Things have been really tough for my mom financially lately. And yesterday, she asked my husband and I to move into her house. She has the space. They currently have 2 empty bedrooms and a large bonus room upstairs.

I love my mom, and I want to help her out. In my head I cant imagine saying no to her. She has done SO much for us. But I have some concerns about this. I have only been out of the house a year and a half. My sister and I have always had a very strained relationship. It has been better lately, mostly be cause I do not see her that often, and when she does piss me off, I can just leave. I told myself when I moved out that I could NEVER live with her again. She says she has changed, and has agreed to give us our space and compromise over some issues we have had in the past. And while that sounds good, I just dont know if it is in her to keep her word about it. My husband has voiced concerns over this as well. He says he doesnt want to be in the middle or having to break us up. Plus I know when we would fight it would upset my mother, which I dont want to do.

My mom and I see eye to eye on most things, and I dont think we have ever actually had a fight. But my sister and my mom fight. Not all the time, because my mom is pretty easy going, but my sister can be so disrespectful and rude to her, and sometimes she just refuses to take it. I feel like if we moved in I might start a fight with my sister when she is being disrespectful to our mom, just like used to happen. Right now my sister can get her way pretty much all the time. She has run of the house for the most part. I never liked being under her demands/wants. I do not know if she has eased up, become more ‘compromising’ or if she just seems that way because no one is there to challenge her authority.

Plus there is the issue of losing our apartment. It is small, and older, but it is ours. Like I said, I have only been on my own a year and a half, I love having our own place. Its hard to describe. Its my kitchen. I can have it organized the way I want. I know exactly what is in the refrigerator, and the pantry. If I am hungry, i know what is there. I dont have to search through them trying to find anything. I know might sound dumb, but I very much like having my own kitchen.

We have also been in talks with my cousin to possibly move in with us. We would end up getting a bigger apartment to share with him. But he is not quite ready to move yet, so that would not be until next year. My mom needs us to move in and help financially until she can sell the house. She cannot sell until February because she got the 8k tax break, and she has not been in the house three years yet. And apparently things are too tight for them to make it to next year. So we would be with my mom for 9 months (ish), and then we would get a new place, and have my cousin move in with us for at least a year. We would not have a place to ourselves for pretty much the next two years. And we have only been married a year and a half. I love my mom and my cousin both, and I know how much they both need our help. And I cannot imagine saying no to either of them.

There are several benefits/perks to living with my mom. The household expenditures would be cheaper for us. (And help her out). She has a washer/dryer. We’ve been using hers anyway, but now we wouldnt have to drive 30 mins to do so. It is closer to both of our jobs. We spend a lot of time in her city as opposed to the one we currently live in. Our jobs our there, we have friends there, my dad lives close to there. So it would save a ton on gas. Plus we would save on groceries. My mom’s community is FAR nicer than where we are now. It also has a pool. She also has a jacuzzi tub, which I love. Splitting meals would mean we do not have to cook all the time. There are a lot of advantages. At this point, I’m just not sure they outweigh the negatives or potential negatives. My husband and I have to sit down and write out a pros and cons list. I just wanted to write this out and possibly get some opinions. I havent been able to get my mind off it.

In case anyone asks, my moms situation: She bought the house, and ended up getting fired a month later. She didnt have a job for over a year and was living off inheritance money. She finally found a job, but it is not enough to cover the costs of the house. The inheritance money is gone now, and she cannot sell until the 3 year mark. Not to mention the housing market sucks right now and she is not sure she can sell for a decent price.
About the only thing I can think of is:

1. You have to do what’s best for YOU.

2. If you do move in, make sure you have a move-out plan made up. You do not want to get yourself in a situation where you are stuck there.

3. I know that if you decline the request, it will be hard. But you mom has to realize you’re an adult now, and have to live your life accordingly, doing what is best for YOU.
If your mom can’t afford the house she should sell it. Why does she have to wait 3 years?

I think what she is saying is that if she doesnt wait until 3 years are up she will have to pay the 8k tax rebate back.

I really disagree with "always doing what is best for you". Do you really never do any favors or make any sacrifices for people you care about, simply because it’s not what is best for you?
If fighting is your only concern and the rest is good for everyone then it seems simple. That is, do not fight.

If you are paying money then you will have more say in the matter.

If your sister is causing a lot of trouble and causing you not to move in then your mom can always kick her out. No one is talking about that. Kick the little punk out and let her learn from the school of hard knocks.

I wish things were that simple. They should be, but they are not. I would rather not fight. But there was no avoiding most fights we would get into. She was a disrespectful little punk who had to get her way. If she wasn’t happy, nobody was. I spent most of my time in my room when I lived there because my sister had control over the rest of the house.

