the story of my marriage (yep, long, no cliffs)

my marriage is coming to an end, and i never thought id post a thread like this in my life, but here it is. im sure it will be long, and im sure there will be no cliffs. dont worry, im not obligating any one to promise to read it.

so i met my wife in november of 2004. i had just broken up with the last in a string of asian chicks (all filipinos, actually). i had seen [ill just say wife] around my apartments from time to time, mostly in the parking lot going to or from her apartment (which i didnt know which one it was, it was out of my view). eventually, i ran into her at the mailboxes. i thought he had a man (as i had seen her driving more than one vehicle, and was sure i had seen her coming or going with someone), but i didnt care that day. as i said, i was just off an asian, and felt like hitting on someone. she was happy to flirt back, and we parted from the mailboxes.

some time passed, and i think it was about january when i finally saw her again. this time, we met at the laundry. i forgot something i needed, and asked if she wouldnt mind watching my stuff for me while i ran back to my apartment. she readily agreed, and when i came back, we had quite a long bit of conversation.

a bit more time passed, and soon i saw her outside cleaning out her car. hmm…. there are 2 kids with her… not good…. but since i already had some raport built up with her, i went over anyway (maybe i was obliged, since i was back from cleaning my own truck anyway). turned out, the older kid was her little brother, but the 16 month old was her son. cute kid too. ok, not bad, i thought. so i asked got her number, and soon we made plans. this would have been february, and we went out to dinner saturday, the saturday after valentines day.

by march, we were a couple. turns out, she admits that the mailbox, agreeing to watch my stuff in the laundry, and cleaning her car were all contrived by her for opportunities to talk to me. apparently, i was "the cute guy with the awesome red truck" in the apartments, and she cant believe shes here, with me. thumbs up, so far.

so, some funny things that a white man learns about hispanic women. 1) apparently, many of them prefer to sleep in same bed as their children.

so time passes, and im thinking about asking her to to get married. shes smarter than any of the other women ive dated. she was done with her crazy partying all the time, and she was much more mature (thru the terrible loss of her first son, killed by another man she was with at the time, this was many years before she and i met) to the ways of the world. she just didnt seem naive.

so i was ready to buy a ring, but my yearly camping trip vacation was here. i was on my way out of town, and she called me crying. she had just wrecked her car. i was about 40 miles away, sitting in outbound dallas traffic, but i turned around immediately, and came to her aid. her car was mangled on the front, but were able to drive it home.

i was already in love with her by this point. instead of vacation that day, after i got her home to my apartment, i left for a while, and went and found a diamond ring, and spend my vacation money on that. i bought it back home and proposed to her, and she accepted on the spot.

as i recall these details from a few years ago, i cannot remember if i already knew this other VERY important detail, but when she told me, it didnt matter, i was already 100% committed to her and her son. but as i said, i dont remember if i already knew, or if she told me this day, or soon after, that she was an illegal immigrant. she was brought here when she was 5, and has lived here, gone to school here, had children, and fallen in love here. 18 years, here illegally. as i said, this wasnt an issue for me. i did realize what a challence it would be to overcome this, but i was committed.

so, late 2005, we got married. we honeymooned in san antonio in a posh honeymoon suite over looking the riverwalk. we got back to dallas, life was grand. we had upgraded to a larger apartment, which we painted together right before we moved in. her son now had his own room, because i kind of imposed a ‘white-people-tradition’ on her.. that kids dont sleep in momm and daddys bed. it didnt seem to be a problem.

a few months into it, we finally reach our first test. we were piss poor, but her mom was having some sickness that wasnt going away in a normal amount of time. her deadbeat husband apparently wasnt giving her money to go to a doctor. we had a few hundred bucks put back, and i loved her mother dearly, and would not have denied her our gift. but i was silently outraged that her moms husband was refusing to take care of his responsibility. why were we to be forced to do his duty? this was causing a rift between my wife and i, because i was questioning her mom’s husbands duty, and that taking care of this in his place was going to put an undue financial burden on us, when this clearly should be resting on another responsible party. in the end, her moms husband stepped up and did the right thing. my wife and i got thru it, and i think (i hope) she learned that my first loyalty is to her and her son and our security, and then to anyone else who needs our assistance. and the whole thing was not that i wasnt willing to take care of her mom, but that this burden really should have fallen to someone else. anyway, we got thru that.

more time passes, im making more money, and i upgrade us again from our 800 square foot apartment, to one that is 1400, and in a really nice part of town. we originally both lived in the a ghetto part of town, mostly hispanics, some blacks, but a fiarly low income area. by the time we moved, i was carrying my pistol around with me when i walked around at night, and thats not right i decided. so i moved us to a totally pimp apartment on the other side of town. life was good.

so, im a full time systems administrator. i have a lot of computers, and this was nothing new to my wife, since the first day she visited me. i do spent a good bit of time at the computer when im home. rarely playing games, but 95% of the time im working on skills that i can turn around and market back to my clients. not long after we moved to our new huge apartment, i was promoted at work. the funds that were being used to pay for our apartment, were now covered by my higher income, and more budget opened up. about a year after that, i also opened up my own consulting business, and started taking jobs on weekends, and weeknights. our income sored from about 65K, to 100K. almost all our debts were paid, and we dreamed of owning our own house.

between all that, were vacations, trips to my parents house for holidays, huge hispanic birthday parties (both at hour house, and attending at her million family members). life was just generally good.

