Am I asking too much?

I have led a pretty happy normal life. Can’t complain too much, except for when it comes to relationships. I always seem to wind up with the cheaters, the psychos, and let’s not forget the married men. I know what everyone is going to say "your not looking in the right places." Seriously, i’m never looking. Even with work, I have always had something lined up, just like guys. I always take things slow with them and try and build a friendship first. If they stick around and I see that they are cool to hang around then I date them. It’s the psychos that always get you though, they don’t show their true colors till way later is what I have noticed. I’m attractive, intelligent, have my shit together, and I know where i’m headed in life. This is what I need in a man.

A. I have to be attracted to them.
B. They have to have their own mode of transportation.
C. They have to have their finances in order. (good job)
D. If not, i’ll take someone in school who is trying to get a good job.
E. Mid 20s-Early 30s
F. Has to like and want kids
G. Not an ass-hole
H. Takes me for what I am worth and treats me with respect.

Guy that fits this criteria where are you???

I have led a pretty happy normal life. Can’t complain too much, except for when it comes to relationships. I always seem to wind up with the cheaters, the psychos, and let’s not forget the married men. I know what everyone is going to say "your not looking in the right places." Seriously, i’m never looking. Even with work, I have always had something lined up, just like guys. I always take things slow with them and try and build a friendship first. If they stick around and I see that they are cool to hang around then I date them. It’s the psychos that always get you though, they don’t show their true colors till way later is what I have noticed. I’m attractive, intelligent, have my shit together, and I know where i’m headed in life. This is what I need in a man.

A. I have to be attracted to them.
B. They have to have their own mode of transportation.
C. They have to have their finances in order. (good job)
D. If not, i’ll take someone in school who is trying to get a good job.
E. Mid 20s-Early 30s
F. Has to like and want kids
G. Not an ass-hole
H. Takes me for what I am worth and treats me with respect.

Guy that fits this criteria where are you???

nowhere! you just need to settle!

honestly, "A" is the most important. the guy can have all those other qualities, but if they don’t have "A" it won’t matter. then again, they may only have "A" going for them and you still may give them a chance (which is where those cheaters, psychos, marriend men come into play).

if those are the only type of guys you end up with, then it may be you. either those other qualities are not that important to you or you think you can change the guy to have those qualities. if they were that important you’d cut them loose once they don’t fit the criteria.

if you do, then and, um, keep looking, they are out there, i think.
I would actually like to chime in here:

A.) Awesome! Glad you put this first. Most people will tell you "oh, he doesn’t have to look good, I’ll give him a chance." BS! I know one thing for sure, if I am not attracted to a girl right from the start, I won’t bother. I’m glad to see a girl pretty much say the same thing.

B.) LOL, nice! I don’t blame you one bit there. Most of those who don’t.. well, frankly, girls see them as losers.

C.) Finances in order, check. Define good job. You want them to be a doctor, lawyer, business owner? Or would you be set with someone who has been around their current job for many years and make anywhere in the 50-80K range? If you are going for the high paying ones, might want to set your standards a little lower and not worry about what one makes. There are some great people out there who don’t need these kind of jobs to make themselves and others around them happy.

D.) Glad to hear this, but keep in mind that the younger ones will probably still want to party a lot.

E.) Not a bad age range. How old are you again?

F.) I wouldn’t push this issue with a guy right off the bat

G.) LOL, nice. So you want a "nice guy"? Haha

H.) We all want this, men and women alike.

I would also like to add, while being friends with someone first is a good thing, most normal guys don’t want this. A guy that is interested in you, does not want to be a guy who is a friend listening to you tell him what other guy you are going out with, dating, etc. It’s a turn off. A guy will want to date you first, and develop the friendship while in the dating stage.
Looking for the same thing in a female but alas no luck so far but I keep trying.

.

