Keeping this story short is probably not an option.. and no cliffs provided.

Met this wonderful girl back in 2005, when i met her I knew she was the one, never ever ever felt that strong for someone, and that connected right out of the gates. 06 was a hard year, i got in a terrible car accident, lost my job, and started to head into depression. She stuck with me through it all going above and beyond.

2007 was the worst, i had family members die in a plane crash, one die from cancer, finishing up my last year in college had me under some stress, and the depression that started at the end of 06 was full fledged in 2007. I was under different medications that made me act in various ways, and still she stuck with me eventhough i wasn’t the nicest and became very selfish. (we broke up march 07, but planned to work things out)

08 comes I finally felt like I turned the corner, planned to ask her to get back together on new years eve, as a great surprise. She completely stood me up, and wouldn’t answer her phone or anything of that nature.. I sent her a pretty pissed off email which she said kept her from calling me back. I don’t see her for two weeks, when we do we get in a huge argument she leaves calls me a few days later and says she doesn’t want to try things anymore.(first week of feb)

I convinced her to spend time with me for valentines day and we did, things were great for the next week and a half, she asked me if i wanted to get back together with her, I said idid but that i wanted to give her a few more days to make sure things were right for her. (bad mistake i guess)

4 days later she said she couldn’t try with me anymore, and no longer wanted to get back together..

*side notes*
She is now going through depression, which I feel is a result of having to deal with me, and her giving her all trying to help me out. Her family hates me (interacial situation) her friends are telling her to move on, she is planning on going back to school in DE, and I am planning to move to Co.

She says the reason she didnt show up for new years, and started acting weird afterwards was because she had a miscarriage and felt like she couldn’t talk to me about it, (because of the arguments and issues we had going on at the time) and started hating me for that reason.

She still says she sees us together down the road, hopes we can get there, still loves me etc etc. Also stated that she needs to find herself, meaning she feels as if she is in my position from 07, and does not want to put me through what I put her through. She wants space from me now, and I can’t handle the space… We used to talk 3-5 times a day phone, email, text whatever. Now it is just dead silence, she has a lot of new "friends" and i feel like these new guys have replaced me in her life.

I know i should move on, even with her saying she sees us together in the future, but I still feel like this is worth fighting for. We just spent this past weekend together thurs night till sunday, went out all over town things were great, better than when we were together.. I feel as if that was our last weekend together ever.

Toss me some advice please OT…
I think it’s really time for you to move on even if you believe it’s worth fighting for. You two will be moving away, and it’s only going to make it harder on the relationship. Good luck

Let me break this down for you. THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN. YOU WILL 99% chance NOT END UP TOGETHER.

Her family and friends dislike you, what she is doing says she doesn’t like you…

She’s just trying to be nice and give you an answer to make you go away, and leave her alone. Hence the nice "she still loves you, sees you being together, but needs to find herself first". She may actually find herself, but you are NOT in the big picture.

She’s hoping that by telling you "not right now" you’ll go on, live your life, find someone else, and move on and forget about her.

Get it now?

Yeah that was my initial thought when she first stated it around the start of feb. I straight up asked her if she wanted me to go away, if she was just playing nice to not hurt my feelings etc..

she says no she really does want something…. although it does seem like her answer is starting to change.

And as far as that moving away thing goes, we were both going to move to Co, till this came up, so now we may possibly be moving apart, i’m trying to see what is going to happen in the short run to see if i should move out there or stay near her to see what will happen.. All in all I feel like a big dumbass in this situation, I broke up with her, I hurt her (even if i didnt know what was going on during my depression) now i lost a wonderful girl, and i feel like she is just putting up with me.

I know i should leave her alone but i do not know how to, everything in my life crosses her path in some form.
You need to handle the space, you need to get friends to replace her. Eventually she may come to talk to you herself or she may never talk to you. Either way, you need to keep moving in life.

The best answer to this is to convey indifference. Whenever you see her, ignore her. Simple. It sounds easy but it’s going to be very hard. If everything in your life crosses with her, just ignore her.

yeah I will try.. She asked for space starting last monday, then she talked to me in some form every day since then.. Then told me again this past weekend she wanted space, and proceeded to call me monday, and has emailed me a few times today here at work..

Its like I keep getting tugged in different directions.. I almost feel like if i ignore her that will kill whatever chance I have left.

Well maybes its a different type of space. Maybe she wants space from talking the way you used to. Maybe she wants to talk to you normally but not in-depth. If you get my meaning.

Just treat her the same way she treats you. If she sends you a email, send one back, but don’t get enthusiastic and send lots.