but about 18 months ago, we finally hit a snag. she was tired of the time i spent on the computer. she was probably right, im sure it was getting to be 3-4 hours a week night. but my consulting business was really taking off, and i was working my ass off to pay for this lavish lifestyle that. anyway, she was apparently ready to leave me, but at the last moment she changed her mind. she didnt tell me exactly what was wrong, but that it had something to do with how much time i spent on the computer. oh well, general-explanation was all i got. i curtailed my computer time right there, cold turkey.

over the next few months, when i would head to the computer room, she would say "… there he goes… to that computer again!" to which i would show visible intent to not go there if she really needed or wanted me to do something else, but it was always "nah, im just joking baby, you can do some computer a while, ill call for you when my spanish soaps finish". hindsight 20-20, this was probably a hint… but i dont deal in hints. i say what i mean and i mean what i say, and i suppose i expected my wife to do the same.

so more time passes. weve been talking about having a baby during 2007, and in october, we were visiting my parents house in houston. we sat in my old bedroom, and had a very intimate talk about our year, getting over that problem we had, and how that if we always communicate and work together, there will be no problem we cant ever get thru. we were both on the same page, and decided that january of 2008 we would start trying to have a baby. we were both sure we were as solid as can be.

so by now, we pretty much have our routines.

monday-friday, leave at 715am, drop son at school, i drop her at her job, and i work until 415. at whch time i drive to pick her up, and then to school to pick up son. get home about 515. cartoons for son while either make love or prepare dinner. after dinner (heh, sometimes frozen or ordering pizza!), bathtime for son. after bath, she would sit down to spanish tv. i dont speak a lick of spanish, so that was my time to head to the computer room. there he goes on that computer again.

weekends, we would usually get up early on saturday, and by about 9am i would drive her and son over to her moms, to spend the day doing whatever it is they do. they would sometimes go shop, sometimes go visit other realatives, etc etc. she rarely asked me to come along, so i would usually go back home and nap in the silence, or tinker on the computer or my classic pickup truck.

sundays, we would usually go to church, and get home and relax. last few months we would work intrips to chuckecheeses or trips to the park, or other things we could do as a family. she of course has her hobbies too, scrapbooking and other artsy things like that.

but in january of 2008, she starts going on these emotional up and downs. shes ready to leave, shes totally in love. shes ready to leave, shes totally in love. she’s also been text messaging alot lately with an old highschool friend, who he liked her when they were young, but nothing ever happened becuase they always had others. they were just friends now, and i never had a reason before to not trust my wife. mistake? *shrug*

so first quarter of 08 my wife just starts all this strange behavior. she wants me to change to one of these real cheap cell services here in town. she wants to go to the old clubs she used to go to , with her girl friends. she feels trapped and restrained becuase she doesnt have her own car to drive anymore.

oh yeah… a quick story about the car. she was ticketed for no drivers license, no insurance. $465. her car was wrecked, we sold the hulk for $1000, but we still owed like $3600 on it. Texas surcharched her 2 tickets 3 more times, so by the time that was all done, we were out $4400 bucks, and her car was a write off. more on this later.

so finally, end of march, she comes back, and shes sure that shes in love, and being with me is the best place for her to be, and that im the only man who has never beaten her, never mistreated her, and has taken real and honest care of her. she said ‘im ready to have a baby with you’

but i hit the brakes right there. im too level headed to bring a child into this world with the uncertainty our relationship has displayed recently. i told her, that now im the one who needs time. i need to observe her and see at least a month (really more, but i said month to make it easier) go by of no more of these up and downs. and no, it wasnt her period doing it, as it happened like 4 times in 2 months. it was a real emotional rollercoaster for me, and it was so draining. my coworkers could see my exhaustion.

so speaking of odd behaviors of my wife, she had started getting on the internet more and more. i had been telling her, "that you have to watch out with people on the net. they are usually misrepresented, and are usually there in a predatory mode. just as long as you understand that you cant trust people, and as long as you dont do something to dishonor me or our marriage, i have no problem with you enjoying and using the internet". or something along those lines, like im not going to watch over you every little thing you do. i trusted her, out of love.

getting thru march, its time to renew our lease on our apartment. we agreed, that we would do one more lease, and use the time to save up downpayment on a house. that summer of 2009, we would finally have our dream, and hopefully a child would be arriving soon after that. so the 31st of march, i signed us a new 14 month lease, in our $1250 a month apartment. 31st of march… remember that for in a bit.

april rolls around, shes been getting more and more distant. ive really been making effort to take her out on dates, shopping trips, etc etc. financial times have finally gotten better again. we took on some debt in the middle of last year, now was the time that entertainment budget was opening up again. probably from march to the end of april, i spent $2500 on going out, gifts, family outings, (and stuff for son too). basically, the things i had promised, were coming to fruition.

but things were still not going well. for the month of april, the possilbility of seperation keeps coming up in conversation. if it happened, would we do it as friends and not enemies? i was not keen on the idea at all, and usually i would counter with if you could even ask if were going to be friends or enemies, surely you must be thinking about it already. she never said one way or the other. i continued my devotion to her, however skeptical these bits of conversation were making me. we were making more and more time alone (with son at baby sitter) so we could work on being in love again, and the first friday of may, we had a really really really good date. best, most romantic weve had together in months. but even while we were out, she was still worried that if something happened, that i would hate her. i kept telling her that thinking like that is defeatist, and that we should be working on the here and now.

