It doesnt look that bad. You can barely see it in certain lighting. But in other lighting, its very noticeable and bothers me to no end.

My confidence and self esteem has dropped 100% since I noticed this thing. Nothing else has ever made me feel so insecure and self conscience.

I’m thinking of having it removed by surgical excision, but this doesnt guarantee anything and ofcourse, I would be left with an indented scar from being cut open. It would also hurt, put me out of work for a week, and cost a lot of money.

My other option is to just live with it and continue feeling like crap.
Fuck the scar, fuck the money,fuck everything and go get it treated immediately, what if it spreads and you lose your life? Its like chess what you give up easier a pawn or your king?

Be wise and get it removed immediately, i also had stuff i thought was something but i was too embarassed to do anything about it, years and years later i finally on a very foggy day (so that people wouldn’t see me going) went to a homedoctor who said it was nothing

Here i was spending years of stress FOR NO REASON, lesson learned, go immediately, the sooner they treat it , the more chance for survival. Don’t even think about pride, think of staying alive for your family and loved ones who care for you, you go for them. That’s worth more then your pride, or feelings of feeling miserable, i know it sucks going but just put your shoes on without thinking about it and GO NOW!

I believe it is a benign tumor and does not spread. I dont think its cancerous (fingers crossed).

I have noticed it for about 2 years now. At first I thought it was nothing and would go away. Then I didn’t see it for awhile until one day I was under a light that was shining directly down on me, and I noticed it on my reflection on the TV. Over the past year, it hasn’t spread. Actually I think it’s gotten a bit better than before.

I’m so embarrassed of it. No one has said anything to me about it, but I’ve noticed a few people staring. My mom doesnt even know about it but she made a comment one day saying "your cheeks are getting chubby..". It’s something I dont talk about with anyone IRL.
go to the doc. get it checked out, just to be sure. Then, discuss your options.

Even if it is benign, you want to keep an eye on it so it doesn’t become any form of functional impairment.
Thanks.

I have not seen a doctor yet but plan on doing so tommorow.

One doctor online said it could also be a blocked salivary duct. Or a salivary stone (similar to kidney stone). Although considering the time its been there, Id think it wouldve passed by now.
Lipomas and cancers are rare in your age group. It’s most likely a blockage in your parotid duct or an infection. Don’t stress too much about it. Just go to see your doctor tomorrow.
My friend had a mole, he had it removed because people made fun of him for it and it could potentially be 1% cancerous or something. Now he has a bad ass scar and people are like "cool face dude".
1. Get treated
2. Get the scar
3. Tell women you got scar by helping old lady who was getting mugged
4. ??????
5. Profit

But for real, get it checked. I’ve never even as much as broken a bone in my body, but in the last 6 months I’ve gotten shingles(I’m only in my late 20′s) and had such a serious ear infection, I temporarily lost hearing in my left ear. Both of those occasions I waited ~9 days before seeing the doctor. Worst decisions I could have made. If you can afford it/have health insurance, GO TO A DOCTOR. I thought I was invincible, wasn’t sick and just had ‘temporary health disturbance’ when I was seriously sick twice. Go to the doctor man.

Would an infection be present for 2 years? that’s how long I’ve noticed this lump. Although it’s right where I have a patch of ingrown hairs. Maybe it is an infection???

I thought it would go away. Or I thought it might be built up scar tissue from acne. I dunno I guess I tried hard to convince myself that everything would be okay and it would go away. But now 2 years later I have to face reality. Something is there, and I want it gone.
If you have several ingrown hairs in the area, it’s entirely possible you have multiple "leftover" hairs for each follicle, which would’ve fallen out or been washed off if they weren’t ingrown. That kind of stuff can seriously piss off your immune system. Go to a dermatologist and get it checked out.

My dad has a couple lipomas on his arms. They’re squishy because they’re made of fat, and they can be rolled around, indicating they don’t have the robust blood supply that malignant tumors have. In any event, a dermatologist will know much more about what it is and how to get rid of it than anyone here will.

You don’t need the internet’s permission to go to the doctor, btw.

There’s no escape , you can get cancer at any age, some baby’s are born with cancer or even die from cancer in the womb. Its no reason to keep this stuff lingering, get it removed asap.
I saw the doctor today.

He said it’s an epidermal cyst. Barely even looked at my face though, and I swear every picture I see online when I search for "epidermal cyst" looks different than what I have. Felt like he was trying to get me out ASAP. But he said theres a 99.9% chance it is NOT cancerous.

Said I could get a Biopsy just to make sure, but it would leave a scar. Then he recommended me to a Plastic Surgeon if I wanted it removed. Overall he said it is barely noticeable and I should just live with it.

Kind of a useless visit. I feel like I need a 2nd opinion and will go to family doctor.

Did it look like this?
that seriously came up in first page of search for epidermal cyst.

I HATE that, and my doctor does it too. He is only my doctor because my previous physician, who had been so since I was 5, has his own health problems(I assume cancer or something equally serious). This new doctor gives me what I need, antibiotics & pain medication when I had shingles; and ear drops and antibiotics when I had my ear infection. But its $92 after insurance($120 before) and I only see him for 5 mins-8 mins MAX. Not to mention waiting in the lounge area for up to 45 mins AFTER my SCHEDULED appointment. I feel like I am being treated like a car at a repair shop where it is best for the company to get customers in and out in a hurry. Except I trust my local mechanic a hell of a lot more.
When I got my ear looked at, by the , he didn’t even change the little black nipple piece before OR after he did it.

