Dealing with murder.(anonymous post)

Friday night my hubby went to visit a friend of ours BF while he was at work closing up the bar.

Someone burst in the back door and shot him three times, my hubby was five feet away from him and the guy who got shot died in my cousins arms.

The gf of the guy who died is a really good friend of ours so we have been crying, laughng, confused, hurt ect together for the last three days. The guy who died was always smiling, laughing, happy and hard working. He also had a 3 year old daughter.

I’m not sure what my point of sharing this is, I just feel empty and completely worn out, too many emotions to go through and too many sleepless nights.

Last night his Mother flew out to claim his body, we are now trying to plan fundraisers for a memorial service and to get him back home to Ontario.

I’m exhausted.

I sleep but not much, I haven’t really had anything to eat in the last few days. I’ve been busy consolling and planning all this stuff alongside all the other people involved. I don’t know how much more I can take and on top of it my close friends who know what’s been going on are stressing me out calling and asking for money, rides, a shoulder to cry on because of their own issues.

How does one cope with all this? I’m running out of everything.

My condolences on your loss.

Things that I’ve found help me deal with emotions surrounding death are:
Sleep, mild exercise, eat well, and drink plenty of water. Seriously….it’s sounds trite but those things really do help. Work also helps.

Things that don’t help: big projects, trying to "fix" or "get rid of" these powerful feelings, drinking, anger, etc.

In my opinion there’s really not quick fix. Death brings deep, painful emotions to our consciousness and it takes time to process those emotions.

Yes, Coottie has given good advice.

Other then that, there is a not a lot anyone can say. Grieving is a unique process. You will have to reach out to family or pray, in any case it is a reaching out and consoling each other.

You might also do well to go pick up a book on grieving. I was over at the funeral home tonight and they had some material there on grieving and it seemed quite good and may offer insight into aspects of grieving that you haven’t though of.

Best of luck

First off, my condolences

Second, I’ve been there. One of my good friends was murdered in Edmonton by some crazy psycho pretending to be Dexter. The day before, I found out my best friend had brain cancer. It was a rough few months, man.

I had (and still have) a great support network of friends who never let me get too sad, kept me occupied and most of all, always had hugs for me when I needed one. That was the most important. They let me express my grief whenever I needed to.

It takes time, and the pain never goes away.

That’s terrible. You have my sympathy, for what it’s worth, but I’ve never known anyone who was wrongfully killed so I have no idea what it’s like to go through that.

Grief is the experience of the brain decommissioning old neural pathways that are no longer useful. There is no way to speed up the process. It’s good that you’re helping your friend, because whatever you’re feeling, she’s feeling it much more since it was her boyfriend who was killed. If supporting her is draining you, you need to find more people to provide support to her and you both. Maybe that means going to church, or asking family and friends to come visit, or hiring a grief counselor, or something like that. It’s going to be a while before your friend is stable again, and you as well given your level of involvement. You need to find support to help you through it, wherever that support may be found.

Last night I had a complete break down. It seems as tho I’m taking it harder than the people who watched him die.

I’ve been called cold, dramatic, heartless by some of my friends because I have decided I will not be helping out in the fundraising for the memorial. Also because I have anger issues towards my husban for even being in that situation.

Last night everything piled up on me, I basically told everyone to fuck off, I admitted to my gf that I had slept with her husband right before they got married (not good), I’ve torn down everyone of my friends and then decided to lock myself in a mental institute.

I went there, waiting in the parking lot and got completely hammered. I finally went into the hospital and talked to someone. The doctor prescribed me Ativan for anxiety and zopidone because I haven’t really slept in three days. He also wrote a few letters stating I needed 1-2 weeks off.

I’m happy I have some people who understand what I’m going through and how I feel, the rest are pretty pissed off with my actions. I really don’t blame them, I’d be livid too with most of the things I’ve said. In the beginning I told my husband I wish it was him. Just so many damn emotions, numbness and pain coming and going all at once.

hold up

Was this is the guy that was killed?

These next quotes don’t make any sense either:

…I have anger issues towards my husban for even being in that situation.

In the beginning I told my husband I wish it was him.

Seriously? You told your husband that you wish he had been the one killed but you’re pissed at him for being there? Explain.

So let me see if I can recap your previous post:
1) You sleep with your friends bf before they get married
2) Said guy gets murdered and your hubby is there
3) You tell your hubby you wish it was him that got killed
4) You then confess to the new widow that you slept with her hubby right before they tied the knot
5) Now you’re pissed at your hubby for even being at the scene of the crime.
6) You tell everyone you won’t be contributing to the fundraiser for the memorial.
7) You "get hammered" in the parking lot of a mental hospital – meaning you got drunk or high?
8) Then you go into said hospital and they gave you more drugs and sent you on your way
9) Now you make a post about it?