Or you could take the risk and try ignoring her a couple of times, that should give her the "space" she needs.

Evidently she’s confused. She wants space and she wants to talk.

yeah i feel she is confused also. Thank you for the advice keep it coming if you can think of anything else.

this isn’t my biggest concern, but my biggest problem right now is thinking about her and dealing with this situation is crippling me at work, I am not really getting anything done, and I haven’t been ontime in like 3 weeks.

I really need a way to cope, and my current friends don’t seem like a worthwhile alternative.

Think about how much better you’ll feel when you get your shit together at work. Yeah, the situation is a bitch, but no reason to let her weigh you down in other aspects of your life. Why aren’t your friends a worthwhile alternative?

Seems like everyone is going through some kind of major event at the same time, and at the moment I feel like dating someone else is out of the question. (i’m 26 and everyone is 24-30ish)

my first gf used to tug my emotions around as well; one day being very close and saying how she couldn’t be happy with out me and the next day way distant and hanging around other guys. I didn’t know wtf I was doing so I stayed with that way too long; this road only gets more painful.

Put it this way, this is one of the worse situations to be in, and her doing this only makes you more invested in her. You’re constantly trying to figure out what you need to do to get her back, whether you said the right thing, how to play the game right…all for a girl that doesn’t deserve your time. What eventually helped me get over my ex was no contact; I became a horrible childish asshole in her eyes but a month of not talking to her when I saw her in the three classes we shared made all the difference. Just remember you’re worth having a fulfilling relationship, and if she’s willing to let you go, her loss. Just make it a clean break.

You need a holiday.
You need to join a sports club.

That way you’ll make new friends. Head over to the gym, workout or join a basketball club. Take your mind off things.

Yeah a clean break is going to be really rough, she has been my life for three years, and my idea of my future was based around/involved her.

I have been working out a lot more lately.. and thinking while working out pisses me off more and gives me more workout motivation heh.

a future she has made obvious that she doesn’t want to be a part of, you just can’t see it, we all can. Break it off now and start the healing process, this is just going to get dirty and you’re going to be hung up on her for months.

However I was in the same spot and didn’t end it when it needed to be, so I understand that as well. Good luck man
Yeah, I guess she doesn’t want me to be a part of her future.

**Update***

I sent her an email yesterday, (short version) just letting her know I will be thinking about her ( she is having two surgeries, one is on friday) and to call me if needed.

She replied but only to selective parts of the email.
She called me, but I had left my cell phone at home ( to keep myself from calling her)
I then called her back, and she sounded annoyed and was wondering why I called. Then her "mom" called (she never used to talk to her mom a lot, all of a sudden every time we talk her "Mom" calls or needs her or she has to go meet with her "mom" I know it’s b.s /another guy/an excuse to get away.) so she had to go, but would call me right back… well an hour later she called.. and I didn’t answer (left no voicemail)…

Seriously, I am struggling to not talk to her right now, tried movies, exercise, calling old friends, going out, spending time with this girl that is head over heels for me, but nothing takes my mind off of it. (Yes we are both in our mid 20’s) And I know this part sounds retarded, but she then (later that night) left a comment on my myspace saying a picture of mine was cute, so that has my thoughts all over the place.

This shit is rough, I feel bad for not calling her back, because I find it rude not to call someone back. I feel like a dumbass for sending her the email, and calling her back the first time. My goal for today is not to respond to anything she says, I have a feeling she won’t even attempt to contact me though, and that hurts enough on its own.

actually, I’d bet you’ll hear from her occasionally. She doesn’t want to be with you, but she loves the thought of you pining away for her. So she’ll call/email/text every once in awhile just to keep you thinking about her and wanting her.

She’s already doing it.

A few weeks ago Id say I don’t think she’s capable of something like that, since she was always so honest and loving.
The more you want her, the less she wants you.

The less you want her, the more she wants you.

Well now that you put it in perspective…

just joking with you, yeah i know.. that’s the way it goes sometimes.

you’ll soon learn that every person is capable of it. in my experience women can be the vicious ones at the end of a long term relationship. it makes me wonder whether she loved that specific man she was with, or just a man in general. I guess I’ve seen more relationships fail than not where it seemed that the woman considered the man disposable, and was able to move on quickly.

I understand that, and her friends voices in her head probably didnt/don’t help the situation.
Sorry I need to bring this back. I really can’t get my ex out of my head, and she is now saying she wants to try again, meaning try to start over and move forward. We spent last weekend together and nothing negative happened..

