End of the road v.4.5-year relationship

Last night, my girlfriend and I decided to call it quits. It was probably the toughest decision I’ve made. Funny how you picture yourself with someone and suddenly it’s over. God damn, I don’t even know where to begin now. My life is so routine with 2 jobs that making a lifestyle change is going to be difficult right away. I mean, 4.5 years…fuck. I’ve already began moving my stuff out of our apartment, which I will terminiate the lease, fees or not. This wasn’t a messy breakup, it was very mutual and I truly hope we can become friends. We’d probably make better friends than partners anyway because there were some things about her that irritated me to no end. But, it’s gonna take a lot of time. I’m a pretty emotional guy and this has just been a wrecking ball. I’m affectionate, she is not. I never knew how much affection meant to me until I didn’t really have it. I realize we’ve both been in denial a long time. So, I’m relieved in a way that it’s over, but I’m soooooo depressed because we had built so much together. We really had a great time for a few years. I’m trying to keep positive, but it’s hard.

wow well that sucks.

good luck moving forward
Elaborate on the affection issue and you both being in denial.

I know how you feel man. I was in the same situation (4.5 years for us too) about 2.5 years ago. It wasnt a messy break up for me and the ex either, but dont tell yourself it doesnt hurt just because it was a ‘clean break’. I’m not saying you’re doing this right now, but sometimes its easy to say "well, there was no cheating/lying/huge issue so I cant really be upset." Bullshit, be upset if you need to be and greive, fuck, you spent a long time together, but remember that you have to move past that eventually too. You’re doing the right thing by trying to stay positive, just keep that in mind when the times get rough (sometimes I think a few weeks after the break up is harder than the time right after it…).

She wasn’t a hugger or a kisser, not really a "rubber", didn’t like to cuddle much because i made her "hot" (I’ve very warm natured). The only thing she really liked was for her hand to be held. I’m touchy. I’d kiss the back of her neck just because I passed her, I’d brush her shoulder with my hands, hold her by her hips, etc. No one in her family is affectionate either. I like to be touched. It makes me feel cared for/loved.

As far as being in denial, we both kind of covered up that we were unhappy. No one wanted to admit it, but then we moved in together and it really became apparent. Didn’t want to help eachother out, I was always going to do my own thing, she did hers. I thought I was willing to overlook things about her that irritated me, but it got worse and worse. The worse it got, the more I tried to compensate.

She’s a great girl. I want to see her happy and successful and she wants the same for me. We just finally said it to eachother that we wanted different things.

I’m 26, she’s 31.

(sometimes I think a few weeks after the break up is harder than the time right after it…).

you’re right. and i’m dreading it horribly.

But at least you know its coming, so you can do something about it. If you just need to chill out now, do it, but in ~2 weeks, you should plan to be doing something. Have a party, go to the zoo, get tickets to a game, join a knitting circle – anything! I dont think it’ll make it compleately go away, but it’ll probably help. I really wish I had done this, but instead I was moving back in with my parents and had no job…..it just made it all suck a little bit more.
Keep busy, like everyone says. It has always helped me during breakups. Like Elphaba says plan a party or something a couple of weeks out so you have something to look forward to. Or take up a new hobby..join a soccer team or something just so you have scheduled things to do.

i’m going to spend MUCH more time on my photography. I race bicycles and that takes up a ton of time. You’re both right though, I gotta plan something…
Fuck. I’m lonely. Kinda just hit me I won’t talk to her on a daily basis anymore. I used to call her, chit chat, we’d go out to lunch…but not anymore.
I know exactly how you feel. Got out of a 4 year relationship about a year ago. My best advice for you is to not to rush the whole "friendship" thing.
Glad it was a civil, mutual breakup. I had one of those once and it was really nice just because it was solely a rebuilding process of my life…not a big old emotional mess as much; I was more positive and we ended up being friends later.

