get your disordered booties in here

*Notice: I don’t want this to be triggering to anyone in anyway, but I can’t promise it won’t be. Just be careful guys*

So how are you guys doing lately?

I know a few of you were seeking treatment/recovery- how’s that going? I’m having a shitty time trying to keep my ED in check lately. In fact, its really getting bad these past few weeks. Maybe its summer coming up. I dunno.

But, against my better judgment, I did go buy a new scale last week. Obviously I knew what was going to happen, yet somehow I convinced myself I’d be fine with one in the apt. Not one of my better decisions- but at the same time, I know i won’t get rid of it any time soon.

So, question for you all- I was thinking about it all when I was in the shower the other day (I do a lot of thinking in the shower) and we’ve all heard people talk about how Eds are about control, not food. blah blah blah. But I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I control my entire life and sometimes wish I didn’t have to. I feel like mine is about punishment more than anything else. I don’t feel like I deserve the food.

So, my question to you- what’s behind your ED? Why do you do it?
My ED is just a bunch of insecurities lashing out at me.

I don’t know how to explain it.. I’m sick of the line of it being about control, but in many ways that IS true. Whenever I feel like things are going a little crazy, and I stress out, I revert back to ED behaviors. For me, I also use my ED as punishment. If I get in a fight with the SO or a close friend, I feel like I DON’T deserve food or anything that would make me happy. Even if I do bad at something or if I’m having money problems, that ‘thing’ whatever it may be is MY fault so I don’t deserve the food. But then at the same time, I occasionally punish myself through binges which makes me hate myself even more. I love the feeling of being hungry and hate feeling full.. So maybe I’m punishing myself by forcing myself to feel full? I have no idea.

And as much as I hate to say it, my ED is sometimes about body image and is actually about food itself. I am no longer a good judge of what I actually look like. I can spend hours in the mirror and never be satisfied with my weight but I have no idea what my ideal body type is either. I don’t want to be a skeleton, but at 98 lbs I think I’m a fat whale. I’m almost 22 and I have to wear kids shorts/jeans but I still think that my body is disgustingly huge. I have no idea what brings on these feelings and I wish that they would stop. If i could see myself the way that others see me, I think that things would get easier but no matter how hard I try, I still don’t see the small girl that people claim I am.

I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be hungry. If my stomach growls it is a sign of accomplishment. For a while I wasn’t eating to the point that I would zone out for hours because my body was shutting down. It scared the crap out of my boyfriend, so I put myself basically on a food schedule. Hopefully I’ll start to feel hungry again, but I hate the weight gain that I’ve already experienced from eating regularly. I was in a car accident so I can’t work out at all and that’s just adding to my anxiety, which leads me to want to restrict, but I can’t because I don’t want to scare him.. So really, it’s all just a terrible cycle right now.

For the most part I’m handling things ok.. I get triggered every now and then, but I try to talk things out/stay distracted to keep myself grounded. The part that sucks the most is that I feel happier when I restrict, but I know that my boyfriend hates it and he’s the one really good thing in my life right now, so in a way I am trying to silence my eating disorder to keep him. He’s already said/threatened that he won’t watch me kill myself. He’s there to be a shoulder to cry on but won’t force me to do anything. He understands that forcing me to eat wont fix me, but he wants to work on my relationship with food instead of ignoring it like so many others have done in the past. So really, I can’t lose this guy.

And sorry to turn your thread into a vent/rant
Vent and rant all you please! There are a good handful of us here that deal with this, yet none of us talk about it. It’s kinda sucky.

BTW- I could have written your entire post myself. The boyfriend, the punishment, the accomplishment from restricting, the inability to judge what you really look like- all of it. I’m there too.

Who else out there? Chat with us…
No worries! No dumb questions here

If you think you should go talk to someone, than definitely go. This is no fun. But, months of weight fluctuations and emotions controlling your diet- sounds to me like you may already be there. So what do you think is behind your undefined eating habits?

i just never know who i can talk to. it’s been so long since i’ve seen a therapist. have a bad taste in my mouth for them.

i’m sure the thing behind my eating issues is the same thing that causes all my issues. nothing i’m willing to discuss on OT though

PM if you ever need to talk.

Idk, I hate therapists with a passion. Group therapy DESTROYED me because the leader let everyone else trash me for 20 min. Therapy is a waste of time and money in my opinion, I’d rather just vent to a friend or write it out. I know my thoughts are irrational, I don’t need anyone telling me that.
I developed bulimia at the age of eleven, and anorexia at the age of fourteen. Both combined into a horrible monster until…last year, approximately. I moved out of my house and in with some friends who’ve helped immensely with everything. I think I consider myself in recovery, after a fashion.

What catapulted everything for me was being put on Zoloft, which had me drop 25 pounds within a few months, hitting under 100. It just got worse from there, really, but I don’t want to get into too many specifics. I’m just going to say that I was far enough gone that I had lanugo and my heart was periodically skipping beats.

I’m about to start talking to a therapist about it for the first time (i’ve been in therapy before and it really works for me, but i’d always hid the fact that i had an eating disorder), and I can’t tell if I’m scared or excited. Probably both.

So my question to you guys is, did you frequent pro-ana communities or websites? Either the kind that were support groups or the ones that had all those tips and tricks and things like that? What do you think the effect it had on you was?
I didn’t at first, no. There were a group of about 5 of us in 7th grade that all had eating disorders- so that was our little destructive community. That lasted until 10th grade when most of the girls got better, except me and another good friend of mine. She went into recovery our junior year of HS and to be honest, I felt pretty betrayed.

From the last two years of high school through my first year of college, I didn’t know anyone else with an ED so I definitely turned to those pro-ana sites. I loved them. I was obsessed with them. I went to them originally because I just wanted someone to talk to who understood what I was dealing with and won’t urge me to seek treatment. But obviously there is usually more enabling than support in those kinds of places, so it just sucked me in more.

My sophomore year of college I learned that a few friends of mine had either relapsed or developed an ED. Since I had close friends that were doing the same thing I was, I only used the websites if I needed a little boost every once in a while. We were less destructive in our "support" of each other but we still encouraged each other’s EDs.

I had maintained a fairly stable recovery for the better part of 3 years, but have been really flirting with relapse in the past year. I have one very good friend who is anorexic and trying her damnedest to recover, so I make sure never to talk about my ED around her. For years we would workout together every day- so when she started working toward recovery, we decided to stopped talking for a while. We knew would couldn’t be around each other without making it harder on ourselves. Now, we live in different states, and are very close again, but I don’t want my ED to hurt her recovery. She’s already come so far. It would kill me if my actions caused her relapse.

The past few months I’ve really been in a punishing mood and have been on the pro-ana sites often. But really- I don’t think it would matter if those sites were around or not. I’ve known all the "tricks"- I don’t need any help there. I’d just run to CVS and pick up Cosmo and continue on. When you’re really trying for recovery though, the support groups that really are supportive are really great.
Where are the guys BTW? I know there are a few of you guys lurking around here…

I know a few of you have been seeking recovery- hope you’re doing so great!!

Depends on how you define pro-ana. Was a member of House of Sins with the holocaust pictures as thinspiration? Sure, but did I frequent them..? Not so much. I did use those sites to make my food boxes. You know, the boxes that you would stash your holiday candy in. The outside was covered with thin, anorexic skeletons and models, and the inside – where the food was – had a lovely collage of fatties. Basically to give me the message that if I ate that shit, I would get fat. And then right on the bottom, a razor blade because I sucked at purging. Yep, if I ate it, I had to cut as punishment. It was really a terrible cycle because then cutting wasn’t a good enough punishment.

