my friends and i have tried to help him out by finding him a job that he eventually quits in a few months, we’ve encouraged him to look for a job and all that but it’s just excuse after excuse.

he’s got a college education from UCSD so he’s not a dumb guy, he’s really good with computers as a hobby but says he doesn’t want to be in that field and wants to find a job in finance.

he also has self confidence issues which, i think, is the main reason he hasn’t been looking, in that he’s scared of rejection.

i just don’t know how to help him without stepping over the line.

any advice on handling this situation and helping my friend become motivated would be helpful. thanks.

you won’t be able to help him until he wants the help.

You can try all you want, but if he’s not motivated to keep a job, you finding him won’t matter.

this is what i’m afraid of. i agree with you 100% about this, and actually the asylum is kind of a desperate measure in hopefully shedding some new ways to approach the situation.

it’s just terrible to see a friend whittle away into nothingness.

See if he will go for a mental health screening. It’s possible his attitude is due to mental illness.

If he clears that, then there’s basically nothing you can do for him. You’re not his mother and nagging him will only strengthen his resolve to stay were he is. He has the right to be unmotivated & useless. At the same time, you & his other friends should not be enabling him with money or special favors, either.

This doesn’t mean stop being his friend. It means be his friend within the limits he himself has set. For example, if you go out, do not pick up his bar tab, or any other tab. Do not put up with any his whining about how boring his life is. Do not "find him a job".

I know it sucks to watch a buddy wallow in his own laziness (I’m going through the same thing with one of my pals). Some train wrecks just can’t be stopped.

thanks i’ll see if ihe’s open to it

Tough sitaution. I got a friend in a similar situation, except minus the college degree… plus an alcohol addiction.

Kid had a 4.0 in highschool, and a job since 16… now he’s 22 with the exact opposite, drop out living at home, no job. Drinks, a lot.

Smart smart kid, can do anything mechanically or mathmatically. It’s tough to watch someone with potential fall to pieces.. But it’s also tough to help them ACTUALLY change. Excuses, denial… all typical side effects. You’ll just have to wait til’ he bottoms out and makes a realization. :

Related posts:

1. HELP! MY FRIEND IS TRIPPING OUT HARDCORE CUZ OF HIS GF basically his gf is his life and they been together...
2. problem teenager advice My cousin is in his senior year in high school,...
3. Need some advice re: turbulent friendship Evening all. First time posting in here but have been...

I’m attractive, in college, confident, intellectual, and well spoken. I feel like I can be the life of the party if I can just open up.

I fear that I lack empathy, or the ability to feel for the other, to tie my feelings to the person in front of me. I get bored with people. I dissociate. I space out. I don’t want to waste my breath because they won’t understand or they may criticize my ideas.

It’s hard to feel excitement. It’s hard to be silly.
If I could buy some mania I would.

Does anyone relate? Am I stuck like this?

There is no easy solution to this. Change, if any, comes slow. It is painfully fought for. Real change only comes when you cry tears of blood. Therefore, a lot of people fake change. They act happy when they are not, laugh at jokes they don’t find funny (even when the joke is funny).

At least you recognize that you are broken.

Unfortunately for you, your mother was cold. My father was similar to your father albeit not suicidal, yet my mother was as warm as the sun. That being said, having negative parents can be a blessing in disguise, however it is a lot more work. A lot of psychological, mental and emotional work.

It is infinitely important to continue going over your childhood in your mind. Through meditation. Relax. When napping, when you feel sleepy and relaxed then comb over all the events of your life within your mind. Preferably visualize without words, and look for small and delicate details from each scene.

You will notice things that you have not noticed before. Take into account their feelings, their pains, their thoughts, their desires. Examine the human condition in depth.

Do not identify, do not become fascinated. Examine with your most raw perception that is free from preconceptions, desires, notions.

You can turn lead into gold. From these bitter and painful memories you can free the warmth within those cold dead coals. It will change you as a person, for the better. However, it is painful, takes months and years and you have to be devoted to the practice. It does work – it’s just that few take the time to work on themselves these days.

Blessings…

Good words.

I used to see my father on Sundays when I was 8 years old. It wasn’t until I was 16 that I realized most of my memories of him were negative, that he tended to mentally/emotionally screw with me. Also took me a long time to remember him coming to our house, and my Mother and I would hide on the floor in the bedroom with shades down.

My Mom is a great Mom. She just does not how to give patient, warm, affectionate love because her parents were extremely cold and twisted too. Pregnant at 19.

Temperament is hard to change when it’s not even tied to conscious thoughts anymore… just some automatic disposition out of habit.

You’re right on the memories. I’ve heard of autobiographical therapy.

Thank you and good luck to you

Something I’ve run into recently. Dunno if it’s applicable to you but may be worth looking into considering the brief info you gave.

I can somewhat relate to what you’re experiencing. I’ve broken out of my shell more in the past 3yrs than anything. I used to be very cold, and even recall one girl in my highschool class telling me "You seem like you’re incapable of love" which I took offensively. I just found it hard to connect with anybody in an ‘emotional’ way for most my childhood/teen life. I always wanted to feel, love. But it didn’t make much sense to me, I suppose I was selfish and to wrapped up in my own insecurities and self though… among other things, mostly an obsession with videogames during early highschool haha.

I come from a pretty solid household, it’s had its shit-storms… moving during highschool, divorce, family dog dying.. all within 1-2yrs. Probably the worst two years of my life really, cosntant screaming and fighting, verbal abuse, crying. I just drowned myself in WoW 12+ hrs a day depressed but was the type fo kid who wouldn’t admit it, and certainly didn’t wanna fucking talk about it. But time keeps moving, things change and get better. Rough patches are expected. They’re a part of life. Got to experience good/bad to grow.

It might be strange to say, but drugs were the mania I was always seeking. Not destructive drugs, but psychedelics. Really opened me up. I’ve learned so much, seen so much, experienced so much. (not solely from drugs, but they were sort of the root to my tree of life) I’ve just personally matured, and love life, it’s beautiful and rare. I look forward to what it has in store for me. Not at all suggesting that will work for somebody else, but it did for me..

No related posts.

I met her a year ago, and we got along really well. After a while, I started to fall for her, but I never told her. After two months, I went to Japan for 4 days because I won an international contest. I get home, and two weeks later, she gets together with one of my friends.

"It’s just fair." I think to myself and I get over her after a month or two.

We get close and she becomes a best friend. A year later, he breaks up with her and she’s a mess. I wasn’t there for her because I had to cope with my own problems over the summer, so she turns to this other guy who is also a good friend. He helps her through it when I’m not able to.

School starts and we start getting along again. At August, I fall for her again. I tell her in September and she’s weirded out, but she says that she’ll try to understand. After a while, I see that it’s not going anywhere, and I end it.

We’re friends again, but sort of distant because of the courting. The friend who I mentioned earlier, who helped her during summer, gets into a fight with her and she hangs out with me more than anyone else. It’s the most that we hang out in the entire span of me knowing her.

She reconciles with her best friend, and I feel like I’m left in a ditch– it all turns out to be all in my head. After a while, we start getting close, but I feel like I’ve been friend-zoned after I courted her. I can’t flirt, I can’t try to be cute because it weirds her out.

I really like this girl. She’s really great, and I really want to be with her. My friend treated her like shit and I know that I’ll treat her better.

Does anyone have any advice that can get me out of the friend-zone? I really need it. I’m not kidding, this girl, she’s not the regular, run-of-the-mill Barbie doll that you meet in a bar or something, she’s… just really amazing.

Please, can anyone help me? Don’t say that there isn’t hope, because there’s always a way.

Quit deluding yourself.

There is NOT always a way. She told you the first time you courted her that she only sees you as a friend.

Best thing you can do is wean your contact with her so you can get the space you need to get over her.

You’re wasting your time.

Listen to me.

You’re wasting your time.

She’s not the end-all-be-all of girls, there isn’t always a way, and your first mistake was telling her how you feel and not showing her.

I’ve been reading some of METALLlC BLUE’s responses lately and he’s got some great advice.

And there lies the primal truth. If she didn’t feel an attraction when y’all first got to know each other, then she’s already made up her mind about you. You’re a friend. Accept that and move on. Distance yourself b/c a lot of your friendship and closeness is probably due to you crushing on her and not based on something more substantial. The longer you stay in that sort of a friendship, the more you’ll feel let down when you eventually realize for yourself that she’s just not into you like that. Save yourself that trouble, it isn’t worth it.

This thread is won already.

Think of it like this – This is one woman. Out of billions. She is not a friend. She is a potential lover. She is a potential lover that never will have sex with you. The sacrifice here does not outweigh the benefit.

I 100% believe that this is going to be one of the most painful things in your life to do. BREAK OFF CONTACT, and NEVER TALK TO HER AGAIN.

You are so tied to her because that little waft of vagina is always in the air when she is around. You think you "love" her. You droll all over her. You see her as perfect. She is milking you emotionally dry and using that to empower herself and become a stronger person while leaving you out in the cold, becoming a nobody.

DTB

Tough luck.

Best friend dating turns out really awkward.

I really don’t know how life does that, but theres always the girl you like and you try to get with her so you become immensely close.
Then you realize you’re too close to date her, and if you try to make a move like that it turns out awkward.

It’s just something that happens, and the only hope you have is if she develops a liking for you.

But thas a real low chance

But keep in mind, don’t fuck up ur relationship with her just because you can’t get her.
Then she’ll forever think your a shallow asshole who jus wanted in on her pants.

he gives some solid advice in a lot of these threads.

pretty much what MB said. ninja needs to be a therapist.

Unfortunately, you can’t make anyone fall for you. If she already laid down the line (she only sees you as a friend), I would strongly suggest you move on and discontinue holding on to false hope. If you have to, stop seeing her for a while; after all, seeing her is probably only making matters worse for you, feeling-wise.

Do you want to take a risk (relationship) which has a 89% chance of failiure or do you want to keep a friendship which has a 95% success rate.

Unfortunately my friend, you’re done. She’s already given you her answer and you’re not about to change her mind-especially if you are trying to.

I suggest you read my thread entitled, My: A Man’s Guide for Successful Dating. It will detail all about situations like this.