Just realize it will take a while to not feel lonely at night or learn to do things for yourself, etc.

fuck man I had the same wall happen today. been 2 weeks exactly. down to the hour prolly. it’ll pass. the memories are there just gotta find the right ones for your emotional need…

I think thats a big part of what I was trying to say. If you have something to look forward to…you’re moving forward! Even if its just a nice dinner out with friends or treating yourself to a new pair of shoes (ok, so since you’re a guy that might be different, but you get the idea)

I won’t. She probably won’t either. I’m sure we both know it’s not going to help, at all, at this point anyway. We spoke last night and we both wish there was some way to stay together, but there’s really no reason. Our lives are so intertwined, we have the same friends and her family is like my family. We both race bicycles and it’s inevitable that we’ll run into eachother over and over.

Glad it was a civil, mutual breakup. I had one of those once and it was really nice just because it was solely a rebuilding process of my life…not a big old emotional mess as much; I was more positive and we ended up being friends later.

Just realize it will take a while to not feel lonely at night or learn to do things for yourself, etc.

Honestly, I wish she was being a total bitch about this because it would make it so much easier to hate her. But, she’s not. Neither of us is being an asshole. There’s no reason for that. You’re right, I have a lot of rebuilding to do. I want her to be successful and it upsets me to know I won’t be there to see it and tell her I’m proud of her. We’ve changed eachother an incredible amount. She’s made me 100x stronger than I ever thought I’d be. She says she would have never gone back to school without my encouragement. She’s a very talented writer. She has incredible perception and a beautiful way with words.

As far as being lonely, I’ve been lonely for a few months now. Void of emotion and compainionship. I thought that was hard, but this is waaaaaaay more difficult. We talked/cried last night over the phone and tried to see a way to make things work, but I really don’t see it happening. My emotions say "yes" my gut says "no." There’s a Tool song that describes this so perfectly:

"I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,
And considerately killing me."

I feel emotionally, spiritually, grammatically ( wtf, ), connected to her. But it was killing me to be close to her because I know she wasn’t "close" to me.

The entire song "Schism" fits too:

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

There are fundamental things between us that we will never agree on. I know that, she knows that. It’s hard as fuck not to let emotions overrun the truth and stick to my guns. I’ve got to get more stuff out this weekend, so I’m obviously going to see her and I just want to hug her one more time and run my fingers through her hair and kiss her forehead. I do care for her deeply. It’s going to be extremely difficult to walk away.

Went out with some friends last night and we’re going to see a Nashville Predators game and probably go to a strip club. I don’t care for the clubs much, but it’s just time with the guys. That’s something I’m really looking forward to.

I went back to my parents’ house last night and the first thing I saw was a picture of the both of us during a vacation…We were so happy… I saved up during an entire summer and took us to Seattle and Vancouver. It was a great trip.
I was involved with my ex-husband for 10 yrs (married for 7 of them). We had the same problem, I was the affectionate one and he was not. This was one of the biggest reasons our marriage failed because I didn’t "feel" like he loved me and when he said he did it had no meaning to me because his actions did not show it.

When we decided to get a divorce (non-contested), it was like a hugh burden lifted off my shoulders in the beginning. You know it was really hard at first to get used to not having him around…actually I think the first thing I did was run through my apartment and turn every light on (because he used to hate that). After about two weeks, I realized that what I really missed was the "habit" of having him there. We did have some good times in the beginning of our relationship and these are the memories that I share with our kid’s, however, there was more bad then good. It took a few months for me to evaluate myself and examine my 10 yr relationship. What actually helped me was I made a list of the things that I really liked and dislike about myself, him, and our relationship. Then I figured out what I would and would not tolerate in a relationship and set boundaries for myself. Doing this kept me pretty busy in my spare time and I started to miss him a little less everyday.

However, this actually helped me too, because I have since stuck to my boundaries and did not bend on any of my standards. Three years after my divorce I ran into the most incredible guy I have ever known. He meets all my standards and I have met all of his. I could not be happier.

All I can say is now is the time for you to work on "you". Who you are and what type of SO you "need/want" in your life. In the mean time date a lot and , as others have said, keep yourself busy. The loneliness will fade in time, especially when you can learn to truly be happy with and by yourself.

You’ve got to put every picture and everything from her, etc. away and out of sight for a while until you’re over it.