that friday night we got home to our apartment really late, and we fell into bed together, naked, in each others arms. both exhausted, we went right to sleep. we woke up in the moring, and went straight to pick up son. i confided in her that i wished we had made love the night before, that i really needed her touch badly at that time. our sex life has never been unpleasureable, but lately, ive really felt a lack of affection from her. the glass had been pretty empty lately, and that night, the time would have been right for romantic love. either way, im not a sexaholic, and i felt that just going to sleep was appropriate that night.

saturday the 3rd, we went and spent time with her brother. played basketball at the park, played on the playground with son, yet again, another really good family day. but by the time we got back home again, wife is back in her disparing mood again.

here is another thing. son has been going thru a real disobedient phase lately, both at home and school. hes been a real terror on his teachers. at wifes request, she wants no more spankings (which he really only got for especially horriffic behavior), and wants to change to another method of discipline. i also make some changes in how in interact with son, since i tend to be aggressive when he gets in his "ignore momy and daddy" attitude. i layed off that totally. other things too, i cringe at the way son just eats or spills everything he eats… over the carpet instead of the table. but again, at wifes request, i stopped saying anything about it since she said it was really causing a problem with her. again, this is information im getting, and immediately reacting to in a manner that she says will please her. anyway, sons behavior has been atrocious, but even showing his face to her, she would drop whatever she was doing, and shower him with hugs and kisses. i had been noticing this, and was noting to myself that its been forever since i got anything like that from her.

sunday, i drop her off to visit familiy. typical sunday. im home, doing whatever. that night, she actually calls me to come with the family, they were having a cookout. now that was really REALLY odd, based on how shes been acting towards me lately. she actually WANTS ME???? at first i was happy, but when i arrived, i knew why she called. her mom was there. obviously, she had not talked to her mom one bit about whats going on. at the party, there was a shortage of chairs, and when we shared one, she still sat right ont he edge, 4 inches between us. i actually had to tell her that regardless of whats going on between us, maybe we should act a little but like the couple they expected us to be. that was pretty painful to have to promt her on how to act. at this point, i now know what is up.

that night, she offers herself to me, but i declined. i said that there is too much distance between us right now, and that im unable to make love to her, that i know shes not into it right now. she replied that its a wifes duty to make her body available to her husband. i told her i didnt need her body, i needed her heart. i think that night i went to sleep on the couch, but after a few hours of not being able to sleep, i slipped back into bed (but staying over on my side). this was the first night that we didnt sleep body to body. we ALWAYS slept body to body, and it was fairly painful that we were obviously already seperated.

that morning, not much was said, in the house, or on the way to work. dropped off son, and when we got to her work, i let it out.

"take the car seat, as i wont be home tonight. the apartment is yours until you decide whats going on". i was sheading tears as i said these words, but i felt there was nothing else i could do. ive been to marriage counseling, ive read books on relationships, ive consulted my pastor at church. she came to one counseling session, and read the first 38 pages of one book. nothing else. i was just emotionally exhausted and couldnt take it anymore.

she looked a little in shock that i was doing this, but didnt complain. that afternoon, i went home with a coworker and stayed at his place that night. that was all monday the 5th of may. the next day, i sent her a text message, that i was going by the apartment to pick up shampoo and a few other things i forgot, at lunch time. while i was there, i did something i have never EVER done, the entire time we’ve been married. at a loss of understanding of exactly whats going on here… i searched her computer.

im a professional systems consultant, so it wasnt hard to undelete this and that and bring back the evidence of what she had been doing. since mid march…shes been emailing guys on these social networking sites, with little notes that are less than proper for a married woman. there were 4 or 5 of those little flirty remarks, but then on the tuesday morning… the 2nd day i was gone… she got up early and took some underwear pics and emailed to someone. "these were taken just for you".

i was fucking crushed.

she had allowed me to take pics of her many times, she was so beautiful. i never shared them with anyone, to me, this was just an extension of the intimacy between us. the fact, that she had shared something that was supposed to belong exclusively to me, was a horrific thought to me.

i called the office, and had the locks changed. i had the garage codes changed. i printed out all these emails and such, and waited for the end of the day. i didnt feel quite so bad about changing the locks, becuase after i messaged that i was going home, she said ‘thats fine, im staying at my moms tonight anyway’. so i met her at her office, and asked to speak to her. she looked nervous, and asked do we really have to do this at my work? everyone was already gone anyway, so i said "that inside my truck, no one will have to hear what were talking about".

she gets in, and i ask, "so, red bra and panties today?" she instantly looked like a deer in headlights.