You see, you tried to win her by being the ultimate giving friend. This does nothing but put you in the friendzone and kill any chance for romantic interest. You didn’t put this on a relationship path, you hid your crush behind a false front of "just friends" when you secretly wanted more. While doing this, you became the male girlfriend; a shoulder to cry on, a therapist, etc. That’s what her girlfriends are for and this does nothing to build romantic chemistry. You basically became a tool she used when she needed one, and like a good puppy dog, you were there for her to use.

While this is a good way to become friends, it does nothing to generate romantic value. In order for a woman to be attracted to you romantically, you need to have VALUE. Value is displayed in the form of a Strong Character, Self Confidence, and Self Respect. A person who has those attributes in a healthy abundance is not going to sneak in quietly as "friends" when he wants more. He will instead openly pursue this kind of relationship when he wants it. In addition, this guy isn’t going to be offering his free attention because he Value’s himself. He has his own life and own goals. So while he may listen or offer advice from time to time, he’s not going to offer himself completely when he is getting nothing in return. It is unfair to him to offer services he would normally give to a girlfriend or wife to someone who isn’t those things. You offered this girl everything in order to be liked romantically and she did nothing romantic back in return. How is this fair to you?

In this world, the best things come as a reward for hard work and effort. This girl didn’t have to earn your attentions and affections, you readily gave it to her. If this was so easily achieved for her, there isn’t as much value to it, especially if you were offering it while she’s with other men. You’re showing a willingness to offer all of this regardless of what position this puts you in and this shows that you have Low Value and Low Self Respect. You’re putting her in front of you, up on a pedestal. No girl is going to be able to generate or maintain an attraction to a guy who puts her on a pedestal because he is telling her through his actions that she is of greater value than himself. He isn’t her equal. In order to have her respect you must be her equal or her superior. Otherwise, she will see you as beneath her and as she could do better… so she will when she sees a guy who presents himself as her equal or superior. That guy according to her will be a "catch".

Now if you didn’t give all of your attention for free, and she had to work to earn you, then this gives you a greater value. She wouldn’t so easily discard what you have to offer as it took effort and trial to gain it. This also shows that you respect yourself and don’t give yourself freely. This shows that you are a person of value, her equal. This is more attractive.

How do you reverse this? Bro, you can’t, not in the situation you are in because by the very effort of you "trying" you’re still making her the prize. If she is the prize as well as the reward then she is still being sent signals that she is better than you. This is the same type of stuff that got you here in the first place.

Your best bet is to move on and give yourself more Value. Go meet other women. Go on dates. Have other options. Don’t make yourself a kleenax for women to use whenever they need you. You have your own life and the only thing you should be putting on a pedestal is yourself. No one is going to look out for you if you aren’t. So to get your goals you have to put them as a priority.

To read more check out that thread I mentioned.

Well put. You’re in the friend zone.. I’ve been in your shoes before, and yes- it sucks. I’d like to give you some options, but your only real one here is to break off all communication. It’s hard (I know from experience), but it can be done. Good luck.

this thread is almost 4 years old, why bump it now?

that ^

if I knew how to teach you to get this particular woman, i would be a billionaire

how did someone even find this thread after 4 years?

Related posts:

1. I think my bestfriend isn’t my bestfriend anymore. It Sucks Ive actually came to realize though that my best friend...
2. Need some advice Well, Im 20 Years old, right now, when i was...
3. New Girl, We’re kinda in Love, But She Might NOT Feel the Same. v. Hints, Help! I’ve been going out with this girl from work for...

Was over her place the other night and she starts talking about how she never ends up dating the right guy and how she wants X type of guy. Im sitting here thinking to myself, thats me, Im that type of guy.

Conversation progresses and I get it out her that she wouldnt date me cause she considers me a good friend now. After that I tell her that I did want to ask her out eventually. Of course she gives me the "aww, im sorry" line yadda yadda

Anyways, it seems like she’s contradicting herself sayings she wants a certain guy, but when that guy comes along (me) she throws them in the friend category and wont date them because of the friendship. Any way I can get around this and convince her to let me take her out? Or should I just accept it and hold on to what looks to be a good friendship?

… some people are just dense. They want X type of guy but end up going with Y type because Y type just looks cooler and treats them like shit.

Anyway– tell her that if she wants X type of guy and you are it, then ask her to put a little faith in you. Persuade her with something such as "If you let me take you out for blah, and you don’t enjoy yourself, we can stay friends." Or something similar to that. If you’re brave enough, you should maybe mention the idea of going out for a month or two and at the end of the month (or two), if she didn’t enjoy being with you, or vice versa, staying friends will be ok. No harm, no foul.

I’ve done that before–I mean the whole going out with a guy for a few months to see if it works out. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. But at the end we both understood and accepted and either went on in the relationship or just stayed friends.

I’ve done something similar to that.. my experience wasn’t as good, though. I always felt tempted, especially after being physical with the girl. You seem like you’re pretty into her while she seems more laxed about everything.

If you really think something magical can happen with her, then let her know. Next time you get into a "deep" talk with her about "the right guy", grab her hand, put it in yours, look at her and say "I want to be that guy.. let me make you happy. At least let me try."

See where it gets you.. girls love affection, and even though she might not show any "physical" interest, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have those feelings on the inside. It’s up to you to bring them out.

Just remember, when doing this, you’re taking a chance on losing a friendship.

you are leaving out a lot of details relating to the prior weeks when you met her. You waited too long to do something.

Ouch, friendzoned. Should’ve made a move earlier. Her comments about how she wants this kind of guy would have been the absolutely perfect time for you have cockily and jokingly said "well that’s me, lets go out." But it was too late. Live and learn.

PS-Don’t hang out with her so much, just being her "friend" is never going to make her see you in a different light. You have to exit her life for a while to hopefully make her wake up and see you.

Well, I def said that I was that guy when she mentioned it the other night. I didnt wait on that.

Yea, Im def. going to bring it up. We’ll see what happens next time I see her…

seems like you allowed yourself to get friendzoned. If you knew you wanted to ask her out and you’ve been feeling her for quite some time, you should have asked her out a while ago.

Like someone said before, stop hanging out with her for a while; distance yourself. Then go back and pursue. Maybe she needs to realize that you are the guy she is looking for. and she probably won’t see it til you’re "gone"

Ok so maybe I made it seem like Ive known her longer than I have, its really only been 2ish weeks, but oh well.

oh

Yea, maybe that changes things? Who knows..

well the only thing that changes is that you have a slightly better chance of getting out of the friendzone b/c there’s not so much history b/w y’all as "just friends."

the whole distancing plan is a double edged sword IMO. seeing as how you’ve only known her for a short time, if you start ignoring her more now, she might just stop caring and move on to other things/people. then again, it’s better to change her perception of you sooner than later or else you’re stuck forever.

generally, if there’s not instant mutual attraction, you’ll be stuck in the friendzone and that’s only exacerbated by sticking around as "just a friend." live and learn and move on, but if you want a chance w/ her, i say definitely stop being as attending and start distancing a little but know that you’re probably not getting far

She is telling you that she is not physically attracted to you. That whole not wanting to date you because youre her friend is just a nice way of saying she is not attracted to you. You may be what she wants personality wise but if she does not feel that attraction to you then you’ll never be anything more than a friend.

F that, Id rather her just say Im not her type.

Then ask her, "So am I just not your type?" It’s a fair enough question and I think you’d get an honest response. If she gives you a firm, "Yea, you’re just not really my type" then there’s your answer. If she says "you kind of are, but blah blah blah" then you can kind of see what she’s looking for and maybe convince her that you are actually capable of those things. You don’t really have much to lose at this point

[QUOTE=registeredPORK;87058458Anyway-- tell her that if she wants X type of guy and you are it, then ask her to put a little faith in you. Persuade her with something such as "If you let me take you out for blah, and you don't enjoy yourself, we can stay friends." Or something similar to that. If you're brave enough, you should maybe mention the idea of going out for a month or two and at the end of the month (or two), if she didn't enjoy being with you, or vice versa, staying friends will be ok. No harm, no foul.

[/QUOTE]

No amount of "faith" will change her mind on this.

Don’t give him false hope.

nevAr!!!

Next time I see her, Im gonna see if I can get her to realize I am what she want, see what happens.

If she doesnt go for it, then Ill just leave it at that.

get a solid answer and then move on. there are plenty of chicks out there

We’ll be here for you tomorrow when this fails.

Sorry I have determination. I have vague answers.

Then why does she want to date the type of guy that I feel describes who I am, but doesnt want to date me?

I’m a woman and even I can answer this….A lot of times women will claim they want a certain kind of guy…yet they never go for him. It’s an unfortunate thing and this is why shy nice guys usually get screwed over. Because a girl can say over and over until the end of time that she wants a nice guy, but usually she’ll just go for the guy she’s attracted to that makes a move and she just hopes he’s a nice guy. I have to agree with Midgetized from earlier, I hate to say it but she just might not be attracted to you in that way. It’s really not the end of the world though. You can either keep trying to prove to her you are a good bf candidate or do what I said-which is stop hanging out with her and talking to her. She views you as a friend as of right now, and the best way to make her go "hey, wait, where did he go!?" is to ignore her.

Care to explain how this ignore technique works?

Pretty simple, it works all the time. Women love validation, especially the kind that keeps certain guys around just as "friends." All of a sudden stop calling/texting her or answering if she seeks you out. Usually girls will panic. If she panics that is a good sign, if she does not…well then you have your answer to how she really feels. In the meantime, while you are ignoring you get out there and try to meet other women. Because women can sense when you aren’t interested in them a lot of times and usually they then try to get you.

Hmm, may have to give this a shot.

It doesn’t matter what she says, she told you no and that’s the only thing you need to hear. She may not even know the exact reason she isn’t interested in you, you don’t choose who you are attracted to.

I’ll never figure out why guys think it’s a good idea to do something like this. SHE ALREADY TOLD YOU SHE’S NOT INTERESTED! You can’t make a woman interested in you and doing something pathetic like that will only make her want you less. If this is how you typically act with women though then I’m starting to see why she’s not interested. Women want a man, not a little boy who follows them around begging for her to like him.

Even if she panics though it still doesn’t mean she’s interested. She may just miss the attention he gives her but not actually miss him.

I’m just trying to get him to try it because I hate to think of the situation where she doesn’t like him and tells him yet he keeps calling her all the time, etc.

Yea, Im not gonna turn into a stalker or anything.

Yes, I’d say you’re friendzoned.

