This is about my son’s father and it will be long…please ask away if you have any questions or need clarification

Let’s just say my son’s father is a bonafide deadbeat now. He now owes me over 6 grand in back support. Although I can understand (somewhat) why he is not working right now, it is still no excuse to get ANY kind of job so he can support himself and at least kick me a little something for our son.

I’ll try to break us down for easier understanding:

Me: I am now in a stable job situation (pretty much) and although I live at home I have ample savings to move out. I am waiting for this job to go perm (currently contract) so I can do so. Except brief unemployment periods (1 month or less) I have worked consistently thtoughout our entire relationship of 6 years +. I ALWAYS helped him out financially whenever he needed it (bought food, paid his cell phone bill, even paid his rent on several occasions) when he was in between jobs as well as me and me alone paying our son’s daycare (which is expensive!), school lunches, clothes, shoes, his food, my food, and "rent" to my parents now and paid my half of the rent on the apartment I shared with my friend….in other words I paid for all our (meaning my son and I’s) expenses from day one to include diapers, forumla when he was that age.

Him: When I first met him he had a steady job (we met at that workplace) and he switched to a competitor and worked there for a few months. About 2 years into the relationship I was preggo with our son. at first he was still at that job, but later he was let go because of his record (had a felony, I was aware of that when I first met him but it was 6+ years ago and he has been clean since then and he never went to jail, just served probation). He lied on his application to get the job and was found out. From then on he has bounced from temp job to temp job, staying a few months then once child support caught up, he would pay for a few months then something would happen and he would lose his contract. Not entirely his fault, just the work ended. Now he is searching for a permanent job, he is having trouble because everyone in his field (admin./computers) runs background checks and although it has been 10 years now he gets a "thanks but no thanks" so it is hard for him to secure a perm job. That is part of it but the other part is pure laziness…he refreshes his resume on monster and that’s it…he never actually applies to anything although he has internet access where he stays (at his dad’s where he has stayed for the past 6 months since losing his apartment).
Even when he did work he might buy a bag of diapers or a pair of shoes but little else unless i begged for it.

He currently lives with his dad, but his own father refuses to give him food saying "I am giving you a roof over your head for free that is enough you are grown buy your own food". Problem is…he has no job so he looks to me to buy him food and pay his cell bill (so he can have employers call him since his dad won’t even let him give out the home number). Now if he was actively searching for a job i don’t mind spending the $150/month (100 food, 50 cell) so he can survive, after all, he is my son’s father even if I personally am not with him. Problem is over the past few months he refuses to take a job at walmart or something so he can have a little $ to work with until he lands a real 9-5. He is waiting for his "big opportunity" and keeps talking about as soon as he gets a job he is going to pay me back for all I have done, get our son and I and him an apartment of our own, etc. but he is not putting forth much effort to do so. He does have a few interviews lined up over the next 2 weeks, but he acts like he alrerady has the jobs and doesn’t bother to search for more or put out more resumes. This is going on month 3. I don’t want to tell him I won’t help him because then he will get angry with me and then start crying and whining he has no food (really, his family will not help him besides the living quarters) but I don’t want to enable his lazy behavior. He is putting forth 10% effort when he could have easily had a $10/hr job for now and be working on that $20+ hour job his qualifications are good enough for. He is content to sit making $0/hour because he knows I will not let him go hungry. What can I do? What do I say?

EDIT: I also wanted to add I have never lived with him. He kept his place and I kept mine (or we stayed with respective family) although he lost his quickly with no job. He now insists we live together once he gets his job because he knows with all the child support taken out, he will be lucky to afford a studio on his own and he knows without me and my income, he will be barely scraping by. I honestly do not want to live with him, I would prefer he get his own and prove to me he can be a man and maintain a place of his own for at least a year before I consider sharing a place with him. How can he expect to help support us if he can’t even support himself? Plus the old whi buy the cow when you can get the milk for free analogy…he keeps talking of marriage but has not shown me one bit of stability to make me want to marry him
The question is do you love him?

Hang in there, you are supporting your child as a loving mother and that is the most important thing.

I do love him and care for him I am just tired of him not trying to do better for himself. Of course with or without him our son has been and will be well cared for. I just wish he’d put forth more effort so I could have some help….I am getting tired of doing everything myself. Of course I will keep on doing it, I just wish I had some help from him
i don’t see why you would even deal with him (pay his phone/food bill)

if you continue to help him, he will never mature up and get a job (even at wal-mart). he’ll know he’ll always have you as a back up and honestly, i think he’s just playing you

sure he’s your son’s father, but how can he provide for your son when he cant’ provide for himself? don’t count on him for anything….I wouldn’t

He doesn’t sound like he cares about you at all, you could do much better. He just wants to live with you to avoid paying child support. I understand that you’d love for you guys to be a real family but that guy is just not mature enough for that.

I see exactly what you are saying, I guess I was thinking "well maybe if I gave him some time he would prove me wrong"….well he’s had 3 months now…nothing has changed.

The only positives I can honestly say about him is that he has never cheated on me, when he has a job he does pay his child support (or at least get a few small things), and he is good at watching our son when he is sick so I don’t have to take a day off and picking him up from school when for some reason I will be late in getting to him…which is what he should do anyways because he is his dad.

I feel as though he is getting comfortable "living off " his father for the living situation and me for food/free phone/a little cash here and there (like $20) and although he is looking a little, he could have a job already…something is better than nothing

I told him from day one, no matter what happens to you and I as a couple, he can ALWAYS see his son whenever he wants (with a little notice so I can plan to bring him there). I am not the type to do that just because of money.

I hate to tell him "I can’t help you anymore" because I know all he will do is cry/complain/say anything to get that little $50 from me….while being as tactful as I can, what would be the best way in your opinion how to tell him basically I will no longer help him financially, you are on your own from now on? I know it is tough out here to get a job and even if he got hired today he won’t have a check/money to even get to work for at least 2 weeks…just give him $100 and be like make it work you are getting nothing else from me?

I hate to admit it, you’re right Even if he had a job, although he would help with the house bills and whatnot and is a pretty good caretaker, I would still be the one doing the majority of things, like reminding him such and such bill is due, taking our son back and forth to school everyday (he doesn’t drive) etc. and I would actually lose out because if we lived together technicially if he pays 1/2 the rent I don’t think he has to pay me support! He wouldn’t give it freely that’s for sure…he only "pays" if he gets garnished

I’m better off doing bad by myself, right?

It doesn’t sound to me like you are doing bad at all. You’ve been a good mom to your son, he has everything he needs and is well-cared for. Once you stop giving your ex money, you’ll have more to spend on you and your son. I agree with Viper, give him a little money to last a few weeks and tell him after that, it’s over. Tell him that you have to save up to move out and that you can’t afford to support him anymore. If he starts whining and crying then just remind yourself that you are better off without someone like that.
You have two kids, basically. Time to cut big kid loose, in my opinion. Giving him money only rewards his behavior.
blackgrrl23, you are facilitating his dysfunction. I bet you still see him.
You need to quit helping him. If you stop helping him and he really has nothing else and is hungry enough he WILL take a job or wherever offered. Sounds like he whines to you because you let him get his way. Put your foot down. You do NOT need to support him. You support part of him already on your own. I would tell him when he gets his life turned around he can talk about your future together. Dont let him use you.

only so he can see his son and I can drop him off whatever food…maybe 3-4x a month? I don’t sleep with him or anything like that

thanks once again you are right

will do! I told him today "You have until the 1st of the year to get yourself a job. I am not helping you after next week." At first he started making all kinds of excuses "Retail doesn’t pay enough, it’s only part-time, I can’t work and job search at the same time, yadda yadda" but then he was convinced I was serious and then said "OK I will go out and get something boo I promise!" Like I said, he has 2 interviews lined up but knowing him I seriously doubt he will have a job by then. He acts as if retail or construction is "a waste of his time" or ‘beneath him"….not my problem he doesn’t want to work hard for his money….he will see what will happen to him

Tough love is the only answer for him. I even spoke to my dad about this today and he agreed with all of you completely…help him for maybe 1 more week and that’s it. My dad says any able bodied man can find a job in 2 weeks tops, even if it’s digging ditches for $6/hour. A man should be able to take care of his family and himself any way possible. I know it’s true because my dad was digging ditches for money for food for me when I was a baby I remember him coming home all sweaty and caked with dirt but proud

I just get tired of hearing the "Baby when I get a paycheck I’m gonna do x,y, and z for you" when I know it is not going to happen based on past actions. It’s like a 50-year old rapper waiting to go platinum…it won’t happen
You made a good choice when you chose not to live with him. You sound like you’re doing the right things (caring for your son, making sure he gets to see his father, staying employed, etc) – just make sure you celebrate your own successes, too! Take a little of the money you’ll save by not paying bills you shouldn’t have to pay, and buy yourself something.

self-destructive people fuck up their lives intentionally, if not consciously. break off supporting him (i guess that’s obvious after what sportsjunkie said).
If you continue to give him cash you are facilitating his lifestyle – You’re issuing your approval by action regardless of your verbal communication.

