Official R2R Chat thread: road to recovery crew how’s it going?!?

Grateful!

What’s going on?

BPD girlfriend rollercoaster. Trying to ended it after her latest disappearance that happens every 7 days. She started talking about suicide and while I know it was just her trying to manipulate me, I don’t take that as a joke. Made her go to a local mental hospital. She’s been in since Friday and is being released tomorrow.

Still trying to wrap my head around everything she’s done. I’ll never know the full truth but I keep finding out new things everyday. It’s fucking brutal.

That’s tough.

I decided that I’ll probably never know the full truth of a lot of situations and that was helpful for me to let go of my perception of control.

Do you have something going to support yourself or a support group type of thing?

That’s tough.

I decided that I’ll probably never know the full truth of a lot of situations and that was helpful for me to let go of my perception of control.

Do you have something going to support yourself or a support group type of thing?

I found a forum that is for people in relationships or that have family with BPD. It has been somewhat helpful so far. I’ve been considering group sessions or finding a therapist but I haven’t really decided yet.

What kinds of things? If you don’t mind saying …

Things that are typical of Borderline Personality Disorder– arguments, lying, cheating, stealing, manipulation, talks of suicide.

I almost wish she was ‘normal’ because it’d be easier to just be done with it. But I love her and know she has a personality disorder. She can’t help her thoughts and actions to an extent.

Things that are typical of Borderline Personality Disorder– arguments, lying, cheating, stealing, manipulation, talks of suicide.

I almost wish she was ‘normal’ because it’d be easier to just be done with it. But I love her and know she has a personality disorder. She can’t help her thoughts and actions to an extent.

It sounds like something that would fall under Al Anon (friends and family support groups) even though there is no substance involved. Usually people think there has to be a substance. Al Anon is a 12 step program and can help you take care of yourself and set boundaries in these situations you’re dealing with.

Alcohol is involved and is what sets her out on her disappearances.

She was admitted for 3 days and is now going to outpatient therapy from 9am – 3pm for the next two weeks. It’s progress.

Alcohol is involved and is what sets her out on her disappearances.

She was admitted for 3 days and is now going to outpatient therapy from 9am – 3pm for the next two weeks. It’s progress.

OK, what you would think of getting into a support group for you? Don’t you feel like you’re going nuts? Out of control? Al Anon is free until you decide if you want to be part of it and then you contribute what you would like to (usually $1). . Ask a friend to go with you. The people there have walked down the same street you are walking and they can help you.

Chat:

Today I am grateful for the courage my program has given me. I’ve had at least two situations in the past year where I’ve had to take action and I’ve been able to respond to the situations in an appropriate way. Prior to coming to the program I would have froze and not been able to respond. I’ve been able to think things through and take the action that was needed to take care of things. This is a pretty awesome milestone for me.

I picked up my 3 year chip. Feels good man

nice. are you sponsoring anyone?

congrats!

Yes, I have one sponsee right now. I had a few others who approached me after I spoke at their meeting but they haven’t reached out to me yet In the mean time I’m half way through my term for the group Secretary position and I signed up on the Outreach Volunteer programs so I’ll be helping to staff a booth at an upcoming event, speaking at meetings and possibly traveling in state to speak as well. I’m testing recipes for our holiday event and since I’m the Secretary I’ll be doing some of the organization as well. Our group also has done 11th Step workshops in November and we have an experienced person who volunteers their time so if we do that again I’ll have some responsibility in that too. It’s crazy because I’m also working full time, have an active workout schedule, picking up extra meetings as well as coffee dates with people in the program, plus dating! And meditating And other stuff.

Thanks

I went to a meeting that wasn’t my home group and saw something afterwards that makes me feel weird when combined with what the person said in the meeting. I don’t know what to do with this feeling

what did they say in the meeting then what did they do afterwards?

talk about how spiritually fit they are then kick a puppy?

what if you don’t do anything about it?

what happened

congrats, that’s the hardest one

6 months on suboxone… my life was a wreck before.. always chasing H or pills all day every day (which also lead to me being arrested). things are finally falling into place and im making good progress thru drug court (thankfully they allow suboxone, just have to taper off before next summer when I should be completing the program)

congrats
do you have a recovery support deal setup or what

thanks, and i go to na meetings (court ordered once a week but i usually go 3x) and i have a sponsor, and see a therapist weekly. not to mention my family is very supportive.