First off, it sounds like you took too long to ask her out on a date.

Secondly, it sounds like you put yourself into "just friend" position rather than the "I’m the fun guy you want to date" position because here you were sitting at her house and listening to her talk about her Dating Situation. That’s the therapist role and that role is a friendzoned role. Her talking to you about this is a big signal you’re in the zone.

Thirdly, your response of "I was gonna ask you out eventually" is very weak. It signals to her that you like her and have liked her yet never had the confidence to do anything about it, that you snuck in as "friends" despite having feelings, etc. This sends out signals of low value which is unattractive to see in a male mate.

Forthly, her response of "Awwww" as in "That’s sweet" is showing that she views you as the harmless sweet little boy, not grown up man. Could you imagine James Bond telling some girl that he wanted to ask her out and her going "Awwww" to him? No way.

Move on. Don’t try with this one anymore. Stick a fork in it. Next time, get on the ball quicker and don’t sneak in as "friends first". It’s perfectly okay to ask a girl for her number the first night you meet her. It’s then okay to call her up and ask her out on a date during your first call. Get on the ball bro.

if she already says she’s not interested, i don’t know why guys continue to pursue. she said it for a reason. if you want a specific answer, then ask her. if not, then move on.

why would anyone want to pursue anyone who already said they aren’t interested?

this is hypothetical and is not directly for the original poster

Don’t do this. Please, spare yourself the embarrassment. Retain some dignity.

You can’t make a girl "realize what she wants". If she doesn’t want you then she doesn’t want you. That’s that. If you have to "make her" then she clearly didn’t want you and you’re trying to force the subject. Besides, what type of guy continues to try to make a girl like him when she pretty much said she doesn’t? Where is the self respect of saying, "Well if she can’t see that I am a great guy then her loss" BOOM-move on. Why beat a dead horse? Move on.

You can’t.

iwishyouwerebeer made a great point. Women love feeling validated. Which is why so many women like to be friends and hang out with guys whom either think she is attractive, or have a crush on her. That’s why you see so many guys on internet forums stuck in the friendzone with a girl they like. The girl kept him around, even flirted with him suggestively after already denying him. Why does she keep him in limbo? Because she likes the validation of having someone reassuring her, flattering her, fawning over her, etc.

Then take a look at Pick Up Artists like Erik Von Markowich (sp?) He preaches all about Validation in picking up and attracting women, only from a different angle. He talks about how in order for a guy to be seen as attractive to a girl he needs to be in a position where she is trying to validate herself to HIM. That’s the opposite of what the friendzone guys do. Those guys are validating her by sucking up.

The PUA guy suggests making her validate herself to him, and he will do this in several ways, one of which is called a "Neg Hit". A Neg Hit is kind of like a back handed compliment when you meet a new girl. "Hey did you know your nose wiggles when you talk?"-making her feel a little self conscious around him. "You’re really cute, too bad you’re a brunette though, I’ve always liked blondes!"-telling her you think she’s attractive yet disqualifing yourself from the hunt for her affection… causing her to try to get you back into the fold of fawning over her. "You’re really cute, but we’re too much alike so we’d never work out."-turn and talk to her friend… you said she’s attractive but disqualified yourself as a suitor again, and then added to that by turning to talk to her friend, causing her to seek validation from you some more.

You see, the guys who know how to present themselves in a way to make them appear more desirable do so in a manner that causes her to view him as unattainable or hard to get. This causes her to seek his approval, making him appear more attractive to her than the guys sucking up.
You, if you continue to pursue this girl, all you are doing is further validating her. You’re just telling her she’s got you if she wants you and that lowers your Social Value while raising hers. She won’t go for it, that’s not how you will build her attraction, but that is how you destroy it.

just so you know getting into the friendzone isn’t the end of the world.. it just makes the game a little harder. although the energy you put into defriending a friend is a long one.. and definitely dubs the term "long term seduction"

then the rest is up to you like growing a set and kiss closing her.. kiss closing a friend is ALWAYS taboo though.. since its a "I don’t wanna lose her" type thing. But you just gotta do it. If she’s your friend she’ll keep being your friend you guys just will be a little off kilter for a bit.

its not hard to get a women to see you as the type of guy she’d like to date/bang its all about perspective.. changeing your outlook, your image and the way you WERE completley will alter this girls perception of you.

where once you were like.. "i woulda totally asked you out" turns to a "your looking fuckin hot tonight" are two totally different guys.

also keep in mind a girl that LETS you touch her is a girl that has intrest in you. I don’t know one "friend" that woudl let me touch them in an intimitate way let alone letting me grab their breast or kiss their necks.

friendzone or not.. you can pull yourself out of it.

that’s not necessarily true…i mean a chick may want intimacy, or even a fuck, but that doesn’t mean she wants to date you

he can pull himself out of it, but then it begins to look a bit like desperation

no i disagree actually. If a girl has intrest in you. literally you can do no wrong. getting a friend into a lover is possible its hard..though and not sure if this dude can really pull it off.

Let me just say i have a friend now.. who CONSTANTLY ask me.. Does this look good? do i look good? omg touch here.. does this feel fat? i swear more validating questions than a serious girlfriend and she’s a friend.

i mention one thing about hoop earrings and she’s got them on the next fucking day. Talk about a MAJOR green light

how long have a i been working on this friend? well been friends with her for about 4 years.. banged her when we first met though had sorta a fling but all went downhill and been friends with her ever since.. now i want to see if i can pull her out of retirement.. been about 3 years since our lips even touched and layed a nice one on her neck last night. and you know what, its working.

tell me, am i desperate? nope just curious

and just a note i would only consider pulling a friend out of the friendzone if we’ve been friends for a while i’m talking a few years.. anything less is almost pointless

seems like a complete waste of time in my opinion. maybe it’s me, but being friends with someone for 4 years and it not being a relationship pretty much sends in a signal of friends for life.

and it seems like she’s super comfortable with you. i have guy friends that give me suggestions or i ask them certain things etc, but in no way am i attracted to them.

sure, you may be curious, but i just don’t see the point. you could probably already be in a relationship having a good time rather than wondering if this chick will ever "bang" you again.

chasing someone shouldn’t be a long, drawn out process imo.

i totally agree.. that’s the funny thing.

honestly this girl is mad cool and down to earth i love it. i wouldn’t have it any other way i’m just sorta confused between her and all the others. but it doesn’t stop me from dateing around. And if we happen to slip into something well that’s that. and before you go down the road of she’s not attracted to me.. she’s constantly calling me hot, sexy hell i get showered with compliments whenever i see her. At times she’ll even smell me and tell me how good i smell. The question if she’s attracted to me or not is.. well not a question even i know that.

personally this girl is closer to me than anybody i know and that’s how i like it there’s really only room for ONE close girlfriend i would think you could agree on that.

EDIT: i may be moveing out of state(job promotion) i told her, she flips out and says she’s selfish with me and doesn’t want me to go anywhere let alone fall in love with another girl that’s not her.. personally i think she’s an attention whore. But she’s my little attention whore.. she’s like my pittbull. Scary and violent when you want them to be (how she plays other men and laughs about it with me) but calm and peacefull little lap dogs if you treat them right. (cuddles against me) Yeah i know its fucked up that i view her as a posession now.. but at least i’m not all up on the oneitus (shudder)

This may be an easier thing to do in the beginning, when she doesn’t have a strong opinion of you. But after her opinion is formed, it becomes so much more difficult. After she’s developed a strong impression of a guy, any sudden change of personality is transparent. If she’s not a total tard, she’s going to suspect you’re trying to change her opinion of you. In order to increase your chances of success in this regard, you’re most likely going to need a lot of time away from her.

I’m sorry, I don’t think the chances of her going, "OMG… there’s Steve, he like totally wants me, but he’s such a cheeseball" to thinking, "OMG what a stud!" all because you change the way you talk to her. Not instantaneously. You’re going to be transparent. Besides, a guy whom lacks the skills to do it right the first time is hardly going to be able to go "Oops, I messed up… oh well, now I will be the super stud irresistable guy" and then pull it off like a Grammy Award Winning Actor. If the guy was that good, he would have done it initially. The chances of turning it around aren’t high. And in fact, you shouldn’t even be trying. You shoudl be moving on.

The TS is grabbing this girls breasts?

Not always, and most likely not the guys whom butchered it from the start, clueless on how to avoid it. A skilled PUA may be able to turn it around, but these guys are hardley that.

Besides, one of the biggest "friendzoning" traits is displaying Low Value. How is continuing to try for a girl that rejected you displaying the High Value you need to increase her Interest Level? It’s not. You’re just further validating her and making yourself look more foolish by continually pursuing a girl who made it clear she’s not interested.

Have guys pulled it off in the past? Yes. Not common, but yes. I don’t like to advice exceptions to the rule to guys whom are having trouble with ending up in the friendzone all the time. They instead need to be working on increasing their Social Skills and learning what not to do. They need to be broadening their field rather than zeroing in on just one girl. Advising these guys to continue a low success rate option and encouraging him to waste time on one girl rather than moving on and meeting other women is just not something I am prepared to do. I’d rather see him learn from his mistakes and meet new women with a new approach rather than trying to retry with a girl that said, "No thanks".

You think that is "friendzone?"

It’s not.

I always want to learn from a solid respectable source and you seem like you know what your talking about.. maybe my image of friendzone is skewed slightly. Tell me then.. to you what is friendzone seriously I’m not being condescending I just wanna know what you feel "friendzone" equates to and I want to compare what I think it is to what you say.

Friendzone is when a person has put themselves in a "Friends" position with someone yet also have lowered their Value to a point to where romantic attraction is near impossible to form.

I could probably word that better if I tried but let’s put some examples out there:

Not Friendzone
-Steve met Mary. Steve and Mary hang out with the same crowd. Steve goes about his own life doing his own things, as does Mary. Steve doesn’t dote on Mary and she doesn’t dote on him. They both call each other "friends" and they are, but neither is secretly pursuing the other romantically. Then one day he/she notices an attraction and and decide to go for it by making a move or dating.

Friendzone
-Bob met Sue. Bob thought Sue was amazing. Bob started talking to Sue and noticed his attraction for Sue growing. Bob continued to lower his Value by doing favors for Sue, being overly nice to Sue in order to impress her, being Sue’s shoudler to cry on, etc all over a period of time where they grew closer and closer.

