So today I woke up in bed. Told myself I should just stay there until my mom leaves from her lunch break. I didn’t. I went downstairs, and someone had taken/moved/thrown away my ciggarettes.

Again.

So I asked her. And asked her. After she told me "someone might have thrown them away again" I got upset, and out of respect for my mom I went into the garage and said "Fuck this, not again, damnit, fuck this".

She thought I was saying "Fuck you" to her. I told her repeatedly, I had not, ect. She didn’t believe it. So we started yelling at the top of our lungs, again.

My whole family has been doing this to each other for over 3 weeks now. I dont know of any issues or problems that might have happened while I might have been gone, but it seems none of us can keep it civil if ANYTHING of an issue arises.

Are some families just made like that? To fight with each other constantly? Or did I just luck out?
My family is like that and has been my whole life. My mom and I just can’t get along. Since I’m only 20 and in college I’m sol and have to keep my mouth shut when I am home.
Try to get out of the house as much as you can when you are upset. I vent to my boyfriend when I see him if I’m having a hard time and just talking it out makes me feel better.
I can’t wait to move out.

How old are you?
I’m only 17, but not for long. It is very hard at times finding ways to cope with all the bullshit.
Your mom threw away your cigarettes because you’re underage and because she’s concerned about your health. She didn’t confront you about it, or come out and admit it, because you’re an overly-aggressive ass. Consider that you’re the one who got angry and started cursing first. Maybe she behaves in a way that instigates angry responses, but you’re still to blame for actually doing it.

It’s a bitch when you live at home and you try to get away with stuff that’s illegal or otherwise not allowed in your home, there’s no getting around that. However, chances are you wouldn’t get in so many shouting matches if, well, you didn’t get into so many shouting matches. You don’t have to yell at your mother in order to do what you want to do — I’m guessing you don’t have yell at her before you can light up each cigarette you smoke, so if you look at it rationally, then you already know you can do what you want in peace. You just need to break the habit of getting pissed when someone else thinks you shouldn’t do it.
i’m 18 and i think if she took your cigarettes then she’s trying to be a good parent! she doesn’t want want you to die! lung cancer patients aren’t…..faking it!

You’re completely wrong. 100%. Everyone BUT my mom and dad smoke in this house. Me and 2 other siblings. They care, but already told us atleast a year ago that they wouldn’t stop us from doing it. She has never thrown away my smokes, usually my sisters do thinking it’s empy or whatever. I was not and am not an "agressive ass" twoard anyone in my family. I love them.

Why do you assume its "all about cigarettes" and my age, why do you assume its all ME. My whole FAMILY does this to EACH OTHER, so i came HERE for advice on how to get us from getting at each other’s throats.

-cigarettes arent the issue
-my whole family, not just me is argueing constantly

Now, will you give me some advice?

p.s. read the OP again. I didn’t yell or curse AT my mom, I went into the garage and was fucking and shitting to myself. Its just how I vent. It helps.

sorry but i think it’s still partially about cigarettes. you say she said she wouldn’t stop you from smoking? maybe something knocked some sense into her. sorry to sound so preachy but you can’t dispute that smoking is unhealthy, regardless of age.

i do hear what you’re saying though. i’m not really qualified to give advice but i’ll try: if you really think that the cursing thing helps then do it farther away so she can’t hear you, go punch a punching bag, flat out tell them you want them to stop arguing all the time (hopefully without starting an arguement) if they aren’t willing to make efforts to change then all i can think you can do is leave the room or maybe even in the house immediatley if you sense an arguement coming (maybe sending them a message in the process), during this time go hit baseballs or something to blow off steam; maybe you could pick up a fun hobby in the process, then listen to peaceful music to cool off.
Your lucky.

My parents are divorced and I have seen some nasty nasty shit at a young age.

Your 17, alot of 17 year olds and their parents don’t see eye to eye. As you get older things will change. Has for me.

Their parents most likely raised them to be that way, what do you know about the grandparents?

dude, trust me, it isn’t

all 4 are dead so, not much

This is why:

It’s intended to be sarcastic, of course, but a good friend of mine once told me that sarcasm is the truth followed by a chuckle.

