I’m dating someone now. Its only been for a little while. My dad tells me that I should get out because the family is loaded with problems and in his words "the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree" Is there truth to that?
a lot of truth.

you date the girl, marry the family.
Yes…when you marry, you marry the family too.

Many marriages break up over family issues. It’s very, very common.
to answer the question, no. just because your parents are "messed up" does not mean you’ll end up like that as well. granted, you very well could, but if you realize you’re in control of your life and choices, you can actively become someone who is not "messed up".

in regards to the topic, dad has a point. even if she is perfectly normal, if the relationship becomes serious, you will have to deal with her family. that is, unless she has very little to no contact with them. however, assuming that there’s a normal level of interaction between her and your family, there could be issues down the road regardless of how normal she may or may not be.
That girl grew up around her family. She probably spent more time with her family members than any other person alive. Naturally, we become like the people we hang around the most, in some way or another.

I would agree with your father. The acorn typically doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Although, there are no absolutes here, so it may be worth doing some investigating.

yep.

most of the time, arranged marriages are setup because the two families like each other and would be honored to call the other side family.

No difference if you pick your spouse. Same thing since they drag that shit with them forever.
Explain how and why her family is "messed up."
If she is anything like me, or has family anything like mine, then yes, she is fucked. Best to avoid it all together. I dated a girl who actually had a family more fucked than mine, and she was a basket case, and it was painful to tell her, "you need help, and as long as your family is heavily involved in your life, you will not get any better. Good bye."

Probably one of the shittiest things I have done or said to a person, but it was the awful truth.

Also, from my personal experience I have given up dating for some time, because I really don’t want anyone to have to deal with my shit, or my family’s shit… Just get the fuck out while you can.
I am tempted not to touch this with a 60 foot pole.

But you are a good guy, I’m guessing.

It is pretty clear what the current opinion is, and it seems pretty well backed with practical experience.

I do know that my girlfriend is HEAVILY involved with her family, paying debts and such, and interacts with them on a daily basis.

It hasn’t been a problem so far.

However, if her family never changes and the math equation was all wrong and unchanging, that would pose to be a real problem.

Such as the fact that we are trying to establish our own grass roots, and salt does not help.

I would not exactly drop it as if it’s hot.

I would bring it upon myself to bring it up though. I would not say that so and so said this.

Tell her it’s the one thing you really wanted to ignore and bury and stay away from, but it keeps creeping back to your mind like a zombie (word it better then me, Romeo), and that you have concern as if this would effect (OUR, use our, we, us, much more potent and powerful words) potential children, if there is anything negative she feels about your own family.

Like I said – what’s been said has been said. However, it takes a lot of courage and sometimes pain to swim against the current, however it is often the most rewarding ideal. Or complete disaster.

Godspeed.

so what would you say to all the people who, their whole lives, had a fucked up family AND has had tons of acquatainces/friends/brothers from another mother in the same boat………and all turn out to be pieces of shit like their great parents, or worse.

what are we supposed to believe?

That while there are behavioral trends in people from similar backgrounds, there are many other things that can effect "how messed up" a person will be besides how their raised or how messed up their parents are.

Yes, a fucked up family can seriously damage a person and there are lots of examples of this. However, I know PLENTY of people from really messed up parents/backgrounds that do very well and are very well adjusted dispite their crappy family.

This is true. It makes a lot of sense to infer that a screwy family passes its traits down. But not always – sometimes the kids come out alright. My husband’s messed up parents had 4 kids. 2 are out and out 100% scammer/loser/deadbeats you name it. The other 2, my husband included, are more or less ok. Supporting themselves, raising kids, living the good life. Mom is still a little nutty, but my husband keeps her at arm’s length and we can have a decent family relationship that way. I know that when the day comes that she dies, we’ll never see any of the others again – that’s some of the hardness that remains.