In Situation 1, Steve and Mary had their own lives, did their own things, and pursued their own goals. They were friends, but they were both whole individuals and thus, when something happened they both still had a High Value and thus were attractive to each other as equals..

In Situation 2, Bob attached himself to Sue right away and began doing things for Sue or trying to be around Sue in order for her to like him. He may have been waiting for her to send him a sign she returned his interest,, he may have been waiting for fear of a rejection, or something else. The point is that Bob was making an effort to make Sue like him and by doing so he lowered his Value by basically putting her on a pedastle. She liked him as a friend because he did things for her and made her feel good about herself. Yet she wasn’t attracted to him because he "friendzoned himself" by killing the possible romantic attraction when he placed her above him by trying so hard to Validate himself to her.

Steve never tried Validating himself to Mary. Steve was a mature healthy male. Because of this, he still had his Value and could pursue "the next level" with his friend Mary.

Bob was trying to Validate himself to Sue from the start. He liked her and wanted her yet due to feelings of inexperience, insecurity, low confidence, etc he felt he needed to "prove himself"… to Validate himself to her. The very act of seeking Validation lowers your Value. It shows you have low Value when you need to be Validated. A strong healthy male has Value, he doesn’t seek it by trying to get people to like him through favors, sucking up, etc.

I would say that in your situation, you are more like Steve than Bob, whereas guys whom are friendzoned are more like Bob.

I think the difference is that guys whom are friendzoned tend to have their thoughts and time dominated by that girl. A guy who is friends with a girl but not friendzoned is going to have his throughts and time dominated by his life.

i agree with everything you said it makes sense. Its strange though while i don’t think about the men my friend is with there’s still a hint of jelousy in me when she does actually get with a guy. Although none of them are ever serious relationships and when we talk it NEVER gets brought up at all.

she’s the same with me, i will breifly mention that i met a new girl and jelousy will peak out in the form of subtle questions about well is she cool like me.. or hot like me. then after that i never bring it up again.

however with each other and the way others percive us when were together they say we’re a couple (or should be) and it just looks like we’re in love with each other. But we’ll laugh it off and say nah.. that’s my buddy

funny how at the end of my mind it seems like each other are two chicken shit to actually make something happen because we’re denying how we feel about each other. and it’ll break one day and one of us will tell the other.. i want you. I feel it.. like a gut feeling. But she’s got a lot of issues though.. certian issues like commitment problems and is defenitly a man abuser. She loves to play the field and get supplicating AFC men chaseing her scent. That i don’t agree with but its her life and i have mine.

How physical are you two wth each other normally?

Some people say the best thing in the LJBF situation is to say "Nah I have lots of friends, see you around." I would say it’s more ok to get an angry or negative response from a girl you want to bed than people think.

Exit her life for a few months. Then it is almost like starting from scratch, especially in this case where she hasn’t known you for long.

this is true. bad part is i may be moveing out of state or possibly to some local way out of the cleveland district because of a promotion i may recive in the next few months..

its not sitting with her well.. and not with me either. I told her though i’m not turning down something that will give me more money. And she’s cool with it. I told her i’d want her to come.. and she said she wanted to but the way we say it.. is in a backhanded comment so to speak.

i doubt she’ll be hurt by my move, or maybe she will. (she was always the type to be tough as nails to your face, but soft when you turned away) but i can’t help if she doesn’t come with that there will be a little something not there. as AFC as that sounded its the damn truth. Other girls just don’t peak my intrest like she does friends or otherwise. but enough about that

Really? Do you guys think this actually works? I’ve always broken off communication all together… I’ve never bothered to go back and take a second chance at it..

and another 4 year old thread bumped

This.

Being friends with girls you’re interested in =

Agreed, easy way out. Simple as that.

Next time, instead of sitting there thinking it, say "you just described me; we should date for a while and see where things go." Don’t wait for her to admit to whether she’d say yes or no, present her with an "opportunity" to say yes or no right then.

Also, keep in mind that what women say they want and what they really want are often very different. Men have this problem too, but they usually get over it faster because men are under constant biological pressure to find a good mate, whereas women only feel that pressure a few days a month. It usually takes women a lot longer to get to where they’ve really figured out what they want in a mate.

It’s not as contradictory as it seems. Sex isn’t a natural progression of affection for women the way it is for men. A woman can love someone to pieces and never once feel the desire to do the nasty with them. Assuming she actually knows what she wants in a man (which she probably doesn’t yet, but bear with me), that doesn’t mean she wants those qualities in a man she intends to have sex with. Women have sexual partners and platonic partners, whereas men only have sexual partners except in unusual circumstances.

It’s godawful frustrating, because a lot of guys (such as me) would be quite happy becoming friends with a woman and then progressing to a sexual relationship, but women unconsciously determine who they’re willing to have sex with in the first few minutes. Regardless of how a woman may feel about you in the future, that unconscious decision about whether she’s willing to have sex with you will probably never change, and it’s not worth the risk to hope for that possibility. It’s just one of those differences you have to learn to accept.

If you want to be considered for the role of a sexual boyfriend, make that clear from the get-go. That’s what flirting and sexual advances really accomplish, and that’s why it’s not actually degrading to treat women that way.

try getting physical with her in non sexual to see if she starts to feel chemistry, like give her a passionate hug, or try cuddling with her while you’re watching a movie.

Only if you ASK first. She already said no…four years ago.

No related posts.

I’ve been trying to talk to this one girl since April but stopped around July because it seemed like she didn’t really try. She told me she didn’t want to jump into a relationship because she got hurt the last time. I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t be good together anyways but for some reason I always feel the need to have someone in my mind.

I used to skateboard, play video games, and work on cars. But I’ve lost the drive. Every time I do something I would think about a girl. I know what has to be done right now. I’m 27 working part time with whatever pay, with a mom who is on unemployment, and a brother who is way more socially awkward(so far for the past 2-3 years he’s had at least one case a year for acute schizophrenia),I think I have ADD or some form of it, I have 20k+ in debt, and have about 4 more classes left in college(assuming i pass all my classes this semester). I know I need to focus on school but honestly I’ve never studied as much as I am in my life! I’ve never spent 6 hours at a coffee shop studying which I am proud of myself for. Right now i’m overwhelmed with work and school because I’m taking way more classes than I ever have and they’re not bullshit classes.

I do understand what I need to do, I do understand that it’s pointless for me to find someone right now because most girls want a guy who is done with school, especially at my age. But for some reason, my mind is always stuck on finding someone or thinking about ‘what ifs’ or over-analyzing interactions with them. I really don’t know what to do, i don’t even think medicine will help. What is bad is that I know I need to get a "good" job because I feel like my mom is relying on me. But at the same time if i have the money, i would want to move out because she bitches and over analyzes on things too much(yeah most likely got that from her). She also puts me and my brother down because she doesnt know any other way of parenting.

Life just feels crappy right now and I’ve probably pushed a few friends away because I keep talking about the same things

Death. You are going to die.

People live without thinking about death. They have their consciousness asleep.

They figure "there is nothing I can do about it, I might as well enjoy life".

They do not explore the mysteries of life and death at all.

This alone is a fact that should stimulate you to take enormous interest in the world around you

Even if its hard, hang out with your friends, get back into your old hobbies, or start some new ones, and stop thinking about pussy.

You’re more likely to get it when you’re not obsessing over it anyways.

Maybe some of it stems from the fact that if you’re focusing on a girl, you’re focusing less on the not so great issues that are going on in your life?

No related posts.

Started dating a girl just over a year ago. She was my first ever girlfriend back in gr.5 and my longest relationship till I was 21. From the start I knew there was issues. She was an addict. Coke for 14 years but when we started dating it was a mickey a day because I have no time for drugs in my life.

I definitely put he blinders on in the beginning but on day she went out and got blackout drunk and made a big mistake. It wasn’t totally a bad thing, she didn’t sleep with the guy, but it made her want to change her life. Next came Rehab, 3 months of torturous hell for both of us. Her having to discuss childhood issues and me having to whether the storm of withdrawl.

After she got out she moved in with me. It was harder than I thought it was going to be. Adjusting to sober life was hard on her which was hard on me. Fighting, yelling, screaming at me when I had done nothing wrong. This went on for 6 months until a month ago when I finally kicked her out. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t be told I was wrong when I wasn’t anymore.

Since we’ve broken up it’s been alot harder then I thought it would. I miss her severely. I have never gone through depression like this. Don’t worry, not crazy thoughts, just down. No motivation. Usually breakups aren’t fun but I can usually move on after 2 weeks seems to be the magic number. But this time, all I can think about was a the good times, how happy she made me before all the fighting began. She has an amazing heart. She wrote a song for me for Valentines day. She tried to find a star to name after me for our on year. She was planning on sending me and my buddy to go flying in WWII planes for xmas. I’ve never met a girl who cared as much as she did.

Last night I had to go to her place to pick up some stuff that was in some boxes of crap that went to her place. We ended up sitting there and chatting for a couple hours. We both feel the same way, that there is something special between us. But at the same time we’re both hesitant because things were so bad before.

I’ve never looked on the net for relationship advice before but I need people with unbiased opinions at this point. Any insight would be appreciated.

ibwalloftext
ibcliffs

It sounds like she needs to get herself together. Once that happens then maybe you two could try, but it sounds like she has a lot of stuff to get sorted out. I am not that old, but I can understand missing someone terribly. I think two people need to be able to just talk. Leave out all the bullshit and drama and just talk. When she cleans up and gets going I say try and go slow. Talk like you did and try to be happy with each other. She needs to listen too. Sounds like she shuts down and won’t listen when you guys got in arguments. I couldn’t imagine that, but if you honestly don’t see being able to be without her, what choice do you have?

I understand how hard it is to live with someone who can yell, scream, get upset… at what literally seems to be nothing. And most of the time, literally is nothing. So I feel for you on that front. It’s difficult, and it makes you unhappy. And I’m sure she claimed she’d change, and things would be different.. and then the cycle would repeat itself, and she’d apologize again.. no?

