Men, women, nest-exits

did you drop out of contact with your mother when you when to college?

I was just feeling bad for the first time recently because I guess I have a sense I neglected her while I was away at school. Basically I would talk to her once in a blue moon but it went from seeing her every day (living in the same home) to phone conversations once every two months, and only seeing her in person on the off vacation.

Now that I’m out of school I’m seeing more of her, of course.


Is this about typical? Is there a difference for girls and guys? I ask the last question because I noticed my little sister stayed in contact with my mom a lot more than I did. My mom told my sister, "I guess boys are just different from girls in that way," which was relayed to me. So I was wondering if that was true.
Nope, my mom and I have a ridiculously strong bond that can never be broken. She’s pretty much my best friend. Even when I went away for college we talked probably once a day.

I think it’s usually easier to say that girls bond with their mothers more or it’s more "understandable" that they would keep in contact with them more often…but if you just flat out lose touch and/or don’t want to speak with her that’s a whole different story.

My bf never calls his mom. He only talks to her when she calls, which is probably once every 3 weeks. Even then he’ll make it quick and he’ll visit her maybe once a month. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to bond with her and it’s not even an issue of him not loving her or anything like that, he just doesn’t care; he’s not very close to his parents.

I just didn’t care. Now I’m losing my father, and I’m in love with someone whose mother passed away. I see the effects that her mom’s death had on her, and continue to have on her. After all of that I think it just hit home how much I took for granted.

I just didn’t care. Now I’m losing my father, and I’m in love with someone whose mother passed away. I see the effects that her mom’s death had on her, and continue to have on her. After all of that I think it just hit home how much I took for granted.

Yep. Having a lot of death in my life myself it always upsets me how much people take their family for granted.

Now of course I’ve heard of some horrible families so I can understand when some people just don’t get along with their parents…but when they refuse to even be civil or try to make things right it just saddens me. But nothing is worse IMO than people who have perfectly great parents and they just blow them off. They rebel for no reason and don’t appreciate everything their ‘rents have possibly done for them.

I admit I don’t love my father even an 1/8 as much as I love my mother, and yes he angers me with his actions from time to time…but I still love him and I still stay completely civil with him because I know one day when he’s gone I will be upset.
I guess it depends on how the relationship with your parents is before you leave home, male or female.
I’m one that has called my mom at least once a week religiously, usually email every day . My husband talks to his parents usually every day now that we’re more *mature* (aka 30something), but used to go months without any contact. He and his parents weren’t very close before we had our son, now we can’t get rid of them.
I really don’t talk to my parents while I’m at the University. I still live at home over breaks so I see them every few months. I don’t have a strong relationship with my parents though, especially my mother. But this is normal in my family, my mom doesn’t speak with her mother more than once every few months or at holidays.

what gender are you?
I’m female, and I talk to my parents (mostly my mom) every few days usually by email and sometimes by phone. We (the bf and I) also go over to their house for dinner every other sunday. We see his parents/family on the alternating sundays.
When I was away at school/living out of town I talked to my parents about once a week, on sundays (see a pattern? ) for about 45 min or so, and maybe once during the week if something exciting had happend or they wanted to tell me something or vice virsa.
My brother, on the other hand (who lives out of town now), ONLY talks to my parents on sundays for about 10 min and rarely, if ever, talks to them other than that (only in emergencies). When he was living closer he would join us on sundays for dinner, but even then rarely talked to them on the phone/emailed during the week.
I’m pretty close to my parents, neither one in particular though, but my mom is more of a "talker" than my dad so I guess thats why I end up talking to her more, though I often get "Daddy said to tell you…" from her and relay messages back. Obviously in my family we have this talk(or visit)-on-sundays habit, I guess thats from my dads family who still to this day still calls my grandma every sunday. My uncles (his brothers) do the same thing…
Sometimes in college I would go a week or two without talking to my parents. We would email each other, tho.

Then toward the end of college and after I graduated and started working I would call my parents a lot more. My parents are smart and I had questions about stuff. I lived about an hour away and I would come visit at least once a month.

Now I’m 27 and I talk to my parents a lot. At least a few times a week. Sometimes I’ll call and ask them stuff, and sometimes we’ll just email each other.

20 year old female
When I was away in the Marines, I would only talk to my Mom if she called, which wasn’t often. I never put out the effort to call her first.