Too many whores and psycho’s out there.
I know how you feel. I’m the guy about whom everyone asks "how can he have such bad luck with women/be consistently unsuccessful? Oh, I know, he must be gay." It’s tough feeling like you have everything together but seeing everyone around you have much more success in relationships
Clarifying a few things:

Im not looking for a doctor or lawyer just someone who makes enough to support themselves and have decent credit. Im not trying to change a shitty guy into a good guy. If he is shitty he can stay that way and I don’t need to be with him, I do cut them loose if they don’t fit the criteria. I have thought of maybe it is me. If so WTF, do I have a neon sign that says "Bums im available"??? I am 23, and yes, I do have a child. Any guy who is not ok with me having a child does not deserve my time, and I am well worth with. Also, I am in Houston.

G. Not an ass-hole
H. Takes me for what I am worth and treats me with respect.

Women always say this. What you want and what you "think" you want is a whole other story. If nobody wants an asshole then why are there so many assholes out there? The men have become something women want and attract to. Who want to be an asshole for the sake of being an asshole?
I think most guys are just thrown off by single mothers. Not many guys that you describe will be willing to get involved with a woman knowing it is an "instant family".

But there are guys out there that are cool with it so you always have hope.

I’ve always believed that attraction is not a choice, and guys that are assholes or bums just are good at displaying the traits that women are most attracted to. Nice guys or guys that fit your criteria are usually less experienced at talking to women and have less confidence in attracting women, which is why women usually find themselves falling for the "bad boy" losers. Not to mention nice guys are usually boring to women which is not what a woman wants.
The problem isn’t with you its just the fact that you attract and or are attracted to the wrong types of guys. What can you do about it? Not much you just have to keep trying and weed through the guys you don’t want. Eventually you’ll run into one you want but don’t expect it to happen tomorrow. I’ve been in the same boat for a while and I get down about it sometimes myself but in the end I stand up dust myself off and just live my life and try again.

I’ll admit it. Right now I’m lonely as hell but I’ve also got a ton of things that are currently more important like buying a house and moving out. So thats my top priority right now. All I’m trying to say is that focus on the important things in your life and the right relationship will come along so long as you are open to it.
I mean this with no disrespect.

I’ve learned from my experiences that 100% of the time when a woman tells you what she wants, she means the exact opposite.
Oh I forgot… another theory I have is what I call the "Soap Opera" theory. A lot of women love watching soap operas and most men hate it. (At least that is what I remember about them growing up)

I always tried to figure out why women love soap operas so much that I came up with a theory that women just are attracted to drama because it arouses thier emotions and makes them feel alive. I think that women subconsciously want drama in thier lives like the drama that is seen in soap operas so they become attracted to unstable losers that will undoubtedly bring a level of drama into thier lives.

You can flame me for this but it is just a theory and isn’t fact.

Oh I forgot… another theory I have is what I call the "Soap Opera" theory. A lot of women love watching soap operas and most men hate it. (At least that is what I remember about them growing up)

I always tried to figure out why women love soap operas so much that I came up with a theory that women just are attracted to drama because it arouses thier emotions and makes them feel alive. I think that women subconsciously want drama in thier lives like the drama that is seen in soap operas so they become attracted to unstable losers that will undoubtedly bring a level of drama into thier lives.

You can flame me for this but it is just a theory and isn’t fact.

No, I have that same theory. But its not just women, some people have lived with drama their entire lives and can’t seem to live without it. If everything is going right in their lives and seems unsettling so they create drama for themselves. Its called self sabotage.

I mean this with no disrespect.

I’ve learned from my experiences that 100% of the time when a woman tells you what she wants, she means the exact opposite.

Trust me when I say I don’t want the exact opposite of what I have listed above.

Clarifying a few things:

Im not looking for a doctor or lawyer just someone who makes enough to support themselves and have decent credit. Im not trying to change a shitty guy into a good guy. If he is shitty he can stay that way and I don’t need to be with him, I do cut them loose if they don’t fit the criteria. I have thought of maybe it is me. If so WTF, do I have a neon sign that says "Bums im available"??? I am 23, and yes, I do have a child. Any guy who is not ok with me having a child does not deserve my time, and I am well worth with. Also, I am in Houston.

that may very well be it. as you can see, the type of guy you’re looking for is "rare" and a highly valued commodity. just like the beautiful woman that has her pick of men, this type of guy has the same priviledge. therefore, why go for you when he can go for another woman who has the same to offer in the way of looks, personality, and stability, but without a child?

no need to fret though, if you are everything you say you are, a guy will come along that has the qualities you seek and will have no issue with you having a child.

that may very well be it. as you can see, the type of guy you’re looking for is "rare" and a highly valued commodity. just like the beautiful woman that has her pick of men, this type of guy has the same priviledge. therefore, why go for you when he can go for another woman who has the same to offer in the way of looks, personality, and stability, but without a child?

no need to fret though, if you are everything you say you are, a guy will come along that has the qualities you seek and will have no issue with you having a child.

