two to prove the old adage of "whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger" true.
She married you, I’m assuming she took vows. If distance kills the relationship, imagine when a real obstacle comes along. For her or you to bail on each other would just be truly sad.

You can tell her I said that too if she does decide she can’t take it.
I have been in the AF for 8 years now and i can tell you i have seen this happen more than once. I can tell you my old roommate and his wife were both AD AF. She worked as the finance controller @ a recruiting station in PA and he was POL in NM. They weren’t able to move her job, even though they made promises to more her to McGuire, NJ. He finally was able to talk to the functional and he was able to get him stationed out in NJ which was a 4 hr drive from where she was working at. I can tell you that he bought a lot of plane tickets in the year it took him to get to NJ and went to see her about every month or two. Maybe if you "threaten" a cross train they will re-think there position on you going AB linguist.
this is sad news but it should be a catalyst for you to start talking and writing to everybody you know to get this done
so yesterday was pretty much the worst day of my life …I spent basically the whole day crying with my wife, we were told it will be about 2 years till we can be together and my wife can’t handle it …and I can’t really blame her ..I guess she still wants to be together but she just can’t be married and apart for so long …I hate my life
Go up to the Barracks (here on OT) forum and ask the posters there what options you have dude. I bet there’s some things you can do.

That is messed up.
Umm, why can’t you guys make it work? If you really love someone you make it work. Whether you supposedly can’t really be reunited for good for 2 years there are still visits and phonecalls…People make it work. NON-MARRIED couples make it work.

Sounds like you guys aren’t strong enough and shouldn’t have gotten ready if you aren’t capable of such a commitment.
I thought the AF was big on keeping married couples together?

I think you need to keep talking to superiors.

Uhm…why can’t she make it? Doesn’t she love you? Is she THAT needy that she must have you close to her at all times?

I mean I know she prolly wants you there and that’s very natural. It’s even natural for her to be really, really sad about the circumstances. But come on….this doesn’t mean you won’t be married after the 2 years…..and you never know what might happen during those 2 years. Something might work out to help you guys be closer…..I know….you’ve tried but don’t give up. Keep trying and be patient.

So your perfect idea for marriage isn’t working out. But that doesn’t mean you have to get divorced and try again with someone else. That’s just the most ridiculous notion EVER!! Seriously, that sounds like a little spoiled kid that if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants, right when he wants it, he’ll nuke anyone and everyone around him.

I don’t mean to be insensitive to your plight….trust me, I get it and I would be very happy for you both if you would be able to realize your dreams. However, we all have to live by laws and rules and very often those conflict with what we would really like to have in our lives. But this can be a HUGE growing experience for you both…..even if it’s not the perfect solution.

Good luck.

Uhm…why can’t she make it? Doesn’t she love you? Is she THAT needy that she must have you close to her at all times?

I mean I know she prolly wants you there and that’s very natural. It’s even natural for her to be really, really sad about the circumstances. But come on….this doesn’t mean you won’t be married after the 2 years…..and you never know what might happen during those 2 years. Something might work out to help you guys be closer…..I know….you’ve tried but don’t give up. Keep trying and be patient.

So your perfect idea for marriage isn’t working out. But that doesn’t mean you have to get divorced and try again with someone else. That’s just the most ridiculous notion EVER!! Seriously, that sounds like a little spoiled kid that if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants, right when he wants it, he’ll nuke anyone and everyone around him.

I don’t mean to be insensitive to your plight….trust me, I get it and I would be very happy for you both if you would be able to realize your dreams. However, we all have to live by laws and rules and very often those conflict with what we would really like to have in our lives. But this can be a HUGE growing experience for you both…..even if it’s not the perfect solution.

Good luck.

Thank you. Read my post ^^^

I love how couples think they are so in love and ready for marriage…and the second they have a big hard bump in the road they have to face they just fall apart and assume it’ll never work

Thank you. Read my post ^^^

I love how couples think they are so in love and ready for marriage…and the second they have a big hard bump in the road they have to face they just fall apart and assume it’ll never work

Yeah, I’ve known people that don’t even hit a big hard bump….they just hit more like a little speed bump and all of a sudden it’s over! Then they got drunk, had sex and realized it wasn’t as bad as they thought.

I dunno what’s going on with you kids these days. You guys are all so impatient. Back when I was your age….

She married you, I’m assuming she took vows. If distance kills the relationship, imagine when a real obstacle comes along. For her or you to bail on each other would just be truly sad.

You can tell her I said that too if she does decide she can’t take it.