But he had that hardness/arms length thing going when I met him. When she tested the limits, I was a little shocked at his behavior. If we were wading hip deep in the family’s disfunction throughout our courtship and marriage, it would be a totally different story.

well, i believe people have the ability and power to change if they’re serious about changing. i don’t buy into that "whoa is me" train of thought, that people are victims of circumstance. people who say that they’re the way they are because of their parents, neighborhood, and so forth, are robbing themselves of that aforementioned power. i just see it as taking the easy road since you don’t have to put any effort in to it, just "go with the flow" and blame anyone and anything other than yourself for the way you are.

there are those people who grew up against the odds and made something of themselves. those that don’t are just as capable, but simply chose not to change.

in regards to the topic, i will admit that it is difficult to change and become someone different if you’re constantly surrounded by those family members and friends. most of the people that i know who changed, keep very minimal contact with those people they are trying to be different from.
Well two sides to a story. My mom’s family are messed up like shit. Drug users, alcoholics, theives, the whole 9 yards. She is probably the next Mother Theresa. In turn my ex came from a messed up family. She ended up bringing me down with her too. Ironically 99.9% of our (my ex an I) fights were in relation to her family. Odd how that happens isn’t it? Now if you are lucky which I mean lucky as in buying a lottery ticket lucky, she’ll turn out fine. If you are not that lucky. (Let’s face it, not many people are) Then expect to be in the same situation as I was with my ex.
My parents are still married.
I am 37 and have been blessed with having lived a life free of divorcee drama.

One of my goals in getting married and being a Dad is to give that same gift to my children.

I was dating this woman a few years back. She was a decent enough person. But both her parents where on there 3rd or 4th marriage.

This always bugged me. I mean, I like to think that I learned how to treat my SO by watching how my parents treat each other.
What does that say about her?
Marriage isn’t always going to be fun. What are her coping skills like? Both her parents are on multiple marriages, what does this tell me about her parents views on relationships? When the going gets tough the tough get gone?

These were questions that were never far from the front of my mind the time I was dating her. The relationship didn’t work out.

I am married now and expect my first kid in the next month.
My wifes parents where married all there lives (her Mother died 2 years ago).
In my opinion, he’s right. I thought the sun rose and set with my ex but her family was a fucking mess. In the end I found out she was too, but worse.

This only works if you spend a LOT of time figuring out what you’ve learned that is fucked up, and a LOT more time learning how to not do that anymore. Hell, a lot of people have issues they don’t even know about until after they’re married with kids, because nothing ever triggered those issues before.

This mind over matter shit is great in theory, but the mind can only conquer matters it comprehends.

He’s right. You have to make your own decision but let me be very clear. The probability of him having problems is very very high. Unless he’s in therapy and takes these problems seriously from the beginning, he’ll probably end up going through a lot of suffering (And cause a lot of suffer) and other issues.

It’s not always best to listen to family, but if you trust your father and if you two have a strong relationship, I would take his advice very seriously when weighing your decision.

x BILLION

my mom always tells me that… and with the situations I see with my married friends, its very very true unfortunately.
I agree with Daneeyah. How you get along with your partners parents (Or how they treat their daughter or son) is a serious reflection of what the future holds.

If you don’t get along at all, you’re relationship will "probably" fail, but again, I’m not psychic, so you have to make the choice.
Could be true, but there are always exceptions to everything.
If you have a messed up family you’re not doomed to becoming messed up yourself.

just because it’s difficult does not mean it’s impossible. i do not advocate "throwing in the towel" in these scenarios just because it’s difficult, will take time, and possibly require the help of others.

that’s why those that are truly motivated to change, do and those that are mostly talk, don’t.
"whoa is me?" Don’t you mean Woe?

Sorry, I’m nitpicking. I’m curious what problems her family is loaded with. Have you seen any of these traits in her? Are you prepared to cope with her family to be with this person?
In the honeymoon infatuation phase, everyone’s willing to cope with insanity.

True. Guess I should have specified coping long term. Sometimes it’s ok, at first, then you just can’t take it anymore.

I was being facetious

I’m dating the girl and convinced her to cut off all contact with her family. WIN

And judging somebody by other people’s actions is just ridiculous . My gf realized just how fucked up of a person her mother was and decided early on she didn’t want to be like her. She’s one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. Her mom on the other hand I would have no problem killing if murder was legal. Of course there’s times she acts like her mother but what do you expect after 18 years of continuous brainwashing? She’s gotten a lot better since I first met her. The key is cutting off the cancerous tumor (the dysfunctional family).

I think you should buy a lottery ticket.
there isnt an answer for the question you are asking, it all reaqlly really really depends on what kind of issues you are referring to.

however enduring family discord can lead to pathopsychological issues…

I never said to throw in the towel. I said you can’t solve issues until you know they exist.

true, but i feel most people have a general understanding of what’s wrong with them or what they would like to change. seeking help can make them realize those areas that need fixing. you don’t need to know the exact issue before you seek help. however, i do agree that you need to know what the exact issue is so that you can have a plan of attack and actually correct it. if not, you’re just swinging blindly.

katt_85,

it is woe, haha, i think i’ve been using "whoa" for a while now. thanks for catching that.
dont get married, than you wont get involved family issues
Dr. Cox: You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy 26-year-old doctor who keeps whining about how horrible his father was.