I told you how to avoid arguments. Stop engaging in them. Ultimately, that’s what you have to do, and once you get a job in the real world, you’ll learn that you can even get along with someone you despise simply by not getting in their face when they do that thing that drives you nuts. And that’s a good thing, because chances are they do that thing because they think it’s a good idea, and they won’t stop for you or anyone else.

I didn’t even intend to engage the arguement with my mom. She just blew up. My family seems to do that often, especially my dad and 2 sisters.

How could I avoid the situation without my mom saying "Don’t walk away from me" blah blah or my dad "calling me out" on my manhood?
Calling him an ass is really a great way to get him to take anything you say into consideration.
Maybe don’t say fuck around your mother so she won’t mistaken it as "fuck you"

I think it is to

Or she’s a passive aggressive bitch. You assume too much. But yeah fuck cigarettes did you not pay attention in health class or something?

Keep walking… and tell your dad it’s not size that matters, it’s how you use it

well i am just going to try walkin away and even if they take it as a bitch move and it makes them mad, i’ll keep going

You are fitting the definition of being an aggressive ass.

A teenager that can kick your ass pacing in the garage saying ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ over and over again is a pretty intimidating thing.

You need to get some control over yourself.
You didn’t give any other examples of how your family always argue but in my opinion, it looks like there’s a lack of respect on your part. YOur parents have a right to trash your cigarettes and you should not be crying about it. You live under their roof and you should follow their rules especially if you aren’t an adult yet.

You know how your parents feel about you smoking so keep the cigarettes to yourself. Keep it in your bedroom, out of their sight. If you can’t do that, then move out and pay for your own bills.

This is the problem with f’n kids nowadays. They don’t respect their parents at all and think they can do/say whatever the hell they want. You can’t even try to steer them in t he right direction w/out worrying about them going nuts on you.
Personally, if my 17 year old son started cursing and ranting because his cigs were thrown out I would have confronted him also.

Confront? I would’ve grounded him. And I would not hesitate to throw out his cigarettes every single time I see them.

I hate to say it but chances are his parents did something wrong w/his upbringing because apparently he don’t have much respect for them. If that happened to me, I wouldn’t have biotched and moaned about it.

How did she blow up first? You’re the one who started yelling and cursing. Are you telling me you couldn’t handle your frustration internally?

It sounds to me like you consider everything you do to be a perfectly reasonable response to someone else’s offense. You can’t solve disputes unless you’re willing to consider, at least academically, that they might have done everything right and you might have done everything wrong — if you don’t consider that possibility, then you can’t evaluate what you’re actually doing wrong, because you’ll always favor yourself in an argument.
what’s wrong with you guys?(calling him an agressive ass and whatnot) didn’t you read what he said? he tried to walk away. it’s not his fault his mom misinterpreted his cursing.

if you’re dad thinks that sticking around for a fight makes you more of a man then he’s a fool. to me it sounds like your parents are the ones who need to grow up. don’t let their comments manipulate you. just walk away anyway, tell them you’ll come back when they’re ready to talk in a civil manner.

stop smoking though…

Are you being sarcastic?
He shouldn’t have been cursing to begin with. If you don’t understand this then there is something wrong with you.

no i wasn’t being sarcastic. did you read what he said? he wasn’t cursing AT his mom. he was just blowing off steam, no one was meant to hear!

The problem is that he doesn’t know how to deal with his frustrations properly. Yelling and cursing is not a good way to do it, even if you feel better afterwards.

And if nobody was meant to hear, but they heard anyway, then he should have said nothing more than "I dropped something on my foot in the garage" and left it at that.

- – -

It’s interesting to see that the older people are pretty much all in agreement that he fucked up on his part, regardless of what she did.

Agumentum ad populum or just an observation? That’s because the older people have already forgotten their life-experiences at that age, or they were beaten, brainwashed or knee-jerked into obedience by their own parents and that’s why they consider this ‘I’m the parent/I own this house/disobey-and-die,’ ‘correct’ upbringing. What a shocker. That bs power-jockeying doesn’t earn respect, it destroys it, making the kids more rebellious. It wouldn’t surprise me if the OP was indeed brought up this way, along with his parents. From his description, it sounds like his parents are openly LOOKING for a fight. They’re baiting him. They deserve what they got just as much as he did.