The way things were, it wouldnt matter if I was paying or not. She didnt have any respect for me as a human being, and she didn’t/doesnt have any respect for my mother, who does actually pay all the bills. My sister has gotten better about being financially demanding. My mom still pays for everything, but my sister understands/doesnt complain as much that they do not have cable, or she had to down grade from an iphone, etc. She does not demand as much financially, although she is still not contributing.

And my mom would never kick her out. Its just not in her nature. She just couldnt do it, although she says she has thought about it. I just know she never would.

I do think she and I have matured a bit, but I’m not sure if its enough.
Well that is your weakness. You take all of your weakness and put the blame on your sister but all of that is lack that you have inside.

Oh.

So she bought a house she couldn’t afford and now needs kids to move back in to help pay the bills. Gotcha.

YES

I am so sick of this notion that just because someone has something at one point (even if they knew they didn’t have the money to pay it off), that they deserve to have it forever. Tell her to move out and get a smaller place and volunteer to help with the move, but no adults should have to continue living with their parents once they’ve established themselves independently, so no reason other than that your mom doesn’t want to give up something she can’t afford. You need to call it like it is, a large house is a luxury, and you need to realize when you can no longer afford luxury, and start living within her means. If the 3 year thing is that big of a deal, have her rent out the place to somebody else, not family. While I don’t know you or your mom, I’d be willing to bet that you would be really sick of the situation within a month or two. I’m taking a 2 month vacation at my parents place this summer, and while we have a great relationship and they are not at all intrusive, I would hate having to live with my parents as a long term plan.

If nothing else, ask yourself this: when you and your husband are meeting someone new and just chit-chatting and something comes up about where you live, do you really want to say "we live with my mom"

Tell mom you’ll move in if she kicks her out. When she says no tell mom she should start having sis pay her share. When mom says no point out you gave her teo options to help afford the house and she refused them both, so ask if she really needs the money.

That should be an interesting conversation.

seems pretty simple…

mom: move in with me. i cannot afford the house.
you: have my sister help you since she lives with you instead of letting her be another financial problem… or kick her out and i’ll move in.
mom: i cant do it.
you: then you must not need my help that bad.
Do not do this.

If your mom can’t afford the house, she either needs to move or rent a room out.
I’ve listened to a lot of Dr. Laura on the radio and she would tell you not to move in with mom
I’ve never been one for the whole "family first" business. Of course I’ll help my family in many situations I where I probably wouldn’t be so quick to volunteer for anybody else, but there’s a point where I decide that I don’t care that we have some genetics in common; if someone is a shitty enough person, I’m dumping them from my life, family or not (in reference to your sister). or in your mother’s case, you need to tell her that even though she’s your mom, you can’t go making a huge decision about your living situation simply so she can have a place that’s more comfortable than where she could afford on her money alone. Just from what I know of parents who ask their children for financial help, I’d imagine she’s making it out like if you don’t move in with her, that she’ll simply be living on the street asking people for change. Be prepared to continually remind her that that is not the case, and all she needs to do is move into a smaller place that is within her budget and everything will be absolutely fine, with the only cost being her pride and some level of comfort.
Don’t take over responsibility of your family’s financial mistakes. Only leads to more bullshit. You are going to hate life as soon as you move in.

Also don’t be surprised if it stresses your relationship with your husband because he can always just leave if he doesn’t like the situation.
Helping mom is a nice idea and to an extent you do owe her assistance.

Are you ready for the "but"?

Your priority should be your husband not your mom. It’s not your job, and certainly not your husband’s job, to give up your happy home so she can keep hers. Why doesn’t your cousin move in with her instead of you? Why isn’t your sister helping? Do you plan on propping her up too? If you make this move, what happens to the cousin?

There are plenty of ways you can help your mom without living with her: Help her go through her bills and see what can be cut. Find her a roommate. Give her some gas or grocery money. Invite her to your house for a meal or two per week. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing ultimatum of "if we don’t move in mom will be homeless!"

I’m getting the feeling that you mom wants you back for reasons other than just money. It would be a good idea to discuss that topic with her. There are so few ways this can end well; it would be better for your marriage if mom let the house go into foreclosure and she came to live with you. Tell the cousin sorry, but you have to help your mom.

Good luck!

Wait…mom can’t afford to live with your sister there and pay for her shit also? So the answer is to move you and your husband in with her?

Wow….run, don’t walk from that shit.

Seriously, I can’t think of a worse burden to put on your husband/relationship.

If she can’t afford to live on her own….she damned sure can’t afford to pay for all your sister’s shit. It’s really that fucking simple in my mind.

This is like those people that get food stamps but still fucking have cable TV in their homes.