What actually helped me was I made a list of the things that I really liked and dislike about myself, him, and our relationship. Then I figured out what I would and would not tolerate in a relationship and set boundaries for myself. Doing this kept me pretty busy in my spare time and I started to miss him a little less everyday.

All I can say is now is the time for you to work on "you". Who you are and what type of SO you "need/want" in your life. In the mean time date a lot and , as others have said, keep yourself busy. The loneliness will fade in time, especially when you can learn to truly be happy with and by yourself.

Funny that you say this, as I was just making a mental list of what did not work in our relationship. Those were the fundamentals that would eventually blow out the candle. We’re compatible about 90%, but those other 10% of things were the things that weighed the most. It’s a hard motherfucking fact of life. But, one that I just didn’t want to face. Now I just have to get in front of it.

I know. I saved every letter or note she ever gave me. No matter how small. I’m really that sentimental.

I’m the same way. I have every movie ticket stub my SO and I have ever seen amongst other stuff. We actually had a major thread a few weeks ago about keeping momentos from your ex’s. You should come over to the Vag

Hey man, I been reading the thread but neglecting to say things cause how sensitive of a subject it is. Just hang in there, pound back a few drinks with the guys, and keep on keepin’.. Sooner or later you’re going to realize it isn’t that bad.

going to the Vag, brblol!

edit:
link to thread?

I wish it was later already. I’m one impatient motherfucker. I gotta work on that.

Haha, yeah, the speed the clock moves doesn’t do much when you’re ready to "go".

Hang in there, man.

Well, since you’ve saved them, they should be all nice and organized so it’ll be easy to put them all in a box and put that box in the attic/top of the closet/where you wont see it and cant easily take it out to reminisce. Like Beer said, you’ve got to get it all out of sight. Eventually, you’ll forget the box is there and one day wayyyyyy down the road when you’re ready, you’ll go back through it, remember the fond times once again, then get rid of it for good.

It took me a LOOONNNGG time to get rid of some things from my most-recent ex. Even after all the letters and stuff were gone, I still had a few ‘things’ hanging around in my stuff. I came across the last of it when packing to move this past summer so I mailed the necklace he had given me back to him (it was his moms, so I figured he would want it) and threw his sweatshirt out (I wouldve donated it, but I figure the karma might’ve traveled with it and it was so ratty no one wouldve wanted it anyway ) . It felt really good to finially know it was all gone.
Ugh. I feel physically ill right now. I don’t want to eat or work. I just want to sleep and listen to music. Talking is good, but just get so god damn emotional. Gonna see her tonight after work and talk.

And you know why.

And you know why.

I gotta get stuff…seriously…

Then make it quick mister!

it’ll be like this: with a in between.

Well, as long as its not a with a ,or a ,or a or even a or a in between, I’d say you’re in good shape. Just remember you can always go home and

I love smilies . Seriously though, you’ll be fine, just re-read all the reasons you posted in this thread that you’re not together before you go….

Well, as long as its not a with a ,or a ,or a or even a or a in between, I’d say you’re in good shape. Just remember you can always go home and

I love smilies . Seriously though, you’ll be fine, just re-read all the reasons you posted in this thread that you’re not together before you go….

@ smilies.

I’ve been rolling around the scenarios in my head today of what might happen when I go back. I’d be shocked if she came on to me. However, she’s taking it much harder than I am and that Cptn Save-a-Hoe switch clicks on in my head when she gets upset, just habit. I want to make it all better. BUT, i KNOW i can’t do that, not this time. I’m not cold-hearted, I’m just trying to be realistic and I know that it’s not going to work.

On a sidenote, i probably will go home and

Mine spoke to me for about 4 seconds today. we’re going to be talking next week at some point. I have yet to give her a day. . . .

Well, as long as its not a with a ,or a ,or a or even a or a in between, I’d say you’re in good shape. Just remember you can always go home and

I love smilies . Seriously though, you’ll be fine, just re-read all the reasons you posted in this thread that you’re not together before you go….

