so, this past january my younger brother (he’s 17, i’m 21) committed suicide, but my mom found him and called EMS and they got a heartbeat going again in the ambulance. he hanged himself in the garage and his brain went without oxygen for about 15 minutes or so, so he has very extensive brain damage. needless to say this has dramatically altered my family life. my mom (and her mom and her sister) are all really high strung, and she always was a little partial to my brother, so now she’s REALLY messed up. which is understandable.

the problem is, she pretty much refuses to even try to deal with the situation and instead spends almost all her time at the rehab center with my brother, and if she isn’t there my dad, aunt, or other family friends are. all so my mom can have peace of mind. i understand she’s gone through the absolute worst thing a parent could imagine, but at the same time, i’m her child too and she ignores all aspects of her life but watching my brother, including her relationship with my dad. she doesn’t see her friends anymore, she isn’t sure she can even go back to teaching in the fall.

so tonight i was at my parents house and my grandparents were there (my mother’s parents) and my mom and grandma were guilt tripping me for not spending more time with my mom and brother at the rehab center. and i told her it’s really hard for me, and it’s hard because i’m tired from work already, i don’t want to go see my brother like that all the time. and they think i’m just selfish and uncaring. i told them i want her to try to feel better and move on with her life (if she doesn’t return to teaching in the fall she can’t get insurance anymore, which is what’s paying for my brother) so she really HAS to, not only for her own good. but they think what’s best is for her to spend her time with him until he gets better… which isn’t really going to happen.

i don’t know what i’m asking for here, i just wanted to vent mostly. but am i being a selfish brat, or is my family being ridiculous?

Firstly, Mishka, I am really sorry to hear about your brother and your family situation, that must be a very upsetting situation for you to go through and I seriously cannot imagine what it must be like. In my opinion, you are absolutely not being selfish. I can tell from your post that you really do seem to care about your brother, but it seems like you feel that your mother is completely consumed by the situation and you are worried to become absorbed by it yourself. Although it may seem like your mother is going overboard, I suppose the experience of having this happen to a child is different for the mother than it is for a sibling, and you may not be able to relate to what she is going through emotionally. That said, it is probably not the best idea for her to guilt trip you into spending more time at the rehab center if you do not feel comfortable with it (in my opinion). Perhaps you can make an effort to see him at regular times and/or activities, such as every other Sunday for dinner, or go and watch a sports game with him?
As for the insurance situation, is it possible for your brother to get insurance from your father if your mother decides not to return to work?
At the risk of sounding corny, do you have a therapist/psychologist that you and/or your family is working with? A good therapist could probably help you and your family figure out priorities and help every one work together through a difficult and tragic situation.
I think it’s a combination of both. You need to understand that the worst thing that could happen to parents is losing a child. I don’t think your parents mean to ignore you it’s just that your brother needs them a little more than you. Your 21 years old and fully capable of taking care of yourself. Support your parents and help them any way that you can.

Honestly, your comment about "being tired from work" is no excuse not to see your brother. I understand that it’s hard to see your brother that way but at the same time a comment like that sounds extremely selfish.

This is coming from someone who lost his little brother when I was 4 (brother was 2). Every day of my life I wish that he was still here with me. I’d give anything to have a little brother. Please understand how lucky you are and what your parents (and yourself) are going through. Keep your head up and stay strong. Give any support you can to your mom and dad.

Good luck bro.
C. Neither of the above?

This is a horrible situation for all concerned. But she isn’t being ridiculous, and you are certainly not being a brat. Your grief, loss, and sense of abandonment are legitimate. It isn’t fair to be accused of being selfish, but you really CAN’T talk about it with your family right now. It’s just too raw. Suicide in particular sparks so much guilt and anger that it’s just overwhelming.

Maybe you can set up a schedule to sort of "relieve" her 2 or 3 times a week, so that she can take some time away from it? I know it hurts to see your brother like that. But it would allow you to be alone with him and reassure your mom that she doesn’t have to "do it all" by herself. She’s probably feeling so guilty, angry, and overwhelmed at this point.

Mom really cannot support you through this, it’s going to have to work the other way for now. If you need to talk to other friends and even a suicide grief self-help group, please do. Your family isn’t likely to accept your feelings right now, but you need to be able to share them without criticism.

i don’t know what my dad’s insurance situation is, but he’s the one who told me that my brother needs to stay on my mom’s so i’m going to trust him on that one. and the problem with spending time with him is that it’s not only painful to see him like this, but usually when i’m there he’s asleep or just out of it. his therapists are there on weekdays while i’m at work, and the rest of the time he’s pretty out of it. he has a trach in, so he can’t talk even if he had the ability to. it takes a lot to even get him to answer you by raising his arm or something, and even then it’s only if you’re asking him very, very basic questions. the doctors and nurses are unsure of how much he understands, and think he can’t see. so "quality time" is very one-sided and difficult, especially since even when he was alive and normal we didn’t get along well. he pretty much just lays there and drools and coughs some.
but, i think you hit the nail on the head with me being afraid to get as absorbed with my brother as my mom is. i only have a year left in school and i need to work and stay focused on my own future, i can’t let my family hold me back any more than they already have.

she’s being "relieved" by everyone, and she gets plenty of time at home. it’s up to her to acknowledge that we aren’t changing anything by being there, and take control of her life again.

the problem is i might as well have lost him, he’s just a shell of a person who can’t control his body and can somewhat answer questions every now and then. it would’ve been better if he had died and we could mourn him, instead of just going through the loss every day.
After seeing a family member going through a similar thing (not suicide, but stroke) I agree. Often just forcing someone to be alive is the height of selfishness - I don’t want to see this person dead so I’m going to keep them alive as a shell.

Sorry to hear about it all though. Death is sometimes preferrable to a life with no quality.

yeah, exactly. he has the same symptoms as someone who had a serious stroke.

Know how hard it is mate. Same situation for me 3 months ago. I work long hours, and after 70 hours a week the last thing you want to do is sit in a dark room watching someone you love in that situation.

Thing to remember is different people respond in different ways. Some peope thrive on the grief and being there, others respond differently and need some separation. Neither is right or wrong.

But spend some time with him, aven half an hour a couple of times a week. It’s what I did. But I have to tell you, it was a relief when the person for me finally passed on. I knew her. She was active. She would not want to be dependant on everyone for her very life.

It does sound like logically your mother should go back to work, however, this is a tragic situation that could make someone stop being logical.

You mentioned his therapists, but I think it’s important that you see your own therapist, to help you deal with your own feelings about this. Other types of therapy that could be helpful could be family therapy, especially with your mother, to deal with her pressuring you to see your brother more, or as was previously mentioned, going to a support group with other people/families in similar situations.

I think that it’s important to be concerned about your future, and to take care of yourself, however, it should not completely take you away from visits to see your brother, and spending time with your family as they cope with the situation.
Two other things:
1. Do you have any other siblings?
2. Do you have a supportive friend or relative (distant- such as a cousin) who could accompany you to the rehab when you go, to help give you emotional support?

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