This guy’s asking for advice on how to end this cycle thus he is already aware of the weakness within himself. Those telling him he’s the sole cause of his situation in an environment with 4 other people are patently myopic. Are they all not also as responsible as he is? He said they ALL have this behavior problem. I find it very interesting that the moment he mentioned his age, everyone zoned in on the whole cigarette smoking/house/property-rights/living in their house part of his post while completely ignoring its larger picture/intent. It’s like everyone wants a shot at being little e-dictators.

It does sound like respect is part of the issue here..and that must be earned in both directions. As soon as someone starts playing trump cards, the game’s over. The OP should give it one last shot to sit down with them and talk about the issues…maybe even see a family therapist and have him act as a mediator. Or he should move out and leave the childish passive-aggressive/machismo behavior of his parents behind. That influence is bad for him. It’s the only way he’ll ever escape acting the same way. If he sees it continuing within himself anyway, then a therapist might help.

I am repeating myself.
A teenager that can fully kick your ass, pacing back and forth in the garage and muttering curse words to himself is a very THREATening thing.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family, my mother and I never got along. She stole from me, picked horrible arguments that would last for days over incredibly petty/foolish things (I can elaborate further if anyone would like me to), treated me like shit and did nothing for me or herself. We lived in filth and poverty, not because she didn’t make enough money but she didn’t save whatever money she took home from work.

I started working at age 14 and contributed whatever I could to help her, but the money she received from me would be blown on material things (Clothes, books, CD’s, etc) as soon as it was in her hands. Yet it was my fault that we were poor . No matter how hard we (my family and I) would try to get through to her, it was no use. Everything was my fault or her parents fault, she never did wrong. Eventually I moved out on my 18th birthday, not a day later.

But yea, back to the subject at hand, arguing. Living in a household like that is not healthy, whether or not the fighting leads to physical abuse. I know my that mother learned this behavior from my grandparents who to this day, still fight like animals at almost 80 years old .

I suggest you work and save every single penny you make and when your 18th birthday finally comes, just pack up all your shit and move the fuck out. You need SPACE from each other.

No, that’s not threatening at all, that’s venting. Threatening would be to get directly into his mother’s face and pull that shit. He was blowing off steam and I certainly don’t blame him. Having to live around people who are nuts can make you a nut too. And who says he can kick her ass? He could be 400lbs for all we know or his mother could be the type to bust heavy objects over his head (like my mother). The point is, we don’t know the whole story.

If you understood what it was like to live in a house with CONSTANT arguing and fighting, then you would know what this kid is going through. The fact that he walked away from his mother, went into the garage and spewed profanity away from her ears shows that he still has some shred of respect for her (I wouldn’t if I were him). His mother most likely followed him, overheard him and then overreacted. A mother knows her son, she knew he was venting but decided to use that as fuel for the fire. If she had let him be, there would have been no argument. She wanted an argument and that’s what she got it. Honestly, you guys need space from each other and therapy.

I know why you were pissed off, because you knew she threw away your cigarettes but wouldn’t own up to it. Rather than just come out and say "Hey, this is our home, you’re still a kid and we don’t want you smoking" she just threw out your $6.00 pack cigarettes when both parents already told you that you could smoke in the house. It’s aggravating when people do shit like that rather than just speak up. It’s cowardly.

Come back and post more details about your family. I’m curious. If you’d rather not post here, feel free to PM me

exactly!

Related posts:

1. shitty family situation so, this past january my younger brother (he’s 17, i’m 21) committed suicide, but my mom found him and called...
2. mother plays family members off eachother for the sake of drama she’s been doing this forever now. is this a problem that can be cured?excellent details. very thorough description of the...
3. Does anyone have anyone seriously "crazy" in their family? my dad (see whole story in this thread: ) on top af all his other problems, now has seemed to...
4. For those with IBS (or friends/family) v.long So I know I’ve read a couple of threads on OT about people with IBS, but I dont know if...
5. I cant stick up for myself im guessing this is the best place to post this im about to turn 19 and im currently living at...