I’d get the 2nd opinion also, but I’m betting it is a cyst. Looking at the google images from a search, none of them really look all that alike. When you consider everyone’s skin is different, it alleviates any thought it could be a tumor in my eyes. I doubt it is cancerous.
I saw that picture also when I searched LOL. Thanks for the laugh

I have serious doubts about it being a epidermal cyst though. Almost EVERY picture I’ve seen have looked kind of hard with defined edges. Mine is very soft, barely noticeable, and no defined edges. I mean the doctor could barely see it in the lighting we were in. I had to show him pictures of it on my cell phone that I took under a very bright light.
Go see a docter who DOES listen to your problem, and get it removed. Even if its 0,01% chance that its cancerous, that’s enough reason to get it removed.

.
Well, there’s also a 99.9% chance it’s going to keep bothering you until it’s gone.

Yeah well if you get 10,000 different opinions, eventually one doctor will tell you that it’s a problem.

0,01% chance is not a very big chance and certainly not worth engaging in surgery over. It would be more worthwhile to stop engaging in common bad habits (eating fried etc) that probably generate a risk of cancer closer to 1%

Your health in in your hands but do realize that doctors can see dozens or hundreds of patients per month that are just full of fear and terror about death.

If it’s not even a brown spot, he is probably right that it is nothing to worry about. If it is a brown spot then they will usually take it seriously.

It is also worth throwing my person belief in here, that is… if you are doomed to get and die of cancer, you will, unless you negotiate the karma.
I had a friend that had one of these in his cheek, he had it removed twice. It grew back every single time. Now there is a big bump with a scar across it.
I actually have a subcutanious lipoma in my arm. I got it diagnosed immediately after I found it because lumps are not something you should fuck around with. That said, I don’t believe a good doctor needs to do much touching to know what it is. If they’re experienced, they can tell a lot about it just from touching it a little bit.

My lipoma is noticeable in certian lights, but not in others. I recognize having a lump on your face is much more noticeable though. My doctor told me that operations to remove those typically do leave scars though so she suggested only to remove it if it starts to grow too big or becomes painful. One of the tricks with lipomas is that if you develop one, you’re more likely to develop more. She said she had one patient who kept getting them and kept getting them removed and is now literally covered in scars.

You said you have two options… to get it removed and deal with the scar or to be miserable. That’s actually not true. You have a third option, which is to learn how to live with it and not let it destroy your self-perception. There are plenty of people in the world who are emotionally healthy and find themselves physically attractive even though they have scar tissue, loss of limbs, etc. Are you really saying that a little bump on your face is worse than that? It’s all about perspective man. Just change yours and you’ll be fine.

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By the way, my family is fully accepting of my boyfriend and his family, culture, religion etc. so at least we have that going for us – in addition to a mighty strong relationship. We communicate extraordinarily well. The only thing is, my boyfriend wants his family (especially his parents) on board with "us" before we start off life as a married couple. This is fine, but a little stressful because it will be a real shame and disappointment to my boyfriend if it never happens.
where acceptable, make efforts to be apart of their traditions and show that you care about where they come from
Well. There’s not much you can do here. The Pakistani Muslims are traditionally a very dogmatic people. My friend has recently had problems with the family of a Pakistani girl. They just want nothing to do with "outsiders".

Basically, be the best person you can be. Patient instead of angry, etc. Once that boat has passed and you are married, then the war is over on their side, they lose. The only upside for them at that point would be that you would pass down their beliefs to your children, and you have to be their friend in order to do that. So they will probably try to befriend you at that point. The nesting habits of these dogmatic people are very interesting…
i went through something like this. im atheist. my ex-wife’s family is christian. im also covered in tattoos which they did not appreciate. it took a while for them to get over it. after seeing me at family functions and seeing that im not as bad as they thought i was bc of my appearance and believes they started to be a lot more open to talking to me.

although our situation was a bit different as my ex did not really care if they liked me or not.
I believe my mother was jealous of my SO when she was my girlfriend.

This came to a head at my cousins wedding from my fathers side. My parents had just gotten divorced, dad and his wife showed up and my mom and her boyfriend came. For some reason my cousin made everyone sit with their parents, so we had to sit with my mother.

The wedding was late at night and the only reason my mother came was because it was at a nice place. Mom and the boyfriend had been drinking whiskey all day.

I was kinda boisterous and was semi-drunkenly shouting things at appropriate times. You know, joking around and trying to draw attention to myself, which I succeed in doing. I did not realize that I was also drawing attention to my mother and her boyfriend, who were older than the other 6 people at out table by about 30 years. (I was 25)

After I inadvertently embarrassed them, my mother told her boyfriend that she needed to leave. He asked why and said he was having a good time. They stayed.

My mother had me ‘cornered’ the ‘entire’ evening, telling me that I needed to talk to my father about the divorce. Eventually I tried to get away by wandering off by myself into the snow, I was prevented from doing this by the SO who was not dressed for the weather. Screaming ensued and I was told to ‘shut up’ and to stop making a scene outside the wedding venue by some of my cousin’s cousins from her mothers side, who are a more burly sort (and there were 4 of them.) I challenged them to shut me up, figuring that if they were mad enough at me to tell me to shut up they had ought to be mad enough to kick my ass. They were not that mad but this incident made my staying at the wedding impossible, the wedding and dinner were over with anyways and the SO had already called us a cab.

When the cab arrived, who jumped into the back of the van but my mother and her boyfriend with whom we had been arguing. The entire 10 minuet ride to the motel I tried to explain that the problem was alcohol. I had on two previous occasions asked my mother why, whenever we hung out alcohol had to be involved; I had expressed desire to end these ‘alcohol fueled excursions.’