You’ve only been broken up for 1 month though. You have gone through a lot with this girl, and you were there for her, you took her in, you put a lot of effort into being a good man in her life. So obviously she meant/means a lot to you. But at one point, you decided you’ve literally had enough… I’m sure the thought had crossed your mind many times, maybe hundreds… while putting up with some of those rougher nights where she’d being immature and acting out. You can’t forget that, a zebra never changes their stripes. And the bottom line is with more severe issues like hers.. it could take years for her to fix herself (assuming she puts in the proper effort towards making that a reality) This was a long term relationship, that didn’t work out, it will take more than 2 weeks to get over it. I recently ended my first long term relationship, and it’s been a month, maybe more. And it sucks, and you’re naturally going to miss that person. But you got to do whats best for yourself. It will get easier, times heals. And eventually you’ll meet somebody else (hopefully) who is even a better fit for you, and doesn’t cause so much stress or tension in your life. If you want to give her another shot, just make sure you really think about it before you do. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.

That’s what I said when she moved out. "She needs to learn to live with herself" was my quote. She became very dependent on me after returning from rehab. To the point where I was being smothered. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed time with her but have to have guy time as well right….

Honestly in the end, it was me who would shut down. How can I defend myself when I don’t even know what I did wrong. She would attack me (with anger, not physically) and wouldn’t listen to anything I said so in the end I just wouldn’t try anymore. I felt I was wasting my breath

Ohhhh yes. I don’t know how many times we’d be sitting on the deck having a smoke after making up and would say, this is the last time, this is retarded, we’re idiots.

I understand what your saying and for the most part what you say is true. But I’ve been through breakups before, 2 3 year ones and honestly, it wasn’t that hard to get over. After 2 weeks the bad depression was gone and it was just the occasional ups and downs. In previous breakups I’ve always been able to say, "Man, I’m better off without her. Things suck right now but it’ll get better." With this one I haven’t been able to say that which makes me think that maybe there was more to it than I had thought

So…skimmed the thread. You’re at that point where you remember all the good things she did, but are starting to gloss over all the drama and craziness and bad feelings that were there.

Do you have a journal? emails? other threads about the relationship? go back and reread those. It’s so tempting to think that things would be great if you got back together…but you ended it for a reason. Try to remember that reason.

I don’t have anything written down. The only journal I kept was when she was in rehab. She kept one too while she was there and when we got together we’d read them to each other. More insight to how we were feeling at that time vs. the phone calls.

I’ll ask this: What has changed in a month that would make it work if you got back together?

What has changed……

Well one, she is out on her own and learning to live with herself. She had her stuff moved into my place when she was in rehab because I was worried about her when she got out. I now realize that I shouldn’t have done that. She needed to be out on her own and learn to live with herself before she learned to live with someone else. And she is more independent now as opposed to latching onto me as she did when she was out of rehab.

Another positive is that she is now working. When she was out of rehab she was on disability and didn’t really have anything to occupy her time and with my house being in the country, it’s a lot of time alone which probably wasn’t good. A lot of time to think and stew.

The third positive is that we can sit and talk without instantly fighting. We’ve both had some time to destress and she does make me happy

Remember, it’s only been one month. Which isn’t a very long amount of time. It’s good she’s showing signs of improvement though. And the job aspect is huge.. But just because you can sit and talk without fighting, doesn’t necessarily mean things will be different. You’re able to do this outside of an exclusive relationship, where you aren’t constantly exposed to eachother. You miss eachother, and without realizing it you’re putting on your best personality for this person… and she probably is for you. It could easily fall back into the same olds shit if you decide to give it another shot… and then you’d freak out, and have to repeat this whole process. Well, to a degree anyway. I don’t know man, it’s tough. But I know I’m done with my ex girlfriend, I never intended for it to end how it did, or go the way it did.. but that’s the way it went, I put a ton of energy and effort into it. I gave it my all, we just didn’t work. And sometimes that’s something you have to accept

Not being able to get over her has nothing to do with you guys being "meant to be" or anything like that. You aren’t going to be able to move on if you keep hanging out with her and talking to her a lot.

The best thing for both of you would be to tell her that you guys need to take some time apart. Maybe you could be friends later after you both move on but right now it isn’t good for either of you. If she just became sober, the last thing she needs is to have a boyfriend right now. Give her plenty of time to get her life in order and get used to living sober before you think about trying to get back together with her. Otherwise she will just become dependent on you again.

For that month we were apart we didn’t talk. It was only the last couple days that we’ve started talking again. If I dropped off stuff of hers that I found at the house, I would just set it on the doorstep, ring the doorbell and drive away before she even opened the door.

But the general consensus of this thread seems to be that it’s a bad idea. So I guess now there’s a decision to make.

Related posts:

1. Relationship advice. Moving in and fights Ok, so me and my girlfriend have been together a...
2. Long Distance Relationship Advice Hi, So my girlfriend of 2 years is in Japan....
3. Need some advice Well, Im 20 Years old, right now, when i was...

Has she always been insecure? Is it "oh you’ll find someone else" or is it also "who are you with?"

To be totally honest…not that it can’t be done, but you guys WILL probably break up. you’re four hours apart. You’re both young, still figuring out what you want in life. And I hate to break it to you, but if you’re out doing stuff with other women your age at college….you probably WILL find someone like her. The tough part is when you start realize there are attractive/cool chicks nearby…and she realizes the same thing about other dudes.

Good luck man.

And forget about getting engaged. Wait to do that until you have lasted the 4 years long distance.

She is say that I’ll find someone else not who are you with. I highly doubt we will break up, but if we do then I’ll be the first to admit that I was wrong. I know a lot of people don’t make it and its really hard to do a long distance relationship, but I don’t see how anyone can be like her. I have met plenty of people up here and I don’t hang out with girls anyway. I do stuff with my guy friends and homework. I didn’t think there was anything I could do but I thought I would ask. She has been insecure sometimes, but other times she has a lot of confidence. It’s much worse that we see each other 2 weeks at a time usually, but I understand that.

ugh-long distance-ugh.. been there.

Good luck bro.

well sure, I suppose it might work if you just swear to never interact with any women in 4 years.

What about her? Is she going to cloister herself in her room and never talk/hang with other guys for 4 years?

I’ve been there as well and it also started when I was a freshman in college. We were six hours apart and, surprisingly, it lasted for 2.5 years. However, if I knew then what I know now, I never would have let it last that long. I also thought I would never ever find anyone else like him. It was the first time I was in love, or what my freshman self thought was love. Unfortunately, my relationship kept me from being as social as I could have been and when I did finally start going out and whatnot, I realized that there are plenty of other people out there for me. Some guys I met were actually *gasp* a better fit for me than he was.

Personally, I wouldn’t automatically scoff at a LDR or anyone’s desire to be in one. The sadness and the missing and the worrying are pretty normal and just part of the deal though. However, since you’re still young and still likely figuring out who you are, I would probably try to keep an open mind about her being the only one for you.

Go through college with a long distance gf

So basically I should break up with here now…

Doesnt even necessarily have to be a break up. More of a realization that it’s rather pointless to try to stay exclusive/together for 4 years when you are both going to be in probably the best social times of your lives.

You don’t want to end up stuck in your room waiting for her to get online while all your friends are out having fun (not even a party, just going bowling, whatever).

Stay friends, stay in contact, and if you’re both still single when you’re done with school, go for it.

But for now? Don’t worry about staying together. The negative stuff (loneliness, boredom) will outweigh the few positives when/if you see each other.

How often would you be getting together? Driving to meet each other would get old fast.

Yea it does get old fast… already, but I don’t drink, smoke, or party. So as far as me enjoying the best social time of my life. I get what you mean but it’s not like me at all to do that. I don’t find enjoyment in doing that stuff or even going there. I wouldn’t call myself a nerd, I love watching and playing sports. I do do those things like just hanging out. I’m not isolating myself from people, I just feel like I am different than people. I know what I want in life and know how I am going to get there. I am more mature than most people than people around me. It sucks but it’s the way I am. I know most people say these are your best days and you are figuring out who you are and exploring new things and all that stuff. I just don’t feel like that. I don’t want that stuff. I am having fun doing stuff and I am learning a lot, but I am know what I want for me and my future. Sorry about the little rant but I’m trying to get you to understand where I am coming from and how I feel.

Eh, ended up moving in together. Then it didn’t work out, we were long distance for 8 months? and lived together for 9 months? Something like that. Learned a lot.

Honestly, lots of people going into college think they’re finally adults and are done growing. I thought so too, and when I got to college I proceeded to grow and change so fast it made my head spin. I remember talking to some freshmen when I was in my last semester of college, and they thought the same as I did; I probably shouldn’t have laughed, but I did, and then I explained to them that maturity isn’t a plateau you climb up to and then you’re done. Maturity is just the process of keeping up with the personal growth generally expected of people at any given stage of life.

It’s very unlikely, though not impossible, that you two will stay "the same people" you were originally attracted to. Furthermore, it’s pretty likely your expectations of each other will change a lot as well. That’s part of growing up, as it were. I have no idea how to "tell her gently", but it’s probably best to let go of each other for now with the promise to get back together after college and see if you still want each other. That way you don’t end up alienating each other by being needy/unavailable and ruining future possibilities in the process.

Similar situation here. Dated in high school, LDR through the Air Force (3 hours away), saw each other just about twice a month give or take, thought we were ready for the next step. After a year living together, we went our seperate ways.

You’re about to introduce a whole lot of added stress in your life trying this out. Not saying it can’t be done, but hope you’re ready for it.

My advice to you….have a heart to heart with her, open the relationship up to dating other people, and if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be.

College is all about getting a solid education, having fun, and dating. Can’t do any of that worrying about LD gf, driving back and forth to see LD gf, or HAVING LD gf. I predict one of you will eventually get hurt and regret not breaking things off sooner.

I hear these things a lot. I don’t know. I want to stay with her. I am having fun here and it sucks being apart. I don’t know… It’s a mess in my mind

so…in your mind, if you want her, she wants you…why does it have to be all or nothing? why not consider the possibility of reconnecting after college?

Is it one-itis? The thinking "oh, she’s the best for me, I’d never meet another girl like her, so if I end it now and she ends up with someone else I’ll be alone forever"?

I would be willing to bet that everyone who has posted in this thread has been through this…and that everyone was wrong about those feelings.

Also, if your mind’s a mess now, how the hell do you expect to stay sane for at least 3 more years?