Thanks I needed a good laugh

I’m trying to get out ASAP. I can’t keep going back to get more and more shit. I’ll be basically completely moved out after this weekend. We’ve texted a few times today, but have yet to speak today. It just feels so wierd. I want to ask her about her day and have our normal chit-chat, but I’m not going it. The routine is over and that’s what’s so uncomfortable.

aww.. dude…. I remember when I got my stuff back from my ex. My sweatshirt smelled liked her. That was a fun night of

I know exactly the emotion you’re having there. its a bubble thats gona build and build. at some point it either pops… or the day ends
i could give you my number, you could txt me about me day that’ll prevent your bubble from popping…
So…how did it go?
I never had that last "getting all my stuff day" with my ex, I just packed up and moved back home (300miles) and never really saw him again, so I dont know how its supposed to go, but I’m interested to hear…

So…how did it go?
I never had that last "getting all my stuff day" with my ex, I just packed up and moved back home (300miles) and never really saw him again, so I dont know how its supposed to go, but I’m interested to hear…

It was good to talk to her. It didn’t make things any easier. She seemed kind of angry until the subject became her instead of me. Then she just lost it and cried like I’ve never seen her cry. It was SO hard to not hold and kiss her, and assure her that things are going to be all right. She feels like she has failed me, I feel like I have failed her. Out of 4.5 years, I think we were on the same page for 2 of them. The past year has been the hardest. I never realized how angry it made me when she tried to control what I did. I’m not an "open book" and I finally let a lot of stuff out and she jest kept saying, "Why didn’t you just tell me before?" I have trouble identifying how I feel sometimes, especially when things are personal and emotional. It’s like I can’t think clearly. I asked for my matresses back and felt like a total dickhead. But I have nowhere to sleep. We both love movies, so I told her to take which ever ones she wanted. For the first time in at least a year, she was actually folding my laundry. It’s not that I expected that of her, it’s just that she never did it. I did it for her all the time. It was just kind of metaphoric. In a way I feel like we never had a fair shot. It’s was a struggle from day 1 and I guess part of me really wants to break free while another really wants to fight it out. She’s the most determined person I’ve ever known. She’s a fighter through and through. I admire and repect the hell out of her.

excuse me while i jump off an emotional cliff.

I know exactly the emotion you’re having there. its a bubble thats gona build and build. at some point it either pops… or the day ends
i could give you my number, you could txt me about me day that’ll prevent your bubble from popping…

in for pm
i’m in kind of a denial phase where i still feel like it’s gonna work out…I guess it’s an emotional hideout that I’ve been going to for a while. I’ve just never dealt with a lot of personal feelings because I was so worried about hers.

It was good to talk to her. It didn’t make things any easier. She seemed kind of angry until the subject became her instead of me. Then she just lost it and cried like I’ve never seen her cry. It was SO hard to not hold and kiss her, and assure her that things are going to be all right. She feels like she has failed me, I feel like I have failed her. Out of 4.5 years, I think we were on the same page for 2 of them. The past year has been the hardest. I never realized how angry it made me when she tried to control what I did. I’m not an "open book" and I finally let a lot of stuff out and she jest kept saying, "Why didn’t you just tell me before?" I have trouble identifying how I feel sometimes, especially when things are personal and emotional. It’s like I can’t think clearly. I asked for my matresses back and felt like a total dickhead. But I have nowhere to sleep. We both love movies, so I told her to take which ever ones she wanted. For the first time in at least a year, she was actually folding my laundry. It’s not that I expected that of her, it’s just that she never did it. I did it for her all the time. It was just kind of metaphoric. In a way I feel like we never had a fair shot. It’s was a struggle from day 1 and I guess part of me really wants to break free while another really wants to fight it out. She’s the determined person I’ve ever known. She’s a fighter through and through. I admire and repect the hell out of her.

excuse me while i jump off an emotional cliff.

It sounds like it went as well as can be expected, right? Remember, hindsight is always 20/20 – yes, its a cliche, but its so much easier to see what couldve been done better in the relationship when youre not in it anymore. It doesnt, however, mean that you should get back together….