Cut him off. Report his late payments of child support. Find a real father and husband to add to your family.
Now that you told him that MAKE SURE YOU DONT CAVE IN AND GIVE HIM HIS WAY. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. If you give him his way he will know you are not serious about things and can get whatever he wants from you.

Trust me the child support is well aware he is not paying….the second I find out what his new job is if he ever gets one they will be notified.

There is no point of locking him up over it, he can’t make payments in jail

He will get one more "grocery delivery" next week (no cash though) and that’s it. After that I will refer him to the local food bank for food and hand him the washington post jobs sunday section.
It might take a boy to make a girl pregnant, but it takes a man to raise a family. He definitly needs to grow up and mature on behalf of his child and you. The time of being irrisponsible is way beyond his age. Its just something he needs to discover for himself. You best not put up with his immature behaviour, to me it looks like you have two sons that need to be raised into adulthood.

you are right as well

Ironically, he called me today to let me know he got a credit card (a small limit, maybe $500) and what was the first thing he went and bought? He bought HIMSELF some $75 shoes because he "needed them for his interviews" when he has a pair already that just need to be shined up and of course paid his own cell bill and bought a few groceries. He said the remainder of the credit was for christmas and he was going to buy our son a few things…but still…he thought of HIMSELF first! Didn’t even offer to get my son or I anything today….not that we need anything it’s the principle

That was the nail in the coffin for me No more.
well here it is christmas….

Did he get his son anything as promised? No. He maxxed out his card on ordering chinese food and pizzas, etc. because he "had to eat" and "there isn’t a grocery store within walking distance" There are buses that run through his neighborhood and a major shopping center within a 20 minute walk of his house, he is just lazy

I bought our son everything he wanted/asked for. My best friend had me come pick up some more gifts for my son yesterday. He asked me to drop by and I was like "I can come by tomorrow with our sonI am over my friends house getting gifts" he was like "tell her I said thank you" and hung up. He is just jealous because myself, family, and friends are doing for our son and he is doing nothing. Still no job, only 1 interview next week with yet another temp agency, and he hasn’t sent out any applications in the past 2 weeks because "the hiring will pick up after the 1st of the year".

I will bring our son by for christmas tomorrow for a while, but after that I am through. I am tempted to just file for sole custody (of course visitation allowed I am not that evil) because I do everything by myself anyways

And no I have not given him any money since the 10th of this month…only $100 which was spent within the week on a playstation controller, a few beers, and subway sandwiches
Maybe this will teach you not to date felons and get knocked up by them. You knew he lied on his job applications since you were aware of his felony so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that he was going to get caught. You also shouldn’t expect him to have any $20/hr job with a felony on his record even if he is qualified (which I doubt he is).

Stop playing the victim role, you decided to date a felon, have sex with him, then have his baby even though you couldn’t financially afford it. Then you are shocked when this felon can’t get a job and doesn’t pay you child support?

Just take care of yourself and your kid (who is going to have issues no matter what you do) and get this loser out of your life. If he cares about you or the kid (which he obviously doesn’t) he would be working any job he could get such as walmart. Don’t pay for his stuff, trust me hes not going to starve, he will just con someone else into buying his food, or he’ll actually be forced to get a job. Cut him off.

Start making better choices, don’t sleep with criminals and then have their babies and then have the audacity to act surprised when he doesn’t support you.

thanks for the morality speech, I know this already…my son is here now so I just do what I have to.

FYI, i have been able to support my child from day 1 financially, I am just upset he doesn’t. I no longer expect anything from him and if he ever pays me that support, it’s just icing on the cake.

I never said I was a victim, with or without him my son will be well taken care of I just wanted to vent about it so maybe other people will stop and think before they decide to have a child with someone
Thanks for keeping it real
This guy isn’t a man. The reason he doesn’t try is because everyone keeps giving him handouts and they do it because it’s so easy for him to get it. The only way he can ever be one is if you cut ties with him completely. Let him live his life on his own and get settled first. If he needs a phone get a prepaid. I spent $100 on mine and it’s lasted 3 months. Tell him to use it only for business and keep personal calls short. You have the means to take care of your child. That’s all that matters. If this continues he’ll never become a man. But he can and when he does he’ll appreciate you and his son so much more.

This is done

As of today, he still has no job He’s seen his son every week, but no real job prospects lined up. He actually had the nerve to ask me last saturday to get us all an apartment and he will pay rent as soon as he starts working I am 2/3 of the way to my house downpayment in savings now…he knows nothing about it. I am going to be buying a condo/small townhouse in 3-4 years max and he’ll still be sitting at his dad’s working crappy temp jobs if he keeps this up
Just venting some more

He’s still sitting on that couch with no job. He had the audacity to ask me when I was filing my taxes and asked to borrow some refund money to tide him over. I move into my new place saturday and he has no idea I got my son and I an apartment because I know the first words out of his mouth will be "so when can I move in?". My family/friends have valdated everything you all said about not giving in, not giving him any more money, etc….they say file for sole custody but I really don’t want to take it there, I just want him to uphold his responsibilities as a dad (and I don’t mean just the financial…I would rather him spend time with his son than have the money…if he ever works again the state will catch him in due time )

Thanks OT for listening
Whatever you do, do NOT give him anymore money. Stop enabling him. I realize you say you don’t want the financial support, but he needs to grow up and support his son in all ways.
It sounds to me like you have a strong work ethic, great character, are a loving and nurturing mother, and have your priorities straight.

Save for the ex.

A lot of the advice in here is fantastic, and you seem like the kind of person who comes into a situation like this with an open mind ready to listen and really pay attention. I especially agree with the "rewarding his behavior" posts in here. If he can’t even bring himself to take a job at Wal-Mart, then he certainly doesn’t understand the gravity of his situation.

I think you’ve already made it quite clear that he can’t uphold his responsibilities as a dad. At least not all of them.

you are absolutely right I haven’t given him a penny since the last $100 I gave him about a month ago. From what I understand just now after speaking to his sister, he is getting money in the mail from his ex Let her deal with him…if she wants to continue paying for his life she can go right ahead

I have already made it clear to him I am no longer supporting him. I told him yesterday on the phone to get a job anywhere, but he insists his background is hindering him from getting a job. I told him you may have to start from the bottom again and he whined about that so I hung up on him.

Well, well…sounds like case closed in my opinion.

The only thing left is to decide whether or not to file for sole custody because I fear one day I may drop my son off over there and he may try to leave the state with him or something Maybe I watch too many drama movies but for my own sanity and security, maybe I better…of course visitation allowed but legally if he tries to run with him, then he can be arrested…my dad says have him locked up over the back child support which as of today has risen to 7 grand…

Not sure if it’s lawyers or State employees, but talk to the person who would normally get these things rolling. Explain your situation. They’re obviously going to be biased, but at least you’ll get an idea of what to expect when the time comes to make the decision.

That’s thousands of dollars that he not only owes you, but his son. Like I said earlier, he doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation and thinks he’s being shielded by you from owning up to his responsibilities, which are obviously vast and extremely important.

I will call the courthouse and ask to be connected with a counselor or legal aid associate to see what my options are. Like I said before, I do not want to send him to jail unless there is no other way to enforce the past due amount. Obviously he cannot pay it from jail. I think getting him up in front of a judge may scare him into doing the right thing
Well jail is definitly not a place i want to send him too, but i feel you need to stop protecting him, and force him to take up his own responsibility. Im hoping that by doing that he’ll finally get some insight into what effort and investment goes into raising children and taking care of your family. Its all too much about him, and not about ‘ us ‘ or better said you,your child and him. I still think he’s just taking advantage of you, and you’d be a stronger woman if you showed some spine, and refused him access to your life. But i won’t blame you if you don’t manage, because that requires a lot of courage. On the other hand he isn’t a criminal, although neglecting your family can be seen as a crime in itself,its not something you’ll get apprehended for immediatly. For the rest i think that all what has needed to be said has been said, its time you take the initiative and weave what’s best to wear for your own future for the sake of yourself and your child.
Just an update

He is finally working for another temp agency he worked with in the past…he’s only getting day-to-day assignments. He gets paid this week but after paying public storage (all his stuff is in there and he is already 2 months behind), his credit card minimum, and his cell phone airtime (he switched to a prepaid plan), he will have maybe $50 left to live for the next week. So no money for me…

His birthday is friday and he wants me to come with him and his family to dinner but I dont want to go because his family is cheap and will probably look for me to pay 1/2 if not all the bill since I’m his "girlfriend". I really don’t want to go but out of niceness I should but then again why should I pay for anything for him?