"and who, is [someone]" she was caught. she went into defensive mode, and was fairly argumentative to the fact that i told her i was going back to the apartment to stay, and that she would need to call me ahead of time if she were going to be there.

wednesday, i stayed home from work, pretty much unable to function. i shed many tears that day, just still in shock that my wife would look for fullfillment from other men. even if there was no physical affair, there is still an emotional affair happening.

thursday, i filed for divorce. even on the 29th of march… she knew she was already done with this marriage in the middle of march (that was when the emails started), but still she kept her mouth shut and didnt say anything about me signing a 14 month lease on our apartment. on the 2nd… the day of our wonderful date, she sent an email to someone stating that "her former still doesnt want to believe that its over". so painful. "her former".

so a few days later, she comes by to pick up some stuff. she was very very nervous for me to be there, and pretty much just packed while i watched. i wasnt mean to her or anything, and was trying to just get her to finally talk. she did. she finally lets out whats wrong:

im not fun enough.
im always too serious.
im not paying enough attention to her and son.
shes not free to do what she wants, since she doesnt have a car.

these are the things she would not tell me 18 months ago, but she did give me another chance. now, shes telling me how to make her happy… but shes not willing to try to work it out anymore. what a fucking rip!

i told her that having fun is half her job too. shes allowed to make recommendations on where to go tonight, what to go out and do. but never one word out of her ever.

i told her im sorry, but im a man with responsibility. i have a wife who is an illegal immigrant, and every day i have to live with the fear that she will be picked up and deported. i have a small business to run, as well as a managerial postition at my 9-5 job. we have bills out our ass that have to always be paid on time, and budgets have to be maintained in order to continue to not be called by collectors (i was last called by a collectors over a year before she and i met… due to me being SERIOUS… *shrug*). i am unable to ever be irresponsible.

not paying attention. shes got me there. even tho i dont speak a lick of spanish, i would try to get out of the computer room and try to watch, but sometimes i would just stay in the room until she was done. i know i could have played with son some more, but i was working on that with the other parenting changes i had recently made. those changes were solid for a week now, and while i didnt expect them to make up for how ever many months of unhappiness for her, i did hope they would hold some weight with her. but,they didnt matter as far as she was concerend.

finally, her car. yep, its law in texas that you have drivers license and insurance if you want to drive. she has had the drivers license book forever, and even went as far as getting a permit in late 2005, but it never went any further than that. maybe i should have pushed her harder i dont know, but i also let her be free to be her own person. at any rate, i had made a promise to buy her a vehicle, and that time was coming soon. if she had her license, it would be hers… if she didnt… well then i would have 2. and then we would have a vehicle suitable for our new larger family. but she said that without a car, shes not free to just show up at my office and bring me lunch, or just go out and surprise me with this or that.

also, slightly unrelated, i also never called her during the day at her work. im not a mexican man, and i dont need to call to check up on her every 30 minutes. i wanted her to feel trusted, and wanted her to know that i didnt feel the need to keep her chained down or anything like that. apparently, this other guy friend from highschool… has been doing just that, and he has been "paying attention to her", instead of me. well for fucks sake, i can either trust her unquestionably… or lose her to another man who calls her all the time.

so shes back in some run down apartment, same block as we used to live on actually. i went to her a few days after she got in…. shes got that cheap cell service she begged me for months ago (the same one her friend is on.. now texting is free *rolls eyes*). i told her that id like her to come back, and lets work on this properly. that i can make all this disappear, her new apartment lease, her cellphone contract, everything thats a financial block, and come back home and lets work this out. she wouldnt budge, and asked me to respect her decision for the path shes on.

crushed again, i did. i only brought it up one last time, as she moved out her final boxes, and i said how much i regret filing for divorce. did we really mean for all this to get this out of hand? she said "i dont think so". but she still signed the final decree of divorce, and left. (we did have some time of forgiveness the previous time she was there to pick up boxes, for the things that had gone wrong in our relationship…)

so a few weeks have now passed. i went to the apartment manager, and told her whats going on, and at first, she wouldnt budge on the contract. $6000 to buy out, withouht hurting my credit. damn these texas housing contracts. however, a few days later, she comes back, and says that even tho shes not authorized by her boss, shes going to change my least to end on july 31, not sept 09. thank god!!! she didnt even change my rent rate to month-to-month. holy cow, thats a blessing from god, right there if i dont know one! ive since been working with a realtor, and im about to make an offer on a house (bad timing for the wife to leave, i guess).

so now, wife is acting all wierd again. shes being nice and polite. i asked her recently how her apartment is, and she replied "well its not the palace i was living in, but it was all i could afford". she swears shes not seeing anyone, especially that guy-friend from highschool. im not sure i believe her. i dont know why a woman would leave a non-abusive household, earning what we earned together, to trade it for a shit-box lifestyle without having another man to go to. doesnt make sense to me.

unfortunatly, things keep popping out of cabinets that belong to her. i had a hard enough time convincing her that shes entitled to a fair share of our belongings. she was ready to just forfit everything to me (well, the stuff that was hers before we got married she was taking, but i wanted her to at least have half of the stuff we accumulated together). i added up the total of our 3 bank accounts, and drew out an amount of half the cash (which was about 800 bucks… not much to go on for long). i took her a box of stuff last saturday, and just the 2 minutes i was there, put me in a depressive mood. ive been dreaming of her a lot lately too… and these dreams are all good outcomes for our marriage… and to me, all impossible and fictitious. its really painful.

she has also started signing her text messages to me… with the endearing nickname i used to call her. shes either trying to make sure she doesnt get cleaned out of my heart, to make sure her spot stays available… or shes torturing me.

i dont know how ill ever be out there in the dating world again after this. heh, debating now if i should actually even post this. *shrug*
a little bit about me "holding her down" and making live and honor the laws:

before we got married, she never filed a tax return… typical of illegal immigrants. after we got married, i made her start filing.

before we got married, she used her bogus social for this and that, apartment applications, her job, whatever. after we got married, its ITIN on the tax return, and that bogus social is used for nothing else (for the duration of the time it would take to get her immigration status resolved).