Sorry, I just can’t stand this kind of thing.
If she has all that extra space then she can rent it out for way more money than she would get from you. I wouldn’t move in with her, it’s not worth the stress.
This has bad written all over it, you should not move in with her. You’re working on building your own life now, let your mom pay the stupid tax and fix her own mistakes.
don’t do it if it won’t benefit you

It sounds like your sister needs an attitude adjustment. And she definitely needs to be kicked out if she’s not helping out in any way.
Considering everything you’ve ever written about your mom & sister that I’ve read I can confidently say this move would end your marriage.
How much help on the mortgage does mom really need?

How much could you afford to help her while retaining your current living situation?

I’d rather throw mom a few hundred bucks a month (assuming you can afford it) temporarily than move back in and deal with it all.

But yes, mom should be getting your sis to help out, renting out those rooms and seeing what she can get for the house. So what if she has to pay the 8k tax break back.

Pretty much this.

While I see your point and think that 97% of the times in our life it IS the most valid and moral way of looking at things…

This is DEFINITELY one of the 3%.

You got the fuck out of the house. You are living on your own. You are learning to pay bills, you are learning how to go from teenager to young adult.

I applaud you. There is a problem in our society where kiddies are using every goddamned excuse they can think of to continue to live in Mommy and Daddy’s basements.

Thing is, what your Mother is asking of you isn’t really fair. Not to be a dick about this issue, but it is a problem of her own making.
It is also a problem that is running rampant in our society right now.

There are interesting options. If you feel like being a homeowner (and I wouldn’t blame you if at this stage in your life you didn’t feel like being one) you could offer to switch places with your mother.
Have her sign a contract agreeing to sell you the house at a specified price in 3 years. She and your sister moves out NOW to an apartment. You move into the house and take over the mortgage.

She eats the $8K and puts it on the market is another.

She lets herself be foreclosed on and go into bankruptcy is yet another.

You and I often think along similar lines.

While I completely agree with what you are suggesting, it makes me a bit sad that someone that has managed to get out of the nest and make her way in the world is being pulled back in like this.

I see this as a mess of her Mothers making. Getting the fuck out was the right thing for her to do. The situation is sad, but not unavoidable.
CRAP! I had a nice response to this thread and it just effing disappeared. Now I dont have time to re-type it. I’ll try to finish later.

I made my suggestion with the full belief that her mother sill not take her up on wither offer so she won’t be moving back there.
I read the first couple lines of the first post and stopped. If your mom has space and needs money, but you’re not thrilled with the idea of living in the same house as her, help her find renters.
I appreciate all the advice given, but it does make me wonder. If your own mothers needed help, would you be there for them? It just seems so odd to me.

To be clear about the situation, my mother did not buy a house she could not afford. She bought a house she had the money for, put down a fairly large down payment. However, shortly thereafter she lost her job. And while she was unemployed she continued to make the payments. However, at this point she has fallen on a bit of rough times, and needs help. She does want to sell the house, she just cannot afford the 8K tax bill. I do not think she is acting entitled or selfish. She is reasonably trying to get out of the house without losing everything.

She is going to sell, and just needs our assistance until she can get the house sold, and move somewhere more reasonable. We have discussed an exit strategy, and this would be a temporary arrangement. 6 months to 1 year.

We cannot buy the house from her because it is too far out of our price range. We would not be taking over the payments. We would be paying rent to supplement. And we would be paying less than we currently are at our apartment. Unfortunately we do not have enough to help her and maintain our residence.

I suppose she could take in a renter, but to be honest, I’m not sure I want my mother living with a stranger in the house. The idea just makes me uncomfortable. And I know it’s not something either my mom or sister would like.

As far as telling her that unless my sister moves out, we cannot help her, that sounds more like extortion to me. Or forcing her to choose between her daughters. Either way, I would not put that type of stress on my mother. My sister is going to school full time, which I think is important, and she is supposedly getting an internship to further her experience, which I also think is good. It would be nice for her to get a job and to help out, but as I see it, she is still making strides toward getting a job and moving out, and that is what counts to me.

My husband and I have discussed the issue, and despite the fact that this may be more uncomfortable, the fact is, it will not be unbearable. We have talked about our ‘terms’ of living, and some compromises that everyone will need to be on board with.

It’s not an ideal situation, and I can understand the hesitance expressed in the advice given. However, the fact is, she is my mother, who has done so much for me. She has never asked anything from us, and has always been an extremely generous and giving person. And I am privileged to be able to help her. I think my husband and I have always known that my mother would have to either live with us, or have us live with her at some point.
Again, I do appreciate the advice. Its always nice to have an outside opinion.

Oh, and Beer, my memory is not as good as yours, but did you not say something about my husband and I not making past the first year of our marriage also?

This will be interesting…

she bought a house she couldn’t afford.

be careful. once you’re there your help might be just enough to allow her to stay so that 6 months-1 year could easily turn into an open-ended situation she has no need to end.

sorry to be blunt, but it sounds like she already chose her daughter over you.

your marriage is about to be tested in a way most aren’t. i wish you luck.