The only thing that doesn’t add up is she says she wnats to move forward etc etc.. and she i guess is forgetting I have her email password and i checked yesterday and she just signed up for this like local singles website.. but had herself listed as not looking yet. She said she was just looking for new friends…..

damn I love this girl so much I feel like I am being a big fucking retard though. Second chance and benefit of the doubt? or when in doubt kick the bitch out?
I know what its like to lose a long, meaningful relationship, and I’ve been through a bit of what you are going through as well. I’ve gotten past that, but only through distance and not talking with her anymore.

From what I’ve been reading, she has always had the control of the situation. What you need to do is take control of the situation yourself.

I don’t know if this is good advice or bad advice, so take it with a grain of salt; but if I were in your particular situation with the same feelings, I would give it one more chance, and one chance only. I would tell her straight up that this going back and forth so much is killing me and I can’t take it anymore, this is the last chance I am giving for the relationship.

If it doesn’t work out, or she says no thanks, she never wanted anything strongly enough to begin with. I would cut all ties, change my phone number, my email, and try to get a fresh start in that area of my life.
I know this is hard but you must let her go and get her out of your life. She keeps stringing you along and hurting you. it really isn’t worth the mental damage shes inflicting on you. Also, having her email password isn’t the best idea in the world. You could have found something much worse than her registering at a singles site.

I have been in your shoes and what drove me over the edge was me realizing what she was doing. I erased her number from my cell, changed numbers and moved out of where I was living. It isn’t easy but what in life is?

Don’t do it. She doesn’t really want to "try again, get back together and move forward". IF SHE REALLY WANTED THAT, SHE WOULD HAVE DONE IT EARLIER.

It’s been, what, 2 weeks since you two broke up?

SHE’S FEELING LONELY. THAT’S IT.

If you did try to get back together, it would last about 3 days before she got tired of you again.

STAY AWAY

Oh yeah, lose her email and password, or email her back and ask her to change it. You have absolutely NO business going through someone’s email.

I know, I shouldn’t have done it.. she originally gave it to me she said so i could look and see that she was always telling me the truth.

I know.. i just thought she would have enough respect for me to not string me along, or tell me… I have confronted her about it and she swears she isnt.

She has had control the last two months, before that everything was on my terms.

You are all correct… It’s just hard to let go when someone is saying everything you want to hear.

I was about to change my phone number but I have recently been applying for jobs.. and I am disconnecting my landline, so I listed my current cell as the contact number so I’m kind of stuck there.

So she is basically setting you up to check up on her. Listen, there is either trust or there isn’t. Giving someone private info like that just screams "I’m insecure! Check up on me! Validate me for being good!"
One of the things you need to ask yourself is if she is saying everything you want to hear because she means it or if she is saying it just because thats what she knows you want to hear. I think if you really sit back and think about it you’ll come up with your answer. Use her past actions as a guide to her behavior. You also have to understand yourself. You don’t want to believe that she would be stringing you along because you want to believe that the girl you fell in love with wouldn’t do something like that to you because she cares for you. I’ve been there and I think most of the people here giving you advice have too. Its not easy letting go of someone you had strong feelings for but you need to sit down and really figure out if all this anguish and pain you are going through, this emotional roller coaster is really worth it.

true true. Well starting sunday I will try to make a clean break

would only be worth if if i could see the future and saw that we found a way to get past it and be normal. But I can’t.
I called her today, told her I can’t do this.. had a 2 hour convo. During the convo, she pretty much indirectly made it clear that everything you guys said about her keeping me around was true.

So I’m glad I called her to end this. Now how to keep myself from calling her when i feel alone.

Tip of advice: Nest time this happens, don’t talk to the girl for two hours. Call, say "it’s over" and hang up.

What was some of the crap she was most likely spewing?
Read; enjoy and move on…

—————————————————–
Being dumped sucks.

It is rarely a good experience - no matter how long you’ve been going out, what the nature of your relationship was, or how it ended. The very idea that someone does not want to spend his/her exclusive time with you is a pretty big blow to the ol’ ego.

I have been dumped on many occasions for many reasons, for over a decade. I understand that there are many who have never had a girlfriend, many on their first relationship, and many more with little experience with being dumped. Take my advice as you will, but I can guarantee you that when the day comes (and it probably will), you will be better prepared for it, and hopefully won’t end up being a huge whiny turd.

I give to you:
xxxxxxxx’s guide to being dumped, and taking it like a champ.

Rule 1: The relationship is over.

This is the most important rule of all. You need to go back to it at least once every minute in the aftermath of being dumped. It is the most difficult part, yet it is also the foundation for healing. The day you come to terms with it, is the day things start getting better.