The sites that helped were sites like ana.luli (now closed) and then lunchbox (now boring). Those sites taught me good and bad. I become more comfortable with myself, but also taught bad habits. For instance, how to chew/spit – one time I ordered a WHOLE pizza and spat the fucker out. My dad was proud because I ate it in my room and since they knew I wasn’t purging they thought I actually ate it, little did they know I just chewed it up and spat it out and then threw the bag of food out my window. That was a weird phase.. and I quickly stopped that because I was afraid I was swallowing all the fat, and just spitting out the ‘food.’

So then I went back to the real pro-ana (non support) sites to learn how to purge better. And since that was too noisy and I hated the burn, I just turned to over-exercising and destroyed my ankles for a bit. I would stay up all night running and then all day sleeping. If I only I could have that motivation now.

I guess to answer your question, I think those sites kind of turned my depression etc even more against me. A lot of girls go through the "I want to be thin" phase and blot their pizza and basically "pretend" to be anorexic. With me, I took those fads and learned how to make them a reality through the websites, I gained a sort of acceptance and felt justified. I’m not saying that the thinspiration days fueled my ED but I might have been more geared towards recovery at an early age if I hadn’t found acceptance/encouragement in my behaviors.

I still frequent the support boards and it’s hard at times. I’m trying to stay focused on being healthy, but all the thin girls are idolized there so it makes recovery aimed people seem like the disgusting fatties all over again. I do think the recovery sites are good, but girls are just really competitive so sometimes it still feels like a race to be the thinnest and most "sick."
I frequented the pro-ana boards all throughout high school and yeah, it was basically chubby Midwestern girls promising to swear off their ice-cream habit next week and drooling over holocaust victims/runway models. GREAT for tips though…

I suffered through an ED in high school that got really severe my junior year, when I began restricting myself to < 400 calories and doing way too much cardio. I went from being about average to freakishly thin but no one noticed until about 12th grade when I bought slimmer fitting clothes that showed how thin I had gotten…I still suffer, but it’s definitely in remission now. I can make light of it and watching what I eat doesn’t consume the majority of my thoughts but I feel like it will come right back, stronger than ever at any moment. You never get rid of it. I still count calories.

I frequented the pro-ana boards all throughout high school and yeah, it was basically chubby Midwestern girls promising to swear off their ice-cream habit next week and drooling over holocaust victims/runway models. GREAT for tips though…

I suffered through an ED in high school that got really severe my junior year, when I began restricting myself to < 400 calories and doing way too much cardio. I went from being about average to freakishly thin but no one noticed until about 12th grade when I bought slimmer fitting clothes that showed how thin I had gotten…I still suffer, but it’s definitely in remission now. I can make light of it and watching what I eat doesn’t consume the majority of my thoughts but I feel like it will come right back, stronger than ever at any moment. You never get rid of it. I still count calories.

Which is an unsettling yet oddly comforting thought.
What about the cons of ruining your teeth & gums, bad breath, gastrointestinal disorders, esophageal cancer, muscle atrophy, etc.

Yeah. It’s like your old best friend, only…the kind of best friend who stole your boyfriend and your favourite shirts and told you that you were a failure.

Exactly!!!

And like you want to talk to her, but you know you shouldn’t.

and you want to prove to everyone that you’re better friends with your bestie than they are with their besties. in a weird, tragic way.

not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me. spend too much time in those pro-ana communities and your sense of reality become distorted.

yeah, it does. i stay away from them now because i really am trying. i’ve come a long way as far as being comfortable with my body goes. i mean…i nearly killed myself for it, i had to come a long way. my goal was to be in the hospital by the end of my freshman year in college, but instead i chose life. i think it’s a decision everyone has to make.

The sad thing is that it doesn’t matter to you when you’re in the middle of it. You’re not in a rational state of mind when you have an eating disorder- you can’t use logic to work your way out of it.

Plus, you never think those types of things are really going to happen to you- until they do. And you always think you can control it, you don’t realize that it’ll eat you alive sooner than later.

Don’t waste your time babe. No ED is better or worse, more glamorous or less disgusting than the other. They’re all destructive and they all suck.

BTW- to anyone reading this, thinking they want an ED. BELIEVE ME. YOU DON’T. You want to lose weight, fine. But do it the right way, don’t get yourself sucked into this life. Like KindlyCuddly said- you NEVER get rid of this. You might think you want that- but it gets old, and quick. But once you’re in, you’re fucked. So save yourself the pain and heartache. Just don’t start.
Thanks for defining it. I thought ED was "erectile dysfunction" but then the rest of the first post didn’t make any sense

Didn’t even think of that! Sorry doll More details next time, I promise.
I’m 23, 5’2" and about 96 pounds. I always think I’m huge (mostly around my stomach.) I mean my size 0 jeans are friggin loose on me and that doesn’t convince me that I’m skinny.

It’s not about control for me. I just think I’m fat. I always have and probably always will. I experimented with MIA during college. It was enjoyable, and throwing up seemed to be an amazing stress reliever.

When I do eat "normally" I consume a lot more than most people, including fast foods, and never made it over 100 pounds.

It’s not even like I HAVE to purge or starve to stay at a low weight, it’s just that I want to be a lot lower than I am now. I would probably love being 80 pounds…would love walking around knowing that I’m the thinnest person everywhere I go. To me, being skinny is the most victorious thing in the entire world.

I wish thoughts of food and weight didn’t consume my mind, but I also wish I could simply find satisfaction with myself and my appearance.

I wish thoughts of food and weight didn’t consume my mind, but I also wish I could simply find satisfaction with myself and my appearance.

That’s so universal too. In this thread, we have it all -anorexia, bulimia, binge eating and ed nos (that’s eating disorders not otherwise specified for those who don’t know – got ya covered this time Falconer ), yet we all want the same thing.

I don’t even know how my eating disorder started- I feel like I’ve always had it I remember sitting in the library at my elementary school in 2nd grade talking to my little friends and we were talking about how we needed to go on diets because we all thought we were fat. I don’t even know why- we were all petite little girls. I remember sitting in science class not too long after that and our teacher telling us how fat is bad and it’ll clog your arteries blah blah blah. I don’t know- it just kind of stuck. I’ve been manipulating my diet since I was 8. I was very tall when I was 10- I felt like I had to be thin so I didn’t look like a monster. I started restricting in 5th grade, purging at 7th grade and I’ve been doing both ever since. I was in recovery for the past few years, but that is no longer the case. It kinda kills me to think that I’ll be dealing with this for the rest of my life- yet at the same time, (like Kristaliah said) its oddly comforting because I can’t imagine my life without it.

I’m rereading this thread on devouring chinese food. I’m worthless.

I’m rereading this thread on devouring chinese food. I’m worthless.

your worth a lot to me

I’m rereading this thread on devouring chinese food. I’m worthless.

In a fit of weakness and stupidity, I decided I should make and eat lemon poppy seed muffins for lunch today. I’ll be paying for this one for the next week. Worthlessness all around!
All I had today was a cup of Honey Nut Cheerios and a Strawberry + Banana smoothie.

I chewed gum and drank a ton of water, but I don’t really count stuff like that.
Okay seriously- we can’t start doing this. I don’t want this thread to turn into something horribly triggering for others.

Yea.. I agree.

I don’t like the whole what-did-you-eat threads even though I kinda started it. I just thought it was ironic..
^ Sorry.

Yeah I only posted what I ate cause while I was skimming I saw other people write what they ate.

Didn’t mean to cause trouble.

^ Sorry.

Yeah I only posted what I ate cause while I was skimming I saw other people write what they ate.

Didn’t mean to cause trouble.

Not your fault. I started it.
Do any of you have myspaces? I log in there, more than I do here. It might be nice to talk to some of you on myspace.

I use facebook more.

I’ll PM them both to you though.

And LUCKY NEEDS TO CLEAN OUT HER PM’s!!! &*(^*&^*&
sorry sorry! I suck at life right now

Don’t sweat it BBY No trouble caused. My fault too. It’s nice to have people to talk to about this, I just don’t want to get this thread closed.

BTW, my internet BLOWS and its driving me NUTS!!!
^ I have dialup internet, so I know the pain of sucky Internet.