Helping her to survive and not end up homeless? Absolutely.
Helping her at my expense simply so she can be more comfortable in a big house she can’t afford when she could easily get by in a small apartment? Hell no.

Like I’ve said in my earlier posts, a big house is simply a luxury, so think of the house as if it was a car. If your mom had a Mercedes but also had money problems, are you really going to help her at your own expense simply so she doesn’t have to give up something that is purely a luxury, when she could sell it and buy a Toyota and have no money problems at all?

Even with the $8k tax issue, I would imagine if her situation is that bad, she’s better off still taking the hit and living in a cheap apartment while trying to get back on her feet. She might lose the 8k if she sells now, but how much is she going to keep losing if she keeps trying to make payments on the house she clearly can no longer afford? What about energy bills for the house vs. a small apartment? I know I spend about $60 a month on utilities at my apartment, while my parents spend about $500 a month on utilities at their house thats about 10X the size of my place. She could easily make back that $8k in maintenance and utility costs alone within a year or two of living in a small place. If the tax issue is that big, offer to help with that, but offering to help her keep the house for longer will just make things much worse.
When you say she can’t afford to lose the $8k, can she really not afford it, or does she simply not want to have to lose it (which wasn’t really her money in the first place, it was just a government-offered discount [to my understanding, forgive me if I'm wrong]). I have a hard time believing that if she was to talk to people about selling the house, that there wouldn’t be financing options to minimize how much of that 8k she has to pay out of pocket, or at least make it into reasonable long term payments.

Also keep in mind that your husband is about 10x more opposed to the situation than he’s letting you believe. Generally when a guy has to say anything but praises about their girl’s mom, he will generally cut down his actual feelings by 90% when he’s talking to you, because any guy with half a brain knows that saying something that’s just a little too negative about their wife’s mother will result in their wife’s brain shutting down all logic and switching to 100% angry emotional response, which guys never, ever want, and will gladly lie to avoid.

You really think that throwing your mother into your daily life with you and your husband won’t be the most straining this to ever happen to your relationship? Look, it might have been a quick call on Beer’s part to say that your marriage wouldn’t last a year, but two young kids getting married is a billion times easier to work through than two young married kids living with the wife’s mom and sister. I’d also be willing to bet money this will end your marriage if you do it. Regardless of what boundaries you try to set up, your mom is going to cross them, and you’re going to let her cross them, and your husband won’t say shit because you’ll probably take it as him insulting your mother, so he’s just going to put up with it until he hits his breaking point and walks out on you and your mom realizing he’d much rather be alone than have to live under the same roof as his wife’s mom and sister.

OR

Simply find a renter.

I know you said that you wouldn’t be comfortable with a stranger living with your mom but just trust me, a renter will solve this entire situation without sacrificing your marriage. I’ve had dozens of roommates, and the worst I could say about any of them was that they were too loud or too messy. If it’s that big of a concern, make it a month to month lease, if anyone is that bad you can just refuse their renewal request. I’m sure you’re picturing a serial killer browsing roommates wanted ads looking for an old woman to murder, but please bring your mind back to reality and realize that 99.99999999999% of people looking at roommate wanted ads are simply looking for roommates/a place to live, and that statistically speaking your mom probably has a better chance of being struck by lightening or winning the lottery than she does of being killed by her new roommate.

I think you feel more ok about this because you actually believe that these boundaries and time limits you’re talking about are rock solid, when your mom knows that because she’s your mom, she’s going to be able to get away with breaking the boundaries, invading your personal space, always asking you to stay for "just one more month", knowing that you won’t turn her away, because she’s your mom.

In fact, from my experiences with lots of different roommates, I’ve found that friends and family are the WORST people you could possibly live with, because like I said, they know they can get away with breaking your rules because you’re their friend/family. Strangers know that if they piss you off, you’ll kick them out of the house, so they’ll be much more respectful of the rules of the house. Plus, after about a month you tend to get to know your roommates well enough that they do become friends which is not a problem, just make it clear to them that as long as you’re in the house together, you are roommates first and friends second.
Only you can have a jist of the solution. I have recommended helping your mother, this sounds like a good idea to me. Others are saying you are having problems with your marriage. You have to take your own inner scale and weigh these things. Perhaps the arrangement can help solidify your family and marriage. But if you or your wife become angry at your sister all the time then that is pure destruction. I really meant it when I said that your fighting with your sister is your fault. Just because she has a psychological lack and is not able to support herself and she wants to fight does not mean it gives you permission to engage in that type of behavior despite your resentments. You are supposed to be a man and your wife is supposed to be a woman and you should have either the ability to not respond to her baiting or to offer her blessings instead of insults. I know it is a real tempting siren but it is a chance for you to develop new internal and positive values.