I was told that the problem was not alcohol and between the two of them they called my girlfriend at the time a ‘bitch’ seven times. After they are the ones who jumped into our cab. The SO at one point asked the mothers boyfriend ‘who the fuck are you.’

Then we arrived at the motel and when we were getting out of the cab van my mother knocked the SO onto her ass by hitting her in the face, as she exited the vehicle. I knocked my mother into a Post Standard newspaper box, with my forearms, I do not know what the SO would have done if, when she stood up, my mother was on level with her. This pissed off the SO later because she had been unable to handle it herself because of my actions.

The people running the front desk saw all of this and kicked my mother and the boyfriend out of the motel.

My mother has never said ‘I’m sorry’ she told my sister and I, ‘I apologize.’ The SO claims that she has never even heard that.

***

On to now, the SO and I have a kid. Grandma wants to come around more now and take baby to her place, she wants us to go there on holidays and make time for her. The SO is holding onto a lot of resentment. She knows that my mother does not like her, even though it is over 3 years later.
***

I guess what I am saying is that, my mother had come around because of the baby. Now so much has happened the SO does not want to hang around with my mother. She allows the baby to go, but she does not want to go herself.

In my experience; The mother in law may come around, but only after she has cornered you enough times, ruined enough evenings, made you look like a fool enough times to irreversibly pissed you off.

It is not good situation to be in. Not a good situation to be in at all. I really, really, really wish I could say that it turned out differently.
Watch out for that.

She is going to try to piss you off, corner you and she is going to attack you from every possible angle.
Can you arrange for your families to have dinner together?

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My dilemma right now is i’ve lined up 4 dates in 5 days … should i be honest about the dates I’m going on with the other women? I want to be upfront and honest with them but i also don’t want to get slapped in the face. I honestly didn’t think i’d get this many dates in 1 week so i’m feeling overwhelmed.

Edit: I never kiss on the first date, it’s cheezy and disrespectful. So my intentions are NOT to fool around with all of them. I’m just looking for that one special lady.
You’re not obligated to be exclusive from the getgo and they should have no expectations that you are. It’s not like you expect that you are the only date they have lined up, right?

No need to tell them.
A girl I met at a meetup.com meet once told me she would stack multiple dates in one evening off of okc and pof.

Don’t worry about it.
If you just met a woman, she’s not expecting to be talking about exclusivity. If she is, she’s crazy, and you’re better off NOT dating her.
Thanks everyone for their input. I just wasn’t sure what the etiquette was. I really didn’t plan on having this many dates at once, now i just hope i don’t get their names mixed up.
its honestly none of their business

its normal for a single man to see more than one woman at a time
Dating random women online seems like a horrible way to find women.

Your average women is like your average man: full of defects. Full of hidden ugliness.

A virtuous woman is very rare nowadays. Real virtue is hard to find in anyone, but without it then the marriage will not be perfect.
Spiritus, for me it’s a nice way to meet women. First off i’m very shy, and i do have a stutter, so i break the ice via chat/email so once the first date comes a lot of the nerves and jitters have already passed. I don’t work with any women so meeting them at work is out and i don’t to the club/bar scene, haven’t since i was 19, i am now 34.
I absolutely wouldn’t talk about it.
But I wouldn’t lie about it either.

If you are two healthy adults on a first date it is EXPECTED that there is no exclusivity. That comes later.

Just understand that no one wants to go out on a date and feel like it is a contest and they have to score more then the next chick.

If some woman told me that I would end the date immediately.

This is entirely unwarranted. If this is a steadfast rule, you are over thinking things. If it feels right at the end of the date, go for it. Be a man. There have been plenty of times at the end of the date where we were talking or saying goodbye and it just felt right so I went for it. Seriously, the worst that will happen is she will tell you she isn’t into it. If she is still talking with you and didn’t bow out of the date right after dinner or whatever, she is at least a little into you. I wouldn’t try and fuck off the bat, but if she offered to go up to her place I would follow and see what happens. Don’t over think this, just be yourself and you will succeed.
Don’t bring up the fact you are ‘dating’ other women.

First dates, are supposed to be fun and simple.. get a feel for eachother and see where it goes from there.

Just be yourself.
Thanks for all the advice guys. So last night had my first date of the week, had my cell phone on mute. The dinner date lasted 3 and a half hours, we had a great time, no silences whatsoever. She even ordered more tea after dinner which i took as a sign if she wanted to gtfo there she wouldn’t even had ordered one.

When i got back to my car all 4 + 1 new girl had messaged me the time i was in the restaurant and i just told all of them i was out to dinner. Tomorrow i have a lunch date and at night another date (which i’ve REALLY connected with) with another one.

I left it open ended i told all of them i was out to dinner, none asked with who, if they did i’d tell them the truth. And the response about kissing onf irst day, yes i agree, but i probably won’t be the one initiating it.

No, cause i’m not leading them on, so far i’ve had 2 good dates. Good food good company. Got another one tonight, Saturday night and lunch date on Sunday.

The one i have a date with tonight we’ve connected big time over the phone and chat so if this goes well i will probably pursue it further and cancel the other 2. I’ll keep you all updated.

Don’t worry about spiritus he’s the "special" member of this forum

Go out and have fun and don’t talk about other women to them. That makes women all kinds of angry/jealous to hear about another woman.
So Friday night’s date went so well that i cancelled my Saturday’s date and will be cancelling my lunch date today. The girl i went out with on Friday asked me out to a movie on Saturday night. We went to see Contagion, held hands 1/2 through the movie and never let go I feel like a teenager again.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket so fast with online dating.

