My dad beat the crap out me day in and day out for as long as i can remember. when he died, I only felt anger because he ruined my summer (by making me return home from college to take over the warehouse he left behind)

So (i think) that’s why I have become emotionally distant from everyone. i wanted my dad’s approval because that meant he wouldn’t be beating me up (or so i thought). but, then I stopped caring about his approval, and while he still hit me, it didn’t really hurt as much.

i used women in college. i would have fling, after fling. but i wanted (or so i thought) a steady relationship so badly. except when the girl i was interested in at the time started to like me, i would push her away, or cheat on her, or just become an abrassive jerk so that she’d dump me. i wanted to be wanted, but didn’t want to be …. i don’t know the word. "attached" maybe.
and so i would bounced around from one pseudo-relationship to another, hurting others as well as myself.

i haven’t dated in a while, or even tried to "pick up" women. i think it’s because i’ve started listening to my conscience, and actually caring about peoples feelings.

another thing that’s happened (perhaps they’re related) is that i was incredibly violent.
i would never get into fights with no reason, but i would get into fights at the drop of a hat. a girl would look at me funny, and i’d kick the crap out of her boyfriend, and his crew. i didn’t care about the consequences, and there really weren’t any- besides the occasional time i would pick a fight with someone bigger than me. but i didnt care, i had to show them i was stronger than them. the strongest one there is.
so sometimes i would get the crap kicked out of me, then a week later that persons tires would be slashed. they deserved it, they were mean to me a week earlier. and people should be nice.

I’ve calmed down lately. i must not be exposing myself to those situation, or maybe i just don’t want to fight anymore.

but every now and then i get that urge. i want to go to a bar, and just wait for someone to try something. or flirt with a girl that’s clearly there with some guy. that’s a win-win situation- if the guy gets mad, i get to fight. if he doesn’t i get to use a woman.
i dont ever act that urge. but man, it would be fun- just like old times…
i know. i wanted to. i should have.
but i didn’t
and it made me feel so powerless, and worthless, that i couldn’t do anything about him hitting me, or my siblings.

ugh, i still carry this… resentment towards him. and when i got into fights, i would think things like "he (the guy i’m fighting? my dad?) won’t hit me now," and "if he saw this, he would know i was strong," i had to be strong, stronger than anyone around me.
it’s not fair, he was so much bigger than me, but he hit me none the less. people shouldn’t do that, they shouldn’t take advantage of weaker people like that
piss on his grave then.

no dad should go beating up on his son, the heartless bastard.

dig up his bones, and bash them up with a baseball bat, that’ll vent ye off.
heh, i can’t do that, he died half way around the world (flew to pakistan to cheat on his wife- my mom; had a heart attack there)

so i can’t even get closure!
make a life size puppet of him in your basement, and a life size donkey, and motorize the donkey to bonk him continuously up the bum, inviting neighbours to come down to the basement to watch him get bonked up the ass, while asking them to kick him in the head as much as they want.
errr….
not quite sure how to respond to that…
Easier said than done…but rather than let the anger fester, let this experience serve as a life lesson on what kind of person to NOT be and what kind of father to NOT be to your own children. You can’t change what happened, and holding on to the past can prevent you from moving forward onto the future. You CAN choose to move on. My husband went through the same thing when he was a kid and he chose to let it go and move on.

On Topic –> Asylum

It’s a good thing you were fortunate enough not to get stabbed or shot if you made a point of going out and picking fights with people.
Grab a good cup of coffee and read this story.

Now i know people who’ve been thru the things that you have been thru aren’t very accepting of things. What you have to accept tho is that the years of abuse has totally mindfucked you. I shit you not when i say that this is probably going to take a lifetime if not longer to restore the emotional devestation + countless of theraphy and anger managment sessions, due to that shit education of that father of yours, its therefore at the root were we need to start.

All children immitate their parents,

wether or not we agree with our parents its their examples that we take into adulthood and practise, in this case you are practising your fathers violence on to people. That you recognize this violence is a good start.

All children seek love and aknowledgement of their existance at their parents. When this need is answered with violence and abuse, the child is most likely to grow up as a agressive and violent person ,and viola you are the result.

Its an unacceptable result of course, one cannot live happy with an extreme amount of violence in their mind.

My advice to you is to become a shaolin fighting monk, who practises Bhuddism. You don’t have to believe a word of it, that’s not the point. The point is that you will learn how to channel your anger and use that angry energy and transfer it into doing positive things.
Tip one: don’t live in the past.

Tip two: Make sure that you never become the person your dad was. You saw what he did to you. End the cycle of abuse. You know enough about yourself but how others live to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Tip three: stop the thuggery before you get killed by someone who hates life as much as you do.

I have a cousin who grew up in an abusive household and then dated abusive people. She finally knows enough not to get into that shit and can avoid it. Her problem is meeting other assorted scumbags and finding love in all the wrong places but that’s another story…

You really should consider counseling.. you have some serious anger management problems that can very well get you in jail for many years if you break someone’s neck or something along those lines. Or you may get killed, who knows. You need to stop. Normal people don’t beat others around, that includes siblings or chick’s boyfriends.

Then join a gym or a boxing club and beat the shit out of machinery and other people in a competitive but controlled environment. At least then you’ll get some of that pent up energy out of your system.

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