In the grand scheme, i suppose the 8K would not be so bad to give up. She would have to pay it back in taxes. You can say ‘it wasnt really her money to begin with’ but the fact is, that money is gone. My mom does not have 8k to write a check to the gov. Plus, the housing market is terrible now, and waiting it out still feels like the better option.

As far as my husband goes, I understand he is not thrilled about this. He has said it will take time for him to get adjusted, but he is willing to help. I wish he had an account, I really cant speak for him. No one here believes me, even if I quote him word for word. The fact is, he thinks differently than most guys here, and while this may not something he is excited about, he is willing to do it.

I did not post on OT about this when it happened, but we did have a homeless woman living with us for several weeks in our 1 bedroom apartment because she needed our help. I will NOT get into the details about it, but the point is we have dealt with stressful living situations. Because of my mom’s health issues she does not go upstairs often enough to be invading our space. I’m not saying there will not be issues. I know there will. But knowing the personalities of my mom and my husband, the worst issues will not be with them.

My mother is not the type to take advantage either. This is the first time she has ever asked for my help, even while I was living there. She is not about invading space, or getting what she wants. She has always been about helping out other people, making others comfortable, sacrificing comfort for others. She is not trying to ‘get away’ with something. Shes just asking for a bit of help.

I’m not so much worried about a roommate killing her. Its just stressful living with a stranger in the house. (I know) Also, because I know my mom’s personality, she would end up making herself crazy trying to please this person. When she has guests everything has to be perfect and she over stresses herself. I think a renter would be far worse.

I’m sure this arrangement will put a degree of stress on everyone, and there will be some issues. I know the compromises in place may not be upheld 100% or they will not guarantee easy living. But they do give me a bit of ‘hope’ i suppose that things will be different.

I agree. And it something I honestly hope I can work on and accomplish. I also hope my sister has matured a bit, but all remains to be seen.

btw, you do know I am the wife right?
Was feeling extra bored, thought I’d post some past comments about your relationship with your mom & sister. Might be something to re-think…

You sure you’re not just doing this out of guilt because your mom paid $10k for your wedding out of pocket when she didn’t really have the money to begin with?

haha, your ability to remember things is truly a talent. Its nice though, I remember where most of those thoughts came from, and for myself, I’m glad to see I have actually grown as a person since then.

I suppose I exaggerated my relationship with my mom a bit. She did have a problem with us getting married at the time and we had some issues during the engagement. And while I do somewhat pity my mother for her social situation, I certainly do not, and have never hated her. She has her quirks, and they are something I have come to understand and look past. During that time also, there was just a lot of stress in my life. Stress about the wedding, stress from living with my sister, and that I believe caused problems with my mother that would not normally be there, or is not there now.

As for the relationship between my husband and family, things have GREATLY improved. After we got married and we continued to hold down our jobs, and live on our own, my mother gained a great deal of respect for my husband. And he has learned to relax and does not feel judged when they are around each other. His relationship with my sister also improved after we got married. They are relatively comfortable around each other. We have had many stress free and awkward free dinners and times with my family.

I have not forgotten all the problems with my sister. And that is my biggest hesitation about this move. I had sworn to myself that I would never live with her again. I cannot forget the stress, pain, and what I deem abuse that she put me through. But it would be wrong of me not to recognized that things have changed. And I think it would be wrong of me to only dwell in the past. To be honest, it does scare me to think about going back to that point in my life. I am not sure if the changes are due time/space apart, or if we have grown and matured as individuals. For the sake of everyone’s sanity, I pray it is the latter.

I’m not sure I would call it guilt, but yes, her paying 10K for our wedding is something I feel indebted to her for. There is also the car she bought be years ago that I want to pay her back for, and the numerous meals she has paid for, and you know, generally raising me and being as good a mother as she could to me for so many years. She has done more for me than I can ever thank her for, or pay her back for. And again, I am glad to have the chance to help her, and be there for her, as she has always been for me.

Oh, well that changes things a bit in my eyes now that I know that.

I’ve always gotten the impression that men get a chuckle out of two women fighting as long as it doesn’t cause them any trouble. They do not get so emotionally involved in stuff that doesn’t concern them. So as long as he is kept out of the firing range and doesn’t start getting into it with your sister, it would seem like it would be an easier fit.

I was thinking it was a guy that was getting in fights with his sister, and then the wife would probably get into it too because women are like that… that would have been a worse situation.

It just seems too beneficial all around to do this. Provides benefits location wise, helps family members, allows you to be very close to family, easy laundry, and many other benefits.

The main danger is the fights and I’ve provided a lot of materials recently on anger and stuff so maybe check them out. Anger comes in a flash and really baits us in at unsuspecting moments. Which will definitely happen despite how much you think she has "matured", people usually don’t change.