Seriously?

If those things are true, I think you need professional help immediately. That help would be in the form of psychiatric help.

NO! The girl I told I slept with her husband was someone else, not involved with the guy that got murdered AT ALL. She just happened to be there when I let it all go.

Before the murder happened I had asked my husband to stop hanging out with the guy, I didn’t like him at all and could tell there was something about him that was off. The night the guy was killed my husband went to the place with my younger cousin. I was pissed off he went behing my back and took my family to see the LOSER that got himself killed, so I said in anger I had wished it was him that got shot.

Obviously I regret saying it, I was in shock and I was upset that he put himself there and lied about it until there was a tragedy.

I have no sympathy for my husband and him seeing what he seen, I just can’t find it. I had said to him on plenty of other occassions that I just didn’t like the guy and I didn’t like what people were saying about him.

I donated some money to the memorial, I don’t think I should have to help plan and fund it. The parents of the "victim" lay him to rest tomorrow, the GF just wants to have a memorial for all his friends. I have a hard time understanding why I have to be involved and how me not wanting to be involved makes me the bad guy.

On top of the murder, it was a day before 2 years since my Grandfather passed away, I have enough on my plate to deal with besides this stuff. I have children to take care of, work to do, family dying including my Grandmother and Mother.

People keep pulling me in different directions and I just feel lost and empty, I don’t know where to go. I have friends calling me begging me for help in their break ups and family problems and not understanding what i’m going through. Even though I have said plain out all of what’s going on.

I did lose it, I drove myself to the hospital, got drunk in my car not knowing if I should go in. I eventually went in and talked to a doctor, I stayed over night and he perscribed me pills. I have since been functioning a lot better but have only taken 2 days worth of the pills. I feel I really needed sleep, to help me cope and understand all of what’s been going on.

This all started last Friday, i’m feeling drained but not as much as I was before.

When people call to complain about their problems, stop them and tell them that you ‘really cannot deal with this now, I hope that they are not offended but I have too much going on.’

As for the memorial services, ‘I wish I could be there but I couldn’t handle it, I need some time to be alone right now.’ If they complain or push you tell them ‘We’ll see how I feel,’ as if you might decide to go, even if you have already made up your mind not to.

Everyone handles tragedy in their own way, if you need to be alone for a while to figure things out people should respect that. If they don’t there is nothing you can do about it, everyone is dealing with a lot and when it passes they should ‘forgive’ you for not being available. They should understand that it was a terrible time for everyone.

Two thoughts:

1. It sounds like you’re generally the person everyone comes to with their problems, and you feel like you never get to have anyone’s help dealing with your own feelings, and because you’ve got so many people asking for help at once, your own feelings are just getting bottled up and saved to be dealt with later. Would you say this is accurate?

2. Were you emotionally attached to the guy who got shot? I don’t mean were you friends with him, I mean were you hoping to have a romantic relationship with him someday? Were you hoping he would be your backup plan if/when things fell apart with your husband? Be honest.

I personally believe he was involved in selling or dealing drugs, or even doing them. All I know is that I would catch on to his little lies and BS stories after meeting him once. i just didn’t like/trust him.

From his GFs mouth he accused someone of stealing his bank cards, she later found them stashed in his belongings and turns out he fessed up and admitted to hiding them because he didn’t want to pay her the money he owed her.

I have NEVER been involved ith this guy and never wanted to be involved with him in ANY WAY shape or form! He disgusted me, he disgusted me to the point where I wouldn’t even hang out with his GF (one of my good friends) if he was around. It came to a point where I didn’t like him so much that I didn’t go over to their house to hang out with her because she was dating him.

IMO, he was an ugly, disgusting sad excusure for a human being. (I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead). Don’t get me wrong, I feel horrible he is dead, it sickens me that someone I know has been shot and killed. I am really saddened that this has happened and no one deserves this.

You are right tho, I feel as though I am the person EVERYONE runs to, to solve their problems or ask for help. In all honesty i’m fucking sick of it. I want to scream, yell kick and cry.

Two days after the murder when I was sitting with my family I recieved a text message from a GF of mine asking how far I was from her house, (I had told her that day and the day before about everything that had happened) and I responded to her text asking her to call me. She called me complaining about all her issues and how she wanted to know if I was close to her house because she needed a ride to get SMOKES! I think that’s what pushed me over the edge. I calmly explainred that I was going through my own stuff (yet again) and she started crying and complaining how her head hurt.

