Any time she makes a mistake I become an asshole and treat her as if she were my child. I want to know what are ways I can avoid screaming and yelling. Right now I have stress because I am the only provider and don’t ask much from her.
Are you both aware of your roles in the relationship?

Do you both feel worthy?

I feel like shes a wonderful woman but I suck at having patience.

I’m trying to change and need to recognize every little thing I do wrong.
do you explode in reaction? try to think before speaking so you dont sound like a dickhead?
Maybe you should go to an anger management class or something.
Lucky you realize that. One of my old bf’s used to call me names when we were arguing so eventually it made me feel like he thought that stuff about me all the time.
Do you feel like she instigates your mood and "riles you up" to the point where you start yelling? Or do you feel she is fairly competent and you are just lashing out at her out of nowhere? Just trying to gauge the situation here.

With my ex-wife when I was angry I would often treat her like a child. Even if it wasn’t yelling, just the way I would explain things to her or show her things would upset her. She’d say, "You don’t have to treat me like I’m 5 just because I don’t get it" or similar things. I guess the best way to describe it was I was very passive-aggressive with her when I would get angry.

Seeing as how I said "ex" wife I’m not really sure I should be dishing out advice . But, I think you should try and find ways to value her for who she is and compliment her on things she does well. This won’t directly help with your possible anger issues, but it will reassure her that you genuinely think she is worthwhile, etc. Small efforts, little compliments, can go a long way with a woman if she knows they are sincere.
Women are usually very emotional and you have to kind of treat them as if you were walking on broken glass… Often times I’ll say something negative about something, not even thinking of it being her problem, and she will take it personally and get all upset… Like the other day I got home and said something like "Wow it’s a mess in here" and then started cleaning up a bit… all of a sudden she went off on me about how she watches 4 kids all day and doesn’t have time to clean and none of them took a nap at the same time and blah blah blah… I tried telling her that it was just a general comment and I meant nothing by it but it was already too late, she was upset and then there is nothing you can do about it but let it pass… You really have to watch what you say, especially when they are hormonal. I know this sounds sexist, but this is my experience… women are often irrational and emotional to the point that you cannot even discuss things with them without upsetting them and completely subverting the intent of the discussion.

How did you not see that coming? Your wife is home all day and the first thing you say coming in the door is "this place is messy" and you expected her not to take it personally? You shouldnt have to walk on egg shells around women, you just have to think before you speak and be considerate of other peoples feelings.

TS, I have a similar problem. I can get upset about minor things, and I end up talking down to my husband. Its something I am working on as well. Some things I have been trying:
1. Before blowing up, take a moment to see if its really worth it. Was it something minor? Have you ever made a similar mistake?
2. I have also asked my husband to point out to me when I am talking down to him. Honestly, I think I was raised being spoken to that way, and so I do not recognize it. When I am doing it, I have to stop, take a ‘time out’ and cool down before trying to return to talk it out.
3. When I do over-react to something, I apologize. Even if I feel my husband was in the wrong, I realize I do not have a right to blow up at him for it.

Communicating with your wife will help. You should both know your roles in the family as MK said. If she is not living up to an agreement, perhaps you can tell her how much it frustrates you instead of yelling.

I’m sure you have a point, but it wasn’t the first thing I said after walking in the door, it was a general comment I made to myself that I didn’t intend to be taken negatively by anyone… I’m sure you’re right that I should just watch what I say though.
Sounds to me like you already know well just what the problem is and just where the problem lies (you/at your feet), so I’d suggest you express this to her (that you’re aware you’ve been a dickhead), apologize, and explain that you’re looking for ways to improve yourself.

Sometimes just opening up and talking about what you’ve on your mind helps all involved to discover some sort of solution.

Sounds to me like she agrees with you, she is self-conscious about the condition of her home when she is there all day and it is still messy, and after you "broke the ice" she just vented all her frustrations to you in one big heap. It can be destructive if either one of you takes it the wrong way; but you are really both in agreement. At least you took the initiative to start cleaning a bit?
if you really want to work on this, i’d recommend some counseling, couples’ workshops, or classes, something like that.

Having an objective 3rd party, and practice OUTSIDE/BEFORE the situation occurs makes a huge difference.
I’m going to go the opposite way on this and say Vladimir’s wife isn’t much and he’s resisting the reality of it. No No! Reality go away!

Do the right thing. Dump her now so that she might have a shot at some sort of decent life with someone esle. And you… don’t go slumming no more, haha. I’m 47 man, do not fuck with me, I know what I’m saying.

1) You don’t ask for much from her, but have you bothered to sit down and figure out what she actually gives to you, whether or not you ask for it? The stuff you ask for may seem like the most important stuff in your mind, and therefore the most critical for her to not mess up, but if you look at the complete list of everything she contributes to the relationship you might realize you’re getting angry about really trivial stuff. You might also realize she’s got enough going on that her mistakes are due to exhaustion instead of incompetence.

2) Maybe the problem is you’re trying to do everything yourself in the first place. You say you treat her like a child when she makes a mistake, with the implication that treating her like a child is unhealthy, and yet you don’t seem to expect her to be an equal partner in the relationship to begin with. How about if you slack off a bit and let her take up some of that slack so you’re not under so much stress that her slightest mistake sends you over the edge? It’s not your job to do everything and it never was.