I have to agree. Just from personal experience with men and from threads posted on this forum, a lot of men don’t want to date a woman with a child already. You’re also somewhat young, so the age range of men you’re looking at is going to be looking for someone a bit older sans child.

I also agree that if you match up with your own criteria, it’ll happen eventually Have faith.

of course

A. I have to be attracted to them.
B. They have to have their own mode of transportation.
C. They have to have their finances in order. (good job)
D. If not, i’ll take someone in school who is trying to get a good job.
E. Mid 20s-Early 30s
F. Has to like and want kids
G. Not an ass-hole
H. Takes me for what I am worth and treats me with respect.

Guy that fits this criteria where are you???

Seems like normal standards, don’t want to know what you accepted before that. Just curious you go to school right? I would assume so since you are looking for someone in school or good job.
I’d have to say *most* young, successful guys don’t want to be going out with a chick that has a child.
It may be one or several of these reasons.

1. There may be something about your personality that is attracting these types of guys. Some of these guys strategically pick their victims.

2. I’m assuming that you want a long term, serious relationship that have the potential for marriage. Having a child is going to be a con for you. Because of that, I think you are a lot more likely to find what you’re looking for if you date older men who are at least in their late twenties. They will fit your criteria more and you’ll be more compatible with them. You sound pretty mature w/a good head on your shoulders for your age..most men your age are still BSing around or they aren’t ready to fullly commit/settle down. Older men are also more willing and able to accept a child that is not biologically his.

3. Have you tried internet dating? You said that you’re never looking. That may be the problem..it’s time to start looking and the net is not a bad place. I know many people who met their mate through the net.

4. Your preferences are reasonable but don’t limit your options and keep an open mnd too. I never thought I’d date my bf due to a few things about him but in the end, I am so glad that I gave it a chance. You never know where you may find love.

i rarely give advice to females but i’ve seen this happen a lot

you may be getting your prospective boyfriends together with your child too soon

yes, we understand you are a package deal, but many guys are weirded out by having your child forced on them

wouldn’t it be better to get to know him 1-on-1 then if it looks a relationship is evolving, introduce the child into the equation?

the desperate weirdos will have no problem "playing daddy" from the get-go (and may even relish it), but the best candidates are going to be uncomfortable at best in that situation

i rarely give advice to females but i’ve seen this happen a lot

you may be getting your prospective boyfriends together with your child too soon

yes, we understand you are a package deal, but many guys are weirded out by having your child forced on them

wouldn’t it be better to get to know him 1-on-1 then if it looks a relationship is evolving, introduce the child into the equation?

the desperate weirdos will have no problem "playing daddy" from the get-go (and may even relish it), but the best candidates are going to be uncomfortable at best in that situation

If I were a single mom, it would be crucial for me to know early on if he truly is open to having a long term relationship with a single mother and can accept my child. I wouldn’t want to waste my time with someone who is just in it for the ride. I wouldn’t hide my child from him but I also wouldn’t allow my child to establish a relationship with a boyfriend unless we’ve been committed and stable for at least a couple of months. It’s not a good idea if you aren’t sure about the direction of the relationship. It’ll be hard on the child if a strong bond is formed and the relationship ends. And YES..it can scare a guy off if you expect him to play daddy from the get go.

So what is it about you that’s attracting them. Can’t change them, right — so what are you doing or not doing that’s allowing them to creep into your life?

I know what everyone is going to say "your not looking in the right places." Seriously, i’m never looking.

Maybe that’s your problem, maybe you ought to be selecting a pick from the pack rather than letting them come along to you. Maybe you ought to find a good guy in a good environment, rather than through the typical places where you’ve been meeting these others.