The next day I was on a rampage, I have basically told EVRYONE off and seeked medical attention in the days following. I’m coping well (or okay) since seeing a Doctor, except for when it comes to the memorial and wonering what could have stopped this from happening or stopped people i’m close to from being there.

The GF of the victim told me today that things will work themselves out and I shouldn’t be putting so much effort into it. A HUGE change from her calling me cold, heartless and disgusting because I tried to distance myself or not be onvolved in what was taking place.

I have sat down withmy husband and explained my concerns, issues and thoughts. he also seems to be taking it better since the days have gone by. I know he isn’t fixed, he watched someone die.

Right now I just find myself picking up the pieces and try to deal with this man who was slain and how his life choices have even people he didn’t know well affecting others they way it is.

I’m not supposed to speak about this stuff but all I can say is the police still don’t know if it was random or not. The suspects broke through the backdoor and shot him while he was closing the bar. One of the suspects (the shooter) stood there watching people scramble and got a good look at my cousins face. HE JUST STOOD THERE WATCHING! Calmly.

I have since laid flowers in front of the bar with his family and GF because they asked me to be there as my loved ones were there when it happened.

Hid gfs words echo in my mind "you have your man to wake up with and work your problems out with, I don’t have mine". That is what she said to me when I told her what i had said to my husband after this all happened.

Oh BS….everyone speaks ill of the dead and the living. Just because someone dies does not elevate them to "hero" status who is above reproach. Some people are pricks in life and when they die, they’re dead pricks. Being honest about your feelings is healthy. The underlying idea in your statement seems to be that you aren’t allowed to feel your feelings because the dude is dead…..so now you have to play nice. That is not something I even remotely agree with.

You are right tho, I feel as though I am the person EVERYONE runs to, to solve their problems or ask for help. In all honesty i’m fucking sick of it. I want to scream, yell kick and cry.

So stop being this person. Tell people you can’t talk right now….don’t engage…..distance yourself from them. You don’t have to pick up the phone when it rings, you don’t have to return text/voice mail messages right when they’re sent, you don’t have to do any of that.

You are making a choice to remain the "go to" person and you can make a different choice. You don’t have to have a long winded explanation, just stop being so available all the time.

Two days after the murder when I was sitting with my family I recieved a text message from a GF of mine asking how far I was from her house, (I had told her that day and the day before about everything that had happened) and I responded to her text asking her to call me. She called me complaining about all her issues and how she wanted to know if I was close to her house because she needed a ride to get SMOKES! I think that’s what pushed me over the edge. I calmly explainred that I was going through my own stuff (yet again) and she started crying and complaining how her head hurt.

This is ridiculous. She’s using you and then trying to guilt you into doing something for her when you refuse. Get a new friend because she’s not a friend to you.

The next day I was on a rampage, I have basically told EVRYONE off and seeked medical attention in the days following. I’m coping well (or okay) since seeing a Doctor, except for when it comes to the memorial and wonering what could have stopped this from happening or stopped people i’m close to from being there.

Good. Now stop answering the phone.

I have sat down withmy husband and explained my concerns, issues and thoughts. he also seems to be taking it better since the days have gone by. I know he isn’t fixed, he watched someone die.

he won’t be fixed for a long time….this is not something that one gets over quickly or easily. The road ahead will be long and difficult. Keep seeking professional help.

Hid gfs words echo in my mind "you have your man to wake up with and work your problems out with, I don’t have mine". That is what she said to me when I told her what i had said to my husband after this all happened.

Fuck that shit. Don’t listen to her. She’s trying to make you feel guilty for her husbands murder. It’s not your fault and you should not feel guilty for having a normal life. You and your group of friends sound like you just gouge away at each other for simply to get someone to do what they want them to do and/or as a way of dealing with the pain of loss. That’s not healthy.

It sounds like guilt is a common theme among your circle of friends. Fuck that shit. Take care of you….stop being so available and you’ll likely find that you have more capacity to deal with the occasional emotional storms.

Thanks so much Cootie, and everyone else who has helped me vent and gave good ideas. All of it has really helped me through this shit storm that has blown through my life. I am coping much better and have actually used most of the advice that was given

The last few days I have really started to feel better, I have actually had more sleep last night than I have anyother night since this all happened.

It feels great to get this all out and actually talk to people who are outside my situation.

Thanks again guys and thank you Darketernal for posting for me

Friday night my hubby went to visit a friend of ours BF while he was at work closing up the bar.