I don’t think we would get back together after college. I just don’t think it would work. I don’t think I will be alone either. I’m not scared that I won’t find someone else. I just know I am much different than most everyone here and where I was from I know I was different. Just have a different outlook on life and my values and stuff. I have talked to people that are older than me and they have told me some things about doing it or not. They are similar to me and haven’t really found anyone either. I guess the main thing is that I don’t think there is anyone like her. Like I said before I don’t think I would be "alone forever" just no one like her. I just know how special she is and don’t want to lose her.

more details would be helpful. How are you "different"?

I was saying some stuff earlier in the thread. I guess one way I feel is that I am too nerdy for the normal people and to normal for the nerds. Idk. I love watching and playing sports, but don’t drink, smoke, party, or anything like that. I hate how fake everyone is and can’t stand when people act bro and stuff. Lost a few friends this year already because of this reason. Yet I feel like the people that feel the same about that stuff either don’t like sports or don’t like games like I do or something. People don’t get me I feel like. I workout and I am in pretty good shape, but I love to act goofy and it could very easily be said that I am weird sometimes.

The thing I get with the girl I am with is that I can be myself. I have never felt like I could truly be myself with anyone else. I could kinda be some here and there. I could talk video games and nerdy stuff with some people and then go play sports and talk sports with other people. I got along with everyone in my school because of this, but never had someone that I felt like was similar to me at all, or even close. I haven’t found anyone here yet either and I don’t really know if there is one. I don’t know if this will make sense to you at all.

it does. it’s very normal to feel this way fresh out of high school….but there are TONS of people out there like you.

I know we all grow up with the "we’re all unique" mantra…but we’re not all that unique.

I guess I haven’t found those people yet… It would be nice

If she’s THAT important to you, then why did you move 4 hours away from her? If you really wanted to be with her forever then I think you guys would have found some way to go to school in the same city.

Honestly, the relationship is pretty much doomed already because of your ages and it’s probably your first serious relationship. By forcing it into a long distance thing you pretty much killed any slight chance this might have had at working out.

What?

Yea I wanted to go to school where I was from, but it didn’t have what I wanted to do and the school I am at will give me a much better chance at getting a job than where I was from. I picked my job over a young relationship. I am just going to keep trying to make both work.

I commend you for that responsible decision and hope you stick with it.

The flipside of what I said earlier….I gave that LDR a solid shot and learned from it. I took that knowledge onto the next relationship. Sometimes you have to stumble a bit to find out what really counts. Another good point….if I would have walked away from that girl early on, I’d always have that "what if" lingering in my head.

you sound like someone with asperger’s syndrome

I read some stuff about it and I would not say I am socially awkward, more like I don’t fit into a part of society. I have multiple interests that connect with all kinds of people, but not a group that shares most of the same views, values, and interests. I can talk to people just fine, but people do annoy me. It’s weird because I hate big cities and stuff but I go to a huge school. The reason is though, I value a great education over a small more comforting college.

Yeah "what if"

Reason I did what I did, and gave it a REAL shot. It can really bite you in the ass though… but it’s a good learning experience. You can turn the negative energy into positive, and grow from it.

Thanks. That’s what also gets me is if I do break it off and it doesn’t work out later then I am always going to think what if. So I am going to do my best and see what will happen. That’s all I can do.

You are a freshman in college, so I guess you are 18 or 19 years old?

I know you will think you are the rare excpetion and that I’m being a total buzzkill, but there’s a very close to zero chance that the girl you date at age 18-21 be your wife at 30. With the LDR factored in, you probably have greater odds of winning the lottery.

Since at least for now you each want to stay together, I don’t suggest breaking up just to break up, or solely because you’re several hours apart. Her anxiety is hers alone to deal with. Relationships require effort and trust…often a lot of effort and trust. Yes, if she truly loves you and wants to make it work, she’ll have to get over herself and find a way to endure the next four years. There is no magic answer nor is it your job to make her feel good 24×7.

You should be having fun and getting the most out of your college experience without her dragging you down with drama. That she obsesses over losing you suggests that she’s immature and not capable of facing adversity. She will probably grow out of it. In the short term you have to decide how much of this you want to put up with.

Yea, I know. Also thing is that I know several people that dated through college and are still married and they are well into their 40s. My grandparents dated through college and my grandpa was over 5 hours away from my grandma and they have been married their whole life. That worked when there were no cell phones or internet or anything like we have today to keep us connected.

if anything it was easier, they weren’t expected to stay connected through phone, IM, etc. Want to go to a party ? Can’t, have to skype.

You probably have, but you’re still focusing on the tiny details about yourself that make you different from other people instead of the overwhelming broad strokes that make you similar to other people. It’s part of establishing that you are an independent unique life-form that can take care of itself. It’ll wear off once you’re feeding yourself with food your cooked yourself from groceries you bought yourself using money you earned yourself for work you did yourself. Past that point, you pretty much stop caring about showing off how unique you are and you start being happy when anyone appears to give a shit you exist at all.

I see what your saying, but wouldn’t it be a lot harder to stay connected? You don’t talk nearly as much and I feel like it would be easy to drift apart.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Everyone has a grandpartent, or uncle, or someone who married their high school sweetheart and lived happily ever after. But for every couple like that, there are a hundred or more who broke up the moment the relationship started requiring effort.

The common denominator is that both sides were dedicated to making it work, even when it was painful, difficult, or unpleasant. I don’t know you or your girl, but if being a few hours apart rocks her world that badly, then my guess is that strong foundation that your grandpartents had is not there.

As I already mentioned, go ahead and keep her around if that’s what works for you, but don’t let this realtionship limit your college experience.

True, I have some super close friends. We have a lot in common. But in the end we’re all completely different, if you look to close everyones gonna be different. No need to over analyze though. If you have a good time together, and connect in the big picture. That’s what matters.

Yea, thats what I am planning on doing. It’s working for now so I’ll just go with it.

I’m not saying I don’t have friends, just not nearly as many people up here as back home I guess and I know thats going to happen because I didn’t grow up with these people. It’s not a big deal and wasn’t part of my original question. Thanks though

Related posts:

1. distance relationships I’ve been dating this girl, Katie, for just about 9...
2. Making Long Distance Relationships Work & Be Less Painful All capital letters in my thread title, I dunno. Anyway....
3. Relationship woes v. Long Distance As many already know, I have a pretty rocky relationship....

You won’t always get closure in life. What would you do? Apologize for your behavior?

Let’s run through this. Say you give her a call/email and apologize. Best case scenario, she says thanks, offers to be friends, whatever. Then what?

There are other women out there. Have you taken steps to improve yourself so that you will not repeat your actions in another relationship?

From what you have said so far, it sounds like she didn’t truly feel the same way about you. You need to move on, which can be difficult, but that is the best thing you can do.

Let go, move forward. You both should be on completely different chapters of your lives. There are other girls out there, you have to put yourself out there, open up. I know it can be one of the most difficult things to do, but sitting there and harping on a relationship that hasn’t existed for 2yrs is ridiculous.

To a certain extent it just wasn’t meant to be, or you would of realized the importance of it and gotten your shit together in the moment. Unless it was a situation where she simply didn’t feel the same way about you, then that’s even worse. Forget about her bro. There’s a whole world out there to be explored.

My sister is going through the same feelings with here ex boyfriend who was a complete asshole and is also my manager. Its been 8 months and my sister just turned 25 and it makes her so upset if I say the word "Doug". I never really understood why people become so attached when its obvious that it will never work out and it is affecting my sisters mood daily and I can’t imagine how much she has cried over this jerk. Theres not much you can do then for us and everyone around you to make sure you know it takes time which is understandable and the people around you are there for you. You and me both know your life will be better when you can let her go and see your options more clear.

Please realize that this is a process in regards to a loss, and your unhealthy obession about her is prolonging the movement of the process of loss.
You need to let go, and move on.
Sometimes there is no closure in life.

Experience the feelings, forget the thoughts. The feelings of pain will die when the thoughts are gone.

I’m in the same boat…we were together for 8+ years. I lose my shit on a daily basis. Not doing well.

Somewhat similar situation. I had a really difficult time trying to get over my ex of about 1.5 years at the time. Then I found an amazing girl and dated her for about 2 months. Unfortunately, dating my ex really fucked with my head in ways that would take a much longer post to explain, and I feel weak for saying this, but I have no idea what the extent of it is, or even how to move forward from my baggage.

Anyways, after my recent relationship ended, I am now stuck in an extremely fucked up place where I’ll be stuck on one ex for a few days, then I’ll hate her/get stuck on the other ex. This process has been repeating for the past 2 months or so.

Goodluck moving forward man, this goes for you too CyberEye

Two thoughts:

1. You don’t always get closure. Someday you might call someone an asshole and then see them get hit by a bus. Life’s is full of loose threads. You have to tell yourself that it’s over and let go of the loose threads you were hoping to have a chance to tie up. She’s with someone else now, it doesn’t matter what she thinks of you anymore — if she thinks of you anymore.

2. Maybe what you need to do is stop fixating on the relationship you had with her and how it unraveled, and start spending some time improving yourself so whatever mistakes you made you don’t make again — even if it was just the mistake of thinking you could trust someone like her.

3. (I lied — three thoughts.) Just because it ended badly, that doesn’t invalidate your good memories. You still get to keep those. Moving on with your life doesn’t require you to throw away your personal history.

Great advice.

The more you try to remember someone from the past- the more you keep pushing that person into the foreground- the more you keep cutting open the wound trying to heal.

If you have any images (movies, pics, etc.) of this person, get rid of them, permenantly. Your mind will remember the feelings, and your experiences with that person will always be a part of who you are, but specifics will fade over time, allowing your spirit to heal, and you to move on.

The egos that lived and thrived in the relationship with that person will always fight to live on after the relationship.

Therefore they will form false specters within your mental world in order to continue to try to feed on that energy and stay alive.

When I was trying to get over my ex, I was working very hard to forget about her. I went through great pains in order to force myself to stop checking her facebook, to stop thinking about her.

Later that night I had a dream in which I seen my ex. She was starving, she looked very thin and she had a pleading look in my eyes. "Please don’t leave me" she said. Could anything be more painful? The one you desire most pleading you, beseeching you not to leave her?

That is the pain you must endure to be able to get over it. You must be able to refuse the one you desire so much, because it is that great desire which causes you such grand pain.

And yes, phantoms are created in your mind and if we are consciously aware enough we can actually see them. They will come and try to hold your hand, kiss you and they will use that dream world to sustain themselves. As a result of all the energy they take, you will wake up depleted… tired. Depressed.