Like others have said, it didn’t have any meaning behind it, I just really didn’t care. It became a problem whenever I came home and she started lashing out at me for not coming around much. Now, I come around even less. When I do, it’s almost unbearable. I still don’t care.

And perhaps an age difference too? I’ve gone through different where I’ve talked to them a lot, a little, and back and forth. I also think it might have something to do with your proximity to your parents – like if you live in the same city as them or not.
I spoke to my mom and dad every other week or so while I was at college. I speak to them more now that I’m half-way across the country (1-2x a week). I’m a bit closer to my mom than my dad due to events that have happened over the last few years.

24/m.
My boyfriend is going through something similar.. The first year of college his parents basically ignored him but now they are trying to bring him back home.. it’s really weird. It’s like they saw that he was becoming his own person and pulling away (either consciously or not) and didn’t like it so now they are trying to change things.

I make no sense, but I think it’s kinda normal.

did you drop out of contact with your mother when you when to college?

I was just feeling bad for the first time recently because I guess I have a sense I neglected her while I was away at school. Basically I would talk to her once in a blue moon but it went from seeing her every day (living in the same home) to phone conversations once every two months, and only seeing her in person on the off vacation.

Now that I’m out of school I’m seeing more of her, of course.

Is this about typical? Is there a difference for girls and guys? I ask the last question because I noticed my little sister stayed in contact with my mom a lot more than I did. My mom told my sister, "I guess boys are just different from girls in that way," which was relayed to me. So I was wondering if that was true.

i never had much contact with my mom when i lived at home. when i moved there really wasnt much of a difference other than her calling me on weekends to make sure i was still alive

my sister and brother both stay in touch with my mom and other family members. i just dont see them as anything special. lot to do with abuse from them growing up though more than anything. i was the weird kid in the family and everyone made fun of me for it so i guess when i grew up i developed a fuck it attitude towards all of them.

now that i’m older i try to get closer to my mother but she’s so ADHD you can’t have a conversation with her because every 30 seconds she’s distracted and forgets she’s even talking to you. one time i was on the couch crying my eyes out talking to her about stuff and she gets up and starts playing with the dog and forgot i was even there

i had a closer relationship with my ex’s family than my own. it’s pretty sad but ever since we broke up it’s like i lost the people i loved the most. i didn’t just lose my ex i lost the mother/father i wish i had… the siblings i wish i had… the grandma i wish i had… i swear her family was so amazing to me
When I was in college, I called my mother every day, but her and I have a really strong best friend type of relationship. I still call her pretty much every day now, and see her every weekend just about. My brother rarely calls my mother, it’s usually a blue moon when he does.
I got along much better with my mother after I left home. We stopped fighting as much when we got out of each other’s space, and we sorta started building a relationship. I ended that when I moved suddenly out of state with no warning in the middle of the night, but hey. What can you do.
I’m a male and i almost never talk to anyone in my family. My sister and brother do it every week thought, my sister abit more often than my brother.

But nothing is worse IMO than people who have perfectly great parents and they just blow them off. They rebel for no reason and don’t appreciate everything their ‘rents have possibly done for them.

I agree. I think you are entitled however to not stay in touch if that’s what you want for whatever reason.
Even if it is a "gender thing," is that any excuse?

In which direction are you asking that question?

"Is that an excuse to cling to your parents?", or

"Is that an excuse to be detached from your parents?"

At any rate the answer is, "No," to either question.

You need an excuse for coming to class late. You don’t need an excuse for leading your life a certain way.

In which direction are you asking that question?

"Is that an excuse to cling to your parents?", or

"Is that an excuse to be detached from your parents?"

At any rate the answer is, "No," to either question.

You need an excuse for coming to class late. You don’t need an excuse for leading your life a certain way.

Sorry, I meant even if it is a "gender thing" does that make it a valid excuse that guys use so they don’t have to stay close to their parents?

And you answered it, but I’d like to see if others feel that way as well.

Sorry, I meant even if it is a "gender thing" does that make it a valid excuse that guys use so they don’t have to stay close to their parents?
And you answered it, but I’d like to see if others feel that way as well.

I dont think not staying close to your parents is a bad thing, so I dont think someone needs an "excuse" not to – its just something some people do and some people dont.

You dont have to talk to your parents all the time to "show them you appreciate them" – there are lots of other ways to do this and I’d bet that many people who do think they have great parents show it in different ways.