How are you guys doing? Everyone still hanging in there?

im doing great! graduated drug court early bc of my good progress (I made a thread about it) still going to meetings, but only 1-2x a week, and almost off suboxone!

still no drinking!

im doing great! graduated drug court early bc of my good progress (I made a thread about it) still going to meetings, but only 1-2x a week, and almost off suboxone!

still no drinking!

hey if 1-2 meetings is enough then it’s enough, sometimes addiction and recovery needs more attention than others

congratulations!

1 year 3 months no booze, 6 weeks no weed

hey if 1-2 meetings is enough then it’s enough, sometimes addiction and recovery needs more attention than others

congratulations!

Thanks, I’d like to go to more meetings… but with school and a job now I just don’t have the time… I still talk to my sponsor almost every day though

wow, you guys are doing great! I’m so happy for you!

Still doing it. I make a meeting just about every day (night, 10 PM). Just about a year in clean and sober. Feel great. Doing great.

That’s excellent! You’re doing a great job

I’m really impressed with you all

FS, IKT- how are you all doing in your recovery?

I’m really impressed with you all

FS, IKT- how are you all doing in your recovery?

eh, pretty good. Things sometimes slow down this time of year, but I still do my part.

So I’m looking for advice from 12 steppers.

I was talking to a guy today who is in the community and from our conversation it’s apparent he’s interested in dating me if I agree but there’s a deal breaker for me so that’s not going to happen. He asked for my # and I gave it to him. How do I say no and then get him to set me up with men He works in the industry so he’s very well connected. I’m thinking do the first part now and the second part later but that’s going to be hard to do because we don’t have a common meeting so he’ll just disappear.

Edit: yeah he just messaged me

So I’m looking for advice from 12 steppers.

I was talking to a guy today who is in the community and from our conversation it’s apparent he’s interested in dating me if I agree but there’s a deal breaker for me so that’s not going to happen. He asked for my # and I gave it to him. How do I say no and then get him to set me up with men He works in the industry so he’s very well connected. I’m thinking do the first part now and the second part later but that’s going to be hard to do because we don’t have a common meeting so he’ll just disappear.

Edit: yeah he just messaged me

Really doesn’t seem like a good situation to get yourself into. Just saying. Better off being up front/honest and keeping a distance than getting into some weird friendzone-y thing with another 12step person to try and use him to date others.

I know there’s sketchy stuff that goes on between people but I’m not into that. You might be sensing that his status intimidates me a little. Men who want to impress pull out the stops on their accomplishments and he took the conversation there.

My friend told me that a guy would rather gnaw his arm off than tell me he isn’t into me and I think that’s true. That’s something that bothers me about men so I’m honest and make it clear with all men I’m not interested in dating and that part has gone surprisingly well. I’m trying to figure out how to make that bridge afterwards. I think I’m going to just have to wait it out for a bit and let the dating thing die down and if an opportunity comes up down the road I can bring it up then.

I know there’s sketchy stuff that goes on between people but I’m not into that. You might be sensing that his status intimidates me a little. Men who want to impress pull out the stops on their accomplishments and he took the conversation there.

My friend told me that a guy would rather gnaw his arm off than tell me he isn’t into me and I think that’s true. That’s something that bothers me about men so I’m honest and make it clear with all men I’m not interested in dating and that part has gone surprisingly well. I’m trying to figure out how to make that bridge afterwards. I think I’m going to just have to wait it out for a bit and let the dating thing die down and if an opportunity comes up down the road I can bring it up then.