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Keep your closeness as a friend but keep you distance as a future bf/lover. You’ll feel much better about yourself once they break up and you didn’t have a negative hand in it.

I was in the same situation in my twenties and did just that and once they broke up i didn’t pounce, eventually she came to and we started a relationship. If it’s meant to be don’t rush it it will just grow on its own.
Stay away. Pursue if she ever becomes single.

If you pursue her now, it’s an exercise in frustration, because no matter how close you guys become, she’ll still be going home to the husband. Not to mention, she’d be getting way more out of it than you would.

Go do a search in the Vag…this happens all the time, and it hardly ever ends well.
Ask in the main if you want to know how many men have been told by a woman who is engaged/married/dating another man that they want to leave him to be with them.

It’s an old trick and most of the time it ends up with you sitting there cock in hand being strung along with nothing she ever says happening. You might get to fuck her, hell you may even end up being with her if you are ‘lucky’ but just remember how you got there and that she will probably do the same thing to you.
Like a great deal of relationships, she is choosing to leave as soon as the passion dies. Reality has set in, there is no love in her relationship if she is behaving in that way, and not much love for the child either. The brutal truth.

If she gets with you, how will it be different?

Generally people who have been married for many years have something beyond passion that connects them. An intellectual connection, emotional dependency, fear, convenience, but rarely love. We like to think that we know how to love, this way it is easy not to have to work to become better then we are.

Anyone who popped a baby, is dragging an engagement out for five years (doesn’t care about him, but won’t leave him either?), and latches on to guys at work is seriously messed up. And there’s probably a lot more you don’t know about. I wouldn’t go near that even if she did cut him off for real.

You’re not "in love". You have a crush. In itself there’s nothing really wrong with that; we’ve all been there. But look at the bigger picture for all the baggage this babe is dragging with her.

She’s not serious about you. She’s not serious about her fiance (repeat after me: five years???). She’s not even serious about being a responsible parent to her child.

She’s doing such a great job screwing up her life on her own it would be hard for you to add to her problems, but she sure as hell will add to yours. Honestly bro, I would not even friendzone this chick.

I’ll give you my stock Tevin advice that I’ve used before: There are a zillion unattached, level-headed normal chicks out there. Go date one of them.

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Who do you know that has a picture like that?

She left graduation for Pepsicola Fl to fly jets.

They say Jealousy is a sin. Fuck that. I think she is awesome. She is my uncles daughter. I look at her and I imagine what my life COULD have been like if I had made some different decisions. Yeah I am jealous, but in a good way. I like seeing good things happen to her.

They said she couldn’t fly, she weighed to little.
Know what they signed her up to do?
Pilot remote controlled subs.
How fucking cool is that.
I was like, ‘Holy shit, so this is what you do when you can’t fly.’.

Still jealous.

Her Mother committed suicide a month ago.

Yesterday I got a phone call. My cousin had taken pills, they found her unconscious.
I don’t know if she was breathing or not when they found her. The term ‘revived’ was used, so that probably means that no she wasn’t breathing. But I don’t know with any certainty.

When I went to bed last night the last I heard was that she had not regained consciousness. My Mother said something about ‘she is out of the danger area’, I have zero idea what that is supposed to mean. My Father said to me that his brother is currently driving from Rhode Island to LA and that when he arrived his daughter might be dead.

There is a very real question of if there is brain damage or not.

I am very sad.

If you are the praying type, pray for Stilgar’s cousin. God will know who you are referring to.

Thanks.
I’m sorry to hear that, I hope everything is ok. I’ll keep her in my thoghts and prayers

Thanks. I may be an asshole, but she is a good kid.
I don’t trust anyone who isn’t an asshole sometimes. It means they’re lying to me.

Anyway, yeah, that’s seriously fucked up. Then again, I have to wonder if wanting to fly jets was really your cousin’s idea or her mom’s idea. I say this because people generally don’t kill themselves when they can’t meet their own goals — they just define new goals — but when they can’t meet goals that someone else has set for them, that’s a whole different kind of problem. Nobody wants to have to tell someone else they’re not as good as that person thought they were, that they didn’t really deserve the love and support they’d gotten from that person in the past. That shit weighs heavily on people. If your cousin thought for a second that her mom killed herself because she was so disappointed in her daughter that she couldn’t stand to live anymore, that would send almost anyone over the deep end.

I’m not the praying type, but I am the hoping type. I hope she gets better. The world needs more smart people, and it sure as hell doesn’t need fewer of them.
Thanks Deus.

I have a question. I might go to the military sub-forum and ask it. But if anyone reading this knows the answer, fire away.

As I said, she was in the Navy and she was getting geared up to do something that I think was incredibly neat.
Her major was oceanography. Who amongst us wouldn’t want to pilot remotely controlled subs for the Navy?

I am an aviation buff and was disapointed when she couldn’t fly, but to me this is every bit as cool as flying.

Anyways. You are in the Navy, gearing up to do this thing when your Mom kills herself.

You get depressed (who wouldn’t?) and the depression doesn’t hit.
For the sake of argument we are just going to assume that you see the need for some sort of help. Antidepressants and maybe some visits to the shrink for the short term.

If you went through with getting the help, what would be the repercussions to your Naval career? Would it be career suicide? Or just a blip on the radar?

I have been thinking about that. Both of her parents are Dr.s that can prescribe medication (Dr’s as in shrinks, phsychiatrists I think).
I have no idea about the military aspect, but if your cousin’s parents are(were) both psychiatrists, that means her ego probably never got a moment’s peace when she was growing up. If her parents had any inclination to try to influence her personality as a child, she wouldn’t have had a chance of resisting. It’s entirely possible she tried to commit suicide because in her mind half of her own personality died when her mom killed herself.
My prayers to you and your family TS.