Just because you and your parents show your concern/appreciation for each other by talking/keeping in close contact doesnt mean that everyone does, or those that dont are "bad".

You need an excuse for coming to class late. You don’t need an excuse for leading your life a certain way.

.

I don’t see there being anything wrong with not staying in contact with your parents.
May be abit ungrateful and impolite in lack of better words but there is nothing wrong with it so i don’t see why you need an excuse for it.
My mom was my best friend…
4 years ago, I moved in on my own when her and my dad decided to move to Florida.
2 months after I moved into my condo, she dropped dead from a brain aneurysm in my condo when she was by herself (she wanted to be a good mom and do my cleaning for me, I asked her not to).
Yeah, that was my nest-exit
I was only close to my parents when I was a kid. When I went to college, I went home once a month and other than that, we didn’t talk much on the phone or in emails. And then I only came home once every 6 months after school was finished, until an opportunity brought me back home. Now I live with them again and we still don’t talk. Everytime I see my mom she nags me about something, so I try not to see her at all during the day. She just can’t have a conversation with me without nagging. She obviously knows that it’s wrong because she doesn’t do it when I have friends over. So I don’t understand why she can’t just stfu.

I dont think not staying close to your parents is a bad thing, so I dont think someone needs an "excuse" not to – its just something some people do and some people dont.

You dont have to talk to your parents all the time to "show them you appreciate them" – there are lots of other ways to do this and I’d bet that many people who do think they have great parents show it in different ways.

Just because you and your parents show your concern/appreciation for each other by talking/keeping in close contact doesnt mean that everyone does, or those that dont are "bad".

I don’t see there being anything wrong with not staying in contact with your parents.

May be abit ungrateful and impolite in lack of better words but there is nothing wrong with it so i don’t see why you need an excuse for it.

Well I never really meant is it a "bad" thing, just simply do you think it’s a valid excuse to think, "well I’m/he’s a guy, so naturally he doesn’t have to be close to his parents!"

For example, my bf rarely keeps in touch with his parents. It’s not that they’ve done anything wrong to him, in fact they were good parents, just not very emotional with him. They only live 45 minutes away from one another but yet they barely ever even speak on the phone, let alone see each other. Now I recognize it’s his life and I certainly don’t push him to see them…but at the same time it makes me a little sad inside that he doesn’t even care to have any kind of relationship with them.

Well I never really meant is it a "bad" thing, just simply do you think it’s a valid excuse to think, "well I’m/he’s a guy, so naturally he doesn’t have to be close to his parents!"

For example, my bf rarely keeps in touch with his parents. It’s not that they’ve done anything wrong to him, in fact they were good parents, just not very emotional with him. They only live 45 minutes away from one another but yet they barely ever even speak on the phone, let alone see each other. Now I recognize it’s his life and I certainly don’t push him to see them…but at the same time it makes me a little sad inside that he doesn’t even care to have any kind of relationship with them.

I’m alot the same as your bf then, they are/were quite good parents, but i did not have any emotional bond with them and they were somewhat negative. Which is one of the reasons i don’t talk to them anymore, it’s not that they are bad persons or abusive. They just aren’t very positive and encouraging.

I think one of the reasons why guys don’t keep in touch as often with their parents
as girls do is because they don’t often develop the same emotional bond to their parents, specially to their mother. For example, i could never even imagine to see my mother as a friend, if that makes sense.

It may also be the way men are, we are conditioned to not be all emotional, some immature men (*looks away*) absolutely hate to ask for help etc.
Last night that ad came on (tv) where the women are all fainting because their son called them on mothers day.

I told my husband that the ad bugged me (trying to put my finger on why – I think it’s the antiquated "hysteria" model). He told me that when our sons go to college that I had better get used to calling them if I want to be in touch. That’s fine, I hope they aren’t in a rush to get off the phone every time.

My father, on the other hand, thinks that it is the child’s DUTY to phone the parents often. And I call him about once a week. When my mom was alive, I spoke to her almost daily. What’s the difference? My mom would be happy to chat about mundane subjects, my dad just runs down his datebook contents. Ironically, we have a lot to talk about re: interpersonal matters and the stilted relationship that my family has with his wife, but he’s not interested in that sort of discussion (or is incapable of it.)
Even if you don’t have a strong emotional bond with your parents, you should at least call them once in a while just to make sure they’re doing okay and are still alive. It means a lot to them when you call too.