I did get the ball rolling with the child support; he will be garnished within 14 business days, let’s just hope he keeps working If he ducks out on this job I am filing for sole custody and taking him to court over the past due child support

Thanks for the advice I am hustling right now to make sure my son and I are financially and socially secure; we will be more than ok with or without his help All I want is for him to realize he is equally as responsibile as I am on raising the boy pictured in my AV

um..i wouldnt advise going out for dinner with his family. That would give them the impression that 1) you support your ex and 2) that the way he treats you is okay and 3) you suscpect they might be asking you to pay.
i thought you guys werent together anymore? i thought hes been using you? i thoguth hes been lying to you? i thought he owes your son 7 thousand?
uh uh girl, dont go.

Decline, and if they ask why, tell the truth – you resent feeling obligated to go when you don’t really want to, and you don’t want to be stuck with the bill. Both are fair concerns. If you do decide to go, take the waitress aside and ask for separate bills before the tab is drawn up at the end of the meal. If you have a little spare money, buy a card and maybe a very small gift; this would help to remove any implications that you’re picking up the tab as a birthday gift.

Were I in your shoes, I wouldn’t go. Don’t throw him a bone to enable his behaviour, since he seems to be quite happy just scraping by with his family and friends turning a blind eye (or worse, encouraging it). You can do better and you know it.

umm….you can still go to dinner, just pay your bill and that’s that.
if they ask you to pay more other than yours, say no and leave

That is what I am probably going to do..bring just enough money for myself and my son and let them figure out the rest…I’ll ask for a seperate check too

Yes I did His sister offered to pay for my son and I but I paid for our meals (she paid for us last time we went out). His sister is a sweetheart. I have no problems with her. Not much was said at the dinner table. He got cards from each member of the family with a bit of cash in each…altogether he got about $200. He gave me $50 and said put that in our son’s piggy bank in front of his family I guess to act like he was really taking care of us He didn’t get his paycheck in the mail yet but it should show today…I’ll post up if he helps out any more than that. He was extra-clingy last night, holding on to me and our son and kissing on us and hugging us a lot in front of everyone….

His family asked ‘So when are you two moving together? (they have no idea what’s really going on) and he blurted out ‘I got a new job that starts next week so I am giving her my first paycheck so we can move out" I just gave the family the look and kept eating and said nothing. He did get a job offer for a yearlong contract with a major government contractor yesterday (pending background check ) he isn’t lying about it I saw the email but regardless of this he is not moving in with me. all he is getting is reported to the child support office on his new employment. I am not letting him move in with me. I will help him find a studio apartment for himself and if he can keep that up for a year with no problems then I will reevaluate but for now, we keep our seperate residences.
Well he failed the background check

Back to temping for him
Glad to hear that you aren’t helping him out anymore and that things are going well for you. It’s too bad he didn’t get the job though so he could start giving you money.

The state will catch him…I sent a letter to them about the temp agency he works at so he should be getting garnished shortly

I am setting up a date for a hearing now so he will have to tell a judge why he is not working towards a permanent job and give him 60 days to find one or he’ll be locked up

Turns out when I called the child support office, the agent let it slip he has ANOTHER case out which means he has another child he did not bother to tell me about in North Carolina That case is in arrears for well over 15k so the child must be at least 10 or so

Update later, I don’t know how to react right now…..
Wow. This is affirmation of your choice not to let him live with you – that’s for sure! Keep us updated!

Well I called him on it…and he said yes he does have another son but insists the child is not his and he had a blood test done but since he signed the birth certificate he was "on the hook". I simply said OK and thanks for being honest and hung up. Since he can’t even take care of his first child there is no need for me to try to press him on supporting my son. If the state garnishes him, fine. If not, fine. I will take care of my son with or without his financial assistance. I will continue to allow him to see his son 4-5x monthly. Regardless of the financials a boy needs his daddy.

I really can’t get mad, I actually feel a bit relieved. I know now he’s a bonafide deadbeat and will never change his ways so there is no need for me to even consider a serious relationship with him anymore. To think I once loved this man All the caring, loving, cuddling in the world in the end does not help pay the bills.

Any further questions, ask away
On an updated note, he did get garnished for the child support yesterday…he called me crying his check was only 157 and he got garnished for the rest and he is all worried about how he is going to pay his storage and credit cards…as if I was going to volunteer to help him…he knows I get paid friday but I am not giving him shyt

I told him we are having a serious talk tomorrow night (over the phone, if I see him in person he may try to sweettalk me or tug at my heartstrings)

He is a man, he needs to get himself together….I can’t do everything for him
Valentines day…he got me a nice diamond necklace and a stuffed tiger and begged me to share an apartment with him once again…and I declined Now he is blowing up my phone since he knows I am his only way out…his little temp job taking home $300/week won’t get him much in the way of an apartment. I will stay strong and decline his advances Although I am now recieving child support payments (only because he is being garnished), he stil does not deserve to live with us

Did you ask him why he bought you baubles when you and him both know that your son should be priority #1? Not to say that you don’t deserve a little appreciation (you do) but come on… diamonds? Diamonds should be bought when he has steady work and his financial priorities in order. It sounds like he’s trying to play your emotions – he wants to be enabled. He wants to be able to live the way he’s been living… on someone else’s tab.

Good for you for staying strong. Keep at it – you know you’re doing the right thing. From what you’ve posted I have the utmost respect for you. (Not that that means much on the internet but you get what I’m saying…)

Enabler….that is the word I was looking for Basically if I were to allow him to live with me I would be enabling him since he knows I would not let the rent go unpaid or not let the lights get cut off or there not be food in the fridge. He thinks he can sit on my couch and play playstation and eat up the food I bought while I go to work….I don’t think so.

And the necklace…it cost $99…I looked it up online

Thanks for the support
I am big on Men’s rights. I believe that men are pretty much getting shafted in our society.
Having said that…

You need to explain to him that you can have him in jail for not paying child support. If he gets a job at Wal-Mart you won’t do that.

Here is the hard part.

You need to follow through. Give him a week.

You got enough problems. You don’t need to be supporting him and your child.

I do understand your stance in men’s rights. However, he helped create this child and does accept and love him. How is his love going to help take care of his son? Love won’t pay the babysitter or put a roof over his head or food on the table. It doesn’t just magically appear. As adults, we must WORK to take care of our children. It is not fair to place all the burden on one parent and let the other run free with no obligations whatsoever. If a man doesn’t want the responsibility, then he should just sign away his rights to the child. You can’t have your cake and eat it too with a human life

He is working and paying his support now….let’s just see how long he keeps it up for.
So far so good with the child support Too bad he is only getting assignments for 2 days out of 5 so his checks are next to nothing which means I see little to nothing…but something is better than nothing

He is still asking me about the apartment and I told him get a permanent job first and keep it for awhile then you can get an apartment (I didn’t say with me)

I’ve been checking this thread for some time now and I’m really glad to see that you’re staying strong and not letting him sweet talk you into helping him again.

Yay for awesome single moms!

Thanks!
Your bi-weekly update

He is still working day-to-day with the temp agency but has yet to make an effort to apply elsewhere. I am still getting my child support checks so on that end all is OK.

He STILL is asking to move with me…he does not know I have gotten my new apartment and have been there for several months now…he assumes I still live with my parents If I told him I live on my own, it’s guarenteed he would be at my doorstep with his bags in hand in an instant. WHat I do know is that his aunt and uncle from out of town are coming up in april to stay at the house so they will need his couch space…so in other words his dad said by the 1st of April he needs to be gone. EVery day hs calls me and asks "Do you know what area you want to move to? I found this great apartment over here" and I tell him "But are they going to accept your temping paystub as proof of employment when you only average 20 hours a week?" and he has no response to that. All he says is "well you make 11ty a year between the 2 of us we should be approved" and I just laugh and change the subject. He just doesn’t get it!
Have you sat him down and told him that there’s no way in hell you’re gonna live with him? Sounds like he needs a reality check.

I told him that but he continues to whine he can’t find a job good enough that he can afford an apartment AND pay me child support Everything is someone else’s fault to him so I guess he better get comfortable at his dad’s …he obviously is not willing to work as many jobs as it takes to get himself out

That sucks that he’s so immature. Is he not willing to get a roommate so it would be cheaper?

He could very easily find one but he doesn’t even have a decent enough job in order to pay the $400/month room rent See what I am dealing with?
My best friend is like "move him in and see what he does. If he "mans up" and helps you pay rent and everything, good. If he sits on your couch and makes no effort to help you at all, you can leave him for good once the lease is up and not look back knowing that you tried to give him one last chance to prove himself". She has me thinking about it

Your ideas?

Sooo you’re going to give him yet another chance which he has done absolutely nothing to deserve, likely end up paying the entire rent for the duration of the lease while he mooches off you (again, which is teaching him yet again that he doesn’t have to do anything and you will support him) and live with him for a year just so you have another reason to leave him? You have enough already. IF he ever mans up, then give him another chance. Until then, you’re just encouraging bad behaviour. Do not teach him he can get away with this, for his own good as well as yours and your child’s.
I just reread my original post and when I wrote it and when it is now…it reaffirms my decision to kick his azz to the curb I just thought I’d bring to the table what my friend had said to do.