J.D.: Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so…

Dr. Cox: Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage, and from what I’ve heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you’re lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I’m sure you’ll understand. But for now, believe me when I tell you I wouldn’t care if this was the first time you ever met your daddy. Because, in reality… well, he could have done a much, much worse job.

realize, you are here, you are making it, maybe struggling, but you are making it in some manner, you are a individual who can use a computer, and more importantly, know how to find support groups… that’s much better than many. so do our parents do some amount of damage? yes, do all parents? yes.

Shut the fuck up. There is growing up in a household not getting everything you want, which is perfectly normal. And there is growing up in household where:
a) domestic violence is occurring on a daily basis
b) children are being psychologically abused
c) children are being emotionally abused
d) children are witnessing substance abuse
e) children are experiencing sexual abuse

Just shut the fuck up.

You’re right, but we all could do without that type of cursing in response. I realize you’re angry but we’re here to share our experience and we’re all limited in providing others help, but he was clearly trying to help.

the OP never mentioned any of us… you are taking one extreme, i am taking the other. not everyone considers family problems molestation, and abuse… just like not every family problem is medial and juvenile. i was merely giving another prospective to him that if he loves this girl, than messed up parents doesn’t mean messed up life for him.
I’ve seen it happen way too many times. I find it happens more with females as they’re more easily lead by their family than males. Hopefully I don’t turn out like any of my fam
It’s not a hard and fast rule that any of us will grow up to be like our parent(s). My parents are pretty screwed up and while I have inherited some of their flaws (my mom’s idealistic thinking comes to mind..that ruined a relationship for me and surely will impede every one going forward) but I dodged some others (wild mood swings).

My ex-girlfriend was shallow and wasn’t terribly bright . I attributed this to her being two years younger than me at first. Part of what helped me realize that she wouldn’t "outgrow" her stupidity was that her parents were exactly the same.

While the problems that you’re alluding to with your SO are probably more serious than him/her being – to put it succinctly – dumb; I think that you need to try and identify common patterns in behavior between her and her parents.

She’s not automatically on course to turn into her parents. In my case, I realized the issues that my parents have at an early age and distanced myself from them emotionally over time. If your gf is tight with her parents (I am NOT at all saying that it is inherently bad to be close with your parents) then you might have an issue.
Oh, and as for more serious problems:

My friend’s longtime gf has two older brothers who are both heroin addicts.

She’s a nice girl. So, there you go.
i dunno

my dad was an abusive alcoholic who had a bad coke habit

my mom was a psychotic who had a 5 second attention span

i turned out as crazy as they come

my ex had a perfect family…

loving caring over protective mother

loyal and hardworking father

my ex was crazier than i

who knows
I think the problems aren’t usually obvious. In-fact children who grow up around messed up parents have to learn their behavior from someone. That’s really way it comes down to, whether the child mirrors the parent or someone else in the environment who isn’t "messed up."

Children can’t help who they model after, and my belief is that as adults they often can’t help being unstable either. Getting help as adults is incredibly hard because they don’t really know something is wrong, because their entire character and sense of self is entirely bound to "messed up" parents.

It’s like someone trying to take your legs or arms. It is the rare exception in my experience that a child comes from truly messed up parents and comes out ok. In-fact it’s so rare that I’ve never seen it. Those who I have seen "claim" they were ok, even though their parents were messed up, were just better at hiding it, which is exactly what their parents did until behind closed doors.

Someone who is very adept can see the subtle signs and usually tell when someone has very serious issues which are being masked behind a facade.

I also believe relationships, both friends and lover, is a very good mirror to tell just how dysfunctional someone is as a result of their parents. You attract what you are. And many of the smartest, nicest, healthiest appearing people often having abusive boyfriends/girlfriends, friends who steal, drugs, prison, lie. The list goes on. In other words, you can tell a lot about the "stable appearing" one by the one who they attract, which is usually outwardly dysfunctional.

Just my opinion and experience.
It depends what kind of problems the family had imo. I had a very abusive childhood and it hasnt made me the best person in the world. Some things are just hard coded into you from a very young age. One of the main reasons why im afraid to get involved with someone.

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