Personally, had it not been for my reading of Dr. Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search For Meaning, I might not be alive today myself. Here’s the passage that perhaps most helped to save my life:

I remember two cases of would-be suicide, which bore a striking similarity to each other. Both men had talked of their intentions to commit suicide. Both used the typical argument — they had nothing more to expect from life. In both cases it was a question of getting them to realize that life was still expecting something from them; something in the future was expected of them. We found, in fact, that for the one it was his child whom he adored and who was waiting for him in a foreign country. For the other it was a thing, not a person. This man was a scientist and had written a series of books which still needed to be finished. His work could not be done by anyone else, any more than another person could ever take the place of the father in his child’s affections.

This uniqueness and singleness which distinguishes each individual and gives a meaning to his existence has a bearing on creative work as much as it does on human love. When the impossibility of replacing a person is realized, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence and its continuance to appear in all its magnitude. A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the "why" for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any "how."
I’m praying for your cousin. I wonder if she identified with her mother so much that she couldn’t see her own life without having her mother in it. When the most significant person in your life dies, it leaves an awful big hole. I don’t think the Navy would look upon her situational depression as a career ender, but a suicide attempt might restrict what they will let her do for awhile. She will have to be cleared by the shrink before they will let her do anything of a sensitive nature.
In the meantime, I hope she’ll be fine.

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Basically I miss probably 50% of conversations I’m in everyday (seriously, everyday) because the words just seem to zoom right past me. Like I’ll have to constantly ask what they just said and/or pretend like I heard what they said the 1st part and either nod my head/laugh/etc. and then realize what the conversation is about a minute later as I ask more questions.

I’ll be staring at the person and the words just seem to fly right past me, no one knows about it, not even my family, I’ve just kind of dealt with it…

It’s been a part of my life and I always feel like it makes me look and act very awkward because I’ll be nodding/laughing at things that I shouldn’t be. I just… want to know how to deal with this because I want to fix it….
Talk to your doctor, get a referral to a therapist or psychiatrist. Try some self help coping if you want to google that, or do the other stuff and get some pills.

It’s fairly simple.
Whenever I go to the doctor, I always guilt myself out of it because I get a sense of feeling that he thinks I’m just looking for a cheap excuse to get some pills when I really do just want to deal with this problem…

Then ask him about it, say you have issues that sound like they could be caused by ADHD and if possible you were wondering if he could help.

Getting a referral to a psychiatrist would probably work the best if he really does think you are just after some pills. Then again that person should be able to pick out any other problems they see as well, which can’t hurt.
what do you think about when you space out ? Do you notice the moment you start doing it ? Interesting disorder to have. Are you easily bored ?

I don’t really think? I just kind of space out and then have to bring myself back to reality asap and realize there is a conversation going on at hand. I’ll notice the person is talking to me but it’s like I don’t even hear the 1st sentence, I just see the lips moving as I’m staring…

I guess I am easily bored, I didn’t do so well in college, I would attend class as much as I can but the information would fly right by me. I passed sure but I didn’t get the GPA that I wanted. Someone could be showing me how to do a simple thing like finding out how to find out food cost for a restaurant and it’s all pretty simple but I’ll just keep nodding and pretending like I know what that person just told me. But in reality, I went and figured it out on my own which was a lot easier for me but still a struggle since I couldn’t remember where the numbers should go and would constantly have to look back and forth between excels instead of just remembering ______ number went _____, they all just get thrown in a bag and thrown around in my head…
I experience this as well, it’s not as extreme for me.. and if I really slow down, and listen to every single word, and string them together in my head. I can understand what someone is talking about. But if I’m doing my own thing, or not devoting 100% listening attention to someone it zooms right by me.. and I usually end up having to ask again what they said, or just nodding/laughing to move forward.

So even if you really TRY to listen to somebody, you still have issues?

Yeah, I’ll go in and out of the conversation (mind you, I’ll be making eye contact the whole time), most people don’t notice.
This sounds like it interferes with your life – just be honest about the problem with a doctor/psychiatrist/whatever and they should be able to help. Nobody is going to judge you for seeking help – except maybe in a positive light.
Same thing happens to me. It is especially bad when someone is giving me directions to a place I’ve never been to before. "Turn right at the… you know that red building?… turn right there and then…". You know? It is eleventybillion times easier for me to look at the address on a map. Then it takes me all of 5 seconds to figure out all the highways and streets I need to take and where to avoid traffic.

I found out very early on that I’m not an auditory learner but a visual learner. I bet you now realize that the phrase "in one ear and out the other" refers specifically towards people like us rather than someone just not paying attention.
I do the same thing. I will think about the fact that I’m thinking about other things, while somebody’s lips move, and I’m hearing none of it. I have no advice, though, because I took ADHD pills and it never fixed it.
Spend hours a day concentrating on a single thing. Some good examples of things to dedicate your attention and energy are: a simple candle, classical music, a point on a stream, a plant, etc.

Focus on the changing details of the object of focus.

This will absolutely build your ability to focus and concentrate, there is no doubt about this. Your brain will become better at the task at hand. This will benefit your entire life.

Another problem you are having is the fact that you don’t know how to listen.

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Here is what I’ve posted on another forum im on

Eating disorders / mental health

Looking for a bit of advice from anyone who has dealt with friends/family dealing with eating disorders.