This is where I’m at now with it all. Almost everyone I know that has aggressively tried to seek out dating in the rooms has had it end in either drama or a relapse I just think the dynamics make it all a lot harder. You have a lot of people that really want affection from another person and to be able to care for someone just because of how fucking hard and lonely recovery can sometimes be, and on top of that you have basically a line-up of world-class manipulators/liars/etc not that everyone’s always doing that, but part of being deep down the rabbit hole is doing that kind of stuff all the time and part of recovery is figuring out how to stop doing it. If that makes sense. It just seems like forcing it tends to spark up a lot of those character defects in one/both. I know when I try to force stuff I’ll slip into old habits or just seek out people that aren’t really healthy for me (like I always used to). Whereas my friends in recovery that are dating/married to someone else in it all say that once they stopped trying, it just kind of fell into their lap one day.

I tried forcing it a little under a year ago and ended up in something really unhealthy for a month or so that ended in my last relapse. It wasn’t the cause of it, relapses always happen slowly over time for a ton of different reasons, but it was definitely a part of it.

I’m just trying to keep my options open. I can choose to date a man in recovery, a man who isn’t in recovery and maybe needs it, or a normie. Some of the time the last two options are a blur for me. Anyway, I’m not going to turn down dating a man solely because he’s in recovery. Plus part of the basis for my program is the fact I love addicts/alcoholics so I feel I’m just being honest about this.

I’m really impressed with you all

FS, IKT- how are you all doing in your recovery?

I’m a good place in recovery right now. Going to meetings regularly, talking to recovering addicts regularly, meditating, keeping a gratitude list, got a God box (and have been using it), etc. I’ve even been trying out another program to see if I can get something from that as well. Hopefully I’ll get a sponsor in there soon because my other sponsor, who I love to death, is so busy that it’s hard to work steps with him. Also yoga rocks.

I’ve always been wary of working two programs because I see it as one disease and I like the clarity of focus, but this other program has another perspective that I think I will benefit from and it has been suggested to me by people whose opinions I trust. So even though I’m still not 100% sold, I’m open-minded and willing!

You guys are doing so well, I’m really impressed by all of you. The holidays can be a difficult time for people but you guys seem to be kicking ass lately. I like it

that being said, if anyone reading this is having a difficult time and needs support, we’re here for you <3

I hit 10 months last Monday. It’s been hard. Turned 26 a little over a month ago, which I thought would never happen a couple years ago, so that was something. I have a hard time remember how much has changed in 10 months….I went back to law school this semester, first final exam is tomorrow morning, pretty overwhelmed. I have that general looming sense of failure I’ve heard a lot of other recovering addicts say…just that feeling that I’m going to fuck up, I’m going to implode, everything good that’s happened to me in the past 10 months is going to get swept away, because I know where I gravitate and what I always do and things like that. I don’t feel that good things should happen to me. I have a hard time congratulating myself for anything I’m accomplishing. I also have a really big chip on my shoulder and this idea that I have to do perfectly this semester back because nobody thought I’d be able to handle it or get back on my feet so FUCK THEM THIS WILL SHOW THEM – but that’s all in my head I know.

It’s also still been really hard adjusting to living. I’ve had a good routine with school where I’ve either been working, lifting, taking care of my dog, running errands…but most of the rest of the time I’m pretty holed up. Can’t handle being around booze much still. There’s been a real grieving process I guess too for me with accepting all of this. Letting go of times I used to have out socially that I can’t have ever again. Seeing people my age everywhere I go, especially weekend nights, out drinking, fucking around, couples coming home tipsy. It’s still really, really hard sometimes. I have AA buddies and stuff but i don’t like doing AA stuff all the time. I don’t really have much of a social life at all anymore. I know how to avoid everything because it’s all I’ve been doing after my last relapse nearly (should’ve, by all means) killed me and scared the fucking daylight out of me.

Anyway, i don’t have much of a point to this I guess. This shit is just really fucking hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m putting way too much pressure on myself and at the same time beating myself up every chance I get. I’ve had a lot of friends relapse lately. I’m pretty much the only guy left around my age of our group that came in around the same time at the beginning of this year that’s still sober. I don’t feel like going out and don’t think I ever could, that’s solid in my mind since the relapse. It’s just hard seeing the relapses…it makes me sad for them, and angry at them, and jealous of them, and lonely. And because I know what that feels like and how horrible a spot to be in it is, it’s heartbreaking, you know?

Just gotta get through 9 more days of finals. Put one foot in front of the other.

