Anyone on? I need to talk to anyone
I am my own worst enemy, and most likely just fucked myself over badly. Ive been so sad for so long. I dont even know what to do. Its killing what small bit of pride i have left to even ask.. but im soo lost
I dont even know where to start.. forgive my typos i can hardley see the screen thru the tears.. but Ill try
So feb ’10 my work shut down and I lost my job, and just the prior August my wife of 8 years decided she wanted to find happiness in the form of other men. I have two kids and fought hard along to keep them. The hole in me has never healed. I found out she ran up tons of debt to purposely put us into bankruptcy, she ran up cc debt to the tune 28k. I had to beg for money to able to afford an attorney. My house that we/I worked hard for was about to be taken back by the bank. near summer my step mom died, and left me some money that used to bring the house current, and the bank reduced the monthly loan payment from 2300 to 1065, so house saved for awhile. SInce then I had met this great girl and we began dating. But I cant get past my hang ups with my x, I loved her so much but it wasnt returned. For the last year and half Ive been in a constant state of pot fueld haze to numb my pain. so she moved in with me and helped pay the mortgage, we had a roomy to help out. He turned out to be a junkie and I booted him out, I couldnt pay my end with all massive amounts of bills ($800 in bills, + another 500 in personal loans a month, unemployment gets me like 1600 a month)i was paying due from the divorce. When the roomy got kicked my girl picked up the slack. from 600 a month to 800, mortgage is 1065. WEll finally fate would have that i wasnt the main person on 99% of the cc debt , so my ex decided to clam bankruptcy so I had some xtra money again. That was about 4 months ago. And i totally fucked up being in my depressed sad world and let her continue to pay even though I could possibly. So tonight she did the math after looking at some bills and got super pissed thinking I was just taking advantage of her. Which she prob right. But i was in such a survival mode I didnt care or just plain ignored it. She has 3 girls that live with us aswell. Now I dont know what to do. I horrible at paying bills and taking care of finances. And I didnt purpos;y fuck her over, but her nad the kids take over the entire house, so i didnt feel that the amount was out of line, but she does. I finally landed a job today where I can start making up for it. But she doesn’t want to hear it. She feels super betrayed, and I dont blame her. Now it has just added to my depression and Im not sure what to do. Ive felt so adrift without purpose for so long. WTF do I do to fix this? I never have enough money from unemployment. She buys 99% of the groceries and has taken care of me and my kids very well. We split the bills 50/50. I have totally sabotaged myself.

I loved my wife she left to be a partier, I have never got over it. I have my kids that I love more than anything, I have finally landed a job after year and half+, my unemployment ran out. Im starting over from scratch, with a shitty $12hr job like I had when I was 18. Fuck I made 22.00 and hour! now 12. Fuck! My x took care of all finances and I just let her cause I trusted her. I found a great person, that I seem to continually push away, I dont feel Like I can love anyone like that ever again. She deserves better. My pride is gone, my life in the gutter. NOw she thinks Ive been scamming fr the last year. I ramble but I gotta spit it out.
i am my own worst enemy. There more to this but im shaking so bad i can hardly type
First off, quit the dope. You can never expect to think strait or get your life together when you are stoned out of your gord. It is easier to play a game or so something silly and meaningless. You are lazy when you are stoned. It is your "private time" to avoid reality, even though all the time becomes this special time to just ignore life.

I have experiencing using drugs to avoid life, I smoked plenty of marijuana in my day.

Many people hear that advice then they look at their watch, give an excuse and walk away. That’s their prerogative.

So when you decide to save yourself money and quit the dope, then you could finally have a hope of facing the crude and sober reality of life. You will have something to work with.

Really, all these numbers are meaningless to a person who starts to become deeply in tune with themselves. At that point, it’s just a matter of willpower. With willpower, you can overcome any obstacles.

The problem is not that you don’t know how to solve this. Obviously the solution is evident – a lot of work, a great deal of self sacrifice and work on the relationship to fix things.

Right? You know that this and that needs to be paid. That’s not the problem. The problem is that you are identified with your life being complete crap right now, you are taking it personally. Therefore you start to self medicate, spend all this cash on drugs when it could be going towards something better. Probably there are some foolish purchases besides that, no?

So let’s reintegrate here.

1) You have to quit dope. If you’re not sober then you’re not in touch with all the feelings, thoughts and emotions that the situation really brings to you. Get in touch with the crude reality, yes you will have a lot of stress from quitting so be sure to find the patience somewhere not to snap and become angry, because that will make things worse.

2) Stop identifying with the situation. You will live out the role of "suffering household member in terrible economic situation #1,453,654,754 if you cannot step out of that role for a moment. Listen, you are not that. You are beyond that. Put your finger on that spot between your eyes. THAT is closer to where you are, or what you are. THAT spot is close to where you think, no? So work from there. Don’t identify with your bills, your family, etc. You are not them. You are different from that, and you can initiate a lot of personal change from there. You can transform overnight.

3) Never get angry. Patience is the solution to anger. Doubt, fear, shame and frustration cause anger. They totally destroy your image. THIS IS IMPERATIVE IN YOUR SITUATION.

