So, I’ve recently been dating an amazing girl for the past 3 and a half months. She is younger, although probally more mature than I am. In short she’s everything I look for: smart, funny, caring, good looking, and exciting. And I can truly say that the past couple months of my life have been like nothing ever before….

However, every up has a down. She comes with some baggage. Serious baggage. In the past she has cut herself, and had problems dealing with her emotions – she has told me all this in confidentiality so I won’t be mentioning any names obviously. What worries me is today she cut herself again – it seems lately that she has been on another planet. Problems with her mom (she will be undergoing surgery on a tumor soon and they are very close), her parents (moving from the only home she has known), roommates and best friends, and little things.

I know I need to be there to support her, and to be the strong body for her to hold on to in these times, but sometimes it is so draining. She’s great in the sense that she can adapt and be alright "on the go" however it takes a lot of time to make her feel comfortable and safe. Meanwhile, I have leadership positions in various activities in school (not to mention all the actual work in school), and my own problems.

Sometimes a friend needs you just to be present with all judgment withheld, and ten minutes of your time.

You gave an aspirin as her wounds were bleeding out.

I guess the only thing I’m getting at is what can I do to help her and help myself? She makes me insanely happy, and we’ve been so open with each other that it blows me out of the water how close our relationship has become… but at the same time, it can be too intense on occasion. Are there any tips you guys have for helping your S.O out of rutts, or how to explain to them in a proper fashion that they need to shape up?

There are 6 key components as to why a person would self-injure themselves [aka cutting, burning, punching oneself intentionally].

Self injury provides a solution to how and individual is feeling. Most individuals who use self-injury also have undiagnosed clinical depression. Other psychological problems may also follow. Self Injury helps a person cope by:

• Releasing intense feelings/emotions
• Physically expressing pain
• Self-punishment
• Establishing control
• Enjoyment of feeling – adrenaline rush
• Erotic pleasure in some people

The majority of people who self injure tend to have specific personality characteristics: Perfectionism, unable to handle intense feelings, are unable to express their emotions verbally, have a strong dislike for themselves and their bodies, and can experience severe mood swings. They may turn to self-injury as a way to express their feelings and emotions, or as a way to punish themselves when other more obvious methods are not available to them, or they do not know what else to do.

The main types of self injury for the majority are as follows:

Cutting : Cutting, also known as slicing or slashing, is the most common way people hurt themselves. It is typically done with a knife, razor blade, piece of glass, or other sharp objects. Most of the cuts are done on the arms, legs, wrists, and chest; but other people cut on other parts of the body such as the stomach, face, neck, breasts, and genitals. But cutting on the arms and wrist is the most common because excuses can be made more easily (for example people can say that they had an accident while cooking).

Burning : Burning is another common way people hurt themselves. Usually done with cigarettes, lighters, matches, kitchen-stove burners, heated objects (branding irons or hot skillets), and burning objects. Sometimes people even use flammable substances such as gasoline, propane, alocohol, and lighter fluid. Similar to cutting, most people burn themselves on their arms, wrists, legs, and chest.

Interference with wound healing : Most people have unconsciously interfered with the healing of a wound but it is considered Self Harm when it is done deliberately. Some people remove stitches prematurely, stick objects such as needles, pins, etc. into the wound, or do other things to reopen the wound.

Hitting : Hitting themselves with their fists is another way that people hurt themselves that is most commonly done on the head or thighs. Although it may not seem as serious as cutting or burning it is done for the same reasons and results.

Extreme nail biting: It is common for most people to bite their nails. But when it is used as a form of Self Harm it is more severe and frequent than normal. It can result in the injury and damage of the fingernails or cuticles. People can bite their fingernails so much that they draw blood.

Scratching: Another common thing amongst most people scratching can become a form of Self Injury. People who use it as a method of Self Injury make it more extreme in frequency, intensity, and duration. Area’s of skin can become raw or sometimes even bloody. Usually the scratching is done with the fingernails but sometimes it is done with a sharp or semisharp object such as a knife, comb, or pencil. Sometimes it is done unconsciously.

Hair-pulling : Trichotillomania is ‘the excessive and recurrent removal of your own hair resulting in a noticeable loss of hair,’ is the only form of Self Injury recognized as a psychological disorder by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV). Usually the hair is removed from the scalp, eyebrows, or beard, but can be from any part of the body. The bald spots that result from Trichotillomania are usually covered with a hat, bandage, or sunglasses.

Breaking of bones: A form of Self Injury that is more rare than the others, the breaking of bones is a serious and severe form of Self Injury. Usually, people break their bones with an instrument such as a hammer, brick, or other heavy objects. But sometimes people throw themselves into walls or doors.

The bottomline for the vast majority who do not suffer from a organic dysfunction [i.e like Autism], or a Psychotic dysfunction [i.e. hearing voices; Schizophrenia] is it provides the person a way to make themselves feel better and provides them a way of coping with their life.

Source:

– Self Injury FAQ

Metallic Blue — Additionally, many individuals who self-harm have also been viciously abused as children, such as sexually, physically, or verbally [or a combination of the 3]. The trauma can manifest in self-injury: with shame and embarrasment persistently knocking.

Trauma

A huge number of individual with self-injury have suffered some form of childhood abuse. ‘Significant correlations exist between both sexual and physical forms of childhood violence and SI. Other violence within the home has also been determined to be related to self-injury, as has emotional abuse.’ SI has also been linked to having witnessed or been part of ritual abuse. ‘The short- and long-term effects of abuse are far reaching and severe, impacting emotions, memories, relationships, self-esteem, behaviors, and even identity.’