I know there’s sketchy stuff that goes on between people but I’m not into that. You might be sensing that his status intimidates me a little. Men who want to impress pull out the stops on their accomplishments and he took the conversation there.

My friend told me that a guy would rather gnaw his arm off than tell me he isn’t into me and I think that’s true. That’s something that bothers me about men so I’m honest and make it clear with all men I’m not interested in dating and that part has gone surprisingly well. I’m trying to figure out how to make that bridge afterwards. I think I’m going to just have to wait it out for a bit and let the dating thing die down and if an opportunity comes up down the road I can bring it up then.

don’t shit in your own sandbox

it can be hard to work two programs with 100% of your effort

Yeah, I’m finding it difficult just from a time management perspective, but I’m working on it. Thankfully, I am at a place in my life where I am willing to put the majority of my time into my personal growth. So while I doubt I will even work two programs with "100% of my effort" as you say, I still think I can benefit from them both. I will keep my regular program as my primary and use my new program as supplemental. And like I said, my primary program sponsor is rarely available, so it’s possible that this other program could provide some balance in that regard as well.

Also this other program seems to be focused on an area that I would benefit from. So if nothing else, it will be good to come at my recovery from a different perspective.

Note: I use the term happy in this post, but what I really mean is content or emotionally/spiritually fit.

Something someone said in a meeting recently got me thinking about the things I feel like I need vs the things I actually need. Sometimes I put too much emphasis on external things (like we do) and I realized I don’t need to be in a certain physical place to be happy, I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy, I don’t need to be single to be happy, etc. So I started a list of things that I don’t need to be happy and on it I am putting everything that seems important but I can actually be happy without. And once I got a good list going there, I started to see what I do need and so I made another list of what I actually need to be happy.

This is just my list, mind you, and it is a work in progress:

I need to be clean
I need to be active in recovery
I need to exercise
I need to eat healthily
I need a support network
I need regular sleep habits
I need access to nature
I need to express myself creatively
I need hope

So far that’s all I got. That’s it. I mean that’s it? That’s all it takes for me to be happy? Well shit.

Maybe I should do the same thing for what I do and don’t need in relationships.

Right, but I’m curious how that applies in a small city?

I’ve never agreed with that mentality. I’m pretty sure that statistics have shown most people meet their significant others through their social networks. So to avoid meeting people in the place where you are most likely to meet someone seems foolish to me.

it applies the exact same way but your sandbox is smaller

Note: I use the term happy in this post, but what I really mean is content or emotionally/spiritually fit.

Something someone said in a meeting recently got me thinking about the things I feel like I need vs the things I actually need. Sometimes I put too much emphasis on external things (like we do) and I realized I don’t need to be in a certain physical place to be happy, I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy, I don’t need to be single to be happy, etc. So I started a list of things that I don’t need to be happy and on it I am putting everything that seems important but I can actually be happy without. And once I got a good list going there, I started to see what I do need and so I made another list of what I actually need to be happy.

This is just my list, mind you, and it is a work in progress:

I need to be clean
I need to be active in recovery
I need to exercise
I need to eat healthily
I need a support network
I need regular sleep habits
I need access to nature
I need to express myself creatively
I need hope

So far that’s all I got. That’s it. I mean that’s it? That’s all it takes for me to be happy? Well shit.

Maybe I should do the same thing for what I do and don’t need in relationships.

I’ve noticed that there are a few basic things I need to do every day/week otherwise it’s a sign I’m starting to slip.

wake up when alarm goes off
eat breakfast
brush teeth
any clothes on floor need to be put away
desk can’t have shit all over it
need to exercise at least a couple of times a week
need to text/call out to a few people in recovery for support
don’t walk around everywhere with headphones on
appreciate little moments of calm/presence

Feels silly typing some of those out but it’s true, and sometimes those take a lot of conscious effort to do. When i stop doing any of those, it’s an alarm…because if i don’t do anything about it quickly i’ll be back in my old habits of sleeping insanely weird hours and room filthy and no exercise and all that bad stuff in no time. And that’s dangerous territory

I’m still figuring out how to try and think more positively, feel more centered, calm down, take it easy. I need to find some kind of a release too, I keep bouncing between obsessive hobbies for a couple of weeks at a time…

Ooh that’s really interesting. I should think about signs that I can look for myself.