but the big one, was my absolute refusal to let her drive without drivers license and insurance. before we married, she just drove her car whereever, without any consideration for what the law says. most all of these examples, i think im finding, that this is just theway the illegal people think.

living lawfully is something thats important to me, and me forcing her to live the way a US citizen does… apparently was a real problem for her.

at least, thats what she says at least. she states that she has no faith that she will ever be a citizen (likely referring to congress lack of activity on the immigration reform).
I thought once you got married that she wouldn’t have been an illegal alien anymore? Once you marry a US citizen you too become a US citizen… or is that not the case anymore?
What you have been going thru isn’t uncommon. Im not blaming you, i just want you to know that for a woman ‘ being together ‘ means everything. And it has got nothing to do with logic, but you ‘spending time behind the computer’ was what made her cheat on you.

Your logic reaction would be. ffs i was doing that for us, for our lives.

You need to understand that her reaction was emotionally illogical to you, but for her, the moments you spend time behind the computer ‘should have been devoted to the time you should have spend on her’.

What you need to understand about woman , they need emotional stabilization and in order to reach this they need to be tuned into an emotionally satisfying setting. So its not about how rich you are, or in what palace you live or how many cars you have that’s important. Your complaints aside because we’ll talk later on that.

Because (and i know it sound fucked up beyond belief) you violated and placed the computer on top of your priority list as opposed in her view as putting her in nr.1 place. Was enough reason for her to emotionally break up with you , see it something as ‘ oh if you can do as you please and spend time on your computer then im allowed to talk to other guys ‘.

You know our family house has been thru something simular in some lines as this. My dad would go upstairs and sit behind the computer, and my mom would be left alone in the room. She felt lonely, but as opposed to your wife, my mom did something different. She dragged my father out of his room and demanded to spend quality time together, no more computer after 9 o clock.

Red im going to tell it to you honestly, this is something you cannot possibly anticipate if you haven’t been thru something like this before. This is a matter of having complete insight , if you knew

im not fun enough.
im always too serious.
im not paying enough attention to her and son.
shes not free to do what she wants, since she doesnt have a car.

In advance, then you might could have saved the relationship a few months ago. You are NOT to be blamed for this lack of insight, she is the one who should have related those feelings towards you, so both of you could have worked on it.

In other words, SHE HAS A PROBLEM, not you. And this is were the frustration begins because anyone who is not you cannot be controlled by you. And that presses on the problem in the relationship of not communicating. And with communicating i don’t mean talking, you two obviously did that , but about conveying her honest feelings towards you.

In terms of effort you did much much more then there was every to be expected in terms of effort,time and sacrifice so for Gods sake don’t start blaming yourself.

Now on how to proceed: You did the right thing by divorcing her, you did not act too quickly about it.

Your complaints were valid, in your situation in order to get stability in your life, you did all the right materialistical and logical moves on how you put things into place into your life. You’ll get a A+++ on that.

But here comes the real problem that men often have, naive and narrow minded. Naive because we think we are in control of the entire situation, while in reality we have no fucking clue on what the girl is thinking or what is happening. Seeing how you gave your wife access to the internet shows how you also fall into that catagory, you know we sometimes look at how backward and primitive Islamic cultures are for not allowing woman to even go outside , the men do that for exactly this kind of reason, namely to prevent that the woman will take off with another guy, and that’s why they forced the woman to wear headscarves just so that other men don’t give those woman attention. Now you dont have to go live in a cave just yet, but you have to understand the concept of self protection. A dog without a leash runs everywhere where it wants, including into the places where it isn’t allowed to be.And Narrow minded in the sense that men don’t pick up subtle hints woman drop, you are also straight forward and being that is just perfectly fine on many area’s , but not when it comes to a womans emotional feelings.

I also changed my thinking. I needed to stop thinking. What you see is what is happening: to ‘ there’s a lot of stuff going on behind my back, that i don’t know off’, that you need to beware off. Its not good if we go into paranoia mode, but we need to be extremely good at information gathering, we need to know as exactly as possible what is going on in the situation before things escalate, in order to prevent really bad stuff from happening.

I can only feel for you because this is more of a future warning then something that helps your current situation. For your current situation i want to say this. At this moment you just want your wife back, emotionally you are extremely strongly bonded to eachothers heart.

My advice tho is to proceed onwards to a life without her, although incomprehensable now, in the long run you two can never trust eachother anymore. I think it also was displayed into the kids behaviour, on not ‘knowing’ who daddy really was, plus having the fucked up genes from his demonical father he has a good likelyhood of probably going to end up being just like his real father.

In reality you are better off without this shit happening to you. What you need now is a cool of period ,were you keep working on improving your own life, and breaking off all contact with your wife.

I definitly suggest you go into theraphy and continue to vent your stories and frustrations in here, its good to let steam out every now and then so to speak.

In the long run if you are ready again and searchin willingly, there will be another woman in your life who is ready for you and worth all the time and effort you put into your future.