So imagine how it was before, that is how it will be. We cannot change others it is impossible, it is hard enough to change ourselves. That is the only factor we have control over. But if we change ourselves inside then that changes the outside circumstances remarkably. That is real magic. So learn how to do that..
You have already made up your mind, so anything said in this thread is pointless.

However, you should not allow your mother to do this to you.

You are comfortable where you are at and will be giving up your own kitchen for a jacuzzi tub and a community pool. I think your husband is lying to you, he knows your gonna move anyways. If he spoke out against it and your mother lost the house you could say it was his fault.

Your mother needs to kick the sister out and move find a man, she ought to try moving forward instead she is trying go back and is taking you with her.

You asked, I would NEVER do this for my mother, I couldn’t but I suppose my sister would figure out something. So do whatever you feel you have to do, I wouldn’t buy any.

Ouch.

First off, we answered your question. If you not getting your expected answer bugs you then maybe you shouldn’t have asked it.
The old ‘don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to’ thing is in effect here.

2nd off, I won’t speak for anyone else, but I was paying you a compliment. You are not an adult until you move out of Mommy and Daddy’s basement and learn to get yourself along in this world. Too many children are finding too many excuses to stay in Mommy and Daddy’s comfortable basement.
It isn’t easy getting your first apartment and finding your way in this world. I commend you on doing this.

It is annoying enough when someone is looking for an excuse to move back in with Mommy and Daddy cause the world is harder then they thought. It is TRULY annoying when Mommy is tossing a rope around a kids neck and dragging them back home kicking and screaming.

Here is the bottom line.
1. Your husband apparently doesn’t get along with your Sister. You NEED to consider your husbands needs.
I am gonna spell this out for you, if you go through with this and your husband divorces you – YOU HAD IT COMING. THE DIVORCE IS YOUR FAULT, NOT HIS. HE IS BLAMELESS.

2. (I think you are really gonna hate this) You, your husband and your childrens (actually, I have the idea you are childless, but I want this in here to accentuate the point) MUST COME FIRST.
This means that if your Mother calls you up and begs for $500 for her mortgage and that $500 threatens your rent, you are obligated to say no to her.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t look for other ways of giving her a hand. Absolutely. Get creative. But you and your husband freshly married, just a couple of years out of your parents house, money MUST be tight. It has to be. You need to think of the roof over your head, your medical, food in your mouths and electricity in the walls before you start giving hand outs.

If my wife was giving her father money and because of that I couldn’t get a new video card that is one thing. I would be all right with that. If our car was in danger of getting repossessed because of the money she was giving him I would be irate.

Here is what you do.

You, your sister and your mother sit down with the bills.
You need to see ALL the bills.
Credit card, cable TV, cell phone, internet, food, mortgage, electricity, car payments, insurance… every goddam thing she is responsible for paying a month.
You need to see all the income.

Turn off anything that is not actively keeping her alive.
Cable TV – GONE.
Internet – GONE.
Cell phone and landline. Turn off the landline. Call up the cell phone company and dial back her plan so she doesn’t spend more a month then what the landline costed. You might have to turn off the data package.
Here is the rule: She can only have it if it keeps her alive.

Best case scenerio: a minimal cell phone payment, no landline. Electricity, car payment, car insurance, mortgage, heat, water/sewage and food.

Now look at the income. Subtract one from the other and look at the remainder.
Tell your Sister you are will to split the remainder 50/50 with her.

Now tell your mother that next month you, her and your sister will do the same sit down and you three can negotiate adding in something that is not a necessity like an internet connection or such.

**note: while short term suffering IS unavoidable here, it isn’t the intention. Consider picking her up an antenna from Wal-Mart for the TV. Hit up some friends for DVD’s they can loan your Mom. The intention is that she is in danger of loosing her house and she needs to do whatever is necessary to keep it. This is what is necessary.
From what you have said I am inclined to bet that your Sister is gonna get pissy at this. ~shrug~ This isn’t your problem at all. If your sister was contributing her fair share then you wouldn’t be having this sit down. Stand your ground. Be willing to contribute 50%. If your sister doesn’t pay up that isn’t your problem to deal with.

***farther note:
I did something REMARKEBLY like this to myself on one occasion. I cannot be trusted to pay bills. I lived by myself. I was in a bad, bad place. Because of stupid stuff I had done I had no money to eat with, my electricity was in danger of being turned off, my rent was next. I had no gasoline for my car and I probably was already in default for my car insurance.
My parents did this EXACT thing to me. I went to them. They didn’t loan me any money. They gave it to me. But in return, I had a sit down and I had to turn everything off, close down my checking account and live on cash for a month.
I kind of did a slow restart sort of thing. After 30 days I turned the phone back on and opened a new checking account. Then 30 days later I turned the TV back on. I forced myself to learn balancing a check book and such from the ground up.
It was good for me. It worked.