My initial thought? Run away screaming from that idea. It would be infinitely harder to kick him out than to keep from from moving in in the first place, and I think deep down you know that. Not only that, you’d be giving him false hope in regards to the status of your relationship. If your relationship goes south and you feel pressed to file for sole custody, a move like this could hurt your chances of getting it.

I don’t know how your parents’ relationship worked out, but I can tell you from experience that life sucks when your parents don’t have a loving relationship where each values the other as an equal partner. It seems you’d be bitter (and understandably so) at pulling the vast majority of the household weight if he moved in. Your son will pick up on that; don’t doubt it for even a second. Kids are much happier when their parents are happy, even if this means they aren’t living together.

These things aside, should you decide to move on and enter the dating field again, your progress in this area would be hampered if your babydaddy was living with you.

Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s the right thing to do.
What the hell do you mean your sons father? That doesn’t make sense. Wouldnt you be the father if it was your son?
Well.. all I can really think to say is, you have yourself and your child to support. That’s a lot. You’re supporting him, and enabling him to continue on the way things are. I think you need to pull your support from him financially, and if what you want is child support, you go to the courts, and have them garnish his wages whenever he has a job.

To have a child and not be willing to take even the lowest job to support not only yourself, but your child? That’s beyond irresponsible.

I think you owe it to yourself to allow him to be a father if he wants to be, but for him to do it without you supporting him, financially.

And for god’s sake, don’t move in with someone you know has a really bad track record of keeping a job and paying bills!!!! You want to support 3 people?

You’re absolutely right

Hell no, he doesn’t deserve that. He hasn’t "manned up" all this time so I doubt he’d start doing it now.

Oh I know this very well I just put it out there because my friend said this to me…it almost makes me wonder if she wants me to be mserable or something… He can still be a dad from his own place if he put forth the effort

What part of the "grrl" in her name do you not understand?

You are a cowboys fan so you don’t understand.

There is a current order out for the support…(copy paste from website)

Balance owed on account, including current support still due for this time period, interest charges, and any debt owed to the State of Virginia: $ 5,948.56

That is the figure he owes me. I have never been on any state aid. He pays only when garnished and once that happens he stays on the job another month or 2 and then gets himself fired or quits or just plain gets laid off, wash, rinse, repeat.

Like we all have said, he can’t be mad, UPS is always hiring, but he is too lazy to do that or work at a grocery store or something. I did file for sole custody but didn’t send in the final piece of paperwork…but I sure as hell am sending it in today.

Even my own brother said being an ex con whater is no excuse….he said his company has hired ex cons fresh out of jail, homeless people, etc. willing to give second chances to work….but they have to want to do the work and start from the bottom again. It’s ok my son and I will be fine, karma will pwn him in the end my son knows who takes care of him every day

Hells to the no I already support my son, me, myself, and I!
Yet another brief update:

He’s still at his dad’s and I am at my place. He just called me crying asking me if I could loan him $300 to pay his public storage bill because if he doesn’t pay it all by saturday the 31st of his stuff will get sold and he does have some valuables in there (I know because I helped him move stuff in there). I’ll pay it but I am taking him to the people and giving them the money directly. I’ll also have them sign off on a little contract I am making just in case I have to bring him to small claims court. It’ snot the money it’ s the principle He has been paying child support up until a week ago when his temp job fell through yet again. Let me go get an excedrin….
i don’t even know why you care about him anymore

his ways will catch up with him. if you are supporting your son, you should just let the gov’t handle the child support. I wouldn’t pay that $300 storage bill. I don’t care if he has valuables; he could have the map to a fucking treasure chest, I still wouldn’t pay it.

He’s got you wrapped around his little finger. why doesn’t he asked his family for help? you are not his family. you’re supporting his bad habits

sorry honey bun
Maybe his valuables should be sold… his financial priorities aren’t in the right place anyway. He could sell something off to pay his storage bill.

I know I have a few things in that storage unit too that I don’t want to lose (some classic LP’s/records/CD’s and some antique furniture among other things) so my stuff would be sold right along with it…so I am kinda stuck there He said he would pay it but obviouosly didn’t

The child support is on him no worries there…as soon as he gets a job they will start garnishing him again

I haven’t given him a penny in the past month so don’t think I am enabling him….I am not at all He has been on his own for his food/cell/etc…. It’s just this storage issue came to light yesterday and since I have things in there too I need to pay it to get my stuff (and his) out…

And his family…they don’t care about him (and I don’t either) so it is no shock to me they wouldn’t help him…why should they when he doesn’t even pay them any kind of rent?

ALl that matters to me is that my son and I are healthy happy and have our home/food/chance to go to school and the few things I have in storage….not him

True that, but I can’t even get into the unit t o get my stuff out….the company put a lock of their own on the door and it can’t be taken off until the bill is paid I have a key so I will pay it and take EVERYTHING out myself and sell off his stuff on ebay to pay me back
So I did pay it I got my stuff out and he came with his brother to get his. I told his brother I just paid for the storage and he said thank you and was like (he is not working either…he has a paralegal degree and doesn’t use it!) I can walk away with a clear conscience now….they all are losers. I am the winner …I hold my son down by myself
I’ve only read 1st and last pages here but it seems like an ongoing dialogue of the same advice.

If you’re not maddly in love with baby’s daddy, you don’t owe him shit. You don’t owe him shit either way but especially not when he’s a deadbeat whom you don’t seem to want to be with romantically. You’re ENABLING his lazy tendancies. Its not your fault or your problem that he got a felony however small the offense. In my experience, never be with someone just for the kids sake either. You can’t be any good to the kids if you’re not good for yourself first. So don’t move in with him just for HIS convenience. That’s puts you directly in the line of fire for WHEN the shit hits the fan with his financial irresponsibility as it inevitably does time and time again.

You need to show some tough love here. I know what its like to be a single mom struggling to get by. I lived on Welfare just to be able to go to college. I know what that whole world looks like. You already have enough on your plate being a mom making ends meet in this world to be concerned let alone consumed with how baby’s daddy is gonna eat. Look into programs out that that subsidize childcare. They exist and no, it doesn’t mean you’re on Gov’t assistance if you have it. Its there for single parents who just can’t afford the demanding costs of today’s childcare on top of everything else.

You’re giving the daddy false hope letting him assume you’ll move in together down the road. You need to have a very honest frank sit down with him and break it all down. Tell him that you can’t continue down this same path anymore. Your #1 priority is your son and then your 2nd is yourself. PERIOD, END OF STORY. You can’t afford to be paying for his cell, his food, his gas $ or whatever else you’re covering for him. He owes YOU money so the last thing you should be doin is giving him money of yours. He needs to man up and take responsibility for himself. His family has the right idea-they KNOW he’s a lazy ass so by forcing him to find other means to live beyond the roof over his head is a great start on their part, but what they really need to do is give him their own ultimatim: "get your shit together and find a place by X amount of time or you’re outta here".

I suggest you find your own ultimatims or you’ll forever be dealing with this man’s hypocricies and mediocrities.

The best of luck.
Wow I only read part of this thread but I’m thinking to myself why are you being a doormat for this guy? I understand he’s the father of your child but why are you enabling him to be lazy? He owes you several thousand dollars in child support and you continue to lend HIM money No offense but he doesnt sound much like a father to me, way to be a role model for your child Cut the cord this guy is a deadbeat theres plenty of jobs out there he’s just lazy
**UPDATE**

He got a job! Finally! Believe it or not, he will be sponsered for a security clearance! He started on Monday and I already have faxed off the info to the child support people He said he will pay me 1/2 his paychecks for the next 3 months (he gets paid on the same days I do ) so we will see if he keeps his word.

Best case, I at least get the child support (he can’t quit if he wants the clearance) AND cash moneys from him, worse case, I get just the support (which is all I was asking for in the first place.)

He is obviously doing a bit better than my last report, but only payday will tell if he does what he says.

and FUCK NO HE IS STILL NOT MOVING WITH ME JOB OR NOT UNTIL HE PROVES ME WRONG

There should be no UNTIL. The guy’s a loser. You said it yourself that he’s got unpaid child support arrears to another child in some other city/state that he neglected to tell you about. That’s a big deal kind of thing not to mention. If that child’s older than yous that child might very well have 1st dibs to any child support paid out. I believe that’s the law in CA not sure about where you live. You may want to check on that. Hopefully he’s got a wage assignment on his pay checks for YOUR child. I know what this whole scene looks like. My daughter’s father is a fuck-up too. I had her in HS but got straight A’s and got myself in college and got a BA 4yrs later ON MY OWN. I went to court early on for child support but the guy was/is such a loser he kept job jumping and then state jumping that they couldn’t track him down. So I said fuck it, I don’t want his money anyways. So over the years, he never kicked his recreational drug habits and let them progress to worse and worse drugs. LOSERVILLE!!! Then he moved back to my state and got all self-righteous with me about HIS daughter. FUUUUUCKKKKK YOUUUUUU buddy. Sorry but that’s how I feel. Now my daughter is old enough to deny any contact with him. She’s 12. I COULD reestablish child support but I take greater satisfaction knowing I’ve raised that child from birth all by myself. Plus he’s fathered other children and can’t keep it together there either.