Much love and support from the Asylum crew, keep hanging in there, even tho its hard, we are here for you.
It’ll go easier on you if you pack up the things you still have that remind you of her. You don’t have to get rid of them if you don’t want to, but getting them out of your sight will help. Also, rearrange your furniture.
yeah im trying to completely cut off contact, but that wont be possible, at least in some minimal forum, until next tax season is over.

i always justified in my head, that im doing computer stuff while shes watching spanish tv (that i dont understand anyway). she surely didnt see it that way.

right now, i have all her pictures turned around backwards so i dont have to see them day to day. there is actually still a picsframe on out bedroom wall, but its behind a door, and i cant see it.

i did continue to see our marriage therepist after the seperatation, but when i told her that "im ok, im making it, im back at work", she told me im wrong for feeling ok, that im holding in my anger. our session ended early, and she didnt reschedule me. i guess imthe devil or something. *shrug* whatever.

i wish i could rearrange our furniture. im only in this apartment for another 60 days, ill manage until then. the stuff i bought for us is much too large to fit any other way and still be able to walk (or much too heavy, in our bedroom furniture). but, thats still a good idea

like i said, the worst thing for me right now is that when she needs to text me, shes signing it with her nickname i gave her (something moderately inappropriate to be using anywhere but between us… certainly not something i think she would tell her mom or anyone else… and im sure her new man would not want to call her something that was special between her and i)… which makes no sense for her, since she told me to respect her decision, to be using anything other than her real name with me.
wow, sounds like some of you actually read my story. thanks
Dude, I dont even know what to say. I hate reading about things like this, it makes it REAL. I read your entire story and just imagined what it would be like if I were in that situation, even easier since im a sys admin and own my own consulting biz. All I have to say is you must be one mentally tough man, I would have already lost it if I were you.

Stay strong, and hopefully things work out best for you. Seems as if your marriage may have gone bad, but from what you have said it sounds like you know how to make good decisions in life. Its cliche, but it really is all a journey and your true test of character is how you deal with things along the way. Props to you.
I don’t understand the problem with you being on the computer when she would be watching soap operas? Did she expect you to watch soap operas together? Sometimes you need a break from each other and her watching soap operas while you were on the computer was that break. But next time you do need to watch how much time you spend in front of the computer.

2 people can fall out of love almost as quickly as they fell into it. I know it hurts but you need to accept it and move on and meet new women. You can’t let it bring you down.

I don’t mean to pry but how was your sex life? You used the term "make love" or "making love" so it sounds like your sex life was pretty bland. Read the thread in the Vaginarium about "making love", women don’t like that term.

You took care of her and her son and made sure they had a great place to live and food to eat, so it had to be something else. If she was looking outside of your marraige for other guys, experts say that women cheat for emotional reasons, so she must have been trying to fill an emotional void in your marriage.

She is being nice to you now because she didn’t want to hurt you but she didn’t know how to tell you that she wasn’t getting the sexual attention that she needed.

It is hard to make a woman happy to the fullest because women are indirect communicators. They communicate with men by dropping hints. Us guys feel that our SO’s should come directly talk to us if something is wrong so we can work it out. But it just doesn’t work that way. Women expect us to pick up the hints and fix something that we don’t know is broken.

Stay cool
*shrug* we did have sex a lot. and i always did the things that bring her to orgasm. sometimes we were just fucking to fuck, sometimes we were passionately making love. we rarely did it the same we did it the previous time. some afternoons we would get home and put a disney movie on for son just so we would immediately get some time for bedroom.

i dont think it was sexual attention, because she didnt have her own car to drive around in. i would take her everywhere she needed to go, every day. it would have been very very difficult for her to be having a physical relationship with someone else (of course im not saying it was totally impossible). and while she did allow me to photograph her totally nude, she was timid enough that when i grabbed her butt in the store it would embarrass her, and the pics she took for the other guy were underwear only.

anyway, she claims she was never sexually dissatisfied, but i guess who knows really.
I think she’s doing both to you. She’s pulling at your heart strings to keep a space available for her, and she’s torturing you.

I think she’s just found out how good she got it with you. She was irrational, and did things on impulse instead of being open and communicating with you on how she was feeling and what she wanted from you and instead of coming out with compromises on how to work things out, she took the initiative to cheat on you–even after you handed her forgiveness on a silver platter.

Don’t let her pull on your heart strings, and pack away all those things that remind you of her. Put them in a box, and hide them in the closet, in the attack.

Stay strong, and keep doing what you’re doing. It sounds like you tried to give her everything, and she turned it away because you were working hard on making a life easier for her and her son.

Don’t let her play around with you emotionally… :hugs:
i tell you what, my cat dabney has been a real trooper thru all this. her dedication and loyatly and undying love for her poppa, has really helped me get thru this.

its almost like she has been able to sense there is something wrong with me lately, and has been by my side everyday the past month. i mean, she usually always follows me around the house anyway, but she has been in my lap or whatever every moment possible.
awww kittah awwww

There are always those out there who will always love you! (i.e. kittah!)

thank you for that. many of my RL friends have been saying the same thing, but believe me its a good feeling to hear it from a stranger.
It didn’t sound like he spent an unreasonable amount of time on the computer to me, but who knows. She sounded like the one with the major problems. She doesn’t know how to communicate. If you can’t communicate you can’t maintain a relationship. DON’T let her back into your life. In fact I’d suggest cutting off contact with her completely. You’ll find someone else. Good luck.

well, my son’s grandfather is a citizen because he married a citizen and i live in Garland.

ive been to so many immigration lawyers over this. she had been here illegally so long she didnt have any options. if i would have married her in el salvador and then brought her here, it would have been a different story.

right now, here only option is to declare, allow herself to be deported, and then if we were still married, i could write letters to the american consulate in el salvador and plead with him that i am unable to function in society without my spouse, that im going documentably insane, and that i am unable to parent her son properly without her here.

after that, if they believe me, it can be a little as a year and she can legally enter the country and get into process. otherwise, if they dont believe me, you can legally enter the country for like, 10 years.

of course, she has family members who get deported, and they show up 9 months later, here illegally again of course. thats no way to live IMO, and i never considered that type of thing an option.

doesnt matter a hill worth of shit now, tho.
actually, my wife has stated that she fears that i will call immigration on her as vengence for hurting me.

she watches too many telenovelas.
I’ve been there brother. I can certainly relate.