But I still really can’t be trusted. When I got serious with my wife I was like, ‘Hey honey here is all my income + all my bills. Thanks!’.

Yes, and I have been, but only as much as I have to be. I sure as hell wouldn’t uproot my family to move in with her.

You say that now, but what happens when she can’t sell the place without taking a loss of tens of thousands of dollars? Will she still sell, or will she opt to hold on to the place until housing prices go back up, now that she’s got you helping to pay the bills? The latter scenario is FAR more likely, and you’ll be in the middle of it.

That’s what background checks are for, and it doesn’t much matter whether your mom would like that arrangement; what matters is whether it would keep her from going bankrupt. As for your sister, who gives a fuck what she thinks? She’s freeloading; she’s getting way more than she’s paying for already.

Making strides is great, but your mom needs more income NOW, not in a few years. Your sister already lives there and is capable of helping out. She can go part-time in school for a couple semesters to help pay bills.

What will you do when those compromises inevitably become concessions on your part (and more importantly, on his part too, since they’re not his blood relatives)? How will you deal with the additional stress? Your willingness to accept this arrangement seems to be predicated entirely on the assumption that nothing will go wrong, which is out of line with reality; if things didn’t go wrong, your mom wouldn’t need help in the first place.

sure, if she needs my help after she gets her house in order, i’m there 100%

isn’t your obligation to your spouse greater than your obligation to your mother?

This could easily lead to him divorcing her. I hope he has the good sense to get out of this mess before he knocks her up.
As I said before, if he chooses to take the exit on the marriage it is clearly her fault.
Your poor husband. After reading your own descriptions of your sister and your mom I don’t know how you could be okay with putting him through living with those people. Does he fully understand what he’s getting into?

Your sister and mother are creating problems and you’re having to clean up after them. That will get extremely tiring for both you and your husband. There will be a neverending string of problems since your mom and sister and the type of people who do nothing but create problems.

Well that’s great that you’ve grown as a person, but your sister hasn’t. You’ve already forgotten what it’s like to live with abusive people. You somehow think your sister has changed because you see her every once in a while at dinner and she seems nice. If you move back in things will go right back to how they were. If I was your husband I’d tell you there’s no way in hell I’m moving in with crazy and abusive people.
Would I help my mother if she needed it? Absolutely.

However I would not move in with her. Part of that’s unique to my situation. I live in Texas, she lives in California. Not exactly practical for me to give up my income to try to find a new one right now.

I’d be sending her a check for whatever I could (and I know I could probably get damn near half her mortgage with a few changes in my lifestyle) and helping her out that way. If that didn’t work… I’d be flying out to Ca, helping her pack up the house, and move- either here to Tx or to Idaho where she’s planning on moving anyways- where she could pay cash for a house and live off the equity in the home until she finds a job.

My dad had to help his mom and brother financially a few years back when his brother had cancer and his mom was losing her business because his brother was her head mechanic. He didn’t move back to Pittsburgh, he sent what he could, and flew out to help with a few things.
She raised you and helped you when you needed it, now you should do the same. However, husband has a say too. Try to giver her a room that’s on a different floor or something.
Also, your mom, whether intentional or not, will be in your business. There is no way around it. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. Even the littlest of things will start to get annoying.

your husband will go insane

I did not mean that comment as put down, or an attack. Based on the responses to this thread, it was a legitimate question. Also Stilgar I appreaciate your compliment. The responses have not upset me, as I said I do appreciate them. I like to get an outside opinion on my situation. I do not feel that means I have to share the opinion. I was only shocked at the mostly one sided response. I was expecting viewpoints or comments both for and against, so the results were merely surprising.

As far as my husband goes, we are of the same mind on this matter. We have discussed it at length, and while he shares the same apprehension that I do we both feel helping my mother is a priority. He and I were both raised with the notion ‘family first’, and both our families are important to us. If his family needed help and we had the means to help, we would. I am sure no matter how many times I say that he is on board with this, no one will believe me.

Also, I think this ‘logic’ about my husband leaving me is hilarious. Maybe these opinions came from two different posters, but to say ‘your husband is lying to you, hes just not telling you how much he hates this idea’ and then to say ‘hes going to divorce you, and it will be your fault’ seem a bit crazy to me. So he can not communicate his feelings and then leave because things dont go his way, and that is my fault? lol. Anyway, this is not the case, I just thought it was a funny side point.

Again, my husband’s relationship with both my mom and my sister has improved. He does not dislike them. They are not the best of friends, but he gets along well with them, and the get along well with him.