Partners’ sister has been suffering from Annorexia/depression/anxiety for, well 9 years, and has spent the last 3 years in an institute in Brisbane trying to get better, and in the 3 years, pretty much they have acheived nothing, from what we hear some of the medical professionals have been far from professional lately, so we have discharged her from there on the proviso she comes to canberra and lives with us, and have her family around to support her, and change to a good dietician/GP/Psychiatrist etc down here.

She started with an appointment with her GP last week, and has referrals for the Psych, and dietician this week. … her previous psych has her on 2x anti depressants, 1 anti-psychotic and 26354 meds for her digestion its scary.

Only thing is she’s very manipulative, deceitful and tells people what they want to hear. to the point where even we watch her, or keep her busy with her nephew or something for an hour each time after she eats or has her supplements, … to the point that we’ve now found out (by her feeling guilty that we are spending all this money looking after her and doing everything we can to get her better) and told us that she’s been still secretly purging her food, and probably has lost over 1kg since being here for a week. …. This she says she did because she didnt want her dietician to increase her meal intake this week at her appointment.

We’ve taken on this responsibility as her parents have been doing it for the last 3 years and its pretty much broken them, but we’re at a loss as to what kind of things we can do to motivate her. … she "says" she wants to beat this, but its apparent that its not totally true. …. She’s a really sweet girl, talented opera singer.

Anyone thats been through this or close to someone who has, any ideas/advice would be greatly appreciated!

She’s had a feeding tube inserted into her, electroshock therapy as well … all to no availe

Any insight would be greatly appreciated

Damo

Damo, there is a Gnostic retreat in Australia coming up in February or March.

Personally I was just at the Maine retreat in August. I am telling you that it is out of this world, it is fantastic. This could be a chance for her to get in touch with herself, to really get a solid chance to learn how to meditate and work on these problems she is having.

The food is fantastic – we only ate real food during the Maine retreat. Very nutritious. The people were so friendly, it is such a sacred and healing environment.

I would recommend that she attends the conference, or the retreat. I can vouch that it cleared my head, it made me reflect on myself and my own problems.

That’s what it takes. She has to sit down, learn how to relax, and close her eyes and get to the route of her problems herself. She obviously has terrible problems with vanity – how she appears. And gluttony as well – in a bizarre way. So vanity and gluttony combine to cause her a lot of problems. They specifically teach you how to work on your egos during these retreats, and some of the best instructors in North America can offer her personal and face to face recommendations on how to best deal with her situation.

This is honestly the best advice I have to offer you and it comes from my heart. Best of luck in your situation.

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I’m 23 I just got my two year degree (it was a challenge for me I have a learning disability) I’m not retarted or anything but have some focusing/process issues. Anyway I just got the degree and need to make a decesssion that I can’t seem to make. I’m from jersey and moved to fl with my family. I HATE FL. I do like how people drive big trucks and I like the southern type of girl who likes animals etc. Anyway while living in Florida I had a huge drug problem from the time I was 21. I just stopped a month and a half ago.

So I want to get into sales or figure out a way to start a company. I just can’t decide what to do. Should I go to the Nyc area, somewhere else, or stay around my home in fl? I guess I’m scared to move. My parents offered to pay 2 months of my rent if I do move until I get on my feet. What should i do? how do I make the decession?
I think you need to apply for jobs in sales and decide where you live depending on who/where will employ you.

Starting your own business is a fine goal but not usually one that is accomplished overnight. Unless you’ve done far more research into the matter than you’re letting on; I’d say work towards your own business while you are employed somewhere stable and support yourself.

Moving sounds like a good idea if you are currently surrounded by bad influences (drugs). Just be smart about it, and don’t go halfway across he country without a job offer or place to stay.

I have an apartment for two months before I need to kick up rent. I like NYC and it shouldn’t be that hard to get some job to pay the bills there. I’m still confused.
If you just stopped using dope a month and a half ago and you are only 23 years old, it would be very wise for you to stay at home with your parents. You need their support to stay off that crap because it will ruin your life.

Get a job close to home, save up every cent, don’t buy fast food or big TV’s, pay no rent. In a couple of years you will have 40,50k dollars. Then a lot of options are open to you.
Starting a business requires planning years in advance. If you have trouble focusing and processing information, you should consider a job that doesn’t require much planning from you, to say nothing of running a business.

It’s nice to think we can all do anything we set our minds to, but reality doesn’t work that way. I have this dream where I can fly just by willing myself into the air, and in 28 years I’ve totally failed to get it to work in real life. It’s okay though, because I have a car to help me get places quickly.

I don’t usually agree with Spiritus but he’s got a good point here. I did this very thing and in four years I had enough money saved to buy a rental property. Admittedly that wasn’t such a great move in the near term, but it still proves the point that you can save a ton of money if you don’t have to pay rent.
MY only concern with staying close to home when you are trying to stay clean is running into people that may still be involved with drugs. I don’t do anything crazy but I know if I wanted to quit completely I would have to make all new friends, hang out at different places, etc. I feel like if I moved somewhere new where I didn’t know where to get stuff it would be a lot easier and less tempting to start up old habits. Granted, I’ve never had any interest in staying clean so I can’t really say from first hand experience that this has worked for me.
What kind of drugs are we talking about now? Uppers, downers?… (I assume it’s one or the other, highly doubt you’re making such a fuss’ over pot or psychedelics.)

