so the good news is, i’ve gotten over my inability to care for women

the bad news is now i might be in love, help!

i’ll start sort of near the beginning…
i had 2 serious girlfriends in high school. both relationships ended badly (for me) by them, my theory on why is i degraded into a pussy, they got into the power position and got tired of me. relationship 2 extended into college a little bit (we were at different schools though). after the second one ended, i’ve basically been involved with girls purely for sex, my emotions staying safely at home in a box on my bookshelf.

i go to school in the rural south, bible belt, etc. not a good match for me, its clearly not the school i should go to but i didn’t think it would matter what college i went to, and entropy (i think thats the word-tendency to keep doing the same thing) got the better of me and i never bothered to transfer. i was relatively unhappy most of the time, despite hooking up with girls and having a fair number of good friends. last spring i met this awesome girl, we immediately hit it off, have crazy amounts of shit in common, get along well, hook up frequently, quasi-dating, she tells me she wants to be my girlfriend. i declined because the summer was about to start and on top of that, after that semester she was transferring schools to one in california (oddly enough one i was accepted to).
so we stay in touch, visit back and forth a couple of times over the summer and christmas break, continue to hook up, etc.
this week i visited her out in cali and i just felt this "weird vibe", like something had changed between us.
i realized that this was the beginning of how my relationships had ended: i caught a bad vibe, i acted all mopey and like a huge pussy about it, causing the girl to become less and less attracted to me as my ‘alphaness’ (i dunno if you guys believe in that sort of thing here, but, whatever) declined, eventually, it ended. conscious of this, when on my visit i tried as hard as possible to act normal and cool like nothing was wrong (but i’m not entirely sure how well i did at that). if its relevant, we also hooked up on this visit, so, i assume i wasn’t being a total pussy.
now, for some absurd reason, i feel completely retarded for this girl, i can’t stop thinking about her, to the point where i wish i had never met her.

anyway now i’m back at home (taking this semester off to work because i finally felt like i needed a break from the school i hated) thinking about what i’m going to do this summer/next semester. and so my thought process is going like this "you like this girl, you don’t like where you are, go be where she is" but then my other thought process is going "hey retard, you only like her so much because you can’t have her/ feel like she doesn’t want you"…up until just now i was sure that if we were in the same place we would be dating with no problems. i consider this girl one of my best friends, but i think it would be hard (impossible?) to ever be "just friends".

worst part is, of course, talking to her about any of this is out of the question because it would totally tip my hand
after all the betting is done you gotta tip yer hand.
You visited her, got a bad vibe, turned into a pussy, and now you’re in love? It sounds like you’re attracted to something that you can’t have.

so what the fuck do i do?

You had your chance. Now she’s moved on. You should too

Tagged with: ,
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.