Yeah I dont want your thread to get closed either. A lot of ED content on the web gets deleted. I was banned from myspace (my first account) for having a support group for girls with EDs. (Not support like Pro Ana crap, Support like…giving support to each other)
i used to have a lot of eating problems. it came up twice in my life in a matter of a couple years. i have since gained control after a long talk with myself on how i was destroying my body.

Where are the guys BTW? I know there are a few of you guys lurking around here…

I know a few of you have been seeking recovery- hope you’re doing so great!!

You know what’s sad? A part of me doesn’t want recovery, because recovery to me = FAT..

I just wish I had "normal" opinions and thoughts concerning food.

A part of me doesn’t want recovery, because recovery to me = FAT..

That’s just what happened to me. I wanted recovery cause I was sick of this bullshit. Then I met a great guy and I knew that I couldn’t really have him and my ED at the same time. So I went the recovery route… and blew up in the process It absolutely slays me every day. I know how disgusting I look and I can barely look at myself most days. I just feel like I’ve got to get get back down – maybe not down to where I was at my lowest weight, but close. I can’t even believe my SO when he tells me he thinks I’m pretty- I tell him he’s just blinded by love. I know it hurts his feelings, but I also know its true. I just sit there and think "Shut the fuck up. I’m not blind, I know what I look like. Don’t fucking lie to me just because you’re trying to be nice." It really pisses me off.

I hate the thought of my ED threatening my relationship, so I just keep hoping it won’t happen that way. That’s why I figure if I just get down to close to where i used to be and maintain that, then everyone will be happy

i used to have a lot of eating problems. it came up twice in my life in a matter of a couple years. i have since gained control after a long talk with myself on how i was destroying my body.

That is fantastic! Good for you man!!

That’s just what happened to me. I wanted recovery cause I was sick of this bullshit. Then I met a great guy and I knew that I couldn’t really have him and my ED at the same time. So I went the recovery route… and blew up in the process It absolutely slays me every day. I know how disgusting I look and I can barely look at myself most days. I just feel like I’ve got to get get back down – maybe not down to where I was at my lowest weight, but close. I can’t even believe my SO when he tells me he thinks I’m pretty- I tell him he’s just blinded by love. I know it hurts his feelings, but I also know its true. I just sit there and think "Shut the fuck up. I’m not blind, I know what I look like. Don’t fucking lie to me just because you’re trying to be nice." It really pisses me off.

I hate the thought of my ED threatening my relationship, so I just keep hoping it won’t happen that way. That’s why I figure if I just get down to close to where i used to be and maintain that, then everyone will be happy

That is EXACTLY what I’m dealing with now. Nevermind the fact that when my SO has seen me at some low weights he thought my body "looked amazing" now, eh, if he said those things it would only be because he knew I was upset, not because he meant it.

Or at least that’s how my brain works.

Being IN a relationship really fucks up this disorder.. Trying to be the best, most perfect and perky girlfriend, means that restricting is near impossible. Especially when we are around each other nearly 24/7.. I love hanging out with him and I LOVE being around him all day, everyday, but I kind of want to say "my thighs would appreciate it if you gave me a few days off." When he’s not around, I don’t have to eat. It’s easier.

I realize that I can’t be successful at both. I can’t "win" at my eating disorder and get down to my goal weight while dating him.. So it’s almost like I have to chose. So I know what you mean when you say that you hate feeling like your ED is threatening your relationship.. I’ve realized that there is NO happy medium. He can always tell when I’ve skipped meals, lied about meals etc.. It sucks. I’m happy when I’m with him, but when I’m laying around in bed alone or even in the shower – just anywhere alone with my body – I hate myself.
And it’s so absurd because you sit there and think "What am I doing?!? This guy loves me- he has no real reason to, but he does -so why the hell would I want to let something like food fuck this up?" But then it takes like 5 minutes, and you’re back to deciding what you can get by on for the day. I try so hard to have both, even thought I know for a fact that it is not possible. We’ve been together almost 5 years and some days I’d still rather pick my ED over him. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Sometimes I feel like I get so close to figuring out how to get out of this maze only to get sucked right back in. Its like I don’t know who I am without my eating disorder. Isn’t that awful? If I’m not my ED, than who am I? This is part of my identity.

I know this doesn’t make any sense, since it is Hollywood and all, but when I read interviews with actresses in magazines I always think, "See? She eats next to nothing and works out all day and she has a good life. She’s married and has a family and I bet her husband doesn’t get on her case about what she’s eating. Maybe she’s just better at hiding it. If she can do it, I can too."

The more I write, the more retarded I sound. I’ll shut up now.
My boyfriend of over four years loves me but he says he’d probably leave me if I get too skinny or too "sick."

What’s twisted is….despite the fact that I want to marry him, if I had to choose between having my ideal weight/body or him, I’d go with the superficial route..

My boyfriend of over four years loves me but he says he’d probably leave me if I get too skinny or too "sick."

What’s twisted is….despite the fact that I want to marry him, if I had to choose between having my ideal weight/body or him, I’d go with the superficial route..

But it’s not superficial.. It just appears to be that way and that is by far the hardest thing to try and explain to ANYONE. I by no means think that I’m attractive on any level. Every once in a while, for a split second I’ll think that I’m "cute" but it ends there. I can say, "oh I have nice wrists," or "I like ____" but it’s rarely a "wow, I look good" kinda statement. And I don’t think that being smaller will make me "hot". It will just make me.. more complete? It’s the hardest thing in the world to explain because I don’t even understand it, but I don’t think that a lower weight will make me hot, just more "together" mentally, socially, and physically. I won’t feel as disgusting, so maybe the lost pounds will add more confidence, but I’ll always find faults within myself – I’ll just have more bones that look perfect, and more body parts to admire, but I’m not sure that I’ll ever be content with the whole package.

Once again, I make no sense.

Oh, and how fucked up is it that I almost want to "test" my boyfriend to see if he really WOULD leave me if I was emaciated?? I know that I could never actually get that thin, and that my bitchiness from restricting would drive him away first.. but I always wonder if we did break up because of my ED (restriction, low weight whatever), would he be there when I went IP? It’s not something I realistically want to test.. It’s just fucked up that he would dump me over something like this. I understand it, but at the same time like Lucky said, it really is a part of my identity now. I have very few likes and dislikes because I never really got to know ME. High school was spent in bed because I was exhausted from studying and not eating.. I never developed my own self/interests. I stayed stagnant.

Idk, I need sleep. My knee hurts like a bitch and I’m exhausted. Plus my mouth has tasted like salt for the past 2 hours and it’s really starting to bother me.

Plus my mouth has tasted like salt for the past 2 hours and it’s really starting to bother me.

I lol’ed out loud and I don’t even know why.

Seriously, if our posts aren’t enough to make anyone thinking about wanting an ED turn an haul ass the other way, then there is no hope.

You’re right K- no matter how I look, I’m never going to be happy. No matter what people say, I won’t believe them. I’m never going to see it- which is way lame because it’d be nice to enjoy the results of this fucked up investment.

And yes, I feel the same about my SO- not that I want to find out, but would he really jump ship if I got "sick" enough? I’m betting he would, but I wonder where that line would be That’s a can of worms better left unopened.
When I hit my lowest weights, niether of the time’s SO’s jumped ship on me. They were concerned, a little bit angry, and I couldn’t handle it so I left. I have a feeling that anorexia is prone to ruining people’s personal relationships. It’s just such an isolationary (…is that even a word?) disease. You can’t really be fighting that kind of a battle with yourself and be convincing the people that you love that you’ll be alright.

Thanks! it just takes support of people who care about you. keep positive and know that you are beautiful no matter what.

You are very sweet. Thank you for your encouragement.

encouragement is what we’re here for, right? without a positive attitude we’d be lost.