Anyway, what makes you think jumping ship to another state is going to solve your problems? Almost sounds to me like you’re running from something (which won’t work). Why not return to New Jersey if you liked it there so much? NYC is expensive, and it’s not as easy to find a job as you might think. Our unemployment is at like 10% or some shit. You talk about your 2yr degree, like it’s a 4yr one (no offense, I don’t have either). And as far as creating your own business/company goes…. You have a lot of reading up to do, it’s not something that occurs overnight, it takes a lot of time and money, a business plan, research, you really have to know what you’re dealing with to succeed on your own like that.

I vote you stay on FL, find a good job, live at home for a while, stay productive, meet new friends.. and save money. Make the best of it for now. Get your shit together, and go from there.

Best of luck.

Amze, why would you say that he wouldn’t make a fuss over pot? When I did drugs I loved to get high and had an infinite supply of benzos and I loved dope. It would be no big deal to pop a car window in order to take some crap and sell it for a bag of weed. Drugs and crime are intimately interlinked. Not everyone will commit crime for weed, but others simply don’t give a crap and certainly will. Much fuss is made over weed and most pot smokers build their whole lives around it.

I am struggling with the idea of doing this. I am in university and college, two separate programs. One is an electrical program and the other a 4 year university program. I’m highly considering just finishing up my electrical apprenticeship then working for 4-5 years in that trade. Once in a while you go back for a couple of weeks to upgrade your training. So I would be advancing through the ranks of electrical and building myself a career while saving up every cent and living at home for free. I’ll be out of home by the time I’m 30 with my own house. I think this beats spending another 4 years in university as a broke student, and I can always go back (I want to).
As far as I can tell, unless you get married and your spouse has a job, you’ll have to go back to being a broke student when you go back to college no matter how much time you spend saving money. Also, spending your savings to sustain a lifestyle you can’t afford on a student’s part-time paycheck is its own brand of suckfulness, since you’re watching the money you saved go down the drain for several years straight. In some ways it’s easier to continue being a broke student than to take a break, make lots of money, and then have to revert back to being a broke student. I have two friends who fully intended to get PhDs, but since they had to take breaks to earn their own tuition money, one bailed after their Masters and the other bailed after their Bachelors. They said it was too hard to give up making money hand over fist and have to put up with academic BS all over again.

On the other hand, I have another friend who’s been in college for 15 years now, getting one degree after another, and she says she dreams of earning a decent paycheck sometime before she reaches middle age. So I guess it’s kind of a toss-up as to whether you get all your book-learnin’ done at once or in segments.
You will find the same people in nyc if that is what you want/hang out with.
The thing is I hate fl with the heat. I love north jersey. Seems like more jobs there as well. Family isnt that great support just money fyi

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The funeral service was very touching and the burial was even more touching. The 21 gun salute, the missing man formation of the helicopter fly over and then the last call from dispatch was heart wrenching.

This whole thing has hit me so hard. At the age of 28, you feel that you’re invincible and that you have nothing to worry about health wise. I just can’t believe someone so young lost his life so quickly. When I heard the news that he died, the first thing I thought was in the line of duty. I never thought it would be from this.

His parents, as expected, were devastated. I really was hit hard when I saw his 90 year old grandmother in tears, just tore me up.

Cherish life, cherish those in your life .. one day we will all be gone and all that will be left is a memory of us. I’ve been so incredibly destroyed over this and I barely knew him. I know time will heal but it truly has been an eye opener. Thanks for listening..
Nothing like losing someone young to make you realize how short life is
My condolences to their family, it’s so tragic when a young person dies due to health issues.

How true that is. I am still just in shock over all of this. I know life goes on, but it’s just so difficult.

It’s very tragic indeed. This family is just destroyed but I know they realize they must go on. My heart hurts for them.

When I was 10, my next door neighbor’s daughter, and our baby sitter, was killed by a drunk driver in her very early 20s. Even though I was young, attending the funeral and memorial service helped… but it’s the kind of thing that is never going to be "okay." You just have to chin-up, take it as an opportunity to count the blessing in your life, and cope as best you can until it starts getting a little easier.
I’m sorry for your loss, but it really says something about your personality/character that the loss of an acquaintance has hit you so hard. I’m only* 24 and yet I have become extremely aware of how fragile my life is and how fast I’m aging. Most of the people on TV that everyone seems to care about are my age or younger. High schoolers look like little kids to me.

Just take some time to digest everything that is going through your brain right now and never waste a day of your life.

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I have experiencing using drugs to avoid life, I smoked plenty of marijuana in my day.

Many people hear that advice then they look at their watch, give an excuse and walk away. That’s their prerogative.

So when you decide to save yourself money and quit the dope, then you could finally have a hope of facing the crude and sober reality of life. You will have something to work with.

Really, all these numbers are meaningless to a person who starts to become deeply in tune with themselves. At that point, it’s just a matter of willpower. With willpower, you can overcome any obstacles.

The problem is not that you don’t know how to solve this. Obviously the solution is evident – a lot of work, a great deal of self sacrifice and work on the relationship to fix things.

Right? You know that this and that needs to be paid. That’s not the problem. The problem is that you are identified with your life being complete crap right now, you are taking it personally. Therefore you start to self medicate, spend all this cash on drugs when it could be going towards something better. Probably there are some foolish purchases besides that, no?

So let’s reintegrate here.

1) You have to quit dope. If you’re not sober then you’re not in touch with all the feelings, thoughts and emotions that the situation really brings to you. Get in touch with the crude reality, yes you will have a lot of stress from quitting so be sure to find the patience somewhere not to snap and become angry, because that will make things worse.