It will probably take quite some time, but it WILL get better.
You did the right thing filing for divorce.

And I don’t think that searching her computer was wrong, either. It lead you to objective truth.

You did the right thing filing for divorce.

And I don’t think that searching her computer was wrong, either. It lead you to objective truth.

the computer, technically, belonged to me however, i gave it to her in our division of possessions, since i likely wouldnt be using it.

I read your entire story from start to finish and as soon as i started reading about how you purged her computer and found the pictures that had been sent, I was just as crushed. I am appaled that a woman in her stature would do this–especially to a man that loves her as much as you do. I aspire to be like you some day. A man that can work his ass off AND make time for the only person that I love. You truly are idolized by myself and others i’m sure. I want you to know that I am here for you in the many months to come. I know that you can overcome this hard-ship. She doesn’t deserve you, sir. Good luck with closing on your house and this will take time. Although I am only 21, I am grateful that you posted this so that i can learn from this as much as you learned when you typed it. The tears that you have shed became the pages of knowledge that i am increasingly obsessed with learning and absorbing. We are ALL here for you my friend. Good luck.

realistically, i would probably do at least 2 hours on weekdays (reciprocated by my wifes at least 2 hours of tv shows that i would have no intrest in watching), and probably 4-8 hours on saturdays or sundays. at least some of these sat or sunday hours, would be while wife and son were out visiting family (and i would be home alone). but i was never unavailable to my family during any of those hours. son was constantly coming to talk to me, and i would turn to talk to him back every time (etc etc). its not like i was zoned out or anything. honey-do jobs and tasks were never ignored, i was up out of the chair if my wife ever called. EVERY TIME my wife was cleaning or something, i was out of my chair asking if could help with something. "what i can i do to help you babe?" EVERY single time, without fail. i constantly told her that its not fair for her to take care of all the chores in the house, and me to just piddle around not doing any household work at all, that she could ask of me anything, and she would get my assistance and participation, immediately.

tasks such as vacuuming hte rugs, cleaning the cat litter, and taking out the garbage, were exclusively handled by me, every time, without promting (altho sometimes i would let the carpet go an extra week before i would do it again… *shrug*, we really didnt track a whole lot of dirt in our place). i also pretty much always washed my own laundry, got my own coke or beer, got my own snack. i DID NOT consider my wife to be my slave or servant. once every blue moon i would ask my wife to bring me a drink, and when she did, i thought that was the most special thing ever, and i was so thankful, and always mindful not to abuse such a wonder thing from (what i thought was) a wonderful woman.

my point being, that i was actively still participating in the goings on of the house, and not in a total zone out all to myself.

also, i dont always default to computer only, i do have other hobbies too. but computer, is my carreer, and it puts food on our table and a roof over our heads. just as an artist doesnt work only from 9-5, and any successful business man clocks anywhere from 50-60 or more hours in a typical week.

but none of this is saying i could have done less computer or paid attention more… if only it were asked of me, which it never was. as far as i was concerned, i was getting ready for my next string of hours billed at a rate of $120 an hour (which in 2007, i think i billed like, 84 hours on the side, working weeknights or weekends, i worked my ass off but turned good pay).

all that extra income i earned paid off tons of credit card debt, which was all hindering our plans to own a home. again, as far as i was concerned, i was working on the future we had agreed on.

i definitely feel that my wifes inability to communicate, denied me my chance to make any or every change that she could (but didnt) ask of me.
on the flip side of a lot of the above post, my wife also stated that im the only man who:

took her out of town on vacations
didnt constantly make her wait on me (drinks, food, etc)
cooked for her and son
helped around the house with chores, esp doing my own laundry
gave her a credit card(s) with her name on it
didnt beat or abuse her

i mean, she physically voiced that she took note that im different from every man she has ever been with in the past (but also, that im the only white man shes ever been with too).
and everyone, thank you, ive actually had 48 hours of no depression, and im sure its due to talking about it here, and hearing encouragements from all of you.
I read the story and first thought was this is classic woman logic at work. As men we are able to logically put facts on the table and make a life decision based on what’s the best route to go. Women on the other hand is all about emotions. Darketernal really puts it in perspective for me. I certainly think she made a decision that is wrong but at least now I understand why she made it. Her emotions are not being fulfilled and she went out of her way to find it. Another classic example is that she is now nicer to you because you are gone. The loving emotions that you used to give to her are gone and she is now acting on it to get fulfilled again. I will never understand women completely but from reading Vag and Asylum, I"m seeing a pattern that is starting to form. Just because you’re a good man and a good provder on everything else, that doesn’t mean she is fulfilled. A woman is most happy when she has all her emotion buckets filled, whether it is fear, love, anger, excite.
totally, 100% agree. but i cannot fullfill something if im not told what it is that needs fullfilling.
so last night, i ended up going to see my ex, so i could deliver another load of stuff to her. she had called me, and truthfully, her voice sounded very timid and unsure. i mean it was such a tone of voice, that my first question was ‘are you ok’ (as in, are you in trouble or hurt or something). she said no, but she asked about lots of the childrens medicine that was in the medicine cabinet… had gone totally overlooked. i told her i would pack it up and get it over to her. we agreed for sometime on saturday, but then i called her right back and said "how about i just bring it over now" (since my saturday was going to be quite busy with a full day of house shopping, and id really rather not deal with it after ill be exhausted anyway).