In my experience, there are three basic parts to being dumped: Premonition, dump, after-dump.

Premonition
I have been dumped, and have dumped, lots and lots of times. There has never been an instance where it is random. For every single relationshp, from shortest (2 days) to longest (3 years), there has been a period of time where the breakup is planned. For the person about to get dumped, this period is called premonition. I have always felt a breakup coming, and it is physically a worse feeling than the breakup itself. There is little communication between the couples, an intense feeling of uncertainty, and a strong desire to make it better. The longer the premonition stage lasts, the more apt you are be stupid.

Things to avoid:
Do not go beyond the bounds of your relationship. Don’t start saying, "I love you" if that’s not what you normally do.

Resist the urge to sulk. Do whatever it takes to get your mind away from it. Get the fuck out of bed, go to the gym, go for a walk, find some friends, smoke some pot, do whatever it is that you do to de-stress.

Do not start screwing around. The relationship isn’t over yet. You might get yourself into some serious trouble.

Don’t beat her to the punch, unless you had plans already.

Things to do:
Hey, here’s an idea - talk to her. "Hey, what’s going on with us, things have been kind of wierd lately." Sure, it might lead to breaking up faster, but that’s the point. If it’s going to happen, might as well not torture yourself.

Try working things out. I know, If you really care for the relationship, and she’s not cheating on your sorry ass, there’s room for work. I’ve found that the best times I’ve had were after we’ve worked things out.

Dump

RULE 1: Get ready to go through the 5 stages of loss:

*Denial
*Bargaining
*Anger
*Despair
*Acceptance

It might not happen in that order, it might not involve all the stages. Chances are you’ll experience at least 3 of them, the most popular being bargaining, anger and despair.

*Denial - Try your best to avoid it. Denial doesn’t help resolve anything, makes the whole process very difficult. Remember rule 1.

*Bargaining - Might as well give it a shot. There might be some things that you can reasonably change in the relationship. Give it up after a good shot at it. If it’s over, it’s over.

*Anger - Yup, you’re pissed. Get over it.

*Despair - This is where the crying begins. Now is the time to NOT be pathetic. There’s nothing wrong with crying, but don’t make her feel bad for you or pity you. She’ll only be pissed. There is little sympathy when it comes to being dumped, so don’t play that card. More on this in the post-dump section.

*Acceptance - Time to let go, man. REMEMBER Rule 1.

Here’s a quick scenario as to how the whole thing might look:

Girl: Things aren’t working out.
Boy: Are you sure? I thought things were fine.
Girl: No.
Boy: Well, is there anything we can do to make things better?
Girl: I just don’t want to be in a relationship anymore.
Boy: But you were the one who wanted to be in one in the first place! Who put you up to this? Is there another guy? I’ll fucking kill him.
Girl: [insert despair]
Boy: [insert despair]
Boy: Well, if this is what you want, and if this feels right, and there’s nothing I can do or say to change it, then we might as well let it happen.

See? That wasn’t so bad. This is a really good time for some Q and A, especially since you’ll want to know some of the answers in the post-dump phase. Here is a short list of questions you should ask now, while you’re still communicating:

*Is there anything I can do to make this relationship work?
*Is there anything I could have done to make things better?
*What made you decide to do this?
*Is there someone else involved?
*Is there anything I can do to avoid pissing off future girlfriends?
*When did things start to suck? What caused it?

This is a very short list, and you should tailor it to your needs in the premonition phase. If you can get all your important questions answered, it will make life easier in the next phase.

***Also, be sure to indicate that you don’t want to see/talk to her for a while. This is KEY. More on this in the next section.

Post-Dump

Nearly a decade has taught me one important thing: This is a very long phase. You need to accept this.

Ok, you just got dumped. Let the emotion out the best way you know. Cry if you have to, beat the shit out of something, go for a run. Be a man, and find someone to give you a hug. Talk it through with your close friends (not hers). Set some kind of time limit. Say to yourself, "I’m going to be a pile of emotional shit for the next hour, then I’m going to start picking myself up." Stick to it, if you’re a sulking mess for too long no one is going to want to hear about it.

Inform your friends. People ought to know to be careful around you. If they care about you, they’ll help you cope. Put away blatant reminders of her - her pictures, her underwear, her lifesize blowup doll etc.

Go out, live life normally, DO NOT DO ANYTHING RASH. Joining the Army doesn’t help, running away doesn’t help!!! you won’t get her back if you get into a car accident/attempt suicide, you certainly won’t get her back if you vandalize her property. Don’t fuck her sister/friends, don’t go beating up some kid who you think might be her new boyfriend. Use Rule 1 folks, it really puts things into perspective.