No, you don’t. Recognizing every little thing that goes wrong is the PROBLEM in the first place; broadening your view to include even more things that go wrong will only stress you out even more. You need to STOP noticing every little thing that goes wrong and only notice the few big things that are going wrong. For example: you’re being a dick to your wife, which is a big thing that’s going wrong and you’re right to notice it; your wife made your coffee too strong or used milk instead of cream, which is a totally fucking pointless thing and you should just be glad someone made you coffee. I wish someone would make ME coffee in the morning.

(I know the coffee thing is made-up; it’s just an example of a pointless little thing that doesn’t matter.)

Well…yes, everyone should watch what they say. Is there some reason you couldn’t just think "wow it’s a mess in here"? Is there some reason you felt compelled to say it out loud? Do you share all your thoughts with the world like that? I doubt it, so there must’ve been some reason you chose to say that one out loud instead of keeping it to yourself. Maybe you should give some thought as to why that is.

Honest question, do you analyze every single thing you say like that, before you say it? My brain doesn’t work fast enough to do that

I didn’t think it was particularly contentious…. I didn’t realize it was a sore issue for her at the time.
You seem to be aware of your faults and that is a good place to begin your internal search. Remind your self how much you suffer when you impose suffering on others. Wish you well……

It doesn’t have to work fast. You can delay what you say by a few seconds so you can play it back in your mind and hear what it sounds like. You don’t have to say everything you think as soon as you think it.

In any event, you didn’t answer the question: if you don’t say everything you think, in retrospect, why did you say that one thing about the house being messy? Any answer is a valid answer.

This was like a week ago now, but I had just gotten home, hugged the girlfriend, picked up my kid to say hi to him, made some smalltalk about how her day was, then went to sit down at my computer, which requires me to walk through the house, as I was walking through the house I saw that it was a huge mess and I had to step around toys and stuff, it’s not usually so messy so the degree of the mess caught me by surprise, so on that realization I exclaimed out loud "what a mess in here", or something like that… It was just a thought I had out loud, that’s all… I didn’t mean to imply that it was anyone’s fault, it was an observation I had, and I really don’t know why I chose to verbalize it, though I do not admit that was wrong of me to do. The problem was that she read into the statement and assumed I was criticizing her or saying it to let her know that I was unhappy about her not cleaning it up before I got home, neither of which were true.

The point is, the rational response would be to simply say "yes it is" or "it’s not that bad" or "I disagree" or something along those lines… or nothing at all even since I wasn’t even looking at her when I said it, it was more a general statement addressed to no one in particular. Instead she assumed my intent for saying it and that lead to a fight and to a few hours of not talking to each other and changed plans for that night.

She has referred to me as being like Data on Star Trek as far as my outward emotional display is concerned, I don’t see it like that though, I merely try to act as rationally as possible, and have little patience for drama. If the roles were reversed and she had said something like I would have said "Yeah it is a mess in here, You want to work on the living room and I’ll straighten up in here?" or something like that… I wouldn’t have read anything into it.

Raising kids is a 24 hour a day job and the caretaker’s day doesn’t end at 5pm. Kids make messes round the clock and cleaning up after them won’t coincide neatly with your arrival home. My question to you is, why wouldn’t she look upon your comment as criticism? Put yourself in her place.

Thank you Deusexaethera!
I was a stay at home mom and my ex didn’t see my non-monetary contributions to the well-being of our family as being on an equal level with his monetary contribution. He also didn’t consider me an equal partner in decision-making as a result. It became a control struggle.
You are a self entitled asshole. I suggest being patient and not flaring up every time she makes a mistake. But she is to blame for this also, she needs to tell you to shut the fuck up every once in a while.

Well, it’s not automatically equal. It’s entirely possible you weren’t working as hard as he was — or that you were actually working harder than him — but there’s no way either of you could tell how hard the other was working as long as you were working in separate locations. That’s one big advantage of having a job that lets you work from home on occasion, so you can see what your spouse does all day while you’re at work.

Probably the best thing for you to have said when she got upset would’ve been "Honey, I’m not expecting you to have the house clean for me when I get home every day. I know you have other things to worry about." Clearly her interpretation was based on either feeling like she ought to have the house clean when you come home or thinking you expect her to do so. Maybe blame the outburst on hurting your foot when you stepped on a toy, or something. It’s nice to think you can just dismiss other people’s thoughts and actions as irrational when they don’t make sense to you, but with people you care about you still have to deal with those thoughts and actions. There are usually rational ways to do so, too.

As for the Data comment…I dunno. Chances are she doesn’t actually want you to display ALL your emotions more strongly — I’ve never seen a woman unhappy about her man not getting violently angry often enough — but she probably wants you to gush over her a bit more. You may not like the sensation of feeling strong emotions, and I don’t either, but strong positive emotions are nice. You don’t have to become a drama queen.
it is possible that on some level she enjoys you getting on to her which is why she makes so many little mistakes

i used to sweat every detail, now i ignore all the small stuff and address the important issues
Whenever I get stressed or impatient, I just ask myself:

"Does this affect my life?"

If the answer is no, let it go. You should really just chill man. Some people just don’t have the same common sense that others do. Maybe instead of yelling and getting angry at her, explain the way that you would like it to be done nicely.

You highlighted things in my post but without including the negation… IE, I said I was NOT upset with her that the house wasn’t clean when I got home… but you highlighted that statement absent of the "not" and then commented about it as if I had said it that way…

Probably good advice

I didn’t highlight your negation because the way I read it, it was a reference to what your intent was, not something you actually said to her. If you had said that and then proceeded to pick up the mess, it might have been interpreted differently by her. She can’t read your mind. She heard the criticism and observed you not helping with the mess [an assumption on my part].

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