As far as money, again, this arrangement is better for us financially. We will be able to save enough to buy a house when it comes time for us to leave my mom, so we will not have to rent again. All of our needs will be taken care of. Also, my mother has cut out cable, turned off the landline, and reduced their cellphone bill as much as possible, months ago. Part of our agreement in moving in, is that she has to let me help her organize and budget her finances. I handle all the finances for our household, and we are doing alright. We are also looking into other ways to reduce her monthly expenditures.

We cannot afford to help my mother without moving in. Our money is too tight for that. That would threaten our rent/medical/food etc. My sister finding a steady enough job to really contribute is unlikely. My hope is that she can find something that will allow her to take her own expenses out: gas, cell phone, car insurance, etc.

As far as mom in our business, the master is on the main, and our ‘place’ would be upstairs. My mom very rarely goes upstairs. My sisters room is upstairs, but she pretty much only sleeps there. She uses the master bath down stairs, and pretty much lives her life down there. Currently, I tell my mom a lot of what goes on in our lives, and my husband knows this and does not care. I’m sure at some point my mother will inject her unwanted opinion into a situation, but I feel there are peaceful ways to deal with this. I’m not saying it wont happen, I’m saying it will be manageable.

Again, I’m not saying this will be 100% smooth, or easy. But for now it is what has to be done, and everyone will be doing their best to make it work. Also, we decided a few days ago, we will not have to break lease, and we will not have to move until October. I think that decision has made this a bit easier, instead of feeling like we would have to break lease and move in roughly 30 days. Thank you again for the options/opinions.
Tell your mom you will do it if your sister contributes some amount of money or some chore to the cause. I don’t care if it’s $20/week or if she takes over doing ALL of the vacuuming…doesn’t matter. But you’re signing up to support both of them and your sister needs to do her share and "giving up her iPhone" while your mom still pays for her cell phone doesn’t cut it.

I definitely agree with this.
JBunni, i am sorry to say this, but in a tree structure the ‘roots’ come first. You can’t say the leaves aren’t important in a tree, but if the roots rot the entire tree will die.

This is why we often in the Asylum say ‘ you first need to help yourself before you can help others’, the financial position of you and your husband isn’t strong enough to secure that of your mother as well.

I don’t say ‘drop her like a brick’, maby you and your husband can make small monthly contributions, aka " give what you can spare " , without that threatening your own financial situation. On top of that a solid financial plan should be made for your mom, don’t give to your mom what you cannot afford to lose ok? Because you can’t help your mom out of the swamp if you let her drag you and your husband into the swamp as well, you see a certain distance towards your mom is needed in order to help her.

Please be carefull in your attempts to help her, and because of this advice to maintain distance, i advice you NOT to move into her house.

You are an adult, you’ve flown out of the house, and are now living your own life with your husband, going back to the past is tempting , but however not a good idea. This because your mother is not your responsibility, she needs to be able to financially take care of herself , and if she can’t , she’ll fall in the process. If it is within your reasonable ability to save her from falling without you yourself and your husband being dragged into the blackhole you should attempt to save her.

I wouldn’t ever do this unless it was the very, very last option…plus the fact that your mom isn’t doing it to save the house, butt to sell it anyway doesn’t make sense really. She should just get a 2nd job. It would probably make her enough $$$ to cover what you guys would be paying in rent.

Also, I think dismissing the renter idea is a brash move. Your mom or sis has to know someone who needs a room to rent, someone at work or school?? Get a youngish girl to rent and they will keep to themselves and be polite most likely. I’ve been that girl, and i was never an issue.

I could never live with my mom or make my fiance do it…she would drive me insane. We’re letting my sis live with us for 6 weeks and around week 2 I was already fed-up!

Which could make it even more difficult for him to admit to you how much he hates the idea of moving in with your mom.

I don’t think anyone on this board has said that you shouldn’t help if you don’t have the means. But everyone has given you a pretty consolidated opinion on HOW you should help.

Watch how quickly this will go from "getting along" to "strained" to "he hates them" while living in the same house. I "get along with" certain members of my family but if I had to live with them, I’d be up for murder.

There have been numerous bits of advice on how you can help your mother without moving in with her.

It honestly seems like you made up your mind a long time ago and now you’re reaching for excuses to try and rationalize the decision of moving in with your mom regardless of the caution and advice that has been given to you in this thread.

So best of luck to you, hopefully it doesn’t end your marriage and things work out – but I hope you realize that it is a VERY real outcome.
Having been there, and seen other Husbands in the situation… sometimes because the young couple has no money, and recently because Mum was getting old and invalid… this is a misery that guys will put up with because they love their wives. But they sure as hell don’t like it.

No one wants to live under the influence of someone else’s mum.

Perhaps if the layout of the house can allow it to be neatly divided into two separate units. Put a cupboard up in front of a doorway to block it. Two separate entrances.

Even then, it’s limbo of not being able to get on with your own life. To be tolerated for a short amount of time, before it gets stressful, it becomes an Issue.

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