Okay- some questions… So what do you do to keep yourself from going back? How were you able to talk yourself out of it? Did you ever have the urge to revert back to your old behaviors?

Some people swear by this webiste and the 5 stages of recovery –

I haven’t actually read the whole thing but it seems a little to me. But maybe that’s just because I haven’t read it.

I do know, that people stress that finding out who YOU are outside of your eating disorder is a good way to find a way out of it.. Since it is an addiction, it can consume your whole identity. So when you get stressed, you get triggered back into that safe haven.. The safety net of who you once were, and who maybe you believe is your true self. If you can find our true self seperate from puking, scales, calories, restriction etc, then you can truly recover.

A lot of ppl have also said that it was MUCH easier to start the recovery process FOR someone else. Boyfriend, daughter, parent whatever and then use their pain/disappointment as a way to avoid falling back into the rabbit hole. I don’t always agree with that because then you’re taking on what they want you to be, and you’re still avoiding finding yourself. If that makes any sense…

I think we also have to stop seeing our eating disorder as a sign of strength. Being able to puke on command is empowering. Not eating for days is empowering. But an eating disorder is a dirty, disgusting weakness and somehow we have to teach our brains that. We see glimpses of the weakness when we are blind through a binge, losing memories, or fading in and out of consciousness but somehow we still think that those behaviors are a good thing. It means we are winning… but we aren’t. We’ve lost ourselves in something far more terrible than we could ever imagine. But that’s the real kicker, when you’re knee deep in an eating disorder, being sick a very good thing.

Maybe it does go back to that whole identity thing.. And learning how to cope with something other than an eating disorder.. You really have to change your whole way of thinking, and I think that’s where a lot of us are prone to relapse. We may gain the weight to get out from under the microscope, but nothing inside changed. And obviously, I have no idea how to change that.

So basically, my whole post was just a bunch of worthless rambles.
Worthless rambles that hit the nail on the head, man.

You have to stop seeing it as winning and start seeing it as just another example of your horrible, horrible disease. I don’t think you can turn it around on yourself and feel like a failure for losing weight instead of seeing yourself as a failure for not losing weight, but you do have to own up to the problem.

We may gain the weight to get out from under the microscope, but nothing inside changed.

DOT! Man, I feel like I’ve been viciously beating this thing off for years but it never goes away. It backs off enough that I have feel like I have more control over my actions and the people around me feel like they don’t have to worry as much, but in reality, its always there. I wake up in the morning and this monster is staring me in the face. Taunting me all day. "What are you going to eat today? Why did you choose that? You are disgusting, put the food down. You don’t deserve to eat that, you’re not good enough." Blah blah blah. All fucking day. This is just so much bigger than I am. I’ve been trying to stay in recovery for what feels like an eternity but now, I’m just tired. Part of me is pissed that I’ve relapsed, but a bigger part is almost relieved. I don’t even know what that means.

Right now I don’t even want recovery. I just want to be thin again.
And I find it ironic that we all know what we need to do to find recovery, but we can’t make it work. Suck wad.

Same here. I feel like a recovery expert at times and sometimes preach to friends, yet I fail at it every chance I get. I guess I’m just still being "watched" enough that I’ve learned how to act recovered? And I’m huge, so that probably helps. If you no longer look anorexic, than oh god! you MUST be healthy. Fuckwads.

The sad thing is that it doesn’t matter to you when you’re in the middle of it. You’re not in a rational state of mind when you have an eating disorder- you can’t use logic to work your way out of it.

Plus, you never think those types of things are really going to happen to you- until they do. And you always think you can control it, you don’t realize that it’ll eat you alive sooner than later.

where do you think it comes from? magazines? tv? lack of sports and video games?

I was the biggest tomboy until senior year and I was at my lowest ED weight sophmore year.

I don’t blame the media because I could have cared less about who the skinniest actresses were. I didn’t even start watching MTV regularly until I moved out. The whole time I was living at home I watched CSPAN, the British House of Commons and cartoons. I don’t know what caused my eating disorder. I do know that for my whole life I was insanely scared of everything. I still am. I hate change. Always have, always will. And for some reason, I hated everyone who ever tried to love me, including my parents. I was very strong willed and determined to be independent but wanted to be coddled the whole way too. It’s like I’m a child AND an adult sharing one body.. A body that I want to let grow up, and a body that I want to keep young, pure, safe.

If I could figure out what caused all of this, I think it would be a LOT easier to fix.
And just so you know.. There are female athletes and gamers with eating disorders. It’s not just for prissy hollywood obsessed girls.

Ya know, the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that it doesn’t really come from one specific place. It’s not all from tv, internet and Hollywood. I think that’s just a likely excuse. I’m sure it does play a part for some people. I’m totally guilty of staring at high fashion magazines for hours when I need a bit of thinspiration (read: pictures of thin people that you aspire to look like) But it was definitely not the cause of my eating disorder.

I feel like I’ve always had my eating disorder. Like I had mentioned earlier, I put myself on my first diet when I was 8. My eating disorder comes from my mom and my grandma. My mom likes to tell me every time I see her how fat I am and how I wold be so much better if I wasn’t. For example: I was talking to her last week as she was packing to go on vacation with my dad. She was telling me how happy she was that she got a tummy tuck and lost 10 lbs and how I should really save up my money and get one too, because I’d look so much better. Then she wanted to talk about how I was destined to get cancer someday because I’ve been fat for so much longer than she ever was. My grandma usually doesn’t make comments to my face, but she’s said several things to my boyfriend in the past. They’ve been doing this since I was 12.

My mom was always afraid that my brothers and I would be someday be fat (I have no idea where this preoccupation comes from, no one in my family is overweight) so she made us join a lot of sports and activities. My brothers were wrestlers and soccer players and I was a ballerina and a gymnast. It was never an option, its just what we did.

I can’t speak for anyone else’s eating disorder- I think everyone’s stems from a different place.

Hey! yeah i ended up going back to it. but i convinced myself i was vegan to mask it when in reality i was just eating barely anything. my friends and family started noticing how little i ate. i think you just have to think about the internal damage you could be doing to your metabolism. after a couple of long talks with myself about my health, and what being healthy really means (mental stability) i started eating normal again.
Goodness! If I had that kind of inner conviction and self motivation, do you how much I could get done in one day? My life would be AMAZING!

Good for you, man. That’s really awesome!

Goodness! If I had that kind of inner conviction and self motivation, do you how much I could get done in one day? My life would be AMAZING!

Good for you, man. That’s really awesome!

haha thanks! yeah in the past 4 years i have become a ridiculously motivated person. i don’t know exactly where it came from, but it helps out a lot. we all have the power to be happy with ourselves, it’s a matter of whether or not we want to let ourselves be happy.

Ya know, the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that it doesn’t really come from one specific place. It’s not all from tv, internet and Hollywood. I think that’s just a likely excuse. I’m sure it does play a part for some people. I’m totally guilty of staring at high fashion magazines for hours when I need a bit of thinspiration (read: pictures of thin people that you aspire to look like) But it was definitely not the cause of my eating disorder.

I feel like I’ve always had my eating disorder. Like I had mentioned earlier, I put myself on my first diet when I was 8. My eating disorder comes from my mom and my grandma. My mom likes to tell me every time I see her how fat I am and how I wold be so much better if I wasn’t. For example: I was talking to her last week as she was packing to go on vacation with my dad. She was telling me how happy she was that she got a tummy tuck and lost 10 lbs and how I should really save up my money and get one too, because I’d look so much better. Then she wanted to talk about how I was destined to get cancer someday because I’ve been fat for so much longer than she ever was. My grandma usually doesn’t make comments to my face, but she’s said several things to my boyfriend in the past. They’ve been doing this since I was 12.

My mom was always afraid that my brothers and I would be someday be fat (I have no idea where this preoccupation comes from, no one in my family is overweight) so she made us join a lot of sports and activities. My brothers were wrestlers and soccer players and I was a ballerina and a gymnast. It was never an option, its just what we did.