Note: I use the term happy in this post, but what I really mean is content or emotionally/spiritually fit.

Something someone said in a meeting recently got me thinking about the things I feel like I need vs the things I actually need. Sometimes I put too much emphasis on external things (like we do) and I realized I don’t need to be in a certain physical place to be happy, I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy, I don’t need to be single to be happy, etc. So I started a list of things that I don’t need to be happy and on it I am putting everything that seems important but I can actually be happy without. And once I got a good list going there, I started to see what I do need and so I made another list of what I actually need to be happy.

This is just my list, mind you, and it is a work in progress:

I need to be clean
I need to be active in recovery
I need to exercise
I need to eat healthily
I need a support network
I need regular sleep habits
I need access to nature
I need to express myself creatively
I need hope

So far that’s all I got. That’s it. I mean that’s it? That’s all it takes for me to be happy? Well shit.

Maybe I should do the same thing for what I do and don’t need in relationships.

I’ve noticed that there are a few basic things I need to do every day/week otherwise it’s a sign I’m starting to slip.

wake up when alarm goes off
eat breakfast
brush teeth
any clothes on floor need to be put away
desk can’t have shit all over it
need to exercise at least a couple of times a week
need to text/call out to a few people in recovery for support
don’t walk around everywhere with headphones on
appreciate little moments of calm/presence

Feels silly typing some of those out but it’s true, and sometimes those take a lot of conscious effort to do. When i stop doing any of those, it’s an alarm…because if i don’t do anything about it quickly i’ll be back in my old habits of sleeping insanely weird hours and room filthy and no exercise and all that bad stuff in no time. And that’s dangerous territory

I’m still figuring out how to try and think more positively, feel more centered, calm down, take it easy. I need to find some kind of a release too, I keep bouncing between obsessive hobbies for a couple of weeks at a time…

Wow, guys. I’m really impressed.

I really like both of these ideas. I should try them myself.

Exactly what is the sandbox though? Only my home meetings? I don’t imagine you’re suggesting I don’t date men in recovery at all. Or did you mean don’t date men in recovery? Also I think I would date an Al Anon regardless of their home group but the focus of my original post was substance recovery, not the other side.

You can date in recovery but in/around your home meetings and stuff is a bad idea. IMO you can’t attend meetings with your SO, or at least your home meeting. If you do you won’t be able to fully share about stuff going on and neither will they. And if/when you break up, then it might happen that one of you stops going to that meeting. That exact scenario just happened to a couple in my home group.

The couples I know that met in recovery with good relationships keep different ‘zones’ for their home/core meetings. Neither goes to the other one’s zone meetings. That’s not to say they never attend stuff together, of course you can, but that basic part is really important.

All you have to do to avoid that is agree on at least one meeting to yourselves (or more of that’s your preference). That shouldn’t be an issue. It’s just setting a boundary.

You can date in recovery but in/around your home meetings and stuff is a bad idea. IMO you can’t attend meetings with your SO, or at least your home meeting. If you do you won’t be able to fully share about stuff going on and neither will they. And if/when you break up, then it might happen that one of you stops going to that meeting. That exact scenario just happened to a couple in my home group.

The couples I know that met in recovery with good relationships keep different ‘zones’ for their home/core meetings. Neither goes to the other one’s zone meetings. That’s not to say they never attend stuff together, of course you can, but that basic part is really important.

Good point. The Al Anon meetings I’ve been to aren’t like that so there is a little bit of a difference in the sharings within the meetings. I don’t think meeting a man in Al Anon would be an issue but the bigger point would be I’m active and have my home group and backup and have yet to meet a man there Well one where there’s mutual interest anyway.

I totally get this though. I’ve been to substance 12 step meetings that are like your description. And if I met a guy at his home group I wouldn’t have a problem leaving it for him. I get the same gist regardless of which group I go to. In fact if he wasn’t wanting his group to himself it would probably be a red flag for me.

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