This is how it really is! I’m not kidding, I’ve actually had them come to me in my dreams and they actually started to appear starving when I denied them. They are called succubi or incubus depending on your gender, they work to fill the void except you still wind up feeling depressed because they are illusory figures, thus you waste enormous amounts of energy chasing desert phantoms… at a time when you need to conserve energy the most.

Forget the thoughts then you defeat them on the mental level, the world in which most battles are really fought. If you cannot mentally convince yourself to forget them, then you will always lose. I have a friend like this, he never is convinced on the intellectual level to forget various girls. Our discussions always end up like a record player, they do not not want to be convinced. They are total breeding grounds for wastes of energy… they end up stuck in the mud, unable to move forward.

I have pictures of all my exes. I put them away for a while, but occasionally I take them out and look at them. Visual aids help with remembering old memories.

Again, just because it ended badly doesn’t invalidate the good experiences. Learn to appreciate the good experiences without getting upset that they didn’t last forever, and you’ll be a couple steps ahead of most people on the maturity learning curve.

</comicrelief>

Related posts:

1. stressed out crew: who here has seen a therapist for stress? im kinda nervous, i dont wanna take meds anymore. since...
2. My mom is making me see a therapist, tomorrow is my first appointment. Do they help? Anyone have any experience with them? I...
3. how to pick out a therapist? a good friend of mine has just about completely lost...

Since then she has not been doing very well from what I hear. Odd jobs here and there, losing them faster than she can find them. No car, living with random friends to get by, etc. There was a period of about 2-3 years we simply did not talk because she had no phone and I just kind of gave up on her. I didn’t really try to contact her either though, to be honest. My mother gave me random updates on her when they did talk. She has racked up a ton of debt and given everyone my parents information so they CONSTANTLY get debt collection calls at their house. This has been going on for years, and I really resent my sister for stuff like this.

So fast forward to a few weeks ago, my parents tell me they are thinking about letting her move back in with them here in town. She got kicked out of where she was staying, broke up with her boyfriend or something, yadda yadda yadda. I know my dad made very strict rules for her as far as applying for jobs and not getting in trouble if she were to move back in. Last week she got a bus ticket and came home and has been at my parents. She’s hit me up on Facebook and called a few times, but I have yet to go over there and see her.

My crisis; I kind of don’t want to see her. Am I a terrible person/brother? I don’t really know what to think or feel when it comes to her. I REALLY like going to my parents house and spending time with them. We are pretty close and we will cookout and talk and watch movies once a month or so. Now, with my sister there…I almost feel like that is in jeopardy. She might as well be a stranger to me now. She looks different, I don’t know anything about her. What she is into, what she has been doing the last few years, etc.

Also, I just moved to a new apartment myself and asked my parents to come by. I know my sister will want to come to, which is fine I guess. But, I’m scared this will turn into a more regular thing than I want it to be with my sister. I enjoy seeing my parents, but it’s not every weekend. I already feel terrible for not knowing how I feel about my own sister, I’d hate to have to turn her down if she asks to come over and spend time with me every weekend. I like my privacy, and I have my own life that is pretty crazy right now. Making a ton of time to "catch up" with someone who pretty much left the family years ago seems like a lot of work.

What do you think? Am I just an emotionless selfish brother, or are my concerns even a little bit justifiable?

BOLD stuff is the cliffs. Hopefully it makes sense. My English is broken today.

Yep, you sound like a pretty bad person. You pretty much sound like a total ass for sitting back and judging her when you could at least offered advice, a helping hand here or there and general support. Instead you feel "dishonored" by your own blood just because they are facing personal troubles and instead of trying to better your own blood, you shun her.

Maybe I have this crazy idea where one should sacrifice themselves personally in order to better their own family.

The new train of thought in North America seems to be: "Screw everyone else, I’m out for my own happiness. Your problem isn’t my problem".

Can’t say I approve.

so you are throwing away the 20 or so years you lived together because of the last few ?

Give her a chance. If she’s back into the same shit, then you can drop her. But she’s obviously trying to get her life back on track.

im pretty much in your sisters shoes and my sister is in your shoes… it kills me that she wont talk to me and ive been clean for almost a year now… not worth throwing away

The way i see it is like this, if she really is trying to make a new start, then give it time. Spend a little time with her but set boundaries.
If it seems she isn’t trying, that she is still set in the bad ways, well dude, she’s an adult and is responsible for her own actions.

When my younger brother went to jail the first time I tried to stand by him. When he got out I talked to him, gave him cash to help out, even paid him to do odd jobs for me. But in the end he went back to the same ways. Later I hear from his wife that he is back in jail and needs money for a lawyer. I just told her what I told you, he’s an adult and needs to take responsibility. Then i hung up. I guess he’s still in jail, haven’t heard from them in years.

No, you aren’t a bad person, family is important but you have to look out for yourself first.

Thanks for all the replies. I’ll try not to be too defensive in my responses since I do want opinions/advice from outside parties.

One thing possibly worth mentioning is the relationship of my entire family. Other than immediate family no one really keeps in touch. It’s always been this way for me growing up. No Christmas get together, no family Thanksgivings, no vacations where family comes into town. It’s probably been over a decade since I’ve even spoken to anyone in my family other than my parents or my sister. We all live on opposite sides of the country. That’s just how our family is I guess, it’s never bothered me and it doesn’t seem to bother anyone else.

With that in mind; when my sister decided several years ago to move out against my parents wishes and stop talking to everyone; it didn’t really phase me. I woke up the next day and moved on with my life.

It just seems all very sudden that she is back in my life and wanting to get involved. I guess I have an irrational fear of letting her back in, because I know she’s left me high and dry before. I don’t want to emotionally invest in someone that turned their back on me. Granted, I guess I turned my back on her after she left but I really didn’t think about it at all until now.

Talk to your parents and tell them you’re concerned you won’t be able to spend quality time with them because of your sister’s presence.

Also, keep in mind that your sister may have changed in ways you’re not expecting, and she may not be the problem child she used to be.

Also also, if she seems like she’s being reasonable, go ahead and call her out for her previous bad behavior. If you don’t want to be around her anyway, it’s not like that will get any worse. She deserves to have to account for her misbehavior in the past, especially if it was a big enough problem that you don’t want to spend time around her anymore.

Were you jealous when she got to move out and do what she wanted and you had to stay at home and listen to your parents?

How did she ‘leave you high and dry?’ You say your self that ‘it really didn’t phase me. I woke up the next day and moved on with my life.’ You say that you have an ‘irrational fear of letting her back in’ which is truly irrational because you didn’t even care last time. When your sister left, you were by no means ‘high’ or ‘dry.’ You were being taken care of in your parents home. She didn’t ‘leave you;’ She simply left and you stayed.

You sound as if you believe that she had a responsibility to keep in contact with you. I will agree that it would have been nice if she had been able to do so, it would also be nice if things had turned out better for her. Was she supposed to call up your mothers house, ask to speak with you (If you are not there, she has to call again) and tell you all about how nothing is going as she had planed?

Had this ever occurred, what would you have said to her? Is there a chance that she thought she could have been laughed at? She may have been embarrassed that her parents were right and because you still lived with them it automatically puts you on their side. She prob. didn’t want to lie to you about her situation and did not expect sympathy if she told the truth.

Schemes to me that your sister has failed to live up to your expectations.

She left home to go try something else and didn’t want to be tied down, you are either taking this action very personally or you have a lot of resentment. It would have been nice if she had the decency to call you as her brother but why is this mandatory? She left for a few years and neglected to call, people do this sometimes and you want her to be dead and gone forever for it.

You don’t need to give her money or let her stay at your place for extended periods of time, in fact she has not asked you to do this. You are trying to avoid an issue when no issue exists yet. It was not easy for her to call you in the past, it would be easy for you to talk to her now and would be the least that you could do.

**
You say that you just moved out of your parents house recently and that you do not want to talk to your sister. When you sister had just moved out of your parents house, she didn’t want to talk to her brother. It is possible that you are doing the same thing that she did to you, for the same reasons.

Your sister may have been afraid that if she had called, you would want to hang out every weekend and tie her down. You admit that one of the reasons you do not want to talk to your sister is that you fear she is going to want to spend every weekend at your place and tie you down.

Can you sort of maybe see where she was coming from.

PS: If you do not want ‘opinions/advice from outside parties’ do not create threads in the Asylum that end with you asking ‘What do you think?’

I was living with my parents for all of a year or so after she moved out. I moved out fairly young, was working full time and got married. Bit different, as I had my parent’s consent and they supported me. I was not involved with drugs or drinking or anything. Jealousy doesn’t really have anything to do with it. I simply had/have my own life I was/am investing in.

You may have misread my post; or I typed it incorrectly. I am 23 now and have not lived at home since I was 18. I did recently move into a new apartment, but was not living with my parents previous to that. I had a house with roommates before this one, and two apartments before that. I move quite frequently due to my previous marriage, my job, etc.

It’s understandable she might have been embarrassed about her situation when it got bad. I’ve had to borrow money from people before and stuff like that, it’s not something I wanted all my friends to know about at the time. Given the fact I don’t know for sure how she was doing the whole time she was gone, I guess things could have been worse off than what my mother told me. Not really sure, I just know she is moving back home now because she is essentially homeless, unemployed, has no savings or financial assistance, and has told my dad she wants to "start over".
That’s all fine, but I’ve also heard it all before. She has tried moving back before but would not agree to the terms my parents set and it ended up not happening. It almost seems (to me) that she has no other alternative at this point and is saying anything to get what she needs. I’d probably do the same thing in her situation; I guess I can’t tell if she is genuinely changing for the better unless I go talk to her. I am just nervous about it to say the least.

I won’t deny I have some resentment towards my sister. Numerous times I’ve given my mother my cell phone number, facebook page, e-mail address so she could give it to my sister. This was more my mother’s idea than mine, and I did it without many expectations of it actually working. If you haven’t noticed my mother is the only one my sister would talk to. I know she had her own reasons for being mad at my dad, but I don’t know what I ever did to make her not want to talk to me? So when I never got calls or emails or anything, I let it go and didn’t think about it.

I’m not really sure how to respond to this. I’ve responded to everyone so far, and I’m interested in what other people think. I prefaced my reply with the "defensive" comment because someone called me "pretty bad person" and a "total ass". It’s hard not to be defensive when hearing stuff like that lol. But I’m trying to take it in stride as the comments following it really made sense and have widened my viewpoint on the matter.