I can’t speak for anyone else’s eating disorder- I think everyone’s stems from a different place.

It sucks to think that our free will can be broken so easily. The whole world tries to shape you into something they want you to be.

I was the biggest tomboy until senior year and I was at my lowest ED weight sophmore year.

I don’t blame the media because I could have cared less about who the skinniest actresses were. I didn’t even start watching MTV regularly until I moved out. The whole time I was living at home I watched CSPAN, the British House of Commons and cartoons. I don’t know what caused my eating disorder. I do know that for my whole life I was insanely scared of everything. I still am. I hate change. Always have, always will. And for some reason, I hated everyone who ever tried to love me, including my parents. I was very strong willed and determined to be independent but wanted to be coddled the whole way too. It’s like I’m a child AND an adult sharing one body.. A body that I want to let grow up, and a body that I want to keep young, pure, safe.

If I could figure out what caused all of this, I think it would be a LOT easier to fix.

The non-starving countries with the highest percentage of ED’s are:

USA
Japan

weird

The non-starving countries with the highest percentage of ED’s are:

USA
Japan

weird

What the hell? Of all the data you could have possibly chosen from, you use a page of extrapolated statistics? You understand how that works, right? That’s hardly accurate.

yes, the data is fed through a supercomputer which computates the numbers to 99.99% accuracy.

is my friend ana?
No. Extrapolated statistics are when researchers use current trends and apply them to unknown situations. Researchers extend the application of a method or conclusion to an unknown situation by assuming that existing trends will continue or similar methods will be applicable. Because I’m sure that 1,311,334 in Ethiopia have eating disorders.

From your website:

The following table attempts to extrapolate the above prevalence rate for Eating disorders to the populations of various countries and regions. These prevalence extrapolations for Eating disorders are only estimates, based on applying the prevalence rates from the US (or a similar country) to the population of other countries, and therefore may have to the actual prevalence of Eating disorders in any region:

These statistics are calculated extrapolations of various prevalence or incidence rates against the populations of a particular country or region. The statistics used for prevalence/incidence of Eating disorders are typically based on US, UK, Canadian or Australian prevalence or incidence statistics, which are then extrapolated using only the population of the other country. This extrapolation calculation is automated and does not take into account any genetic, cultural, environmental, social, racial or other differences across the various countries and regions for which the extrapolated Eating disorders statistics below refer to. The extrapolation does not use data sources or statistics about any country other than its population.

As such, these extrapolations may be (especially for developing or third-world countries) and only give a general indication (or even a meaningless indication) as to the actual prevalence or incidence of Eating disorders in that region. These statistics are presented only in the hope that they may be interesting to some people.

99% accurate, huh? Weird.

Not that I’m saying that the US doesn’t have a high incidence of eating disorders (I can’t speak for Japan, as I have no clue) – all I’m saying is next time, use a little more logic when supporting a claim.

No. Extrapolated statistics are when researchers use current trends and apply them to unknown situations. Researchers extend the application of a method or conclusion to an unknown situation by assuming that existing trends will continue or similar methods will be applicable. Because I’m sure that 1,311,334 in Ethiopia have eating disorders.

From your website:

The following table attempts to extrapolate the above prevalence rate for Eating disorders to the populations of various countries and regions. These prevalence extrapolations for Eating disorders are only estimates, based on applying the prevalence rates from the US (or a similar country) to the population of other countries, and therefore may have to the actual prevalence of Eating disorders in any region:

These statistics are calculated extrapolations of various prevalence or incidence rates against the populations of a particular country or region. The statistics used for prevalence/incidence of Eating disorders are typically based on US, UK, Canadian or Australian prevalence or incidence statistics, which are then extrapolated using only the population of the other country. This extrapolation calculation is automated and does not take into account any genetic, cultural, environmental, social, racial or other differences across the various countries and regions for which the extrapolated Eating disorders statistics below refer to. The extrapolation does not use data sources or statistics about any country other than its population.

As such, these extrapolations may be (especially for developing or third-world countries) and only give a general indication (or even a meaningless indication) as to the actual prevalence or incidence of Eating disorders in that region. These statistics are presented only in the hope that they may be interesting to some people.

99% accurate, huh? Weird.

Not that I’m saying that the US doesn’t have a high incidence of eating disorders (I can’t speak for Japan, as I have no clue) – all I’m saying is next time, use a little more logic when supporting a claim.

Extrapolation is used in almost all statistics where the findings in a small portion of a population is applied to the entire country. I mentioned USA and Japan because their numbers are the highest of countries that do not have hunger problems such as ethiopia. In this case we’re not talking accuracy, we’re looking at the big picture and that is the USA has a problem with ED.
As for your friend- She’s way too thin for her frame, IMO. But for all I know she has stomach cancer How are her social and eating habits? Do you think she has an eating disorder? You should say something to her if you’re concerned…

Extrapolation IS the use of applying the statistical data from a small portion of a population to a larger population. I already said that. There are plenty of incidences where this means of analysis gives misleading predictions. Not that it doesn’t have its uses. But it does not have 99.99% accuracy.

I mentioned USA and Japan because their numbers are the highest of countries that do not have hunger problems such as ethiopia. In this case we’re not talking accuracy, we’re looking at the big picture and that is the USA has a problem with ED.

Absolutely. The US having a huge number of people with EDs isn’t being disputed at all. I just found it odd that you chose a website full of disclaimers to support your claim.

Anyhow. Question for ya- from a guy’s perspective, what do you think is reason for all the EDs in in US? Do you think its the media?

She says she eats like a pig but can’t gain weight. But she rarely eats. She’ll often "forget" to eat for a day even. Then again she’s in school and it’s finals week.

Extrapolation IS the use of applying the statistical data from a small portion of a population to a larger population. I already said that. There are plenty of incidences where this means of analysis gives misleading predictions. Not that it doesn’t have its uses. But it does not have 99.99% accuracy.

Absolutely. The US having a huge number of people with EDs isn’t being disputed at all. I just found it odd that you chose a website full of disclaimers to support your claim.

Anyhow. Question for ya- from a guy’s perspective, what do you think is reason for all the EDs in in US? Do you think its the media?

I think ED is a result of narcissism…men and women being in love with themselves. They become infatuated with the vision of their own perfection and will do whatever it takes to achieve it. Everyone needs some kind of obsession as it brings meaning to their lives. But some obsessions are intrinsically healthier than others.

She says she eats like a pig but can’t gain weight. But she rarely eats. She’ll often "forget" to eat for a day even. Then again she’s in school and it’s finals week.

She’s lying. Have you ever truly "forgotten" to eat? I’ve been eating disordered over half my life. I have NEVER ONCE forgotten about food. There’s a lot of deception involved with eating disorders. Don’t let her fool you. She wants you to notice, but she doesn’t want you to call her out. I know that makes no sense. If you ask her she’s probably not going to tell you the truth about it- she’ll do everything she can to convince you she’s not sick. But she’ll know you’re on to her. Do you think you’re going to say something to her?

Huh. That’s a really interesting way to look at it. I’ve never thought of it like that before. So do you think that the self hatred that comes along with eating disorders is a result of consistently trying to achieve that perfection, but never being able to attain it?

I’ve never thought about people needing an obsession to bring meaning to their lives. Could you explain?

Yeah I’ll probably ask her sometime, but after finals. I’ll bring up an old friend who looked as bony as her and was anorexic, and ask if she is too.

Huh. That’s a really interesting way to look at it. I’ve never thought of it like that before. So do you think that the self hatred that comes along with eating disorders is a result of consistently trying to achieve that perfection, but never being able to attain it?

I’ve never thought about people needing an obsession to bring meaning to their lives. Could you explain?