A personal note: The last week my ex and I spent together was probably the best we had in the year up to that. See, after we broke up…I couldnt get someone to come get me/my stuff and help me move till the following weekend, and he had to find a new place, so we were kinda stuck together for the next week. It was the week between spring/summer semester for him and was only working part time, and I had lost my job 2 weeks prior, so we ended up having alot of time to hang out that week. It was totally weird to still be sleeping in the same bed as someone a week after we broke up, and actually having a good time with them for the first time in a long while because we didnt have the stress of our relationship hanging in the air… Still, when the time came, we both packed up and left because it was the best thing to do…
I really want to get laid right now.

Wierd, because this is completely out of character for me. I never drink heavily, I’m not the type to sleep around…I’m 26, only had sex with 4 people for fuck’s sake. I feel like such a trainwreck.

you’re right. But when you can truly identify the problem, it makes you believe it can be properly fixed. Like this time’s gonna be any different. That’s the hard part. I always want things to be perfect.
That’s life my friend; you will get through it, next time remember you can never rely on someone else for the interest/warmth and time you need to be providing yourself.

i was there. right now, I dont want it to work out even if it could. if we could manage now, it wouldn’t be real… ya know?

You will come outta your hide-out soon enough. i’m peeking out. Ya GOTS to deal with um.
I wouldn’t be so quick to leave and move on like this…. maybe you’re in denial about the wrong thing

such as?
Just spoke to my sister. She really put it in perspective for me. She asked…"If you had the opportunity to move elsewhere for your career and you stayed because of her, would you resent her?" I said, "Yeah.." She said, "Well, there’s your answer. You shouldn’t have to resent her." Talk about bringing it home.

Thats a good sister you’ve got.
That’s great advise and something to keep yourself thinking about.
I’m sorry man but things will be better. Was in a 6 year relationship myself over a year ago and it was very hard on me. But I guess you live and learn as time goes by. At least you two were very mature and mutual about it. I have had 2 jobs since we broke up, just to keep my mind busy. Always try to stay active and try not to communicate with her for at least a year. Easier said than done but you’ll be fine if you do that much

it’s so hard not to communicate with her. we’ve communicated one way or another every day since.

STOP! i know its hard but you’re not really letting go of the urges that are building in you…
Okay, 1 week update:

We’ve been chatting off and on. Since there is no pressure of being in a relationship, we’ve discussed some personal issues and it’s been good to let it all out without fear of hurting someone. Moving stuff out is a chore. I feel better than I did a week ago, much less emotional. I’m more optimistic about the future and I’m kind of excited to date again. However, the flip side of that is I know for a while I’m going to compare everyone to her, in my mind. The next person, and it’s gonna be a while before I date, will have some mighty big shoes to fill. My expectation levels are higher and I know I’m not going to just settle. I’m slowly making a list of things I will not tolerate from a girlfriend and I plan on sticking to that list.

Okay, 1 week update:

We’ve been chatting off and on. Since there is no pressure of being in a relationship, we’ve discussed some personal issues and it’s been good to let it all out without fear of hurting someone. Moving stuff out is a chore. I feel better than I did a week ago, much less emotional. I’m more optimistic about the future and I’m kind of excited to date again. However, the flip side of that is I know for a while I’m going to compare everyone to her, in my mind. The next person, and it’s gonna be a while before I date, will have some mighty big shoes to fill. My expectation levels are higher and I know I’m not going to just settle. I’m slowly making a list of things I will not tolerate from a girlfriend and I plan on sticking to that list.

Bravo Just keep coming back to this thread and post up and let us know how you’re doing

It sucks to break up with someone after so many years, I had to break up with my ex-also-son’s-father after 6 years which complicates the situation even more But the 2 ground rules I have if I even think of getting back together with him or talking to him are:

1) Remember why you broke up in the first place. (I made a bulleted list of all the wrongs he has done me and my son, and keep a copy everywhere so if I have a weak moment [since he still takes every opportunity to beg for me back] I refer to that list and that moment is over.