You >me

Just an update

He is still working at that place and is due for his first paycheck this friday. We’ll see what he gives me, if anything Obviously his fam has not kicked him out because he is still there. The child support got my info and said they will garnish his check for my son first, but any tax return he may have due will go to the other mother more than likely since it is more in arrears. Enen if I don’t get a penny my son and I are living it up right now
SO he gave me $500 ….he is still on that couch though He got wind somehow I got an apartment and has been BEGGING to come live with me and I say no

We are doing fine without him and actually I was suprised to get the moneys but he showed me how megar his check was (no support taken out yet but a very low check that could barely afford him a studio)…I just told him hold on once you get your clearance you should be able to afford a place on your own and I will gladly drop by with our son but I refuse to live with you

He insists we just share rent and he go on my lease since he is working, but I know better than that Once I let him in it will be impossible to get him out….better off we maintain on our own and I drop our son off to him every now and then and that’s it…as long as support is paid, and he gets to see his son, I could care less about him

Good for you Girl!! Unfortunately, in CA, the visitation cannot be directly affected by lack of child support paid out. Not sure if your visitation is established thru court or not but if so they’ll severely warn you not to prohibit visitation due to the absentee parent not making their child support payments despite how much it makes sense to you. I remember wanting to do the same thing. made me pissed when my mom, who worked for the DA-Child Support Division told me I can’t do it that way.

Just keep staying strong about not having him move in with you. If you’re not willing to have this man back in your bed, then don’t for once even think about having him back in your home. You left him for a reason, and YOU would be regressing if you allowed that to happen. He’s a grown man, he can figure his own shit out.

I don’t even know you and I’m proud of you for sticking to your guns about this.
Guess what? He lost the job due to the amount of back child support for both cases! The security clearance asked him for proof of payment to bring both balances to less than 3k and of course he can’t do that so now he is jobless again. Soooooo glad I didn’t move him in

Wait, what? He failed to achieve security clearance due to personal debts? That sounds odd to me. I didn’t think companies had the right to monitor the personal finances of their employees.

They can ask for credit checks now…irresponsible with credit = irresponsible person

Well, when you’re 8k late with one case and 20k+ late with another, I don’t think you’re that responsible

exactly

He asked me to send out resumes for him and to be patient

His dad is pissed I almost feel sorry for him…..wait….what….nevermind he’s not my husband/BF/whatever I do not need to worry about him he can fend for himself

I just started checking this thread and I have to say to you! You’ve stayed strong which can be very hard for people in your situation. My sister is one of them. Her loser ass baby’s daddy sat around for the first year of their son’s life. He also had a felony on his record but he did have money. Not sure where it all came from but he was able to pay for some stuff at least. He did finally get a job and has become a good dad. I HOPE the same happens for you and your son!

Thanks for the well wishes

But I came in here to say that he is now at a homeless shelter now that his dad has kicked him out as well He has called me about 5x today crying and begging me to either loan him $ for a hotel or to at least come pick him up as their rules are he has to leave the premises between 7am-3pm daily and he has nowhere to go during those hours (he still has no job ) All I have offered to do is email a few resumes for him but that’s it he is on his own and he has done this to himself so now that he’s at rock bottom (no one is babying him anymore) let’s hope he pulls himself together…

Lets just hope this tough love works

Amen to that. If that doesn’t kick some sense into him, nothing will. Don’t give in to his requests (but you already knew that). I’m pretty sure that he could be hitting the pavement between 7 and 3 looking for a job (hint, hint). Public libraries usually have computers that can be used if he needs to update his resume. He doesn’t sound like he’s much of a winner though – he sounds like he’d go back to his old ways on the first chance he gets. Where’s his head at?
QUOTE=teo;78572831]Amen to that. If that doesn’t kick some sense into him, nothing will. Don’t give in to his requests (but you already knew that). I’m pretty sure that he could be hitting the pavement between 7 and 3 looking for a job (hint, hint). Public libraries usually have computers that can be used if he needs to update his resume. He doesn’t sound like he’s much of a winner though – he sounds like he’d go back to his old ways on the first chance he gets. Where’s his head at?[/quote]

Obviously up his ass

update!

so after being in that shelter for 2 days he manages to sweettalk his dad into staying there. he has been there for the past 2 weeks but his official "last day" is this saturday. only yesterday did he go to the library to apply for something else..these past 2 weeks he has been on 2 interviews with temp agencies who had put him through all the tests then said they don’t have a job for him. He could have applied for comcast who is hiring in my area among other options yet he said "i can’t live off of 11/hr once child support catches up with me" His cell is cut off again and his dad refuses to let him use the house phone nor feed him so he has been subsiding off of ramen noodles and eggs and such. I did take him out to eat once, but only because he asked to see our son and we was hungrys

But anyway, i predict after saturday evening he will be right back in that shelter….but this time he really has no one to go to! His brother has moved out of the family with his GF and he found a job and is helping her out and his sister is closing on a condo shortly so she will be out as well and i guess their father is looking forward to a peaceful home….

don’t you know he tried once again to beg me to sign for him for a studio apartment???? He said "as soon as I get hired somewhere I’ll give you all my paychecks- a little money for food and metro fare." nicca please He may have decent credit but no money no honey!

The only thing I fear is if he tries to show up on my doorstep…I know the answer is simple….don’t open the door and call the cops on him for tresspassing….and file a restraining order on his azz

It’s tough love time baby….he could have had a crap job to where he could at least rent a cheap room or something but since he refuses to work for less than 11/12.hr that’s on him…..crappy job or 2 and tiny room for rent>>>>>shelter/street. I guess he will learn that come saturday I am just frustrated because he has so much potential and isn’t stupid but keeps making dumb decisions like this one If it were me i’d work 2 $7/hour jobs so I could at least have a studio apartment to come home to….but he’s too good to work at the safeway, remember? sorry you all, just venting. I have no intentions of backing down, my son and I are fine here in our nice apartment. Time to make the donuts!
WOW, I read this entire thread and I must give you a big thumbs up for being strong, and putting up with everything. I’m not going to totally bash the guy cause I don’t know him, but once again kudos for doing your thing.
Guess what? It’s update time!

Guess where he is: still on his dad’s couch working crappy temp jobs! His dad is kicking him out again in 6 weeks….for good this time! (he is enabling him by allowing him to come in/out freely he should have put him on the street for good the last time IMO)

Guess where I am: on my job with a nice apartment to come home to for my son and I!

Guess what he is still doing: sitting around making excuses as to why he cant find a job and still begging me for money here and there for food (I guess his other ex- cut him off too ) and crying to me from his dads phone begging me for help but yet he refuses to help himself still by getting a retail job or something!

GUess how much he owes me now!

Balance owed on account, including current support still due for this time period, interest charges, and any debt owed to the State of Virginia: $ 6,689.03

Guess what? I don’t care about him anymore I am holding my own!

I realize this thread is a year old now and I have moved forward with my life

son is happy and healthy and going to school: check
apartment: check
car: a POS ford focus but it still runs so check
job: check and have been on the same one over a year now promotion in the works
moneys: someone can loan me $5

As you can see, I am fine without him….better in fact….all he would do is drag me down. If I depended on him in the last year, we’d be in the street or sleeping in the car homeless and all that because how can he take care of us when he can’t even take care of himself?

That is all….for now
Great job

I love reading your updates, I’m glad to hear you and your son are doing well and that you haven’t given it to him
Thanks everyone I keep this thread going because if I feel a moment of weakness I come back to it and read it…something like a diary I guess To remind me of how he has not changed at all over the past few years…..and if I let him back in it would be the same shyt…or worse
good job girlie!!!

i can’t believe what a low life your ex is

if i was down and out, and damn near homeless…i’d work for $5/ hr if i had to. i can’t believe he thinks he’s too good to work for less than $11/hr when he’s not making any money now

people like that are seriously disgusting and trifling
Glad to hear you’re still giving your ex the

this is a great thread to read

to working for next to nothing if I had to. How you can look past cheap labor when you need work is beyond me
Black again

You already know the deal: He is on a 2 month temp assignment that ends October 15th. After that, I did report it to the child support office so hopefully I will see something soon

He has only willingly given me maybe $150 out of his last 3 paychecks altogether.

Of course, he still wants us to live together, after I have told him for the 11ty-ith time NO. He keeps making the same ‘ol empty promises ("baby I will give you all my paycheck just let me sleep on your couch I have to get out of my dad’s house bla bla bla") but still to this point has no permanent employment nor made any serious effort to pay his child support (set @ 250 a month), at a minimum.