Well, I think that’s what happens when people get unrelentingly obsessed over something. It becomes their identity. I used to be completely obsessed over finding this missing girl from my college. I’d walk in the woods every week searching for her. Sometimes I see her on some missing persons tv show and I’d feel that spark again, of thinking that I can be the one to find her. You don’t think rationally when you’re obsessed with something and ED is the same.

Yeah I’ll probably ask her sometime, but after finals. I’ll bring up an old friend who looked as bony as her and was anorexic, and ask if she is too.

Well, I think that’s what happens when people get unrelentingly obsessed over something. It becomes their identity. I used to be completely obsessed over finding this missing girl from my college. I’d walk in the woods every week searching for her. Sometimes I see her on some missing persons tv show and I’d feel that spark again, of thinking that I can be the one to find her. You don’t think rationally when you’re obsessed with something and ED is the same.

I agree with that 100%

It’s an obsession that takes over your identity which is why it’s so hard to let go of.

Well, I think that’s what happens when people get unrelentingly obsessed over something. It becomes their identity. I used to be completely obsessed over finding this missing girl from my college. I’d walk in the woods every week searching for her. Sometimes I see her on some missing persons tv show and I’d feel that spark again, of thinking that I can be the one to find her. You don’t think rationally when you’re obsessed with something and ED is the same.

Wow, first of all, I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been for you. I’m really sorry.

And I totally agree with this. It’s like what we were talking about before- EDs really become a HUGE part of your identity. If you’re not your ED, then who are you? You’re right- you can’t think rationally when you’re completely obsessed.

So then, how do you get un-obsessed? I don’t really want to shoot from one obsession to another.
You need to break the cycle. I think you have to recognize obsession for what it is and awknowledge it when it pops up. In highschool I went from depression to cutting to an eating disorder to psychosis and back to an eating disorder. Now I’m just me. Many-kinds-of-disordered, but still a person. You can’t make your disorders your identity.

Wow, first of all, I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been for you. I’m really sorry.

And I totally agree with this. It’s like what we were talking about before- EDs really become a HUGE part of your identity. If you’re not your ED, then who are you? You’re right- you can’t think rationally when you’re completely obsessed.

So then, how do you get un-obsessed? I don’t really want to shoot from one obsession to another.

Finding something that defines who you are, above anything else. Something healthy, to where that’s what you see yourself being known for and not what you look like
Is this too old for me to bump? I forgot about the thread the last 2 weeks when I had more ‘normal’ eating habits.

Now I’m back to the same stuff. I induced vomiting 2 days ago.
Not too old at all.

I totally understand. I’m SERIOUSLY stressed right now. Needless to say, my eating habits have been less than exemplary.
Yeah I’m annoyed with work, annoyed with family… and annoyed with my body like always
I feel like I’m less stressed when I don’t eat. I don’t really know why- like my head feels clearer and I can manage stress better when I haven’t eaten.

Does that make any sense? Am I alone in this?

(Maybe that’s not really true, but that’s how it feels. Maybe I’ve just convinced myself of this. I don’t know what to think anymore. )

I feel like I’m less stressed when I don’t eat. I don’t really know why- like my head feels clearer and I can manage stress better when I haven’t eaten.

Does that make any sense? Am I alone in this?

(Maybe that’s not really true, but that’s how it feels. Maybe I’ve just convinced myself of this. I don’t know what to think anymore. )

No, it makes sense actually. Some scientists have said that not eating is a way that certain people can feel better because of a certain imbalance of a neurotransmitter (serotonin) in the brain. Not eating would influence it in a way that would make you feel better. There are other ways though, but it’s explainable.
Well look at you Andrew- coming through with the info

I didn’t think I was just imagining that. Thanks man.

(not that its a fantastic excuse- but eh. at least its explainable)
I agree. I feel less stressed when running on empty too.
I have always been to shy to bring my ED up on OT, i’m really happy I found this thread.
I relate to alot of you guys in here, i’m not sure if my ED is 100% control issues i’m told its more "body dysmorphic disorder" (when i look in the mirror all I see is fat). I think no matter what my scale says its not good enough, no matter how big all my stuff is on me its not good enough I shouldn’t eat but I do and its comforting till i’m done stuffing my face.
I was reading through the posts and I came across one about ther poster being 95 pounds and a size 0, that totally made me think my weight was disgusting. I’m 5’5 and a half 120 pounds and wear a size 4, I have gained almost three pounds in the last 2 weeks because I have been "stress eating" but the thing that stresses me out the most is if i eat or drink ANYTHING I go to my scale.
I really feel this ED is controlling me I bring my scale over to my friends house when I go for visits… WHO DOES THAT!? It doesn’t matter to me what people say about "well your skinny" and so on, i just don’t see it, in the end all that matters to me is what I think and how I feel.

I have always been to shy to bring my ED up on OT, i’m really happy I found this thread.
I relate to alot of you guys in here, i’m not sure if my ED is 100% control issues i’m told its more "body dysmorphic disorder" (when i look in the mirror all I see is fat). I think no matter what my scale says its not good enough, no matter how big all my stuff is on me its not good enough I shouldn’t eat but I do and its comforting till i’m done stuffing my face.
I was reading through the posts and I came across one about ther poster being 95 pounds and a size 0, that totally made me think my weight was disgusting. I’m 5’5 and a half 120 pounds and wear a size 4, I have gained almost three pounds in the last 2 weeks because I have been "stress eating" but the thing that stresses me out the most is if i eat or drink ANYTHING I go to my scale.

I really feel this ED is controlling me I bring my scale over to my friends house when I go for visits… WHO DOES THAT!? It doesn’t matter to me what people say about "well your skinny" and so on, i just don’t see it, in the end all that matters to me is what I think and how I feel.

So glad you found us! It is nerve wracking to talk about but the support helps a lot.

Funny you bring it up- I was thinking I was the only one who did that- I take my scale to my bf’s house because he has this tiny analog scale that I can’t read and I love my digital scale. I have a really hard time over there on weekends. Either I eat nothing or I eat and purge. I really really try to stay away from purging, but sometimes I have to when I’m around him. He’s becoming more accepting of my calorie intake- as long as I eat at least one meal with him he doesn’t usually bring it up. I’ve been taking my scale for the past 3 months, but I don’t think he knows. I can’t even imagine the shit storm that would ensue if he found out.
The scale tells me 96 pounds but all I see is my fat too. I do have stomach blubber that I wish I could get rid of…

I worked out for over a year with a personal trainer, I gained weight but lost a few sizes. My trainer said it was muscle and that it didn’t matter because it weights more then fat, i was not happy about this considering I was not losing my fat pouch and getting toned.
I went to a plastic surgeon and he told me that it was skin and it can only be tightened my surgery, that’s my next step.

So glad you found us! It is nerve wracking to talk about but the support helps a lot.

Funny you bring it up- I was thinking I was the only one who did that- I take my scale to my bf’s house because he has this tiny analog scale that I can’t read and I love my digital scale. I have a really hard time over there on weekends. Either I eat nothing or I eat and purge. I really really try to stay away from purging, but sometimes I have to when I’m around him. He’s becoming more accepting of my calorie intake- as long as I eat at least one meal with him he doesn’t usually bring it up. I’ve been taking my scale for the past 3 months, but I don’t think he knows. I can’t even imagine the shit storm that would ensue if he found out.

Yeah my friends and family all get tired of seeing my scale get carted around with me, they hate it when I complain about my weight.
I HATE fluctuating weight during the day, tho I try to keep it under 2 pounds.
Ugh. Sorry to bump this- I know its a bazillion years old…

I’m down 22.8 lbs since I started this thread. I have no idea how the fuck I got here. I didn’t even realize how fast that was until my best friend cried when she saw me for the first time in almost 3 months. I’m in Ohio right now visiting my parents and friends for 4th of July. My best friend’s aunt is a dietitian and she’s trying to get me to talk to her aunt and ask her to create a healthier "diet" for me.