2) Keep yourself busy. Me, I post on OT among other boards and help my son out on his basketball team and am planning lots of nice vacations for us this year to get away. Plus I am on expert level on the drums on Rock Band for Xbox360 And I also do websites and proposals, etc for friends for extra money on the side. And taking bartender classes (in a mini coop sittin on dubs…I’m just keeping it reallllll ) but yeah, go out there and do whatever it was you wanted to do for fun or take a college class or art class or something

and most of all, time heals all. It won’t be overnight, but you’ll get over her and meet someone even better (hopefully while you’re out rock climbing or working out at the gym or volunteering at the shelter or whatever it is you choose to do to fill your time)
Let it out before it fucks you up, you CANT stay postive. You need to vent, rebuild and move on.

I am. But I take out my frustration in a postive way. I’m thrashing my legs weekly on my bicycle. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still emotionally unstable, but it’s getting better. But I have noticed that, if I can’t ride I get REALLY frustrated. Lately, it takes nothing to set me off in a frenzy of swearing.
uhhhhhhhhh 2 weeks.

I’m not as upset as I thought I would be at this point. All the schedule juggling sucks because I moved back home for a few weeks. My routine got fucked up, and I operate on a schedule every single day. So, most days I can’t really pull it together first thing like I used to. Everything is in limbo. My job is possibly jeopordized (company was bought out) and I’m waiting to see if I keep my position with the new owners. So, I’m anxious everyday. It’s not as hard seeing her anymore. We’ve spoken less over the past week than the week prior. So, I’m beginning to feel the distance. It’s so strange really. Being so close to someone for that long and now…nothing.
Okay, for some reason I thought I might be on the fasttrack to recovery here, but no. I’ve been waiting on this to happen, but I REALLY miss her now. God damnit, it’s been ~3 weeks and it’s really hitting home. I saw her yesterday, I had to pick up stuff, she was sobbing a little. We chatted briefly, then I left. It’s really hard for her to see me pack up my stuff and take it. Part of me thinks, "Wow, this is so stupid" while the other part thinks, "It’s really for the best for both of you." The truth is, I still care for her very very much. I guess that’s to be expected since we were together for so long and actually had a pretty good relationship. I had trouble sleeping last night in my bed because I just stared at the ceiling remembering all of the good times we’ve had. That’s the hardest part. We had SOOOO much fun together over the past 4.5 years and it’s so hard to let that go. I watched Dan In Real Life last night and got a little emotional thinking "She’d really like this movie." Nothing seems right without her and, nothing seemed right with her. I was "alone" for the past .5 years of our relationship, but I knew she’d be there to listen if I really needed something. Now, there’s really no one and it’s difficult. I have many friends, and two that I can count on for emotional support. However I really want to be alone at the moment. I want to be alone as much as I want to feel close to someone again.
Nothing seems right without her and, nothing seemed right with her. I was "alone" for the past .5 years of our relationship, but I knew she’d be there to listen if I really needed something

Wow, I know that feeling exactly.

Me and the girl I’ve been with for over 6 years split up on Friday. I know how it feels being "alone" even though you live with the person and even though you know whats wrong, and what you must do its so hard to let all that time go, you almost feel like you’ve made it this far so something must be right.

I can tell you this it was probably a living hell for her to be alone with all your stuff around because thats where I am now. I haven’t been able to bring myself to take everything down yet so I guess I’m only making it harder on myself.

Sorry to hijack.

If you want to talk or something shoot a PM. OT support ftw (who would think that would be said )
Thanks for the update man, I was wondering how it was going.

I’m sorry its been rough lately for ya, but to be frank, its gonna be. Break-ups arent easy, and "easy" break ups are almost harder. You’ll make it though. You’re really dealing with this well, and the fact that you can still recognize and remind yourself why you broke up is great. A lot of people loose sight of that during this time.

Question: Why are do you still have stuff at her place/need to pick stuff up after 3 weeks? That cant be making it any easier. Please tell me you dont have anything left there and dont have to go back. Its just like picking the scab off every time you do it.