So yes, basically I am being a broken record. He wants to live with me, I tell him no, he gets a little shyt job and gives up a few dollars, job ends, he cries to come live with me again since he can’t afford to take care of himself, wash, rinse, repeat.

All I do on a regular basis is drop by with our son so he can see daddy, but now I dread going because all I get are tears and empty promises and I don’t want to listen to it anymore but I have to on account of our son.

Any advice on this? Should I simply start dropping him off/picking him up? The house is filthy and I would prefer to take them elsewhere (such as the park, mcdonalds, someplace else) vs having him (my son) in that house…
Where’s he living now, anyway?

I don’t have much advice on what you should do with the visitations, other than to make it as easy on your son as possible. You probably won’t want to start a tradition of taking them out every time as you’ll end up being a chauffeur or picking up the tab, based on the previous experiences you’ve posted, although once in a while is probably fine. If you don’t want to stay, though, I don’t see why you should have to. Drop your son off, chat for a bit, run some errands (or go to the spa!) and come back in a few hours.

Right now he is back at his dad’s….looks like permanently this time unless he manages to find a decent permanent job

The visitations, I’ll just start dropping him off there and disappear for a few hours…that is supposed to be his time anyway, not both of ours, I am not obligated to stay there with them

…and I do need my hair done did
believe it or not, he just got let go from his temp job

he called me to ask to come to my house during the day only so his dad wont’ get mad at him for not having a job and kick him on the street…I literally said "nigga please, TTYL, Tia (my name)" and hung up on his azz….he couldn’t call me back because he ran out of airtime on his cell phone
wtf

You must have seen something attractive in him at one point, but wow – he sounds like one of the most useless people on the planet, and his dad is enabling him to be that way. You usually have to do something pretty stupid to get let go from a temp position, since you’re gone when the contract runs out anyway.

Keep staying strong.

thx

He’s his dad’s problem now, not mine He has already called me crying about how the child support garnished his final check down to $57 (which means I should see a check soon, thanks CS office ) and asked me if I could swing by with a few groceries this weekend.

I just hung up on him again
Now it’s getting to the point where I may have to get a restraining order on him

He calls me constantly throughout the day crying he is hungry and to loan him a few dollars or send out resumes for him because he is "too weak to go to the library" and I tell him to leave me alone. He keeps asking to come over to eat dinner and I tell him no and then he whines some more then I hang up. He said he will meet me at the apartment (mine) later and I don’t want that I know he will not hurt me or anything like that, I simply don’t want him around unless it is a prearranged visit with his son (which takes place outside of my home he is no longer welcome in mine)…..

I will tell him no one more time and if he ignores my request to cut down drastically on the calls unless it is in regards to our son and to not show up on my premises I will file that order, file for sole custody (visitations allowed of course) and not look back….

thanks all for listening to me this past year I do take all of your advice seriously.

This really sucks, what a dirtbag. He obviously has realized that he’s run out of all options and is now trying to guilt you into helping him. Hope this works out and he leaves you alone. Really sorry you have to deal with this!
If he invested a quarter of the energy he’s spending whining to you in working to better himself and finding a job he can keep, he’d be way better off. I’m dying to know what the hell he thinks his problem is – seriously. He should spend some time in a third-world country… maybe it’d show him that people can do a lot more with a lot less. The ‘poor me’ attitude doesn’t get anyone anywhere, anywhere!

Exactly!

I spoke with him breifly last night as he called me from his dad’s phone to tell me his cell was cut off….again and he has no food. He was also ranting about how he was tired of sleeping on the couch in his dads house and wanted an apartment so bad and wanted us to be a family again (a ruse to get me to feel sorry for him and take him back, I know it!) I just was like but offered no assistance except to say "too bad". I guess he thought I would break if he whined long enough…nope

I called him out on his lack of effort to find a job and reminded him he might have to go work at a restaurant or target or something just to get money to eat at least and maybe work 2-3 jobs like that to get himself together and he keeps throwing the old "they’re just screening people not hiring now, I am registered with 4 temp agencies and none of them have work for me, they won’t hire me because I’m black/a male/ex-felon/not had a steady job in awhile/can’t type fast enough (he types 40 wpm)/insert random excuse here" and I told him you have to start from the bottom to get to the top and hung up.

Same shyt different day with him

My son and I are doing GREAT without him I am moving on up while he sits and crys…he is looking for a mommy to kiss his "boo-boos" and make it better for him instead of doing it himself….dude has issues if he won’t even take a job at target (hey, $8/hour is better than $0!)

That is all for now, just thought I’d let you all know
I did get a support check today for $157 again Too bad he is once again jobless (they let himm go last month due to "budget issues" )

no need to say what he is doing now you all already know

Thanks again all
I did get the promotion

He is still jobless and crying on the couch….today he blamed "bad directions to the office" as to why he didnt make it to the interview he had today I asked him did he call and ask them for clearer directions when he was standing in the area? he said no.

as you guessed, no support payments from him since that one in early october….

I am suprised he is still at his dads but if he wants to keep enabling his son to live this way, not my problem He must feed him too, he hasn’t asked me for any food money recently and he has managed to keep his cell on so his dad/sister must be helping him….

I still carry on with the bi-weekly visits for our son’s sake (I dont stay long, only 5 minutes to see he is ok before I run errands without them) but all he ever has to talk about are the empty promises "I will get a job and get us an apartment I want to take care of you please just give me some more time christmas is coming and I want us to celebrate in another apartment that I am going to get for us" i just and say "yes you need to get yourself an apartment soon you dont want to impose on your family much longer I know you can take care of yourself "and keep it moving…..

So I guess his family has accepted his freeloading ways and allow him to stay, I just do my part with the visits and carry on with my life.
Is there no way you can legally FORCE him to pay? Like if he does not pay they put him in jail and force him to make licence plates and give the money to you? Or reposess whatever small bit of property he has? Or fine his parents? Anything at all along those lines?

On an unrelated note I like how you use emotes in your posts… weird thing to say I know but its true.

when I write, I pick an emoticon based on what I feel the moment I am typing, but thanks for the props

Legally, yes, all options have been exhausted short of putting him in jail. In jail however, back payments will continue to accrue and since he is not working, it’s not helping me. It helps him because he no longer has to worry about a roof over his head or food as he gets his 3 cheese sandwiches a day. IMO that is too good for him I think he would actually prefer to go to jail

I know I reserve the right to lock him up at a monents notice (ironically my caseworker sent me a letter reminding me of that right not too long ago ) but that would be too easy. Not saying I want to see him suffer, but go through the school of hard knocks and face reality. If he doesn’t work he doesn’t eat especially when his family tires of taking care of him like they have been pretty much all this year. At thanksgiving, he was given one small plate while the rest of the family stuffed themselves on food. When he asked for seconds he was told by his own sister "you didnt help me make this nor pay for it like the rest of the family chipped in to make sure we all ate well so no." I think they are getting tired of him. I honestly don’t know how he is eating now, haven’t heard from him except that one voicemail left thanksgiving night from him begging me to bring him food as his family didnt feed him and "he sees how it is with them" and one text this morning "I love you and (son’s name)".

I have not seen him save for a few brief minutes about 2 weeks ago when I dropped by (with a paper bag full of canned soups/chef boyardee/etc, I was in a giving mood that day, cost me $20 at the shoppers, I was not giving him cash ) but since then I have not felt the least bit of sympathy for him….my son asks for him from time to time and I just say "not today" and he carries on with whatever. I’ll drop by again in the next week or so but not for long I dont want to hear him beg me for food

I guess my bottom line is he will never change and continues to blame everyone else for his lack of a job instead of taking whatever available. I guess he enjoys living off of other people’s handouts so more power to him, I guess. I tried begging, pleading, threatening, helping, even putting in applications/resumes for him at retail/restaurant jobs over the past year and he would get plenty of callbacks for interviews but decline them because he felt he was too good for $7 an hour or was more worried about how his paycheck would look when the support caught up with him, not taking care of his son, much less his own self…like he’s entitled to be babied for the rest of his life when it is his fault and his fault alone he is in the situation he is in. If he was smart, he’s work 2 $7 an hour jobs and be able to afford support and a room to rent and food…..but noooooo…."I made $14 an hour on my last job so I wont take nothing less" He is being completely selfish and could care less about his family…he only thinks of his wellbeing; as long as he has a roof and some semblance of food daily, not even thinking if his own kids are hungry

Even his own brother got into an argument with him over thanksgiving (From what I understand, my ex asked his bro for a few dollars for food or whatever, and bro said he honestly had no cash on him and ex was like well you can go to the ATM or we can ride to the store and pick up some food and then got angry when his bro said no once again, for good reason he owes his bro a lot of money too) and the last thing bro said to him was "well, at least I’m not homeless and at least I can take care of myself without daddy’s help" then jumped in his car and left.