I don’t really know what I want to do- I feel so torn. Part of me feels so relieved that I gave into my ed and I don’t have to fight against it anymore, but part of me is wigged the fuck out. I want to be able to eat normally, but I want to be thin. I want to lose myself in my ed, but I don’t want to hurt my family and friends. I don’t want to eat, but I know I can’t do this forever- I mean really, how the fuck is that going to work? Am I going to be a 65 year old anorexic some day?!?

I don’t want to get help. At least not until I’m thin enough. Then again, I don’t want to go back into recovery some day and gain a shit ton of weight because my metabolism is blown- so maybe if she could just create for me a safe list of foods so I can still lose weight and feel hungry but not be completely unhealthy about it. Ugh. I don’t even think that really makes sense.

I guess I’m just confused and venting. I don’t really know what to do. Ugh. How annoying.
Ugh. My best friend’s aunt called me today, bitching about what I eat. Fuck this. I’m not talking to her. I’ll stick to what works.
Guys, I relapsed this month. :/ I can’t read this thread anymore. I just want to tell you all to stay healthy, try and get better, if not for yourself then for everyone who cares about you. It’s preachy and it’s not what anyone wants to hear, and it’s so tempting to run back to all this, but I can’t do it. Maybe I’ll check in a few months to check in, but for right now this thread is triggering me really bad, and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to feel like shit all the time, I want to be able to sit through a meal with my friends, I don’t want to be scared my heart is going to give up on me. <3 Bye for now.

good luck

Fuck. I’m sorry Liralita. Hang in there if you can. Throw us a pm when you’re feeling up to it and let us know how you’re doing. <3<3<3
Hey guys, I feel for all of you. I have gained 4 pounds in the last month alone, i want to get back down to 118 so bad but I knwo that its not good for me to be that way again I have low blood sugar and most days I thought I was dying. People laugh at me when i talk about my weight but less then 2 weeks ago I was wearing a size 2-3 now im wearing a 3-4
I wish you all luck with your ED I hope it all works out the best way possible for all of you. I’m still struggling to come to terms witht he fact that i have to be gaining weight right now because of my blood sugar

Hey guys, I feel for all of you. I have gained 4 pounds in the last month alone, i want to get back down to 118 so bad but I knwo that its not good for me to be that way again I have low blood sugar and most days I thought I was dying. People laugh at me when i talk about my weight but less then 2 weeks ago I was wearing a size 2-3 now im wearing a 3-4
I wish you all luck with your ED I hope it all works out the best way possible for all of you. I’m still struggling to come to terms witht he fact that i have to be gaining weight right now because of my blood sugar

hey everyone!

some bumpage going on here, but hopefully that’s ok

i started a thread a few months ago, but somehow missed this one!

i struggle with anorexia (and i’m a guy!). im 5’8" and a couple of months ago i was around 90lbs fully dressed.

i dont think of my situation as purely an eating disorder, but rather a need for control that just happens to show up most obviously in food. i must also struggle with body dysmorphia, because i have no IDEA what i look like, and i thought i looked "great" when i was at my low weight, even though people were telling me i looked terrible.

i am currently doing outpatient work, with a therapist and a nutritionist. it’s a long battle, but this is my only choice–i wouldn’t have made it through the summer with what i was doing previously.

question for you all–do any of you really not like eating? i have some friends recovering from EDs, and all of them enjoy food but just restricted for control (or whathaveyou). i HATE food–when i go to a restaurant, nothing ‘looks good’, and i don’t understand when people say something ‘tastes good’, or that they could ‘eat it forever’. does the enjoyment of food ever return? it would make sticking to the meal plan a lot easier!

one of my main reasons for sticking with recovery is that i don’t want people to know that this is something i struggle with when i walk past them–i hate thinking that so much information is so readily available at the surface. i think this has to do with my need for everyone to think i am perfect, and that i want to control what people think and know about me. kind of a sorry reason, but i figure at this point, whatever keeps me going is great!

hopefully you all are hanging in there… how is life these days?
Wow.

This thread makes me

For a guy, I think I have more general body image problems than most. I’m running around right now at 5’10" and 155lbs and I jump to 160-165lbs when I’m being lazy. I’m very active, but I can’t seem to keep the weight down. Half of it is because I fight at 145lbs, but the other half is just pure body image stuff. Sometimes, I’ll only eat a meal or so a day, but that’s more circumstantial than anything else.

I don’t think I’ve quite made it into an ED quite yet. I’m sorry for the rest of you. If you need anybody to talk to, you can always AIM me: Sircnay

MSN:
yahoo:

I’m all ears.
Boeingair and Sirc- great to have some guys in here! Don’t worry about the old bump- I’m fairly certain there are only a few of us who read it anyway

B- I totally know what you mean about not liking to eat. I swear I must open my fridge about 75 times a day and nothing looks appetizing. I’ve always been a really picky eater and I have STRICT guidelines on what I will and won’t put in my mouth.

Example.. I won’t eat ANYTHING that has a bone attached to it. I won’t eat anything with my hands that will make my hands messy. I won’t eat anything that’s blue or green that isn’t made that way by nature (like blueberries and lettuce are fine, but green or blue candies or drinks are absolutely out of the question- including m&ms.) I won’t eat anything spicy. I’ve never eaten a piece or raw celery cause I HATE the way it smells. and I won’t eat anything with fruit in it that’s not suppose to have fruit in it. Like when people put grapes in chicken salad or those salads with the little oranges in it… get that fruit off of my lettuce!! Sick. I could go on, but I’ll spare you

Plus, like I had mentioned earlier, I feel like I’m less stressed when I don’t eat. My head feels clearer and I can manage stress better when I haven’t eaten. It doesn’t help my recovery at all, I’ll tell you that much.

I did end up getting a meal plan from a dietition a few weeks ago, but I’ve yet to try it. I’m still on the fence about the whole thing.
What I’ve been doing lately is use an old trick I learned from my coaches to lose body fat and weight. It’s probably not really healthy for me, but essentially I’ve been doing weight cutting techniques.

I don’t suggest trying this because it is actually pretty dangerous if you don’t know how to do this properly.

But basically, I’ve been using a makeup remover product, my favorite is albolene, and been rubbing it all over my body. What it does, it is opens up my sweat pores dramatically, then I jump into a sweat suit and I spend about 20 minutes on a punching bag. I will literally lose about 20-25lbs just from water weight and drying out my fat deposits.

It makes me feel and look better, like I’ve just done a dozen or so practice sessions. Like I crammed 2 weeks worth of training into one day. It’s really bad for me if I do it too many times but I do it about once a week. I don’t know the long term affects, but I haven’t seen any noticeable negative affects.

B- I totally know what you mean about not liking to eat. I swear I must open my fridge about 75 times a day and nothing looks appetizing. I’ve always been a really picky eater and I have STRICT guidelines on what I will and won’t put in my mouth.

<SNIP>

Plus, like I had mentioned earlier, I feel like I’m less stressed when I don’t eat. My head feels clearer and I can manage stress better when I haven’t eaten. It doesn’t help my recovery at all, I’ll tell you that much.

I have very similar ‘food rules’, and I’ve found that controlling the types of foods, along with the judgement I have about ‘bad’ foods was helping me manage anxiety and feel good about myself in a way that (logically) makes no sense!

I’ve also been fortunate to be able to work with an excellent therapist, and I found out that by restricting, I was numbing myself to a lot of feelings and issues I needed to deal with. At first, I thought it was great–without eating, I could do anything. I felt like I was unstoppable–I had no problems, and nothing could affect me. However, my ED turned into a slippery slope, and even fasting couldn’t keep me from what I was trying to ignore. I’m not saying I’m ‘all better’ (far from it!), but I am learning a lot about myself and how I am using food to manage issues which have no real connection to eating.

Of course, to get to those feelings, I had to start eating again, which was torture at first! I’m doing better on the eating now, but I notice that I still use my harsh judgment, black-and-white thinking and drive for control to numb some uncomfortable feelings / experiences.