In some ways self-injury may be a reaction to abuse. ‘If you have endured and survived trauma or abuse, you can attest to the horror of these events.’ During episodes of abuse you have probably felt feelings of violation, helplessness, and powerlessness- as if you have little or no control over your environment or even your own body. You may be confused by the way in which you were treated. You may have felt even guilty. The psychological effects of trauma are so intense and severe that it became essential that you find a way to cope. Self-Injury may have helped you cope or deal with the aftereffects of your past traumatic experiences by giving you a way to escape negative feelings and to feel in control for once.

SI can be used for many uses. It may be a way of recreating some of the abuse you went through or witnessed as a child, allowing you to reenact the trauma through self-injury. Recreating previous traumatic experiences can be used as a way to symbolically alter the original course of the abuse, because when you hurt yourself, you are the one in control. This feeling of control can help change your reaction to these past abuses. By hurting yourself to recreate trauma, you are able to change from a situation where you felt helpless and powerless to one where you were in complete control, and had complete power.

Self-injury may also be used to relieve psychological tension. This extreme form of tension may directly result from past traumas (‘as in the case of memories or flashbacks’) or may indirectly result from past traumas (’such as an extreme reaction to loss or isolation’). You may experience moments when you are unable to get rid of painful images or memories of the trauma. At these times you may use self-injury as a way to get rid of these overwhelming memories.

Abuse and trauma both have so many related consequences, it is likely that you have used self-injury to cope with some of these. For example: if the people who were hurting you were the people who were the closest to you, you would not have been able to trust them. Or, because of the abuse you may have had to keep secrets from other friends and family members, which also interferes with your ability to connect with other people. You may also have used SI as away to lessen emotional pain related to the abuse. The lack of connection with other people, and the difficulty in trusting fosters the same feelings that lead to self-injury. ‘Because of the patterns set up in your abusive past, you may use SI to both replicate these patterns as well as control and relieve the accompanying intense emotional pain.’

– Self Injury FAQ

Boundaries

An area that is damaged by abuse, especially sexual abuse, is that of boundaries. ‘Boundaries are limits we place on ourselves and others that help us to maintain our sense of separateness and independence.’ When we are children we learn to separate ourselves from other people and to experience ourselves as a single, independent human being. A part of learning boundaries is determining what is ours and what is not ours. One of the things that children own is their body, they learn to believe that it is their own, and that no one else is allowed to touch, use, or disturb it without permission. These rules, or boundaries are often carried into adulthood. But children who have been abused often are not allowed or haven’t had the chance to learn their boundaries. ‘Sexual or physical abuse leads to confusion over these very basic rules of ownership.’ Children who have been abused may learn that their body is to be hurt and abused or manipulated by others. They learn that their bodies are not their own. Their boundaries are variable or nonexistant.

Self-Injury allows people to experience their body as their own. In some way, it helps ‘illuminate or restore some basic boundaries lost due to childhood trauma.’ Hurting yourself may make you feel more real, more separate, more whole. You are the person who is hurting yourself. You are the one who is changing your body. ‘You, and you alone, are in charge of your body.’

– Self-injury FAQ

For more information on substance use, substance abuse, and substance dependence, and self-injury, click this link:

Suicide, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative identity disorder are also included in this link and have a relationship to Self-injury.

Scroll down 2/3rds of the way, and you’ll see Substance [use, abuse and dependence] discussed. Additionally: using nicotine, caffeine or other substances falls under this grouping. Substance abuse and self-injury are not closely related like eating disorders and self-injury, but the addictive nature of both patterns can coincide, and thus someone with substance problems can also self-injure. Less than 1/3 who self-injure have used or abuse an illegal substance.

The use of substances such as caffeine, alcohol, and/or nicotine is widely accepted by society and is more common than the use of other drugs, such as marijuana, cocaine, etc. Most of us have a type of substance to help us get through the day. However, most of these substances are legal and ‘culturally sanctioned,’ which makes them more difficult to identify, accept, understand, or recognize as a problem. You may not even realize that you are changing your state of being with chemicals, such as drinking coffee to stay awake in class or at work.

Source:

– Self-Injury FAQ

Maybe this was just an excuse to vent, as I haven’t been able to tell anyone about the stuff she has told me, and her troubles. You wonder sometimes if it’s all worth it. And writing it down right now, I can see it is.

Any tips about helping someone through difficult times would be appreciated. Should I tell her parents if she told me not to (do i want to break that trust?), or convince her to see a doctor? Thanks.
-unorth

Any tips about helping someone through difficult times would be appreciated. Should I tell her parents if she told me not to (do i want to break that trust?), or convince her to see a doctor? Thanks.

Considering I’ve never even come close to this situation I was/am a bit dumbfounded as to what to say and do, but I just reassured her it was NOT her fault, that hitting is never right, and that she can always come to me for support. Was that the right move? I don’t want to set our relationship up so that I’m just being dumped on and dumped on over her life and problems but at the same time I want to be there for her.

Either way she promised me she would go to counseling or at least see someone over it – my only worry is timing. It should be alright if she does it after classes are over for this term, right?

Once again, sorry for all the questions, I just literally have no clue and don’t want to screw this thing up.

Cliffs: Found the root, not sure what course of action to follow.
TY in advance