What hurts me most is he tries to blame ME for his misfortune "if you loved me you would let me live with you, why can’t we be a family? It’s hurting our son I never see him, I would never let you starve, you and son eat every day, just give me a little more time I will get something soon, I want to take care of you, I want to marry you and get us a house one day (he goes on one interview in a month)..I know I’m going to get hired any day now so help me today and I will pay you back on my first check" It’s quite ironic because (hypothetically if for whatever reason I couldn’t work or get any kind of benefits) if it were up to him to feed/house us (our son and I) we probably would have died of dysentry by now He plays the guilt/pity angle HARD to try to make me feel sorry for him and take him in….since he has such good conning skills I suggested he get a job in sales but he said "I can’t live not knowing how much my check will be every payday"….I feel like he has no intentions of working again (unless his father kicks him out again which I don’t think it will happen…and even then…)

Better yet, the other week he had the NERVE to ask when I was filing my taxes (as if I would give him any of the refund!!)

sorry for the long post, I am just venting/putting into text whats on my mind, feel free to comment

All I can do is keep taking care of my son like I have been doing and keep moving on up to the eastside…already got the deluxe apartment on the 3rd floor….
Hmm interesting situation. I still might have him locked up if I was you, but then of course he would have no income at all. Still, it does not sound like he’s going to have much income anyway. Its pretty bad when you both

A) Ask for charity from someone
B) Refuse to work because you would have to give that someone a part of your paycheck, thus making the paycheck small and hurting your tender ego.

Such a hard situation… because anything that happens to him could affect your son. I would at least stop taking him groceries, let him starve if he deserves it.

Also… and I know this is dumb… could you convince him that he could start at $7/hr now and work his way up to $15+/hr? I know his ego is too bruised for that but it did cross my mind.

Also is that your son in your avatar? Cute kid!

of course that is him; I always have had my son in my AV

yep, that’s him (ex) right there…EGO. Best believe I have asked him time and time again to PLEASE take ANY job because even $200 a week is >>>>>>>$0 per week and he could at least feed himself and give his dad a few dollars out of thanks but he wont even do that

It’s ok I am not doing anything else for him

In yet another twist of karma/fate, I got a notice in the mail yesterday when I got home…the support office said they will have another payment for me within 10 business days….I guess the 2 days he worked in the past 2 weeks are now my son’s moneys

I did tell him, and he said "It’s ok I was planning on getting (our son) something with that money anyways just go ahead and get him something for christmas with that money, I go on another interview today (another temp agency ) so I will have another check soon anyways to get you something for christmas too!" then it was "so what did you want to do this weekend this is the weekend I usually see my son I want us all to go out together"

All a ruse so he gets to ride in my car, go out to eat on my dollar, go to chuck e cheese or whatever on my dollar, and act like he is "father of the year" in front of everyone when in reality, I woul dbe the one paying for the whole excursion. I planned on doing this with my son anyways, but not so he could benefit as well!!! What I do plan on doing is stopping by the house for maybe 20 minutes so he can say hi to his son and then leave to "another gathering with other family members" Just because I strongly dislike him, I will give him the chance to at least see/speak to him

Tell him all you want for Chrismas is $8000 in unpaid child support.

Also I lold at him going to Chuck E. Cheese with his kid for a free meal. It got me thinking though, I see people with kids at Peter Piper Pizza all the time, I wonder how many are in your shoes.

What kind of temp work does he do anyway?
ok tc: i didnt read through this but first off

1) if you love the guy and are willing to help him like this why not marry him.
2) Teach him how to get a job. You got a job, show him how.
3) You say be a man, but its the year 2007, maybe you want to support him and let him babysit your kid all day? (ok prolly not but…)
4) If you really do want a life together, let him move in. Simply put would you rather he wastes money just to prove hes a man on his own? or would you rather that money went towards a brighter future? You dont get any refunds on rent. Maybe you should buy a house and let him rent a room from you.

Edit : 5) if he is living with you and you are forcing him to look for work then you could help this guy, who sounds like a real loser. for the love of god dont have him locked up please. that does noone any good ever and that robs your son /daughter of a parent
You started this thread very nearly a year ago, and seemed to recognized that this bum isn’t going to change. "Tough Love" you said then, "I’ll cut him off completely", or words to that effect. Good thinking, but what ever happened to the resolve? A year later and you’re still involved with this jerk. He isn’t going to change, and you aren’t likely to ever see much child support from him… and that’s the best case scenario. As long as this guy is hanging around mooching off of you financially and emotionally, your life is "on-hold".

Get your restraining order, and stop all communications with this boy … because he’s never going to be a man. You need keep your focus on your child and your job. You seem to be doing pretty well even carrying this sack of dead weight on your skinny shoulders. Imagine how much better off both you and the child will be when this guy is completely out of the picture forever. Eventually, you’ll find yourself in a more promising relationship with someone mature and responsible. For that to happen you need to get a fresh start, and that just can’t happen as long as you haven’t completely severed this terrible mistake of your youth.

well guess what he got another temp assignment today 10 weeks in the mailroom for a company in DC with a chance to go perm

Even with this good news, I am continuing my stance on not living together…he can feed himself now based on prior assignments, I bet it won’t even go the full 10 weeks anyways

he brought up the apartment deal again, but I shot that down with the quickness. I told him get a studio in SE DC it would be closer to his job…he actually said he would do it A studio in SE runs about 500-600 a month which he can afford even with the CS taken out of his check ($15 per hour, 45 hours a week)…if he loses his job or whatever the burden will be on him to keep himself from being evicted…. well good for him I guess he is learning

At least I can expect support checks for a few more weeks (I already faxed off the info of the new agency to the support office)…merry christmas to my son and meeeeeee

what it all boils down to….actions>words for him…and me too

1) its not love at this point, it’s more "care" but even that care is on a very thin line
2/3) see above post, he did manage to get another job for now
4) NO he will NEVER live with me and I have NO intentions of EVER marrying him. I am only cordial for our son’s sake. No matter howmuch I may dislike him, he is still the father and if he wants to see him I can’t deny him that right, moneys or not.

-My only involvement has been moral support and a total of 3 bags of groceries over the last 4 months.

-a restraining order at this point is not necessary, his contact has died down to 2 brief phonecalls and maybe an email or 2 a week. He has not been to my house since the last incident. I guess the fear of arrest got into him but he has been a but more respectful of my time. The second he shows up at my home the police will be called. I made that VERY clear.

- I can never have him completely out of the picture forever; I may have chose a crappy father for our son but he is it

oh snap Incidentally, are you on good enough terms with any of his family members to politely recommend that they tell him to take a job… ANY non-temp job… and keep it for more than a week or two so that he has something of note to put on his resume?

So, he’d rather know for sure that he’s getting $0 per check than an undetermined $>0 per check?? …

Have you told him this point blank, and repeated it every time he asks for something from you?

Props to your patience! God only knows I’d have blown up at him already, and multiple times at that, were I in your shoes.

That’s the whole problem… he still is your son’s Dad. I can’t blame you for wanting him to get better if only for the sake of your son. Well although it might be fruitless lets all hope he does keep this job and sends you some money!
Update time!

The child support office called me yesterday to inform me 1) they garnished him on the new job he has so expect something in the next week and 2) they are filing for a motion to show cause hearing in the upcoming week so he will be summonsed to court to tell the judge why he can’t pay me on time!

The caseworker said more than likely he will be sentenced to jail unless he pays a purge amount of 20% of the balance due to me at the court date (which as of right now is $7,xxx so 20% is 1500)! he has to stay in jail until he or his family submits the purge amount, which I honestly don’t see happening

I didn’t press for the jailtime, DCSE did he is working a temp assignment right now but it was to end in feburary 08….he might just be locked up before that….not my problem Of course payments will accrue while he is in jail and upon release they give him x days to find a job and continue paying or its back to jail for him….

I honestly think the other mother pressed for the enforcement and DCSE decided to include my case with it, doesn’t matter to me, karma is a motha…

I’ll keep you all posted as to what happens to him…this is like a soap opera!

Son and I are doing fine without his moneys anyways; anything I do see is like a bonus to me

Happy Holidays and as always any questions welcome!

I always like coming into this thread

Happy holidays

Btw where do you live?
I know this may seem "crazy" or a "wtf" kind of question…

but why even bother anymore?
It’s obviously causing drama, wasting your time, and things are just lingering (in terms of child support).

You state that you don’t need his money, so why take it? Why not continue raising your child on your own and just living life with your son?

I mean, if I had a child and I wasn’t struggling to raise it and my dead beat loser of an ex was in the situation yours is in, I wouldn’t bother
I think it’s a shame that they are going to throw him in jail over this. He should be punished for this but going to jail does nothing at all to help the problem. It wastes taxpayer money and he can’t pay anyone anything while he’s in jail. I’d like to see some type of system where the state gives him a job that he either has to take and show up to everyday or else if he didn’t then throw him in jail. I’m sure there are lots of jail cells and bathrooms that need cleaning and other assorted tasks that he could do. Then he wouldn’t be wasting anyone else’s money and you and the other mom would be getting something from him. They could put him on house arrest for the time when he’s not working so he would still be losing most of his freedom.