4) Work, work, work! Through willpower, to better your situation. Desire is the opposite of willpower. Do not desire anything, just will yourself to accomplish things. Expect nothing!

5) You will not succeed in any of this unless you also learn how to relax. This is why you smoked cannabis, in order to relax. Well time to learn this ability in a sober state.

I don’t know if this advice helps you but I don’t see how you’re going to solve the situation any other way. My drug use ruined my relationship, brought me some economic turmoil, life was just passing me by. Why make a problem of that? Just stop, you don’t need it. You will be happy without it.
I think im doing good and getting on track then some shit derails me. I miss my life. My gf struggles so hard to pay bills and keep up. I dont have any secret account with money, im not profiting off her. Its touch and go every day trying to get by. ANd the WORST WORST part is my gf loves/ed me unconditionally, and i dont feel as i can return it. so i just continue to sabotage our relationship. im such a loser.
Another thing you have to ask yourself is: is all of this really making you happy?

Obviously a house, and all these big things, were beyond your capability to afford them because you are now in debt. Now you are paying because of that. Don’t you think that is an important lesson in how you are living your life?

You should earn everything you have, and more importantly you should think hard on if what you are working towards is making you happy.

You also have to thing of who is depending on you and their feelings. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your happiness to benefit those who rely on you. However, it ends up making you pleased to see them well off, and maybe even happy.

I don’t know if this is helping you, I’m trying. I really am.
Your so right, I have tried so hard, I suffer from anxiety attacks. I used to have a ‘script to Ativant when I had insurance. But since the ins is gone so was my meds. Thus the pot, And it doesnt help that my gf is a user as well, she refuses to quit…weve fought over it long and hard. Ive been clean for month or so cause I felt very much that it was holding me back and I hated being in the shadows or society. So in my taking a step forward it put a dent in our relationship.
Thank you, I really appreciate an outside view. I mean it. You dont know me, nor I you. It does help atleast a little.
I regret saving the house I put 18k down to save it..Fuck I shoulda just let it go. I just didnt want my kids to be displaced. I just did it for them. I hated having to move and losing my room when my parents got divorced. So I tried to do better for them.
I used like 3 grams marijuana per day, 1-4 MG of Ativan, or Klonopin per day.

I came from where you are and won.

Just fight! fight fight! To get off that crap man.

Ativan, weed, any pills. All garbage!

Yes you will have your bad days where you will fall back into old temptations but one day you will be clean and have succeeded.

You have to learn how to rely on yourself to fall back on.

Drugs cost a lot of money to put you in a haze and unable to properly deal with the situation!

You need to be able to see soberly and think clearly in order to master your own life. That’s what you want, no? Mastery…

It takes a lot of hard work friend! And you must fill in every spot that was filled with defect with perfection. Because we are all riddled with defects.

Realize that you are wasting a lot of energy. If you want to learn how to conquer your life then you really need to get on top of energy management. The place where we waste the most energy is worrying about ourselves. Read this with a mind free from preconceptions:

I should just call the bank and tell them I cant do it anymore… especially since she wants move out now.
Adn that another thing, I just read the first few paragraphs. I believe in KArma. Im VERY giving and self sacrificing. There nothing I wouldnt do for family or friend in need.To the point of damn near killing(figuratively) myself at times..I will keep reading.
Best of luck. That entire physical copy of the book costs 12 dollars, oftentimes around the cost of a single gram of marijuana. Or you can read it online – for free. Whatever you do – do something different. If you continue on as you do then your tomorrow will never be different. We can change our karma – karma is negotiable. You just have to learn how.
Thank you. Im beat emotionally and feeling it physically. Your insight and observations are taken to heart. I dont drink or do any heavy drugs. or any other really, I will regain my willpower.
I suppose Ill just have let it all play out. I am just so tired of feeling down constantly. The worst is watching my castle made of sand be washed out by the tide. I feel better just having someone listen without judgement.
Part of it is letting go, another part is taking hold of your own life because the next chapter is up to you.
Its always darkest before the dawn I guess. I have to try’n sleep or ill be complete wreck , my kids will never get to school in the morn. if i dont.
I would really like to chat again. Is that weird? I dunno. maybe on a different subject. I just needed a shoulder to cry on.
Have you told your girlfriend about all this shit, or are you letting it out here because you’re trying to shield her from it? She’s your girlfriend, she ought to be more informed than anyone else on earth about what’s going through your mind.
I did try and shield her for awhile early on, then I couldn’t take it and spilled it all. She listens. I’ve talked with her tons. Its hard, I don’t like bringing her down. so most times i’m silent.
It’s her job to decide how much of your problems she’s willing to put up with, not you. You’re doing nobody any favors by lying to her about how much help you need.
Very true, I realize that now with a clear head. Hind sight is always 20/20. I would like find away to salvage our relationship. I fear it is too late.
Fear is useless. Courage is the only thing worthwhile.

Keep your chin up.

Fear isn’t useless as long as you know what you’re afraid of and why. Terror is useless.
get off the pot.

tell her you’re an idiot, you’re not good with finances, and you screwed up, and that you’re sorry. ask her what you can do to make it up to her. that’s all you can do really.

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