Even with work, I have always had something lined up, just like guys. I always take things slow with them and try and build a friendship first. If they stick around and I see that they are cool to hang around then I date them.

Even the losers show signs, red flags are everywhere, just like with women. Alcoholic past or present/family with alcholics or addiction problems, psychiatric problems/psychological, cheated in past, arrogant, rude, gossips, needy, overly-possessive, easily irritated, talks about ex a lot, had an abusive relationship with an ex (or was abused by ex), talks about ex immediately upon the first few meetings, seems "too" good to be true inspite of his "poor me, I was a victim but I have overcome" past. Abused as a child, has drug problems (or did), has been to prison, or been arrested more than once. Has DUI’s, overly aggressive in courting you/getting to bed, claims to be a "nice guy" off-topic without you having said so first. Confuses you, Only talks about himself, Poor listener, slick talking/too nice — tries to do a lot of favors, tries to buy you and spends more than you know he should, racist, liars, treats women like objects, or talks about them as objects. Makes you pay for him on first date, doesn’t consider splitting the bill at least. Always wants to drive whereever you go. Get’s angry with other people a lot, has a temper (maybe not with you right away).

These are some red flags, some are directly aimed at you or affect you, some seem harmless but really are signs of a cracking foundation. There are hundreds more. Having one, two or even more of these qualities doesn’t make someone a loser, it’s more about the context. If you see the red flags but "feel" something could go wrong or is — ditch them.

It’s the psychos that always get you though, they don’t show their true colors till way later is what I have noticed. I’m attractive, intelligent, have my shit together, and I know where i’m headed in life. This is what I need in a man.

Now all you have to do is pick those qualities while excluding those with the intolerable red flags. What is intolerable to one person isn’t that bad to someone else, so you have to decide where you stand. Sitting on the fence is a waste of your time.

A. I have to be attracted to them.
B. They have to have their own mode of transportation.
C. They have to have their finances in order. (good job)
D. If not, i’ll take someone in school who is trying to get a good job.
E. Mid 20s-Early 30s
F. Has to like and want kids
G. Not an ass-hole
H. Takes me for what I am worth and treats me with respect.

Guy that fits this criteria where are you???

Uh, those sort of seem really obvious, they don’t even need to be said. You need to start choosing, instead of leaving the control in the hands of those who come to you. Start looking for fault lines, keep your guard up. If someone hits one of the "big" red flags you’ve designated, you know what to do.

It may be one or several of these reasons.

1. There may be something about your personality that is attracting these types of guys. Some of these guys strategically pick their victims.

2. I’m assuming that you want a long term, serious relationship that have the potential for marriage. Having a child is going to be a con for you. Because of that, I think you are a lot more likely to find what you’re looking for if you date older men who are at least in their late twenties. They will fit your criteria more and you’ll be more compatible with them. You sound pretty mature w/a good head on your shoulders for your age..most men your age are still BSing around or they aren’t ready to fullly commit/settle down. Older men are also more willing and able to accept a child that is not biologically his.

3. Have you tried internet dating? You said that you’re never looking. That may be the problem..it’s time to start looking and the net is not a bad place. I know many people who met their mate through the net.

4. Your preferences are reasonable but don’t limit your options and keep an open mnd too. I never thought I’d date my bf due to a few things about him but in the end, I am so glad that I gave it a chance. You never know where you may find love.

I actually took some initiative and gave my number to a jui jitsu instructor. I’ve never just given out my number like that. I’ve always been asked.

i rarely give advice to females but i’ve seen this happen a lot

you may be getting your prospective boyfriends together with your child too soon

yes, we understand you are a package deal, but many guys are weirded out by having your child forced on them

wouldn’t it be better to get to know him 1-on-1 then if it looks a relationship is evolving, introduce the child into the equation?

the desperate weirdos will have no problem "playing daddy" from the get-go (and may even relish it), but the best candidates are going to be uncomfortable at best in that situation

actually I’m not bringing my child around anyone I’m not super serious with. Granted they know I have a child but unless were serious about each other I don’t want them around my child. I don’t need my son seeing all the men that come in and out of my life.

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