Can’t sleep

I seem to have reached my stress threshold yet again. It’s 1:15 in the morning and I can’t sleep. Of course, I went the route of self-medication and drank a bit of scotch but I forgot that I hadn’t drank in a while and that it would only put me in a depressive mood. What keeps me up? A combination of things.

First of all, I’m really stressed from work. I am a software engineer at a startup company at which I started in January, this is my first job since coming out of university. For some reason, I’m the only person remotely qualified in some aspects. For some reason, I’ve also been eager to take up as much responsibility as possible which means that 4 months later, I end up with some important responsibilities for which I am only remotely qualified and I keep hitting walls and encountering problems.

Second of all, I got dumped by my girlfriend about 2 weeks ago. She basically thinks that I’m really fun to hang out with but thinks it was a mistake to go further. That did wonders for my self-esteem.

Third of all, I just started studying for my masters part-time right tonight. It’s a ton of work, and I don’t know if I can make it. Notwithstanding that it’s probably the worst way to relax before going to bed.

Fourth of all, I’ve restarted going to the gym. And for some reason, going to the gym makes it harder for me to sleep. I go in the morning, and for some reason it makes me way more awake the entire day, up to and including all the following night.

Fifth of all, I think there’s now fleas in my apartment, I keep getting bitten, and I’m now staying awake in anticipation of being bitten. Stupid nasty neighbors. Gotta find a new place.

And worst of all, I’m isolated and emotionally starved. My only real friend was my girlfriend and I feel betrayed by the way she left me. My other friends are only draining me.

and nope, haven’t had caffeine in a long while. I’m way too stressed naturally already.

In the past, I’ve experienced numerous depressions, and I now recognize that being unable to sleep is the first step to getting much worst and plunging into a depression. I need to alleviate the stress and start sleeping again.

Did I mention that I’m a total underdog story? My dad was a drunk and violent man who left us when I was around 10. We barely lived on welfare and were indoctrinated by this awful sect that my mom got from her father that kept us isolated. I was always beaten in school and nearly conceded to accepting my faith as a member of this sect and quitting school. However, my older sister had a rebellious streak and decided that me and her would leave together and go to College. It seems that I’ve spent the last few years of my life trying to undo the damage that I sustained as a child, but I always seem to fall back. I’ve now got a job as a software engineer, make 50,000 dollars a year, found a job for my sister but I still need to deal with all my other problems and I don’t know where to start. I seriously don’t know what to do.

I need guidance.
Try seeking advice from a psychologist / psychiatrist. There may be some meds that will help you out with your problems (especially the sleeping). I recently had a girl leave me as well in a very harsh manner might I add and the worst thing was she was probably the one I cared for the most – just but remember it all passes eventually.

I didn’t believe in medications about 5-6 years ago when I really could have used them so I never took the plunge until recently. I pretty much self diagnosed myself to have ADD and general anxiety disorder. Once I started the meds they made such a difference in my life in such a short period. I can function just like I used to when I could be considered ‘normal’. No more anxiety and opting to stay away from social gatherings in fear of panic attacks, ect. Thoughts that used to loom in the back of my mind receded and I have a lot more confidence. Once you gain more confidence i’m sure you’ll start going out more and forming new relationships.

While your case may be a little different, seriously just attempt to seek some professional advice / help.

As for the problem at work, just let your boss or supervisor know how you feel on the subject. I know its always nice to try and make good impressions but try not to overburden yourself. Don’t be scared to bring up your feelings to the higher ups and unless they are total pricks they should be very understanding and accommodate your needs.

Remember always look forward, not behind. Don’t dwell on the past – its long and gone. Each new day brings opportunities to better your life and the lives of those around you.

All the best to you.

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