And one more thing. It’s not that she "can’t" take it. It’s that she chooses not to take it. It’s a very conscious decision, not the lament of a victim of circumstance. Since you love her, your answer will probably be simple — after all, if you truly love someone, would you hold them to an obligation that they really didn’t want to honor? Like…….marriage?

Not I. You’ll let her go willingly without convincing, persuading, guilting, manipulating, but you would be heartbroken. However, if that’s how the person you love felt, what else can you say?

I’d be glad really, because I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who forfeits a relationship with me over something like that. That’s a slap in my face telling me that I’m not what’s important in this relationship, but rather that she was in it for what "she" could get out if, not for what she could put into it.

I’d be grateful. And now, even if they (The military) did manage to work something out so you two could be together, you can’t go back after someone says something like that. Well wait, you could, but you’d have to live knowing the other person would let the bond dissolve over something as trite as 2 years of distance and that the relationship is actually fragile, and built on sand, rather than stone. People who love you don’t abandon you in sickness or in health, (People usually focus on the sickness part, and that’s the problem) unless……they don’t really love you, but rather love what they can get from you.

I’m really sorry too, because I think you knew that and that’s why you were really upset, not just because the military said no.
Why is it when most people get married they (in their mind) think it’s suppose to be like a fantasy life from then out?

Relationships of any kind take some work. Whether it be marriage, parent/child, bf/gf, or even friendship. Too many people think that a relationship is always suppose to be "peaches and cream" and when they hit a small bump in the road they bail. Sad really.

I am truly sorry to hear about your situation. Long distance relationships are really difficult, however, can be done as long as both people are WILLING to put forth the effort to make it work. I agree that if she is not willing to even make an effort to make it work then she is being really selfish and is only looking to get what benefits her out of this relationship. I know it must be very difficult for you right now, but think of it this way, she has just shown you that if you guys face an obstacle in the marriage she is going to bail. It is better to have found this out early in your marriage then to be 1-2 kids and 10 yrs down the road to only suffer even greater pain (also causing pain to others: children) and divorce anyway.

And one more thing. It’s not that she "can’t" take it. It’s that she chooses not to take it. It’s a very conscious decision, not the lament of a victim of circumstance. Since you love her, your answer will probably be simple — after all, if you truly love someone, would you hold them to an obligation that they really didn’t want to honor? Like…….marriage?

Not I. You’ll let her go willingly without convincing, persuading, guilting, manipulating, but you would be heartbroken. However, if that’s how the person you love felt, what else can you say?

I’d be glad really, because I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who forfeits a relationship with me over something like that. That’s a slap in my face telling me that I’m not what’s important in this relationship, but rather that she was in it for what "she" could get out if, not for what she could put into it.

I’d be grateful. And now, even if they (The military) did manage to work something out so you two could be together, you can’t go back after someone says something like that. Well wait, you could, but you’d have to live knowing the other person would let the bond dissolve over something as trite as 2 years of distance and that the relationship is actually fragile, and built on sand, rather than stone. People who love you don’t abandon you in sickness or in health, (People usually focus on the sickness part, and that’s the problem) unless……they don’t really love you, but rather love what they can get from you.

I’m really sorry too, because I think you knew that and that’s why you were really upset, not just because the military said no.

So nicely put
thanks for all the input guys….i actually talked to her the other night and basically said that i understand if shes scared or maybe she isnt quite ready for the comittment but that if she feels we may have rushed the marriage we definitely should at least wait it out awhile before getting a divorce…so for now anyways we took the rings back and i told her to have fun, maybe get a feel for who is out there i guess…and if she does come to realize this isnt what she wants then at that point we can get a divorce, but since there really is no difference from us being married or getting a divorce and still seeing eachother except for a piece of paper that we should wait

honnestly there are a lot of other issues that would take forever to explain, my wife had always had a reputation for running away from relationships , her dad was never actually married. I knew all of this going in but i really do believe she loves me, maybe she just needs some time to realize just how much …anyways im gonna remain hopeful for now…again though thanks for all your thoughts…its been a rough week but things have been better

thanks for all the input guys….i actually talked to her the other night and basically said that i understand if shes scared or maybe she isnt quite ready for the comittment but that if she feels we may have rushed the marriage we definitely should at least wait it out awhile before getting a divorce…so for now anyways we took the rings back and i told her to have fun, maybe get a feel for who is out there i guess…and if she does come to realize this isnt what she wants then at that point we can get a divorce, but since there really is no difference from us being married or getting a divorce and still seeing eachother except for a piece of paper that we should wait

honnestly there are a lot of other issues that would take forever to explain, my wife had always had a reputation for running away from relationships , her dad was never actually married. I knew all of this going in but i really do believe she loves me, maybe she just needs some time to realize just how much …anyways im gonna remain hopeful for now…again though thanks for all your thoughts…its been a rough week but things have been better