Just go on with your life. That’s the only thing you can do to really take it like a champ. There’s a huge list if things you shouldn’t do, because they’re very annoying, and you’ll feel stupid about it later.

Spend lots and lots of time away from her. This is actually a strange situation. Say you spend 4 months away from her and are feeling great. The next time you see her, it’ll take you back about 2 months. Then you’ll recover, and the next time you see her it’ll take you back 1 month. Then 2 weeks. Then 1 week. See what I’m getting at? Recovery is a long process, and there will be setbacks. Don’t think it’ll be peaches and cream the first time you see her with another guy. Try to avoid her socially until you’re certain things are ok. This may take months or years. Rarely weeks. This is why avoidance is key. You don’t need to go out of your way to avoid her, just let her know that for a while, you don’t want to see her.

Don’t play the pity card. Yes, you’re upset and hurt and heartbroken. Tell it to your friends, not to her or her friends. Avoid putting up depressing away messages, profiles, blogs, or anything of the like. Understandably, you want her to know how much she hurt you. It does you little good to do that, remember rule 1? Don’t go to the same party as her and sit in the corner looking all depressed. She’s not going to want you back, you pansy.

Don’t go visit her. First of all, it will hurt like a mofo. Secondly, girls are evil and will do shitty things like hug you, cuddle with you, tell you how much they miss you, or hit you with pepper spray. Rule 1 - it still applies. She doesn’t want to be with you, just wants to make herself feel a little better. If she wants to come back to you, she’ll call you up and say so. Being around her is most likely going to annoy her and make you feel really shitty. Girls have also been known to employ the use of a guy named Todd, who is only there to make you turn emo.

Don’t start looking for answers. If you’re smart, you already asked them when you two were breaking up. Don’t call/IM/email/fox her friends. Yes, they’re close to her and they know what’s going on. Chances are, they won’t tell you what you need to know. They’re her friends first, yours second. I’m letting you know now - if you do take this path, you will find out nothing of any use. Do you really want to know if she’s seeing someone else? Do you really want to know if she is in bed crying because she misses you? Back to Rule 1. She’s going through her own healing process, she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. Let it go, man. Her friends will report their findings to her, and she’ll hate you for snooping.

On a similar note - DON’T FUCKING STALK HER.

The above is the basic foundation for taking a dumping like a champ. There are many little nuances that I can’t remember and didn’t cover, so be prepared for anything. The only thing I can guarantee is that life will get better and you’ll move on.
—————————————————

Pay particularly close attention to the post-dump section. And never forget about rule number one.

I was in a 6 year relationship that ended ~2 months ago. I’ve followed this advice and cannot believe how good I’m doing right now.

Hope this helped.
The best "revenge" is living well.

/thread

Quoted for truth.
Success will be the best revenge . . . go fuck 10 girls, then tell me you still miss her.

Girl one so far = massive epic fail.

I have been more of myself the last week or so. I still get down every once in a while.. took her number out of my phone.. she calls me and emails me out of the blue.. with I miss you and I love you and etc.

Its starting to piss me off.. I’m like you miss me? want to hang out? her: "oh no im busy, no i’m going out of town etc.." Me: quit lying then.

Good read, everyone kind of said different parts of this maybe not all of it.. but sometimes I guess it just matters on how the info was presented, as to how it will be received..

I don’t remember the last time I posted. I think it has almost been a week, I took two weeks off from work, went to visit the folks, hanging out with some friends.. exercising, long walks, etc.. can’t find anything that makes me happy, just trying to find something to fill the time.

I am normally a pessimistic/bitter person so she is creating her own private hate-filled spot in my heart. I am starting ot see the games, and seeing how she comes to me for attention.. maybe she does care.. if she does she is going about it the wrong way..

Anyways.. thanks for checking back/posting more in my thread.. I will check back again.

Related posts:

1. End of the road v.4.5-year relationship Last night, my girlfriend and I decided to call it quits. It was probably the toughest decision I've made. Funny...
2. my 15 year old sister is on birth control And my mother got it for her. She is a dumb little 15 year old girl and hangs out with...
3. Relationship woes v. Long Distance As many already know, I have a pretty rocky relationship. Me still being in it may be questionable, but I...
4. First love coming back into my life after a year, but I have a gf. Ok, so I have a long story here, but bear with me. About 1 year ago, I broke up with...
5. Ending a relationship your happy in? Well, I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but, theres so much going on it might be hard....