so i went over there and dropped off more of her stuff. we talked for a few minutes. shes so very nervous talking to me, so remoresful for breaking my heart, but she is still being very defensive of her position for choosing to go back to being single again.

i had a hell of a time getting her to calm down, and to understand that im NOT trying to talk her into coming back, only that im just trying to learn exactly what it was that caused her to be unable to talk to me. i actually already know what it was that prevented her communication… "she fears me".

fears me is what ive been trying to dredge out of her since all this occured. fear me how? ive never so much as even pushed her, and i think i raised my voice to her maybe 2 times in almost 3 years. did she fear getting a spanking on her bottom, like the boy did when he needed it? i really have no idea, but im sure its related to some form or sort of percieved vengence that i would exact on her or something. revenge for breaking my heart? again, ive never displayed any thought or action of vengence or the need for revenge or getback on anyone in this life. i have no idea why she would think such things of me. (like i said, she watches too much spanish telenovella dramas… which are brimmed full of this vengence crap, especially over love *rolls eyes*)

anyway, at this point im just trying to get her to relax around me so we can talk objectively about what happened. i am determined as possible to learn as much as i can from her about this so that whatever future relationship doesnt get affected by this. if i truly have some defect (which, 100% of my RL friends are unable to define), then she is the only one who can decribe how i can eliminate whatever the problem was.

we were mesageing back and forth this morning, and i was telling her basically exactly what i wrote above, and she replied back ‘spend more time with your family and not on the computer’, but i replied back ‘thats the part i already know… what i need to know is why you feared me to the point you couldnt talk to me about what was wrong’.

at this point im just trying to get my closure, so i can improve myself (*shrug* if there is even something definable that i can improve), and move on.
well, here is my update. last week, i think i actually went from tuesday thru friday, without any depressive feelings over all this. i had a fairly positive mental attitute about the future.

saturday, i went house shopping with my realtor for about 4 hours in the morning, then turned around and did a 3 hour consulting job after that. unfortunately, by the time i finally got home late in the afternoon, i was feeling the gloom again. much of it was on behalf of my friend, whos company i was consulting for… is going thru the same thing that led me to my divorce. he and his wife are also feeling the problems of falling out of love after many years, and while he is the one who is falling out of love (reverse of my situation), he is actively searching for ways to fix it. she doesnt feel like anything is wrong, and thus isnt motivated to make changes to make my friend happy again (also reversed from my situation). either way, it makes for seeing 2 people who i care deeply about, currently on the road to pain.

so since i have no family to take care of right now, weekends get lonely right now. i stared at my wall the rest of saturday and all of sunday, stewing over how my wife feared me, and what a monster i must be. how will i ever recover the carcass of how i am, to be something good for some other woman someday?

all these things going thru my mind caused me to be unable to remember if i was even going anything at all right, in our marriage. unfortunately, the only person i could turn to for encouragement on this issue… was my exwife herself. so i called her late last night.

she answered when i called, and at first was fairly aprehensive about talking to me. surely she feared i was calling to beg her back or talk about why she couldnt talk to me, but i assured her that my reason for calling was way beyond that. i really had to let down my own guard (because im the strong unbreakable type…) to tell her that i had been doing quite well until saturday afternoon, and what exactly i was dealing with in my head, that i was doubting my own existance as "a husband" that was worth having anyway.

she told me, that over all i was a very responsible man, that i always took care of the family properly (ie, cooking dinner, maintaining the household, things like that), i didnt treat her like my servant (ie i never asked her really to bring me a drink to the computer room, and i pretty much always did my own laundry), and that she even said that in the bedroom i was always pleasing.

she did say that she always felt guilty that she didnt do more to be more like a servant, reciprocating how i was always volunteering to help with cleaning, or if i was on my way to the kitchen i would always ask if i could bring her something. when she said she wished she had done more, i asked "so what stopped you?" she didnt know.

i did make it a point to tell her some of the ways that she was a good woman to me (well, of course i mean back before all the BS got in the way), and over all i think we both feel a little better for the wear.

ultimately, she did tell me that she has feared every man she has ever been with, and she wont ever stop fearing, and that her fear was not my fault. i still have a hard time grasping that with how lovingly i acted to her in all areas of life that she could still lump me into the category [as the man who killed her first child]. the loss of her child i know damaged her, but i never knew it went that deep as to translate to how she interacted with me as well.

oh well, over all i ended up getting what i needed, and that was some positive mental reinforcement that im still good. hopefully im on my way to my next string of days where i dont experience any down days (i know im not done with them, but id expect that as time passes, ill get more and more positive days between the negative days). so far, this is positive day number 1

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