It’s a long road, as well all know, but luckily it seems there might be something more than ED thoughts.

But I’ve talked about me WAY too much! How are you doing, LP?

That’s pretty intense! Do you feel like you look more ‘cut’ right after one of these routines? That’s likely from the dehydration (though I’m sure you’re aware of this).

Do you for some reason prefer this to cardio first thing in the morning on an empty stomach? It seems the latter might burn a larger portion of fat.

Either way, thanks for posting–I really appreciate hearing from other guys!

What I’ve been doing lately is use an old trick I learned from my coaches to lose body fat and weight. It’s probably not really healthy for me, but essentially I’ve been doing weight cutting techniques.

I don’t suggest trying this because it is actually pretty dangerous if you don’t know how to do this properly.

But basically, I’ve been using a makeup remover product, my favorite is albolene, and been rubbing it all over my body. What it does, it is opens up my sweat pores dramatically, then I jump into a sweat suit and I spend about 20 minutes on a punching bag. I will literally lose about 20-25lbs just from water weight and drying out my fat deposits.

It makes me feel and look better, like I’ve just done a dozen or so practice sessions. Like I crammed 2 weeks worth of training into one day. It’s really bad for me if I do it too many times but I do it about once a week. I don’t know the long term affects, but I haven’t seen any noticeable negative affects.

I don’t think it’s an ED support group…
What you’re doing is not only dangerous but it’s also useless. All is does is dehydrate you, you don’t lose any fat. Have I stated that it’s also pretty dangerous ? Some kids have died while trying to make the weight for a competition by dehydrating themselves like this.

That’s pretty intense! Do you feel like you look more ‘cut’ right after one of these routines? That’s likely from the dehydration (though I’m sure you’re aware of this).

Do you for some reason prefer this to cardio first thing in the morning on an empty stomach? It seems the latter might burn a larger portion of fat.

Either way, thanks for posting–I really appreciate hearing from other guys!

It forces me to work harder to keep up my performance. It actually does increase my cardio as I’m working under worse conditions than normal.

I’ve been able to lose about 10lbs of actual fat through retarded amounts of cardio work in 2 weeks using this method. I assure you it’s probably dangerous and retarded though. I do look much more cut afterwards but that’s due to the dehydration.

I don’t think it’s an ED support group…
What you’re doing is not only dangerous but it’s also useless. All is does is dehydrate you, you don’t lose any fat. Have I stated that it’s also pretty dangerous ? Some kids have died while trying to make the weight for a competition by dehydrating themselves like this.

Not totally useless, it makes my cardio conditioning much better as I have to work just as hard under harder conditions and it conditions me for the ring.

Kids have died doing this, but I’m no longer a child and I do this regularly enough that my body is used to it. I really think I’m carrying too much water weight as it is.

Afterwards I usually feel really cleansed.
Hey guys, I’m all for discussion, but I don’t want this to be triggering for anyone who still reads this and I don’t want this to turn into some tips & tricks page either. Let’s keep it clean, eh?

Sirc- Andrew is right, man. Watch out for dehydration. Not only do the headaches suck, the kidney stones that come along with constant dehydration will make you want to hang yourself from the nearest tree. I’ve had 5 since November. NO FUN. Trust me on this.

Andrew- I totally dig your input. I have no idea what your story is, but I totally appreciate that you pop your head in here every once in a while and spit out a bit of useful info

B- That’s awesome that you have a great therapist! Sounds like you’re really learning a lot and doing pretty well with it Yay!! Have you ever been in recovery before?

This past week has been exceptionally weird. Lots of ups and downs. Thing is, I can’t eat when I’m stressed. Or scared. Or anxious. Or upset. Or sad. In fact, its more like auto-barf. Even the smell of food when I’m anxious is so nauseous I can barely stand it. I think I’m going to try to eat more consistently this coming week though cause I’ve been exceptionally tired for the past 3 days and I have far too much to do to be so run down. We’ll see how it goes.

Ya know what I don’t get? While I know that the food rules and the managing feelings by controlling food are ED behaviors, I’ve had them for as long as I can remember. Even as a little girl I always threw up when I was scared- imagine if you will, 7 year old Lucky Penny, riding for an hour and a half in her mom’s car to her first ever week long sleep-away camp, barfing all the way. Not so lovely. They called my mom twice during that week because I wasn’t eating. Not because I didn’t want to, I was just nervous about being there. I was having a great time, mind you. But my nerves got the best of me And that’s never changed (it’d be kinda nice if it would though)

My food rules have been around since ever. I don’t feel like I can control them. They’re just certain foods that I find repulsive and can’t bring myself to try. I guess my point is, I know these are ED behaviors, but I’ve been doing them for a lot longer than I’ve had my ED. So what does that make them? Sometimes I feel like it wouldn’t matter if certain things in the past would or wouldn’t have happened, or how different my life was, I feel like I would have had my ED regardless. Like I was just meant to have it or something.

Ugh. Now that I’ve written an entire book about this nonsense for you all, I have to read and get some serious homework done. Good luck guys!!

It forces me to work harder to keep up my performance. It actually does increase my cardio as I’m working under worse conditions than normal.

I’ve been able to lose about 10lbs of actual fat through retarded amounts of cardio work in 2 weeks using this method. I assure you it’s probably dangerous and retarded though. I do look much more cut afterwards but that’s due to the dehydration.

Not totally useless, it makes my cardio conditioning much better as I have to work just as hard under harder conditions and it conditions me for the ring.

Kids have died doing this, but I’m no longer a child and I do this regularly enough that my body is used to it. I really think I’m carrying too much water weight as it is.

Afterwards I usually feel really cleansed.

This is what you think. Powerlifters use this dehydration technique to make the weight, and bodybuilders use it to dry out so that they carry less subcutaneous water so that muscle is all visible. When they do that, they can’t perform for shit and Bodybuilding is a strange sport because it’s the only one where the "athletes" are actually in their worst shape when at a competition. They can only maintain this during a single day.

But if you think you lose fat by doing this, I’m sure that hundreds of bodybuilders would be interested to know how you do it because their experience tells otherwise.

I mean, you can try to convince me (and yourself) that you know how to do it but you have to understand that whatever you say, not only is it useless but it’s dangerous. Maybe you’re carrying some extra water because you’re messing with your body’s level, but also you’re depleting your body of electrolytes and play with some hormones such as aldosterone which you shouldn’t do.

Maybe you feel "cleansed" afterward, but I see this as being no different than using diuretic or laxatives to lose weight.

This is what you think. Powerlifters use this dehydration technique to make the weight, and bodybuilders use it to dry out so that they carry less subcutaneous water so that muscle is all visible. When they do that, they can’t perform for shit and Bodybuilding is a strange sport because it’s the only one where the "athletes" are actually in their worst shape when at a competition. They can only maintain this during a single day.

But if you think you lose fat by doing this, I’m sure that hundreds of bodybuilders would be interested to know how you do it because their experience tells otherwise.

I mean, you can try to convince me (and yourself) that you know how to do it but you have to understand that whatever you say, not only is it useless but it’s dangerous. Maybe you’re carrying some extra water because you’re messing with your body’s level, but also you’re depleting your body of electrolytes and play with some hormones such as aldosterone which you shouldn’t do.

Maybe you feel "cleansed" afterward, but I see this as being no different than using diuretic or laxatives to lose weight.

You’re probably right. But I do it when I fight and weight in, and a lot of the times, weight-ins are the same day as the fights.

That doesn’t mean it’s optimal for your performance. Plus, it’s already risky when competitors use it for their competition, but if you do it more often for your conditioning or whatever, it’s worse since you’re playing with fire everytime and because you’ll end up with problems in the long term (dehydration, electrolyte imbalance which could lead to heart issues and which are dangerous if you have an unknown heart issue too and so on).

Think about it, how is it any different from using a diuretic ?

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