So, I’ve been friends with this girl for 4 1/2 years. We never really dated, just occasional "dates" but nothing serious or romantic or anything like that. Just going out and having fun, etc.

So, this past Friday, we hung out together. This is the first time we really hung out at her place alone to just hang out and we watched a DVD. Everything was really really cool. End of the night came along, she walked me outside to my car and instead of us kissing on the cheek like we usually do, we kissed for real (basically, she didn’t move her cheek like she always does and it was mutual). Keep in mind, this was a few days before I went out on a date which she knew nothing about. FYI, the date went really well and we are going out again tonight!

So, she makes no big deal about it, I make no big deal about it and then come Monday, she flips the fuck out on me saying she doesn’t feel the same way about me that I feel about her, I belittle her (which I don’t) and don’t respect her (which I do), I don’t understand the journey she is on (mainly her job and I’ve been there so I know) and she thought I did, etc. Basically, it sounds like her shrink talking to me. She brought up she didn’t appreciate the kiss on the lips Friday. It was a non issue until Monday and keep in mind, it was mutual and I made no big deal about it because I was not forcing a serious relationship on her or anything.

So I tried defending myself and apologized for the kiss and made no other excuse, because frankly, I had none and just said what happened, happened. Since she was wanting to be my "friend", I made her aware I was dating some girl now. She sends me an e-mail today basically making it sound like I am dead to her and she never wants to see me again. Saying she doesn’t feel for me the same way as I do for her (I feel she is a very good and possible best friend) and she wishes she did because it would be a good thing. Says she thinks we want different things from each other. She is happy I am dating this girl and hopes it turns out to be someone special to me, I will never know how much I mean to her and I accept her for who she is and that’s cool and now she thinks it’s best we take a break from each other. Said I am a cool guy and ended it with "Thanks for everything" and signed "Love" and her name.

Again, I brought NONE of this up. I never mentioned any feels for her AT ALL She just jumped to many conclusions. Now I feel like she no longer wants to be my friend, never wants to speak with me, I feel like I am heartbroken and ready to ball my eyes out (at work mind you). I can only think of two things. 1.) She got freaked out by the kiss or 2.) She is jealous I am dating someone right now and wants me all to herself but without the pressure of a relationship or dating her.

So, help me out. How do I go about this? What do I say? If I ignore her, she will get mad. If I don’t ignore her, this all may continue with this fighting, none of which I started or talked about. She brought it all out there. I have not said or done anything to her to deserve this treatment…
i’m going for jealousy…since you kissed "for real" and now she finds out you’re dating someone, etc.

This is what I think too. At first she tells me she has no feelings for me, just wants to be friends, etc. This is before I tell her about dating someone. Then I tell her and then the rest follows. I think she is afraid of getting hurt and instead of liking me, she opts to tell me she has no feelings for me.

On a side note, this exact thing happened between me and her in 2006, right before I went out with my ex-gf. Only difference was that I was drunk when I tried to kiss her but I needed to know where we stood with each other. We got past that though and were around each other a lot again come summer time after I didn’t have a gf. We talked about dating earlier this year, she told me she liked me a lot, had feelings for me but didn’t want to date (and she went out on a date 2 weeks later with some douche) or ruin our friendship. I respected a lot of that.
Maybe she got a little freaked out by the kiss and didn’t know what she wanted. She got confused because you have been friends for so long. Then when you told her about the other girl she figured out what she wanted was a relationship with you.

I’m in a mildly similar situation. I’ve known this girl for about 6 years. She was always my best girl friend because we lived across the street from each other. Anyway, she has been dating the same guy for about 3-4 years now, but last weekend we had a conversation about how she has had a little crush on me since 05 and I told her that I had always been curious about us dating. Naturally I’m not going to make a move since she is in a relationship, but since it all came out I can definitely say there is a change in her attitude

You’re an idiot!

The bold part is you belittling her! The fact that you didn’t say it to her is irrelevant. You have likely thought and acted in the same manner many times before. However, you are oblivious to this obvious contradiction in your post so you’re oblivious to the other ways in which you belittle her.

Usually when people tell you these things and you disagree, which you obviously do, you are not conscious of how your actions are being interpreted. You may not mean to belittle her and instead think that you are "just kidding" yet your intent doesn’t matter….it’s how she’s taking it.

Most people don’t like to be teased even if it’s "just a joke". Some people are particularly sensitive to this and simply have very little tolerance for it….especially when they are the "brunt of the joke".

If you tease much….this is likely the truth and you owe it to yourself to think, perhaps she’s right. And try to see it from her perspective.

On the other hand, she could be fucked up and just spewing. Only you will be able to decipher her words and actions but I wouldn’t be so quick to discard her statements.

I think you’re wrong. It was an issue she just finally decided to speak up.

You defended when what would have been more productive is understanding. You felt attacked and so you defended yourself…it’s common but doesn’t help resolve conflicts.

By belittling/teasing her (if in fact you did) then telling her about this other woman, you sent the exact same message. Good job.

She sounds pretty cool too me.

So what. You act as if you’re the total victim here….you aren’t so stop being a little bitch about it.

You’re ready to ball your eyes out? Yeah right. You seem to be really out of touch with things.

First stop acting like a victim here. She’s telling you the things you do that make her feel bad when she’s around you. People don’t hang out with people that make them feel bad about themselves…..they kick those fuckers to the curb because there are many people in life that won’t do that to you.

You need to stop seeing how you are right and she is wrong and start trying to see where she is right. Now she’s not going to be 100% right but right now, YOU ARE. You need to realize that she’s being honest with you and trying to get you to see things that you are oblivious to. If you don’t change, you will be dead to her.

It’s a choice only you can make.
I’m just going to clap because Coottie said everything I wanted to say.
I’m not gonna jump on any of the "whose fault it is" thing, but I will say this. If you’ve been on and off friends for over 4 years, there certainly could be tensions that have built up inside her. Some women tend to let things simmer for a LONG time.

This was my advice that came to mind after reading the first post, and it’s still my advice.

Leave her alone, let her figure all that stuff out, then come back to you.

Easiest way to avoid drama like this is to cut it off at the source and not escalate it.
Do this and nothing else:

Blame it on the moment.

Then leave it up to her.

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