2) Stop identifying with the situation. You will live out the role of "suffering household member in terrible economic situation #1,453,654,754 if you cannot step out of that role for a moment. Listen, you are not that. You are beyond that. Put your finger on that spot between your eyes. THAT is closer to where you are, or what you are. THAT spot is close to where you think, no? So work from there. Don’t identify with your bills, your family, etc. You are not them. You are different from that, and you can initiate a lot of personal change from there. You can transform overnight.

3) Never get angry. Patience is the solution to anger. Doubt, fear, shame and frustration cause anger. They totally destroy your image. THIS IS IMPERATIVE IN YOUR SITUATION.

4) Work, work, work! Through willpower, to better your situation. Desire is the opposite of willpower. Do not desire anything, just will yourself to accomplish things. Expect nothing!

5) You will not succeed in any of this unless you also learn how to relax. This is why you smoked cannabis, in order to relax. Well time to learn this ability in a sober state.

I don’t know if this advice helps you but I don’t see how you’re going to solve the situation any other way. My drug use ruined my relationship, brought me some economic turmoil, life was just passing me by. Why make a problem of that? Just stop, you don’t need it. You will be happy without it.
I think im doing good and getting on track then some shit derails me. I miss my life. My gf struggles so hard to pay bills and keep up. I dont have any secret account with money, im not profiting off her. Its touch and go every day trying to get by. ANd the WORST WORST part is my gf loves/ed me unconditionally, and i dont feel as i can return it. so i just continue to sabotage our relationship. im such a loser.
Another thing you have to ask yourself is: is all of this really making you happy?

Obviously a house, and all these big things, were beyond your capability to afford them because you are now in debt. Now you are paying because of that. Don’t you think that is an important lesson in how you are living your life?

You should earn everything you have, and more importantly you should think hard on if what you are working towards is making you happy.

You also have to thing of who is depending on you and their feelings. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your happiness to benefit those who rely on you. However, it ends up making you pleased to see them well off, and maybe even happy.

I don’t know if this is helping you, I’m trying. I really am.
Your so right, I have tried so hard, I suffer from anxiety attacks. I used to have a ‘script to Ativant when I had insurance. But since the ins is gone so was my meds. Thus the pot, And it doesnt help that my gf is a user as well, she refuses to quit…weve fought over it long and hard. Ive been clean for month or so cause I felt very much that it was holding me back and I hated being in the shadows or society. So in my taking a step forward it put a dent in our relationship.
Thank you, I really appreciate an outside view. I mean it. You dont know me, nor I you. It does help atleast a little.
I regret saving the house I put 18k down to save it..Fuck I shoulda just let it go. I just didnt want my kids to be displaced. I just did it for them. I hated having to move and losing my room when my parents got divorced. So I tried to do better for them.
I used like 3 grams marijuana per day, 1-4 MG of Ativan, or Klonopin per day.

I came from where you are and won.

Just fight! fight fight! To get off that crap man.

Ativan, weed, any pills. All garbage!

Yes you will have your bad days where you will fall back into old temptations but one day you will be clean and have succeeded.

You have to learn how to rely on yourself to fall back on.

Drugs cost a lot of money to put you in a haze and unable to properly deal with the situation!

You need to be able to see soberly and think clearly in order to master your own life. That’s what you want, no? Mastery…

It takes a lot of hard work friend! And you must fill in every spot that was filled with defect with perfection. Because we are all riddled with defects.

Realize that you are wasting a lot of energy. If you want to learn how to conquer your life then you really need to get on top of energy management. The place where we waste the most energy is worrying about ourselves. Read this with a mind free from preconceptions:

I should just call the bank and tell them I cant do it anymore… especially since she wants move out now.
Adn that another thing, I just read the first few paragraphs. I believe in KArma. Im VERY giving and self sacrificing. There nothing I wouldnt do for family or friend in need.To the point of damn near killing(figuratively) myself at times..I will keep reading.
Best of luck. That entire physical copy of the book costs 12 dollars, oftentimes around the cost of a single gram of marijuana. Or you can read it online – for free. Whatever you do – do something different. If you continue on as you do then your tomorrow will never be different. We can change our karma – karma is negotiable. You just have to learn how.
Thank you. Im beat emotionally and feeling it physically. Your insight and observations are taken to heart. I dont drink or do any heavy drugs. or any other really, I will regain my willpower.
I suppose Ill just have let it all play out. I am just so tired of feeling down constantly. The worst is watching my castle made of sand be washed out by the tide. I feel better just having someone listen without judgement.
Part of it is letting go, another part is taking hold of your own life because the next chapter is up to you.
Its always darkest before the dawn I guess. I have to try’n sleep or ill be complete wreck , my kids will never get to school in the morn. if i dont.
I would really like to chat again. Is that weird? I dunno. maybe on a different subject. I just needed a shoulder to cry on.
Have you told your girlfriend about all this shit, or are you letting it out here because you’re trying to shield her from it? She’s your girlfriend, she ought to be more informed than anyone else on earth about what’s going through your mind.
I did try and shield her for awhile early on, then I couldn’t take it and spilled it all. She listens. I’ve talked with her tons. Its hard, I don’t like bringing her down. so most times i’m silent.
It’s her job to decide how much of your problems she’s willing to put up with, not you. You’re doing nobody any favors by lying to her about how much help you need.
Very true, I realize that now with a clear head. Hind sight is always 20/20. I would like find away to salvage our relationship. I fear it is too late.
Fear is useless. Courage is the only thing worthwhile.

Keep your chin up.

Fear isn’t useless as long as you know what you’re afraid of and why. Terror is useless.
get off the pot.

tell her you’re an idiot, you’re not good with finances, and you screwed up, and that you’re sorry. ask her what you can do to make it up to her. that’s all you can do really.

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