Someone burst in the back door and shot him three times, my hubby was five feet away from him and the guy who got shot died in my cousins arms.

The gf of the guy who died is a really good friend of ours so we have been crying, laughng, confused, hurt ect together for the last three days. The guy who died was always smiling, laughing, happy and hard working. He also had a 3 year old daughter.

I’m not sure what my point of sharing this is, I just feel empty and completely worn out, too many emotions to go through and too many sleepless nights.

Last night his Mother flew out to claim his body, we are now trying to plan fundraisers for a memorial service and to get him back home to Ontario.

I’m exhausted.

I sleep but not much, I haven’t really had anything to eat in the last few days. I’ve been busy consolling and planning all this stuff alongside all the other people involved. I don’t know how much more I can take and on top of it my close friends who know what’s been going on are stressing me out calling and asking for money, rides, a shoulder to cry on because of their own issues.

How does one cope with all this? I’m running out of everything.

I hope they catch the assailant so at least that chapter is closed, and the suspect isn’t free to take someone elses life.
I can’t imagine what you’re all going through at this point. You have my deepest sympathies.

Just remember to take care of yourself in all this. It’s wonderful to be there to support your friend, but if you don’t take care of yourself you’ll not be of use to anyone and you’ll compromise your own health in the process. Making this tragedy compound itself in the victims it claims. This is for you and to share with your friend(s).

There are healing teas you can buy so as to soothe your nerves and help you to cope emotionally.Green tea is very good for this. Also you can check this website: www(dot)herbs2000)dot)com(forwardslash)disorders(f orwardslash)grief(dot)htm

Kava Kava is an excellent herbal nervine. You can buy that in liquid tincture form, (standardized extract is best and the most potent form as it contains all of the active constituents of the herb(s) so that you get the fullest effects of their healing properties. )

Aromatherapy is also great. Lavendar essential oil, dabbed on a hankie and placed inside your pillow so as to allow the aroma to soothe you while you sleep, is a great emotional staple. Also, the dried flowers are good for this as a sachet used the same way. (Essential oil can be used on your pulse points (behind the ear, on the wrist, behind the knee) so as to help perfume and soothe you as well.

Bach’s Rescue Remedy is superior, for healing any emotional distress.

I rescued an abused 5 year old male Lhasa Apso two years ago, that was tormented through food neglect. He’d play and then bite and he’d bite if I even touched his food dish trying to put it closer to him as he scarfed the food down and the dish moved, making it hard for him to have the food right in front at all times.

I bought the Bach’s Rescue remedy liquid spray and the pearls both, and within a week he was calmer. And now after 2 years of intermittent use, he’s a whole other dog. Happy, peaceful, patient.

It works wonders.

Drink lots of water, get away from the stress of the grieving environment and take long walks. Even if it’s cold where you are, walk and let the cold wash away your torment.

Long hot baths are great as well. Add some Epsom salts to cleanse your body and increase circulation, which helps to soothe and balance your emotional centers. You can also add the lavender flowers or essential oil to the water. Use a tub pillow or roll up a towel at the back of your neck. Turn off all the lights, light a candle(s), play some soothing music and feel all your sadness, stress, drain into the water and wash off of you.
Afterward, as the tub is draining if you also have a shower head, turn that on warm and let it spray you off. Then lower the temperature slowly while it continues to spray until it’s as cold as you can stand. This will reinvigorate your body with the gradual flow of water temperature changes. You’ll feel invigorated after you get out and yet, you’ll be able to sleep if you do this just before bed.

Melatonin, a natural sleep remedy, is a great addition to help heal sleeplessness. It’s non-habit forming and let’s you fall to sleep naturally. You won’t feel zonked out and there’s no sleepy after effects next day. It’s a glorious cure for jet lag. Take Melatonin as your International flight is taking off, or if you’re on that long journey to Hawaii which can seem like forever, and when you land you’ll be ready to go. While your fellow non-Melatonin passengers will be ready for bed.

(HUGS) I wish you peace, strength and healing as you journey through this horrible time. My sympathies to everyone.

i tried to read the OP, but its too hard to follow

try not to use so many pronouns

God’s! Given all they’re going through that’s an absurd heartless comment to afford, thinking their priority should be to pander to your request for less pronouns.

Don’t like the post, pass on to another one. It’s rather simple.

take your own advice?

Wow, that is devastating. I hope you are coping with it well. The only way to get a genuine response is to seek professional help or consult with someone who has been in a similar situation that you trust, to help guide you out of it, in a healthy way.

A therapist would be the best solution and find one that specializes in traumatic experiences (deaths, etc..).

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