Good idea. That’s the best way to handle it for now. Things aren’t always black and white especially in marriage. I’ve always said here on this forum that once you’re married the rules "should" change in terms of how far you’re willing to go to give someone that extra stretch, additional loyalty, compassion and empathy. With the historical context is given such as in this case, that extra room is necessary. If things work out and you two can stay together, I recommend counseling. These issues obviously existed prior to this "adversity."

Might as well solve the problems sooner than later. If you get that chance, it’s my recommendation.
ya…i dunno

this is really hard for me right now…i’ve had relationships in the past that were sorta like this where the other person needed some "time" and well…we know how those turned out, and thats when i was around. My wife is a very social person and i just cant get the thought of her with someone else out of my mind. I feel so fucked up right now I cant even explain it, i’m so depressed that i cant even really eat right, my stomach is all messed up. Never in a million years did I imagine this is how marriage would be for me, i only wanted to do it once, and do it right. I’ve had issues with relationships and trust in the past with what girls have done to me, and what my mom did to my dad and i really had a huge wall up. Slowly i built so much trust up with amber and let it down and now my heart is basically completely crushed. I honnestly dont think i’ll be the same again, i dont even know what to do

i just….im really fucked up right now
So you’re really saying she’s not willing to stay married and faithful to you until you can be together?

That’s what I’m seeing.

she said she agreed to staying married for now and she says that she cant imagine being with anyone else but she thinks shes just not ready

now …whats fucked up is last night we went downtown and just had some dinner, walked around in some shops and tihs one had 10 dollar palm readings…now ive never believed in any of that shit but she was like come on itl be fun so she got hers done…i was standing outside the door but i could still hear things and i was actually sorta amazed at how right she was on so many things…and of course…amber was like ya so…she said that the lady said she already met her "true flame" or something like that but even though he doesnt show he loves you yet, give him time

i dont think she really believes in it either but fuck me if that didnt make us feel weird last night

shes friends with a lot of guys and really close friends with 2 guys that were in her class, she told me when she first got out of basic she had a crush on him, but not anymore. The other guy has a girlfriend apparently but ive never seen him with her, or heard him talk about her. I know they all hang out a lot and…of course they are all going to the same base since they are all aircrew…thats whats messing me up right now

I guess she thought marriage would be easy. Would have been nice to have known that before she said "I do".

now …whats fucked up is last night we went downtown and just had some dinner, walked around in some shops and tihs one had 10 dollar palm readings…now ive never believed in any of that shit but she was like come on itl be fun so she got hers done…i was standing outside the door but i could still hear things and i was actually sorta amazed at how right she was on so many things…and of course…amber was like ya so…she said that the lady said she already met her "true flame" or something like that but even though he doesnt show he loves you yet, give him time

i dont think she really believes in it either but fuck me if that didnt make us feel weird last night

I don’t believe in the supernatural. It’s easy to read bodylanguage, facial expressions, hands etc.

Chewed nails, calloused hands, soft skin, dry skin, cold, clammy. You can tell if someone’s ill, calm, all sorts of things.

Big vague references, then watch their tiny subtle responses, sort of like a "tell" in poker. Then adjust and refine as you go.

It’s a skill you can learn. Lie detectors work in similar ways and they’re even more limited to just the physiological response, not observation too.

I guess she thought marriage would be easy.

I don’t believe in the supernatural. It’s easy to read bodylanguage, facial expressions, hands etc.

Chewed nails, calloused hands, soft skin, dry skin, cold, clammy. You can tell if someone’s ill, calm, all sorts of things.

Big vague references, then watch their tiny subtle responses, sort of like a "tell" in poker. Then adjust and refine as you go.

It’s a skill you can learn.

i dont believe in it either…i dunno i guess im just going to try and enjoy our time together while shes still here…we’re going up to new york this weekend and she leaves on wed. but thats going to be a really difficult time for me…i feel like im gonna break down as soon as i drop her off at the airport

Come on now, you can’t possibly believe she intends to cheat on you, or to leave you for one of those guys. Imagine how shitty a person she’d have to be to do that?

I did when I dropped my girl off. She went to Italy to stay with her parents. I waited until she was gone of course.

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