Trying to work things out with my ex-gf *long*
I had a really decent relationship with a girl here on campus. I moved away to come to school and instantly hit it off with her, everything worked out decently well and we spent a ton of time together…almost too fast. She ended up coming up to visit me at home off and on over the course of our 4 month relationship and once she surprised me during a work-heavy week, by coming a few days earlier then I had expected. Normally I would be thrilled but my work was overwhelming and I was a little overwhelmed with her coming through earlier then expected, even though I was kinda happy about seeing her. When we came back, she stayed here a lot of the time at night for the last month or two of our relationship and threw some bags in my room. I loved staying with her, but when I came out of that work heavy week, it was a little much. I left my myspace open, and a girl was constantly hitting me up on it…I called her cute but nothing more and that was only in response to what she was writing. I ended the conversation shortly after, I was flirting a bit for fun but it was nothing more and I never wanted it to be anything more. She saw it and was incredibly hurt…but when she approached me I snapped for her going through my shit and it escalated into a huge ordeal. I ended it by yelling (I have a temper which rarely comes out) for her to take her shit and leave. She did, crying, with her best friend helping her. I felt horrible after, and laying in my bed at 4am, she left me a note saying something along the lines of "some things in life are priceless and worth pursuit" (much smoother i don’t specifically remember the wording but it made more sense lol). Regardless, I made things up with her a few days later because I felt terribly guilty. She came at me saying she was just bored before class and would never look through my shit, but didn’t realize I left it signed in, and wished she never saw it still to this day because things would be alright.
So…over the course of a few weeks we built things up to some affection, and her and I agreed we went too fast into a relationship and we should take things slower. So we just had fun, good times, no staying over and not nearly as much sex (maybe once or twice in 3 weeks). On V-day, I took her out and we had a great night, and her and I had good lovin’ after I asked her to stay over but she said she wasn’t ready mentally. Then on the next day, she broke down to me and said she wanted to pursue things, but she had an inner instinct saying to her that she was an idiot for coming right back after I hurt her so bad. I admitted I did overreact, and we talked about things, but since then we’ve been in this rut of nothing.
What kills me is, I’m trying to do everything I can to win her over without being insane or "not me." Her best friend told me I am doing a good job and we will probably get back together from her observation during a conversation we had (we’re mutual friends) and to just let her breathe. But it’s hard, because I’m giving all I got and getting little affection in return. We have ups and downs, but she’s a wall when it comes to affection and whenever I tell how much I miss her or how much I care about her, she says she knows and she thinks about me often at best, but sometimes she avoids responding. I don’t understand what to do…and last weekend I had a little emotional breakdown from the long road with little progress. I’m a strong guy, been through a fair amount with women, but she’s a catch and a half to me. She knew how much I was hurting and I asked her "if on NYE’s you said you loved me…what does that mean now?" and she replied with "I didn’t know you heard me…you just looked at me (I didn’t know how to reply, I wasn’t ready to say it yet) . But it means I love you and always will love you regardless." The next day she did one of those girlie things, and gave me a little toy that she said signified her, and she said she had one that was me, and til things got fixed, just put it my room and just remember I’m always thinking about you. It’s real gay, I know…but I kinda took that well considering she’s trying to make me feel better. On my birthday a few days ago she was incredibly nice, and said since she’s short on money, she wants to make a collage of pictures of us. So it’s like, ups and downs just because of her insecurity of coming back into something with me.
I just lose my mind when I’m waiting for her to come around, throwing a compliment or two her way and having her just say "come on, stop" in that joking manner I can’t get an idea from…she’s not mad about me doing it but she kinda avoids it. When I confronted her about it asking her what was on her mind when I’d say that shit she didn’t say much.
What I’ve figured out is her main reason for being weary of me is she’s basically waiting around til I go back home for summer to know if I’m going to break her heart or not. She feels since things got fucked up when I went home for 5 weeks, she feels summer is going to be the testing grounds. So..I have break in a few days for a week and some. I plan on calling her and giving her the time she needs, but it’s hard to make it to there to have no guarantee she’s going to even bend over it. I know she is kinda waiting for break to get a breather from all this shit between us. And of all the negative shit I wrote about, her and I are certainly a happy couple, we still hang out every day and catch dinner together at the least. She always comes by to say good night as well. So it’s not like the flame is dead…she’s told me she still finds me attractive. It’s just breaking that wall of her insecurity…I feel like the right things to do is to wait and stop taking things so seriously since she obviously feels for me…but she’s a best friend as well as a girlfriend to me and it’s difficult to have ups and downs like this without security. I just want her to come around, since she’s a great catch. They say if you love something, let it go and if it comes back they love you too…so I’m waiting for the break of a week and a half to give her that time away from me, minus the nightly phone call to let her know I care. If things don’t progress when I get back from break, I think I am going to have to give her some sort of ultimatum…it’ll kill me if she leaves me, but this isn’t good for me waiting around for someone.
Also, just to throw it out there, I am extremely confident there is no one else involved with her. I’m hoping someone will have another approach I can take or just some advice for dealing with the situation…or even if someone’s been there done that. I really care about this girl, and hope we can work things out because being happy for us isn’t far.
What you need to do is to go back to the root of the problem, and that is to go back to the event that occured on that day.
You have this problem of her not trusting you, talk to her about it, and tell what really happend on that day and how incredibly tired you were, and didn’t mean a thing what you said, and for her to please give you another chance to emotionally love eachother, because she has shut herself out. Most woman can talk about emotions, i would give it a try anyway because i still think that what happend on that day needs to be fixed even more.
That’s solid advice, I’ve taken that approach and explained to her what happened from my POV. When I ask her why she doesn’t trust me, she says she is trying her best and her head is a mess (double major in college plus works weekends). Plus she has mentioned to me things are alright now, as in when I’m here living on campus with her, but she’s scared when I go back to home things will be different. That’s why I wonder if spring break will be a testing ground for how I will handle the situation, and I’ve joked with her that "i’ll be the one blowing you up constantly this time" and even today mentioned to her over summer I was planning on taking a weekend off of work to come down, and I was going to find a place to stay so she wouldn’t have to worry about not seeing me for long periods of time. Plus on her bday I am planning on getting her a cheap flight up to me for later in summer. So I think I’m going to stress I am setting the right precedent for a little distance.
She once mentioned "I know it’ll be ok now, but what about in 6 months from now when things are "normal" again and you’re not worried?" and my reply for that is mainly that my feeiings are always growing for her and it’s not ever going to be back to the way it was because my feelings are constantly developing for her.
Other things she has mentioned are "my last two boyfriends did that to me and I took them back, then they ditched me" in which I replied her last boyfriends aren’t me, and I would never abuse her like her last did, and I would never cheat on her like the other before him did. She says she believes and trusts me more then the others, but it’s still not easy to come back to me still. I know she has deep feelings for me, it’s just trying to get her to overcome shit that’s seemingly impossible…maybe I just need to follow my intuitions and wait til break to prove to her when i go home I still mean what I say I mean?