My Mind Is Fucked *Long Read*

To the start this all off, I know almost all of this (if not all) should NOT bother me. I realize that for the most part, these things are insignificant. I know full well that if I hope to ever have a successful relationship, I need to get over these types of things. My problem is not realizing that I need to change my way of thinking, but actually figuring out something to help me with that much, much needed change.

In June of this summer I started to get to know my now ex-girlfriend. Up until June, I had kissed two girls for a grand total of about 10 seconds. I had held hands with a girl for one awkwardly long walk. That’s it. That was my complete dating history up until that point. No real girlfriends, no experience, nothing at all. (By the way, I was 19 in June)

My first problem is that I essentially compare myself to the guy she had recently broken up with when we started dating. He was just a complete douche-bag, constantly lied to her, hit on other girls, just one of those guys that everyone pretends to like but no one would care if they never saw him again. Now, I would like to think of myself as a wonderful upgrade, but I can’t help but give way to the thought of "if she would date him, who wouldn’t she date?" That isn’t quite coming out right, but hopefully someone gets my point. (If not, I’ll try to clarify later..)

I realize that this is such a dumb thing to be paranoid about, but it still gets to me. If I had made a poor decision in dating someone, I wouldn’t have any problem to tell my S/O to forget it and that they had no right to judge me on who I had dated in the past, etc. Hypocrite much? Ha.

Another thing…again relating to her ex. For whatever reason, my mind just wonders. It’s something I’ve had trouble with, but being in a relationship has made it much worse. I find myself thinking about her and her ex’s (being intimate. Although she was a virgin when we started dating, they still did everything except for actual sex). I don’t find it hot or as a fetish or anything like that, if anything it makes me sick to my stomach.

While this is concerning by its self, I know it will probably only be worsened with anyone else I ever date. She was a virgin when we started dating, so to have these kind of thoughts while dating a virgin….I can’t imagine what my mind is going to do when I date someone who has had multiple partners. In my mind I see nothing wrong with having multiple partners and I certainly don’t think it’s wrong to be having sex with your S/O. Yet again, it would probably just make me angry if my S/O had a problem with me having sex before her. (It would be wonderful if I weren’t such a hypocrite, eh?) Also, I think I would prefer to be with someone who’s had more experience, which simply doesn’t make sense when compared with what I just said.

There are so many more instances like this, but it would be a bit redundant to list them all. Most of them involve her either doing nothing wrong (such as my last example) or her doing something wrong and me holding it against her no matter what she does.

On a side note: I struggled with depression when I was 14~16. I was on a wide variety of pills and went to see many different doctors. Amongst all of that, I still spent 3~4 weeks in psychiatric hospitals. But since the conclusion of my junior year in high school (I’m a junior in college now) I’ve been gradually getting better. I haven’t been on any medication since I was 16 (now 20) and I haven’t spent any more time in the hospital or anything like that at all. This summer when I met her, I was the happiest I had ever been, but now, with my mind doing the things I’ve described here, I’ve gradually started to become depressed again and for the most part, I’ve driven away the one thing that’s been able to make me a happy person since my original depression started.

I don’t know whether or not I should try seeing another psychiatrist, but when I was seeing them a few years ago, I believe that they probably made me worse off. I was always quiet in the sessions, so the psychiatrist usually spent most of the time talking, which lead to them pointing out things that I hadn’t necessarily noticed. This often lead me to come out of the sessions like "Oh. Fuck. I’m worse off then I thought!" I am much more mature now, but as insecure as ever….so I don’t know if they would actually prove to be beneficial or if the past would simply recreate its self.

And to reiterate one last time. I know these things are petty. I know these things are not my concern. I know I am an incredible hypocrite. I know I am insecure. But I also know that because of my mind working the way it has been working, I’ve driven off the one thing that actually made me happy.
i’m sorry i only read about half way through, but pertaining to the wondering about the other girls she’s been with and what not, i use to be that way, same situation first girlfriend was a virgin but i still was bothered by the minor things she did with ex’s. however i can tell you that after my second girlfriend, i don’t think about any of those things anymore, i don’t know if its age or expierence or both, i’d say wait it out and see what happens. if it persists long enough, sure maybe therapy is in order. but i really don’t think therapy is the cure to all things.

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