I wasn’t sure if I should bring this up at all with my parents; but I’m thinking it’s not a bad idea now. I know my dad has the same reservations I do as far as trusting that she is really trying to change her ways. We have talked about her before, and it’s always narrowed down to, "Your mother and I love your sister we just don’t approve of what she is doing and we can’t be a part of it." My dad’s a very reasonable but strict kind of guy.

I think this is boiling down to; I should just get over my anticipation/nervousness of seeing her after this many years and go talk to her. Try and figure out where she’s at, what she really wants to accomplish by moving back home, etc.

I think I just needed to hear what other people thought of the situation. I’m kind of stubborn (Taurus ) and find it’s easier to walk away from situations I don’t like rather than work on fixing them.

Hey…I think I figured out why I got divorced!!!

Your family may be like that but it would be better to try to form some family bonds and to be supportive of each other. It’s just better like that. Who knows what could happen, you always want someone to rely on. Plus it’s just healthier this way.

So go out of your way to becoming very friendly, supportive and loving of your sister. A little effort now will probably pay off a lot more down the line.

I’ll be going over tomorrow to see everyone. My mother called me this morning and said she (my sister) got hired at a local pet grooming place. She’s always been an animal lover so it makes sense she would get hired there. I’m feeling a bit more optimistic about things today.

I’d say give her another shot, as long as she doesn’t take advantage of you, or do you wrong… then it’s worth catching up with her again. She is your SISTER. Family matters bro.

You’re not selfish. Your sister has put your family through some shit. I wouldn’t give up on her. Family is all we really have at the end of the day. you’re entitled to tell her how she made you feel, and it would be fair to warn her about your relationship boundaries with her.

Women do stupid things sometimes when they’re in love.

Almost forgot about this thread.

Spent some time with her last Friday. Actually probably 5-6 hours or so. She managed to get a job at a local pet store and is planning to save money and get a car, and eventually her own place in the future. We caught up a bit and she told me a lot of what she has been doing and what happened to her.

One disturbing thing she told me was about her current boyfriend. My parents feel he is part of the reason she was in such a bad place before she moved back home. She told my parents they had broken up and she was done with him. But, she told me they were still dating and talking on a regular basis. She asked me not to tell my parents, and was saying she was going to take some of her paycheck money and send it to him until he could move himself up here.

She’s not even had her first day of work yet and she was telling me she wanted to plan a vacation back "home" to see her old friends because she missed them. My dad actually over heard this and pulled me aside later to talk about it. He told me, "What have ANY of her "friends" ever done for her?" He was pretty mad.

The other things I noticed about her weren’t serious; but still troubled me. The entire time we were making dinner with my mother (I always help my mom cook when I come over) she was complaining. Throwing stuff around the kitchen, bickering with my mother, just a bad attitude in general. I never, ever, quarrel with either of my parents. It was really embarrassing to watch this and I ended up taking over everything she was doing just to ease the tension.

After dinner I pulled my mom aside and asked her what was wrong and she said my sister had been like this since she got home.
I then asked my sister what was wrong and she said she was having a hard time living with my parents because she wasn’t allowed to drink or smoke, no phone calls after 11PM, she was stuck at the house all day since she doesn’t own a car. I pretty much sympathized with her but didn’t say much.

Overall, it’s about what I expected. She is back home and working now, but still not being completely honest with my parents about every thing. She has the wrong attitude and already is regretting coming back home.

My mother told me they gave her money to buy clothes and asked her to pay them back out of her first few paychecks. They also settled a HUGE amount of her debt (student loans, credit cards, warrants, etc) so she could renew her driver’s license and hopefully end the collections calls to their house. My sister seems a little unappreciative of this fact, judging by her attitude.

I made the mistake when I was leaving for the night of saying I was going to a friend’s party later. I was talking to my mom but my sister overheard. My sister immediately asked to come, it was pretty awkward. I told her maybe next time, and that I’d be out really late and couldn’t take her back home.

I guess I’m still ranting. I feel like she is disrespecting my parents generosity by not being honest and being unwilling to help with even the simplest of things around the house. I’m disappointed, but not giving up.

Almost forgot about the thread?

It is very hard to get through to you. It does not seem like you are taking the issue very seriously.

It seems like when it comes to your sister you look at your watch, give an excuse and you’re on your way.

Your entire family seems to have a very "snooty patootie" demeanor in this fashion. Your sister is very much the black sheep and you expect her to change to be accepted.

You’re going to have to learn what love is, son. Love is not just an extension of "like". Like you really really "like" something, so you *LOVE* it. No, that’s not how it works at all. Sometimes in order to love something you have to endure pain from that person or thing. Sometimes you very much dislike it or even go through awkward situations or pain for love.

Would it have killed you to take her along to the party? I say this theoretically. It sounds like that’s where she flourishes, maybe you two would have become closer at the party. Maybe she would have really opened up to you.

It sounds like that’s the last thing that you want. You’re just cold and shut off. Yeah, I sound like a jerk for saying it but sometimes the truth is mean. Perhaps if you guys warmed up to her so that she could open up to you, like you open the hood of a car, then maybe you could get inside and fix what is causing her such major problems.

However you can barely remember this thread so obviously my words aren’t getting through to you. They are not penetrating. Your attitude is the problem here, not her behavior. Blood is thicker then oil, a real brother knows this and I say this from experience – I have three sisters.

It depends on the sibling really.

Your sister sounds like a pain in the ass and rather ignorant, so yes disliking her is pretty damn normal.

Can she turn it around? Is she willing to turn it around? Or will she live off your parents for a while till she gets the boot again? Those are the questions that to me seem as though they should decide if you reconcile with her or not.

Small tip. People say blood is thicker than water and it’s completely false, only if you had that bond to begin with does family mean anything at all. I’d sooner kill my father than talk with him, and both my brothers I could go the rest of my life without speaking to either of them if I could. But my friends? I chose them, and I would do far more for them than most of my family. If your sister is trash then just leave her in the gutter.

Bringing her to the party would have been detrimental. She has had a drinking problem in the past, and all of my friends drink at parties. I think my parents would have really been mad at me if I offered to take her to a party where she knew she didn’t have to drive home afterward.
Of course, there’s the social part of it too. I do not want her meeting all of my friends right now. I feel like that goes both ways, I have no interest in meeting any of her friends either. Given the situation she was in, drugs, etc I feel like the people she knew/knows aren’t necessarily going to benefit me in any way, shape, or form.

If that’s being "cold" or "shut off" then I guess that is just who I am. And I accept that. Actually, I embrace it. I refuse to put myself on the line or risk any part of my time for someone who won’t do anything but throw it away. That was the person my sister was, but now I’m attempting to give her another chance. I don’t feel like going in with a cautious attitude is the wrong approach.

And yes, I did almost forget about this thread. I work full time, just made a road trip out of state that took 14.5 hours, I’m selling a car, I just bought a car, I’m dating, my father’s birthday was last week, and I try to see my friends on the weekend. I have a life offline just like everyone else. lol

Good news though; my sister is happy and doing well at her new job! She is on Facebook regularly and both of my parents seem to be more at ease with her now. I think the initial week or two of her moving back in was rough but things are settling down.

It looks to me as your fears are true. Some are saying to you that she is trying to make a fresh start but it appears she is not only back to her old ways but never ended her old ways. Telling your parents that she is done with the boyfriend but sneaking around behind there back and dating him, and wanting to move him there with her? Sounds to me like the only reason she moved back was that was her only option, she had no one else to turn to. Even after your parents paid of a large portion of her debt she still can’t make a attempt not to argue with your mom, sounds like she needs to grow the fuck up and you being concerned for your parents well being with all of this shit going on is just in my books. Won’t be long before she moves out again and burns that bridge for good

You do it when you’re ready to forgive. Besides its only been a couple of weeks. There is still plenty of time for her to relapse into her old ways and dissappear for a while longer.

she sounds like a piece of shit. you’re only related by coincidence, don’t let her pull you down. stay away from her, she’s a parasite

Sometimes people come from family units where this sort of behaviour is unimaginable.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but because of my upbringing I can totally understand not wanting to have a family member in your life again

I would sit down with your parents and tell them your concerns and fears and go from there. No one can force you to see her. No one can force you to act like a brother and sister again.

I would be inclined to give her a chance, but it will be hard after so much betrayal.

I don’t talk to my mother and every person who gives me shit for it has a wonderful mother son/daughter relationship and can’t understand how I can be so cruel. Sometimes people just can’t imagine what it’s like because they haven’t been there

Related posts:

1. moving out of home for the first time ok, so maybe i am a little old, i’m 23...
2. Unhappy with life, thinking of moving in with parents to be at home. Sup guys. Currently Im in the Air Force living in...
3. I miss my little sister… So over the last month I’ve been missing my little...

Uh, I don’t see why that dreams a big deal? Can we get more details. Why are you this emotional, because of that dream?

Emotional instability, "feeling like there are ghosts around", "part of me walks to be taken to the afterlife". Questionable sentence structuring.

Do you think that you could be in the developing stages of schizophrenia? When it occurs in young men like yourself it usually begins to come on fairly strongly, rapidly and rapidly deteriorates if left untreated. In women it usually comes on mildly and is more manageable.

It would be highly advisable to stop using marijuana if you’ve taken it back up again.

My guess? You’re feeling fragile and vulnerable because of the car accident, and you’re interpreting the world differently because of the experience.

If you were somehow "less existent" because the accident, somehow "half here and half in the afterlife", you would have LESS of an effect on the world than you did before — including the alarm on that BMW you dreamed about. Dreams are pretty tricky to interpret, but I’d choose to look at you setting off the alarm on the car as proof that you’re still here and you still matter; if you didn’t matter, you could’ve just busted the window on the car and driven away with it and nobody would’ve cared.

The "ghost" you think is following you is just your own heightened alertness for danger. It’ll fade eventually.

You’re scared because you have firsthand proof that you really can die at any moment even if you don’t do anything stupid to deserve it, and that’s got you on edge. Talk to people you trust about it, get their input; don’t waste energy trying to deal with it in secret. You need people to remind you what "sane" and "normal" look like when you’re struggling with strong emotions.

Related posts:

1. My Own Personal Hell I can’t believe it’s come to this. I cheated on...