I’ve been seeing various doctors trying to nail down some of my issues. Some with success, others actually made worse. Psych drug roulette sure is fun.

The one thing that none of them ever even touched was my state of constant boredom.

In the past, things I haven’t want to do just looked like procrastination. It’s normal to not want to do things you consider to be work. Cleaning, maintaining my car, going to work, etc. I could sometimes hype myself up to make it happen with the aid of ADHD meds. Once I start something I usually finish it, but it’s always like looking up at the top of a mountain from the bottom as I approach it, so very little actually gets started. I still had the ability to slack off and enjoy something else I found to be more fun than work in the meantime while putting off until the last possible moment to accomplish whatever was on my "need to do" list like paying bills, even if I had the money all month long and it’s as simple as a click.

As I’ve gotten older I now have the same experience with the things I’m supposed to enjoy. I find my hobbies to be chores, so I opt out. Things that would normally sound like fun I’m just not feeling up for. I put in a DVD or a video game and I’ll decide against it during the opening titles and come right back to that "I dunno what I wanna do, what do you wanna do?" state. I lose a hobby every day and never gain a new one, so there is little for me to be passionate about.

So as you can imagine, right now I’m losing my mind not being able to even do fun things to entertain myself or kill the time while trying all these different drugs.

Various drugs have helped with various things, but the only thing that makes my free time bearable is smoking pot. It puts me just in good enough of a mood to be able to enjoy comedy and games, the things nobody should have to force themselves to do. It also makes the time pass and puts me in just a good enough mood that I’m a lot harder to derail from a positive attitude, which is something that can normally happen without warning as I’m hyper-sensitive.

I’ve explained all this to my doctors and they insist on trying everything short of that. They say there’s no real drug for that particular symptom, either. Well we’re almost out of drugs to try out on me (this week he has me on no pot, taking Klonopin for a second time after not having any effect in small doses). I’m hoping it just takes sometime because I’m going apeshit right now, unable to calm down or be content, and the sinking feeling that I’m never going to get my life’s ship running upright and moving forward. It’s a kick in the ass that I could temporarily calm my nerves for a little while if I had some, but I also know I’ll be right back where I started tomorrow.

They seem to think only PTSD therapy is going to make this go away, but in the meantime I’m begging them for something to get my head out of the gutter so I can survive until then and keep with the program because I’m ready to call it quits at any moment and resign myself to a life of being a loser pothead just so I can get by with a little sanity. Without a little positivity and progress it’s hard to keep the suicidal thoughts at bay. I’m actually dying of boredom.

Sound familiar? Still fighting this battle or has anybody beat it?
I think the problem is you think you’re supposed to enjoy certain things, which is to say, you’ve converted fun into work by obligating yourself to it. Everyone needs quiet time sometimes; you’re not failing to enjoy life if you take a day off to sleep ’til noon, stare at the wall for a while, and then take a nap. I do that a couple times a month and it does a world of good for my mental health. You can get sick of anything if you’re constantly pushing yourself to do it.

Apparently your preferences for entertainment have changed, or else you constrained yourself to such a narrow range of experiences that you burned-out on them. In either case, you have to buck up and try new things so you can come up with something else to do that you’re not sick of, so you won’t be sitting around bored all the time. If you actually have Attention Deficit then you might be so sensitive to new experiences that they seem painful at first, but you need to work through that particular discomfort or else you’ll be bored for the rest of your life.
Prohibition!

All the way!

FTW!

No related posts.