Good to hear that you and your son are still doing well though

Manassas, VA (~45 minutes outside DC)

Happy Holidays to you, too!

I don’t take any money from him; the CS office sends it to me via mail.

Quite honestly, my main problem is guilt. I would feel extremely guilty if I didn’t take my son to see him; he is his dad regardless so I am tied to him indirecty whether I want to be or not Boys need their daddies I hear that all the time on TV, studies show this, etc and I dont want my son to be mad at me in the future when he asks why don’t I get to see my daddy like everyone else does

I know how easy and free I would be if I just walked into the courthouse tomorrow, filed for sole custody, and not looked back but that guilt comes into play…I dont want to be blamed by my son for "me taking his daddy from him" or whatever Maybe I watch too much drama TV

So OT what should I do? I already got the take care of my son part, I do that everyday. I am asking in terms of custody/visitation/etc (right now it’s just a brief weekly visit …you tell me

And just to clarify once again I have NO intentions of having ANY relationship with the "dad" ever again. I am only trying to do whats best for my son, nahmean

I would honestly prefer he be put on work release or force him to take a retail job or something and have like a "halfway house" type enviroment (where he has to go to work, come to a group home, have counseling on fatherhood and such and a curfew and all that and if he breaks that go to jail) but with the ways of the system that won’t happen.
~~~New Year’s update~~~

He is still holding on to his $14 an hour temp job but once again he will be let go as of Feb. 14th, at least they gave him ample warning. The CS office has gotten me one check of $270 and I should expect another in 2 weeks per them so they are on their job I continue to allow weekly visits for ~2-3 hours where I drop our son off and come back later after doing my thing and so far so good. He has not been summonsed to court yet but CS assured me it is on their agenda and he should be ordered to appear in the next 30 days, it’s just the holidays and a lot of caseworkers took off, etc. but all should be full speed ahead by next week

His father did finally do some renovating, painting, and cleaning around the house so it is decent enough and clean enough for my (our) son to spend the night if necessary. His father also informed him (and me on christmas when he pulled me to the side to chat for a moment) that he is to be out by March 1, no excuses or comebacks he has done enough. His father told me to let him fall and he does not blame me should I not get him an apartment or help him at all and suggested I let him fall, if he ends up homeless or whatever so be it, he needs to learn somehow we can’t take care of him forever and he appreciates how well I take care of his grandson and to feel free to drop by anytime he has no ill will towards me.

I haven’t given him a penny nor a bite, he has his little checks left after CS to pay for all that. He offered me money today but I told him "put it in a money order and make it payable to the babysitter and mail it to her" that way I don’t have to see him face to face unnecessarily so he can whine and sob more about his lack of a job come 2/14 and where to live, etc. I just told him save as much as you can from your checks, you will need it later!

So all in all, everything’s ok My son and I still are having a great life and want for nothing!

That’s cool, I’m glad everything is going well. Havn’t you heard that line from his family before though?

yes I have…dont you know it’s Feb. 1 tomorrow and he is still there on his dad’s couch? I am about to move into another apartment March 1 (bigger than the current one ) still at the same job (and just got an award for excellent customer service in front of the entire company ) and making moves while he is still making excuses.

Well all I have to report is that CS is not really enforcing the court like they said they would and I could go into the court house tomorrow and drag his azz in there and throw him in jail but for what? We are living life just fine and happy without his help and in the end, karma and guilt will catch up with him. I won’t waste my time anymore trying to help him, I just keep doing what I do to succeed and keep it moving!
Jesus Christ this post spans 2 years. I can’t quite possibly follow all the twists and turns. Break it down for me, if there is anything to fix, I’ll fix it. If this is just an update or just something that’s ongoing and complex, then — well you’re up shits creek.

is it just me or is this post a little hard to follow

If it’s any consolation, I highly doubt he’d flee. He’d actually have to have money to go anywhere and start a new life. He’s obviously such a huge mooch that he wouldn’t know what to do if someone else weren’t paying his rent.

edit: haha, I thought this post was from last month, not last year

Extremely.

i meant yours metallic blue. this girl’s story is pretty straightforward to follow. her deadbeat husband has been trying to leech off her, but she stays strong week in week out for herself and for her son.

she’s a strong one

This thread is so full of problems there was no way I could even respond. I see a lot of people supporting her decisions, but all I saw was enabling, redundancy, more enabling, more redundancy, then her laughing at him, him continuing to fall short and not take responsibility, then more updates, then more of the same. She’s stayed strong, fair enough, but there shouldn’t be anything to stay strong for. This man should not be in that boys life, nor hers.

Birds of a feather flock together. I’m not sure what went through this girls mind when she picked this guy to sleep with, but while she’s apparently moved further away from him and finally started saying "No" — the mockery goes on.

In the end, the boy is all that matters, but since he’s still seeing his father (The role model) that’s just doing more damage. That man does not deserve to see his song. Love is a verb, it’s not something you say. Actions talk, bullshit walks (Or apparently not, since they guy usually can’t even walk to his interviews)

These people should not be in contact. The boy should not be around that man, and this woman should have filed for sole custody and filed a restraining order. She was given plenty of good advice and acted on "some" of it, but fell short of the biggest one of all. It’s endless, I’ll leave it at that.

I don’t think it’s as cut and dry as your saying, first of all, second of all, the tone in your post is unusually judgmental, coming from METALLIC BLUE, third of all, in my opinion surviving and providing a good environment for her son is more important than permanently separating contact from her son’s father because, fourth, children can SEE when a parent sucks and the role model is often someone superior who actually fills that role when said parent sucks… the fact that his mother is the one actually capable of GIVING him support and food and toys, in contrast to his father, may in fact motivate him to be nothing like his father. Bad parents can sometimes serve excellent roles in producing great children (in situations like this one, where the child can model AGAINST the bad parent).

I don’t like what I read in this thread and it brought up very strong opinions.

I hope things work out for all parties involved.

i agree

if people are that much of a hassle, then why even deal with them and why continue to allow your child to in a deadbeats’ life
I just now saw the above comments by Metallic Blue and everyone else and agree completely

So I can stop repeating myself , I have already made an appointment to file for sole custody with the court and I go in April 18 to put in the final paperwork necessary (statement of income, living status, medical records for both of us (son and I), school records, etc) and get assigned a court date for the actual hearing, which will be sometime in May probably according to my lawyer.

Child Support….since my last post I have recieved one payment of $72. The total balance due as of right now is 8,097.60:

Payment Information
The last six (6) payments to you from all your cases:

Most Recent Payments
02/29/2008 $ 72.03
12/26/2007 $ 60.78
12/11/2007 $ 52.68
10/05/2007 $ 157.86
Balance owed on account, including current support still due for this time period, interest charges, and any debt owed to the State of Virginia: $ 8,097.60

So the CS office has been "in process with their legal team" of that court date I mentioned from MONTHS ago and have not even summonsed him to court yet. I will have my own hearing set by my lawyer on 4/18 when we all are in the courthouse together as DSS is so slow to act. They did get a lien put on him so if he files his taxes this year, I might get a few dollars out the refund, I don’t even care.

The father himself: same story as before, a temp assignment for a day or 2 here or there, still on his dad’s couch. no change there. My son and I have not been to see him for almost 2 months now. I let him call him a few times but other than that I have not physically been over there. He still calls to ask for food/airtime for his phone/etc but I say the same stock response "I don’t have it" and keep it moving. the calls from him have dwindled to maybe 2x a month, he still sends texts on occasion saying "I love you and (son’s name)" , "I want us to be a family, give me another chance" but I don’t respond.

Son’s doing GREAT and so am I and we want for nothing so I guess that’s about it

As far as what I plan to do legally goes, like mentioned I am filing for sole custody and will allow visitation, but I will make it so HE has to have him where HE is at so he has no excuse to come into MY house. I don’t want him there point-blank. And even that visitation will be on HIM, if he doesn’t come pick up his son, no care from me, I am leaving that option open but if he doesn’t take it out of spite or whatever, oh well

ANy other questions or whatever, PM or post up
Oh yeah, and MB, my "father[bio-dad, I have a stepdad who IS my real dad IMO]" was a deadbeat too yet I still got to see him as a child and was able to form my own opinion of him. I do thank my mom for allowing me to see him (the 4 times he actually came through from the time I was 2 to about 6 when he dropped off the face of the earth completely) even though she hated him for not helping her out with me and my brother

Oh and my bio-dad is JUST NOW paying my mom the CS for myself and my brother…and I’m 28 Can’t hide forever

This thread won’t end until I can post up pics showing I have full legal custody of my son, I realize this started in December 06
And we are on the 1st floor instead of 3rd….newer nicer apartment (I am in Hoodbridge now ) FTW

ok Tia, back to work

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