I’m female and I admit that as a teen, I didn’t care so much but now that I am in my late twenties and I’ve gone through some trials/tribulations, I’ve realized how important family is and the fact that some day, they may not be around anymore. I try not to take people for granted.

Even if you don’t have a strong emotional bond with your parents, you should at least call them once in a while just to make sure they’re doing okay and are still alive. It means a lot to them when you call too.

I’m female and I admit that as a teen, I didn’t care so much but now that I am in my late twenties and I’ve gone through some trials/tribulations, I’ve realized how important family is and the fact that some day, they may not be around anymore. I try not to take people for granted.

I disagree. It’s nice if you do it, but it’s not a should.

how are you still … um. you are a very stubborn young woman.

how is this a situation where it makes sense to speak of excusing yourself
When I went to college, I spoke with my family about as much as most guys on here have done…..which was not much. My mom had to make the initative to call me. I had no problems talking to her, but never felt the urge to call her and "shoot the shit." Call it gender oriented or whatever. Most girls I know, including my girlfriend, speak with their mom/dad about once a day to once a week. None of my guy friends actively call their parents and all act similar to me. Only thing I can attribute this to is the more general desire for males to be more independant than females. Its not intended to be insulting or "disowning", it just never crosses my mind. BTW, yes, I do have a great relationship with my parents.

I’m alot the same as your bf then, they are/were quite good parents, but i did not have any emotional bond with them and they were somewhat negative. Which is one of the reasons i don’t talk to them anymore, it’s not that they are bad persons or abusive. They just aren’t very positive and encouraging.

I think one of the reasons why guys don’t keep in touch as often with their parents
as girls do is because they don’t often develop the same emotional bond to their parents, specially to their mother. For example, i could never even imagine to see my mother as a friend, if that makes sense.

It may also be the way men are, we are conditioned to not be all emotional, some immature men (*looks away*) absolutely hate to ask for help etc.

Well put.
my mom passed away right before i went away to college, otherwise i would have spoken to her every day

because my mom passed away, i realized how short our time is here, and i made an effort to communicate with my dad everyday. he found that in college i was on IM, so he signed up. we still talk on IM every day and random times on the weekends even though i have been out of college for 3 years now.

I was raised w/very strong family values so it’s hard for me to understand people who don’t keep in touch with their parents at all or the ones who only call when they need something like money because in my opinion, a part of caring for your loved ones include keeping in touch with them and showing concern. I could certainly understand if the parents aren’t exactly good people or they’re just very difficult to deal with. Otherwise, I just don’t understand how you can honestly say you love someone but you go for months w/out talking, not caring or wanting to knwo how they’re doing and what is going on with them.

I guess having lost loved ones has also influenced my perspective on this issue.
I have gone through times when I didn’t want as much parental involvement in my life but I’m so thankful my parents were there for me. When I was in my 20s, I hurt my mom’s feelings a lot and she was really worried about me as she watched me struggle to find my way.

Thankfully, she never gave me ultimatums or deadlines. She just loved me and tried to help me help myself. Without her, I’m actually quite scared of where I would have ended up. I didn’t even move out of the house till 23 or so and my brothers and sister were giving her all sorts of shit about that. She didn’t care and didn’t listen to them. She followed her heart and just enjoyed our time living together. Thank God for that because I was way too immature to support myself back then.

Both my dad and step dad have passed away but my mom is thankfully still here and in very good health. She’s wonderful and living a full life of her own (book club, bridge club, church and all sorts of other things). We joke about getting together and I’ll say, "Have your people call my people to set up a lunch."

We talk whenever we feel the need but we always try to touch base at a minimum of once a week. We also have a thing where we spend every Sunday night hanging out. She cooks, I clean and then we watch TV or a movie or just talk till I need to go home and to bed.

It’s a friggin awesome relationship and I wish more people could experience this. It’s not perfect by any means and often we piss each other off. But we love each other and don’t ever go to the really hurtful things. Yes we fight but we keep in mind the respect and love we have for each other and that helps us stay civil.

One of my brothers simply can’t stand being around her because he just keeps holding on to all this imagined hurt that she supposedly caused him. It’s his loss because he’s missing out on a wonderful woman.

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