Along those same lines, you’re right about needing/wanting to be alone. You might not need to be alone from all your friends, but I dont think you really need to see her (or talk to her) for a good bit. Let the wound heal for a while – and the best way to do that is to leave it alone! Its really really really hard b/c like you said, she’s been your emotional support for so long, but in this case, she really cant be b/c thats just counter productive to your healing process.

Hang in there!

Question: Why are do you still have stuff at her place/need to pick stuff up after 3 weeks? That cant be making it any easier. Please tell me you dont have anything left there and dont have to go back. Its just like picking the scab off every time you do it.

I have 2 jobs and spare time is scarce. I have a bed and a desk there, still. Those will be gone this weekend. She doesn’t have anything to sleep on and I’d feel like a dick taking that away from her if I don’t need it right now. She has something now, but I’m just waiting to get my mattresses until the weekend.

Along those same lines, you’re right about needing/wanting to be alone. You might not need to be alone from all your friends, but I dont think you really need to see her (or talk to her) for a good bit. Let the wound heal for a while – and the best way to do that is to leave it alone! Its really really really hard b/c like you said, she’s been your emotional support for so long, but in this case, she really cant be b/c thats just counter productive to your healing process.

Hang in there!

You know, the scary part, and what kept me up last night, was that after this weekend’s moving, I’ll have no reason to see her again. Granted we’re going to run to eachother because we’re involved in a lot of the same activites and organizations…that’s how we met…But, it’s frightening to realize that there’s no reason to see her anymore. It makes me extremely sad to know that this is it. I’m angry, depressed, isolated, numb all at once.

I hooked up a wireless network for her at her new place yesterday. No, she wasn’t there but her best friend was. They’re sharing a house. Anyway, we talked for about 2 hours about her and the way she is. Her friend told me that she knew the ex will regret her actions, and believes she lost focus on us for the sake of her education. Education is extremely important, but she’s not the type with the ability to focus on more than once thing at a time. I graduated, have a career, etc. She’s older than me, had a career, lost it and went back to school. She’ll be the first person in her family to graduate from college. Her friend thinks she’s the one being selfish, not me, but she just can’t see it yet. One of the last things my ex said to me was, "You know, I finally get a good guy and I don’t know what to do with him." I’ve put up with a lot of shit, but I guess I just got sick of it.
I don’t think you should expect to remain friends. Unless you are a particularly evolved person I can’t imagine that not being extremely messy. Friends need to be honest with eachother, and as ex lovers of almost 5 years you are going to need to keep some things hidden or risk hurting eachother.

Oh, ok. All very good reasons – I was just checkin.

You know, the scary part, and what kept me up last night, was that after this weekend’s moving, I’ll have no reason to see her again. Granted we’re going to run to eachother because we’re involved in a lot of the same activites and organizations…that’s how we met…But, it’s frightening to realize that there’s no reason to see her anymore. It makes me extremely sad to know that this is it. I’m angry, depressed, isolated, numb all at once.

Yes, its frightening, but try to look at it from a positive perspective (yes, yes, easy to say, hard to do). You KNOW that (even if it doesnt feel great) by not having a reason to see her anymore, you’re giving yourself the opportunity to heal which you wouldnt otherwise have.

Just dont go around finding reasons to contact her after this – and I say that knowing how easy it is to do w/out realizing what youre doing. Finding her favorite flavor ice cream on sale at the grocery store =/ calling her and telling her about it or buying her some and dropping it off at her place. Being in the neighborhood for something else =/ stopping by to say hi. It may seem obvious, but b/c she’s still going to be on your mind some, its hard not to at least think about doing stuff like this. Its ok to think about it, not ok to do it.

This part was especially hard for me in my last break up. I dont know if its just a girl thing, but I know that because we had such a "good" break-up and there was no bad blood really preventing me from calling him, it was hard not to, even if I didnt really have a good reason and most of the time it just made me hurt b/c I wasnt actually healing. Being able to stop this really helped.

I hooked up a wireless network for her at her new place yesterday. No, she wasn’t there but her best friend was. They’re sharing a house. Anyway, we talked for about 2 hours about her and the way she is. Her friend told me that she knew the ex will regret her actions, and believes she lost focus on us for the sake of her education. Education is extremely important, but she’s not the type with the ability to focus on more than once thing at a time. I graduated, have a career, etc. She’s older than me, had a career, lost it and went back to school. She’ll be the first person in her family to graduate from college. Her friend thinks she’s the one being selfish, not me, but she just can’t see it yet. One of the last things my ex said to me was, "You know, I finally get a good guy and I don’t know what to do with him." I’ve put up with a lot of shit, but I guess I just got sick of it.

You had every right to get sick of it. She’s put her education first, which is FINE – lots of people do this everyday and its not abnormal, nor does it mean you sucked as a bf. However, its not fine that you’d be expected to sit around and go through all that shit for it. She probably didnt know what to do with a good guy when she had him, but that still doesnt mean you gotta hang around till she figures it out.

all right, for the most part. I’m keeping unbelievable busy as a part of my job. I lost my primary job, but my secondary job I have the option to be full-time, so I’m not hurting financially. Thinking of beginning a freelance venture, now I just gotta get some money.

Emotionally, still up and down. Nothing’s stable and I’m fairly unenthusiastic, unmotivated and tired most days. That’s probably mostly fatigue, but it’s all running together. Thanks for asking though!

This part was especially hard for me in my last break up. I dont know if its just a girl thing, but I know that because we had such a "good" break-up and there was no bad blood really preventing me from calling him, it was hard not to, even if I didnt really have a good reason and most of the time it just made me hurt b/c I wasnt actually healing. Being able to stop this really helped.

it’s not just a girl thing, imo. i called her yesterday for some BS reason and she called me out on it. wasn’t upset, but it caught me off guard. she still calls me and chats about her day, and she works at my gym, ssssoooooo…sometimes I see her regardless. I can’t really adjust my schedule around her and I’m not going to. I survive on routine right now.

You had every right to get sick of it. She’s put her education first, which is FINE – lots of people do this everyday and its not abnormal, nor does it mean you sucked as a bf. However, its not fine that you’d be expected to sit around and go through all that shit for it. She probably didnt know what to do with a good guy when she had him, but that still doesnt mean you gotta hang around till she figures it out.

It really cut down on our communication and I totally blame that for the failure of the relationship. Hell, we never had a fight and make-up sex in almost 5 years. We didn’t communicate effectively at all. I tried to sugar-coat stuff because I wanted everything to be okay. That’s not going to work, so I’ve realized. I’ve been bluntly honest since we broke up and it feels great. I’m taking some blame, she’s taking some blame, it’s BOTH our faults.

agree. i use bad memories to fuel me when i am working out.

I know I’d be sooooo pussyhurt at the moment over her dating someone else.
well im kinda disappointed you still talk to her. i mean if you want to be better off in the long run i think its just better to not communicate and not come around her territory and she shouldnt come around yours for at least a year. im not saying the gym is her territory but im sure you can find another if you really didnt wanna see her.
you do sound like you are handling your emotions better than before though

well im kinda disappointed you still talk to her. i mean if you want to be better off in the long run i think its just better to not communicate and not come around her territory and she shouldnt come around yours for at least a year. im not saying the gym is her territory but im sure you can find another if you really didnt wanna see her.
you do sound like you are handling your emotions better than before though

yeah, i know it’s not healthy to really talk to her. I’m using a different gym as of today. It’s closer to me anyway now, since i’ve moved. As I’ve perviously said, we run in the same circles. We’re both active bicycle racers in the same club. She’s mountain, I’m road, so it’s not like we race together. "sigh: but, anyway. It’s getting a little easier emotionally, so thanks for noticing

Well, at least you know. Its good that you changed gyms, and that you’re not just doing it b/c of her. I dont really think that if you truly accidentally run into her at some event, club get together or whatever, that it’s a bad thing – you’re just going about your life, which is fine.
That said, I do think its kinda funny that she called you out on calling her for no reason. Its a sign that she’s on the same page as you (or the one you know you should be on) about the break up, which is awesome. One good thing about ‘good’ break ups is that a lot of the time, ‘you both know what you have to do’ so no one is slowing the process down with unnessecary drama.

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